Alcatraz Versus the Evil Librarians Quotes

“You see, that is the sad, sorry, terrible thing about sarcasm.

It's really funny.”
― Brandon Sanderson, Alcatraz Versus the Evil Librarians

“By now, it is probably very late at night, and you have stayed up to read this book when you should have gone to sleep. If this is the case, then I commend you for falling into my trap. It is a writer's greatest pleasure to hear that someone was kept up until the unholy hours of the morning reading one of his books. It goes back to authors being terrible people who delight in the suffering of others. Plus, we get a kickback from the caffeine industry...”
― Brandon Sanderson, Alcatraz Versus the Evil Librarians

“People can do great things. However, there are some things they just CAN'T do. I, for instance, have not been able to transform myself into a Popsicle, despite years of effort.”
― Brandon Sanderson, Alcatraz Versus the Evil Librarians

“Authors also create lovable, friendly characters, then proceed to do terrible things to them, like throw them in unsightly librarian-controlled dungeons. This makes readers feel hurt and worried for the characters. The simple truth is that authors like making people squirm. If this weren't the case, all novels would be filled completely with cute bunnies having birthday parties.”
― Brandon Sanderson, Alcatraz Versus the Evil Librarians

“If you don't believe what I'm telling you, then ask yourself this: would any decent, kind-hearted individual become a writer? Of course not.”
― Brandon Sanderson, Alcatraz Versus the Evil Librarians

“Remember, despite the fact that this book is being sold as a 'fantasy' novel, you must take all of the things it says extremely seriously, as they are quite important, are in no way silly, and always make sense.

Rutabaga.”
― Brandon Sanderson, Alcatraz Versus the Evil Librarians

“So, there I was, tied to an altar made from outdated encyclopedias, about to get sacrificed to the dark powers by a cult of evil Librarians.”
― Brandon Sanderson, Alcatraz Versus the Evil Librarians

“They are presented attractively for the same reason that kittens are cute - so that they can draw you in, then pounce on you for the kill.

Seriously. Stay away from kittens.”
― Brandon Sanderson, Alcatraz Versus the Evil Librarians

“I froze, shocked. (And don't try to claim that you did anything different the first time a government bureaucrat pulled a gun on you.)”
― Brandon Sanderson, Alcatraz Versus the Evil Librarians

“So, when people try to give you some book with a shiny round award on the cover, be kind and gracious, but tell them you don't read "fantasy," because you prefer stories that are real. Then come back here and continue your research on the cult of evil Librarians who secretly rule the world.”
― Brandon Sanderson, Alcatraz Versus the Evil Librarians

“People can do great things. However, there are somethings they just can't do. I, for instance, have not been able to transform myself into a Popsicle, despite years of effort. I could, however, make myself insane, if I wished. (Though if I achieved the second, I might be able to make myself think I'd achieved the first....)
Anyway, if there's a lesson to be learned, it's this: great success often depends on being able to distinguish between the impossible and the improbable. Or, in easier terms, distinguishing between Popsicles and insanity.
Any questions?”
― Brandon Sanderson, Alcatraz Versus the Evil Librarians

“Authors write books for one, and only one, reason: because we like to torture people.”
― Brandon Sanderson, Alcatraz Versus the Evil Librarians

“If you are anything like me --- Clever, fond of goat cheese, and devilishly handsome --- then you have undoubtedly read many books.”
― Brandon Sanderson, Alcatraz Versus the Evil Librarians

“Now, I had been frightened on several different occasions in my life. The most frightening of these involved an elevator and a mime.”
― Brandon Sanderson, Alcatraz Versus the Evil Librarians

“I am a fish.”
― Brandon Sanderson, Alcatraz Versus the Evil Librarians

“The ending of a book is, in my experience, both the best and worst part to read. For the ending will often determine whether you love or hate the book.

Both emotions lead to disappointment. If the ending was good, and the book was worth your time, then you are left annoyed and depressed because there is no more book to read. However, if the ending was bad, then it's too late to stop reading. You're left annoyed and depressed because you wasted so much time on a book with a bad ending.

