Travis S. Miller's Blog, page 3

Getting Back With Your Ex and You’re The Only One Trying

Trying to get your ex back is hard enough. Trying to get your ex back when you are the only one initiating all the contacts, trying to come up with interesting topics to talk about, asking him/her out, and sometimes, the only one still IN love, is harder.



Is it even possible?



The answer is yes. While it takes two to make a relationship work, it can take just one to change how the relationship works.



How does that even work?



It works when one person changes (in a positive direction), so much that the dynamics of the relationship change.



Just like 1+1 =2, but if you add 0.5 to one part of the equation, the result can never be 2 again. It’ll be 1.5+1=2.5.



Same thing. If one person changes but the other person doesn’t, the person who has changed can positively influence the dynamics of the relationship.



But in order for the relationship to work, three things need to be in place.



1) Love



We all have heard the phrase “I love you, but I’m not in love with you.” Usually the person saying these words is saying “I still have feelings for you and I care about you, I’m just not motivated/excited about/committed to being in a relationship with you.



What the person saying these words is not saying (at least not aloud) is that, I can be motivated/excited about/made to commit, under the right conditions. In other words that feeling of being IN love can come back.



Your task is to create the right conditions for the feelings of being IN love to come back. The “right” conditions is not about proving to your ex that you have changed, it’s about demonstrating to him/her that the relationship doesn’t have to work the way it did before (1.5+1=2.5).



That only goes only as far as “feeling in love” is concerned. If the love is completely gone, there is nothing you can do to make the relationship work — however much you want it and however hard you try.



2) Open lines of communication



It doesn’t matter how much love your ex feels for you, if there is NO communication, there is NO relationship. It’s as simple as that.



If there is no communication, there are also no opportunities for you to influence how the relationship works.



“Open” lines of communication means no backdoor tactics or trying to burst your way in. Manipulation and aggressive tactics undermine your efforts to positively change how the relationship works.



To learn more about how to use open lines of communication to change the dynamics of a relationship, please spend more time on my blog.



3) Change



The main reason why many men and women fail to get their ex back is that they say they’ve changed (and sometimes they indeed have changed on a personal level), but they haven’t changed in relation to the other person. A few texts, phone calls or dates, and their ex can see that nothing has changed.



This is one of the reasons I do not think the “no contact” rule is an effective way to affect change in a relationship. On a personal level, it’s a powerful tool but on a relationship level, it can cause more damage to the relationship.



To pivot a little. If you do informal research (which I have been doing for a few years now), you’ll notice that “no contact” is championed and highly recommended by individuals who tend to place the highest value on the interests of the individual over that of the collective “group”. In North America where “no contact” is THE prescription for almost all troubled relationships, men and women also tend to have the most interpersonal and relationship difficulties in general.



Among individuals who generally value the interest of the collective “group” over the interest of the individual, “no contact” is unheard of, shunned and even ridiculed.



Why? Because it doesn’t promote the best interest of the collective, in this case the relationship.



Is it wrong to take care of Number One?



Of course not! In order to be a good partner, capable of giving and receiving love, you have to be able to accept, appreciate, embrace, fulfill and love you first. To get to that place of healthy self-love, one needs to take care of oneself first.



If the end result is to take care of oneself and move on, “no contact” does that wonderfully. But if the end result is to become a better partner in order to improve on the relationship, neglecting the relationship to take care of Number One doesn’t help the relationship. It helps you, the individual, but it doesn’t help “us”, the collective (the relationship)



The kind of change required to positively change how the relationship works is one that involves movement from point A to point B. Movement requires action.



Just like sitting on the couch thinking about how to lose weight doesn’t get the weight off, just sitting and thinking about all the mistakes you made and what needs to change (if your ex takes you back) doesn’t mean you’ve changed.



There has to be a process (action), for change to happen. The process can be anything from committing oneself to a self-prescribed personal growth program to working with a professional.



So YES, you can get back your ex even if you are the only one trying. BUT, you have to be willing to put in the work that positively changes how the relationship works.

Signs You’re In A Relationship Vs. Casual Dating

Question: If you are dating someone for 2 months and then she decides to end things, could this be considered a “break up” ?  We had sex, if that makes any difference.















Travis:Good question. Now… let’s get “sex” out of the way first… (;



Some 40 or so years ago, the moment you had sex with someone, you were officially “”boyfriend/girlfriend” and therefore in a relationship. People were upfront with each other and it was understood by the other’s actions that the intention was to go for the long haul/get married.



