Travis S. Miller's Blog, page 4

That Friend Isn’t Just A Friend

Oct. 2, 2013 — New research by Albright College associate professor of psychology Susan Hughes, Ph.D., has found that men and women alter their voices when speaking to lovers versus friends and that such variations can potentially be used to detect infidelity.



“It’s not just that we change the sound of our voice, but that others can easily perceive those changes,” said Hughes, an expert in evolutionary psychology and voice perception. The findings are included in a new article, “People Will Know We Are in Love: Evidence of Differences Between Vocal Samples Directed Toward Lovers and Friends,” published this month in the Journal of Nonverbal Behavior. The study is co-authored by Jack LaFayette, director of institutional research at Albright, and Sally D. Farley, former assistant professor of psychology at Albright, who now teaches at the University of Baltimore.



The study looked at how individuals alter their voices, or engage in voice modulation, when speaking to romantic partners versus same-sex friends during brief telephone conversations. Researchers recruited 24 callers who were newly in love and still in the so-called honeymoon period. Callers were asked to phone their romantic partners, as well as a close same-sex friend, and in both cases engage in a conversation asking specifically “how are you?” and “what are you doing?”



Researchers then played the recordings to 80 independent raters who judged the samples for sexiness, pleasantness and degree of romantic interest. Raters were exposed to only one end of the conversation and, in some cases, for only 2 seconds. Still, raters were able to correctly identify, with greater than chance accuracy, whether the caller was speaking to a friend or lover, leading researchers to believe that people will alter their voice to communicate their relationship status.



“Vocal samples directed toward romantic partners were rated as sounding more pleasant, sexier and reflecting greater romantic interest than those directed toward same-sex friends,” according to the article.



Researchers also performed a spectrometer analysis on the samples to examine pitch and found that both men and women tend to mimic or match the pitch of their romantic partners. Women will use a lower pitch, while men will employ a higher one when speaking to their romantic partner. According to the article, this effect “represents desire for affiliation and intimacy” and is a “way to communicate affection and relational connection — ‘I am one with you.'”



Researchers were, however, surprised by the results of the para language analysis. Para language samples are stripped of their content, while maintaining elements such as inflection and intonation. In these samples, raters could sense stress, nervousness and lack of confidence in the voices of callers speaking to their lovers, which could be attributed to the early stages of romantic love.

Thought

A very wise and spiritual man explained to me that relationships are like contracts. Each contract serves a purpose, has limits and was formulated way before we were born on this Earth. Although our ego perceives that these contracts ended "good" or "bad", the key is to know and understand the purpose. Once we know, understand and accept the purpose, once our ego can let go of the emotions then we are free to move on to the next level of our destiny.

Quotes about Lying, Love and Infidelity

Men make deposits; women make investments.

Unknown

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Having your heart broken is the easy part; knowing when to move on is the challenge.

Travis s Miller 

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Only those who trust can find love and happiness.  And only those who love can be betrayed.

  Travis s Miller 

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The cruelest lies are often told in silence.

Robert Louis Stevenson

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We always deceive ourselves twice about the people we love - first to their advantage, then to their disadvantage.

Albert Camus

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Deceiving others.  That is what the world calls a romance.

Oscar Wilde

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A truth that’s told with bad intent beats all the lies you can invent.

William Blake

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It takes two people to create a successful relationship.  It only takes one person to make it fail.

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A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.

Saki

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Betrayal can only happen if you love.

John Le Carre

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The one charm about marriage is that it makes a life of deception absolutely necessary for both parties.

Oscar Wilde

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Never tell a loved one of an infidelity: you would be badly rewarded for your troubles.  Although one dislikes being deceived, one likes even less to be undeceived.

Ninon De Lenclos

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People who are brutally honest get more satisfaction out of the brutality than out of the honesty.

Richard Needham

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Bigamy is having one wife too many.  Monogamy is the same.

Oscar Wilde

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Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage.

Ambrose Bierce

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One should always be in love.  That is the reason one should never marry.

Oscar Wilde

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The truth that survives is simply the lie that is pleasantest to believe.

H. L. Mencken

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One is easily fooled by that which one loves.

Jean Baptiste Poquelin Moliere

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The person you marry is not the person you divorce.

Travis S. Miller 

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Those who are faithless know the pleasures of love; it is the faithful who know love’s tragedies.

What Is The Best Way To Overcome Jealousy?

How can I deal with my jealousy?

While everyone gets jealous or suspicious from time to time, experiencing jealousy on a daily basis can be problematic.

When jealousy strikes, people often compare themselves to their rival, they feel threatened, and they imagine the worse case scenario - that their partner or spouse might leave them for someone else.

Not only is jealousy unpleasant to experience, but individuals, who are chronically jealous or suspicious, often misinterpret what is going on - taking what might be an innocent event and thinking about it in the worst way possible.

For example, if a boyfriend or girlfriend does not immediately return a phone call, a highly jealous individual will jump to a negative conclusion (my partner doesn’t love me or my partner is cheating).

Jumping to such conclusions can drive people crazy and it often fuels their suspicion more.

Negative thoughts, doubts, and insecurities often lead to more negative thoughts, doubts, and insecurities.

Not only do highly jealous individuals drive themselves crazy, they often drive their partners crazy as well.  Being around a suspicious person is difficult to deal with.  No one likes to have everything that happens turned into a negative event.

Moreover, being with a jealous person is difficult because highly suspicious partners can be overly controlling, needy, and invasive.

As such, it is not uncommon for people who date highly suspicious individuals to pull away from their partners because of all the problems that it causes.

Learning how to deal with jealousy effectively is critical to maintaining a healthy relationship.

On the pages that follow, we offer some specific advice for dealing with jealousy.

• talk about your insecurities

• try to think about events differently

• last resort - try to erase doubts





























Talk about Your Feelings

Typically, the best way to deal with jealousy or suspicion is to talk to your husband or wife, boyfriend or girlfriend, about the issue.

When people are suspicious or jealous, they often try to hide their true feelings from their partners, but ignoring our emotions hardly ever works.  Our feelings get the best of us and influence our behavior whether we like it or not.

So when people experience jealousy, if they do not talk about it, it comes out through sudden mood changes, acting overly controlling, being overly sensitive and needy, causing unnecessary arguments and fights, pointing out a romantic rival’s every flaw, attacking a partner ("why did you do that?"), and so on.

In fact, jealousy sometimes leads people to flirt with others as a way of getting their partner’s attention or showing them just how awful it can feel.

On the other hand, a lot of research shows that talking to a partner about being jealous is the best way of dealing with it As a general rule, when talking about jealousy, it helps to focus on your feelings and not necessarily your partner’s behavior.

In other words, do not blame or attack your spouse or partner because you feel jealous - rather explain how you feel ("Sometimes my jealousy gets the best of me, and I don’t like feeling this way...").

If you can talk directly to your spouse or partner about how you feel, you are less likely to act in ways that create more distance and distrust in your relationship or marriage.  In fact, people often feel closer when they can talk to their partners about their problems in a constructive manner.

Also, you are most likely to get the reassurance that you need from a partner when you discuss your jealousy in a calm, cool manner.  And if your partner gives you reassurances when you are feeling jealous, your feelings will fade over time. 

However, you need to determine if talking about your problem is likely to be productive given your own relationship.  Some people have a difficult time listening to their partners or spouses discuss their problems.  Some people are just more uncomfortable with intimacy and closeness – so talking may not always work 





















Interpret Things Differently

Another way of overcoming jealousy involves trying to think about events that make you suspicious differently.

Again, jealous partners or spouses put the worst spin on everything that happens.  And a lot of things that happen in a relationship or marriage are somewhat ambiguous – events and actions are almost always open to more than one interpretation.

For instance, if a husband or wife, boyfriend or girlfriend does not answer the phone right away - there are many different possible explanations (people are busy, batteries die, calls don’t go through, etc).  Overly jealous individuals, however, jump to the worst case scenario and dwell on it, which just leads to more problems in the long run.

So, when events that trigger jealousy occur, it helps to interpret them in a different light.  Rather than jump to the worst case scenario, why not try to think about the best case scenario?

Learning to interpret events positively, if done consistently, can help individuals overcome their jealousy.

In fact, a romantic partner’s ability to put a positive spin on things that happen is one of the key differences between relationships and marriages that succeed and those that fail.

Putting a positive spin on things, however, is difficult to do because old habits and ways of thinking die hard.  Typically, this strategy is often best accomplished through some counseling 





































As a Last Resort - Try to Gain More Information

Suspicion is often fueled by a lack of information.

Being jealous involves imagining the worst, but not being sure if your feelings are correct.  For some people, the most difficult part of being suspicious does not know what the truth might be.

So as a last resort, one way to deal with jealousy and suspicion involves trying to get to the bottom of things.  In fact, some people have a very difficult time letting go of their suspicions until they have enough information to make up their mind or until they have the answers that they are looking for.

But, the problem with this approach is that the quest for information usually takes on a life of its own.  People seek out information, but they do not know when to stop, and their search only fuels their suspicion even more.

With this in mind, what are some guidelines for trying to get to the bottom of things?

To begin with, asking a lot of invasive questions is usually not a good way to go about discovering the truth.  If husbands or wives, boyfriends or girlfriends, are trying to hide things from you, they are not likely to tell you about it simply because you ask.

There are much better ways of getting romantic partners to be more forthcoming.

