Travis S. Miller's Blog, page 5

How Can I Get My Spouse or Partner To Tell Me The Truth?

There are a lot of things you can do to encourage a romantic partner to be more forthcoming.

By consistently following the strategies listed in this section, a partner will be more likely to tell you the truth.

But, these strategies are not easy to follow - they take a lot of emotional restraint, concentration and effort.

To begin with, it helps to understand why people lie.

Typically, deceptive behavior is driven by fear - fear of being embarrassed, punished, or even rejected.  And fear is one of our most basic emotions.

Whether we realize it or not, fear works overtime to protect us from harm - it influences a lot of our responses, especially our deceptive behavior.  In fact, even when we claim to lie out of kindness or to protect another's feelings - fear is often lurking in the background.

For instance, when asked to comment on a spouse's or partner's appearance - the common "how do I look" question, white lies are often told - "you look great." Not only do such lies spare another's feelings, but they also protect us from having to deal all the hassles and problems that come with telling the truth.  That is, dealing with a partner's worries, insecurities, frustrations, or even his or her potential backlash.  If you doubt this, the next time you are asked a difficult question - be very candid and pay close attention to what happens.

Realizing that deception is driven by fear is the key to getting people to be more truthful.  Overall, people are more likely to be candid with you when you do things to alleviate their fears.

And there are many strategies that you can use to make people more comfortable telling the truth.  It should be noted, however, that the strategies listed here do not work well when trying to get a spouse or partner to talk about serious matters such as infidelity.

On the pages that follow, the specific strategies for getting people to be more forthcoming with the truth are addressed:

• limit the use of questions

• react calmly to unwelcome information

• use of empathy

• build up trust

• find ways to balance power

• bluff - pretend to know more than you do

• forgive mistakes

• final considerations













Limit the Use of Questions When Trying to Get Others to Tell the Truth

The first strategy to getting people to be honest deals with limiting the number of questions you ask.

For instance, asking...

• Where were you?

• Who were you with?

• What were you doing?

... Is not always a good idea because it often leads other people to be less candid.

Expert interrogators know better than to ask a lot of questions when interviewing suspects - it only puts suspects on guard.

And while most people are not interrogating a suspect, the same principle applies in everyday conversations.  Generally speaking, asking a lot of questions tends to make people more cautious, which ultimately leads them to give less truthful responses.

When you ask a lot of questions, people assume that you are trying to gather information AND that you want to do something with that information.  As such, asking a lot of questions makes people more careful and they tend to give more evasive answers - just to play it.

Asking someone a lot of questions also tend to make people feel less in control - it takes away their sense of freedom.  People like to feel like they have some choice over what they talk about.  So when you ask a lot of questions, people feel like they are being imposed upon.  And when this happens, people often lie as a means of protecting their privacy or as an attempt to regain their autonomy.

And once people start withholding information they tend not to change course.

If you want someone to talk about an issue, rather than ask questions, it helps to offer similar information about yourself.  When people disclose information about themselves, their is an obligation to do the same - this is "reciprocity" at work.

For example, if someone offers you details about their day, what they did, who they ran into, what they thought about... you should do the same.  People are designed to treat others as they are treated.  Kindness is generally met with kindness, meanness with meanness, and information with information.

Moreover, this type of interaction seems more spontaneous and natural than asking a lot of questions.

For the most part, talking about yourself tends to be a great way to get other people to talk.





React Calmly When Others Tell You the Truth

The second strategy involves reacting calmly when hearing about things that upset you.

If you react poorly when told the truth, that is, you fly-off-the-handle, pout, sulk, act aggressively, or behave in some other unpleasant manner, you are essentially punishing people for telling you something that you did not want to hear.

If you behave this way, people learn that it is not safe to tell you the truth.  People learn that they should protect themselves and that it is in their best interest to hide things from you.  In fact, the information that you react the most poorly to is the very information that people learn to keep from you.

For example, if you get overly upset because your spouse had lunch with his or her ex, well if it happens again, this is one of the things that he or she will try to hide from you in the future.

When we react poorly to things we don't like to hear we are simply telling people exactly what they need to lie to us about in the future.  Reacting poorly to the truth is like providing others with a list of things they need to conceal.

This dynamic is very easy to see within a family setting.  The person who reacts the mostly poorly to information is usually the last one to find out what is really going on.

In short, if you want to be cut-out of the information loop, react poorly and people will work hard to keep things from you.

So to get people to be more honest with you in the future, it is very important to react in calm, cool, and rational manner when confronted with things that you do not particularly like to hear.

The more calmly you deal with the truth - the more people will tell you the truth.

If you are upset by what you hear, it is ok to let people know that you are upset, as long as it is not done in a way that is overly critical, attacking, or tries to make the other person feel bad.  Telling someone that you are upset by what happened, without reacting poorly is hard and it takes practice, but it does lead to more truthful exchanges in the long run.

When you make someone pay a heavy price for being honest with you - they will not tell you the truth for very long.













Practice Empathy

Another important strategy when trying to get people to be truthful involves the use of empathy.

We have a fundamental need to feel understood, to have someone understand our point of view, to get where we are coming from.  So the more willing you are to understand another's point of view, the more willing that person will be to open-up and share things with you.

We inherently trust someone who has the ability see things from our own perspective.  We just feel more safe and comfortable talking to people who get us, even if that person does not necessarily agree with us.

For instance, a professional interrogator is much more likely to get a confession when he or she can empathize with the suspect's  point of view (as disturbing as it sounds).

Likewise, parents are more likely to hear the truth about happened on a Saturday night when they try to understand why one of their kids did not make it home on time.  And a spouse is much more likely to tell the truth about having lunch with an ex, when a current partner understands that keeping in touch with an ex is important to do.