Not anymore! Nowadays, people prefer to “sample the goods first”, then decide if someone is worth a relationship. And it’s not just boys and men doing it anymore, even girls and women are playing the field.



This means that if things are not explicitly communicated, it’s hard to tell when it ends whether it’s a break-up or “just not interested anymore”.



In some situations how long you’ve been seeing each other is relevant but in others it is not. If in the 2 months you were seeing each other once a week or so, and rarely talking in between, technically it was not a “relationship” yet. You were just “seeing” each other to evaluate if the other is worth of a “relationship”



In my opinion, you are “in a relationship” when:



1. You are talking frequently and spending lots of time together, e.g. whole weekends together



2. You both know intimate details about the other and have established a level of trust



3. You’ve both agreed that officially you are now “boyfriend/girlfriend”



4. You’ve both said “I love you” to the other



5. You’ve both introduced the other to close friends and family



6. You both are comfortable enough with each other to let your guards down — and just be yourselves.



7. You’ve both decided you will not be seeing anyone else



8. You’ve at least had one major disagreement and successfully resolved it



9. You’ve had a conversation about where things are headed/future of the relationship



10. The emotional connection between the two of you has continuously grown stronger and more intimate.



If all or at least 8 of these things happened in the 2 months you were together, then it was a “break-up.” But if you didn’t get to the “relationship” level, then consider it, “just not interested anymore”.



That said, it’s really up to two people whether to call it “just hanging out” or “in a relationship”.



Here is the PROBLEM: If you thought you were in “a relationship” and the other person thought that you were “just hanging out” or casually dating, and after the relationship ends, and you try to get him/her back with the mindset of you were in “a relationship”, you are most likely to be unsuccessful because your reality (we were in a relationship) does not match his/her reality (we were casually dating).

Love Always, Always Comes Back

A client who had played mind games with her boyfriend was talking about how much she regrets what she had done and how she wishes she could take it back when out of no where she asked me “Do you believe in karma?”



I didn’t know exactly where she was going with the question, so I said, “Explain karma?”



She said “Karma… like in if you do something it comes back to bite you.”



To which I replied “No. I don’t believe in that kind of karma. But I do believe that the energy we put out into the world each and every day strongly impacts our love relationships.



“That’s what I mean. This is karma.”



“Karma” as a topic itself is very controversial. It means different things to different people. For the purposes of this article, I’ll focus on the law of cause and effect in a love relationship.



It is true that sometimes our actions create an immediate consequence. You try to make your boyfriend jealous by flirting and kissing a guy you are not even sexually attracted to, and your boyfriend gets so jealous that he has sex with your best friend. Or you treat someone you really dig like she means nothing to you and she actually believes you hate her.



In these examples you can see the relationship between cause and effect. But sometimes the effect or reaction is not as direct or immediate. That’s why even when we’re told that the mind games we play will backfire, we don’t believe it. We did it before and there was no direct or immediate consequence. Why stop now?



The effect of most mind games is difficult to evaluate with certainty — and most specific causes can only be seen in hindsight (if at all). But make no doubt about it, everything we do is interconnected even when we can’t see how. Not just the things we do to, for or with the man or woman we love but also the things we do to other people that we think have nothing to do with our love relationship.



If you sell a useless car to an unsuspecting customer and get away with it, you will try it again because even though you know it’s “wrong” there are no negative consequences. You sell another useless car, and then another and still no negative consequences. You even get rich doing it.



The more times you get away with it, the more it becomes like a habit. Something you “just do” without even thinking. And because it works, you try the same tactics in your relationship as well and it works there too. So you do it again, and it works again. Then one day, you are just doing what you always do — and at the worst possible time, it not only doesn’t work, the negative effects are irreversible.



Karma? I don’t know. What I know is that most of the “bad” things that happen to us in our lives and in our relationships are caused by our “bad habits”. Too many “bad habits”, too many heartaches. Just like you can’t cheat death with a lifetime of “bad habits”, you can’t cheat love. Your “bad habits” will eventually catch up with you. And when it happens, it’s too late.



You may say, I know of so-and-so who played mind games but is happily married? The married part may be true, but not the happy part. Most married mind game players are very lonely because even though they are married, the person they are married to is in love with someone else (the person the game player is pretending to be).



Is your break-up relationship karma?



May be or may be not. It depends on how you define karma. The purpose of love however, is not to punish us for the things we’ve done, but teach us to be very mindful of our actions, even when we do not necessarily believe in karma. Every word you utter to your ex and every action you take will have it’s consequences, often times the cause and effect is cumulative.



When you act with deception, selfishness or mean spirit, you set in motion a cause, the effect of which is resistance, distrust and a desire to get as far away from you as possible.



