Greg Marcus's Blog, page 10

Procrastination Is Stingy: A Generosity Mussar Practice

Being generous with time gets over the stinginess of procrastination
Procrastination is Stingy? How does procrastination lead us to a Generosity Mussar Practice?

Yes, procrastination is stingy. I’ll tell you why in a moment, but first a story.

Yesterday I sent an email to over 100 people who donated to a crowdfunding campaign I ran two years ago to raise money to create a Mussar app. After almost a year of delays and excuses, the company I hired went out of business, taking with it everyone’s money and leaving behind only some design documents. Shame and sorrow kept me from telling everyone for months. I felt like I screwed up by hiring the wrong company, so I procrastinated about sending an update to the funders. Now that I have, it feels like a great weight has been lifted from my shoulders. How does this relate to a generosity Mussar practice?

I am in month three of a year working on my shadow soul traits as part of a Chaborah class from The Mussar Insititute. In our first meeting on Stinginess, we discussed the expectation on a person who receives a request for help.

My mind flashed back to the evening before. I has asked someone for help, and we were scheduled to meet to discuss the issue. Then for the second time, they sent me an email postponing the meeting for two weeks. I was furious. Having already spent a month working on Anger, I had a few tools to work with. I realized that I was mad because I was feeling devalued. But I knew this person is a good friend who highly values me – it was just a matter of it not being a priority for them, and being a priority for me.

When I get mad, I’ve learned to ask for help before responding, and then to focus on asking for what I need. Therefore, I sent them an email back, explaining that I had a project waiting on the answer, and I needed a yes or no. I asked to meet sooner than two weeks, and low and behold they went ahead and met with me. Now we are getting to the Generosity Mussar Practice.

With this incident fresh in my mind, our Mussar group started to wrestle with the question of what is expected from someone who receives a request for help. I then thought of all the times when someone asked me to do something I didn’t want to do. I didn’t want to say no and I certainly didn’t want to say yes. So more often than not, I procrastinated, and didn’t give a response. Or I would give a tepid response, and in effect stringing the other person along. I started to wonder if the people I was not responding to felt the way I had the night before, when my request was not being answered.

Now one might say, “But the reason I am not giving an answer is that I don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings. Or because I am afraid that they won’t like me if I say no, or I’ll be a bad person if I say no. Doesn’t that make it ok?” The answer is no, none of those rationalizations make it ok. Such people pleasing arises from a spiritual imbalance in multiple soul traits. Humility imbalance leads to a feeling of not being enough; Honor imbalance underestimates the other’s ability to find an alternate source of help, and the overall anxiety and uncertainty indicated a lack of Trust.

The Mussar lesson taught that a closed hand in stinginess is a symptom of a closed heart. One who is stingy keeps too much to themselves, and does’t share with others. When I procrastinate, and don’t answer others who are making a request of me, I am being stingy with my answer, and my heart is closed to the impact of the delay on the other person.

Thus comes the answer to the question: When someone comes to me and makes a request, I am obliged to give an answer promptly.

****Here’s the Generosity Mussar Practice***

Give prompt answers. Yes or no is all that is required of you. Don’t hold on to your answer. When someone honors you with a request for help, pay them promptly  with a respectful response.”

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As it says in the Torah “The wages of a laborer shall not remain with you until morning.” (Leviticus 19:13). While this commandment is generally thought to apply to paying laborers promptly, it has a similar flavor to giving a prompt response to a request. Just as one might withhold payment out of stinginess, withholding of a “yes or no” is also a form of stinginess. If this reference doesn’t resonate for you, perhaps “Love your fellow as yourself” (Leviticus 19:18) will.

After all, no one likes to be left in limbo.

Does this generosity Mussar practice resonate with you? Please leave a comment below.

Want to know what parts of your soul lead you to procrastination or stinginess? Take the Soul Trait Quiz now?

Want to learn more about Mussar? Click here. 

The post Procrastination Is Stingy: A Generosity Mussar Practice appeared first on American Mussar.

Who Will You Liberate This Passover?

Who will you liberate this Passover?

As we approach Passover, I’ve learned of a new way to think about the holiday. It stems from a conversation I was in recently, when a friend shared how her mother freed her from guilt.

A few years earlier, she and her family moved away from her parents, and her father used to needle her about how much he missed his grandkids. My friend confessed her guilt to her mother, who said “Do you really think your father is moping around all the time? He is fine and happy. He is living his life, and you are living yours.”

My friend said it was like a weight lifted from her shoulders. She truly felt liberated in that moment. And she was liberated – we carry these negative feelings around with us. They weigh us down, and prevent us from being our best selves.