Although these examples vary widely, the principle underlying them remains the same: People are more likely to be candid and forthcoming with someone who understands where they are coming from.





Build Trust with Others

Having a reputation as someone who is straightforward is helpful when trying to get at the truth.

If you have been caught in a lie it can be much more difficult to get other people to be honest with you.  Again, people have an overwhelming need to treat others as they have been treated.

Have you ever noticed how much easier it is to lie to someone who has been dishonest with you?  Do you really feel that you owe someone the truth when they have misled you in the past?

So, when trying to get others to be honest, it helps to point out how truthful and straightforward you are (i.e., "I've always been honest with you.").  This strategy only works if people trust you - when you have not been caught telling a lie.











Find Ways to Balance Power in Your Relationship

The most difficult strategy involves trying to balance power within a relationship or marriage.

Power is a fundamental aspect of all relationships.  Power is the ability to make choices and decisions and it comes in many different forms.  In any given relationship, someone has the upper-hand due to their resources, personality, social skills, connections, and so on.

And typically, power shifts back-and-forth between partners depending on the issue or topic at hand.  For instance, it is possible to have more power than a partner with respect to friends, family, and social connections but lack power with respect to financial decision-making, and vice-versa.

As mentioned elsewhere, these power differences are important to recognize because they influence the use of deception.  As a general rule, the person in the low-power position is more likely to use deception.

When people lack power, they often feel like they have little control over what happens - decisions are not necessarily theirs to make.  As a result, deception is very useful when someone does not feel empowered - it helps level the playing field.





Accordingly, when trying to get someone to be more honest it is important to pay attention to power differences.  If you have more power on any given topic, try to include your partner in the decision-making process.  Ask for his or her input and respect what is said.

Individuals are a lot less likely to use deception when they feel like they can actively participate in how decisions are made.





























Bluffing Is Also Effective When Trying Get at the Truth

Unfortunately, one of the best ways to get at the truth is to pretend to know it - the bluff.

People do not like getting caught in a lie, so if they are convinced that you already know what has happened - they are much more likely to tell you (as long as they haven't lied about the topic already.  Again, once people lie they tend to stick with their story).

Saying things like...

• I know what is going on....

• I know what happened...

• Someone told me...

• Let's talk about it...

...can be very effective at getting partners to talk.

However, bluffing is a very HIGH RISK strategy.  It can backfire and cause serious damage to your relationship.  If your spouse has not done anything or does not believe you - he or she calls your bluff - now you have been caught in a lie.

It may be best to use this strategy only as a last resort - when you feel that your relationship is coming to an end and you just want to know the truth.

And this strategy rarely works with serious issues such as infidelity.  People often lie about infidelity, even when confronted with evidence to the contrary























If You Want To Learn the Truth, It Helps To Forgive Mistakes

As noted, everyone holds expectations about how their husband or wife, boyfriend or girlfriend, should behave.

In fact, romantic partners and spouses place a lot of expectations on each other.  People have expectations about how their partners should spend their free time, behave at work, act in social situations, and so on.

And for the most part, people try to live up to their partner's expectations.  In general, people do not like to disappoint their romantic partners.  No one seeks out disapproval - we desire acceptance and want our spouses and partners to like us.

With that said, however, no one is perfect.  Everyone makes mistakes and falls short of their partner's expectations from time to time.

When this happens, it is important to forgive people for their mistakes and shortcomings.  If you constantly remind a partner of their flaws or slip-ups, they are likely to hide similar things from you in the future.

For example:

If your spouse has too much to drink one evening, and you constantly bring it up, odds are good that he or she will try to hide similar behavior from you the next time it happens.

On the other hand, if you forgive your partner for what he or she has done, you are much more likely to find out about similar mistakes in the future.

Some Final Considerations on Getting a Partner to Be More Truthful

If you consistently use these strategies, people will be more likely to tell you the truth, but up to a point.  For very serious issues, such as infidelity, partners are likely to lie no matter what you do.

And while using these strategies is likely to get partners and spouses to be more honest and forthcoming, they come with a price.

First, the strategies are sometimes hard to follow - they may require you to behave in ways that run counter to your true feelings.  For instance, it is not always easy to forgive others or react calmly when you are really upset.  And doing so can even feel a little dishonest.  There is a fine line between getting a partner to talk and being honest yourself.

Second, knowing the truth is not always pleasant.  While knowing the truth may allow you to make better decisions in the long run, it does not usually bring a lot of immediate rewards.  Knowing the truth is difficult and uncomfortable.  The truth often hurts.

People who are out-of-the-loop, but do not know it, are usually happier than those who are in the know.  Ignorance can be blissful.

So, it often helps to consider whether you really want to know the truth before you pursue it.

Girlfriend Lie To You About Going Out On A Date?

Your ex tells you he/she is not ready to get back together just yet, and suggests that the two of keep in touch as friends and see where things go. So you are emailing or talking regularly and you feel that you're engaged in each other's lives once again. You're not back together but communication between the two of you is warm and friendly. You've even talked about being open and honest with each other, because you value each other's friendship. But then one day you find out that your ex lied to you.



He/she told you he/she was going out with friends but yet he/she was out on a date. You're livid. Why would your ex lie to you? Why didn't he/she just tell you the truth? Do you just keep quite and pretend nothing is bothering you? Should you ignore it since it's really none of your business who your ex goes out on a date with? Should you confront him or her about his/her lies?



Now, most people would tell you "just get rid of the liar". If lying (or cheating) was a major problem in the relationship, I'd say "lose the loser" too.



But if not, there are many reasons why your ex might not want to tell you he/she was out on a date with someone else.



