Nuclear Jellyfish Quotes

“Murder is such a charged word. You know how some people fixate and won't let things go? They're called cops. ”
― Tim Dorsey, Nuclear Jellyfish

“We’re all damaged. It’s a universal component of the human condition, like the stages of grief, deja vu, and expired coupons.”
― Tim Dorsey, Nuclear Jellyfish

“Nature's what it's all about, but our people have been brainwashed into thinking that life is a cell phone against your head and the TV on a beer commercial with hot chicks.”
― Tim Dorsey, Nuclear Jellyfish

“my life’s motto: If you’re not willing to invent cool-sounding bullshit about yourself, don’t expect others to.”
― Tim Dorsey, Nuclear Jellyfish

“First, they set the hook with mind-bending kinky shit. Then a year later you're living in a Talking Heads song, dressed like Teddy Ruxpin, living with a strange woman in a big house full of frilly throw pillows, experiencing the frequency of sex that can only be charted by Halley's Comet. and you're wondering: How did I get here?”
― Tim Dorsey, Nuclear Jellyfish

“Life was invented for kids. But then we all grow up, and society imposes filters that block the joy of silliness and sponging up pointless little things that make childhood the magic time for which it is widely known.”
― Tim Dorsey, Nuclear Jellyfish

“Coleman, there are three—and only three—kinds of people in this world: Those who don’t know they’re damaged and blame others; those who realize they’re damaged and blame others; and then people like you and me, who wear damage like comfortable pajamas.”
― Tim Dorsey, Nuclear Jellyfish

“These rare gray afternoons evoke a sweet, childhood melancholy in my soul, like when it rained in kindergarten and we had to stay inside and do crafts with library paste and pipe cleaners and buttons, and I made the best project in the whole class, an ultra-powerful rubber-band zip gun, but the teacher gave me a zero because I got her in the eye with a button.”
― Tim Dorsey, Nuclear Jellyfish

“I can’t resist free coffee, like when I was at that funeral chapel. I wasn’t really at the chapel, just walking by. The door was open, and so was the casket. People crying. Bunch of folding chairs. Guess it was a viewing. Then I see the big silver coffee urn in back. Next thing I know: ‘What the hell are you doing?’ I say: ‘Drinking free coffee.’ ‘Did you know the deceased?’ ‘Not remotely.’ ‘I want you to leave.’ ‘Right after I get a refill.’ ‘No! Get the fuck out now!’ I said, ‘Have some respect: There’s an old dead guy up there.’ ‘That’s my mother!’ ‘Then you have a refund coming. They did a messed-up job. Of course I didn’t know what she looked like before, so maybe it’s a great job.’ ‘Why you—!’ Then all these guys attacked me. Well, tried to, but they didn’t anticipate my triple-threat martial-arts weapons training. I can handle a folding chair like nunchakus. Except I lost my grip and the thing went flying. I tried to explain that the old woman was already dead so it didn’t matter that the Samsonite hit her in the coffin. Things like that always seem to happen when I drink coffee. It’s weird.”
― Tim Dorsey, Nuclear Jellyfish

“You’ve heard the joke,” said Serge. “White pride is rotating the tires on your house.”
― Tim Dorsey, Nuclear Jellyfish

“we’re way past the turnstiles at that theme park.”
― Tim Dorsey, Nuclear Jellyfish

“Something’s gone horribly wrong in paradise. There used to be an agreement among criminals that we left the most vulnerable alone.”
― Tim Dorsey, Nuclear Jellyfish

“…Most Floridians understand the danger of leaving children or pets in cars with the windows rolled up, where midday temperatures can reach a hundred and fifty degrees or more. But few give a second thought to cheap, throwaway lighters, which are butane under pressure and can easily explode at those temperatures, spraying flammable liquid all over the interior…”
― Tim Dorsey, Nuclear Jellyfish

“Four A.M. “I love driving in the middle of the night! No traffic, the rhythm of the dotted fluorescent centerline, occasional diner with a guy alone in a corner booth, all the traffic lights set to flashing yellow, my heart charged with spiritual ecstasy from the approaching dawn! But the best part is the silence,”
― Tim Dorsey, Nuclear Jellyfish

“Children have it all over adults, possessing magical powers of imagination. Then they grow into cynical tall people. That’s the whole problem with the human race: reverse metamorphosis. We turn from butterflies into caterpillars. The key to keeping your wings is regular exercise of your kindergarten muscles of make-believe.”
― Tim Dorsey, Nuclear Jellyfish

“Forgot to mention,” Serge called after them. “You’re on an advanced strain of St. Augustine called Floratam. Fun fact: got its name when cross-bred in 1972 by a joint research project from the University of Florida and Texas A&M. Get it? Flora-tam. Genetically engineered it to be extra chinch-bug resistant, in case you’re planning on sodding anytime soon.”
― Tim Dorsey, Nuclear Jellyfish

“Florida is a paradox that way, one of the youngest states, yet with some of the oldest European settlements. And this particular section of the northeast shore was home to a couple of the earliest sixteenth-century Spanish and French fortifications.”
― Tim Dorsey, Nuclear Jellyfish

“Pirate’s Cove. The decor was saddles and spurs and branding irons. The sign remained a lasting testimony that pirates don’t sell drinks in north Florida, and cowboys don’t sell enough for a new sign. Swinging”
― Tim Dorsey, Nuclear Jellyfish

“Too many of our state’s native accomplishments are credited elsewhere. First Skynyrd and Alabama, then everyone thinks the Allman Brothers are from Georgia.” “They’re not?” “South Daytona Beach.”
― Tim Dorsey, Nuclear Jellyfish

“I’m not the superstitious type, which is why I don’t like superstitious people. They’re bad luck.”
― Tim Dorsey, Nuclear Jellyfish

“Serge’s definition of total happiness: Florida, a full tank of gas and no appointments.”
― Tim Dorsey, Nuclear Jellyfish

“It’s been said that inside every life is a fascinating book, or at least a chapter. Wrong. Some people don’t have a freakin’ semicolon, like that woman in Delray who blogs everything her cat does, and her cat even has a blog and every word is meow. But you have to play the hand you’re dealt, and I can’t exactly stand on street corners with a megaphone sharing Big Answers on Everything. That was my first choice, but a monkey wrench hit the works: a few itsy-bitsy little incidents.”
― Tim Dorsey, Nuclear Jellyfish