In past years, I’ve written how we must free ourselves from the our personal “narrow place” every Passover.

Yet we did not free ourselves in Egypt. There were many people involved in our liberation – leaders like Moses, Aaron, and Miriam; individuals who painted the doorposts with lambs blood so they and their families would be spared the visit from the angel of death, and of course the Torah teaches that the Divine itself played a direct hand in our liberation.

So this year, I have a new Mussar practice to suggest.

****Here’s the Mussar Practice*****

Free someone else. Look for opportunities to free someone else from a long standing burden. Help them to get free of their “narrow place.” Here are a few ways you can do this.

1. Dispel a myth or story. Encourage people to walk their own path and dispel the story that is causing them suffering. In my friends case, her mother stepped up and dispelled the myth that her father was unhappy. If you are lucky, someone will confide in you and be open to advice. Remember, giving advice unlooked for is not helpful and is actually forbidden in the Talmud.

2. Forgive someone. Has someone asked for forgiveness, but you have found it hard to forgive? Find a way to forgive them, and help them move past the guilt they are feeling. Have they promised to never do it again and are they making good on it? Healing and reconciliation is a collaborative process – try to get to the place of forgiveness by talking with them if you need to.

3. End the guilt trip. Maybe you are playing the role of the father in this story, and are guilt tripping someone else. Your words may be having a far bigger impact than you realize. All trips come to an end. Take this opportunity to let the other person know that you are over it and they should not feel guilty. Not sure this is you? This about your relationships with friends and family, and do an audit to see if you are laying it on too thick.

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On Passover, we are instructed to think as though we were personally delivered from bondage. The Divine heard our cry and set us free.

We all carry the spark of Divinity, and have an opportunity to participate in the liberation of others. (If you are unsure of the Divinity, think of it as the core spark of human goodness.)

2018 is a year of life, as 18 represents life in Judaism. I am dedicated to helping you on a journey of transformation. This practice is a great way to focus on the needs of others, and provide help where you can.

How do you plan to liberate others this Passover?  Leave a comment and let me know.

Want to understand what is holding you back from liberating others? Take the Soul Trait Profile Quiz. 

 

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Esther’s Mussar Humility Lesson

Purim Street Party by State of Israel via Flickr CC
Esther’s Mussar Humility Lesson:

The story of Purim is a great lesson on the soul trait of Humility. As you may recall, the mantra for Humility written by Alan Morinis is “No more than my place; not less than my space.” It is a great reminder that Mussar humility is the perfect balance between arrogance and self-effacement. Purim teaches that sometimes we are thrust into a situation where we have an opportunity for greatness. And we are thus called upon to occupy a greater space.

As a quick reminder, in the Purim story, a Jewish woman named Esther wins a beauty contest to become Queen. Then, an evil advisor to the King arranges to have the Jewish people annihilated. Esther’s uncle Mordechei asks her to go to the King to prevent this calamity.

At the time, however, to approach the king uninvited was an offense punishable by death. Esther could have been dissuaded by the risk; nevertheless she persisted. Now remember, Esther is Queen by virtue of a beauty contest. She could have fallen prey to the Imposter Syndrome, and decided that she was unworthy of the task at hand. The Megillah (5:1) describes what happens next.

“Esther donned [garments of] royalty and stood in the inner courtyard of the palace, facing the palace. The king was sitting on his royal throne in the palace facing the palace entrance.” Notice how it reads if we eliminate the “[garments of].”*

Esther donned royalty.”

What does that mean to don royalty? This is Esther’s Mussar Humility lesson. She went before the King in a regal persona. She occupied her space, and did not get hung up on the vagaries of the selection process that made her Queen. She had a right to be there, and made the most of her opportunity.

Have you ever been faced with a situation where you were called upon to do something outside your comfort zone? Do you ever get worried that you aren’t sure what to do, or that you really don’t belong and let yourself get paralyzed? Take inspiration from Esther, and just do it.

Thankfully few of us will have to step up the way that Esther did, where failure means genocide. At the same time, we live in extraordinary times, with political turmoil at home, and war abroad. Do you feel called on to speak out? But we should not simply read this story an an invitation for civic action. Who among us has not been faced with a trying situation at work, in our marriage, with a friend, or with the challenge of growing into full adulthood? How best  can we step up, to do right by the people in our lives?

You are heartily invited to stop for a moment and consider how Esther’s Mussar Humility lesson applies to you. Read the following and then close your eyes.

