Travis S. Miller's Blog, page 8

So..Your Ex Fall Out Of Love With You?

She appears out of nowhere and walks right into your life. The attraction is instant, chemistry strong, passion, plenty, sex…wow!



Almost immediately you start spending lots of time together, talking on phone for hours without realizing how much time has passed, and sending each other little messages throughout the day. You are in love and it feels amazing!



Then one day he or she just stops calling or writing. Your voice mails, emails and text messages never get returned. Just as he appeared as if from nowhere, he like just vanished off this planet.



You are devastated, frantic and crushed. But this is not the first time this has happened to you. Some relationships lasted a little longer than others, but they all ended with the men and women disappearing into thin air — even when you thought you were getting along. And most of the time you have no idea why they just vanished.



Why you?



Bad luck. Naivety. Desperation (ticking clock). Too aggressive and coming on strong, may be.



Whatever it is, most women who attract men who disappear have a lot in common. Most of the “love” stuff and “the relationship” happens in their heads. Someone shows a little interest and off they go, planning the weekends, wedding, honeymoon, the kids and everything. But each new “love” relationship turns into nothing more than a fantasy.



Here is where it gets even crazier. When the man disappears, you don’t look inside yourself for the reason this is happening to you. You blame him for being a jerk and for not having the guts to tell you he was ending the relationship. The only self-reflection you do is conclude that you always attract men who are emotionally unavailable or afraid of commitment.



But if you are really, really honest with yourself. If you reflect back on the long conversations, pull up the texts and emails, and really think of the relationship as it really was and not how you’d have wanted it to be, you will see that a lot of the “love and loving” happened only in your head.



I’m not saying there are no jerks out there, I’m saying if your pattern is men or women  walking out of your life as fast as they walked in, it’s not about the men. It’s about you.



But what about what you had, was it real?



It probably was, though most of it was happening in your head. The reality part of it was that, he may be a really great guy or gal, who was genuinely interested in you and wanted to see if you were “the one”. The unreal part of it was that you ran far ahead of him. So while it looks like he fell out of love too quickly, the reality is that you fell in love too quickly.



Some of your actions — needing too much closeness too soon, laying the rules too early, trying to change him or run his life, giving too much to get a little, etc — may have caused him to run away. But most of the time, it’s not even anything you said or did, it’s your inability to sense where he is at and how he feels about you or the relationship. You are so caught up in your own head that when he disappears or ends it, you are taken by surprise.



“We were so good together and things were going on too well. He even said this and that just before he disappeared, and we even did this or did that… I just can’t understand, why”, you keep thinking over and over. “Why didn’t he just tell me? Why didn’t he… why… why….”



It’s simple, the “good together” and “things were going on too well” was mostly in your head.



Can you get him or her back?



It depends. If in the brief time you were together he felt that you had too much baggage or were just not “the one”, he’ll not want to come back.



If she walked away because you were asking for what she could not give you at the time (your were needy and clingy), but she still thinks you might be “the one”, she will give you another chance in form of continued contact to see if things can be different — and that’s good!



The problem for you is still “your head”. You start over-analyzing every word, every move, every silence, every everything. You read stuff into things that are not there and react based on your own thoughts and not reality. Most of the time you are again ahead of her –, pushing closeness too soon, laying the rules too early, wanting him to act or behave in a certain way, giving too much to get a little, etc. And before you know it, he’s gone again.



If she’s giving you another chance in form of continued contact, my advice is work on not over analyzing the present and worrying too much about the future. That way you are more in touch with reality, with where he is at and with how she feels about you.

Signs A Man Or Woman Is Playing You

Question: I met him on one of my business trips. I’m 43, he’s 34. The chemistry was instant and strong. He asked for my number and he immediately called me. Soon after that we started seeing each other every other every, spending some nights at my place and some nights at his. We both have very busy lives but we always found time to be with each other. Everything was amazing for almost a month and a half. We talked about future plans and what we want from the relationship. But then two weeks ago, he kind of started to pull away. I asked him why he all of a sudden seemed distant and he said he felt things were moving too fast. He said he cares for me and is falling for me but doesn't want to rush in and rush out. I’m totally confused. I don’t know if he’s playing me or if he’s taking his time and just doesn't want to rush anything.



I’ve never been in the role of the chaser before. All my relationships, the guys chased after me and said they wanted to be with me forever blah…blah… but then they broke up with me a few months later. Although this guy is younger than me and all my other boyfriends including my ex-husband, he is more mature in his outlook to life and a lot more responsible than most guys. I just want to be sure he still wants to be with me and i’m not just wasting my time on a relationship that is going nowhere.