Second, many people resort to snooping.  But, snooping raises some ethical issues.  But, if you do snoop on your partner, try to set a reasonable time limit – a week, a month, or whatever, given the issue at hand.

It is important to set a strict time limit and keep to it.  Otherwise, your search will just lead to a never-ending quest for more information, which only fuels suspicion even more.

If you do not discover anything within the time limit then try to let it go.  If you are still suspicious, remind yourself that you tried to get the truth and discovered nothing - you gave it your best shot and came up empty-handed.

On the other hand, if you do discover something, at least now you can deal with a real problem rather than spend your time worrying about what might be.





















What is the Best Way to Talk about Problems?

When problems arise in a relationship, couples are often told they need to "communicate" - or talk to each other.

In many cases, however, couples do not know how to talk about problems and communication only makes the situation worse.

For the most part, there are two basic ways of talking about problems: Direct Accusation versus Problem Identification (described below).  Unfortunately, most couples use Direct Accusation rather than Problem Identification when trying to resolve conflict.

The idea that Problem Identification is a better way of solving problems draws upon Gibb’s work on defensive and Cupach and Canary’s work on conflict management.  Cupach and Canary’s book is a great resource for dealing without conflict.

Direct Accusation – Focus on Partner’s Behavior

When upset or angry, many people confront their spouses by focusing on their partner’s behavior.  These accusations can be made directly “I am upset because you…” or even in the form of a question “why did you…?”

The motivation behind making such accusations is typically to change a spouse’s or partner’s behavior.  People believe that if they get upset and point out their partner’s mistakes, things will change.  This rarely works.

If you accuse a partner of wrongdoing, partners typically:





• get defensive – fight back or withdraw (stop listening)

• offer an (insincere) apology designed to stop your attack

• hide and conceal similar behavior in the future

The long term outcome of directly confronting a partner is:

• increased distance

• less understanding and greater dissatisfaction

• the lack of a genuine resolution

• increased future conflict

A more effective approach involves focusing on one’s feelings, not a partner’s behavior.

Problem Identification – Focus on One’s Feelings

A better way to resolve relationship problems involves focusing on one’s feelings, rather than blaming a partner for what happened (even if, your partner deserves blame).

It is easier for a partner or spouse to hear what you have to say when you focus on your own feelings and not dwell on his or her mistakes.  For example, if your spouse has a habit of coming home late – rather than make a direct accusation – “I hate when you’re so late – why do you do that?” – It helps if you can focus on your feelings instead “I am feeling sad and a little frustrated.  I sometimes feel lonely when you are not home.”

When trying to discuss a problem - it’s important not to assign blame.  Even saying something as simple as "It makes me feel uncomfortable..." can come across as an accusation - leading to a defensive response.  Phrasing a concern as "I feel..." rather than "It makes..." is a more effective way of solving problems.



Your motivation for dealing with problems this way should be to get your partner to hear what you have to say.  If you can get your partner to understand your point of view, you are much more likely to create a meaningful and lasting resolution.

By focusing on your feelings instead of your spouse’s behavior, partners are more likely to:

• listen to what you have to say

• empathize with your position

• discuss the problem in a constructive manner

And there are many benefits of approaching relationship problems with this way:

• increased closeness, satisfaction and understanding

• greater potential for resolution and change

• less future conflict

Simply put, directly confronting a partner often leads to greater resistance, more conflict and deception.  Of course, it is easier to get angry and make accusations, but doing so rarely leads positive, long term outcomes.











The Power of Forgiveness

All relationships face their difficulties.  At some point or another, a spouse or partner is going to betray your trust.  It is how you deal with acts of betrayal that matter the most.

Being able to forgive a partner for his or her transgressions is the key to a successful relationship.

How does forgiveness work?

Forgiveness is tough.  It involves letting go of negative feelings about a partner’s misdeeds, not seeking revenge or holding a grudge, and viewing a partner in a positive light (see, Waldron and Kelley).

Not being able to forgive a spouse or partner creates distance, leads to feelings of anger and isolation, and it can have a negative impact on your health (see, Lawler-Row).

How exactly do you forgive a partner when they have done you wrong?







Express/Acknowledge Anger

The first step in the process of forgiveness involves expressing your anger and having it acknowledged.  It is important to express how you are feeling.  If you don’t express your true feelings, they are likely to resurface, making forgiveness difficult to do.

Expressing your feelings, however, does not involve attacking a partner.  Even though your partner has betrayed your trust, it is important to focus on how you feel and not what your partner has done.  Explain how hurt, angry, and disappointed you are, but do not bring up how disrespectful or inconsiderate your partner has been.  By focusing on your feelings, rather than assigning blame, your partner is more likely to hear you out.

Expressing your feelings is only one part of the equation.  Expressing emotions is most useful when your partner acknowledges your pain.  Your partner needs to validate your feelings and take ownership for what went wrong.  For forgiveness to happen, your partner needs agree with your point of view and offer an apology.  It helps to hear, “I hurt you.  I was wrong.  I am sorry.”

This is not the time for your partner to be make excuses or offer explanations.  Offering excuses will only minimize your pain and comes across as being insincere.  If a partner starts to offer excuses, ask her to stop.  Tell him that you need to feel understood before you can move on.  Be direct about what you need.  If you ask your partner, “How could you do this to me?” – Ideally, you should hear him say, “I am sorry.  I put my needs ahead of what was best for our relationship.  It was a stupid thing to do.”

Contextualize the Problem

After your feelings have been acknowledged, it is time to make sense of what happened.  Now is the time to ask questions and hear your partner’s side of the story.  Explanations can and should be offered, but only when you are ready to hear them.

Hearing a partner’s side of the story needs to play out on your timetable.  You were the one that was harmed; you need to regain control over the situation.  Do not give that power away until you are ready - until you can truly hear what your partner has to say.

Forgiveness happens when you can see the situation from your partner’s point of view and reflect on the incident in light of the entire context of your relationship.  Forgiveness works when you see that your partner is a good person at heart - a person who just happened to make a hurtful mistake.  If you personalize the problem, that is, you view your partner in a negative light, rather than viewing their actions negatively, forgiveness will be hard to come by.

It helps to keep in mind that everyone makes mistakes.  No one is perfect.  Caring, loving people do very hurtful things.  The more you can view what happened as an isolated incident, the easier it will be for you to forgive.

If your partner is repeatedly betraying your trust, however, forgiveness may not be an appropriate response.  Relationships are supposed to add value to your life.  If your partner is consistently putting his or her own needs ahead of your own, it might be time to reevaluate what you are doing.

The basics of forgiveness?  Your feelings need to be acknowledged, your partner must accept responsibility, and you need view what happened in overall scheme of things.

Genuine forgiveness keeps relationships healthy and strong.

Problems with Forgiveness - An Attachment Perspective

Forgiveness can be more difficult for individuals who have an insecure style of attachment.

Anxious Individuals

If you have an anxious style of attachment, that is, you worry about not being loved; granting forgiveness can be difficult.

Because of their fear of being abandoned, people with an anxious style of attachment have a difficult time expressing their feelings.  Anxious individuals are often reluctant to express how they truly feel because they fear it will push their partners away.

When anxious individuals do expression their emotions, however, they tend to do so in a less constructive way – they tend to blame their partner for treating them poorly.  Both of these behaviors make it more difficult for anxious individuals to have their feeling validated, which is important when trying to work through forgiveness.

Because anxious individuals also experience more intense emotional reactions to betrayal, they have a difficult time seeing the situation from their partner’s point of view.  Anxious individuals’ intense feelings often get in the way of reflecting on what happened.  They are less able to view the incident in terms of the big picture – as an isolated incident rather than a consistent pattern of behavior.

If you are dealing with an anxious individual, it can be helpful to offer reassurances.  Tell them that it is okay to express their emotions.  Encourage them to disclose how they are feeling and let them know that you will not love them any less for doing so.  It also helps to tell anxious individuals, that expressing emotions constructively makes couples grow closer.  Helping an anxious partner share their feelings will make it easier for them to work through their problems.

Overall, anxious individuals have a more difficult time forgiving partners and experiencing the benefits that forgiveness can provide.

Dismissing Individuals

Dismissing individuals, people who are more uncomfortable with intimacy, downplay their emotional reactions.  Dismissing individuals have a tendency to dismiss or deny their true feelings.  This is often a protective response.  By denying their emotions, dismissing individuals can avoid intimacy and protect them from feeling vulnerable.

It can be difficult for dismissing individuals to forgive a partner because they are reluctant to discuss their emotions.  It can also be difficult to get dismissing partners to disclose their feelings.  Dismissing individuals prefer distance to closeness in their relationships.  Resolving problems creates intimacy, which dismissing individuals would rather avoid, so they have little motivation to work problems out.

However, if a dismissing individual does express his or her emotions, it is usually done to push a partner away.  Dismissing individuals often display hostility and contempt for their partners after experiencing a relational betrayal.  Such emotional expressions are not done in an attempt to work problems out, but to create distance in a relationship.

If you are a dismissing individual, please keep in mind, that learning how to deal with disappointment and anger constructively is important.  Although you may be uncomfortable letting your guard down; intimacy provides real benefits.  Dismissing individuals receive less social support, experience more health problems, and are generally less satisfied with life.

If you are dating a dismissing individual, it might be best not to push them to disclose their feelings.  Trying to get a dismissing individual to talk about their feelings takes away their sense of autonomy.  As a result, they are more likely to shut you out and push you further away.  When dealing with a dismissing individual, it can be helpful to let them work through their emotions in their own way and at their own pace.

