Tim Patrick's Blog, page 38

House Passes Comprehensive Salvation Reform

By a margin of 216 to 215, the House of Representatives voted today to pass a comprehensive salvation reform package know as the "God's Not So Tough Act of 2010." Final details of the bill were hammered out in a closed-door session that leaders hoped would be hidden from the King of King's prying eyes. House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi called the close Republican-free vote "a landslide victory for lesser humans."

The vote came amid ongoing controversy over whether the United States...

Jobless Rate Rises Unexpectedly to 527 Percent

Numbers issued this morning by the US Labor Department showed a sudden increase in the total count of unemployed Americans, rising sharply from 10.1 percent to 526.8 percent. Experts in both the Obama administration and at several private think tanks in some of the more upscale parts of Washington, DC, called the new numbers "unexpected."

"It's unexpected, I tell you; simply unexpected," said Herb Statisting, a number cruncher with the US Bureau of Labor Statistics, which as expected is as...

DMV to Offer Reduced-Cost Lunches to Poor Drivers

The California Department of Motor Vehicles will soon offer lunches to poor drivers at a reduced cost, or in some cases no cost. According to the department's web site, the new program, part of the DMV's "Two Full Tanks" initiative, seeks to increase both driving test scores and its share of California's limited tax revenues.

"Studies show that drivers who don't have a healthy and satisfying meal are twenty percent more likely to change lanes without signaling," said Gloria Studebaker, the...

Crashed Spam Server Reveals Sexy Nigerian Dentist Viagra Accounts

A computer failure at one of the largest unsolicited bulk email agencies has exposed confidential information that may seriously damage the reputation of the email spam industry. The breach occurred last Thursday at the computer center for It's Just Email, Inc., when an employee double-clicked on an attachment that contained a malicious virus. Within minutes, the virus had infected all of the company's computers, and started sending random pieces of company documents out to most of the email ...

Taliban Announces Runoff Election to Replace Captured Leaders

Leaders of the Taliban political movement in Afghanistan are currently accepting applications from people looking to participate in key Jihadist leadership positions. Applicants must be males between the ages of twelve and eighty-five, have five years experience in playing Hide and Seek, and possess a valid Infidel Hunting License with at least five recorded kills, either directly or as a manager directly responsible for suicide bomber staff members.

Mullah Mohammed Omar, the secretive head...

All Life on Earth Perished Months Ago Say Climate Change Experts

A new report issued by the Lukewarm Futures Institute, a climate research organization based in nice-and-hot Phoenix, Arizona, says that all life on Earth, including the entire human population of over six billion, perished in an unprecedented climate change disaster approximately fourteen weeks ago. The 483-page report urged immediate governmental action worldwide to ensure that "this type of tragedy will never again put the taxpayer funding of our research at risk."

"It seems like just...

Winter Storm Blankets Washington in Three Feet of Pork

In what experts are calling the biggest blast in nearly twenty-five years, an storm has dumped more than thirty-three inches of congressional pork on Washington, DC. Strong gusts of wind coming out of both the Senate and House chambers have pushed porkdrifts across all fifty states, including Texas.

"This system appeared on our radar during the last few months of the Bush administration, but we had no idea it would be this devastating," said Curt "Thunder" Hazenbrat, a meteorologist with the C...

Al Qaeda Recalls Thousands of Defective Bombs

In what consumer advocates are calling a victory for suicide bombers everywhere, Al Qaeda announced today the recall of more than 13,000 wearable explosive devices. Operatives in the field are asked to return any device that has a serial number starting with the digits 342 through 395, or that has a detonate-by date between August 2009 and June 2010.

The international terrorist organization began sending notifications to its deployed militants yesterday, and expects to have a fix available to ...

California Legalizes Day Marriage

In a move that is sure to ruffle the feathers of religious conservatives, the state of California has passed a measure legalizing the right of couples to marry for 24 hours or less, also known as "day marriage." Within hours of the marriage bill becoming law, supporters began crowding the steps of the courthouse in Beverly Hills, the city eponymous with a single day of wedded bliss, waving signs with the movement's "Go Ahead, Make My Day" motto.

The bill went to Governor Schwarzenegger's desk ...

Congress Passes Health Card Reform

Still smarting from the loss of Ted Kennedy's senate seat, congressional Democrats mobilized late Friday evening to pass a controversial Health Card Reform package. The legislation, which takes effect next month, makes sweeping changes in the greeting card industry, although many who oppose the reforms are calling the action "Playing the Death Card."

President Obama welcomed the changes, and thanked his counterparts in Congress for making it a top priority. "I was thrilled to see the...