The Love Doctor’s Answer: Just as each person is different, each relationship is different and the time frames that apply in one relationship may not apply in another. But I think that if within just a month and a half you were already seeing each other every other day, and talking about future plans, things were moving a little too fast. And he is right in saying that people who rush in quite often rush out too.



But how do you know if someone is playing you versus taking his (or her time) to get to know you?



With all the “Rules” and head game-playing on both sides (and by even supposedly grown ups who should know better), it’s sometimes hard to tell who is just following some stupid rules, who is playing you and who is taking things seriously — and just wants to make sure they are making the right decisions.



I’ve tried to compile my own “signs” that help me when dealing with clients situations, and these are just 5 of some of the most obvious ones.



1. If you’re in the dark about what’s going on and he (or she) isn’t doing anything to explain or can’t come up with a plausible explanation of what is happening with the future of the relationship – you’re being played.



2. If the person suddenly pulls back from being fully involved (initiating contact, responding to your texts, emails, calls etc) to zero involvement (ignoring you or in a rush to get away) and he (or she) doesn’t care that his (or her) actions are hurting you – you’re being played.



3. If he (or she) is always saying he (or she) doesn’t have “enough” time for you but he (or she) seems to have enough time to do everything else including go out on other dates — you’re being played.



4. If he (or she) comes across as too good to be true or his (or her) words don’t always match his (or her) actions – you’re being played.



5. If he (or she) spends more time telling you that the relationship is neither right nor going anywhere, it is always the case that he (or she) is living down to his/her expectations – you are being played and you’re wasting your time.



Bottom line:  If there is positive energy and clear signs of “good-will” or loving intentions from the other person, then it’s most likely he (or she) just feels that things are moving too fast for him (or her) and just stepping back to reset the pace at which things are moving. He (or she) is not playing you.



Stepping back and resetting the pace of a relationship that was moving too fast should feel “right” for both of you. You may not always agree on just how much to pull back or even if things were going too fast, but there has to be a kind of comfort that things are still “moving forward”; a little slower but progressively moving forward.

If You Suspect Your Ex Is A Narcissist

Have you noticed that men and women who are overly self-absorbed, aggressive, forceful, opinionated, love the sound of their own voice and have an air of superiority simply because they have good looks, success, skill or “luck” in a particular area of life populate the ranks of frustrated singles, unhappy spouses and loners, while average looking others of ordinary looks, talent and means do better in dates, marriage and relationships in general?



Overly self-absorbed men and women take “self love” to a point where it works against them instead of for them. I know it’s hard to even think that something as good as “loving yourself” can come back and bite you in the rear.



Loving yourself  is good. People who love themselves have an awareness of their strengths, qualities, abilities and skills, and the expectation, trust and conviction that those strengths, qualities, abilities and skills will lead to a positive outcome. It’s a kind of optimism we all aspire to have – and that’s a good thing.



Narcissism goes way beyond healthy self-love. Narcissism impairs a narcissist ability to accurately access their strengths, qualities, abilities and skill. This is probably why narcissists are some of the most self-destructive people in the world. They lack that very necessary ability to self-evaluate and self-regulate, and as a result tend to over-inflate, over-exaggerate, overstate and overplay their own importance, abilities and awe-fullness.



Narcissists are least likely to acknowledge that they don’t know something or that there are things they are not good at. And when something doesn’t happen or go the way they expect or want, they’re more likely to stay the course, or take even bigger and more risks that they may not be well equipped to take on.



On first contact, narcissists come across as overconfident and so sure of themselves. They actually believe that they are all that, and expect to be loved and cared for as the superior being that they are.



Unlike the rest of us mortals, narcissists don’t think twice about walking up to a man/woman many of us would normally consider outside of our league, and “confidently” start a conversation. How can anyone not be enthralled by them? And because they are so overconfident and self-assured, you end up exchanging phone numbers. At first they are very charming (as long as you “behave”), but you quickly realize that you crossed paths with the emotional torture-master/queen.



Nothing you do is ever right or enough. Even something as simple as not responding within the time frame or manner the narcissist believes someone “interested” or “in love” should respond ticks him/her off, prime time. How can you be so insensitive, lack common courtesy, have no “class” etc (narcissist’s language translation: how can anyone treat me with all my greatness, wonderful-ness, amazing-ness, fabulous-ness, irresistibility etc. like this?).



