Greg Marcus's Blog, page 3

Is It Worth Losing a Friend Over the Truth? A Mussar Perspective

“I don’t want to be outed,” he said to me. “If they knew the truth, I don’t know if our friendship could survive it.”

Growing up, being outed generally referred to someone’s sexual identity being revealed against their wishes. And indeed, this is still an issue today. I very much would not want someone to lose their job, a friend, or family member because they were not accepted because of their sexual orientation.

In this case, the person was not hiding his sexuality. He is hiding his political and social views. He are a Republican and conservative in this very liberal SF Bay area.

As we focus on the soul trait of Truth for a second week in Jewish Wisdom For Coping for a Pandemic, we are challenged by our current reality that people within our community have very different ideas of what is True, and the values that they live by. I am currently in a training by the organization “Resetting the Table,” to learn how to facilitate conversations between people who have very different ideas about important issues like climate change, politics, and covid. All of these are near and dear to me, and my progressive point of view is not a secret. Yet at the same time, it is foundational for me to stay in community with people I disagree with.

During the Omicron surge, someone made a comment that both covid cases and deaths were coming down. I knew this was not correct, but decided not to get into it with them because I thought the relationship was more important than arguing with someone whose mind was not going to change. This was really hard for me to do.

I don’t want people in my community to be afraid to be who they are, even when I find their beliefs objectionable. We can and must stay in conversation and community. Truth is learning to see the Truth from another’s perspective, as it says “Execute the judgment of truth.”- Zachariah 8:16. Moreover, it is permissible to deviate from the Truth for the purpose of peace.

What do you think? When should we prioritize a relationship over the truth. As always, I answer every comment.

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A Mussar Approach to the Congregation Beth Israel Hostage Situation

Help Congregation Beth Israel get back on its feet

Like all of us, I am shocked and disturbed at the hostage situation at Congregation Beth Israel in Colleyville, Texas. I am moved by the Facebook post in which Rabbi Cytron Walker expressed his gratitude. And I too am grateful that he and the others are alive.

From a Mussar perspective, we can and must do more than sending our love and prayers to our siblings in Texas. Our job is to support one another in concrete ways, or as Rabbi Ira Stone reminds us, to “bear the burden of the other.” And support for our fellow Jews is a bedrock value of the Jewish community. So how can we concretely support Congregation Beth Israel and Rabbi Cytron-Walker? Each of us, as individuals, has a responsibility to act. Here are five mussar traits we can practice to help us:

Practice Generosity by donating money to Congregation Beth Israel.

Rabbi Cytron-Walker, the other hostages, and their whole have been through a terrible trauma that will have lasting effects. Money will help pay for therapists and experts to help them through. Moreover, there may be physical repairs, upgrades to security, and food to send to people too upset to cook. You can join me and make a donation by clicking here.

Practice Compassion by writing a letter or sending a card

If you are feeling helpless or would like to do more, send a short note or letter to the Rabbi or Congregation Beth Israel. If your kids are scared, help them feel empowered by making a card or drawing for the Rabbi and community. Fellow Rabbinical student and child psychologist Dr. Jody Kussen said “This is a beautiful, healthy, idea – for any age.”

I have a vision of that scene from the movie Miracle on 34th street when bags and bags of mail show up in the courtroom. We can let them plaster their walls with children’s drawings from around the world.

Rabbi Charlie Cytron-Walker
Congregation Beth Israel
6100 Pleasant Run Road
Colleyville, Texas 76034

Practice Alacrity by posting on their Facebook page

I wrote a note on the Congregation Beth Israel page letting them know they are loved and supported. Alacrity meets to act now. Is is something all of us can do. Just click here to get started. 

Practice Silence by speaking up

Remember that Silence governs when to talk, and when not to talk. This is a time to let your friends know you are hurting, and how we are always a little on guard in Jewish spaces. For example, you can share this poem by Beth Rader. 

I also agree with Rabbi Jeff Salkin that we should not let anyone tell us this was not an anti-Semitic attack. Of course it was – he took hostages in a synagogue on Shabbat. He could have gone to a day care center or grocery store; he choose to target us.

Practice “Gratitude And”

There is much to be grateful for in this situation, as many have said. Gratitude is important and essential for Jewish living. But we don’t want to let Gratitude become a means of spiritually bypassing the real pain and horror caused by the desecration of Shabbat by a hostage taker.

