S.E. Isaac's Blog, page 42

I’m sorry…not really!

I bite my tongue. It’s a known fact. I am a very opinionated person, but I choose to bite my tongue so that I do not slaughter other people’s feelings. Yes, slaughter. My tongue, when not bitten, can be more vicious than any beast you can imagine. Why is my tongue so vicious? It is because society has taught me to bite my tongue, since I was a little girl. It taught me that it was not okay to let the world know how sad I was. It taught me that it was not okay to speak up when something bothered me. It taught me to be a robot. Now I have years and years of built up sadness and anger so when my tongue slips free my words attack. It is not that I want to intentionally hurt anyone with my words. Okay. That’s a lie. Sometimes when someone has crossed my children or family/friends, I have every intention of breaking them with my words. I know, not a grownup thing, but reality. However, my emotions are what they are. Do not try to pry my lips apart, now that I am older, and be shocked or offended when the words release. You asked for it.

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When I am social and smiling, it is because that is what society has taught me. I have been taught to wear a mask. I have been taught to keep it all in and ‘be strong’. This is the reason that I snapped years ago. I lost myself. I lost myself to the emotions that I thought I couldn’t share with the world. They consumed me. So many people are badmouthing Chester from Linkin Park and saying he was a ‘coward’ because he committed suicide. A coward? Are you effin’ kidding me? There is nothing cowardly about hanging yourself, poisoning yourself, slitting your wrists, or blowing your brains out! Nothing. I am not condoning suicide. I have been in a suicidal state of mind. I have been found on a kitchen floor O.D’d. Suicide is a horrible thing to attempt and go through (family, friends, loved ones, etc). Do not talk about how someone should have been stronger. How someone should have asked for help. Do you suffer from depression? I don’t mean, once in a blue moon. I mean, waking up EVERY day and thinking, ‘why the f*ck am I still here?’ or ‘I am such a burden to everyone. I should end it all’. This is what it was most likely like for Chester. How do I know this? Because I walked in his shoes. I was lucky enough to get help after my last failed attempt.

However, I still battle with extreme depression. I battle inner demons by taking medicine (only helps to a certain level), crying, screaming, writing, the works. Because not only was I given depression issues, but I was given a special needs child. Let me tell you, that combination is rough.

Okay, taking a pause….something just pissed me off on Facebook that has the inner psycho bitch in me rattling at her cage. Because of this, I am going to take a step away from the computer and go bite my tongue. (woo-sa)

Hope you all have a wonderful weekend!!! If you need someone to vent to, I’m an excellent listener. I promise.

A bit of twisted me….

(written a while ago)

 

 

Betrayed Trust

 

With one swift movement, the deed was done. The blood only sprayed momentarily, before he fell to the ground. His head severed from his body. The dark red liquid pooled around his corpse. His head was face up towards the sky with his eyes wide. I should have felt remorse, guilt, shame, but not even my stomach churned. He was dead and I felt nothing. I had become empty in the moment right before my blade struck. Now I was all alone in this darkened world called life.

Written a while ago….

Cocooned

 

My wings were stuck

Stuck within the walls

The walls of the cocoon

The cocoon that held me for years.

 

As the years passed,

Passed me by,

I awoke from my slumber.

A slumber with the darkest dreams.

 

There was no warmth

No comfort

No feelings

I was alone

 

Alone to vast in the nothing

The nothing that I was born

The nothing that held me

Held me against its walls

 

Then one day,

One unexpected day.

The cocoon began to open

Ever so lightly

 

It was only a glimpse

But I could finally see the light.

It was bright and marvelous

A feeling of joy swept through me

 

Feelings that I never knew existed

Feelings that swept through me like waves

Waves of warmth, joy, and hope

The end to my darkness

 

As though it wasn’t real

The cocoon slammed shut

Keeping me imprisoned

In the safety and darkness

 

The darkness was my destiny

The light was only a reminder

A reminder of my true life

My life in darkness.

