Doug Ward's Blog, page 83

Ward's Laws #1980

Let me get this straight.  Twilight is a series of five movies, all about a human woman trying to choose between a vampire and a werewolf.  Can you imagine if they threw a zombie in there?  Three more movies with parts all over the place.

Ward's Laws #1978

I have to cut down on the fiber.  I think I pooped out a pinecone a few minutes ago.

Ward's Laws #1976

My first day as a kindergarten student I had to go to the bathroom, so I raised my little hand and asked for permission.  My teacher asked me if I had to go number 1 or number 2.  With an angry look on my face I snapped, "I have to drop a deuce and your asking me math questions?"

Ward's Laws #1974

Hooves on animals make me anxious.

Ward's Laws #1971

If you abbreviate United States all you have is us.

Ward's Laws #1969

U2 gave us all a free gift on iTunes. It's their new album. I thought gifts were typically things you would like?

Ward's Laws #1968

Can you imagine having gym class with that Hunger Games girl.  "It's only dodgeball for trying out loud. Why do you have to whip out the bow for every game. The nurse is out of Bandaids for crying out loud."

Ward's Laws #1965

I was President of the Industrial Arts Club in high school.  At least, that is, until I started wielding my new found powers with impunity.  I guess I shouldn’t have referred to everyone else in the club as peons, but my godlike status did require a certain measure of respect.  After my three-day rule I was promptly overthrown in a bloody coup by the rest of the club.  That’s how I became the first President of PIASA to be impeached.

Ward's Laws #1963

I don't understand the whole smartwatch thing.  They rely completely to the phone in your pocket.  How lazy are you that you'd struggle with a tiny interface when you can use the whole computer if you just reach into your pocket.

Ward's Laws #1961

Why does it seem every other month there's a super moon. Where were they when I was a kid?  I have a little theory. I believe the moon is plummeting toward earth. Probably piloted by moon maidens. We're on the verge of a full out other-worldly invasion. We're all doomed, I tell you! Doomed. There will be beautiful moon maidens all over the world  They will take us prisoner and do unfortunate things to like lock us up and ...  Hmmm. Nevermind.