Think of the people in your life. What challenges do they face? What is one small step you can take to support your friends, family and community in a new way? How can you occupy your space to take responsibility, and try to be part of the solution. Or, perhaps you need to occupy less space. As a parent of teens, I know well the challenge of letting them make their own mistakes.

Please comment below or send me an email to capture your intention.

Want to learn more about Mussar Humility? Click here for a free sneak peak at the Humility lesson from the American Mussar cycle.

*The brackets indicate  an interpretive translation as opposed to a literal translation. As my comment above suggests, I think this interpretation is incorrect, and undervalues Esther’s contribution.

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Call on Boldness to Step Back from Busyness. Shabbat Is a Delight

Shabbat is a delight when we create an oasis in time

Our sages say that Shabbat is a delight. You may know people who love Shabbat and keep it and say they wouldn’t be able to live without it. Shabbat is praised as a taste of the world to come. It is the time for deeper intimacy, for the pleasures of the table, for song, for joy, for true respite.

So why is it so hard to do? It is such a great idea, but hard to make real. Much as we might long for a weekly day off, a true oasis in time, it’s hard!! Our broader culture is all about action and resting is just not part of the program. Regular rest is hard to build into our lives. Yet with diligence and a Mussar trait called Azut d’kedusha – holy boldness – it is possible.

What is holy boldness and why will it help us leap over the barriers to making time for Shabbat? The Hebrew word azut is related to the word oz which means courage or strength. And what is d’kedusha? It is the strength of holiness. And we need that boldness when we want to bring holiness into our lives. For some people, holiness has an odd off-putting tone. While we may want to be spiritual, we are not sure that we want to be holy. But let’s look at the word kedusha one more time. Professor Dov Landau of Bar Ilan University tells us that kedusha is related to the sacred, the wondrous, the elevated, the numinous, the mysterious, and the awesome. Kedusha is an aspect of life that is undefinable.   We know it through our hearts and souls, not our intellect.

In the quest for these qualities we can be bold, we must be bold, because we live in the midst of a very secular world. We must be strong, even fierce, in the face of our never ending to-do lists. At the end of the day our task list is often longer than it was at the beginning of the day even though we might have been devoted to taking action all day long.

It is azut d’kedusha that gives us the chutzpah to say “no.” As Shabbat approaches we say that we are off the clock and off the hook. We put down our devices. We let people know that we are entering a world of time spaciousness.

We put aside our many tasks. We laugh at what I call the “just-one-more-thing” syndrome. That’s when we say “I will do just one more thing and then I will turn to the world of rest, then I will stop striving, then I will take that deep breath and trust that all will be well when I step off my treadmill.” But, the just one more thing turns into finishing ten more emails, and a few more texts, and perhaps a last check on social media. And then, the long wished for blessing of our oasis in time gets eaten up by our wish to just get on top of the many claims for our attention.

The word Shabbat means stop. That’s it. Just stop. So, now, just for a moment, carve out a little bit of time for your Shabbat rest. Find the time in your calendar when you are determined to turn off your phone, slow your movements, slow your breathing, and just for a little bit of time, that you set aside, ready or not, let go of achieving and turn to rest, to reflect and to play. Then, Shabbat is a delight.

This is a guest post is by Marilyn Paul, author of “An Oasis in Time: How a Day of Rest Can Save Your Life ” and “It’s Hard to Make a Difference When You Can’t Find Your Keys: The Seven-Step Path to Becoming Truly Organized.” Please visit her website www.marilynpaul.com to learn more. 

The post Call on Boldness to Step Back from Busyness. Shabbat Is a Delight appeared first on American Mussar.

This Sin Explains Michigan State’s Decisions About Nassar

Joe Paterno was worshipped at Penn State

In the last post, I explained how, the administration of Michigan State University in 2014 did not learn the lessons of the sexual abuse scandal at Penn State just a few years earlier. This sin explains Michigan State’s decisions: Idolatry. As I shared in my last blog post, they fell into corporate idolatry, and as a result dozens of additional girls were sexually abused because they allowed Larry Nassar to continue to see patients after Amanda Thomashow reported that he rubbed her breasts and vagina during a medical exam.

Here is an excerpt from my book “Busting Your Corporate Idol: Self Help for the Chronically Overworked” that explains what went wrong at Penn State, which serves as an example of what probably went wrong at Michigan State. We don’t have all the info yet, but when we do I suspect we’ll see similar dynamics. As background, Corporate idolatry is a modern form of idolatry in which we do what is best for the institution instead of the ethical guidelines given in the Torah and subsequent Jewish teachings. From a Mussar perspective, we are particularly focused on the guidelines of character and personal conduct. 