The truth is revealed…

Being a writer is GREAT! Being an author SUCKS! The struggle is real! Being a self-published author is like trying to tie your shoes with mitten on! It can be done, but it’s going to take some time. I know this. It doesn’t make it any better knowing the struggles that authors go through, but at least I am aware of it.

The only part that keeps authors like myself going is the support of our loved ones, family, friends and readers! You guys are our fuel! You guys amp us up to continue doing what we love! ❤ You guys are the reason why I continue to write. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of your support and love! It truly means the world to me!

 

Happy Reading!

S.E.Isaac

 

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The train is still chugging along

Click here to buy “Train to Anguish”

 

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Are you part of the readers, who have taken the adventure with Kaitlyn? If not, it isn’t too late to jump aboard. Train to Anguish is still available on Amazon in both ebook and paperback formats. Why two formats? I, personally, love holding a book and cracking it open for the first time. That new book smell and feel. However, I know that it is 2017 and readers are on the go or just simply don’t want books they’ve read collecting dust on a bookshelf, so that’s why my novel is also available in ebook format.

Let’s get real, people!

Enough bullsh*t! Enough judging! I am sick and tired of tiptoeing around mental illness. I am sick and tired of the stares, the judgments and the expectations of society. Bite me! I am doing the best I can. That’s all I can do. So tired of hearing, “Oh, I’m so sorry you are going through this, but God only gives us as much as we can handle.” I got it; however, it doesn’t exactly help me with the issue at hand. (I’m not knocking anyone’s religion. I am simply saying that parents/guardians/caregivers of special needs children/adults don’t need to hear your ‘pep’ talk. We need you to either step in and help or find us help. We don’t need you to attempt to sprinkle glitter on the situation, because no matter how much glitter you sprinkle it is still a shitty situation. You’re making glittery shit. Congrats!

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You may think you are helping, but you really aren’t. That’s just the truth. That is what thousands of caregivers of special needs children/adults want to say to you. They may even want to tell you to f*ck off or shove it up your ass. I know there have been numerous times that I have wanted to say these things; however, social ‘etiquette’ has kept my mouth shut. Keeping my mouth shut turns me into a ticking time bomb. I never know whether I am going to explode into tears or explode into a full out Hulk tantrum with the F-bomb being dropped on every unexpected victim. My own medication for depression and such only helps me so much with handling life. That’s just reality. No need for me to sugar coat my life and act like I’m mentally stable after dealing with all of the heartache and struggles of raising my son with autism and mood disorder (he makes the hulk look like a fuzzy kitten, when he is having an outburst/tantrum).

My parenting sucks? No, your judgmental bullsh*t sucks. Myself and thousands of other caregivers in my situation are doing our best. There isn’t a magical pill that we can give our child/adult & make them magically become ‘normal’ by society’s definition. If there was one, I’m sure the majority of us would be fighting to get in that line to purchase it. The next time you see someone out in public and they are struggling with their child, don’t just assume that they are bad parents or that their child is a bad ass! Maybe that parent is at their wits end because their child is unable to control their behavior, even on the maximum dose that is allowed for their age & body. I am so sick and tired of seeing these videos and posts about how so-and-so saw a kid cutting up and their parent couldn’t control them. Well, no shit Sherlock. Let me tell you something. When my son is at his worst state of outburst/meltdown, he becomes a damn bull and I’m lucky if it doesn’t take a FEW grown ass adults to hold him down. Hell, I watched him throw four hospital security guards around like they were rag dolls. So don’t give me the bullshit on how I should be able to control my child. Shit, tell his brain, not me. Think you can do a better job? Then take him home with you! I will be sitting in your driveway for when you bring him back outside 2 minutes later.

[image error]“Why don’t you go out and give yourself a break?” That’s another damn thing I am tired of hearing! OMG! If it was that easy, then I would have already done it! Duh! Autism mixed with mood disorder is like making that science experiment in middle school with the baking soda that turns into a volcano. Remember that experiment? You think nothing is going to happen, so let your guard down then BOOM! Shit is everywhere. That is what it is like watching my son. It takes the bravest to handle him, because he is a ticking time bomb, a jack-in-a-box, volcano experiment, shaken soda, etc.

