Doug Ward's Blog, page 106
November 13, 2013
Ward's Laws #1516
I was kind of nervous before giving my big speech so a friend of mine gave me some advice. He said, "Just picture the audience in their underwear." That would have been great advice if I weren't addressing an AARP convention.
November 12, 2013
Ward's Laws #1514
Watching Finding Bigfoot is like watching Linus waiting for the Great Pumpkin... Any minute now... What was that? Oh, just an owl... Any minute now...
November 11, 2013
Ward's Laws #1512
I love when they reenact stories on paranormal TV programs. But isn't it odd that they always use better looking people to do the acting? Do good looks make the story much more believable. If we look to Disney, that statement might just be true. Evil is always ugly while good is the fairest in the land.
November 8, 2013
Ward's Laws #1507
I like to visit restaurants that serve foreign food. Indian and Mexican are among my favorites but there's nothing like eating a fine Canadian breakfast. My usual haunt for this is the Tim Horton's. It features some fine Canadian foods like Canadian bacon when placed on a muffin baked with canola oil and topped with American processed cheese (Invented by a Canadian), maple syrup and an egg (no, the egg isn't a Canadian invention but the carton surely is.) On the way out I like to crunch into a nice McIntosh Apple. So, the next time you heap a pile of instant mashed potatoes on your dinner plate hum a few bars of "O Canada," because you're eating a forkful of it.
November 6, 2013
Ward's Laws #1505
The whole Michael Myers killing spree could have been avoided. He only wanted to kill his sister... If she would have just gone willingly, think of all the people who could have lived?
November 5, 2013
Ward's Laws #1504
It's time once again for the crack staff at Ward's Laws to stand up for the downtrodden. I think the band members from the Steve Miller Band owe me a refund as well as a big apology. I recently actually listened to their "Fly like an Eagle" 8Track tape and found it severely lacking. For instance, "Take the Money and Run" literally has no story. Two young drug-using hicks kill a man while robbing his castle. Then the song introduces a cop who's good at solving crimes while being paid by (other) peoples taxes (not like his own taxes don't contribute to his income.) Then the couple meets up and gets away... with theft and murder... Why'd they even put the verses about Billy Mack in the song? He literally plays no part other than to be criticized!
Don't get me started about how repetitive the rest of the album was. "Fly like an Eagle" is hypnotic in it's use of only two lines throughout the song. That pattern is recycled in "Dance, Dance, Dance." (Notice they even used a repetitive title.) Repetition is just a way of masking lack of creativity.
I believe I spent $5.00 in JC Penney's for this 8Track. The offending music is 1/4th of the tape so I want $1.25. And for the countless hours of having to hear these songs over the radio the grand total they owe me comes to $1,372,668.41. I'll take my check now you long haired country-fried hippies!!! Who's the Joker now!!!
Don't get me started about how repetitive the rest of the album was. "Fly like an Eagle" is hypnotic in it's use of only two lines throughout the song. That pattern is recycled in "Dance, Dance, Dance." (Notice they even used a repetitive title.) Repetition is just a way of masking lack of creativity.
I believe I spent $5.00 in JC Penney's for this 8Track. The offending music is 1/4th of the tape so I want $1.25. And for the countless hours of having to hear these songs over the radio the grand total they owe me comes to $1,372,668.41. I'll take my check now you long haired country-fried hippies!!! Who's the Joker now!!!
November 4, 2013
Ward's Laws #1500
I think I uncovered proof that the Loch Ness Monster's real!!! I mean, it's a living creature. Let me take you through the logic. Loch Ness Monster is a proper noun. That implies it is a specific thing or entity. Do you see where I am going with this? If it's capitalized it must be a specific thing. Ergo, since he's not a common noun he must be real!
November 2, 2013
Ward's Laws #1499
What's the plural of Bigfoot? Bigfeet?
October 29, 2013
World Domination has begun!!!!!
World Domination 10/29/13 One more part and my army of robotic vampiric monkeybots will be complete. The only piece missing is a small quantity of refined uranium. Bwahahahaha...
October 28, 2013
Mayan Calendar Watch
Occasionally, I like to post something odd happening in my life. These posts always appear on my Facebook wall. I thought I'd share one of these gems before I start the "World Domination" scenario. Below is a series of Facebook Posts I did prior to the end of the Mayan calendar.
