Tim Patrick's Blog, page 35

Books I'm Rejecting – Poetry

When I hear the word "poetry," it conjures up certain verbal images, thoughts of content that includes rhymes and words like "love" and "heather." So I was surprised at what passed for poetry in the candidate list. Some things that struck me as ordinary fiction were marked as poetry by critics, while content with rhyme and meter would show up in the play and fiction groups. Not yet being very well-read, I found it all so confusing. But as I scanned portions of candidate poetry, I realized that the method of presentation might be the key.

If several people recite it for hours in public, it's a play.
If one person recites it for days, it's epic fiction.
If one person recites it to himself, or in a coffee shop, it's poetry.

Some poems are huge. On the Nature of Things, a philosophical ode by Lucretius, encompasses six books, while Firdausi's , a Persian poem written over a thousand years ago, lasts for 60,000 lines. These poets can talk.

A few poets couldn't seem to make up their minds about their genre. David Jones wrote In Parenthesis, a poem about World War I. Although it contains an abundance of lyric content, it's broken up with standard prose sections. Robert Browning was both a poet and a playwright, and his poetry shows evidence of his dual abilities.

Fortunately, a few of the 43 poetry candidates look like ordinary poems, with ragged right margins and angst. Narrowing the list down to just one selection probably won't be too difficult. I just hope I can find a good coffee shop to read it in.

Books I'm Rejecting – From Men

Lest anyone think I was picking on girls with my article on the books I rejected by female authors, rest assured that men are being kicked off the list in quantities five times that of women. The candidate list includes 1,443 works by male authors, and I must dump 1,399 of those to prepare for the reading project.

Many of the possibilities fell off the list as things I'd read before, or as an author's secondary works, or for other basic reasons. But I still needed to compare over 400 selections to each other. What surprised me is the number of books that, based on their descriptions, I might have attributed to female authors. No offence!

One such book is Justine, by Laurence Durrell, described as a "tragic Egyptian love triangle in four parts." Then there's Paul Gallico's Mrs. 'Arris Goes to Paris, a humorous tale of a cleaning lady and a dress. Isn't that the plot for the Jennifer Lopez chick flick Maid in Manhattan? Not to be outdone by any of these others is Bram Stoker, whose Dracula tome is a certain rip-off of the teen romantic classic Twilight.

Fortunately, there were enough war, thriller, and dystopian works to balance out the romance. One work that sounded interesting from hundreds of different angles was Cryptonomicon, a cyberpunk novel by Neal Stephenson that combines a dismal future world with code-breaking antics from World War II. Milan Kundera's The Unbearable Lightness of Being tells the dreary realities of life in Cold War-era Communist Czechoslovakia. Add to that Thucydides' History of the Peloponnesian War. War, war war.

In the end, it's not the gender of the author that drives the lightness or darkness of the content. There were several books by women that conveyed dark and depressing ideas. It seems that lists of great books are dominated by concepts that, for most people, are downers. The theme of overcoming life's difficulties and stresses runs deep in the candidate list. While the final list will likely include a few comedies, the bulk of the reading will be heavy. I just hope the zombie apocalypse comes while I'm reading a happy book.

Five Classic Authors Who Wore Women's Underwear

When I see a book in a bookstore, I take it for granted that that author name listed with the title is the same one that appeared on the first edition. But that's not always the case. Some writers withhold their names from a book's original release because they don't want the embarrassing content to be associated with the tamer works produced under their real names. Others are bound contractually to certain publication limits under specific names. But for a few women, especially in centuries past, it was all about being taken seriously.

Here are five such female authors who published their major works under assumed, and often male, names.