When you act in, with and from love, you set in motion a cause, the effect of which is the return of love. It may not be from the person you seek love from or in the limited way or time frame you think love should present itself, but love always, always comes back.



The surprise bonus! It may come back from your ex.

Do I Breakup My Ex and His New Woman?

Question: We broke up four months ago. During that time my ex met went back to his ex.  Two weeks ago he called me, flirted with me and said he wants to be with me. I communicated to him what I need, want, and feel and he told me that I am everything he would want in a wife.  He is still very strongly attracted to me. He told me that he is only with her because he made a promise to be monogamous and wants to prove to himself that he has morals. He also told me that he is going to keep me in his life no matter what she says. My question is how can I get him back? Do you think I should start with being friends and slowly help him realize that it’s me he wants to be with not her?  Do you have any advice on how to break them up?



Travis:  I’ll not beat about the bush and go right to the heart of the matter.  This thing he says about being with the other woman only because he made a promise to be monogamous and wants to prove to himself that he has morals is pure crap!



This is the kind of “emotional-appeal” a player would make, and any woman would be stupid to believe it. If this were about morals then why is he flirting with you and even wanting be with you again when he has promised to be monogamous with someone else? People with morals don’t say they are monogamous to one woman while flirting and staying in contact with another. This is cruel and hurts both women while he eats his cake and has it too.



To any other woman, I’d have said, if he really believes that you’re everything he wants in a wife let him prove it. Let him come and get you and not you trying to help him realize that it’s you he wants to be with. But in your case, I think you are dealing with a player, an immature man or someone who may not even genuinely care about you.



But for argument’s sake, let’s say he is with his ex just because he made a promise to be monogamous. If he has morals, then he is going to stick to what he promised. So where does that leave you?



I hope you don’t think that because he says “he is going to keep me in his life no matter what she says” somehow makes you more special to him. She is the one who has the guy. You are the one out in the cold.



Do I advice you to start with being friends? I dedicate a whole chapter in my eBook to this stage of getting back together, but based on the information you provided me, the “friendship-zone” for you will be space for him to just play you while playing the other woman too.  And if he is serious about being monogamous with the other woman you’re most likely not going to get back together until he breaks up with her.



I have no advice for you on how to break them up.  It is not my place to tell people what is morally right or morally wrong, however, I work on behalf of love and don’t believe in breaking up relationships (even dysfunctional ones).



Even if you manage to break them up, I have a strong feeling that you and the other woman will just be changing places. That is, he’ll keep her on the side the way he is keeping you — as a safety net. Is that what you really want for yourself?



For your own good, get out of that love triangle now. This guy may have “issues” but you’re not operating from a place of power/healthy self-confidence either. You may have communicated to him what you need, want, and feel, but I don’t think he is taking you seriously. The reason could be he has sensed you lack confidence to actually get these things for yourself and are depending on him to give them to you. Until you’re operating from a place of power/healthy self-confidence you’ll just be a pawn in the game of a player.

In Love With A Married Woman (Dilema)

Question: I found my soul mate. She’s perfect! Only problem is…she’s married.  Every time we say goodbye after a few stolen hours together my heart breaks knowing she is going back to her husband.  The three of us work for the same company.  I can’t move to another state or find another job that pays as good. This little secret is killing me. What’s the point in feeling so connected with someone you can’t share your love with? I think there’s something sadly wrong there somewhere! Any advice on coping with this moral dilemma would be greatly appreciated. Many thanks in advance.





Travis:I won’t try to dismiss your potent feelings as a ‘crush’ or an ‘infatuation’ or a ‘passing fascination’ — if you feel it’s love, then it’s love and I won’t dispute that. But remember she’s married to someone else and that means that she’s not yours – at least not right now. What’s making you feel so miserable is not because you love a married woman, what’s making you miserable is that you have expectations and those expectations are not being met.



Is she your soul mate? I don’t know. There are all kinds of different soul mates and not all soul mate relationships have to translate into a sexual or romantic relationship.



If you truly believe in your soul that this woman is your soul mate, then what I advice you to do is to quit obsessing over the fact that you can’t be with her in the way your ego wants and instead try to figure out why she came into your life. Is it to remind you that you need to reassess your life and the choices you make? Is it to bring to light things in your love life that may need work? Are you attracted to the idea of having her because she’s unavailable? Are you attracted to her because you are afraid of being in a relationship and she posses no threat? Do you have these feelings because she reminds you of what your soul really longs for? To ignore why you have feelings for this woman would be ignoring what your soul is trying to communicate to you.