What began as a whirlwind romance with the “most wonderful” man/woman in the world is now torture chamber. You’re unhappy, miserable, and your self-esteem… forget about self, esteem. You don’t have one anymore.



Then one day you decide you have had enough and try to remove yourself from the situation or relationship. If you thought “the relationship” was a nightmare, hell’s gates just opened wide. The ticked off narcissist will text or call you obsessively just to yell at you, call you names, threaten you etc. He/she will even call you narcissistic because how dare you treat “HIM/HERSELF” like that. How dare you not appreciate that someone so good looking, smart, successful, charismatic, superior etc. took interest in you?



Because narcissists see the world in terms of “ME” (the great, wonderful, amazing, fabulous, irresistible, superior one) versus them (mediocre sub-humans), even an average or decent rejection seems more like crushing defeat. Frustration, sarcasm and self-righteous anger is their natural reaction to anyone who dares question or challenge their “superiority”.



If you are wise, you’ll cut off his/her every access to you. And if you’re lucky, someone else will catch his/her attention, and you will finally be free! But you’ll be reeling from the impact of their wrath for years. And they won’t apologize for the damage they inflicted on you because as far as they’re concerned, they had to put you in “your place”.



And while these days, we tend to call everyone we don’t like or breaks up with us “a narcissist”, you can tell a real narcissists by the trail of broken, traumatized and even depressed men and women they leave behind them.



The most dangerous thing about narcissists is that they don’t even know they are narcissistic. Even those that recognize the traits in themselves will downplay, dismiss or deflect their personality disorder. Many never seek help. Why would they?



If are in a relationship with a narcissist, use every little bit of courage you have and leave before you’re damaged beyond “repair”.



If you have successfully removed yourself from the jaws of a narcissist, for the sake of your very soul, don’t go back. Don’t try and get him/her back however much it breaks your heart to just walk away from the best sex you ever had, from the glimpses of “the caring person inside”, and from what seems like your only chance at “true happiness”. It’s just an illusion. Wake up.

Fall In Love In 30 Minutes or Less!

Yeah-right!.....Sucka



If you clicked on this article hoping to find magic words to say to make someone instantly fall in love with you, or some kind of love spell to cast on that not-so-interested man or woman, I am sorry to disappoint you.



I am old school on this one: You can’t hurry love. No, you just have to wait. Love don’t come easy. It’s a game of give and take. You got to trust, give it time.



But just how long does it take for someone to fall in love? And at what point do you say, “OMG! I can’t believe it’s happening to me!”



I personally don’t believe any “Love Expert” can tell you with 100% certainty just how long it’ll take for someone to fall in love. If anyone tells you they know exactly how to make someone love you forever in 30 or even 90 minutes, get a clue. It’s Kool-Aid!



There is no magic number of minutes, weeks, months or years for when people fall in love. If we’re talking about attraction based on sexual chemistry, then Scientists claim it takes a man just 8.2 seconds to “fall head over heels”; and a woman 15 seconds to decide if she wants to fall in love or not.



Explains why I fell in love twice today — at the supermarket! [Don't get any ideas, I am kidding. This woman is taken!]



The point I am trying to make here is that we fall in love with someone that we have known for a while. The process of “falling in love” happens in stages for most of us (with the exception of the emotionally immature or unhealthy who fall in love with just about anyone — and too quickly).



The first stage of falling in love is the one I just talked about above; one based on sexual chemistry. Keep in mind, “sexual” is not necessarily about “sex” but rather about the energy that drives sexual attraction. The second stage is when we realize just how unique and special the person is; and the third is when we have convinced ourselves that we’re happier and more fulfilled with that person in our lives.



A majority of men stay far too long (and some even get stuck) in the first stage of falling in love, while women tend to merge stage two and three into one, making it look like women fall in love in only two stages. My guess is that the biological clock has something to do with it.



Bottom line, there is no one-size-fits-all length of time for someone to fall in love. Some people “know” that the person is right for them as soon as they set eyes on that person (love at first sight). Some of these men and women who fell in “love at first sight” report feeling an unexplainable sense of having known the person before (soul mates). That think/feel knowledge is then confirmed with more information gathered after getting to know the person for some time.



It would be really nice if all of us were that fortunate to have someone fall in love with us at first sight, but that doesn’t happen to the vast majority of people in this world. For the rest of us, you can’t hurry love. Love takes time. All you can do is nurture the feeling of attraction and help the other person move through the stages of falling in love. How soon they can do that depends on the individual — and his or her issues!