Rebuilding Trust in a Romantic Relationship

On the pages that follow, we provide specific advice for rebuilding trust in a close relationship.

Before going over these steps, it helps to understand what's at stake.

What benefits do people get from having a close, healthy relationship?

For starters, being in a romantic relationship provides many physical benefits – individuals in close relationships live longer and enjoy better health outcomes than people who lack such relationships.  This gain is undoubtedly due to the fact that people in close relationships have a built-in emotional and physical support system – someone to care for them and provide comfort in times of need.  Not only do people in close relationships live longer, but they report being happier and more satisfied with life than individuals who fail to find a companion.

Second, having a romantic relationship provides many resource benefits.  Sharing resources with another person is a great way to get ahead in life.  Two people working together can live better than one.  When you have someone close to share and trade resources with, you come out ahead.

Third, people in romantic relationships receive more social support; that is, having someone who is attentive to your needs and concerns.  Having social support translates into many other beneficial outcomes.  People who know that someone supports them make better decisions in life with less stress and anxiety.

Fourth, having a companion often makes life more enjoyable.  Having someone with whom to share life's little things, like walking the dog, watching TV, eating meals is important; it enriches the experience itself and people report having a higher overall quality of life when they have someone to share it with.

Fifth, relationships are useful because partners monitor each other's potentially destructive behavior and make attempts to stop each other from doing things that may be harmful.  For example, individuals in close relationships often try to get their romantic partners to quit smoking, drink less, curb their drug use and so on.

Finally, people in romantic relationships have sex more often than single people do.  Having sex on a regular basis is important for one's well-being.

All told, romantic relationships provide enormous benefits to people lucky enough to find someone to love and someone who loves them in return.

On the pages that follow, the specific steps to building trust are discussed followed by readers' comments:

• create understanding

• apologize effectively

• explain point of view

• make promises

• follow through on promises

• discuss how promises are being kept

• issues of timing

• final considerations







Rebuilding Trust Requires Understanding a Partner's Feelings

The loss of trust is a very painful experience.  It often involves a lot of hurt, confusion, anger, and sadness.

Dealing with these emotions is critical when trying to rebuild trust.  When upset, we want our partners to understand our point of view - to understand our feelings and emotions.

Having a spouse or partner understand how we feel is important.  Having a partner understand our hurt and pain helps us move beyond such negative feelings.

If a partner does not take the time to make us feel understood - we try to get even - we try to make our partners feel as bad as we do.  Even though it sounds childish, when someone does not understand our pain - we try to make them feel our pain.

Often partners do not take the time to make us feel understood because they do not know how to do it or because they get defensive (feel under attack).

When accused of wrongdoing, people often try to...





• apologize

• offer excuses and explanations

• withdraw

• Or even attack back....

These strategies do not work very well in the long run because they fail to create real understanding.

When trying to build or repair trust - it helps to see the situation from the other's point of view.  Try to understand why the other person is so upset - directly acknowledge his or her feelings ("you are angry, hurt, confused") and interpretation of the situation ("and, you have every right to be upset, because what I did was wrong.")

You basically have to agree that your partner's feelings are legitimate and fair - let the other person know that you get it.  If you can do this, trust is going to be much easier to regain.

If you can make someone feel understood when they are upset, they are more likely to...

• calm down

• forgive you

• feel closer

• Listen to your side of the story...

If you don't take the time to understand your partner's feelings, rebuilding trust is much more difficult to do.



How to Give an Effective Apology

When trying to rebuild trust - it helps to give the right type of apology at the right time.

Unfortunately, most people do not know how to apologize or say "I am sorry."

Typically, people make the mistake of apologizing too quickly.  People say "I am sorry" at the moment they are caught in a lie or caught doing something wrong.  Apologizing too quickly - especially when in trouble often comes across as being insincere.

It looks like you are saying "I'm sorry" as a means of appeasing a partner.  It does not come across a thoughtful or meaningful gesture.  Rather it looks like you are simply trying to protect yourself from harm.

Apologies work best when given after some thought and consideration.  Especially, after you have made your partner feel understood - that is, after you explicitly acknowledge how your partner's feelings have been hurt.

Giving the right type of apology is also important.  Often people apologize and then immediately offer an excuse ("I am sorry, BUT...").  Tying an excuse or explanation to an apology tends to take away from its impact.

The best way to apologize is to say you are sorry for the harm you have done and leave it at that ("I am sorry I hurt you by... I was wrong.").  It is best to let an apology stand on its own.

It is ok to offer an explanation, but only when one is asked for.

Saying "I am sorry" at the right moment and in the right way is important because it leads to 

• more forgiveness

• more good will

• greater intimacy

• less punishment

• and greater trust















Rebuilding Trust - How to Explain Why Things Went Wrong

If you are the person who has done something wrong, usually a partner will want to know why you did what you did.

Giving an explanation for one's behavior is important when trying to rebuild trust.  Partners need to understand why things happened the way they did - without a reasonable explanation, partners often feel out-of-control and it is much harder for them to move on.

With that said, there are some useful guidelines when trying to explain one's behavior.

First, explanations generally work best - after a partner's feelings have been acknowledged and a sincere apology has been given.  When caught doing something wrong, people often try to explain their behavior before their partners are ready to hear their explanation.  There is a time and place for everything - the best time to give an explanation is when a partner asks for one.

When people give an explanation too quickly - it often looks and sounds like an excuse - a way of getting out of trouble.

Second, explanations work best when given in a constructive manner - that is, when they focus on the feelings underlying what happened without blaming a partner for what happened.

For instance, if you lie to your wife to go golfing with your buddies because golfing takes time away from the family... and you get caught - when giving an explanation it is best to focus on your feelings.  "I did not want to feel left out.  Or I was worried that the guys would not respect me if I did not play..." Explanations that focus on feelings work better than those that focus on a partner's behavior - "I lied because you are always trying to control how I spend my time."

Or for example, if caught having an affair, focusing on your feelings works better than blaming a partner for the situation "I felt neglected, lonely, not need..." rather than "the kids get all of your attention and time."

Explanations that focus on the feelings work best because they are easier for a partner to hear.  Ultimately, giving explanations, at the right time, helps partners who have been wronged get what they need: their sense of control.













How to Make Promises When Rebuilding Trust

After feelings have been shared, apologies given, and explanations offered the next step when rebuilding trust involves making promises.

People who have violated their partners' trust need to make explicit promises about their future behavior.  These promises need to be:

• mutually agreed upon - both parties must be satisfied with the promises offered

• reasonable - promises need to involve things that one can actually live up to (broken promises are one of the worse things that could happen when trying to rebuild trust)

• explicitly clear - both parties should double check their understanding of the promises being made

• related to the betrayal that occurred - promises about future behavior need to be related to how trust was violated

For example, a husband who has been caught lying to his wife to play golf with his buddies on the weekend might have to promise to spend every Saturday morning for the next month doing things with the family.

While not the entire fine details of the promise need to be discussed - the basics (how, when, where, what) need to be understood, agreed upon, and worked out.





Importance of Keeping Promises When Rebuilding Trust

Promises made must be kept when trying to rebuild trust.

Breaking a promise while trying to rebuild trust can bring back of all of the old feelings of betrayal, anger, and disappointment.

In fact, breaking a promise while trying to rebuild trust can do even more damage than the original transgression.  Breaking a promise at this time shows that even when on your best behavior you cannot keep your word - you cannot be trusted.

If you break a promise, the whole process has to start again and it will take a lot more time to fix.

When trying to rebuild trust - it is best to under-promise and over-deliver.









It's Important To Discuss How Promises Are Being Kept

Not only is it important to follow through on one's promises, but it is helps to talk about it as well.

When trying to rebuild trust, it helps to discuss how you are keeping your word.  It helps to make an explicit connection between promises that were made and how they were kept.

Having such discussions shows that you are serious about rebuilding trust and putting in the effort to get it back.











Timing Can Be Difficult To Manage When Attempting To Rebuild Trust

When trying to rebuild trust, it helps to realize that there will always be two different perspectives on the amount of time it will take.

If you are the person who has been caught lying, trying to get a partner to trust you again will always take longer than you think it should.  If you are not the person who has been hurt, you tend to focus on all the energy and effort you are putting into making things right.

By focusing on all the things you are doing to make things better - it seems like you should be making more progress more quickly.  But, it doesn't work that way.  It will always take longer than you think it should, which can be frustrating.  It is important not to give up out of frustration, but instead try to understand where your partner is coming from.

If you are the person who has been hurt, it is natural to focus on your feelings - to experience anger, sadness, and have doubts.  Trust takes a long time to rebuild because our negative emotions tend to stay with us longer than our positive emotions do.  When you find yourself focusing on your negative emotions, it helps to think about all of the things your partner is trying to do to make things right again.  Trying to focus on the positive and not the negative makes it easier to get trust back.

In short, rebuilding trust can be very frustrating for both parties because partners do not move through the process at the same pace.  There is not much you can do about this, but it helps to keep this in mind.



















Final Considerations about Rebuilding Trust

Trust is easy to lose and hard to regain.

Rebuilding trust requires a lot of understanding and commitment from both sides.  But without trust, or taking immediate steps to get it back, our relationships far apart quickly there are steps you can take to improve your relationship.