Obsessing about the fact that you can’t be with her may be keeping you from finding a wonderful, unattached woman out there-who could be looking for you too- someone else who has the same terrific qualities you find attractive in this other woman.



I would not advised you to move especially if you have a job you love and has lots of career prospects. What I’d advised you to do is start looking at this woman with different lenses – the lenses of your soul. Treat her with respect and friendly affection and treat those she loves (husband and family) in the same way. You may end up with a friendship that goes on for decades. And remember, lives change over the course of decades. You might find that you've fallen out of love with her. She may find herself single again someday. Who knows what the future holds? But for now, do the right thing – which is also the wise thing to do.

Men Get Jealous Over Sex & Women Over Emotions

While it has been noted that women cannot digest emotional infidelity and men fail to accept sexual infidelity, new research has suggested that this difference in jealousy goes beyond gender differences.



The researchers said that such differences have more to do with how two people are attached in a relationship. Research has documented that most men become much more jealous about sexual infidelity than they do about emotional infidelity and women are the opposite. The prevailing theory is that the difference has evolutionary origins, men learned over eons to be hyper-vigilant about sex because they can never be absolutely certain they are the father of a child, while women are much more concerned about having a partner who is committed to raising a family.



But now, new study has offered an alternative explanation. The research does not question the fundamental gender difference regarding jealousy, indeed it adds additional support for that difference. But the new science suggests that the difference may be rooted more in individual differences in personality that result from one’s relationship history but that can fall along gender lines.



Pennsylvania State University psychological scientists Kenneth Levy and Kristen Kelly doubted the prevailing evolutionary explanation because there is a conspicuous subset of men who like most women find emotional betrayal more distressing than sexual infidelity. The researchers suspected that it might have to do with trust and emotional attachment. Some people, men and women alike, are more secure in their attachments to others, while others tend to be more dismissive of the need for close attachment relationships. Psychologists see this compulsive self-reliance as a defensive strategy-protection against deep-seated feelings of vulnerability.



The researchers hypothesized that these individuals would tend to be concerned with the sexual aspects of relationships rather than emotional intimacy. They asked men and women which they would find more distressing-sexual infidelity or emotional infidelity. Participants also completed additional assessments including a standard and well validated measure of attachment style in romantic relationships.



Findings confirmed the scientists’ hypotheses. Those with a dismissing attachment style, who prize their autonomy in relationships over commitment, were much more upset about sexual infidelity than emotional infidelity. And on the other hand, those securely attached in relationships, including securely attached men were much more likely to find emotional betrayal more upsetting. The scientists state that these findings imply that the psychological and cultural-environmental mechanisms underlying sex differences in jealousy may have greater roles than previously recognized and suggest that jealousy is more multiply determined than previously hypothesized.

There Someone Else Or Am I Jumping to Conclusions?

Question: I started seeing this guy a month ago. He says he is falling for me and I really like him. We email back and forth and talk everyday. But this is where it gets tricky. He only calls me during the day at work when I’m busy and only have a few minutes to talk. I’ve told him to call me at home in the evenings or nights, he says he’ll call but never once has he called. Every time I call the number he gave me it’s either off or busy. When I leave a message he calls me back after a couple of hours or the next day. His excuses for not picking up the phone vary from he was in a meeting to he forgot the phone in the car.



Over the weekend we were supposed to meet up for lunch and an afternoon to ourselves but he never showed or called. The next day I received a dozen roses and an apology. Ten minutes later he called to say he was very sorry. His brother called about an emergency with his father. He was so worried he forgot to call me and when he did remember he thought I’d be too upset and he wasn’t ready to deal with that too. I’m trying not to jump to conclusions and ruin everything if I’m wrong. But something tells me he may be married or has a girlfriend. What do you think? Am I being too suspicious?



Travis: Is it possible for someone to be in a meeting when you call or forget his phone in the car? Yes, it’s possible. Is it possible for someone to be called away on an emergency and be so worried that he forgets to call to tell you he can’t meet you for your date? Yes, life happens.



But it’s the combination of all the other things, like you dating him for a month but never being able to successfully call him and him calling you only in the day time and never in the evenings or nights that makes it all the more suspicious.



Your instincts may be right. He may be married, married but separated or has a girlfriend. But I also know some guys who are not married but living with their children and try to hide the fact that they’re dating or seeing someone until a time they’re ready to introduce the woman to the children. But most of them usually tell you the reasons they’re “acting fishy” so you don’t get suspicious.



There are a few things you can do to find out what the deal with him is.



