Doug Ward's Blog, page 23
May 11, 2017
Ward's Words #1128
When I was younger, I liked to date Dutch girls. I had this illusion that I'd only have to pay for myself.
May 10, 2017
Ward's Words #1126
If your understanding of how our legislative process works came from SchoolHouse Rock… You didn’t pay enough attention in school.
May 8, 2017
Ward's Words #1124
I don't like Chipotle. What kind of respectable Mexican place doesn't have jalapeño peppers?
May 7, 2017
Ward's Words #1123
Why do baseball coaches wear uniforms? It's not like in a pinch they're going to play. You don't see Mike Tomlin, the coach of the Pittsburgh Steelers, in shoulder pads.
May 5, 2017
Ward's Words #1121
In an effort to compete with the world’s most expensive coffee, we, at Ward’s Words, are trying to copy the process that the Kopi luwak use. Over the last 24 hours, I’ve been eating coffee cherries and dedicating the processed beans. We’re fairly certain the unique nutty taste will appeal to the most refined hipster.
May 3, 2017
Ward's Words #1118
Why is Superman muscular? If you can naturally lift an entire island, what could you possibly use for strength training?
May 2, 2017
Ward's Words #1116
I really hate filling out my birth date online. They use that thing that makes you scroll through the years. All 54 of them. It takes about an hour to get to 1963.
May 1, 2017
Ward's Words #1114
Let me get this straight, Superman is an alien to our world, yet he can drink the water in Kansas without suffering Montezuma’s Revenge. I, on the other hand, can’t take one sip from across the Rio Grand. So, now he’s immune from parasites, bacteria, etc…?
April 30, 2017
Ward's Words #1113
Having to stop for pedestrians in the crosswalk is really annoying. Humans are 180 odd pounds of mushy flesh while I’m driving a ton of fine Japanese steel! But just keep in mind, if you pedestrians go rogue and try strolling outside the confines of the crosswalk, you’re fair game. I’m going to go all Death Race 2000 on you. How many points is a 20 something hipster, anyways?
April 28, 2017
Ward's Words #1110
The Teflon coating on our pots and pans is flaking off, but I look at it as a positive thing. It has turned my bowels into a slip n slide. I literally have to eat while sitting on the toilet.