It is ok to feel angry, afraid, confused, sad… Don’t jump to gratitude as a way to try to make those feelings go away in yourself or others. We need space for the negative feelings. Gratitude can help us cope, and provide us energy to be there for those who need us.

What else can we do to support Rabbi Charlie Cytron-Walker and Congregation Beth Israel? How can we help them bear their burden? Please respond in comments – as always I’ll answer every one.

The post A Mussar Approach to the Congregation Beth Israel Hostage Situation appeared first on American Mussar.

Don’t Let Your Spirits Be Crushed in 2022

Feeling the weight of the world? Ask for help

As I sat down to write, I wondered: “What I could say to wrap up 2021, and provide some guidance as we approach 2022? Covid is once again exploding, and I find myself at a bit of a loss.”

Last week in “Jewish Wisdom for Coping with a Pandemic,” I asked people to share how they were coping. It was nice to both share where I am, and to hear how we all are doing. You can see a video recording here. Overall people are doing ok, but some like me are struggling to some degree.

I had an intuition to look to the Torah for inspiration, so I opened the Mussar Torah Commentary, edited by Rabbi Barry Block, and read this week’s chapter, written by Rabbi Joshua Mikutis. Rabbi Mikutis highlights that the part of the story where the people did not listen to Moses because “their spirits were crushed by cruel bondage.” (Exodus 6:9). AHHHH – that phrase resonated with me. While my spirits are not exactly crushed, I am feeling a bit fatalistic about the Omicron surge. I read on.

In the story, Moses’ initial efforts to bring liberation did not start well – Pharaoh answered his first request with scorn and further oppression The Israelites now had to make bricks without straw, and some were mad at Moses. When Moses turned to God for help, help was provided in the form of his brother Aaron who spoke for him. Whether or not you would turn to the Divinity, the principle remains – it is critical to ask for help. With Aaron’s assistance, Moses carried on with his work, and ultimately our people were freed.

The pandemic is a long haul struggle. As we head into 2022, we have choices. We can allow ourselves to be crushed by the unfairness and unpredictability of the pandemic, or we can reach out to others to help us get through. And, we should not underestimate the mental health toll of this continued stress and isolation. The pandemic gives us opportunities for both self care, and to be there for others.

I can acknowledge the feelings of loss, without getting buried by worry. And most importantly, I will be turning to the people in my life, and to my spiritual practice, to help me get through. Because at the end of the day, it is about carrying on. We still get only one life, and I’d like to make this one the best I can.

I’m curious, is there a role for spirituality in your life, and is it helping you cope with the pandemic? Please reply and let me know. As always, I’ll answer every comment. 

Jewish Wisdom for Coping with a Pandemic is a drop in group that meets every Thursday at 4 Pacific. You can sign up for our email list to get notices, or check out previous meetings on Youtube.

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Practice Mussar Order To Change a Bad Habit

Let there be light: The first step in creation

Recently, I taught a class where we discussed how to participate in the traditional Elul practice of preparing the the High Holy Days. I asked everyone to think of something they want to change about themselves.

One person shared that they are always late, and really want to change. It was clear from the sadness on their face that being late was painful to them, since they knew the impact it had on other people. With their permission, I suggested a practice to help change their persistent bad habit. The soul trait to practice is Order.

Order is one of the most powerful soul traits. The Hebrew is Seder, as in the Passover Seder. On Passover we use a guide book to help us recreate the experience again and again each year. Here is how each of us can practice Order to change a bad habit.

**************** Here’s a way to Practice Mussar Order ****************Pick one habit you’d like to change. We’ll use being on time as an exampleChoose one example of this habit, and focus on changing only that. In our example, you would pick one upcoming meeting to be on time for. Don’t try to be on time for everything, just try to be on time for one meeting one time.Put that meeting on the calendar, and write down of everything you need to do in order to be on time. Put those things on the calendar too.Continue to focus only on future instances of this meeting, using the same process until you are regularly on time for it.Pick a second circumstance you’d like to be on time for, and use the same process

For example, first focus on being on time for a weekly zoom class. Don’t worry about being on time for other things yet. After a few successes, you’ll use the same process to be on time for your Friday lunch with a friend. Lasting change happens slowly.
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What is spiritual about setting a goal, and a list of steps? Has this post devolved into self-help tips?

