Tim Patrick's Blog, page 39

I've Got a Phone to Pick with You

Cell phones are an amazing technology. One small handheld device has the ability, from nearly anywhere in the world and across unthinkable distances, to cut you off in mid-conversation. For reasons like this, plus issues of national security, I've avoided getting a cell phone. So I was more than a little apprehensive when my preteen son wanted his own phone. You yourself might be having this same anxiety, and he's not even your kid!

My son had been asking me for a cell phone for quite some...

Congress Raises Taxes on God

The coming of a new year brings with it the looming April 15th deadline for filing American tax returns. But this year, changes to the federal tax code will require that God submit a standard 1040 form and all accompanying schedules. In closed-door meetings on Christmas Day, when God was busy with holiday festivities, members of Congress passed a sweeping overhaul of the tax system that included issuing a 342,957-digit Social Security Number to the King of Kings.

President Obama addressed the ...

All Blogging Is Local

Apart from being a severe fire hazard, your local bookstore is a great place to find information on things you would like to learn how to do. For example, let's say you wanted to understand the features of the digital SLR camera that you received for Christmas. Your local book shop has dozens of works on photography techniques for both beginning and intermediate shutterbugs. By picking up one or two books on the subject, you will discover—and if the author is really good, it might take just a...

Heaven Opens New Vacation Resort

In a sign that the world economy might be turning around, Heaven announced today the grand opening of its new vacation resort. The Heaven's Gate Spa and Resort, the first of three such projects, is located just outside of New Jerusalem, and some are already calling it the "New Mecca" of tourism.

"Having a complete eternal perspective on all humanity allows us to customize a package to fit anyone's budget and life experiences," said Michael, the archangel and manager of the site. "In fact...

Christmas Lights or Bust!

Christmas is a season of peace and joy, a chance to reflect back on the time long ago when Mary and Joseph made the difficult journey to Bethlehem, only to stay overnight in a stable because the innkeeper had burned down the hotel with too many holiday lights. Luckily, decorating your tree and home today involves much less bodily peril and only half the number of donkeys. To enjoy a safe and sane Christmas, use the following "Lighting Checklist" to help prepare your house for winter lighting ...

Pinocchio Found Guilty of Perjury

A New York state judge today sentenced famed defense lawyer Boy "Woody" Pinocchio to three nights in jail after the attorney perjured himself during a hearing. He was being held in a New York City jail pending a review by a panel of botanists.

Mr. Pinocchio was giving his opening arguments in the racketeering trail of reputed crime boss Mario Geppetto, head of the East Coast Toy Maker syndicate, when witnesses say that his "nose just started growing something awful." At that point, the judge o...

Jesus Opens New Restaurant Chain

With the unemployment rate hovering around ten percent, families are wondering where their next meal is going to come from, and how long it will last them. While many cafes offer satisfying meals, a new chain of restaurants opening in several states this month claims to provide meals that will "bring people together for all eternity."

The new shops are called "The Last Supper," and its angelic mix of food and intimacy is introducing people to a whole new type of health food. The president and ...