Terminalcoffee discussion
General Fuckery
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jonathan, i need your help! (Everyone's Captions), Not Visiting Belgium
I always get a bit flush playing the fiddle.
Mod
I didn't realize Newfies could play the fiddle with those big paws of theirs.
Bun, the Walking While Kissing competition sounds like an entirely credible Olympic event to me, and it would probably garner at least as big a TV audience as Badminton or Men's Field Hockey.
I try to keep it quiet, Bun. The fact is that the Committee will probably strip me of the medal once they discover that I'm not Dutch and was therefore never qualified to join the Dutch Olympic Kiss Walking Team.
"Belgium" is something the Dutch make a lot of fun of. I wouldn't say they aren't interested in it. How about "products that offer a poor value relative to price"? Wait. No, actually they have an entire TV show devoted to exposing those. I'll think of something.
Jonathan wrote: "I always get a bit flush playing the fiddle."And I get even more flushed playing the flute.
Mod
#172 - To unwind after a day of greeting witches, guests and emissaries representatives from the Lollipop Guild liked to unwind with hard liquor, music and the occasional short romp in the closet.
three guys work in the same office, in a skyscraper, one of them's dutch, one of them's belgian and the third one's german. every day they all have cheese on their sandwiches. the dutch guy says one day: if there's cheese on my sandwich tomorrow i'm going to jump off this building. the german says the same, and so does the belgian guy. next day: cheese. they all jump. at the dutch guy's funeral his mother says: i should have never put cheese on his sandwiches ... at the german guy's funeral his mother says: i should have never put cheese on his sandwiches ... at the belgian's funeral his mother says: he always made his own sandwiches ...
Oh, Janine, that is so cruel...and yet so funny. The poor Belgians.As for closet romping, Kevin, from what I hear it's an indoor sport with much to recommend it.
Jean-Honoré Fragonard
99 belgians and one dutch person are on a plane. suddenly the floor falls out. luckily, everyone can grab onto something and no one is hurt. the pilot announces the plane is too heavy, and discards all luggage. but the plane is still too heavy. one person will have to jump. the dutch person says: i'll do it, and jumps. all the belgians cheer and clap their hands.
three belgian guys arrive at a spanish police station. they tell their dutch friend has disappeared. the officer wants to know what he looks like and on of the belgian guys says: he has black hair. that's not much use, the officer says, everyone here has black hair. says one of the other belgian guys: he has three assholes! hm, that might be of use, how did you find out about that? the officer asks. well, one of the belgian guys says, tomorrow a waiter in our hotel siad: there's the dutch guy with the three assholes.
A Dutchman, an American, and a Belgian are on the 4th floor of an apartment building when a fire suddenly breaks out on the floor below. Seeing an umbrella stand, the Dutchman grabs an umbrella and opens it as he jumps out the window, landing gently and safely on the ground below. The American does likewise. Moments later, the Belgian leaps out the window wearing a raincoat, lands harshly, and breaks his leg. When asked what he was doing, he says, "There were no more umbrellas, but I didn't want to get soaked."
the belgian government pays a visit to the dutch government. the belgians say: you always make fun of us, can't you do something so we can make fun of you for once?the dutch government thinks for a while and then says: ok, we though of something. a month later they have built a bridge in the sahara.
millions of belgians laugh their ass off. next month the belgian government pays another visit and says: that bridge has been there for a month, it's not funny anymore, take it down.
the dutch goverment says: we have tried, but every time we go there dozens of belgians are sitting on the bridge, fishing.
why do belgians take hay with them to bed?to feed their nightmares.
What does a Belgian do the first time he sees a traffic light? He stops for the red light, marvels at the green and the yellow, and then drives on when the red comes up again, because obviously the show is repeating itself.
an american, a frenchman and a guy form belgium sit in a hotel bar.i'm from texas, the american says.
my ranch is so large you'd have to drive for a day to to reach the other end.
that's some serious farm, the other two think.
i'm from paris, the french guy says.
i own an apartment building on the champs-élyssées, it's as tall as the eiffel tower.
that's some serious apartment, the other two think.
i'm from turnhout, the belgian guy says.
my prick is 45 cm.
that's a serious lenght, the other two think.
the next morning at breakfast the american says: sorry boys, i lied yesterday.
you can drive through my ranch in half a day.
i lied too, the frenchman says, my building is only half as tall as the eiffel tower.
i didn't tell the truth either, the guy from belgium says, i'm not from turnhout, but from oud-turnhout.
why do belgians take a car door with them to the desert?so they can open the window when it gets too hot.
a belgian is in america, looking at the white house. a guy walks to him, opens his jacket and says: FBI. the belgian opens his jacket and says: 100% pure wool.
a belgian goes to the pound to find a pet. he chooses a cat with one ear, three legs and no tail. he takes it to the vet, who says: i'm afraid i'm going to have to finish this poor creature. the belgian says: i thought so. he waits three weeks and returns to the vet. he says: is it ready?