Parents/guardians/caregivers of special needs children/adults, let’s stop holding things in.

You want to cry? Cry. You want to scream? Scream! It’s okay to lose your shit in the middle of Wal-Mart, when you can no longer take the stares. (I don’t recommend violent acts towards others. That means bail money. Very costly.)

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This was me the other day at the NBA Summer Championship game on Monday —->

If you want to go in your room and scream into your pillow, that’s okay too. Even superheroes are allowed to cry, have bad days and be angry.

Recommendation: I have recently joined a few Facebook groups and it is so nice to see what other people are going through (not that I wish it upon them). It is nice to know that I am not alone. You should try joining some groups too. It is nice to vent about my shitty day, my weakest moments, or a good day. It is nice to be me. It is nice to say all of my thoughts out loud and not worry about being judged! It is a breath of fresh air.

If you ever need to vent (even if you don’t have a special needs child/adult in yours life), I am here always! I mean that to everyone! No one should have to feel alone. Everyone should have someone. I’m all for being that person. ❤

 

Happy Reading & Thanks For Listening to Me Vent!

S.E.Isaac

 

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Walk two steps in my shoes…

When you no longer have any more tears left to shed. When you no longer have the strength to breathe. When you no longer have the energy to live. Yet, somehow you continue forward because your children need you. Because you know that failure and giving up is not an option. Because there is no other way but survival. This is what it’s like to be me. My middle son, who is 12 years old, is autistic and diagnosed with mood disorder, which is very similar to oppositional defiance disorder. He is, also, displaying schizophrenia (apparently, this is common for people with autism to develop. I never knew). The word ‘no’ and giving options (even if they are positive choices) is like setting off a bomb. A very nasty bomb. One that causes mass casualties (emotionally and physically). I never know what’s going to set him off. I can assume, but the chances are 50/50.

Yesterday, I made the biggest mistake. Part of his autism & mood disorder is him feeling left out. My oldest son, who is 17 is visiting for the next 3 weeks. I got tickets to the NBA summer championship game for my 3 sons and myself. I knew deep down that this was a horrible idea, but my son with autism begged to go. He didn’t want to be left out. I allowed my guilt to persuade my better judgment. I knew better. I truly knew better.

He did great in the line outside waiting. He was getting impatient, but he hung in there like a trooper. Once inside, he was fine for the first 15 minutes, while we got our drinks. It was straight downhill from there. I was royally embarrassed, drained of all energy both mentally and physically, and I didn’t have the energy to cry. I spent a good portion of the evening apologizing, holding him with my hand over his mouth and holding one of his legs. He was being very unsafe. My oldest and youngest were sitting a level lower than us, since I had to take my son with autism out of that level due to inappropriate behavior. We barely made it to halftime. I really thought security was going to come for us. In fact, deep down, I was hoping that they would. I needed help. My oldest was having fun watching the game with my youngest, so I didn’t want to interrupt his fun. However, as soon as halftime hit, I got his attention and had him help me. I quickly used the restroom, apparently, my oldest had just as much fun as I did dealing with my son with autism. I got him out of the stadium but barely, before all hell broke loose. His behavior was atrocious!!! Las Vegas isn’t exactly known for having super friendly gangsters. Luckily, I don’t back down, especially, when it comes to my children so everyone let his behavior go. (We were fortunate, because my son really did some stuff that would have caused an adult person to get their ass beat up, if they did it.)

Anyway, we spent the rest of the game outside in my van. But that wasn’t before we had encounters with more people on our way out and in the parking lot. The last woman, who was maybe late 20’s, wearing heels and a short dress (She looked like a knock-out), we encountered was stupid understanding. I was on the verge of tears, but didn’t have the strength to cry. I just apologized to her over and over again. She kept telling me that it was okay. Even as she walked halfway across the parking lot, she looked back and saw a distressed me. She yelled back, “It’s okay. I promise!” Even now, I want to cry. Her kindness meant a lot, especially in that very moment.