A lack of trust often leads to more suspicion and harmful discoveries only putting our relationships in even greater danger.

As such, it helps to rebuild trust before relationships pass the point of no return - when feelings of anger and betrayal run too deep to repair.

Recovery with the Discovery of Infidelity

The pain and shock of discovering a partner's infidelity can be one of life's most traumatic events.  As such, it should come as no surprise that it often takes several years for couples to effectively repair a relationship after infidelity comes to light.

Some things to keep in mind about surviving infidelity:

• Many couples are able to recover from infidelity and can develop a stronger relationship with more intimacy and closeness.

• Several factors influence how successful couples are at saving a relationships after an affair:  the quality of the relationship prior to the discovery of infidelity, both partner's commitment to making a relationship work, effective communication skills, and counseling are critical to successful recovery.

• The true motivation underlying infidelity can sometimes be hard to identify.  As such, couples may come up with explanations which do not adequately explain what happened.  If this is the case, the underlying problem does not get addressed and cheating is likely to happen again.  Even ending a relationship may not resolve the problem because infidelity can often follow individuals into their next relationship.

• Serial cheating is much more difficult to resolve than a onetime affair as it is often linked to personality characteristics, which can be very difficult to change.

• While infidelity often occurs in healthy relationships, infidelity can also be an indicator of larger relational problems such as a fundamental incompatibility or a lack of love and companionship.

Stages and Advice for Dealing with Infidelity:

Stage 1 - Trauma of Discovery

Romantic relationships are built, in part, on positive illusions.

Discovering infidelity shatters those illusions, it creates a lot of uncertainty, and it raises fundamental questions such as:

• Who are you?

• How could you do this to me?

• What is our relationship about?

The initial shock of discovering an affair and the uncertainty it creates, often leads to the following reactions: depression, anger, shame, obsessive thoughts, dwelling on the details of the affair, inability to concentrate, and monitoring a spouse's every move.

The best way to deal with these initial reactions is to discuss one's feelings in a supportive, non judgmental environment.  An environment where someone will simply listen without offering knee-jerk reactions or advice.

Advice is typically not useful at this point in time, as people are too emotionally distraught to think clearly or make decisions that are in their best interest.  Having someone who will listen, however, is important.  Feelings become less intense and less intrusive when they are shared with people who care.

As such, it may not be useful to express one's disappointment with a spouse at this point in time.  Immediately after the discovery of an affair, cheating spouses are probably unable to listen and provide support.  And sharing such intense, emotionally charged feelings with a spouse may create a defensive reaction - a denial of what happened, an attempt to shift the blame, or withdrawal.  Unfortunately, such responses are only likely to intensify one's negative feelings.

As a general rule, sharing feelings with someone who is not willing (or able) to listen often has the opposite effect - unacknowledged feelings become more powerful.

Ultimately, support groups, individual counseling, family, friends, and message boards can be very useful when dealing with the initial shock of infidelity.

Stage 2 - Relational Trajectory

After the initial shock has subsided, it helps to make an assessment of how both partners want to resolve the problem.  Is there a genuine concern, expressed by both parties, to try and save the relationship?

Or is one side ambivalent about how they feel or confused about what they want to do?  If so, how will this ambivalence get resolved?  To save a relationship after infidelity, it requires two people working toward the same goal.

Again, individual counseling is often useful for couples who are ambivalent about their feelings or are uncertain about the future of their relationship.

In some cases, a post-nuptial agreement may be worth considering.  Is a cheating spouse willing to demonstrate his or her commitment to the relationship by putting their financial assets on the line?

The following use of a postnuptial agreement was shared by a viewer:

"I've also seen an attorney about a post-nuptial agreement including very harsh terms.  If he signs it, I stay and start to re-build trust, and part of this rebuilding is the fact we (my daughter and I) will be financially protected if this happens again.  If he doesn't sign it, it shows he isn't committed to making the marriage work and the marriage is over".

Post-nuptial agreements, however, should be used cautiously.  A commitment to the relationship works best when it is based on mutual desire.  Forcing a partner to make a commitment to the relationship, even if it is done in writing, does not carry the same weight as a commitment which has been freely given.

Stage 3 - Repairing a Relationship and Restoring Trust

If both parties decide that they want to try and save their marriage, the next phase is the most difficult.

To begin with, it requires understanding the motivation underlying the affair and taking steps to change the factors which led the unfaithful partner to cheat.

People often lack insight into their own behavior, and if they do understand why they cheated, they often do not want to disclose this information with a spouse - thinking that doing so will only cause more problems.  However, if the real issues are not identified, they are less likely to get resolved.

And by approaching this problem as a couple, it can empower a spouse, who has been cheated on, by providing a sense of control.  Working together to fix the problem can bring back a sense of certainty or reassurance, which is important when trying to restore trust.

In addition to identifying the motivation underlying the affair, it is essential to candidly discuss the details of what happened.  Again, most cheating spouses attempt to hide the details of the affair, thinking that telling the truth will only lead to more problems.

But, concealing the details of the affair, often leads to lingering questions, which if not addressed, are unlikely to go away on their own.  And if questions linger, it can be nearly impossible for a spouse not to dwell on the incident.

Revealing the truth can be painful, but it is necessary when trying to move forward.

Both of these issues, identifying the motivating factors underlying the affair and discussing the details of what happened, are difficult for most couples to manage.  These tasks require tremendous insight and effective communication skills.  If these two issues are not handled effectively, it can lead to further problems - more anger, resentment and frustration.

Given the skills needed to work through these issues effectively, couples counseling is almost always needed 

Signs of a Cheating Husband or Wife

What are the warning signs of a cheating spouse?

Use the form below to see the types of behaviors that are often associated with cheating based on type of relationship you have with your spouse.

I also offer some practical advice about looking at such lists:

• Signs of cheating are not necessarily the same thing as proof of cheating.  Without proof, few cheating spouses will admit the truth.

• Human perception is biased.  Any behavior, or change in behavior, can be interpreted in many different ways.  If you trust your spouse, you're likely to overlook obvious signs of infidelity.  But, if you're suspicious, you are more likely to notice signs of cheating everywhere you look (even if they are not there).  These lists can become like a Rorschach test, where people see what they want to see.  With this in mind, it may be wise to approach these lists with some degree of caution.



Take a Look at the Five Different Warning Lists:

• physical infidelity only - spouse had a one night stand

• polite disengagement - spouse doesn't want to hurt you

• hostile disengagement - spouse wants out of the relationship

• confused disengagement - spouse loves you and someone else

• feeling trapped - spouse wants out, but feels resigned to stay

• Signs of infidelity - a list generated by my readers.





Sexual Cues Only - Warning Signs of Sexual Infidelity

Unfortunately, there are very few signs that a spouse is just having a sexual affair -- an encounter that entails no emotional involvement; essentially, a one night stand.

• Unaccounted for use of erectile dysfunction medications (e.g., Viagra)

• Unaccounted for use of birth control (e.g., missing condoms)

• Unexplained discovery or loss of items of clothing

• Unexplained hiding of clothes or sudden interest in doing the laundry

• Unexplained stains in underwear

• Unaccounted for or unexplainable loss of time

And on some occasions:

• a temporary increase or sudden interest in having sex

• a sudden change in sexual behavior (e.g., wanting to experiment, etc.).









Polite Disengagement - Warning Signs of Emotional Cheating

The following behaviors may indicate that a spouse is in love with someone else, but still has feelings for you.

• May seem to need more space, privacy, autonomy, or time to self

• May seem bored with you, family, work, or home life

• May seem emotionally distant or checked out

• May not say “I love you” as much or express affection

• Less excitement to see you or enjoyment to be around you

• May express concerns about being in love or the relationship

• May seem reluctant to make future commitments and plans

• May offer excuses about not planning future trips, vacations, and family visits

• May try to avoid conflict, fighting or arguments

• Less interest in having sex or sex is less passionate

• May feel like your partner is going through the motions or seem distant during sex

• Less expression or sharing of feeling

• Sudden changes in schedule is making it difficult to spend time together

• Partner may seem depressed, distant, confused, or caught day dreaming

• Unusual mood swings

• Unusual phone activity or text messaging

• Suddenly keeps cell phone away from you

• May try to fix perceived insecurities (e.g.  lose weight, workout, new clothes)

• May be more difficult to reach or get a hold of than before

• Phone calls might not be returned right away

Essentially, a spouse or partner who acts like this may be in love with someone else, but does not want to hurt you.































Hostile Disengagement - Warning Signs of Emotional Cheating with Intent to Leave

The following behaviors may indicate that a spouse is trying to end a relationship due to an affair.

• More willing to pick fights, arguments, and conflicts

• Less forgiving, understanding, and accepting

• Very critical, hostile, or maybe abusive

• Not sharing new information or feelings

• Reluctant to do things together or spend time together

• May become less gentle, polite, or concerned

• Little, or no, interest in sex

• Sex becomes more physical than emotional

• May refuse to have sex

• Develops interest in new activities, hobbies, or interests

• Sudden changes in clothing, exercise routine, and other self-improvements

• Suggests that things are not working or that there are problems

• May mention that how he or she is not happy or satisfied

• May forget anniversaries, birthdays, and special occasions

• Unwilling to make future commitments and plans

• Changes in work habits, schedule, and spending of free time

• More conflict over money and finances

• Disinterested in things around home and family

• Loss of interest in doing things together or spending time together

Essentially, a spouse or partner who acts like this may be in love with someone else and is looking for a way out.



