Think of the creation story in the book of Genesis. The first day there was light, the second sky, the third dry land followed by plants. We are shown an example of an orderly creation of everything. The Divine did not create plants before there was light. In fact, one Jewish teaching says that Torah existed before the creation, and was used as a blueprint for the universe. While I don’t believe that literally, The Torah as blueprint is a powerful metaphor illustrating how important planning is, and how creating Order is a holy activity.

Like all soul traits, Order exists on a spectrum. You may be disorganized like I am, or you may plan so much that it is hard to be spontaneous. There are no right or wrong answers, but there is a right approach, which is to be mindful, and seek to grow.

Mussar gives us the gift of bringing spiritual awareness to “ordinary” moments in everyday life.

How does Order show up for you? What is one habit that you can change by practicing Order?

Please comment below – I’ll answer every one.

Image by Tim Sullivan Sullny Photos

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Three Mussar Practices To Get Rid of Mom’s Stuff

My Mother’s Jewelry

My mother died on May 9, 2020 of Covid. Although she lived on the other side of the country, we were close, speaking several times a week. She was my spiritual mentor, and constant supporter. I was not able to travel home to visit her grave or take care of her things until over a year later. It was not easy to get rid of mom’s stuff.

This week marked an important milestone, when I had to dispose of her jewelry. After my wife and daughters picked what they wanted, there was a lot left. Mom loved to dress well, and loved her jewlery. After we are gone, most of the things we leave behind have no owner, and no purpose. The thought made me sad. I had no attachment to these things of hers. I felt bad getting rid of them, but keeping all this stuff didn’t seem like the right thing to do either. Three Mussar practices helped me get rid of moms stuff.

Mussar Practice 1: Honor

The Ten Commandments teaches that we should Honor our parents. But it does not say that we need to Honor their things. As important as these things were to my mom, I don’t need to keep them just because they liked them. At the same time, I would not be honoring her memory to just throw them away, or to have them cluttering my house. In fact, it would be giving her too much Honor to keep something I do not like. 

Mussar Practice 2 Gratitude

Decluttering expert Marie Kondo teaches that when something does not spark joy for us, we should thank it for its service, and give it away.  And in that sense, I am immensely grateful to my moms jewelry for giving her so much joy over the years. That was her joy, and not mine. The best way I could honor her memory is to find someone else who would wear and love her things. I lovingly packed her jewelry back into its box, put my hands on top of it, and thanked it for all the joy it brought her.

Mussar Practice 3: Generosity

Alan Morinis describes generosity as “a movement of the soul that erupts when you are pierced by the recognition of your direct connection to another soul.” When donating moms jewelry collection, I tried to do so wholeheartedly, imagining someone finding a necklace and bracelet that they absolutely loved. While I will never meet this person, we will still be connected. 

Elaine Marcus, fashonista till the end

Nothing can replace the people we’ve lost. Judaism provides a good structure for grief, but as far as I know there are no direct teachings on what to do with your parents stuff. 

I hope these three Mussar practices are helpful to you in your own grief journey.

How did you approach this issue? Let me know below. I answer every comment. 

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Jews and Asians Were Both Shocked By Atlanta

Whether or not we speak up is a choice point.

Last week I asked an Asian friend of mine how she was after the racist killings in Atlanta. She was in shock. “I never thought I had to join a Facebook group to stop racism against Asians because I thought the racism against black Americans was a much bigger problem. But just week an Asian woman was attacked in San Francisco, and a car stopped to yell at me because I was walking on the wrong side of the road. It felt racially motivated.”