WAYS TO GET YOUR EX BACK in 10

You did the soul-searching, tried the “time apart” thing, dated some other lackluster women… and have finally come to the realization that things ain’t gonna get any better than this. You made a huge mistake when you let her go. And now, you want her back.



It’s not necessarily too late to rekindle the love with your ex, but don’t get rash and make any mediocre moves. You want to do this right—and reengage with caution. So here,10 tips on how to approach her for Round Two.



Should I Try To Get My Ex Back?>>>



1. Reconnect with a text. Sometimes absence makes the heart grow fonder—but other times, it causes that heart to seek out another man. So, don’t call first. “Try sending a sweet text, not one that will make her think you’re looking for a booty call,” says dating expert Julie Spirea. “Think about something that you shared together that might warm her heart.” Example: Was listening to the radio and heard that Coldplay song. Brought back memories of the concert together. Hope you’re doing great? If she responds, she may be open to rekindling the spark.



2. Take it slow. You romanced her once already, but that doesn’t mean you get to go from zero to 60 without even getting behind the wheel. So propose getting together—not moving in together. Says Seattle-resident Adria, who took her ex back after a nasty breakup: “He apologized out of the blue after three months of no contact and was very respectful of me. He wasn't pushy about getting back together, which would have been a red flag in my eyes.”



3. Call her, maybe. So far, so good? Great. Suggest a casual date by phone. No texts. No emails. Let her hear your voice and register some sincere effort on your part. “See if she’d like to join you at an art gallery opening, see a movie, or a hike on a sunny day,” says Spirea. “It will give you the chance to get together in a relaxed environment, without too much pressure.” But remember, accepting your invite is just that—and not a sure sign she wants to get back together. If she turns you down, give her space. “Don’t beg, cry, or stalk her,” Spira says. “If it’s meant to be, she’ll come around on her own time-table.”



5 Ways To Keep Your Relationship Alive>>>



4. Tell her you miss her. If she accepts your date invite, ease in. Ask what she’s been up to, how work is going, if her dog is still peeing on the couch—whatever. Then, say you want her back. Vulnerability will up your odds of a second chance; just don’t rip the Band-Aids off every old wound. “Open your heart and see how she reacts,” Spirea says. “You don’t need to talk about everything that went wrong in the relationship. She knows, you know—keep the conversation light.”



5. Own up. If she seems open, and you want to step up for another at-bat, acknowledge your shortcomings. “If you did something hurtful, make a real apology,” Frances says. “It might be wise to see a therapist to clarify what you did and why, and how best to sort of the problem.” Then, no matter what she did, you need to take responsibility for you—and change. If you weren't willing to extend an effort to get to know her friends before, tell her you’d be game for drinks as a group. (Yeah, that’s right. Swallow your pride.)



 6. Avoid rehashing the past. After you’ve acknowledged the problem, look ahead. “Don’t go down memory lane and hash out all the things you thought were wrong with the relationship,” Spira says. Focus on the positive qualities that brought you together in the first place, like that same crazy sense of humor, or the way your laid-back personality complements her type-A tendencies.



7. Use the friend group. While you want a new beginning, you should still tap back into those old loving feelings. And an easy way to recreate happy times is to meet up in a safe, familiar environment—like an outing with your mutual friend group. Just make sure you can easily break off from the pack to talk. Alisha, from San Antonio, TX, had an ex take that approach—and it worked. “We were telling stories, joking and laughing together. It was comfortable, fun. Then my ex pulled me aside and asked me if we could give things another try. We talked a lot about our futures, and I felt things could really work.”



Is There a Safe Way To Escape The Friend Zone?>>>



8. Don’t compare notes. Look, forget that relationship-station hiatus even existed. You both up and went on with your lives while you were apart—but that doesn’t mean you need to talk about what went down. “She doesn’t need to hear about the bad dates you went on,” says Spira,“ or about your conquests either.” Would you want to hear about the guys who took your place? Didn’t think so.



9. Tap your romantic side. While chivalrous acts aren’t the most important thing, they are important. Chocolates, cards and flowers (sent to her office so all her co-workers can get green with envy) are time-honored clichés for a reason: they kind of work. But here’s how to make it a legit, not cheesy, gesture. “Write a love letter,” says Frances. “Tell her why you love her and what it is about her that makes her completely special. It’s OK to rip off lyrics or poetry. Send the letter with flowers. Good, old-fashioned courtship works.”