Confused Engagement - Warning Signs of Emotional Cheating

The following behaviors may indicate that a spouse has feelings for you, but is also in love with someone else.

• Drastic mood swings and may seem emotionally unstable

• Partner seems distracted, confused, detached, or distant

• Alternates between sexual interest and lack of interest

• Sex may be much more emotional

• May suggest new things sexually then loss interest

• Exaggerated displays of affection and love followed by quiet periods

• Overly affectionate and passionate at times

• Increased expressions of love

• Sudden changes in clothing, appearance, or interest in getting in shape

• Sudden change in habits, hobbies, or schedules

• Increased reference or talking about the third party

• Unusual phone activity or text messaging

• Suddenly keeps cell phone away from you

Essentially, a spouse or partner who acts like this may be in love with two people and very confused about what to do.





Feeling Trapped - Warning Signs of Emotional Cheating - No Way Out

The following behaviors may indicate that a spouse is in love with someone else, but does not see a way to get out of his or her marriage.

• Seems annoyed, frustrated, or unhappy

• Quick to display anger, hostility, criticism, and perhaps abuse

• Lack of interest in sex or affection

• Less intimacy, sharing, talking, and disclosures

• May be difficult to start fight with partner, because he or she does not care

• Spouse or partner does his or her own thing and becomes indifferent to doing things together

• Frequent time out of the house and away from home

• May miss or cancel events with you

• Little regard for your feelings, wants and concerns

• You may feel like you are being avoided, ignored, or dismissed

• Will avoid having sex – just goes through motions or lack of interest

• Does not respond to “I love you” or other forms of affection

• Sudden need for privacy, space, autonomy, or freedom

• May fight more over money

• Little interest in things around the house

• Develops active life outside of home and relationship

• Spends a lot of time on the computer, phone, or text messaging

• Unavailable, unpredictable, and hard to get a hold of

• Erratic changes in work schedule

• Sudden change or concern with appearance, interests and hobbies

• Forgets anniversaries, birthdays, and special occasions

Essentially, a spouse or partner who acts like this may be in love with someone else, but does not see way out of their current relationship.















How to Catch a Cheating Spouse

How can I find out if my husband or wife, boyfriend or girlfriend is cheating on me?

It can be very difficult to catch a cheating spouse.

Understandably, most people do not know how to investigate a spouse.  Tips, resources and advice to help you discover the truth can be found at the.

If you want to catch a cheater, it often helps to understand the nature of the problem at hand.

Why is it so difficult to catch a cheating husband or wife?

Catching a cheating partner is difficult because cheaters have an unfair advantage when it comes to infidelity.  In fact, most infidelity goes undetected, or unproven, because the rules of the game tend to favor those who cheat.

How does this work?

Exploiting Trust

Most people have a strong desire to believe what a partner has to say.  Trusting a partner creates a sense of security and comfort.  No one really wants to think that a spouse may be lying, especially when it comes to infidelity.

Rather than assume the worst, it’s often easier to believe a "pleasant lie" than to acknowledge a "devastating truth."

In fact, some people work very hard to overlook a spouse’s infidelity, because to acknowledge the alternative is much too painful.  This helps explain why the spouse is typically the last to know.

Cheating spouses take advantage of this.  Cheaters often exploit their partner’s desire to trust by telling their partners exactly what they want to hear ("I would never cheat on you.").

Signs of a Cheating Partner

Cheating spouses not only exploit their partner’s desire to trust, but there are few hard and fast signs of infidelity.

Cues of infidelity vary widely, from situation to situation, and from relationship to relationship; making it impossible to provide a list of behaviors that is useful with a high degree of accuracy.  Though in hindsight, the warnings signs are always obvious.

In fact, there are so many "telltale" lists of infidelity cues that it is hard to know what to believe.

Given all the different lists that exist, it helps to keep the following in mind.

Providing a list of the signs of cheating is often counterproductive.  First, any given behavior is open to multiple interpretations.  Does a spouse’s sudden interest in losing weight signal infidelity?  Could it be due to some other reason?

The explanation for any behavior is never as clear-cut as we would like to believe.

Furthermore, looking for signs of infidelity tends to fuels one’s suspicion.  For instance, does your spouse clear his or her call log after each call?  Dwelling on such matters tends to make people more suspicious.  The way people generally handle their suspicion ends up helping a cheating spouse.

Suspicion Tends to Help Cheaters

Suspicion is a very strong emotion and it’s difficult to hide.  Suspicious individuals tend to signal their doubts by making accusations, acting anxiously, being overly inquisitive, and so on.

A cheating spouse’s worst fear is getting caught.  So, cheating spouses constantly monitor their partners for signs of suspicion.  If a cheating spouse detects suspicion, he/she will adjust his/her behavior to better hide and conceal the affair.

Simply speaking, suspicion tends to help cheaters cheat more effectively.  If your spouse is cheating, and you signal your doubts and suspicions, it’s going to be much more difficult to discover the truth.

When you put it all together, cheaters have the advantage: Both, trust and suspicion, tend to work in their favor.

So, how can you catch a cheating spouse?

If you suspect infidelity, do not confront your spouse until you have proof.

While it is helpful to talk to partners about most relationship problems, this is NOT the case when it comes to infidelity.  A cheating spouse will almost never admit to infidelity, unless presented with evidence to the contrary.







Along the same line, while there are many tactics that you can use to get a partner to be more truthful, these tactics fail to work when it comes to infidelity.

Despite these problems, there are several practical methods for catching a cheating spouse.

All of these methods rely on some form of surveillance and careful observation.  While these methods can raise some ethical issues, they also tend to be very effective.

These methods allow you to establish proof of an affair.  No matter what your situation might be, there is most likely a way to discover the truth.













What Counts as Cheating?

In a very broad sense, cheating involves betraying a partner’s expectations about the type of contact they have with others.

When a husband or wife, boyfriend or girlfriend, violates one’s expectations about what is appropriate, people feel betrayed.  Keep in mind that relationships are not based on logic, but they are influenced by our emotions.

Accordingly, cheating is difficult to define because people differ in the type of contact they feel it is appropriate for a partner to have with someone else.

For example, some people believe that it is unacceptable for a partner to:

• Flirt with others

• Engage in sexual talk with someone else

• Exchange personal e-mails or text messages

• Deny being married or in a relationship

• Spend time with specific individuals

• Engage in specific types of contact – sleeping in the same bed with another person

• Purchase intimate gifts and presents for others

• Chat online with someone else (online affairs)

• Have sexual contact with someone else (physical infidelity)

• Become emotionally involved with someone else (emotional infidelity)

• Develop a crush or feelings for another individual

• Share their most private thoughts and feelings with someone else

• Become best friends with someone of the opposite sex

• And the list could go on and on....

Again, the main point is that individuals differ in what they consider to be an acceptable form of contact with other people.

At one extreme, some couples think it is acceptable to have sex and fall in love with someone else, while some people view flirting with another person as being inappropriate.

Cheating is complex because the definition varies so wildly.  However, when someone violates a partner’s expectations, the emotional outcome is the same – their partner feels betrayed and rejected.

Cheating is also problematic because couples rarely discuss exactly what their expectations are.

So in any given relationship, what one person considers to be acceptable may differ from what a partner thinks is appropriate.  Many problems arise in relationships because people do not see eye-to-eye on this issue.

And to make matters more problematic, many people do not like to define what counts as cheating.  Many people prefer not to define what counts as cheating because by keeping the rules vague and ambiguous, it makes it easier to cheat.  If you don't know what the rules are, you really can't break them – or so people like to think.

It is a lot easier to deceive one’s self, and a partner about cheating, when the rules are not clear.

Why Do Men and Women Cheat?

Infidelity or extramarital affairs have been extensively studied over the past two decades.

Basically, when it comes to infidelity, two related explanations have been given.

The first explanation is probably the most well known: Spouses cheat because of problems in their relationship - something is missing, passion has faded, partners feel lonely, people find someone who treats them better or who appreciates them more than their current spouse, and so on.

Simply stated, people claim that they are not happy in their relationship so they look for love and affection elsewhere.

The second explanation is more detailed in nature.  This explanation ignores the reasons that people "give" for cheating and looks deeper into our human nature.

The second explanation explores what it means to be human and asks, "why is being faithful to a spouse so difficult for many people to do?"

Probably the best way to think about these two explanations is to view them as two sides of the same coin.

One explanation looks at what people "say" about infidelity, while the other explanation looks at "how and why infidelity" occurs.

Together, both explanations give us a more complete picture about infidelity, love and romance.













On the pages that follow, these specific issues are addressed:

• coming to grips with infidelity

• making the decision to cheat

• role of sexual desire

• who is likely to cheat

• how to prevent infidelity



























Coming to Grips with Infidelity

Again, a lot of research has been done on the topic of human sexuality, especially infidelity.

Unfortunately, most of the evidence indicates being faithful to a single romantic partner over the course of one’s lifetime is difficult to do.

And while not everyone will stray, it is estimated that 30 to 60% of husbands and wives will cheat on a spouse at least once during the course of their marriage.

To understand and come to grips with infidelity, it helps to examine the following questions in detail:

• How do people make decisions about their sexual behavior?

• What is the role of "will power" or "self-control" when it comes to infidelity?

• What motivates our sex drive?

• What makes it so difficult for men and women to be faithful?

