S.R. Crawford's Blog, page 49

Feeling the Fear (podcast)

It’s Halloween this week so let’s talk about fear! I wanted to be honest about my own fears, alongside talking about how fear shows up in our lives, the truth about fear, and how to feel the fear but do the thing anyway…

Click to play!

https://srcrawfordauthor.files.wordpress.com/2019/10/feeling-the-fear.mp3

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Think About It: You Don’t Have to Lighten The Mood

Our society’s fear of truth and pain and realness and emotions and depth divides us. It separates us and says “you feel your bad feelings and I’ll lighten the mood because I’m afraid of feeling it with you.” It denies empathy and keeps things at an arm’s length.

This is why I hate it.

If I’m opening up to you, and you’re allowing me to do so and I feel safe to do so, don’t then turn around and suddenly back out. Don’t now say that you can’t handle it, and so you’re going to lighten the mood with jokes or a change in conversation.

Worse still, don’t assume that I want or need you to. If I’m expressing something hard, it’s probably because I need to do so. It needs to come out and I feel safe doing so. You making a joke or shifting the tone doesn’t then help me at all. It just glosses over the situation or the feeling and leaves me feeling either misunderstood, rejected, denied, shunned, belittled or alone.

Of course, we can’t and shouldn’t aim to “fix” things for other people. It’s not our job to take the pain away or even allow someone else’s pain to become our own. That’s not fair or right to ask for.

But don’t push me away either.

Allow the mood to be as heavy or dark as is warranted for the situation. That’s real life. Some things are heavy and hard to handle, that doesn’t mean you should run or worse, run and leave me to deal with it alone.

Instead:

Ask if there’s anything you can do
Listen and let me speak
Comfort me
Ask if there’s anything I need
Say, “I know this is hard for you, and I’m here to support you through this“
Be compassionate
Don’t assume anything
Practice empathy

So, rant over! I just want more people to embrace negative emotions and uncomfortable conversations. Think about it, if it’s uncomfortable for you to hear and be in these emotions, then it’s twice as bad for the person speaking and feeling these things.

You trying to lighten the mood isn’t kind or fair for someone you’re supposed to care about.

 

Life’s Contradictions: How to Deal with Many Truths

I believe a lot of things can sometimes contradict one another. That two things can be true at once but seemingly cancel one another out. The reason for this is because, well, life is complex…

Think about it, many things in life are considered both bad and good. Or are good with pieces of bad; or bad with pieces of good.

Think about your goals; they both scare and excite you. Think about love; it’s both amazing and easy while being scary and hard. Crying can be good or bad, depending on the situation. Sadness, fear, anger are all complex emotions with negative connotations that have some good laced within.

Many of the things that are real, important, deep or true will come with complications, complexities, and contradictions.

Let me explain…

 

Different circumstances

There may be times in life when one thing is true, and then situations where the complete opposite is true. (I worry about anyone who holds onto one idea and tries to make it fit into every single situation.)

Take for example popular phrases, like, “You have to fight for what you want no matter what“ and “If something doesn’t work then it wasn’t meant for you.”

They are both true. But it depends on the situation.

If you’ve tried the same thing a million and one times and it’s still not working for you, then the advice that you need at that moment might not be “keep fighting” but instead to try another path or “it wasn’t meant for you.”

However, if you’ve only tried something once, then, of course, you wouldn’t say to your friend “it wasn’t meant for you” you’d instead say, “fight for what you want!”

See what I mean?

Both phrases are true and important and great advice, but it depends on the situation, the nuances, to determine which is needed at that moment.

 

Balance

In order to have a balanced life (which is my passion and my focus for my life), you can’t be too this or that. Too much over here and not enough over there. Too one-sided.

You need a balance between working hard and resting.

Between thinking and doing.

Between running and walking.

I believe in a happy middle. Others may not, but I do. I think peace and happiness are found there. And so, this can sometimes seem like a contradiction. Like you believe in many things at once that go against one another. When in actual fact, it’s just about balance.

Push and pull; Yin and Yang.

So, I believe in working hard but I also strongly believe in play and rest. Both can be true; again, it depends on the situation, the person, and the need at that time. And for me, happiness is found in a balance.