Mary Ann Evans – I had never heard this woman's name before, but her pen name, "George Eliot," is world famous as the nom de plume affixed to the Victorian-era novel Middlemarch . She used the male moniker primarily to prevent readers from assuming that she was producing romance novels. Calling the book "Death, War, and Pestilence" might have helped as well.
Charlotte Brontë – Today, readers easily associate the Brontë sisters (Charlotte, Emily, and Anne) with their Gothic prose and difficult lives. Clearly, the dots above the "e" in their last names were an attempt to put a happy face on their dark works. But originally, the names didn't appear on their writings at all. Charlotte published her masterpiece, Jane Eyre , using the pseudonym "Currer Bell." Emily and Anne followed suit, employing the names "Elias Bell" and "Acton Bell" respectively. Not to be outdone by her siblings, Charlotte also used the male manly masculine name "Lord Charles Albert Florian Wellesley" for another one of her books.
Karen Blixen – The author of Out Of Africa published the book under the pen name "Isak Dineson." Come to think of it, I can't tell if that's a man's name or not. That's all right, because she also wrote using the name "Pierre Andrézel" just to make it clear.
Mary Chavelita Dunne Bright – In one of the strangest uses of a male pen name, Ms. Bright produced her short stories and novels under the name "George Egerton." The use is strange because Bright was a notable "New Woman," a late-nineteenth-century term for a feminist. She was an active suffragette, and held other typically feminist ideals.
Louisa May Alcott – Known today for her friendship-themed chick-lit-esque Anne of Green Gables series Little Women, Alcott wrote some of her other works under the neuter name "A. M. Barnard." But then again, she also used the pseudonym "Cousin Tribulation," so perhaps she was just having fun with the reading public.

As for the author who didn't wear any underwear at all, well, I can't prove anything, but Lewis Grassic Gibbon, author of the Scots Quair trilogy, was from Scotland, and Scots sometimes wear kilts. Need I say more?

[Image Credits: J. C. Penney, I think.]

Books I'm Rejecting – The Theater

The candidate list of books for The Well-Read Man Project includes 137 plays, only five of which will make it into the final set. Plays come in two flavors: comedies and tragedies. I suppose when there are only two possible targets for your work, it's hard to come up with something original. QED, the existence of only 137 good plays.

Because of the effort involved in producing a play, playwrights (why isn't it "playwrites"?) tend to go the extra effort and include a full range of human drama and folly in every act. So it was really difficult to excise so many works that spoke to this reader's heart.

One rejected play is Faust, Goethe's classic legend of a man selling his soul to the devil. I had already read Christopher Marlowe's version, and there are only so many soul-selling plays one can handle. I also left out Aristophanes' The Frogs, Euripides' Medea, and Jean Racine's Phèdre. These are three great classic works of mythology, but as it turns out, most of the important plays in the world are great classic works of mythology, so I still have a lot to choose from.

Another play that won't make it to the end isn't a tragedy or a comedy. It's Waiting for Godot, by Samuel Beckett. I'm not really sure what it is, but this I know: "They do not move." This is a line from the play that gets repeated, over and over, repeatedly, now and again. And it applies once more, this time to its position in the project list.

Obama Releases Long-Form Green Card

After spending close to three years trying to avoid the issue altogether, President Barack Obama held a press conference last week to announce the full release of his "long-form" green card. Until the announcement, America's forty-forth president had dismissed calls for full disclosure of his immigration status with a curt "No way, Jose," raising questions of possible Mexican heritage.

"I have decided to release information on my green card so that we can move on with the nation's business, and not be distracted repeatedly by my foreign citizenship," said Mr. Obama. When asked about how he planned to deal with Article II, Section 1 of the Constitution, which requires the president be a "natural born citizen of the United States," he shifted the debate to his health care legislation. "While I understand the difficulties of those born through cesarean means, I am proud to say that my mother delivered me in the most natural, non-surgical manner available at the time in Kenya."

"This fight is not over," said Gwen Carpenter, leader of a "birther" organization called "The White House or the Big House, Your Choice." Ms. Carpenter continued, "For one thing, that card isn't even green. I'm part of a grass-roots movement. We know green."