A rich Belgian invites his Dutch friends over for a pool party, but this Belgian is so rich that he has 3 pools: one with cold water, one with warm water, and one with no water. Confused, his guests ask him, "Why would you want a pool with no water?" He replies, "It's for anyone who can't swim."
a frenchman, a scot and a belgian have to go to prison for five years. they are in luck, it's the judge's birthday and they all get to take something with them.the frenchman chooses his three girlfriends.
the scot chooses twelve crates of whiskey.
the belgian chooses a supply of cigarettes.
after five years they walk out the prison.
the frenchman looks a little skinny.
the scot hiccups and says he had a pretty good time.
the belgian comes out with a cigarette in his mouth and asks: does anyone have a lighter?
Those are all very funny. Now can we get back to captions?
Sarah Pi wrote: "Those are all very funny. Now can we get back to captions?"Yes, of course. The painting in msg. 191 is still in need of a caption.
#191 - The "hide-in-the-closet-hey-i've-got-a-secret-to tell-you-then-smooch-quickly-when-they-lean-in" routine worked so well that Jean decided next she would try the "hey-wonder-if-your-underpants-fit-me" gag next.
Don't try a line like that on The Surfing Nurse. She's a tough customer:
Richard Prince
That's better. The jokes were funny, but the captions are comic gold. PS Jonathan, I was just joking around in #165. I didn't get a metrosexual vibe from you.
No worries, Sarah. I found it amusing, and in any event it wouldn't bother me one way or the other.
#208 - The job description said "Wanted: health care professional with experience in phlebotomy, anesthesiology, midwifery, administering inotropes and can do a fakie, a layback and a bottom turn down the line. Must have own board and stethoscope." Heidi had finally found the perfect job. She was stoked.
That's interesting. I saw another woman recently, who I thought might be on her way to a job interview--but then again maybe not. She seemed so dramatic...
Cindy Sherman
#212 Alice was very excited when she felt the nubs on her shoulders. "Wings!" she thought. "I've always dreamed I could fly!" The nubs grew and hardened. What she had thought would become wings became entire skyscrapers. She gradually forgot all thoughts of flight and concentrated on her new reality: her tenants would touch the clouds, but she would not.
#212 - "Being lost in Legoland was one thing but thinking the guy with the c-shaped claw hands in the pirate costume might be following her really freaked Alice out."
BunWat wrote: "Oh Pie of awesome."Yours has time machines and underwear!
I like Bun's time machine and Sarah's wings made of buildings and Kevin's pirate with claws--but I think the woman in #212 was actually transfixed staring at the naked mime doing his fountain imitation in front of the Plaza Hotel. Or maybe I'm wrong and this image below is a picture of something else?
Bruce Nauman
#219 Bill was always up for trying new sports, but spit volleyball just didn't seem like it would catch on.
#219 - "Drunken Naked Twister seemed fun until "right hand blue" turned out to be "head butt to nuts" which caused Jim to urp up his last tequila shot."
If you think those games are complicated, what are the rules to this one?
Gebroeders van Limburg (Très Riches Heures du Duc de Berry)
#222 - "There's three grabbers, three taggers, five twig runners, and the player at whack-bat. Center tagger lights the pine cone and chucks it over the basket, and the whackbatter tries to hit the ceder stick off the cross rock. Then the twig runners dash back and forth until the pine cone burns out and the umpire calls hotbox. finally at the end you count up how many score runs that adds up to and divide that by nine."
Kevin "El Liso Grande" wrote: "#222 - "There's three grabbers, three taggers, five twig runners, and the player at whack-bat. Center tagger lights the pine cone and chucks it over the basket, and the whackbatter tries to hit th..."Love that Fantastic Mr. Fox.
Barb wrote: "While the smarter members of the group got down to the business of establishing the rules for this new game they would call "Rock, Paper, Scissors" ... some were confused and began looking for actu..."Hahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
Rock, paper, scissors--that's hilarious, Barb!I guess it's springtime and everyone's thoughts are turning to sports and recreation...
J. C. Leyendecker
Mod
Archibald Wallace Givens III knew he'd better play his best that day. Errant shots were sure to be rewarded with a sharp smack across his bottom by the otherwise beautiful and engaging Emporia Hartwick, known to be an ace with her vintage Spalding racket.
#228 - Edward eyed Sissy cautiously. Sure she was cute as a button but what the Sam Hill was she gonna do with a tennis racquet at the golf course?
It's true, Kevin. In these modern times, it's become more and more difficult to find a woman of substance, like dear old mom.
George Bellows
#233 - "The online taxidermy classes really paid off when the bird died after practicing on ma & pop first."
Terminalcoffee
Books mentioned in this topic
Tiger Flower (other topics)The Sound and the Furry (other topics)
How to Roll a Blunt for Dummies! (other topics)
Fabric of Vision : Dress and Drapery in Painting (other topics)
Seeing Through Clothes (other topics)
Judith Leyster