Do Women Really Want Chivalry?>>>



10. Buy a ring. Relax. This advice isn't for everyone, obviously. But if you’re absolutely positive about this girl, the ultimate bold move has had unparalleled success, says Frances. “Most of the time, the split is about commitment issues, so you've got to be coming back with terms she’ll be happy with.” And even if you’re not ready for the ring? You can learn something here: You have got to step it up and have a plan for the relationship. Period. No woman will rekindle a romance that’s not moving her forward…at least a little bit.

My Ex Turned Me Down For A Date,

First of all I want to say thank you so much for your  website. I was doing NC but after Reading your posts, I texted her with a “just wanted to say hello”. She replied immediately saying it was good to hear from me. We hadn't talked for 3 weeks, so I was really happy when she responded right away. I waited a couple of days then emailed her asking her about her son and mother who live with her. She again replied right away and contact progressed quite rapidly from there. Me mostly initiating it and asking her about her life and giving her hints about me becoming a better person.



This is where I think I messed up. After not hearing from her for 3 days I panicked and emailed her asking if I had said anything to upset her. The following day she replied saying I had not upset her, she was busy but thought about me. I took that to mean she was warming up to me and so I emailed her back asking her if she would like to do lunch. She responded the same day thanking me for the lunch invite but said may be sometime down the road. I emailed her back saying that'll be great. It’s been a week and I haven't heard back from her. She did say in her last email “let’s keep in touch”. So here is my question, how should I proceed from here?



Answer: First of all congratulations for getting this far. I wouldn't call it “messed up.” You acted out of panic, fear and desperation and it got you off track somewhat. But what’s done is done. Beating yourself over what can’t be undone only gets you stuck and unable to think clearly and creatively.



She did say “may be sometime down the road” and not “never” (or worse), so that’s good. She also said “let’s keep in touch.” I suggest you send her a simple “I hope all is well with you” and in it ask about something she’s mentioned to you in your previous exchanges about a person/something that really matters to her (her son, mother, work, interest etc). This is to help create a sense of continuity that has been temporarily disrupted by the “too soon lunch invite”. My experience is that if she still wants to keep in touch, she'll respond to your question about the person/thing that matters to her. Most people are touched by someone remembering something specific that means a lot to them. Also add a little update on yourself but make sure it’s something worthy mentioning, otherwise you'll look like you're grasping — and that’s not good.



She may or may not respond right away, but that’s okay. You have to train yourself not to expect instant gratification and let things be. Continue following the steps in the book. Until things really warm up, postpone asking her out just yet. All the very best…

Men Overestimate Women’s Interest

The more attracted you are, the more likely you are to be wrong about a man or woman’s interest, says a new study that will appear in an upcoming issue of Psychological Science, a journal published by the Association for Psychological Science.



The study involved 96 male 103 female undergraduates, who were put through a “speed-meeting” exercise — talking for three minutes to each of five potential opposite-sex mates. Before the conversations, the participants rated themselves on their own attractiveness and were assessed for the level of their desire for a short-term sexual encounter. After each “meeting,” they rated the partner on a number of measures, including physical attractiveness and sexual interest in the participant. The model had the advantage of testing the participants in multiple interactions.



The results revealed that men looking for a quick hookup are more likely to overestimate the women’s desire for them. And men who think they are hot also think women are hot for them. Interestingly, the men who were actually attractive, by the women’s ratings, did not make this mistake. The more attractive the woman was to the man, the more likely he was to overestimate her interest. And women tended to underestimate men’s desire too.



“There are two ways you can make an error as a man,” says Williams College psychologist Carin Perilloux. “Either you think, ‘Oh, wow, that woman’s really interested in me’ — and it turns out she’s not. There’s some cost to that,” such as embarrassment or a blow to your reputation. The other error: “She’s interested, and he totally misses out. He misses out on a mating opportunity. That’s a huge cost in terms of reproductive success.”



The researchers theorize that the kind of guy who went for it, even at the risk of being rebuffed, scored more often — and passed on his over-perceiving tendency to his genetic heirs. The casual sex seekers “face slightly different adaptive problems,” says Perilloux. “They are limited mainly by the number of consenting sex partners — so overestimation is even more important.” Only the actually attractive men probably had no need for misperception.



