Tim Patrick's Blog, page 36
August 30, 2010
America Lists Louisiana on Ebay
With the economy struggling and federal spending at an all time high, the Obama Administration is taking a bold step to improve the long-term economic outlook. Yesterday, officials from the State Department posted an auction for the State of Louisiana on the popular web site Ebay. Bidding for the southern state started at $0.99, although by 10:00am this morning, 23 bids had already pushed the price up to $539.20.
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton approved of the sale, calling it "The right...
August 23, 2010
Obama to Invoke Emergency Superhero Powers
With the economy continuing its downward spiral, Iran counting the days until its nuclear dreams come true, and a general malaise within the Democratic Party, President Barack Obama announced today that he would invoke flight, invisibility, and other Executive Superhero Powers over the next three months. Although the president had yet to decide on a name for his heroic alter ego, he has already been fitted for a dapper dark-blue stretch suit with coordinated pale blue cape.
"Americans need...
August 16, 2010
Hell has Hottest Summer on Record
In an alarming trend that has deceased environmentalists shaking their heads in disbelief, a heatwave across Hell has pushed temperatures into record territory. The calefaction in some regions of the already arid Hades plain has been so severe that several weather stations have combusted spontaneously in flashes of white-hot brimstone. Exclamations of "cool" by incorrigible children at seeing the explosions only serve to mock the air-conditionless atmosphere.
"I can't recall it ever being...
July 26, 2010
Humorality Celebrates First Anniversary!
The end of July 2010 marks the first anniversary of Humorality.com. To celebrate the event, Tim Patrick will take a much-deserved break for a few weeks. He promises to be nothing but serious during that time, saving up all of his actual humor for this site. But that doesn't mean you need to be without a smile on your face. Click the Archive link to see articles you might have missed from the past year.
[Image Credits: Microsoft Office clipart.]
July 19, 2010
Doctors Perform First Successful Faith Transplant
In what is being called both a medical miracle and a miracle miracle, a team of doctors and chaplains has successfully completed the world's first full-faith transplant. The operation holds much promise for the millions of people worldwide who suffer from faith-related diseases, including atheism, a debilitating and often fatal disorder known in the medical literature as "Acquired Faith Deficiency Syndrome."
The transplant was performed at St. Joseph's Medical Center in Minneapolis, a town...
July 12, 2010
Federal Regulators Seize Seven Underperforming Senators
In a move meant to stabilize the current unease within the legislative industry, federal regulators seized the assets of seven underperforming senators at the US Capital. The names of the elected officials were not made available, but several senators were seen being forcefully carried out of their office by members of the ATF, the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, Congressmen, and Explosives.
"It was like a scene out of a movie," said Sarah Watson, the front office secretary for Senator A...
July 5, 2010
Red-Shirt Deaths on Starship Enterprise Reach 1,000
The USS Enterprise, the United Federation of Planet's flagship vessel, reached a grim milestone today as it announced the death of its 1,000th red-shirted security officer. The news came on what was an otherwise uneventful day in its ongoing mission, apart from simultaneous attacks by the Romulans, the Klingons, a cargo bay filled with Tribbles, and the cookie brigade from Girl Scout Troupe number 34923402.
"Our goal is to seek out new life, and regrettably that is going to involve new...
June 28, 2010
States May Limit Third Trimester Cell Phone Contract Terminations
The United States Supreme Court today issued a ruling in a contentious Kansas-state case that has pro-choice advocates up in arms against their pro-battery-life counterparts. In a 5-4 decision, the court affirmed that states may impose restrictions on cell phone users who wish to abort their two-year contracts during the final eight months. States could already impose such limitations during the first two trimesters, although only seven states had the backbone to do so.
Chief Justice John...
June 21, 2010
Obama Administration Adopts New "Opt Out" Immigration Policy
President Obama took some time out from his busy deficit-spending activities to sign an immigration-related order that some are calling "executive." The order enacts a new set of rules for the US Immigration and Customs Enforcement agency (ICE) that bring it in line with the same "opt out" policies currently applied to internet users, medical patients, and various endangered species.
Under the new guidelines, all those in the United States who were formerly classified as illegal aliens will...
June 14, 2010
Census Bureau Releases Corrected Numbers for All 52 States
The Census Bureau, the government agency empowered to ask personal, somewhat embarrassing questions in a graded essay format, released an updated set of population numbers from each of the 52 states, plus the Pretend State of Washington, DC. The current population of the United States stands at 309,495,619, or 309,495,620 if you are a really slow reader.
The revised numbers come amid a swirl of controversy over the bureau's omission of key geographic areas and people groups, "including Rhode I...