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Being a parent of a special needs child and a parent of children, who are not special needs, is very challenging. My three sons already have an age gap (7, 12, and 17). It is hard enough to find something that is appropriate and fun for all of them. Hell, food alone is challenging. Throwing special needs into the mix, especially, autism & mood disorder, is like trying to herd cats during a tornado!

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Apparently, having a mental illness means you have to have something ‘wrong’ with your appearance. I guess three noses, five eyes? I’m not sure. Something. My son with autism acts up and everyone automatically thinks I am the world’s shitties parent. Judgment. This is what I go through daily. Every time we go out. I am being judged because of my child and his condition. I knew they say to not let others’ judgments get to you, but it is hard, when their eyes pierce through you. I’m not a bad mother. I know I’m not, but their stares make me feel like one. His actions in public make me feel like one. I can’t control it. I can only extinguish the situation from the public by removing him from around them. This doesn’t stop the ‘situation’. It just stops the situation from involving strangers as casualties. I still have to survive the situation.

The next time you are out and about & see a child having a complete meltdown. Do NOT assume that that child is ‘bad’ or that child ‘needs his/her ass beat’. Us, parents of special needs children, CANNOT beat the disability out of our child or give them a magic pill. Stop fucking judging us. If you think you can do a better fucking job, then by all means take a go. Until then shut the fuck up and take you looks elsewhere. I’ve had it. I am doing the best I can. And, that is all I can do!

 

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(Or any parent going through a rough time with their child/children!!!)

 

Thanks for letting me vent!

 

Happy Reading,

S.E.Isaac

Pool Boy!

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I now see why people have a damn pool boy! Forget about all of the hot sweaty sex that people want with their ‘sexy’ pool boy! This sh*t is ridiculous. Today has been such a shitty day. My husband (my sexy pool boy) usually takes care of the outside of the house and I worry about the inside.

Well, he had to leave due to an emergency so I am stuck with inside and outside the house. The inground pool has decided to shit itself while he is gone! I am so effin’ pissed, it isn’t even funny. First, the pool turned cloudy. I shocked it. Pool turned clear. Second, there are two small leaks bubbling up in our side yard. I turned all of the pool valves to ‘Off’ and it’s still doing it. Third, the multi-port valve handle snapped off. Yay! I didn’t even put any pressure on it. A fly could have landed on it and snapped it off. WTF! Screw to the cover are stripped. Cover now in incorrect position. Screws are REALLY stripped and won’t come out. Well, they will, but I don’t have any time to un-f*ck it, right now. I need to cool off. I am dehydrated, drenched in sweat and have a special package arriving in two hours! Once I pick up the package and things settle, I will remove my glove and go in for the kill! “FINISH HIM!” (I’m calling the multi-port a ‘him’ for now)

 

But it better prepare itself, for real, because I’m ready to seriously blow some sh*t up!

 

 

On a happy note, happy reading!

The Blog Zzzz’s

I try to blog everyday, but man, today, I am just exhausted. My two youngest sons and I ran some errands, which somehow led us to “stank-ass” Petsmart. Like, seriously, it smelled horrible in there. I would have much rather sat in a dumpster. I don’t know what it was but UGH. Anyway, we ended up there looking at the cats & fish, which would happen to be by where the stinkiest smell of the store was coming from. Then we checked out some Pythons, rats, parakeets, guinea pigs. I was disappointed that there weren’t any ferrets and the boys were disappointed that there weren’t any dogs. I explained that the dogs are only there during doggy adoption days. They are now going to sweet talk daddy dearest into us getting a dog now, rather than waiting until the end of this year. So stay tuned for pictures, since I know he is going to cave. He’s a tough love Samoan dad, but deep down, he’s a softy for his boys.

Thank You, Sheila! <3

 

 

 

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I am truly one lucky lady. This picture came to me as a great surprise. I didn’t even know that she had purchased my book! Thank you so much, Sheila! ❤

I would be nowhere without the support of all of you. Thank you for supporting me in my dream!

 

Happy Reading!

S.E.Isaac