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“I cut an inch off of every straw I see, just to make the world suck a little less.
”
― This Book Has No Title
― This Book Has No Title

“Having a grandmother is like having an army. This is a grandchild’s ultimate privilege: knowing that someone is on your side, always, whatever the details.”
― My Grandmother Asked Me to Tell You She's Sorry
― My Grandmother Asked Me to Tell You She's Sorry

“You call me a misanthrope because I avoid society. You err; I love society. Yet in order not to hate people, I must avoid their company.”
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“This is why you must love life: one day you're offering up your social security number to the Russian Mafia; two weeks later you're using the word calve as a verb.”
― Where'd You Go, Bernadette
― Where'd You Go, Bernadette

“Your basic Southern Baptist would willingly delay his personal ascent into heaven for the baser pleasure of hanging around to see you burn in hell.”
― Ranchero
― Ranchero
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