As Mussar practitioners we have a responsibility to proactively try to prevent this thing from happening again. Read on to understand institutional pressures towards immoral action.

Why People at Penn State Fell into Idolatry

The 2011 sexual abuse scandal at Penn State University represents a sobering and upsetting example of what can happen when people fall into corporate idolatry. For over forty years Joe Paterno was the football coach at Penn State, and was widely respected as a leader, teacher, and philanthropist. How is it that Paterno and the top officials at Penn State University did not report assistant football coach Jerry Sandusky to the police for child abuse after Sandusky was discovered allegedly sodomizing a boy in the locker room shower? One explanation is corporate idolatry––Penn State University propagated a culture that put the interests of the institution (its football program in particular) ahead of the welfare of people. The high level of news coverage and detailed written reports allow insights into how corporate idolatry impacted people at all levels of the university.

In both 1998 and 2001, Paterno and the top officials at Penn State University did not report assistant football coach Jerry Sandusky to the police for child abuse. In 2012 Sandusky was convicted of forty-five counts that ranged from “endangering the welfare of children” to “involuntary deviate sexual intercourse.” Some of these crimes happened after 2001, and would have been prevented if Paterno, and other university officials had informed the police.

According to the report by former FBI Director Louis Freeh, Penn State had a “reverence for football program ingrained at all levels of the university.”11 This started from the top, with a “president who discouraged discussion and dissent,” and included the attendant who switched off CNN on the TV in the Penn State student center just before the Freeh Report was released.

Penn State University has a culture of idolatry because the culture prioritized football over the safety of children. Does this mean that everyone associated with the university are a bunch of evil idolators? Not at all. But, everyone at PSU is impacted by the pervasive foot- ball-first value system. And, people who opposed the football-first value system paid a price. For example, former VP of Student Affairs Vicky Triponey “butted heads with Paterno and his football supporters,” and according to The Daily Beast, was fired for investigating players for allegedly sexual assaults. Triponey’s boss, former PSU president Graham Spanier, allegedly gave her poor performance reviews because she “wasn’t fitting in with the ‘Penn State way.’”

Because the Freeh report, was based on interviews with hundreds of people, we have a unique opportunity to understand why people participated in Penn State’s football-first value system. I have seen these same four causes of idolatry in the stories I heard from the corporate world, as well as in the literature that discusses idolatry in the ancient world. make it possible to tease out the different reasons people commit idolatry

For personal advantage. I think many of the university officers embraced the culture of idolatry because it gave them perks, power, and wealth. According to the Freeh Report, these men “exhibited a striking lack of empathy for Sandusky’s victims by failing to inquire as to their safety and well-being.”16 They were more concerned with the reputation of the institution, and by extension their own reputations. I suspect that Paterno and the others used rationalizations to ease their consciences, and saw themselves as doing the right thing.
Out of habit and blind obedience. Timothy Curley, the former athletic director, is described as “a State College native with a long family history at Penn State.” Some at PSU referred to Curley as “Paterno’s errand boy,” and others characterized him as “loyal to a fault to university management and the chain of command; someone who followed instruction regardless of the consequences.”17
Out of fear. In the fall of 2000, a janitor saw Sandusky with a boy in the shower. By all accounts, the janitor was devastated by what he had seen but was afraid he would lose his job if he spoke up. He said the following to investigators, “I know Paterno has so much power, [and] if he wanted to get rid of someone, I would have been gone … football runs this univer- sity, and the university would have closed ranks to protect the football program at all costs.”18
By error. On November 9, 2011, Joe Paterno was fired from Penn State, and thousands of students rioted, chanting, “One more game.” This is what philosophers call “Idolatry by Error.” Idolatry by error is a behavior that persists due to cultural traditions whose foundation is based on incorrect information. These kids were raised on the notion that Paterno was a great leader who taught his players how to be great men. In other words, the protesters thought that Paterno had been scapegoated and that they were standing up against a great injustice.These same four reasons: personal advantage, habit, fear, and error help explain why people practice idolatry throughout the corporate world.

This excerpt from Busting Your Corporate Idol: Self Help For the Chronically Overworked was reprinted with the permission of the author. The full book is available on Amazon. Click here to learn more. 

See also: Three Mussar Traits To Help You Prevent Another Larry Nassar

The post This Sin Explains Michigan State’s Decisions About Nassar appeared first on American Mussar.

Three Mussar Traits To Help You Prevent Another Larry Nassar

Simone Biles, is a survivor of abuse by Larry Nassar.

