Hell has Hottest Summer on Record

In an alarming trend that has deceased environmentalists shaking their heads in disbelief, a heatwave across Hell has pushed temperatures into record territory. The calefaction in some regions of the already arid Hades plain has been so severe that several weather stations have combusted spontaneously in flashes of white-hot brimstone. Exclamations of "cool" by incorrigible children at seeing the explosions only serve to mock the air-conditionless atmosphere.

"I can't recall it ever being...