Therefore, reading is obviously worthless, and you should go spend your time on other, more valuable pursuits.”
― Brandon Sanderson, Alcatraz Versus the Evil Librarians

“Sometimes it was daunting, knowing how easily I could break things. This one simple curse seemed to dominate my entire life.”
― Brandon Sanderson, Alcatraz Versus the Evil Librarians

“Alcatraz actually knows a person named Brandon Sanderson. That man, however, is a fantasy writer and is therefore prone to useless bouts of delusion in literary form.”
― Brandon Sanderson, Alcatraz vs. the Evil Librarians

“You may have noticed that I began my story with a quick, snappy scene of danger and tension – but then quickly moved on to a more boring discussion of my childhood. Well, that’s because I wanted to prove something to you: that I am not a nice person. Would a nice person begin with such an exciting scene, then make you wait almost the entire book to read about it?”
― Brandon Sanderson, Alcatraz Versus the Evil Librarians

“Aspiring Asimovs!”
― Brandon Sanderson, Alcatraz Versus the Evil Librarians

“Sing!" Grandpa Smedry yelled, his voice echoing down a hallway to the right."Sing!" If he breaks into song I think I might have to strangle myself... I thought, cringing.”
― Brandon Sanderson, Alcatraz Versus the Evil Librarians

“Before we get to this, let me explain something about myself. I’ve been many things in my life. Student. Spy. Sacrifice. Potted plant. However, at this point, I’m something completely different from all of those—something more frightening than any of them. I’m a writer.”
― Brandon Sanderson, Alcatraz vs. the Evil Librarians

“I’d like to take this opportunity to point out something important. Should a strange old man of questionable sanity show up at your door – suggesting that he is your grandfather and that you should accompany him upon some quest of mystical import – you should flatly refuse him. Don’t take his candy either.”
― Brandon Sanderson, Alcatraz Versus the Evil Librarians

“Gack!”
― Brandon Sanderson, Alcatraz Versus the Evil Librarians

“Hushlanders, I’d like to take this opportunity to commend you for reading this book. I realize the difficulty you must have gone through to obtain it – after all, no Librarian is likely to recommend it, considering the secrets it exposes about their kind.

Actually, my experience has been that people generally don’t recommend this kind of book at all. It is far too interesting. Perhaps you have had other kinds of books recommended to you. Perhaps, even, you have been given books by friends, parents, or teachers, then told that these books are the type you “have to read.” Those books are invariably described as “important” – which, in my experience, pretty much means that they’re boring. (Words like meaningful and thoughtful are other good clues.) If there is a boy in these kinds of books, he will not go on an adventure to fight against Librarians, paper monsters, and one-eyed Dark Oculators.

In fact, the lad will not go on an adventure or fight against anything at all. Instead, his dog will die. Or, in some cases, his mother will die. If it’s a really meaningful book, both his dog and his mother will die. (Apparently, most writers have something against dogs and mothers.)”
― Brandon Sanderson, Alcatraz Versus the Evil Librarians

“What you haven’t realized before is that all libraries are far more dangerous than you’ve always assumed.”
― Brandon Sanderson, Alcatraz vs. the Evil Librarians

“I was coming to realize something very difficult. I was slowly accepting that the way I did things – the way my people did things – might not actually be the best way.
In other words, I was feeling humility.
I sincerely hope that you never have to feel this emotion. Like asparagus and fish, it’s not really as good for you as everyone says it is. Selfishness, arrogance, and callousness got me much further than humility ever did”
― Brandon Sanderson, Alcatraz Versus the Evil Librarians

“Hey!' I called with an annoyed voice. 'Charles!'
The little Pteradactyl looked up. 'Ah, my good friend!'
'What about the chaos?' I demanded.
'Done!' Charles said.
'We each moved six books out of their proper places,' called George the Stegosaurus. 'It will take them days to find them all and put them back.'
'Though we did put them into place backward,' Charles said. 'You know, so they could be seen more easily. We wouldn't want it to be too hard.'
'Too hard?' I asked, stupefied. 'Charles, these are the people who were going to kill you and bury your bones in an archaeological dig!'
'Well, that's no reason to be uncivilized!' Charles said.”
― Brandon Sanderson, Alcatraz Versus the Evil Librarians

“Some people assume that authors write books because we have vivid imaginations and want to share our vision. Other people assume that authors write because we are bursting with stories, and therefore must scribble those stories down in moments of creative propondidty. Both groups of people are completely wrong. Authors write books for one, and only one, reason: because we like to torture people.”
― Brandon Sanderson, Alcatraz vs. the Evil Librarians

“Don’t be silly,” she said. “Why would elevators be more advanced than stairs? Obviously, stairs take more effort to climb, are harder to construct, and are far more healthy to use. Therefore, they took longer to develop. Don’t you realize how stupid you sound when you claim otherwise?”
― Brandon Sanderson, Alcatraz vs. the Evil Librarians