*I believe that balance is determined by the individual, though; it’s not usually a perfect middle ground.*

 

Different people

As I say, different people will have things that are real and true for them. This has been a lesson pushed on me many times when I’ve struggled to understand why a person doesn’t see my point of view. Of course, I know this is because we all see the world differently.

We have different motivations, needs, wants, fear, passions, and whatever else.

So, what someone “needs to do” could be completely the opposite to what you “need to do” and that’s ok. Knowing this should bring us comfort. It means we needn’t worry too much about what others are doing.

For your friend, she may need to run 5 times a week to feel healthy and happy. You may only run 2 times a week or not run at all and instead hit the gym. Neither of you is right or wrong in what you believe to be important/needed. (Of course, doctors recommend certain things for health but it’s generally down to the individual to find what works for them and their needs.)

If anything, you’re both right, and both wrong. The important part is doing what is right for you (as long as you’re not ignoring your true needs).

 

Summary

I just really want to drive home the point that many things can be true at once. I think due to our educational system we can become a little obsessed with what’s “right” because in school and tests there were right and wrong answers. But in life, in the real world with real people, things are much more complex.

There may be no right answer; there may be many right answers.

 

So, that’s my philosophical thought for the day!

If you’re like me and you can sometimes doubt yourself or feel low in confidence, then remember that just because someone has a different idea or belief or way of doing things, it doesn’t mean that your way is wrong. Both can exist happily together, and the more of us who realise this, the fewer arguments and more harmonious living we can all do!

 

Peace out!

How to Live Your Best Life in Your 20s (video)

We’re all just trying to live our best life, and as someone in my 20s, I feel a lot of pressure from all angles to live the very best way I can.

Here are my thoughts about how to live your best life in your 20s…

Click to play!

 

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Think About It: When Was The Last Time You Were Truly Happy In Life?

When was the last time you were truly happy and content with life?

For me, it was when I was 16-18 years old, doing the International Baccalaureate (college/ A-level equivalent) at school.

That was 6 years ago.

Why? I think it’s because of the following…

 

Friendships

In senior school, I wasn’t fully myself. I was friends with a group of people who were nice and fun and everything but didn’t suit my personality. I sort of lived in the shadow of a friend from primary school, and I did what she said and was friends with whoever she was friends with.

It was only in Year 10 that I finally plucked up the courage to move on from her and make my own friends. By this time, it was too late. The nerdy friendship group I joined, who were much more suited to my personality, was already fully formed. I felt happier with them, but still (at times) on the outside looking in on a formed family.

But during the I.B. college days, I had the right friends. I had “The Boys” who were my nerdy gang from before. “The Girls” who were the remnants of my time with the non-nerds (I say all this out of love!) and my new little group with fellow Black and Mixed Race girls. (Only POC people will understand how great it feels and how important it is to know and befriend people who share racial experiences with you).

And so, I was happy. I had multiple groups and parts of myself and happiness and I was just myself without hiding or fearing like I did before.

 

Multiple interests

The International Baccalaureate allows you to study 6 subjects (3 chosen, 3 mandatory). I choose Japanese, Film Studies, and Psychology and had to study Maths, English and a Science.

Having these many things to study was amazing for me. I’m someone who’s interested in many things, and so having so many different things to study kept me happy and balanced.

I miss my Japanese and Film lessons so much!

 

Skills & learning

Of course, this was the last time that I was learning so much and actually enjoying it. I did a year of university, but I wasn’t happy there. So, the I.B. was the last time I was learning new things and new skills while loving the process.

 

Routine

Having a schedule kept me structured and productive. I like routines that work. And I think this was the last time that I was in a routine that I actually loved. We had free time to hang out and go to McDonald’s, while studying great subjects. It was balanced and it truly worked.

 

Confidence & certainty

This was the last time I was sure of myself and my life. I was sure I had the right friends. That I had the ability to learn what I was learning. That I was doing the right things with my life. That I was on the right path to success in life.

Since then, I’ve not been confident or sure about my choices or my life at all. And that’s sad. I know we can’t always be sure, but it’s a very nice feeling to know (at least partly) that you’re doing what you’re supposed to be doing and enjoying it.

Plus, I was writing happily while studying and felt immense sharing my work with my friends.

I haven’t felt that way, truly, for 6 years. This has been eye-opening for me and gave me food for thought.