The case of Larry Nassar is painful and horrible on many levels. Nassar will spend the rest of his life in jail for sexually abusing over 150 girls.  And those girls will spend the rest of their lives dealing with the trauma that was inflicted on them. It is my hope that by writing this article, other people who suffered abuse can find the courage to talk about what happened to them, because talking about what happened is a key step towards healing. Here is an article on general healing, and a second article that focuses on healing in sexual contexts. Both articles carry an important message – survivors of sexual trauma can heal. It isn’t their fault, and there are many professionals available to help.

I am particularly angry and upset about the actions by Michigan State University officials who covered up Nassar’s abuse. (See this article in The Atlantic for the full details.) Clearly, they did not learn the lessons from the Penn State sexual abuse scandal, in which an assistant football coach was raping young boys on campus. As people who practice Mussar, we work to stay connected to our ethical traditions, and try to become alert to rationalizations that can lead us to stay silent, or even enable horrible abuse to continue.

Which brings us to the  a second reason for this article: We must never allow loyalty to an institution to overcome our personal ethics. This is a modern form of idolatry, which I wrote about extensively in my first book Busting Your Corporate Idol: Self Help For the Chronically Overworked.  Idolatry is creating an intermediary between yourself and the divine, and allowing the intermediary to set the terms of right and wrong. 

Kristine Moore was the MSU employee  in charge of investigating Amanda Thomashow’s complaint that Nassar massaged her breasts and vagina during a medical exam. Moore only consulted internal colleagues of Nassar and then prepared two different reports – 0ne for Thomashow,saying she didn’t know the difference between a medical procedure and sexual abuse. There was also a second, secret internal report that acknowledged the trauma inflicted by the doctor. In the end, Moore chose to protect the interests of the University over the safety of its students. 

It is far too easy to say “I would never do such a thing.” I hope that is the case. But for many years I was caught up in corporate idolatry, and I put the needs of the company in front of the needs of people on a regular basis. No one’s life was ruined, but it was not ethical and my choices resulted in unnecessary pain for myself, my family, other employees, and our customers. Here are three Mussar traits to help you avoid the trap of Corporate Idolatry, and prevent another ethical lapse that enabled Larry Nasser

First Mussar Trait: Honor

Before you act, think of the impact of your actions on people, including yourself and your family. If the company wants you to skip a family event (or even worse, you feel you must skip the event for work, even if no one asks you to), think again. 

Second Mussar Trait: Truth

Be on the lookout for rationalizations, and be honest with yourself. Have you ever had a thought like “Our company/University/Institution does so much good work, we need to protect it’s reputation.” If you have, it can open the door to rationalizations, like the one that led Kristine Moore to consult only with Nassar’s colleagues to find out if his exams were medically kosher.

Third Mussar Trait: Holiness.

It says in the Torah “You shall be holy.” It isn’t always clear what this means. As a rule of thumb, you can  think  of it as the quest to be Holy as living an ethical life according to the teachings of the Torah. This may be unfamiliar to you. Remember that building your character according to Torah’s teachings is striving to be a Mensch. The second commandment teaches us not to create graven images, those intermediaries I referred to above. Remember that your primary duty is to follow a higher calling – you can think of it as the Divine, Humanity, universal ethics. Whatever the case, if you often hear “you need to do what is best for the company,” beware! Nod your head politely, and then look to your heart and conscience for guidance on how to act.

What do you think of these Mussar traits? Will they really help us prevent a monster from hurting people longer than he should?

Ask yourself the following questions: Are there unethical people you know of who are unchecked? Are they sexually harassing others, acting as a bully, or treating vendors poorly? These people may not be monsters like Nassar, but their unethical conduct is unacceptable, and if you allow it to continue, other people may be hurt. In fact, when someone like Nassar and their ilk go down, they take down everyone around them.

See next article: This Sin Explains Michigan State’s Decisions About Nassar to learn more about corporate idolatry at Penn State and Michigan State.

Image by Agência Brasil Fotografias via Flickr CC

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Five Mussar Practices To Charge Your Life In 2018

What is holding you back? One of these five Mussar practices can change your life.

I am at my favorite Philz, drinking coffee, and reflecting on the past two years since American Mussar was founded. I’ve looked through so many of your stories, and am inspired and humbled by the ways that Mussar is changing your lives. 2018 is a year of blessing – 18 stands for life, and this year I am dedicated to helping you deepen your mussar practice. Below I’ll share five Mussar practices you can try. But first some background.

