Doug Ward's Blog, page 86

Ward's Laws #1920

So, I buy a set of scrubs to wear grocery shopping, thinking people will be so impressed.  Well, the geezer in front of me decides to have a heart attack and I start screaming for a doctor.  Everyone is just looking at me, confused.  Then it dawns on me that they think I'm a doctor so I immediately call up the only medical memories I have.  That's right, the stout, Moe Howard looking guy from the board game Operation.  Let's just say the guy pulled through but was minus his funny bone and those pesky butterflies in his stomach.

Ward's Laws #1917

I remember when transactions at stores were as fast as punching in a few numbers on the cash register. But now that they steal your identity with their reward card deceptions, buying a new pair of underwear takes hours.

Ward's Laws #1916

Yeah. I'm that kinda guy. A rebel. Real trouble. Outside food in the Cinema kind of bad.

Ward's Laws #1914

I'll bet bears think humans are the most fragile creatures. Every time they see the silly human drops dead. Of apparently nothing.

Ward's Laws #1912

I've had a case of bottled water in my basement for a few years and I think it's a little past it's expiration date.  Ok, the Sea-Monkeys have evolved enough to have jet skis.

Ward's Laws #1909

I just got a tattoo I think it's called a tramp stamp. It's really a temporary tattoo just in case I don't like the life style that goes with it. Oops... I dropped my car keys again. Now I better bend way over and slowly pick them up.

Ward's Laws #1907

Why do they fold men's dress shirts with a myriad of pins in them?  Cardboard and plastic, with a layer of tissue paper, you know I'm taking one apart so I can try it on.  Why not skip all the packaging and put them on a hanger or do they like to watch me stab myself?

Ward's Laws #1906

I find people wearing shorts and hoodies confusing.

Ward's Laws #1903

I never attend ice cream socials because I'm always afraid I could get roofied.  I'd be all groggy on my third bowl and bam!  I'd wake up some time later with strawberry sauce on my shirt and some jimmies on my cheek with some Dairy Queen's phone number in my pocket.

Ward's Laws #1900

Before going to Assateague Island, make sure you pack plenty of cookies and juice. The amount of blood you lose from those mosquitoes is mind-boggling.