Mort > Mort's Quotes

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  • #1
    Stephen  King
    “FEAR stands for fuck everything and run.”
    Stephen King, Doctor Sleep

  • #2
    Terry Pratchett
    “No! Please! I'll tell you whatever you want to know!" the man yelled.
    "Really?" said Vimes. "What's the orbital velocity of the moon?"
    "What?"
    "Oh, you'd like something simpler?”
    Terry Pratchett, Night Watch

  • #3
    Tim Dorsey
    “We’re all damaged. It’s a universal component of the human condition, like the stages of grief, deja vu, and expired coupons.”
    Tim Dorsey, Nuclear Jellyfish

  • #4
    Jeff Strand
    “I know I'll die someday, but I buy books like an immortal.”
    Jeff Strand

  • #5
    David Sedaris
    “If you're looking for sympathy you'll find it between shit and syphilis in the dictionary.”
    David Sedaris, Barrel Fever: Stories and Essays

  • #6
    Terry Pratchett
    “The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.”
    Terry Pratchett, Diggers

  • #7
    Robert Frost
    “In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.”
    Robert Frost

  • #8
    Terry Pratchett
    “Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life.”
    Terry Pratchett, Jingo

  • #9
    Douglas Adams
    “I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer”
    Douglas Adams

  • #10
    Mark Twain
    “Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.”
    Mark Twain

  • #11
    W.C. Fields
    “If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.”
    W.C. Fields

  • #12
    Steven Wright
    “Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.”
    Steven Wright

  • #13
    George Carlin
    “Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.”
    George Carlin

  • #14
    Groucho Marx
    “From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.”
    Groucho Marx

  • #15
    Mae West
    “I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.”
    Mae West

  • #16
    George Carlin
    “Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
    George Carlin

  • #17
    Groucho Marx
    “I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.”
    Groucho Marx

  • #18
    Mae West
    “Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.”
    Mae West

  • #19
    Christopher Paolini
    “People have an annoying habit of remembering things they shouldn't.”
    Christopher Paolini, Eragon

  • #20
    Groucho Marx
    “I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.”
    Groucho Marx, Groucho and Me

  • #21
    Brandon Sanderson
    “You see, that is the sad, sorry, terrible thing about sarcasm.

    It's really funny.”
    Brandon Sanderson, Alcatraz Versus the Evil Librarians

  • #22
    Napoléon Bonaparte
    “In politics, stupidity is not a handicap.”
    Napoleon Bonaparte

  • #23
    C.S. Lewis
    “She's the sort of woman who lives for others - you can tell the others by their hunted expression.”
    C.S. Lewis, The Screwtape Letters

  • #24
    Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
    “The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest.”
    Kurt Vonnegut

  • #25
    Groucho Marx
    “Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.”
    Groucho Marx

  • #26
    Dorothy Parker
    “Don't look at me in that tone of voice.”
    Dorothy Parker

  • #27
    Terry Pratchett
    “HUMAN BEINGS MAKE LIFE SO INTERESTING. DO YOU KNOW, THAT IN A UNIVERSE SO FULL OF WONDERS, THEY HAVE MANAGED TO INVENT BOREDOM. (Death)”
    Terry Pratchett, Hogfather

  • #28
    “Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing.”
    Joss Whedon

  • #29
    Chuck Palahniuk
    “Could you hold the chainsaw a bit closer to your mouth, please?”
    Chuck Palahniuk , Invisible Monsters

  • #30
    Steven Wright
    “If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.”
    Steven Wright



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