The last few months have been rough for me, with three parents in the hospital at various times with serious conditions. All three are on the mend thank goodness. The experience has really offered me lots of grist for the Mussar mill. Mussar has made it much easier for me to keep perspective, and to give myself time to recover my energy after difficult conversations before pushing on. ​​​​​​​

As is often the case with life, personal struggles can come against the backdrop of successes in other parts of life. As the American Mussar community has grown to over 1800 on the American Mussar Facebook page, and 5000 on the email list, your stories have been an inspiration to me to help me get through. Here are a few of the key highlights from 2017:

1. The Transform Yourself Through Jewish Wisdom Weekend was an amazingly transformative experience. I got to meet some of you there, and heard from many others who were not able to attend. This was our first live weekend event. The ten of us ended with our arms around each other, resolving to use the weekend as a springboard for change. One participant, Dr Dan Brown of San Diego said, “The Program has changed the trajectory of my life for the better.”

For me personally, it was also a breakthrough. You see, I struggle to feel satisfied. For all of my accomplishments, from MIT to the corporate world to my books, I never felt a sense of contentment like I did after this weekend. Yes, working to digest and unpack how Mussar can change your life left me with the highest feelings of satisfaction I have had. And since then, I’ve caught myself being happy and satisfied on multiple occasions. This may be commonplace for you, but for me it is a new and unique experience. If you have an opportunity to do an immersive experience like this one from any teacher you like, do it!

2. Stories of how Mussar is changing your lives. Here are a few examples:

• Healed sibling rivalry: You shared how Mussar helped you heal a 30 year sibling rivalry situation, and you chose to enjoy the holidays with people you rarely see rather than get sucked into old patterns.

• Loving Kindness: The blessing of being reminded of the impact you have on other people when you remember to practice Loving Kindness.

• Humility: You recognized how strongly you feel the need to be heard, and that sometimes it is too much for others. And you shared how it stemmed from a traumatic experience in your past. That recognition is a key step on the path to transformation.

I am so touched because you’ve let me touch you in this way.

3. I am particularly grateful to my 1:1 coaching clients. It has been a privilege to listen to your stories, and work with you to overcome those things holding you back and causing unnecessary suffering in your lives. To see you grow and thrive has been the best part of my week.

4. You let me into your lives through the book too. In the 15 months since The Spiritual Practice of Good Actions: Finding Balance Through the Soul Traits of Mussar was published, you’ve bought almost 2000 copies, and left more than 50 Reviews on Amazon. The latest particularly touches my heart. This book is changing my life …it takes the daunting and seemingly insurmountable spiritual journey of improving one’s character and reduces it to taking the first step, then the next, and so on. Read the full review here .

5. Rolling out the American Mussar Parenting Curriculum by working with lay leaders at two large synagogues. With just a few hours of training, anyone can use these materials to facilitate a mussar parenting group. One leader, from Temple Isaiah in Lafayette CA said the following after just two meetings, “I’m amazed at how the teachings are already having a positive effect on people’s lives.”

The key to Mussar is taking action, and you are discovering that taking one small step is everything – it is the whole game, because a first step leads to a second step and then a third step. But if you don’t take that first step, the journey never begins. Once you’ve taken it, you’ll begin building resilience to pick the practice up again with much less activation energy.

My focus for 2018 is to help you deepen your Mussar practice. There is no one size fits all solution. Here are five Mussar practices you could try. I don’t care which one you pick, but pick one.

1. Read a Mussar book. Here is a list of classic and modern Mussar books to choose from.

2. Schedule a free one hour strategy consultation with me. I love these calls. I listen, and then help you start to craft a strategy to become unstuck, get through a transition, or get to the next level in your practice. If you’d like to schedule the call, just click here to schedule one.

3. Sign up for the American Mussar Sampler program. For 13 weeks, you’ll get an email with practice prompts with a link to a video to give you a structure to practice the 13 soul traits in The Spiritual Practice of Good Actions. The cost of the sampler is $24 – a discount off the regular price of $36. As a special bonus, I’ll include a copy of the matching mantra cards, which have a retail value of $18 with free shipping within the US. Click Here to Order.

4. Sign up for the waiting list for the upcoming Mussar intensive courses. This will be a series of one month virtual Mussar groups each focused on a particular issue. Planning for the Mussar intensives will begin soon – we’ll be asking for your advice. By signing up for the waiting list, you will have the first opportunity to sign up for the class, and get a discount. Sign Up Here

5. Try a Patience Practice from the Mussar Parenting Curriculum. Sign up at the bottom of the info page here, and I’ll send you the participants and facilitators guides for you to review and select a practice. 