1. The most obvious one is your ex didn't want to hurt your feelings because he/she genuinely cares about you. Not a very good excuse for lying, but an understandable one.



2. If there is a history of jealousy, needy behaviour or any kind of emotional outbursts, chances are your ex probably feared that talking about his/her date with someone else would create an emotionally-charged situation, and he/she wasn't ready for a shout-out, tears of tantrums.



3. Your ex thinks it's none of you business. You're not back together and so going out on a date with someone else is not like he/she is cheating on you.



If you're hoping to get back together, shouldn't being honest and open be something you both want?



I believe so! I also believe that you should talk to your ex about what you know but without completely ruining your chances of getting back together.



1. Whatever you do, do not accuse your ex of lying by omission.



If you didn't discuss not going out on dates or seeing other people while you "see where things go", you have no justification for calling your ex a liar. If you are like most people with poor communications skills, control or needy and clingy issues, you may think that it is "implied" that if you are "taking things slow" you will not be seeing other people. No it is not! Taking slow means taking slow. It doesn't mean either of you should put your lives on hold unless you both agree to it.



2. Do not accuse your ex of lying unless you have concrete proof.



Accusing your ex of lying when you don't have proof is like running against a wall really fast -- head first! For all you know, unless you actually saw your ex with someone else on a date, your source may not even be accurate.



3. Go for constructive dialogue -- and not a fight.



My advice is to go for the cooperative solution-oriented forward-looking approach. The use of an open, direct, non-confrontational, non-antagonistic and non-coercive approach radically reduces the harmful consequences of the traditional adversarial back-ward looking approach.



It'd sound something like this: "You know how much I care about you and value your friendship. We've had our ups and downs but look at us, we're still friends. This past weekend, however, you told me that you were going out with your friends, but I found out that you were out on a date. I fully understand we're not back together but for my own sake, I need to know that I can trust others by trusting myself. If you were out on a date, would you tell me?



4. Follow with a forward-looking empathetic response



Listen to your ex's response without interrupting, then after your ex is done taking, follow with a cooperative solution-oriented response, "I understand. I've made mistakes in the past and some of those mistakes may have caused you to feel that you could not tell me you were going out on a date. I am working on myself and knowing that you can be open and honest with me about things such as this will give me the opportunity to practice being more trusting of my own judgement and of others. As my friend, I may need your help from time to time. Will you help me?"



Most people are generally more comfortable talking freely when you are asking for their help other than accusing them; and when you're focused on the solution rather than the problem. And most people approached this way will likely face up and admit that they did actually go out on a date and tell you why they felt the need to lie about it.



The cooperation-seeking approach may at first seem like you acted "weak". But a forward-thinking, forward-looking, cooperative approach that does not compromise your values (openness, honesty and trust ) has tremendous advantages.



1. You're being totally honest;



2. You're non-threatening and non-confrontational;



3. You're telling your ex that you want him or her not to lie to you again;



4. You're telling your ex that you want him or her to know you are working on yourself and becoming a "new you" different from the person he or she broke up with and;



5. You got your ex to agree on something you can work on together as a team.



Cooperative team work is essential to getting your ex back because it is the glue that binds two people together.



This is just an example of cooperative solution-oriented things you can say. What's important is that you phrase your cooperative solution-oriented questions and sentences in a way that suits your personality, but keeping it direct and assertive. If your ex senses fear in the form of passive aggressiveness, he or she'll counter attack and force you to back off, and you'll end up feeling petty, insecure and angry.

Cure For Emotional Pain

There’s a simple fact that I’ve discovered that almost no one really gets. Stated as simply as I can, it goes like this: when ever I experience any kind of pain it is because I am healing.



I can apply this directly to the shin I bumped on my kid’s toy box. I bumped my shin, I got a bruise, it hurts and because it hurts my mind knows where to send the healing white blood cells and other chemicals that inspire regrowth and healing.



People don’t realize that this simple principal applies to emotional pain as well. When I get hurt emotionally I feel emotional pain. That pain signals my mind to send the healing energies toward that part of me that is hurt. I may feel it in my heart or in the pit of my stomach but really its some ephemeral part of me that is not quite physical and not quite conceptual. Yet it heals via the same exact process.



We are all vulnerable to being wounded. We can all be hurt. That is a simple fact of life and there is nothing we can do about it. We could don armor to protect our bodies and we can don attitudes to protect our emotions, but ultimately things meant to protect us end up preventing us from feeling. Its a vicious trade off which I feel should never be made.



I’m of the philosophy that I should be open and honest, even to the extent that I wear my emotions on my shirt sleeve. If someone turns out to be not trustworthy, I’m not going to protect myself from them, I’m going to push them out of my life. If I can’t gently push them away, then I’ll simply ignore their behavior, or better yet, face it and stare it down.



It seems foolhardy, huh? But its not. I have found I can put myself “out there” so to speak and have no fear about what may come as long as I’m being honest first and foremost with myself and then with everyone else. As long as I’m honest in my attitudes then people have no ability to hurt me.



I’ll give you an example.



I worked in Silicon Valley . I’m a bit odd, being an engineer who wears his emotions on his shirtsleeve. Some don’t like it, some can’t get used to it, some ignore it, and a few respect it.



More than a year ago I found out that the managers of a project to which I had devoted myself had decided that the schedule slipped and the project failed because of me. Clearly that wasn’t the case. No single individual is ever at fault for a project that goes south. There had been no intention to tell me this, but one of my coworkers told me about the meeting he sat in where the managers continually blamed me for everything.



