I’m sorry…not really!

I bite my tongue. It’s a known fact. I am a very opinionated person, but I choose to bite my tongue so that I do not slaughter other people’s feelings. Yes, slaughter. My tongue, when not bitten, can be more vicious than any beast you can imagine. Why is my tongue so vicious? It is because society has taught me to bite my tongue, since I was a little girl. It taught me that it was not okay to let the world know how sad I was. It taught me that it was not okay to speak up when something bothered me. It taught me to be a robot. Now I have years and years of built up sadness and anger so when my tongue slips free my words attack. It is not that I want to intentionally hurt anyone with my words. Okay. That’s a lie. Sometimes when someone has crossed my children or family/friends, I have every intention of breaking them with my words. I know, not a grownup thing, but reality. However, my emotions are what they are. Do not try to pry my lips apart, now that I am older, and be shocked or offended when the words release. You asked for it.

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When I am social and smiling, it is because that is what society has taught me. I have been taught to wear a mask. I have been taught to keep it all in and ‘be strong’. This is the reason that I snapped years ago. I lost myself. I lost myself to the emotions that I thought I couldn’t share with the world. They consumed me. So many people are badmouthing Chester from Linkin Park and saying he was a ‘coward’ because he committed suicide. A coward? Are you effin’ kidding me? There is nothing cowardly about hanging yourself, poisoning yourself, slitting your wrists, or blowing your brains out! Nothing. I am not condoning suicide. I have been in a suicidal state of mind. I have been found on a kitchen floor O.D’d. Suicide is a horrible thing to attempt and go through (family, friends, loved ones, etc). Do not talk about how someone should have been stronger. How someone should have asked for help. Do you suffer from depression? I don’t mean, once in a blue moon. I mean, waking up EVERY day and thinking, ‘why the f*ck am I still here?’ or ‘I am such a burden to everyone. I should end it all’. This is what it was most likely like for Chester. How do I know this? Because I walked in his shoes. I was lucky enough to get help after my last failed attempt.

However, I still battle with extreme depression. I battle inner demons by taking medicine (only helps to a certain level), crying, screaming, writing, the works. Because not only was I given depression issues, but I was given a special needs child. Let me tell you, that combination is rough.

Okay, taking a pause….something just pissed me off on Facebook that has the inner psycho bitch in me rattling at her cage. Because of this, I am going to take a step away from the computer and go bite my tongue. (woo-sa)

Hope you all have a wonderful weekend!!! If you need someone to vent to, I’m an excellent listener. I promise.