My heart is really full because the practice is spreading. Please comment below and let me know what you are deciding to do. Let me tell you, if you are thinking to yourself, “I really should do this, but I have too much going on,” take my advice and just go ahead and do it. It will be a step forward. When in doubt, do the phone call. Nothing is more precious than your time, and if after 30 minutes you think it is a waste of time, we can end it then and there with no hard feelings.

As Rabbi Hillel said, “If I am not for myself who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? And if not now, when?”

2018 is a year of blessing – 18 stands for life, and this year I am dedicated to helping you deepen your mussar practice.

Most sincerely, 

Greg

Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash

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The Surprising Connection Between Hanukkah and Self Esteem: A Mussar Practice

Your Mussar Practice: Be a shamus to light other peoples flame

Happy Hanukkah! Hanukkah is a holiday of joy, to celebrate a miracle. While today we point to the miracle of the lights, the original miracle was the victory of the Maccabees over the Greeks. In this time of darkness for many people, we can take heart from both miracles. And as you will see below, there is a surprising connection between Hanukkah and self esteem.

Whether or not you are Jewish, there is a Mussar practice I am going to share that I think you will find meaningful.

****Here’s the Practice*****

Be a shamus to light other peoples flame

In Hanukkah, we light candles for eight nights. We don’t light the candles directly. First we light the shamus, a candle on a higher level than the others. Then, we use the shamus to light the other candles. In this practice, you will become a shamus, to light other people’s flame. The shamus is a servant, and thus when we seek to light another’s flame, we do so from a place of serving another.

This idea of lighting another’s flame my seem a bit abstract. I think of it as being an inspiration to others, to help them achieve more in the world. To bring it more down to earth, let’s put it in the context of the soul trait of Humility. Remember that Humility is about occupying your proper place in the universe, a balance between arrogance and self-abasement. Inspiring others requires “occupying more space,” that is moving more towards the arrogance side of the spectrum.

You might ask yourself, “Who am I to inspire others?” The answer is that you are a soul in the Divine image. You can be an inspiration, even if you normally hold yourself back from a lack of self-esteem.

You can be a light by leading by example, or better yet, by serving. How can you help someone else achieve their dream? It doesn’t need to be a Martin Luther King level dream. It can be something simple, like helping achieve a night of peace in the home. Or if your spouse is always asking you to stay off your phone, you can put it away for an evening and focus on being present.

Hanukkah is a holiday of joy and celebration. Take this occasion to be a light to others and help them bring more joy and goodness to the world.

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It is easy to be distracted by the commercial aspects of Hanukkah and Christmas. And it is very easy to let the holidays add to the overwhelm many of us are feeling. I hope you’ll take this opportunity to slow down, and take a moment to light other people’s flames. Serving can be far more fulfilling than leading.

Want to find out which parts of our Soul cause you to get in the way of serving others, or lead you to serve others too much at the expense of yourself? Click here to take the Soul Trait Quiz now.

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Silence: A Mussar Practice For Trump Angst

Do you bring up Trump at random times to make fun of him? The Mussar Practice of Silence offers a path to joy over anger.

Would you like a mussar practice for Trump angst? First a question: If you hate Trump so much, why do you keep talking about him?

I asked that question to a close relative over the weekend. We were sitting together, watching TV when he said, “I am smarter than that guy, referring to a sports expert.” He had a little grin on his face, and from the way he said it, I could tell that he was lampooning Trump’s statement that he was smarter than Secretary of State Rex Tillerson.

In another conversation about the suffering in Puerto Rico, someone said “the problem is that Puerto Rico is an island, surrounded by water.” She looked at me expectantly, with almost a hunger for me to engage.

A few months ago, I posted something on Twitter, and out of the blue someone tweeted the “That explains Trump.” I made no response, and I imagine a great disappointment in the poster that I did not take the bait.

In each case, it appeared that the person was looking for me to justify and feed their anger. I see the exchanges on Facebook all the time. One person rants, and their friends jump in, either agreeing or disagreeing. Everyone is angry.

If this sounds at all like you, let me ask you: Is this the life you want to live? Is this what Judaism teaches us, to feed anger and disaffection? I know, we are supposed to speak out against injustice. But what injustice are we speaking about when we bring up Trump out of the blue to make fun of him? Here, you are just feeding the anger within.

The Talmud teaches “Whosoever yields to anger, if he be a wise man his wisdom leaves him, and if he be a prophet his prophecy leaves him.” (Pesachim 66b). In modern language, the Talmud is saying that when we get angry, we don’t think straight, and we do things we may regret. I know that when I am angry, I say and do some really hurtful things to the people I care most about.