Had I not been trained so well by reality I would have gotten very upset. Honestly, I care, and normally the old me would be upset over this. However, because of my experience I realized almost immediately that the managers needed a scape goat because they were incapable of finding the root causes. Its arguable that the project hadn’t failed. In fact it was merely late and had no one wanted to buy it. That’s not failure, that’s bad luck. But they couldn’t see that partly because they feared their own failure and partly because they subconsciously saw their own mistakes and couldn’t own up to them.



I got that all in a flash of insight and I was able to let it go. I made mistakes. I slipped my schedule, sure, but I wasn’t the cause of the failure and placing blame on me or anyone else was not going to do anyone any good.



How was it that I was able to grow to the extent that I wasn’t bothered by these people’s opinions of me? I still cared. I still wanted to learn and grow and do better, but I wasn’t upset by the fact that I had become the project scape goat. How?



Quite simply I had previously healed of all emotional pain. There was no more parts of me that were wounded for them to pour salt on.



I have to take a step back now and talk more about childhood. The other day I talked about how we are all three and a half years old. What I didn’t say is why we are all three and a half years old and why we don’t grow up.



We are three and a half because we are hurt when we are babies and at the age of three and a half we choose to stop aging to stop feeling the hurt that we were given as infants and babies. There is a certain amount of genetic vulnerability. Being born hurts like hell and unless our mother knows how to deal with their pain then how can we as newborns deal with our own? All our repression starts then, on day one. I honestly believe that’s one of the things the bible means when it uses the term, “original sin.”



Teething hurts too and if our mothers, fathers, siblings, grand parents, etc are not compassionate toward us when we cry out in pain then how can we be expected to be compassionate to ourselves, let alone others. Our parents try to medicate us with Anbesol, Tylenol, or they try to medicate themselves with Alcohol, Sex, Drugs, etc etc etc. If they react to their own pain (inspired by our crying) then how can we do any better?



We can’t. We are at the mercy of our biological and sociological situation.



As children we cannot rise above the pain by feeling compassion and love for ourselves unless we have a mother and family who does that for us first. I have never met someone that loving and aware. Have you? Even if our mother’s were perfect, there’s still that genetic inheritance we have to get used to.



We stop aging at three and a half because our three and a half year old parents stopped aging at three and a half. Their coping mechanisms are all based on those of their three and a half year old parents. Restated: we can’t be more mature than three and a half because we have no examples of that maturity and facing pain to grow beyond it is hard. Its much easier to distract ourselves from it, or repress it, than to face it. We learn to cope because we don’t know any better.



We have no chance to be any different. Its just a fact of being human. That’s life.



I’m three and a half too. I’ve always been three and a half, but at least I know it. Knowing enabled me to find compassion for myself when I was emotionally hurt.



Isn’t it odd, when we’re physically hurt as small children we make a big deal out of it. “Mommy! I got a Boo-ey!” we shout. Mommy kisses it and makes it feel better. As adults we pay little attention to the nicks and bruises we get. But if we get emotionally hurt, what do we do as adults? “MOOOMMMMY! I GOT A BOOO-EY!” We’re still three and a half. Can you see it? Mommy might be our wife or lover, or our best friend or even our mother, but we all go running to someone else to show them our booey and get them to kiss it and make it better. Ironically we generally only open ourselves to being hurt by those who we put in the role of mommy.



For some, running to a mommy figure is enough to let go. They brush themselves off, stand up and march forward in their lives. For me though it wasn’t good enough. I fell down in a relationship, got hurt and crawled to friends and family, but didn’t feel any better.



Some of us are trained or genetically inclined to not feel better. We wallow in despair. “How could she do this?” we ask. “What did I do to deserve this?”



We seek answers to unanswerable questions and we feel that until we know, we can’t heal.



That of course is ridiculous. We heal automatically. The only way we won’t heal is if we won’t let ourselves heal or if we happen to re injure ourselves by reliving the hurts from our pasts. We've all seen that. Heck most of us have done that.



Is this starting to come together for you? The key to not being hurt is allowing yourself to heal. The first hurts happen when we can’t prevent them, when we are small and defenseless. We are hurt by people who love us but aren't mature enough to know that they are hurting us. We are hurt by three and a half year olds who never matured. We have to leave all that stuff in our past and only face it when we feel it hurting. Most importantly: when we feel the pain we have to stop thinking about it. Thinking about feelings is roughly equivalent to sanding about painting. All it does is hurt us more to think about our pain. Its better to just experience the pain and let it do its job: heal us and help us grow beyond the age of three and a half.

On-And-Off Again Relationship

I receive email questions from men and women, young and old, and from all walks of life who are in a relationship that on-again and off-again. Both people are in some ways hurting each other but the attraction and chemistry is so strong that they can’t imagine life without the other. It is as if they’re locked in what I call “madness for two.”



Instead of responding to each email question (which frankly I can’t, because of the number of email questions I receive daily) I thought it might help to write a small post instead.



It’s always best to walk away from an unhealthy relationship especially if it involves abuse, control, manipulation, entrapment and codependency issues – which in most on/off relationship is the case. But what if you are not in any physical danger but just riding the emotional rollercoaster with the object of your affection and strong desire, when is it time to walk away?



I personally do not think people should rush to end a deep connection that is so strong unless they’ve explored all the avenues, looked at it from all directions and done whatever is reasonably possible to make it work. Maybe what you have is good enough and you’d be a fool to abandon it in search of a better relationship you may never find.



Besides, there are some relationships that are just meant to be – problems and all. If you asked or looked closely enough, you’ll find “we stuck together through it all” love stories everywhere.