 

So, ask yourself, are you genuinely happy and content with your life right now? If not, when was the last time you were? What about that time in your life worked so well and made you feel good? Is there something you can do to implement what you had or did back then into your life now to feel that happiness once more?

We can’t return to the past, of course. We shouldn’t aim to. But we can learn from it and use it as a guide or a tool for improving the now.

Good luck x

 

*Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been happy since then! But I mean happy and content in a larger sense. An overall feeling of satisfaction, comfort, joy, and fulfilment. To not feel like something is missing or wrong.*

The Power of the Shift (Podcast)

There’s only thing thing that is certain in life: change is inevitable. Whatever your circumstances, whatever your mood, things will one day shift. They will shift many times, in fact…

Click to play!

https://srcrawfordauthor.files.wordpress.com/2019/10/the-power-of-the-shift.mp3

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Think About It: What Could You Do to Make Yourself Miserable?

This is coming from a video I watched of Muchelle B on YouTube. She talked about a journal prompt where you detail what you could do to make yourself miserable in a year’s time. What you could do to make yourself anxious and sad!

And I liked that idea.

It’s a way of seeing what your worst nightmare is. It’s a way of then working through it. And it’s a way of seeing what you don’t want, thus highlighting what you need to avoid and do instead.

Sometimes we struggle to define what we want in life, so perhaps it’s useful to get clear on the opposite: what we definitely don’t want.

It should help you with:

Priorities
Values
Emotions
Fears
Goals

So, take this as your thought for the day or journal prompt to do.

What could you do to make sure that your life was everything you hated? What could you do to be your worst self? What would your day look like if you were utterly miserable? What got you there? Who is there? What are you doing or not doing?

And then, make sure you do the opposite! Don’t let this become your reality, so make a change or decide against that image.

 

How to Stop Being Tired All The Time

Aside from getting more sleep (getting the right amount), here are some ideas from me on what might be making you feel tired all the time and the fixes you can make to feel like you have more energy.

 

Environment

It is important to take note of your surroundings as they may be making you feel low in energy each day. Not stimulating, poor lighting, or drab environments can make you feel tired.

It can be hard to feel invigorated while having to bear the same four walls every day. Of course, some people have offices and so naturally they can’t just up and leave. But you can spice up your space; you could ensure you’re not going from home to work exclusively each day and instead mix it up by going to other places and doing other things, too.

If the lighting or temperature or something is off, tell your boss. They might be able to help you but you won’t know unless you ask.

 

Work

Is the work you’re doing the problem? Are you not challenging yourself enough? Just mundane tasks, boring people, or the like? Is there something you could do about it?

Your work usually takes up most of your time, so ensure that it is stimulating enough for you, otherwise, you’re bound to feel tired all the time.

High levels of stress can also cause fatigue, so find that balance!

 

Food

Food isn’t just for hunger, it’s for energy and health. Eating the wrong foods means you could be setting yourself up to feel tired all day. You need vitamins and minerals in your diet to ensure that your body and mind are working at their best. If not, your body and mind can feel tired (among other things).

 

Hydration

Just like food, water plays a key role in our tiredness levels and energy. You need to stay appropriately hydrated throughout the day to ensure that you don’t feel exhausted and drained of energy.

The basic recommendation for water is 2 litres a day. However, you will need to adapt this to your personal needs and lifestyle. If you’re on the go a lot, being very active, you may need a lot more.

 

Too comfortable

I sometimes make the mistake of working from my bed when I work from home. Naturally, being super comfy in the place where I sleep is not the optimal environment for enthused work ethic! Instead, I feel sleepy or unmotivated and just want to chill.

Be comfortable in your day, but be careful that you’re not so comfortable that you feel ready to sleep! Find that balance.

 

Sunlight

One of the reasons why some people feel tired and low on energy in the winter months is because of the lack of sunlight. We all need the sun and appropriate lighting to feel awake and maintain a healthy body clock. If you aren’t getting out in the sun, or you have a windowless space, or the lighting is poor, this could be why you feel tired all the time.

Get some vitamin D through sunlight as much as you can, even in the winter months.

 

Activity

Sitting around all day every day is not what we humans should be doing. We’re social, active animals who need to move around for health and happiness. If you’re feeling tired all the time, it might be due to too much inactivity.