In addition, insulting Trump instead of talking about actual issues amounts to gossip, which in Hebrew is known as lashon ha’ra. The Talmud teaches that harmful speech kills three people – the speaker, the listener, and the one being talked about. Rabbi Joseph Teluskin argues that avoiding gossip allows the speaker and listener to form a closer relationship because they are forced to focus on each other. Thus, when we bring up Trump at random times, we lose an opportunity to really connect and get to know other people. It may feel good to share misery, but it won’t actually make you feel better. And it won’t help you form community.

Instead of giving in to the urge to mock Trump, practice the Soul Trait of Silence. In the Mussar classic Cheshbon Ha’nefesh, Rabbi Menachem Mendel Levin wrote, “Before you open your mouth, be silent and reflect: What benefit will my speech bring to me or others?” One way to begin this Mussar practice is to write Levin’s phrase on an index card or sticky note, and put it on your bed table where you will see it in the morning. Read, chant, and/or contemplate it for a minute to begin your day. This will make you more aware of thoughtless speech in general. Next, stop and reflect before you say anything. As you become more mindful of your speech, you can choose to avoid the mocking speech we discussed above.

Lets consider a world in which you don’t bring up Trump at random times. It opens the door to focus on positive things that bring you energy and joy. I’ve seen it happen again and again – a positive conversation gets derailed into anger, frustration, and cynicism. Instead of allowing your negative side to bring the conversation down with insults, look for an opportunity to bring the conversation up. Staying present and plugged into the world is both empowering and life affirming. After all, our mission is Tikkun Olam, repair of the world. And mocking speech never repaired anything

Mussar has soul traits to help us focus on Tikkun Olam in the face of anger and despair. It is not enough simply to say “No Trump thoughts” or “keep it positive.” A full mussar practice for Trump angst requires a strategy to focus on something else.

Come back next week to read a post on moving from anger to Tikkun Olam.

Want to know which soul traits you need to work on? Take the Soul Trait Profile Quiz.

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Feeling Compassion For a Gun Enthusiast After Vegas Shooting: A Mussar Practice Moment

Feeling Compassion For a Gun Enthusiast After Vegas Shooting?

I am not a gun guy, but somehow I felt compassion for a gun enthusiast who was talking about the Las Vegas shooting. I went on Facebook Live to talk about it, and how my feelings relate to the soul traits of Compassion and Abstinence. The back story.

I listened to an interview on All Things Considered with a gun enthusiast who was clearly upset about the shooting. This is someone who owns a lot of guns. He freely admits that there is no reason for someone to have that many guns in a hotel room. And he was clearly upset about the shootings in Las Vegas, Newton CT and at the Pulse in Florida. In fact, he felt responsible, because he believes in responsible gun ownership, and it was painful to him that “one of their own” did such unspeakable evil. Mary Louise Kelly deserves an award for the quality of the interview, because she asked questions without judgement. (Listen here, starting around 5:30). The man explained that he once fired a fully automatic weapon at a gun range under supervision, and he liked it. It gave a rush, like driving a fast car. His argument was this: why should I be punished for the actions of one person?

I’ve heard that argument by lawmakers previously, and dismissed it out of hand. But here was a real person saying the words with feeling and pain. In that past I would have felt judgement, thinking “People are dying, and you don’t want to do anything because you think guns are fun?” But none of that as I listened, perhaps because I am practicing the Mussar Soul Trait of Compassion this week. Compassion teaches us to be close to another, so close that you feel what they feel. And I felt the anguish, and the seductive power of the rush.

I was reminded of the Soul Trait of Abstinence, as explained in The Path of the Just by Rabbi Moshe Chaim Luzzatto. (Watch starting around 4:00.) Abstinence is about giving something up on the path to self improvement. Gun owners can voluntarily give up something they like. Before we jump on them for not doing so, or for fighting to keep their ability for a fun hobby, lets look in the mirror. Are you ready to stop driving fast because another driver driving that fast might kill someone? Give a watch to see what I say about sexual abstinence too.

I still don’t agree with his position, but at least I understand it. He is not crazy, and is no more selfish than the rest of us. And I think I could talk to him in a respectful way. Being sympathetic to his point of view will go a long way towards getting him to take the high road, or at least understand that we have nothing against him if we want safety regulations on gun ownership.

This woman enjoys shooting. That does not make her a bad person.

Healing and reconciliation in this country will only take place when we learn to understand our fellow Americans.

Have a listen. Tell me what you feel. Can you feel compassion for gun a enthusiast? Do you get it now in a new way? Agree? Disagree?

Reply below and let me know.

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