So before you go looking for something better (that you may never find), make sure you’ve tried all you can to make the relationship you already have better:



1. Get clear about what the problem is



What most people do is simply weigh the pros and cons of staying vs. leaving. The trap in this is that there are always pros and cons in every relationship, and if you really want to stay you’ll find more reasons to stay and less reasons to leave. And if you really want to leave, you’ll find more reasons to leave than stay. You are not really weighing anything.



Leaving a relationship before knowing what the real problem is self-defeating. Remember the saying : Everywhere you go, there you are! Whatever caused this relationship to end if not dealt with, will be carried over to the next relationship.



2. Take 100% responsibility for your own feelings and needs



Be totally honest with yourself, after all you are the very person hurting from your choices and decisions. Get to the bottom of what you are reacting to in your partner’s behaviour and what they are reflecting back to you (anger, neediness, emotional distance etc).



3. Change what you need to change



You must continue to grow and change for the better because relationships by nature change. No relationship remains the same. If your thought pattern is anything like “if he/she changes then everything will be okay (we’ll have lots of sex and raise cute gifted offspring and live happily ever after), or if you can’t change because the other person is refusing to change, then may be it’s best to give up on the relationship now.  The only person you can change is you. Others react to the change you make.



4. Get off the negativity and “bitter” people’s wagon



Choose the kind of advice you take in but even more importantly avoid asking or taking advice from people who are simply reacting from a place of pain and hurt themselves. You can always tell where someone is at in their own lives by how they react to experiences that bring out hidden pain. Just check out most relationship blogs and forums – so many hurting, angry and bitter people dishing out relationship advice.



How do I know? Because I am a regular at “Get Your Ex Back” discussion forums, just because I love offering my advice and experiences, but also because I am a little bothered by just how many people out there, are quick to advice others to leave relationships that may be troubled, but may also still be restored.



It takes just a few threads for you to figure out that some people seem to have an agenda which is to provide destructive advice that will rob others of the precious thing that they themselves do not have and perhaps, will never have for any number of reasons.



People who are incapable of love are also incapable of being around love without having some deep feelings of resentment, jealousy or even anger stirred up. These people may even seem like they have your best interest at heart but clandestinely attack the love you have or seek to have. This is because they can’t bear to see anyone with the “thing” that forever eludes them.



If necessary, talk to someone who has worked on his or her own “issues”.  An objective person can help you ask yourself the questions you probably would not ask yourself. An objective person can also help you out of your comfort zone and push you to make the change you need to make.



When you’ve done all you can and feel happy, joyful and peaceful, and the relationship is still stagnant or on/off again, then you can leave and start the next relationship where you ended this one.

To Get Your Ex To Talk To You

Question: I am finding myself in a situation where my ex flies into a rage every time I ask her why we broke up. She just came out from the blue one evening after we returned from a friend’s house and said, ” I can’t do this anymore. This relationship is sucking the life out of me.”We had not had a fight or argument that day or even days before and it completely took me by surprise. I pleaded and begged for her to reconsider but she wouldn’t. After two weeks of pleading she sent me an email saying I should get it through my head that it’s over between us and there is nothing in this world that I’ll ever do to make her want to be with me again. She says she just wants to forget us and move on with her life. I tried getting her back, but I’ve accepted that we’ll never get back together, and have stopped trying to win her back.



Now I just want closure and to move on with my life. She never actually lets me finish trying to explain to her how not knowing why she broke up with me is making it hard for me to move on. What’s the best way to get her to talk to me?



The Love Doctor’s Answer: The why could be anything. May be it’s something she’s complained too many times before but you just didn’t pay enough attention. May be she feels guilty or embarrassed about the role she played in the relationship coming part. May be she doesn’t know why herself. Only she can tell you, but from the looks of it, I don’t think it’ll be any time soon.



That said, may be you’re not really looking for closure. The reason I say this is, if someone is refusing to give you something and you get hurt every time you ask, why keep asking?



My experience is that some people use “I just want closure” as away of staying attached to someone they obviously still love and want back in their lives but who doesn't want them. To the person seeking “closure” even the flying into a range is better than nothing. Asking for closure gives them an excuse to contact their ex hoping that their ex will somehow feel some “sympathy” and set some time apart to talk. Some exes after repeated asking may give in hoping that talking will finally get rid of you. But most just get more irritated with every request because emotionally weak or fragile people are just not that attractive, especially when you are a guy.



Others think that an ex’s emotional reaction means that they still have feelings. So they keep asking to get an emotional reaction that reassures them that the other person still cares. It’s an unhealthy attachment. People who care don’t intentionally hurt those they care about, let alone do it over and over.



Stop asking her for closure — and find the closure you need (whatever that means) for yourself.

Things Your Ex Does That Don’t Make Sense

Why did my ex do this, and why is he/she doing that, are questions almost everyone who leaves a comment on my blog, or signs up for coaching wants the answer to.



But while some of the things your ex did or does are easy to explain, others can’t be explained. This is because there are so many reasons why people do the things they do. Most people don’t even know why they do the things they do.



For example, to you, it may be pretty obvious that when someone wants out of the relationship, it’s because something is wrong… there is cheating, too many arguments and fights, incompatibility issues, he/she has fallen out of love, etc. But that’s not what happens with your ex.



No fights, no cheating, similar values, interests, dreams and goals; and your ex says he/she loves you very much, but at the same time thinks you should go your separate ways.



And you’d think that when someone wants to break-up with you, they’ll at least sit down with you and tell you why they are breaking up with you. But not your ex. He/she breaks up with you via text or email, calls you up and callously tells you it’s over like the relationship meant nothing, or just disappears leaving you wondering what the heavens happened.



I can go on and on about the strange things exes do that leave you scratching your brain, seething with anger and/or wanting payback.