Mayan Calendar Watch
Mayan Calendar Watch 12/16/2012 I just finished shopping for my final supplies. It was terrible in there. I had to push a three-year-old out of my way so I could get the last Kit-Kat bar. Soon humanity will begin to break down. People will start acting like animals. "SHUT UP YA OLE BIDDY! AND GET YOUR BONEY HANDS OFFA MY HO-HOs!!!"
Mayan Calendar Watch 12/16/2012 Food stuffs all secured and my water supply is optimal. I'll be entering my Mayan Doomsday bunker in a few minutes. I reflect upon my life as I gaze one last time at the stars above. Passing on that IBM stock, my first Betamax, Pittsburgh Pirate season tickets... What was I thinking?
Mayan Calendar Watch 12/16/2012 As the doors close on my Mayan Doomsday Bunker I notice that my porch needs to be painted. I wish I'd seen that earlier. Now it won't last as long.
Mayan Calendar Watch 12/17/2012 I must reopen the Mayan Doomsday Bunker. I just realized I forgot to stock toilet paper. Now I'm making a run for Walmart for toilet paper and socks. Just don't ask.
Mayan Calendar Watch 12/17/2012 The world's become a savage place. Parking lots full, store shelves nearly empty, and some guy in a red suit and ringing a bell tried to fleece me of my hard earned change. I can't wait till I'm safely ensconced back in my bunker once again.
Mayan Calendar Watch 12/18/2012 I hear a rapping noise on my doomsday bunker door. It must be terrible out there, mass hysteria. Against my better judgment I break the seal and look outside. I see my wife and... ohh... Chocolate chip cookies. As I seal the door once again I hear her say, "Play nice dear."
Mayan Calendar Watch 12/19/2012 I realize I forgot my love; the companion with whom I've shared long walks, movies, my bed, and my life. How could I subject, the one I've shared my life with, to the horrors of the end of the world. I unseal the bunker doors yet again and retrieve my dog.
Mayan Calendar Watch 12/19/2012 The dog needs out again? How am I ever going to hold back hoards of people seeking sanctuary from the Mayan Doom if I'm constantly letting him out to pee. This is the last time you butt-scooting varmint. From now on you have to hold it!
Mayan Calendar Watch 12/20/2012 Food and water are running low. Having the extra mouth to feed is making my edible supply disappear rapidly. I look at my dog Orie and think? I can't... I wont... I make a run, once again, to Walmart for some barbeque sauce.
Mayan Calendar Watch 12/20/2012 It's the eve of doom. Silly people all about are preparing for work tomorrow when they should be getting ready to have their butts handed to them. Well, I guess it's the same thing.
Mayan Calendar Watch 12/21/2012 The end is upon us. My food is nearly exhausted and I am growing ever more delirious. I need nourishment. Come here Orie... Here boy... Let me pet you nice and softly with this fillet knife here... Gotta hand it to the mutt. He sure is nimble.
Mayan Calendar Watch 12/21/2012 I can't exist in this box much longer. I've been living off Trix cereal and drinking my own urine for the last two days. The sad thing is it's a million times worse out there. I believe everything is gone. A dead world. Humanity is gone. Man's stunning achievements of architecture like the golden arches of McDonalds, gone. Great works of art by the likes of Bob Ross and Thomas Kinkade, dust. Never again will we hear the beautiful lilting voice of Justin Bieber. How will we ever find out if Leonard marries Penny? It 's over. Now, only silence and a steaming juice box full of pee.
Mayan Calendar Watch 12/21/2012 With tentative fingers I undo the complex locking mechanism of the bunker doors. Heart full of trepidation my mind reels at what I will see. But I cannot hide in here. The last man. The last human. The last being from the planet Earth. What awaits me outside I know not. But I sure know what's in here and it smells really bad. How can such a small dog make such a terrible stench? I knew I shouldn't have given him that chili.
Mayan Calendar Watch 12/21/2012 -Final Entry- As the bunker door parts I see a world much like the one I left behind. Birds fly past and a car drives bye. CRAP! Now I gotta pay for all this junk I bought! Anyone want a slightly used bomb shelter?
Mayan Calendar Watch 12/22/2012 Post Apocalypse Notes: Ok, the world didn't end... this time. The next doomsday prophecy is for May 19, 2013. Ronald Weinland's revised prediction of Jesus Christ's return. He did predict the same thing in 2011 and 2012 but this time I'm pretty sure he'll get it right.
