Doug Ward's Blog, page 24

Ward's Words #1108

So, we take Orie to the vet with some stool samples in Tupperware containers. Our vet has the nerve to look at us like we’re crazy because when we were leaving, April asked if she could have the containers back. What does he think we’re going to put my lunch in tomorrow or pack that piece of pie for gramma in? Plastic doesn’t grow on trees.

Ward's Words #1106

I can magically make blue toilet water green.

Ward's Words #1104

Clownfish aren't funny but at least they don't carry that creep vibe of normal clowns.

Ward's Words #1101

If you saw the thread about left-over Easter chocolate, that’s a good example of Fake News. What kind of dysfunctional household would have left-over chocolate? I’m glad I was raised in a stable home.

Ward's Words #1100

The third holiday treat we are releasing is actually a spin-off of the last one. It’s the Anatomically Correct Easter Bunny; CSI edition. For those youngsters who love crime shows, each of these bunnies holds clues as to how it died. You’re child will be able to dissect the delicate outer shell and find one of 30 different causes. You can choose from “Blunt Force Benny,” to “Stabby Stan.” Or throw them off the trail with “Mesothelioma Moe.”

Ward's Words #1099

The second holiday treat Ward’s Words is releasing is the Anatomically Correct Easter Bunny. Parents will be thrilled as we turn a treat into a learning tool. Each juicy part will be labeled and flavored like the real thing. Won’t you be happy when your child says, “Look mom, I got a pancreas!”

Ward's Words #1098

Here, at Ward’s Words, we are releasing three new treats for Easter. The first is called Sour Patch Kidneys. Odd shaped gummies that, when bitten into, release a salty-sour liquid center. They’re best if you warm them up before eating.

Ward's Words #1095

I thought the “mother of all bombs” was Betty Crocker… She does make yellow cake.

Ward's Words #1094

If I had a child, I’d name it Joe. Just so he could wake up to morning Joe.

Ward's Words #1091

Sure, owning a butcher shop next to a cemetery seems convent, but the constant shoveling makes it such a hassle. Winter sure is Hell in Buffalo, NY.