• Why do people cheat, but then expect or demand their partners to be faithful?

• Why are some men and women more likely to cheat than others?

• What can be done to prevent infidelity?











How Do People Make the Decision To Cheat?

To start with, human sexuality is incredibly complex.  Decisions about our sexual behavior are typically not planned in advance.  Few people intentionally plan on committing infidelity (at least not the first time it happens).

When making promises to be faithful, most people are serious and have every intention of keeping their word.

But while people generally have the best intentions when making such promises, human behavior is not always governed by the fact that vows were taken and that promises were made.

When it comes to making decisions about love and betrayal, logic and reason have a difficult time competing with our emotions for control.  So from time to time, our emotions influence our behavior and lead us down paths we had no intention of traveling.

In fact, three separate emotional systems are involved in cheating - sexual desire, romantic love, and attachment.  And often these distinct emotional systems pull people in different directions.

The movie, Unfaithful, does a great job of portraying how infidelity occurs.  In this movie, Diane Lane’s character plays a happy housewife, who cheats on her husband, because of a chance encounter with an attractive stranger.  Her emotions, in particular, her sexual desire, gets the best of her resulting in decisions which even she finds appalling.

In short, most infidelity occurs, not because it is planned, but because people find themselves in situations where their emotions overwhelm them.

What types of situations influence our emotions and bring out the worst in our behavior?

• Being close or interdependent on someone other than one’s spouse

• Being around someone who is sexually interested

• Spending a lot of time one-on-one with someone else

• Not feeling close or connected to one’s spouse (e.g., feeling lonely, being upset or angry with a spouse, etc.)

• Situations that create the sense of opportunity - the feeling that one will not get caught (e.g., meeting someone in private, out of town trips, etc.).

• Situations involving alcohol or drugs

When placed in these types of situations, one’s emotions often prompt people to act in ways which are contrary to what is right.  On occasion, poor decisions get made.  Unfortunately, for many people, it is very difficult to always be in control of one’s emotions when placed in these types of situations.

What about "will power" or "self-restraint?"

Research shows that "will power" or "self-restraint," alone, does little to change or influence our behavior.

In fact, some cultures have decided that individual "will power" and "self-restraint" can not be trusted.  Some cultures have made the decision that the best way to prevent infidelity is to make sure that the situations listed above do not occur - essentially, controlling situations is the best way to control behavior.

In western cultures, however, we place greater value on individual responsibility.  We do not collectively try to prevent these types of situations from occurring.  Rather we allow situations to happen, but then we hold individuals accountable for their behavior and we expect people to behave appropriately.

Individuals are supposed to exercise their self-restraint and have the will power to control their emotions and their actions.

Unfortunately, for many people this does not work.

Perhaps a somewhat related example will help bring home this point.

Relying on will power or self-restraint also fails to work when dieting.  The very same problem occurs - people make promises and vows they can not keep.  More often than not, will power and self-restraint are not enough to control one’s weight.  To diet successfully, more drastic measures are often needed.  Successful dieting often requires a change in lifestyle, environment, social networks, and sometimes even surgery.

Of course, there are some important differences between dieting and trying to be faithful to one’s spouse.  The consequences of cheating are much more severe than the consequences of failing a diet (most people admit to failing a diet, but not to cheating).  In any case, people do struggle with these issues and making promises alone typically does not result in a lasting change.

Overall, infidelity, like many other human behaviors, is difficult to control.  Being faithful to a spouse is more complicated than simply making promises to do so.

Being faithful to a spouse often requires avoiding situations which bring out the worst in our behavior...





Role of Sexual Desire

Part of the reason why infidelity is so common stems directly from our sexual desire.

Our desire for sex, whether we are conscious of it or not, is one of lives most basic and fundamental needs 

To begin with, we want to apologize for coming across as sexist.  But when talking about sexual desire, some sexism is involved.  There are some sex differences between men and women.

And for the most part, our sexual desire influences a lot of our behavior and we are not always aware of its influence.  

For example, why are most women so concerned about their appearance – looking young and beautiful – even putting on make-up to enhance their beauty?  In fact, it is estimated that people spend more money on trying to appear beautiful than we do on education.

And why are men so obsessed with status, respect, and success?  And why are they so concerned about their height?

People care so much about these issues because they are directly linked to our sexual behavior.





Why is sex so important?

Because whether we like to acknowledge it or not, our sexual desire underlies much of what we do.

The long story, told short:

For a more detailed discussion about how evolution shaped our human nature,.

Otherwise, here is an abbreviated version:

Evolution shaped human behavior – how we think, feel, and behave.  And most of the time we are not aware of the motivations that influence our behavior – life kept many of the factors that influence our behavior hidden from us (we don't really need to know why we do the things we do, just as long as we do them).

But, evolution rewards life forms that survive, reproduce and help relatives get ahead.  So evolution rewarded humans that were sexual in nature – we are all the descendants of individuals who were driven and motivated to act on their sexual impulses.  Accordingly, people today are stuck with the sexual desires which drove our ancestors to reproduce (and this process went on for millions and millions of years).

And whether we like it or not (again, evolution didn't care that we liked what we were doing, just as long as we did it), cheating is a part of our sexual desire.  For millions of years, people who cheated on their mates reproduced faster than more sexually reserved individuals (cheaters won at the game of creating offspring).  So now the desire to cheat is a universal part of our human nature - something we inherited a long time ago from our cheating ancestors.

This, however, does NOT mean that EVERYONE will cheat; it only means that the tendency to cheat is innate - it’s part of who we are.

So, why do some people act on their desire to cheat while others remain faithful...































Who Is Likely to Cheat

While the desire to cheat is a fundamental, and unconscious, part of our human nature, not everyone will be unfaithful.

Like most of our behaviors, infidelity is not intentional, but, for the most part, it is situational driven.

When placed in the right situation (or wrong situation, in this case), our emotions can get can prompt us to act in ways which are counter to our beliefs.  Please note that some of the factors listed below are drawn from Buss and Shackelford’s work on infidelity.

What factors influence an individual’s willingness to cheat?

Attractiveness



All things being equal, an individual’s attractiveness influences how likely he or she is to cheat.  Attraction comes in many different forms – it is influenced by one’s physical appearance, one’s social skills, and one’s tangible resources (money).  The more one is in demand, the more likely one is to cheat.  People, who have higher incomes, more education, and successful careers, are more likely to cheat than people who are less successful.  Physical attractiveness also plays an important role.

Opportunity

Again, all things being equal, the more individual free time people have the more likely they are to cheat.  Couples who have separate social lives, friends, careers, travel plans, and so on are much more likely to cheat than couples who spend most of their time together.  The more opportunity people have to cheat, the greater the odds that cheating will occur.

Risk Taking

People who like to take risks or have a sense of adventure are more likely to cheat than people who are more fearful or timid by nature.  There is most likely a genetic component involved in risk-taking behavior - some people may be predisposed to taking risks.

Personality Differences

Individual personality traits also play a role in who is likely to commit infidelity.  Individuals who have psychopathic and Machiavellian personality traits are much more likely to cheat.

Power

People in a position of power are more likely to cheat.  Power increases one’s confidence leading powerful individuals to act in more assertive and outgoing ways.  Powerful people are more likely to make direct eye contact, strike a confident pose, and approach potential lovers.  Power influences the likelihood of cheating for both men and women.

Who Is Likely to Cheat

Sexual Desire

Sexual desire varies from person to person.  Some people have a very high sex drive while other people are much less concerned or interested in sex.  People with a high, rather than low, sex drive are more likely to cheat.  Again, sexual desire appears to be influenced by genetic factors.  Some people are inherently more easily aroused and driven by their desire for sex than other people.  People who have multiple affairs are often addicted to the novelty and excitement which infidelity can provide.  Men, more so than women, also tend to have a higher sex drive and are more likely to cheat.

Attitude toward Love and Romance

Attachment and Love Styles

Some people view love and romance as a sacred bond between two individuals.  Other people see love as a game, where the goal is to manipulate another individual and gain emotional power over a partner.  People who view love as a game are much more likely to have multiple love interests; cheating is just another way to gain control over one’s spouse.  Also, people with a dismissing style of attachment, are more likely to cheat.

Relational Problems

As problems emerge in a relationship, people are more likely to cheat.  Infidelity is more common in relationships where people feel misunderstood, under appreciated and where fighting and bickering is common.

Sense of Entitlement

Some people, due to their position in society, their beliefs about gender roles, or their cultural upbringing, believe that it is their right to cheat on their partners.  In other words, some people believe that cheating is a privilege to which they are entitled.  Such individuals, philanders, often engage in infidelity with little guilt or remorse.

What Steps Can Be Taken to Prevent Infidelity?

For starters, many of the things which influence the likelihood that a spouse will cheat are difficult to control.

For instance, it can be difficult to limit how spouses spend their time outside of the relationship – social and work commitments often require spouses to spend a lot of time apart, providing an opportunity for cheating to occur.

And it can be even more difficult to control a partner’s level of attractiveness or a partner’s willingness to take risks – again, both factors that influence how likely a spouse is to cheat.

On the other hand, there are a lot of things that you can do to make your current relationship more satisfying.  And people who are happily married are less likely to cheat.

Why Men Cheat

To be honest, both men and women cheat.  But with that said, men are more likely than women to cheat and there are some differences between the sexes when it comes to cheating.

In order to understand why men cheat, it helps to understand what causes both men and women to be unfaithful.