But since I’m more interested in helping people get their ex back than helping them tear their ex apart, I will in this article try to explain some of the immature and sometimes toxic things exes do, that should make you pause and ask yourself if you really want your ex back.



1. Breaks up with you and then immediately wants you back



They do this to see how much you really love or care about them, or just for the rush that comes with “making up”.



In their mind, they're somehow associated love with feeling extreme anxiety, fear and/or pain, and recreate the break-up experience to feel loved.



If you allow yourself to get drawn back in without sitting down and having a thorough discussion about the on-and-off-again pattern, you will find that over time, the “ons” become shorter and shorter, and the “offs” more and more frequent.



2. Contacts you then disappears only to reappear again



Same as in No.1. They do this to find out if you still have feelings for them. But unlike in No. 1 where the motive is to test your love and commitment, contacting you, disappearing and contacting you again is an ego-trip.



This happens mostly with an ex who feels slighted by the break-up (how could you leave me?), doesn’t want you to move on and “forget him/her”, has self-worth issues, or just enjoys playing mind games.



The longer he/she can keep you in “limbo” and unable to move on, the more boost to his/her ego.



3. Uses insults, put-downs and guilt-tripping to get you to respond



They do this because it’s the only way they know how to get anyone to pay attention. It’s the perfect example of cutting off the nose to spite the face.



When you respond, even if it’s to tell him/her to stop it or give him/her a taste of his/her own medicine, he/she will think he/she’s figured out how to rattle your cage. Every time he/she feels ignored or just wants attention (which is usually ALL the time), he/she goes crazy on you.



4. Picks a fight just to have a fight



You are having a perfectly wonderful time texting, on the phone or hanging out, but as soon as you indicate that you want to go, he/she starts a fight over something completely meaningless.



They do this to keep you there longer. And like the loving and caring person you are, you stay longer to try to calm him/her down and make him/her see how much you care about him/her. Unfortunately, it doesn't work. Next time, he/she turns up the drama.



5. Cheats again, and again, and again.



They do this because they can.



He/she knows that you are addicted to him/her and are not going anywhere anytime soon, no matter how much they hurt you. Some exes even “serial-cheat” out of spite. They resent you so much for not having the courage to say “enough is enough”, and cheat just to hurt you.

Communicating With Your Ex Part 2

Building a strong emotional bond goes beyond “good communication skills”.



Building a strong emotional bond is about emotional intimacy.



Intimacy! Now, that’s a word that scares many of us, including the “experts”. Why? Because you can’t talk about “intimacy” without talking about vulnerability and the possibility of hurt.



When we ask for advice, we want someone to tell us how to avoid getting hurt. The last thing we want to hear is that we will get hurt and that it’s okay to be vulnerable and risk hurt. Many of us “experts” know what you want to hear, and since some of us are afraid of vulnerability and the possibility of hurt ourselves, we will tell you exactly what you want o hear:



1. Don’t call him, let him call you first (Translation: He might not be interested, don’t put yourself out there to get hurt);



2. Play hard to get, she’ll become more interested (Translation: Don’t let her know you dig her, she’ll exploit your feelings for her — and you’ll get hurt);



3. “No Contact” is the best way to go (Translation: If you don’t contact him/her, and she doesn’t contact you, you’ll both move on. No one gets hurt).



I could go on and on. What I find really sad is that the fear of vulnerability and the possibility of hurt is so much more common in North America than in many places in the world. That’s why don’t call first, play hard to get, No Contact etc, seems “normal” to most North Americans and “weird” to many non- North Americans.



When avoiding vulnerability and the possibility of hurt is your “normal”, your efforts at emotional intimacy are all about avoiding vulnerability and the possibility of hurt. Everything you do is about not getting hurt and little to do with connecting effectively or efficiently.



In your heart and in the depths of your soul, what you really, really want is to love and feel loved no matter how the other feels or acts, and no matter what they say or don’t say. You want to know you can count on each other no matter what happens. But your actions, habits and the way you behave say, “I can’t allow myself to love you so much or count on you because I fear I’ll get hurt”.



Guess what? That’s exactly what happens! YOU GET HURT.



But instead of recognizing where the REAL PROBLEM is. We wrap it up in “we have/had communication problems” and continue with the same mentality that got us where we are in the first place.



We still fear to make the first contact or call first because the other person might not respond/answer, and we’ll GET HURT. We still play silly mind games because we fear the other person will exploit our feelings for them, and we’ll GET HURT. We do “No Contact” because, hey! we don’t want to GET HURT.



If you want to love hard and deep, and feel truly loved, you have to get comfortable with being vulnerable and getting hurt.



Be the first to call, tell someone how you feel about them, keep in touch just because you enjoy having that person in your life, stop calculating every move and over-analyzing every word etc. In other words, stop being over-vigilant about getting hurt.



Will you get hurt? Possibly! But so will you if you are all the time fearing that you’ll get hurt or trying to avoid getting hurt.



— Experience deep love and get hurt OR never feel really close to anyone and still get hurt?



— Take the risk and contact your ex OR not contact him/her at all and for the rest of your life wonder what might have been?



— Tell your ex you want him/her back OR pretend you have moved on and have him/her think you have when you haven’t?



— Learn “good communication skills” OR learn to connect more effectively and efficiently?



Your choice!

Communicating With Your Ex Part 1

“Communication problems” seems to be the catch-all phrase for every relationship problem, and is often sighted as the main cause of the collapse of many relationships.



I’m the first to admit that we relationship counselors, therapists and coaches are partly responsible for this. Many of us become “experts” with no or very little training in interpersonal psychology, little or no experience with relationships except one or two of our own, and some of us are just too lazy to even bother. Telling someone “work on your communication issues” takes less time and brain effort.