The research contains some messages for daters of both sexes, says Perilloux: Women should know the risks and “be as communicative and clear as possible.” Men: “Know that the more attracted you are, the more likely you are to be wrong about her interest.” Again, that may not be as bad as it sounds, she says — “if warning them will prevent heartache later on.”



The study is entitled, “The Misperception of Sexual Interest.”

Who Wants To Date A Nerd.

“They don’t know how to dance, they don’t know how to dress, they don't even know how to talk”, say McDermott’s daughters who went to school with engineers.



So Mr. Jim McDermott, chief human capital officer of the United States Nuclear Regulatory Commission decided he'd do something about it.



”When we're hiring, we say, ‘Is there a significant other in the picture?’ If there’s no significant other, I tell them, ‘We can help.’ ” McDermott is said to have told a crowd of human resources officials at the November 17th, 2009 HCMF Conference in Arlington, Va.



“Nuclear engineers may know how to split atoms, they're not quite so adept on the dating front”, McDermott said. While the stereotyping (don’t know how to dance, dress, or talk) bit makes me a little uncomfortable, I think Mr. McDermott has a very valid point.



Instead of making “nerdy” guys meet the dating standards and expectations of pop culture in order to compete for dates with the “smooth talking airheads”, this lets nerds be themselves and do what they do best.



I happen to think that there will be millions of women who’ll be thrilled to be introduced to nerdy intellectual guys who can derive an equation correctly or work out the flight dynamics of an airplane, provide a good living for a spouse, and also do magic in the bedroom without having to pretend to be a social butterfly.



Of course, there are successful or even very intelligent men who are not considered nerds or geeks, and there are women who are not necessarily looking for a spouse who can provide a good living, but hey, the more opportunities for love and happiness, I say, go for it!



Like McDermott or hate him, this here gives a whole new meaning to job satisfaction!

He/She Is Emotionally Challenged

Some of us get into relationships where we're pretty much destroying our self esteem because we ignored initial warning signs that the person we're attracted to is an emotional train wreck or ticking time bomb.



Very often we are swept off our feet by the physical, mental or sexual attraction only to end up heartbroken, angry, bitter, revengeful or caught up in an emotional roller coaster.



These five warning signs will help you tell if someone is an emotional train wreck or ticking time bomb.



1. Has shallow emotions – He/she is quick to share too much early in the relationship or say “I Love You” or want to marry or commit to you. Typically, in less than a few weeks of dating you’ll hear that you're the love of his/her life, he/she wants to be with you forever, and he/she wants to marry you. You'll be showered with all the benefits of instant attraction, endearing names and overwhelmed with attention and promises.



Remember the old saying “If it’s too good to be true, it probably is (too good to be true)!” The rapid warm-up is always a sign of shallow emotions which later cause him/her to detach from you as quickly as he/she “committed”.



2. Cannot handle unpleasant emotions – In the first few dates you will frequently hear stories of what others do or did to him/her and how “evil” the world is etc. But these stories quickly turn to what you are doing or not doing that is hurting him/her emotionally. The relationship becomes one of blaming, accusing, arguing, explaining yourself, defending yourself, trying to talk him/her into feeling differently about this or that etc. You feel like you are constantly walking on eggshells because you are.



People who can’t handle unpleasant emotions are easily overwhelmed emotionally. Most hold grudges, cling to bitterness, cannot handle frustration, criticism or rejection. They also “punish” you and try to make you “pay” for how they feel (as far as they are concerned, it’s your fault they feel this or that!).



3. Shows no emotions – From the very first date, he/she will toy with your emotions -e.g. shows up late, promises to call you but doesn’t, agrees to meet and “forgets” to call you to cancel, “forgets” things that are important to you etc. Most of the time you feel uncertain where he/she stands with regard to his/her feelings for you. When confronted, he/she may admit that he/she really has no feeling towards you – and does so very coldly.



Most of these people speak with a boring almost zombie-like monotone, which is their emotional give away. It says they find it hard to get excited about anything — including you. Coldly put, they are emotionally bland and cold.



4. Prone to emotional outburst (short fuse) – The signs are there in how he/she treats a waiter/waitress, customer service people, others drivers and even perfect strangers. He/she is clearly letting you know that he/she has that ability and capability – and that it might come your way. There will come a time when he/she has no one to let out his/her temper on and you are the obvious soft and easy target. And it is not just men. Women may not necessarily be physical with their temper, but every sentence she speaks and the many lies she can invent are just as hurtful as physical abuse – if not more hurtful.