The surprise announcement has had little impact on the administration's overall popularity. A network-news poll taken just seconds into the press conference found that Obama's approval ratings had not changed since earlier in the day.

Even with the ambivalence of the electorate on his side, President Obama may face a difficult challenge as the 2012 campaign season heats up. "Ever since I heard that the President had released his green card, I've found myself questioning why he released the document at this time," said a maudlin Donald Trump. "Now I have to think up some other divisive issue."

[Image Credits: White House official photo]

Repair Delays Plague Broken Global Warming Machine

A spate of costly delays has once again pushed back the planned restart date for the ailing global warming machine. Repair crews are working around the clock to restore the climate-altering system amid a tide of accusations from government leaders and denials from the secret one-world uber-government that such a machine even exists. The system, which has been out of commission for over a decade, could be down for several more years.

"This is a fiasco," said Hiroshi Bilderberger, a high-ranking manager in the family business that controls the global warming device. "It's so frustrating when the hidden right hand doesn't know what the hidden left hand is doing. The International Weather Service was pushing forward with production of the needed radioactive Iodine-131 and Cesium-137 isotopes in our Fukushima plant. Then for reasons beyond my comprehension, the International Tsunami Service scatters the stuff all over Tokyo. What is this world coming to?"

Despite efforts by both George W. Bush and Barack Obama to hide the problem with a series of exciting wars, whistleblowers are speaking up faster than the CIA can dispense with them. Sarah Silversmith, a professor of Earth Studies at a university that asked not to be named, was not surprised at the troubles. "The machine dates back to the Eisenhower administration, which first proposed the 'Meteorology-Industrial Complex.' The thing dies every few years, and since we deny it even exists, it's hard to find qualified repairmen. It's really too bad, too, because it's a gorgeous machine. Lots of shiny gears and whistles and smooth glass."

The size of the machine also makes repairs complex. The system exists in three parts of the globe: the control components in Geneva, Switzerland; the warming turbines just outside of Rio de Janeiro; and an administration office with full secretarial staff located in Minot, North Dakota. As first exposed in the 1973 Charlton Heston documentary Soylent Green, the ultimate purpose of the device is to allow a worldwide conglomeration of evil business interests and puppet governments to implement cannibalism by 2022. "I was just telling Al Gore the other day that I'd be surprised if man-burgers showed up before the middle of the century," said an agitated Dick Cheney.

[Image Credits: nasa.gov web site]

Local Family Raises Debt Ceiling

After several days of tense negotiations, a Seattle-area family has decided to increase the maximum amount of money it can borrow, also know as its "debt ceiling." The Watterson's previous limit was $286,000, an amount that included a mortgage, two car loans, and a 60-inch flat-screen television. "By increasing our indebtedness to $300,000, we can finally get back on a strong financial footing," said Helen Watterson, the wife in the family and the lone female representative. "And get a new summer dress."

Husband George voted in favor of the spending plan. "When I lost my job at the factory, we collected unemployment benefits for a while. But when that ran out, we resorted to deficit spending. It's served us well in the past. Holding back on the credit cards is probably what kept me from getting a new job in the first place. As everyone knows, there's no better way to revive the economy than by borrowing."

Billy, the youngest Watterson with a vocabulary limited to "mama" and "no," cast the only dissenting vote.

The family's financial difficulties began with their wedding, when the true cost of the $50,000 fête made its way onto Visa and MasterCard accounts. "We felt bad at first," said Helen, "but then we realized, 'This is cool!'" They made slow but steady progress paying down the original loan amount. "That is, until my uncle, Sam, recommended that I take out a loan on a house," said George.

"They're idiots," said Christopher Hoffman, the Watterson's meddling neighbor, whose daughter has invited young Billy to several of her front-lawn tea parties. "I'm a financial adviser by trade, and I can tell you that, given their current level of income, the only legal means they have of getting out of debt are to reduce their spending, or to find a way to extract money from their friends and relatives."

"I'm liking that second option," responded George from across the hedge.