I was reminded of the story of Leo Frank, a prominent member of the Atlanta Jewish community, who was convicted of murdering a 13 year old girl who worked in his factory. The evidence was more than flimsy. The papers ran inflammatory anti-Jewish rhetoric. After the Governor commuted his sentence from death to life imprisonment, a mob broke into a hospital where he was recovering from an assault, and lynched Mr. Frank. (You can see a horrible picture of his body on the link above), It was a terrible shock to the Atlanta Jewish community, who had thought themselves fully accepted. “After Frank’s lynching, Jews who had lived in Atlanta since its founding felt their sense of security was destroyed.“I really felt for my friend, her sense of shock that she too could be targeted. I think she is feeling what members of the Atlanta Jewish community 100 years ago after Leo Frank’s lynching. White supremacy destroys lives, and it is trying to destroy our sense of safety and community. Jews and Asians, people of color and allies live with this reality.All of this brings us to the topic of this week’s Jewish Wisdom Gathering: The Choice Point. A choice point is an opportunity to exercise free will, to choose in the direction of doing good, or doing not good. When it comes to the anti-Asian racism, we have two choices. We can take action, or we can ignore it.Doing nothing is the status quo – we may feel bad about what happened, but we have bigger fish to fry. Perhaps you feel that now is a time to circle the wagons, and take care of our fellow Jews or just our family. This is not the Mussar way, and it is not the Jewish way. We are instructed to proactively look for opportunities to create a just world. But what to do? The size of the problem is overwhelming.Here are a few simple choices you can make to support the Asian community or to be an anti-racist:Reach out to Asian friends or acquaintances. A simple text saying “I”m thinking of you with all the racism directed as Asians going on. How are you doing?” I can’t begin to tell you how appreciative my friend was that I asked last week. This option has the added bonus of building relationships and communityDon’t be silent if someone talks about how sexy or exotic Asian women are. That stereotype helps perpetuate violence against Asian women.Raise up stories about Asian Jews.  Here  are six examples from the Jews of Color Initiative.What choice will you make? Do you agree with the comparison I’ve made? I’d love to hear your thoughts.Join us for Jewish Wisdom For Coping with a Pandemic each Thursday at 4 Pacific time for free on Zoom. Please sign up to get the password.Photo by Jason Leung on Unsplash

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I Woke Up and Thought “I’ve lost my faith.” Mussar helped me recover it

I woke up and thought “I’ve lost my faith.”

It was a few days after the January 6th insurrection, and I just felt useless. So many people I know seem to think it was ok, or not a big deal. A minority, but enough to shake me.

I didn’t even realize I had faith until it was gone. What a lonely and alienating feeling. 

Not all of us have faith in the Divine, yet I hope we all have faith in something that makes us secure. As you’ll see below, this type of faith is the soul trait of Trustworthiness, which is what we explored in this meeting of Jewish Wisdom For Coping with a Pandemic. In the meeting, I shared the amazing experience I had just a few hours later that helped get me back on track. You can see for yourself in the video I shared.

Sometimes it takes just a little reminder to help us find ourselves, and sometimes we need help. I reached out to my friend and sometimes mentor Rabbi David Jaffe. He asked, “What do you need to focus on for your journey? Once you know that, you can share with your community from a place of authenticity.” He helped me focus on the soul traits of Trustworthiness and Anger for this weeks teaching.

It was a truly special gathering, which is why I am devoting a blog post to it. We covered:

What I saw in the Institute For Jewish Spirituality Daily Sit that helped me recover my faithThe connection of growing seeds to trustworthiness A secret teaching: when everyone was in break out groups, I shared an analogy about having a firm tent peg in the ground, a peg that was loosened for all of us on the January 6th insurrectionPeople shared the prayers they wrote inspired by a poem by Rabbi Pam Wax.

Yes, I woke up and thought, “I’ve lost my faith.” I’m so thankful for the American Mussar community that helped me process this experience.

You are heartily invited to watch the video, and share your reaction below. 

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Mussar Hopes and Fears For 2021

2021 is here at long last. Like many of you I am feeling grateful that 2020 is over. And yet…

… what does it really mean to start a New Year? There is nothing intrinsic about a change in date that will make our world better. On the surface, our hopes and fears for 2021 are pretty straightforward. We hope that 2021 will be better that 2020, and fear that it will be worse.

It is easy to attribute the fear to the Evil Inclination, what Rabbi Alan Lew called ““the tumultuous whirl-wind of impulses and dysfunctions that prevents us from doing what we should be doing.” We can become paralyzed about all kinds of awful things that are happening and might happen.

Could the hope for a better 2021 also be coming from the Evil Inclination? Don’t get me wrong – hope is powerful, necessary, and good. In fact Rabbi Nachman of Breslov said “Never give up hope! There is no despair!”

However, the Evil Inclination will sometimes try to build us up to then attack when we let our guard down. I hope that my kids will be able to go in person to college classes in the fall. But if I pin too much on that hope, I am in danger of being despondent if that doesn’t come to pass. And, I might miss opportunities to appreciate the good in today. The Covid vaccine is a source of hope, yet the growing case numbers and deaths are a cause for fear.

Some of you may have heard the teaching from Rabbi Nachman that the whole world is a narrow bridge and the important thing is not to be afraid. The present is a bridge connecting the past and the future. Let us walk together on that bridge, drawing courage from one another.