5. Uses emotions to manipulate - He/she creates situations in which he/she becomes the center of attention, even if it’s negative attention. He/she constantly exaggerates or distorts things to dramatic proportions. Some people even go as far as playing the persecuted victim, feigning or exaggerating illness or causing or inviting injury (e.g. shows up with bruises and cuts and expects you to feel bad for him/her and even take care of the injury) etc.



You find yourself spending all your time trying to make him/her feel good about him or herself. The more attention you give the more schemes he/she comes up with. It’s like trying to fill up a bottomless pit!



Take some words of wisdom from someone who’s been there… if it doesn't fit, don't force it. Even if you are the most kind, loving and emotionally solid person in the world, being around someone who is emotionally challenged for a period of time eventually gets to you. The worst part of it all, they still think it’s your fault!

Before You Give Up On Your Ex

I receive so many blog questions, and also work with so many men and women who are in relationships where on an average day, they fluctuate between should I stay or should I go, should I fight for him/her or should I give up. One day they write me telling me they do not think the relationship is going any where, they are not happy, they do not feel loved by this person and can not get him or her to open up. They are ready to quit because they believe they deserve better – deserve to be loved.



The next day I receive yet another email saying they love this person so much and think things will work out. They tell me their ex is trying and they know (in their own way) he/she loves them. They want to give the relationship another chance. But two days later, I get yet another email saying “It’s over. I can't take this anymore”. The email is this long and very emotional. It all about how angry they are with the other person for “leading” them on or how angry they are with themselves for loving someone who obviously does not love them back. Some of them go as far as saying the person they are with is not capable of love because he/she is selfish, emotionally detached, has serious “issues” from childhood, is insecure, is a womanizer, is inadequate in bed, in not intelligent and all that stuff…



By now you know the drill, one week later they are so much in love and want to fight for the person they love…



What makes people do this to themselves?



People who have an emotional need for love and acceptance while fully aware of their needy words and actions often think they are acting that way because of the other person. In their minds, if only the other person wasn’t selfish, hadn't been abused as a child, wasn’t on depression medication, and sometimes if it wasn’t for the “other” man or woman, etc,everything would be okay.



Many of these people feel like they are at the mercy of the other person or of their circumstances. Some have had a lifetime of feeling emotionally helpless or powerless, and as a result do not know how  to make their needs known or ask for what they need without coming across as entitled to the other person’s time, attention, support, love and affection.



Others have discovered that there are benefits to feeling sorry for themselves, and for blaming others or external circumstances for their needy actions and reactions. It means that they do not have to take any responsibility, change, take action or do anything to change their current situation.



Instead they try even harder — focusing exclusively on the other person’s “issues” or needs. They turn themselves inside out to make the other person like or love them, and give more “love” than the other person wants them to. When this does not work, they become contemptuous, mean and even hostile. For many this is the time they tell themselves that they are ready to quit because they deserve better and want better. That only lasts a few hours, days, weeks or months. The craving for attention, affection or love eventually comes back, and they go back to the only person they think can give them what they need and try to squeeze the love out of their ex. But when that does not work… should I go on?



What do you then do if you find yourself in a love-hate relationship with your ex?



You can do one of the following:



1) Cut off all contact with your ex, and hope that this time you'll really walk away for good. Or;



2) You can try to make the relationship work.



I’ll probably get a lot of grief from “victims” of selfish, emotionally detached, emotionally unavailable, jerk, narcissist, gold-digging etc exes, for even suggesting that a love-hate relationship can actually work. But I know first hand that they can — and they do.



If you feel that you don’t want anything to do with your whatever-ex, that okay too. Just keep in mind that this article is not for you. This article is for those people who want to make it work.



Love-hate relationships are hardest to make work or walk away from because love and hate are probably the two strongest emotions known to mankind. They are also the most passionate, and addictive.



The probability that the relationship will survive a love-hate phase is very low, and it takes a lot more work to make these kind of relationships work.



On the other hand, if you can make it work, the probability that your relationship will be more fulfilling than starting with someone new is very high. There is just something about overcoming great obstacles together that makes a relationship even more “special”, even feel like “it was meant to be.”



So if you are not yet ready to walk away (for good), and are willing to give your relationship a real chance, here are four steps that you need to follow:



1- Take responsibility for your powerlessness and/or helplessness



Much of the helplessness and powerlessness many of us feel comes from how we think about a situation. We are either focusing too much on the things we can not control or change (e.g. our ex’s “issues”, feelings and their responses) or, avoiding what we need to do to change.