Why do both men and women cheat?

The science of cheating is clear on this point: Roughly 3% of all mammals, including humans, practice what is called pair bonding or monogamous mating.  However, even within the 3% of mammals that practice monogamy, very few species, including humans, are truly monogamous.  In fact, when it comes to both men and women, monogamy is not our natural sexual strategy.

To make a long story short, for millions of years, the desire to mate with multiple partners was a useful reproductive strategy.  Men and women, who had multiple partners, likely produced more offspring than people who were faithful to a single mate.  Cheating was a strategy to increase reproductive success and diversify risk.  Or think about it this way: investing in a mutual fund (multiple stocks) is, on average, a better financial strategy than putting all of your resources into a single stock.

Because a multiple partner approach was a better reproductive strategy than monogamy, men and women living today are the descendants of people, who had the desire to have sex with more than one person over the course of their lifespan.  Simply put, we have inherited this trait from our ancestors – it is a part of our human nature.  This does not mean that everyone will cheat on a partner or that people are fully aware of their unconscious sexual desires.  For a more detailed discussion on the nature of cheating,.

How are men and women different when it comes to cheating?

While both men and women cheat, there are important sex differences when it comes to cheating.  The sex differences that influence cheating are based on two basic biological differences between men and women

First, men and women differ when it comes to eggs and sperm.  Men can produce hundreds of millions of sperm per day.  By comparison, women are born with a million or so eggs, but only a fraction, roughly one egg released every 28 days over a short period of time - from puberty to menopause - has the potential to create life.  Simply stated, women have about 400 viable eggs to use (and taking into account gestation, only about 20 actual opportunities to reproduce), while men are capable of fathering an unlimited number of children.

The second basic biological difference deals with gestation.  Embryos grow and develop in women, not men.  For men, reproduction can literally take just a few minutes of effort; while for women it involves, at the very least, a nine-month process.

From a biological point of view, men can constantly and quickly engage in reproduction while women are much more limited in their ability to do so.

These biological differences influenced our psychological desires before the invention of modern forms of birth control and still influence our unconscious sexual desires today.  Men are more likely than women to think about sex and fantasize about having sex with multiple partners.  In fact, a multi-billion dollar industry - pornography - exploits this basic sexual difference.

Given this basic biological difference, here are some key differences between men and women when it comes to cheating:

• Men are more likely than women to cheat with someone who is less attractive than their current partner.  Women cheat up while men are more opportunistic when it comes to cheating.

• Men are more likely than women to have a one-night stand.  Women are more prone to having emotional affairs.

• Men are less likely to consider leaving their partners after cheating.  When women cheat, it tends to be more emotionally involved so they are more likely to consider ending their current relationship.

• Men are more likely than women to repeatedly cheat on a spouse or partner 











Why Women Cheat

Both men and women cheat for a variety of reasons – due to problems in their relationship, due to their need for intimacy, or because they have a high sex drive – just to name a few.

But, when focusing on sex differences alone - differences based on biology - men and women cheat in different ways.  Men are more likely to cheat opportunistically.  That is, more often and with someone who may be less attractive or desirable than their current partner?

Women, by comparison, tend to cheat more selectively.  Women tend to be more flirtatious, risk-taking, and act in sexually provocative ways when they are ovulating.  Women are also attracted to more masculine and physically attractive men when ovulating.

The explanation for this behavior is called the sexy son hypothesis.  The argument goes like this: because women are more limited in their ability to reproduce, women who acted in ways that increased their reproductive success - like mating with the best men available when ovulating – were more likely to have healthy and attractive children.  Possessing this trait or tendency would have led to a reproductive advantage, which would have become widespread over the course of human evolution.

In short, men and women are different.  Women are more likely to cheat up while men are more likely to cheat around.

But it also helps to keep in mind, that while there may be sex differences when it comes to cheating – men and women are more alike than they are different.  Both sexes cheat for a variety of reasons.

How and Why We Lie to Ourselves

The ground-breaking social psychological experiment of Festinger and Carlsmith (1959) provides a central insight into the stories we tell ourselves about why we think and behave the way we do. The experiment is filled with ingenious deception so the best way to understand it is to imagine you are taking part. So sit back, relax and travel back. The time is 1959 and you are an undergraduate student at Stanford University…

As part of your course you agree to take part in an experiment on ‘measures of performance’. You are told the experiment will take two hours. As you are required to act as an experimental subject for a certain number of hours in a year – this will be two more of them out of the way.

Little do you know, the experiment will actually become a classic in social psychology? And what will seem to you like accidents by the experimenters are all part of a carefully controlled deception. For now though, you are innocent.

The set-up

Once in the lab you are told the experiment is about how your expectations affect the actual experience of a task. Apparently there are two groups and in the other group they have been given a particular expectation about the study. To instill the expectation subtly, the participants in the other groups are informally briefed by a student who has apparently just completed the task. In your group, though, you’ll do the task with no expectations.

Perhaps you wonder why you’re being told all this, but nevertheless it makes it seem a bit more exciting now that you know some of the mechanics behind the experiment.

So you settle down to the first task you are given, and quickly realize it is extremely boring. You are asked to move some spools around in a box for half an hour, then for the next half an hour you move pegs around a board. Frankly, watching paint dry would have been preferable.

At the end of the tasks the experimenter thanks you for taking part, and then tells you that many other people find the task pretty interesting. This is a little confusing – the task was very boring. Whatever. You let it pass.

Experimental slip-up

Then the experimenter looks a little embarrassed and starts to explain haltingly that there’s been a cock-up. He says they need your help. The participant coming in after you is in the other condition they mentioned before you did the task – the condition in which they have an expectation before carrying out the task. This expectation is that the task is actually really interesting. Unfortunately the person who usually sets up their expectation hasn’t turned up.

So, they ask if you wouldn’t mind doing it. Not only that but they offer to pay you $1. Because it’s 1959 and you’re a student this is not completely insignificant for only a few minutes work. And, they tell you that they can use you again in the future. It sounds like easy money so you agree to take part. This is great – what started out as a simple fulfillment of a course component has unearthed a little ready cash for you.

You are quickly introduced to the next participant who is about to do the same task you just completed. As instructed you tell her that the task she’s about to do is really interesting. She smiles, thanks you and disappears off into the test room. You feel a pang of regret for getting her hopes up. Then the experimenter returns, thanks you again, and once again tells you that many people enjoy the task and hopes you found it interesting.

Then you are ushered through to another room where you are interviewed about the experiment you’ve just done. One of the questions asks you about how interesting the task was that you were given to do. This makes you pause for a minute and think.

Now it seems to you that the task wasn’t as boring as you first thought. You start to see how even the repetitive movements of the spools and pegs had a certain symmetrical beauty. And it was all in the name of science after all. This was a worthwhile endeavor and you hope the experimenters get some interesting results out of it.

The task still couldn’t be classified as great fun, but perhaps it wasn’t that bad. You figure that, on reflection, it wasn’t as bad as you first thought. You rate it moderately interesting.

After the experiment you go and talk to your friend who was also doing the experiment. Comparing notes you found that your experiences were almost identical except for one vital difference. She was offered way more than you to brief the next student: $20! This is when it first occurs to you that there’s been some trickery at work here.



You ask her about the task with the spools and pegs:

“Oh,” she replies. “That was sooooo boring; I gave it the lowest rating possible.”

“No,” you insist. “It wasn’t that bad. Actually when you think about it, it was pretty interesting.”

She looks at you incredulously.

What the hell is going on?

Cognitive dissonance

What you’ve just experienced is the power of cognitive dissonance. Social psychologists studying cognitive dissonance are interested in the way we deal with two thoughts that contradict each other – and how we deal with this contradiction.

In this case: you thought the task was boring to start off with then you were paid to tell someone else the task was interesting. But, you’re not the kind of person to casually go around lying to people. So how can you resolve your view of yourself as an honest person with lying to the next participant? The amount of money you were paid hardly salves your conscience – it was nice but not that nice.

Your mind resolves this conundrum by deciding that actually the study was pretty interesting after all. You are helped to this conclusion by the experimenter who tells you other people also thought the study was pretty interesting.

Your friend, meanwhile, has no need of these mental machinations. She merely thinks to herself: I’ve been paid $20 to lie, that’s a small fortune for a student like me, and more than justifies my fibbing. The task was boring and still is boring whatever the experimenter tells me.

A beautiful theory

Since this experiment numerous studies of cognitive dissonance have been carried out and the effect is well-established. Its beauty is that it explains so many of our everyday behaviors. Here are some examples provided by Morton Hunt in ‘The Story of Psychology ‘:

 When trying to join a group, the harder they make the barriers to entry, the more you value your membership. To resolve the dissonance between the hoops you were forced to jump through, and the reality of what turns out to be a pretty average club, we convince ourselves the club is, in fact, fantastic.

 People will interpret the same information in radically different ways to support their own views of the world. When deciding our view on a contentious point, we conveniently forget what jars with our own theory and remember everything that fits.

 People quickly adjust their values to fit their behaviors, even when it is clearly immoral. Those stealing from their employer will claim that “Everyone does it” so they would be losing out if they didn’t, or alternatively that “I’m underpaid so I deserve a little extra on the side.”

Once you start to think about it, the list of situations in which people resolve cognitive dissonance through rationalizations becomes ever longer and longer. If you’re honest with yourself, I’m sure you can think of many times when you’ve done it yourself. I know I can.