To better understand “communication problems” in a relationship, it’s imperative that we look at some of the definitions of communication.



1. an act or instance of transmitting

2. information transmitted or conveyed

3. a process by which information is exchanged between individuals through a common system of symbols, signs, or behavior .

4. personal rapport

5. a technique for expressing ideas effectively (as in speech)



In a layman’s language, communication simply means the ability to CONNECT effectively and efficiently.



Put that way, communication seems so easy, natural. But why is it a problem in many of our relationships?



We could go technical on this, but I have a much simpler explanation. Human beings are complicated.



Depending on how we were raised and how much personal inner work we've done, we each have what is our “normal” way of connecting with other human beings. Much of the time, the majority of us do actually manage to connect with someone; not because we necessarily have good communication skills but because connecting with other human beings is a human need. We need it, we seek it and we do our best to make it work — not connecting effectively or efficiently, but connecting nonetheless.



During this time, many of feel things are going well with the new boy/girlfriend, the relationship is great, and we “love each other ” very much. Then slowly, we start having “communication problems” (yelling, banging doors, throwing stuff, silent treatment, pretending there is no problem, avoiding anything that might lead to a confrontation — and everything in between). It’s not pretty, effective or efficient.



Most relationship “experts” and “advisers” will tell you that you need to learn communication skills and be a better communicator. And so off you go learning to say “please”, “thank you”, “I love you”, “you look great”, “I appreciate you” etc. You study “listening skills” and learn how to better communicate your wants, needs, feelings, and emotions — and that sort of thing.



Now, there is nothing wrong with trying to be a better communicator or making someone you love “feel good”, it’s all part of being in a healthy loving relationship. But as some of you reading this may be finding out, just being a better communicator is not enough. And some of you have tried everything the “experts” told you to do to improve communication in your relationship, and the other person even acknowledges that the communication between the two of you has improved, BUT… something is still missing?



That’s because saying “please”, “thank you”, “I love you”, “you look great”, “I appreciate you” etc and listening and affirming is not the same thing as CONNECTING effectively and efficiently. It’s “good communication skills” alright, but it is not enough when you are trying to build a long term emotional bond with someone.

You Might Have This Relationship PROBLEM (Part 2)

Continued from part 1



When it comes to the mating game, all men and women sub-consciously look for clues to each other’s masculine and feminine qualities. But I wish they just stopped there. No! They test each other’s qualities to the dizzy limit.



A woman who expresses too much of the feminine energy is more attracted to a man expressing too much of the masculine energy because her feminine energy needs his masculine energy to restore her inner balance and harmony.



She’s turned off and/or quickly loses interest in a man who is always ambivalent, lacks direction for his life, is afraid to take risks etc.



A woman on the other hand, who expresses more of the masculine will find a man with more feminine energy more attractive because she needs more feminine energy in her life to balance off her abundance of masculine f feminine.



A man who expresses too much of his masculine energy will be turned off by a woman whose masculine energy overpowers her feminine energy because all he gets is more action, force, movement and firmness.



A man who expresses more of the feminine energy on the other hand is more likely to seek out a woman putting out more of the masculine energy. His abundant feminine energy needs more of her masculine energy to restore inner balance and harmony.



Logic says: Let the “masculine woman” pair up with the “feminine man”,  and the “masculine man” with the “feminine woman”. Basic common sense. Right?



You’re right. In the initial stages of the relationship this balancing of energies works great. In fact this arrangement works great as long as the two people make sure the other does not upset the balance of energies. That is, the masculine energy of the man stays dominant, and the feminine energy of the woman stays dominant. The man stays aggressive, rigid, forceful, firm and risk-taking and the women stays flexible, creative, sensitive, introspective, and nurturing.



Or in the reverse pair, the woman continues to be the aggressive, forceful, firm, risk-taker and the man continues to be the flexible, creative, sensitive, introspective, and nurturing one in the relationship.



And some couples with these combinations of energy do live a happy lifetime together feeding off each other’s energies.



The spoiler in this perfect harmony is change.



If one partner suddenly starts feeling the need to find his or her own balance of energies, that need leads to growth which inevitably leads to change. The balance is upset. The “perfect” relationship starts having yin-yang imbalance problems.



— You find that a woman who was initially perfectly happy with a man expressing too masculine energy now starts complaining about his coldness, insensitivity and emotional unavailability. He wants him to express more of his feminine energy and be more warm, open with his emotions, sensitive to her needs and supportive of her interests — qualities he may not have developed..



— On the other end, a woman who was initially attracted to a man because he was sensitive, nurturing and thoughtful starts complaining about his inability to take the lead, make hard decisions, take risks, be adventurous, etc. She now wants him to be more directed and aggressive in his career, more firm and assertive about his wants and needs, and more adventurous — qualities he may not have developed.



— The man who was initially attracted to a woman because of her too much feminine energy starts complaining about her timidity, over sensitivity and over reliance on him. He now wants her to be able to make decisions without asking him, be less “emotional”, be more sexually exploratory etc.



— On the other hand, a man who initially was perfectly happy with a woman who was aggressive, forceful and who brought more action and firmness into his life now starts complaining about her bossiness and controlling behaviors, constant judgmental attitude and nit-picking, insensitivity, emotional aloofness etc.



When yin-yang imbalance problems reach a point where one person feels that the relationship is undermining his/her growth potential, they break up or get divorced.



They break up not because they no longer love each other but because the masculine and feminine energies are no longer complementing each other. These energies are instead interfering with the other’s growth and development. This is when you hear “we’re not the same people”, “we want different things”, “we are growing apart” etc.



BUT… if both people grow and change together, these energies balance off again at some point.



A lot depends on the individuals concerned – and how they handle the other’s growth and change.