But while blaming factors outside of your control gets you off the hook, the price you pay is the inability to create the reality you desire and want.



Even in a situation where it seems like your ex is calling all the shots, and all you can do is wait for your ex to decide what happens, you control a lot more than you think or know you do. You control YOU.



You control what you say. You control what you do. You control how you react. But most of all, you control how you think.



Next time when something “happens” that makes you feel like you have no say in the matter, examine your thoughts about it. What are you telling yourself to avoid taking any responsibility for what happened before, what is happening now and what may happen in the future?



If what you are telling yourself makes you feel helpless and/or hopeless, consciously decide to change your thinking from “I don’t know what else to do” to “I may be able to do something “.



This is not about just changing from negative to positive thoughts (sometimes you need a little dose of the “negative” to keep yourself realistic), but changing your response from feeling like you have no control over a situation to finding a solution that can change your current situation.



Some of my clients have told me that by just examining how they are thinking about what is happening, they can clearly see how trying too hard is turning off their ex.



2 – Stick to a course of action long enough to see change



Most needy and clingy people operate almost solely on emotion alone. Not only do emotions obscure their sound judgment, emotions by their very fluctuating nature make it hard to stick to any particular course of action.



The worst thing you can do to your chances of getting your ex back is be seen as not sure, or don’t know what you are doing to make the relationship work.



To show that you know what you are doing, don't try to do too much too soon. This is especially important when dealing with an ex who is not very responsive. Small consistent actions get you further than big drastic emotion-driven decisions — like cutting off all contact and two weeks later coming back claiming you want to give the relationship another chance. It doesn't inspire the kind of trust that communicates confidence in what you are doing.



It is important to keep in mind when setting up your personal improvement and growth goals and actions, the end goal is not to block any and all emotions — you do need your emotions for your heart or gut feeling decisions. The goal is to make sure that your decisions are not influenced by fear, worry, anxiety or attempts to manipulate your ex.



3 – Manage your communications effectively.



Your ex not only wants to know that you know what you are doing, he/she wants to be convinced that the relationship will work. He/she wants to know that there will be a pay-off for him/her trusting you enough to give you another chance.



To be convincing you have to be able to communicate the pay-off in a specific language. The words you use can create unnecessary conflict, escalate already existing feelings of resentment, or they can defuse conflict, prevent an argument, or warm up your ex’s heart, again.



As mentioned is Part 1, when you are needy and clingy, most of the time what you say or do is not received by your ex the way you intended. Often times, the more you try to explain what you actually meant, the more needy and clingy you appear to be. What started as a text to explain a previous misunderstanding ends up with 30 texts that made things worse.



To avoid these kind of “misunderstandings”:



i) Identify the ways in which your language contributes to your ex’s defensiveness or resentment towards you.



This is not easy as those words you shouldn't have said often come out in the heat of emotion. What I've found works for my clients is thinking back to a more recent argument, fight or situation that unintentionally went from bad to worse. What did you say that made your ex more defensive or unresponsive? Try to avoid using the same words or tone of voice.



ii) Use simple sentences, be brief and don't overstay your welcome.



This is especially hard when it feels so good to be talking to your ex again, and things seem to be going on so well. But if you have that love-hate dynamic going on, you know too well that the high will be followed by a low.



To avoid hitting the low, know when to end the conversation — usually on a high note. This keeps the lines of communication open and makes it easier to build momentum because you are not re-starting contacts every few weeks.



4- Try at least three times



There is no magic number for how many times you should try to get back your ex. My advice is: for an ex who is not responsive, try at least three times to make sure it’s really over. For one who is open to contact even if reluctantly, keep trying for as long as you can keep doing it.



But as mentioned in my other articles and book, persistence is not just a matter of stubbornly refusing to give up, or an excuse to make your ex’s life miserable.



i) You have to make the necessary changes that make you attractive to your ex, again.



ii) You have to have a good plan.



iii) You have to keep the lines of communication open and connect with your ex beyond “Hi, what’s up?” or “How’s your day”.



iv) You have to be consistent in your words and actions, and be seen as committed to making the relationship work.



v) You have to know how hard to push and when to step back and let things unfold naturally.



Last but not least, you have to know when it’s time to give up. That point when you know it’s time is not always black-and-white clear. What I find helps is keeping track of your progress. If after three months of doing all the above, you are exactly where you were when you began, then may be it’s time to give up.