Being aware of this can help us avoid falling foul of the most dangerous consequences of cognitive dissonance: believing our own lies.

Self-Deception, Love and Romance

"The truth that survives is simply the lie that is pleasantest to believe."-- H. L. Mencken



When it comes to love and romance, self-deception can be useful because the truth about our close relationships can be difficult to acknowledge.

Few people always want to know the truth or seek it out.  In fact, many people actively deny the truth until they are forced to deal with it.

We rarely see the world as it really is.  Our perception of the world is biased, our memories betray us, and our true motives can remain hidden.

For better or worse, we constantly convince ourselves of things that are not true.  We kid ourselves about the most basic things in life: Who we are and what is going on around us.

Most of the time we lie to ourselves in order to maintain a sense of control.  After all, no one likes feeling vulnerable or helpless.

All of us experience the world through various filters - most of which are designed to make life more bearable.

In fact, it would be possible to devote an entire website to the topic of self-deception and social interaction.  But for our purposes, we will highlight just a few of the biases that play a role in our romantic relationships.

To start with, please take a look at the following examples.  These perceptual tricks illustrate how we don't always experience the world as it really is.







• selective attention

• imposing beliefs on things we see

• discounting evidence which contradicts our beliefs

• advantages of self deception

• disadvantages of self deception

• more perception tricks

















Selective Attention

We never take in the world as it is.

Rather we are very selective about the things we notice and to which we give our attention.

Most of the world passes us by with little awareness or thought (for review of research on selective attention, see Fiske and Taylor).

Think for a moment about all of the insects that are in your immediate environment.  Do you notice the spider in the corner of the room?  Or the ant crawling across the floor?  Probably not.

People pay attention to certain events while ignoring others.

And there are big differences in what individuals pay attention to.  Have you ever spent an evening with entomologist (person who studies bugs)?  If you have, you would quickly realize that insects are everywhere and that most people simply ignore them.

Or have you ever bought a new car only to suddenly discover it everywhere you go?

And business owners tell stories about changing the color of their building, only to have people, who have walked by their shop everyday for years, suddenly ask - "When did you open?"

Simply put, our take on reality is highly influenced by what we pay attention to.  If you do not pay attention to insects (or have not recently purchased a new car), the world looks somewhat different to you.

And this happens in our romantic relationships as well.

If you are the type of person who is always looking for problems in your relationship, guess what you are going to find?

And on the other hand, if you think that your husband or wife can never do any wrong, guess what you won't see?

Are you a punctual person?

How many times does your husband or wife keep you waiting?

Are you a tidy person?

How often does your boyfriend or girlfriend leave their clothes on the floor?

Are you single, but want to be in a relationship?

Do you see happy couples everywhere you go?

Or consider this, some people are so fearful of rejection, called "rejection sensitivity," that they constantly see signs that their partner is going to leave them (e.g., "you are not paying attention to me; you didn't return my phone call right away.").  Ironically, people who are prone to "rejection sensitivity" can be so difficult to deal with that their partners are actually more likely to leave them (see, Downey and Feldman and anxious attachment).

The examples could go on forever...

But, the important thing to realize that is that none of us see the world as it is.  We ignore most of what happens around us.  Our attention is limited to a very narrow range of events.







We Impose Our Beliefs on the World around Us

When it comes to love and romance, not only do we pay selective attention to certain events and actions, but we also impose our beliefs on what we see.

It is impossible to experience a situation "as it is." Rather we experience situations in light of our beliefs about what is happening.

Simply put, our beliefs influence what we experience.  So, people, who hold different beliefs, experience the same situation differently.

For example, one of our clients “believes” that women everywhere adore him.  As such, he turns every friendly interaction with a waitress, a flight attendant, or an administrative assistant into an ego boost (“Did you see that?”).

On the other hand, if you “believe” that individuals working with the public often treat their customers in a friendly manner, then these interactions take on a different meaning altogether.

And remember, not only do we interpret situations in light of our beliefs, but we only give our attention to certain situations from the start.  In this case, our client only pays attention to the times when women are friendly with him and he ignores instances where the exact same women are just as friendly to everyone else.

So why are we picking on a client?  First, he knows about this example and he finds it amusing.  Second, we are picking on him because it is much easier to see how “beliefs” can influence experience when the experience is not your own.

It is very difficult for anyone to separate their own beliefs from their experience.  To the person involved, one's “biases” are their "reality."

Another example helps illustrate this point:

One of our friends had wanted to buy an expensive leather jacket for years.  The day he purchased his new jacket he wore it out to a club.  As luck would have it, everyone at the club was looking in his direction.  So our friend did what comes naturally; he interpreted the situation in light of his beliefs (“This leather jacket makes me look great – I should have gotten it years ago.”).  Unfortunately, our friend failed to notice that the reason everyone was looking in his direction, was not because of his new leather jacket, but because a celebrity was standing behind him.

Or imagine that you are out for dinner with your husband or wife, boyfriend or girlfriend, and you notice your partner glancing at someone attractive on the other side of the room?  How do you interpret this situation?  Do you find it amusing, threatening, harmless, or annoying?

Again, our experience of any event is not influence by “what just happened,” but by our assumptions about what happened.

Our beliefs may be right, or they may be wrong, or they may be a little of both.

Unfortunately, it is often difficult to separate fact from fiction.  Other people may lie about what happened, but we also misperceive things as well.

To make things even more complicated, most of the events that we experience on a daily basis are ambiguous – most events are open to more than one interpretation.  But, few of us go through life acknowledging this.

Few of us walk around claiming "that was ambiguous, and so was that...” - rather we like to convince ourselves otherwise - “I knew it, I knew it, I knew it...”

Imposing our beliefs on the world takes little energy and effort and it gives us a sense of reassurance.  Trying to discover the truth, on the other hand, is difficult, complicated, and confusing.  For most of us, it is simply easier to impose our beliefs on events than to explore situations from multiple points of view.

And the idea that “beliefs” influence experience is particularly true when it comes to love and romance.

Our “beliefs about intimacy” greatly influence what we experience in our intimate relationships.  Hundreds of studies have shown that individuals will experience the same relational event differently based on the beliefs they hold.

Do you believe that your partner is honest, decent, and caring?  Well, that is what you're most likely seen.

























People Discount Evidence

When confronted with facts or information which contradicts what we believe, rather than change our beliefs, we usually dismiss or discount the evidence.

For instance, most parents believe that their children are wonderful and can do no wrong.  So when confronted by evidence of their son's or daughter's wrongdoing, parents will often go to great lengths to discount the facts – that can't be true “my son or daughter would never do something like that.”

Our judgment is not always guided by reason and logic.  In fact, people often engage in irrational thinking – dismissing evidence in order to maintain a version of the world which suits them.  In some cases, people will overlook medical problems, like dismissing a persistent cough or lump, rather than entertain the possibility that something might be seriously wrong.  The opposite can also happen.  People, who are convinced they are sick, will discount evidence of their health.

Discounting evidence also happens a lot in our close relationships.

For example, people often overlook or discount evidence of their spouse's affair – holding on to the belief that their spouse would never cheat, despite evidence to the contrary.

And the opposite is true as well.

Some people are so convinced that their husband or wife is cheating that they consistently discount evidence of their partner's fidelity.

As a general rule of thumb - our beliefs are just as important, and in some cases more important, than the actual evidence one encounters.

Advantages of Self Deception

A certain degree of self deception is critical when it comes to maintaining a romantic relationship.

Potential problems exist in all close relationships.  People, who put the best possible spin on things, usually handle problems better.

Self deception is useful because it allows people to ignore everyday mistakes, flaws, and failures.  Self deception allows people to see “the best” in a spouse or partner, even when “the best” may not be there. 

Holding such positive illusions helps make a relationship work.

All of the evidence shows that people who are positively self-deceptive about their romantic partners have more satisfying and longer lasting relationships.

Or think of it this way: 

Who would you want to be in a relationship with?

Someone who is slightly delusional and thinks that you are the BEST person around?

Or someone who sees your every flaw and mistake?

People who see the world more clearly, are less happy and satisfied than individuals who engage in positive self deception.

In fact, depression is often linked to more accurate social perception.  People who are clinically depressed have a better read on situations than non-depressed individuals.  But, this accurate social perception comes with a cost – negative feelings, cynicism and despair.

Simply put, people who do not engage in positive self deception are difficult to deal with in a close relationship.  Such individuals are more likely to focus mistakes and dwell on problems.

As such, lying to one's self, to a certain extent, is useful when it comes to love and romance.

Self deception helps couples cope with life's problems, it helps people maintain a positive self-concept, and it helps romantic partners get along better.

















Self-Deception Also Carries Some Risk

While self-deception helps couples see the best in each other, it can also prevent partners from dealing with important issues.

Self-deception can create more harm than good when it limits people from seeing important warning signs, or it leads people to overlook serious problems, or it causes people to put the best spin on everything that happen.

Self-deception is not healthy when it prevents people from dealing with serious issues - issues which are detrimental to one's emotional, mental or physical health (e.g., infidelity, abuse, inconsiderate behavior, a lack of love, and so on).

Unfortunately, there are many examples of people who have built illusions; illusions which end up being costly to maintain in the long run.

To a certain extent, relationships could not survive without some level of self-deception.  But too much optimism or denial can be just as costly.

The trick is to engage in self-deception in order to see the best in a partner without letting self-deception create too much vulnerability.