Again, I get it; in this day and age many of us are working from offices 9 to 5, but that doesn’t mean you can’t weave activity into your day.

Go on walks at breaktime
Walk to work, cycle to work, take the stairs
Exercise before or after work
Stand up and stretch every hour
Get a hobby or do a sport in the evenings and weekends
Use your weekends for doing things, not just rest and watching Netflix!

 

Self

It’s important to know yourself. What brings you joy? What makes you feel excited, awake, alive? We’re not all the same and so the same things won’t always interest us or keep us feeling energised. This is why you need to know yourself personally.

Introverts generally lose energy from crowds or highly stimulating environments. They gain energy from things like introspection, focused tasks and time alone.

Extroverts will be energised by people and activity, and feel less energy with slower tasks or alone time.

This is just one consideration that could be contributing to your tiredness on a personal level. Consider what might be affecting your day personally.

 

If you’re tired all the time, consider the things on this list and make adjustments where needed to feel more energised.

Good luck!

 

You Are in Control of Your Feelings (Video)

Hear me out: you are in control of your feelings! Not other people, not your circumstances, YOU!

Here’s what I mean…

Click to play!

 

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How to Cope With Unemployment

Aside from looking for work, here is what you can do while you’re unemployed to keep your spirits up and not waste your days.

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Work out

This is a great time to develop your physical health. You have the time and space to exercise and progress with a goal to lose weight or tone up or feel stronger and fitter in general.

Yes, you don’t have the money (I assume) for a gym membership, but there are plenty of ways to work out without the gym or a trainer.

Jog
Power Walk
Circuits at home
Nike Training app
Other work out apps
YouTube tutorials
Bike

 

Get creative

Use this time to channel your inner artist! Whatever way you like to self-express, this is the time to work on your craft. If you have no idea what to do, try something new! Getting creative is a great way to see progress and accomplish things each day. Having my writing to do has always helped me stay afloat when unemployed.

Write (blog, poetry, short stories, novels, articles, interviews, social media posts etc)
Draw
Collages or scrapbooks
Photography
Painting
Interior Design
Upcycling
Fashion Design
YouTube videos and films

 

Volunteer

If you’re struggling to find work, you might as well volunteer your time to work or help out elsewhere. This could be for a charity, too, which helps you to give back and do something worthwhile for a greater cause.

Not only will volunteering help you to keep busy and productive, it will also give you skills and work experience that could increase your chances of being employed.

 

Research careers

Take this time to look deep within and do your research. What do you actually want to do with your life? The big, scary question, I know, but a good one to ask yourself if you’re in the right headspace to do so.

In this time, you could look into all kinds of careers and jobs that you may not have considered before. Then, you just might find an interesting new path to take in life.

Check out National Careers Services for more.

 

Read

Reading is always a good idea! I always say, “when in doubt, read” because I think that no matter how we feel or where we’re at in life, reading will always be a safe space. Plus, the bonus is that you get to be productive, learn new things, and be entertained all at once! Score!

 

Learn

If you’ve got nothing else to do, you might as well teach yourself something new! There are plenty of free resources out there for you to use to teach yourself more about, well,  anything! And of course, you just might teach yourself a new skill that could help you get employed.

Library
Museums
YouTube
Workshops
Community centres
Google!
Blogs
Speaking to people/experts
Reading
Online courses

 

Wake up, get dressed

It’s important that while you’re unemployed, you don’t get into the easy habit of staying in bed and not getting dressed. Trust me, it’s only a fast-track to depression. Instead, no matter what you have planned (or not) for the day, get up at a reasonable time and get washed and dressed.

Take care of your hygiene and appearance then you will feel much better about yourself and want to do something with your day.

 

Get out the house

And lastly, don’t fall into the trap of staying home all day every day. There is a whole world out there and even you (as an unemployed person) is worthy and able to experience it. So, get outside!

Go for a walk
Visit friends or family
Work, write, read, learn (whatever) from the public library
Sit in nature
Chat with a stranger

We all need nature, fresh air and sunshine to feel healthy and happy, so make it a priority in this time of your life.

 

Unemployment can really suck. I’ve been there before and I’m sort of in that right now, to be honest. The important thing is to be productive as much as you can to keep your hopes up and not treat this as a lull in your life. Instead, it’s a part of your life to be used wisely just like any other.

Good luck x