Mayan Calendar Watch
Mayan Calendar Watch 12/16/2012 I just finished shopping for my final supplies. It was terrible in there. I had to push a three-year-old out of my way so I could get the last Kit-Kat bar. Soon humanity will begin to break down. People will start acting like animals. "SHUT UP YA OLE BIDDY! AND GET YOUR BONEY HANDS OFFA MY HO-HOs!!!"
Mayan Calendar Watch 12/16/2012 Food stuffs all secured and my water supply is optimal. I'll be entering my Mayan Doomsday bunker in a few minutes. I reflect upon my life as I gaze one last time at the stars above. Passing on that IBM stock, my first Betamax, Pittsburgh Pirate season tickets... What was I thinking?
Mayan Calendar Watch 12/16/2012 As the doors close on my Mayan Doomsday Bunker I notice that my porch needs to be painted. I wish I'd seen that earlier. Now it won't last as long.
Mayan Calendar Watch 12/17/2012 I must reopen the Mayan Doomsday Bunker. I just realized I forgot to stock toilet paper. Now I'm making a run for Walmart for toilet paper and socks. Just don't ask.
Mayan Calendar Watch 12/17/2012 The world's become a savage place. Parking lots full, store shelves nearly empty, and some guy in a red suit and ringing a bell tried to fleece me of my hard earned change. I can't wait till I'm safely ensconced back in my bunker once again.
Mayan Calendar Watch 12/18/2012 I hear a rapping noise on my doomsday bunker door. It must be terrible out there, mass hysteria. Against my better judgment I break the seal and look outside. I see my wife and... ohh... Chocolate chip cookies. As I seal the door once again I hear her say, "Play nice dear."
Mayan Calendar Watch 12/19/2012 I realize I forgot my love; the companion with whom I've shared long walks, movies, my bed, and my life. How could I subject, the one I've shared my life with, to the horrors of the end of the world. I unseal the bunker doors yet again and retrieve my dog.
Mayan Calendar Watch 12/19/2012 The dog needs out again? How am I ever going to hold back hoards of people seeking sanctuary from the Mayan Doom if I'm constantly letting him out to pee. This is the last time you butt-scooting varmint. From now on you have to hold it!
Mayan Calendar Watch 12/20/2012 Food and water are running low. Having the extra mouth to feed is making my edible supply disappear rapidly. I look at my dog Orie and think? I can't... I wont... I make a run, once again, to Walmart for some barbeque sauce.
Mayan Calendar Watch 12/20/2012 It's the eve of doom. Silly people all about are preparing for work tomorrow when they should be getting ready to have their butts handed to them. Well, I guess it's the same thing.
Mayan Calendar Watch 12/21/2012 The end is upon us. My food is nearly exhausted and I am growing ever more delirious. I need nourishment. Come here Orie... Here boy... Let me pet you nice and softly with this fillet knife here... Gotta hand it to the mutt. He sure is nimble.
Mayan Calendar Watch 12/21/2012 I can't exist in this box much longer. I've been living off Trix cereal and drinking my own urine for the last two days. The sad thing is it's a million times worse out there. I believe everything is gone. A dead world. Humanity is gone. Man's stunning achievements of architecture like the golden arches of McDonalds, gone. Great works of art by the likes of Bob Ross and Thomas Kinkade, dust. Never again will we hear the beautiful lilting voice of Justin Bieber. How will we ever find out if Leonard marries Penny? It 's over. Now, only silence and a steaming juice box full of pee.
Mayan Calendar Watch 12/21/2012 With tentative fingers I undo the complex locking mechanism of the bunker doors. Heart full of trepidation my mind reels at what I will see. But I cannot hide in here. The last man. The last human. The last being from the planet Earth. What awaits me outside I know not. But I sure know what's in here and it smells really bad. How can such a small dog make such a terrible stench? I knew I shouldn't have given him that chili.
Mayan Calendar Watch 12/21/2012 -Final Entry- As the bunker door parts I see a world much like the one I left behind. Birds fly past and a car drives bye. CRAP! Now I gotta pay for all this junk I bought! Anyone want a slightly used bomb shelter?
Mayan Calendar Watch 12/22/2012 Post Apocalypse Notes: Ok, the world didn't end... this time. The next doomsday prophecy is for May 19, 2013. Ronald Weinland's revised prediction of Jesus Christ's return. He did predict the same thing in 2011 and 2012 but this time I'm pretty sure he'll get it right.