We can be 100% certain that this pandemic will pass. How and when we don’t know. But whatever happens, lets do our best to have a better 2021 than 2020. There is much we can control, but whatever happens, we can face it together.

If you’d like a closer connection to the American Mussar community, please join us in our weekly gathering Jewish Wisdom For Coping with a Pandemic. This is a drop in group, for people of any age, religion or level of Jewish background. Just come and bring a friend. Click here to learn more and get the zoom link.

Photo by Alex Azabache on Unsplash 

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For Hanukkah Choose Abundance Over Scarcity

This morning, Cantor Kerith Spencer-Shapiro shared a variant about the Hanukkah story that blew my mind. In the story most of us have heard, when the Maccabees wanted to rededicate the Temple, there was only enough oil for one day. Yet a miracle occurred and the old lasted eight days, until new oil arrived. As she presented in the Institute of Jewish Spirituality Daily Sit, she asked

What if the miracle was there always was enough,… and in their anxiety, those who saw the oil saw its meagerness instead of its abundance?

She rightly observed that we often get caught up in feelings that there is not enough. And she offered an alternative, that we can tap into the Shefa – an ever-flowing source of abundance. Now some of us might tune out if we get “too mystical” talking about Shefa. Yet there are two things that even the least mystical can take from this.

1.  It is undeniably true that humans have a tendency to feel scarcity when it doesn’t always exist. As it says in Ecclesiastes 5:9-11

A lover of money never has his fill of money, nor a lover of wealth his fill of income. That too is futile. As his substance increases, so do those who consume it; what, then, does the success of its owner amount to but feasting his eyes? A worker’s sleep is sweet, whether he has much or little to eat; but the rich man’s abundance doesn’t let him sleep.

2. Our Evil Inclination scares us into thinking that we don’t have enough, even when we do. My mother had very little money. But she always found a way to host people for snacks or lunch, and kept a bowl of candy on her coffee table for guests.

When faced with fears of scarcity, we are faced with a choice – do we clutch what we have close to us, or do we move forward and see what happens. The Maccabees moved forward and low it turned out they had enough oil for 8 days. When I left the corporate world, we though we could only afford it for a year. But ten years later, we’ve still had enough.

Finally, Cantor Spencer-Shapiro reminded us that there are many many people who don’t have enough. And it is our job to share with them.

Do you ever get trapped by fears of scarcity in your life? How do you deal with them? I’d love to know. As always, I answer every comment.

This post is a lead in to this week’s Jewish Wisdom For Coping with a Pandemic gathering, which will focus on the Soul Trait of Gratitude, which is chapter 12 in The Spiritual Practice of Good Actions.  These drop in zoom sessions are open to people of any age, religion, gender or level of Jewish background. Please come join us, and bring a friend.

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Mussar Helps With Election Stress

Walking on a beautiful day for self care
What a week, what a week. In the last 23 hours, it seems like I have had every emotion under the sun, including anger, fear and … well probably some others too.

As Kohellet wrote in the book of Ecclesiastes:  

To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven: a time to plant and a time to uproot what is planted; a time to break down and a time to build up. (See more here.)

With the election a few days away, what time is it now? I look around and see a lot of breaking down. At the same time, I see people standing in line for hours to vote. Their quiet determination says we can build a better future. Both forces are at work.

Where does Loving-Kindness, our topic for this weeks drop in Jewish Wisdom Zoom gathering , fit in?

This morning when I was making breakfast, the answer came to me. Someone dripped sticky stuff all over the floor, and I stepped in it. As I thought about how I could express my displeasure to others in the household, a quiet voice said in my head.

Just wipe it up.

The Talmud teaches that the world is built on Loving-Kindness. I don’t know who spilled – maybe it was me. But I was there, and I could clean it up as a way to build a better world in my own kitchen.

I can’t fix Facebook, and I can’t control what will happen in the month ahead. But I can focus my energy on building a better world for the people I care about. And when I do show up in the public arena, I can keep my focus on building a better world, even when I am working to uproot injustice and cruelty.

Rabbi Hillel wrote In a place where there are no humans, strive to be a human.”

Is there anything more human than showing up with Kindness? Is there anything that requires more strength right now?

Wishing you the strength and courage to show up with Kindness, whatever may lie ahead. And most importantly, be kind to yourself.

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