John

“For the record, folks; I never took a shit on stage and the closest I ever came to eating shit anywhere was at a Holiday Inn buffet in Fayetteville, North Carolina, in 1973.”
― Frank Zappa, The Real Frank Zappa Book

“If you read an essay in Esquire and don’t like it, there could be something wrong with the essay. If it’s in The New Yorker, on the other hand, and you don’t like it, there’s something wrong with you.”
― David Sedaris, The Best of Me

“Hello, you must be Alan.’ It was production runner, Paula. ‘I’m the production runner, Paula.’ ‘That’s a nice name.’ This was my go-to compliment when meeting people for the first time. ‘Oh, really? Do you think so?’ Problem was, it worked less well with what one might call the shitter names, such as Paula, when it could sound dangerously sarcastic. ‘Absolutely, my mum was called Paula.’ My mum was not called Paula, but by lying I had stopped sounding like I was being sarcastic.”
― Alan Partridge, Alan Partridge: Big Beacon: The hilarious memoir from the nation's favourite broadcaster

“Sooner or later in life everyone discovers that perfect happiness is unrealizable, but there are few who pause to consider the antithesis: that perfect unhappiness is equally unattainable.”
― Primo Levi, Survival in Auschwitz