Unfortunately, there are no guarantees that you’ll both grow and change together — or even at the same pace. That’s why if you’re single and still looking. The best thing you can do for yourself is to reconcile your masculine and feminine energy first, so you can attract someone with equally balanced energies.



The one advantage of having your own balanced yin-yang is that you understand a lot more about the opposite gender, their thoughts, actions and behaviors because you’re already experiencing and expressing the very same energies they’re experiencing and expressing.



The other other advantage of having balanced energies is that with your masculine energy you will enjoy making the hard decisions and providing an assertive masculine lead for your partner to follow half of the time; and with your feminine energy you will enjoy supporting and following your partner’s assertive masculine lead the other half of the time.



With your feminine energy you’ll be able to intuitively tune into your partner’s deepest feelings, show concern, fluidity, creativity, sensitivity, and nurture him or her, and your yin-yang balanced partner will do the same another time.



This is the kind of relationship that will inspire love, joy, constructive communication, productivity, fulfillment and eternal gratitude. The kind of relationship that will keep the chemistry and passion between two people of the opposite gender going at it not just all night long – but for a life time!



Now go balance your yin-yang – and save your relationship!

You Might Have This Relationship PROBLEM (Part 1)

“She bosses me around. Where is my respect?”



“He’s cold, insensitive and emotionally unavailable”



“I just wish she was more feisty in bed”.



“He easily gets upset about small things”.



These are some of the complaints men and women have about their partners, and in some cases the reason a relationship ends.



Many feel that something “changed”, and the person they are with is not the same person they first fell in love with.



And they may be right, when you consider how masculine and feminine energies play out in man-woman relationships.



But first, what is masculine and what is feminine?



Masculine and feminine are terms often equated with the biological equivalent of male and female, or social equivalent of man and woman. But in realty, the distinction between masculine and feminine goes far beyond biological, psychological and psycho-sexual constructs. It transcends cultural, religious and societal notions of male and female, man and woman.



The masculine and feminine, the yin and yang, the anima and animus by definition are consciousness or energies we each possess in equal amounts — men and woman alike. Each of these energies is like one side of a coin. Neither is more or less important than the other – they both are very necessary dimensions of our human be-ingness.



Each of us, men and woman alike can (and often do) express these two energies; only the emphasis, degree, quantity and relation to each other are different.



Masculine energy is primarily about how we operate our outer world; and primarily expressed by action, force, movement and firmness.



Feminine energy on the other hand is primarily about how we operate our inner world; and primarily expressed by fluidity, creativity, sensitivity, introspection, and nurturing.



The quantity of energy we express (at any one time) bestows on us a masculine or feminine persona/traits.



The family, culture, religion and society we’re raised in greatly influences which energy we express more of, when and how.



Traditionally, boys who are biologically stronger and more physically adept are often encouraged to express more of the masculine energy. We see this abundance of masculine energy out on the playground with little boys kicking things and pushing one another, challenging and expanding their outer world. Battles over who is stronger and more physically adept further serve to reinforce their sense of masculinity.



Girls on the other hand are encouraged to express more of the feminine energy. We see this abundance of feminine energy in little girls sitting around grooming each other, relating intimately and showing concern for each other’s feelings and well-being.



Masculine energy though encouraged in men and more expressed by men must also exist in a woman for that woman to be well adjusted and balanced. Likewise, feminine energy though encouraged in women and more expressed by women must also exist in a man for that man to be well adjusted and balanced.



A person (man or woman) whose sense of masculinity is not fully developed or is weak, is unable to take lead, to direct, to trust him/herself, to take risks and to move into the world around him/her with self-confidence. He/she has lots of fears and doubts; fears and doubts about him/herself and his/her ability to operate his/her outer world.



On the other hand, a person (man or man) whose sense of femininity is not fully developed or is weak, is selfish and self-seeking. Instead of creating a safe, supportive and nurturing space, she/he has a hard time allowing others (spouse, children and close social networks) to be independent and self-sufficient. He/she is more likely to be overly sensitive, timid, manipulative and self-absorbed.



Too much masculine energy without the feminine energy to balance it off can cause a person to be cold, insensitive and emotionally closed off, reckless, wasteful, overly critical and aggressive (even physically violent).



Most men and women who express too much of the masculine energy find themselves too outwardly-focused and out of synch with their own deepest feelings, and the feelings of others because they lack that feminine energy that drives fluidity, creativity, sensitivity, introspection, sensitivity and nurturing.



Too much feminine energy without the masculine energy to balance it off can cause a person to be too timid, too passive, superficial, compliant, clingy and needy, unable to make decisions, overly dependent, vulnerable to exploitation and abuse.



Most men and women who express too much of the feminine energy find themselves too inwardly-focused and unable to move forward in their lives. They stop engaging and challenging their outer worlds and instead go too far into their inner worlds and sometimes find themselves stuck because they lack that masculine energy that drives action, force, movement and firmness.



Men and women must express both aspects of these energies if they want to live happy, productive and fulfilling lives all by ourselves or with a partner.



When our masculine and feminine energies are not complementing each other but are instead interfering with one another, we feel confusion and unrest, incompleteness and a disconnection within ourselves, and with out outer world (including our relationships with others). But when the energies are well adjusted and harmoniously balanced, we feel more connected, in harmony, at peace and whole within ourselves and with out outer world (including our relationships with others).



When you accept that you posses both of these energies within you, you appreciate your own dual conciseness more.



As a man, you can afford to express your feminine energy without feeling a threat to your masculinity because your masculinity is already strong and developed. And as a woman, you can afford to express your masculine energy without feeling a threat to your femininity because your femininity is already strong and developed.