Notable economists were generally upbeat about the family's plan. "I'd loan them a buck or two," said Paul Krugman, the Nobel laureate for economics and columnist with The New York Times. Timothy Geitner, a high-ranking secretary of something or other at "The Executive Branch," agreed, but was cautious. "At some point, even foreign banks are going to stop lending to them," warned Tim. He also pointed out that past performance is not indicative of future results, "despite our best efforts."

Even with the increase in their borrowing, the Wattersons continue to look for a job or some other way to pay back the funds. "We could cut back our expenses," said George, "but as my son grows, I think this mountain of red ink will better serve as a teaching experience for him. The future of our home—of our nation—is in the hands of our children. It gives me hope."

[Image Credits: Money image copyright (c) 2007 by S Brumley (sxc.hu/LilGoldWmn). Arrow from Microsoft Office clip art.]

Blitzen Placed on No-Fly List

Blitzen the Reindeer, one of Kris Kringle's famed "Mighty Eight," has been placed on the Transportation Security Administration's "no-fly" list just days before he was to help guide Santa's sleigh on its annual Christmas run. The travel restriction, which only impacts flights over the United States, could jeopardize a toy delivery schedule already hampered by electronics shortages in China.

"This is an outrage," said Ernie, the official spokeself for the North Pole, although with his high, squeaky voice it might have been "Miss in the floutage" as well. "We demand that the TSA immediately restore Blitzen's flying privileges and issue a formal apology for this senseless error. Otherwise, we will be forced to take back the full-body scanners we put in their stockings last year."

Officials with the Obama Administration were investigating the incident. One Department of Flying Animals representative, who spoke on condition of anonymity because his family thinks he works in more reputable job, thought the red flag in the reindeer's file might have come from name confusion with the famed terrorist leader Abu Masood al Blitzen.

Not everyone was disappointed to see Blitzen confined to the North Pole. The CIA has been monitoring a Canadian reindeer sleeper cell for several years on reports that they may have been planning to take out several of Santa's hoofed helpers. "It's entirely unfair," said Fritz, the president of Antlers United, a reindeer advocacy group. "Santa keeps using the same eight reindeer over and over again, century after century. It's only because of strict headlight safety laws that we were able to get Rudolph accepted into the team. Until Mr. Claus opens the sleigh up to other participants, I bet we're going to see more attempts to hinder or even eliminate Dasher, Dancer, and the others."

Even if the Blitzen incident gets cleared up before December 25, other troubles loom for Jolly Saint Nick. Although the recent elf strike was resolved quickly, the North Pole's heavy investment in the now-stumbling Greek economy has led to the closure of several of Santa's snow-capped toy factories. "Sometimes, I wish the entire toy thing would just disappear," said Santa Claus in a recent interview with Barbara Walters. "With all the manufacturing regulations and the pressures of the season, it makes you wonder if Christmas wasn't supposed to be about something much simpler."

[Image Credits: Reindeer image copyright (c) 2009 by sxc.hu/RAWKU5. Full-body Scanner image from TSA web site.]

Google Announces Car Key Search Beta

At a press conference held in front of a T. J. Maxx store in San Jose, California, Google announced today a new search tool for lost car keys. The service, an extension of its online query business, joins a large cadre of specialized search engines that find everything from square root of 42 to undisclosed vice-presidential locations.

"This new tool is more than just a glorified key chain," said Sergey Brin, Technology President for the prominent dot-com business. "It will let you pinpoint...

Crews Finally Plug Massive Campbell's Soup Leak

After a month of failed attempts that nearly put local sandwich shops out of business, crews at the Campbell Soup Company headquarters in Camden, New Jersey, successfully capped a gushing soup well. This is the same well that exploded 38 days ago, sending a rich, creamy, vitamin-packed tomato wave across four city blocks.

George Pepperidge, spokesman for the food giant, praised the teams who worked to stem the flow of motherly goodness in a bowl. "Our engineering department did an mmm mmm...