You could sneek around and try to catch him in the “act”. However, if you have a full fun life and better things to do, following someone around gets boring real quick (not to mention it’s a kind of “immature”). You could hire a private investigator but for someone you only dated for a month and not even in an exclusive committed relationship, that’s a waste of good money. You could also do an internet search. His home appraisal should reveal he’s married. But again he could be married but separated so I don’t know if the information will help reassure you. The other thing you can do is ask to go to his place but I’ve heard of guys that hire a single friend’s pad for the day.



My best bet – which I believe is the simpler way to get information, is to look him straight in the eye and ask him directly, “Are you married? Do you have a girlfriend? Or Are your seeing someone else?”



There is nothing wrong with asking. These types of questions would come up in any casual conversation between two people who’re attracted to each other and hoping to have a relationship.



Watch his reaction. If he’s married, has a girlfriend or seeing someone else or even just not into you, he’ll 1) laugh it off but not ask you why you think what you think (he already knows why), 2) he may ask you why you think what you think and then try to make you feel stupid for thinking it or for asking 3) get offended that you asked and refuse to talk about it any further.



If he is not married, has a girlfriend or seeing someone else, he’ll 1) laugh it off and deny it right away, 2) ask you why you think what you think, then try to explain himself to your satisfaction.



Make sure you don’t let him off the hook until you feel completely reassured. Go with your instincts, they are there to “protect you” and are rarely wrong when it comes to this type of thing.



The earlier you do this the better. You don’t want to waste your time and feelings on someone who isn’t physically and emotionally available.

Fight For Your Relationship

Lately, I’ve been getting more and more emails from men and women who say my advice has helped them move things to a point where they are in regular contact with their ex, and things even seem to be heading towards getting back together. But for some unknown reason, their ex is still confused about how they feel and what they want. Many of the emails are asking me whether in such a situation one ought to be trying to get back together with their ex or just give up. One person asked me if it’s even possible to fight for the relationship and at the same time allow it to happen naturally.



When it comes to relationships, there is having a relationship with someone and there is struggling to hold on to a relationship you want.



What’s the difference?



If you take an object and wrap your hands around it tightly, what you are doing is communicating a desire to possess what you’re holding on to. The (this is mine) energy going into holding tightly signals the need to control. It also signals fear of losing what you have in your hand. Though the fear can be disguised as “I love him/her very much“, the reactions are not — anxiety, worrying, over-analyzing, neediness and clinging.



But if you open your hand palm up with the object resting on it, you are not holding on to it possessively and you are not controlling it in anyway. You are allowing it to rest on your palm without any effort on trying to hold it. Because there is no fear involved, there is no anxiety, worrying, over-analyzing and clinging.



I would make the same distinction between “struggling to hold on to a relationship” and  “having a relationship with someone”.



The energy that goes into “struggling to hold on to a relationship” is one of fear, anxiety, worry, possessiveness, control, aggression and sometimes even hostility. And you wonder why despite your trying so hard to make the relationship work, make the other person feel loved and/or manipulate (try to make them jealous, using guilt or ultimatums), it always backfires on you.



The energy that goes into “having a relationship with someone” on the other hand is one of openness, friendliness, generosity and being willing to let go if you need to, which is what an open palm symbolizes.



So when you say, “I love him/her so much and I’m willing to do anything to fight for our relationship“, ask yourself if your palm is wrapped so tightly around the object of your desire, or if the object of your desire is resting on an open palm.



If you are with someone who is struggling with his or her feelings for you; on one hand seems to want to be with you and on the other hand acts like they want out, it’s because you are holding on too tightly. Open your palm with the spirit of openness, friendliness and generosity — and be willing to let go if you need to.



But here is the tricky part: Just telling someone you are not going to hold on tightly and are letting them go isn’t going to convince them that you are no longer going to be clingy, needy, controlling or possessive. In fact it will probably backfire. They may think you are breaking up with them and may rush to end the relationship before you end it, or they may think you are giving up on trying to make the relationship work.



The best way to show that you are indeed letting go your tight grip and struggling energy, is to walk the walk with the spirit of openness, friendliness and generosity. That is love with all your heart, but be willing to let go.

Between Genes, Emotion And Marital Satisfaction

Northwestern University have found a major clue in our DNA. A gene involved in the regulation of serotonin can predict how much our emotions affect our relationships, according to a new study that may be the first to link genetics, emotions, and marital satisfaction. The study was conducted at UC Berkeley.



“An enduring mystery is, what makes one spouse so attuned to the emotional climate in a marriage, and another so oblivious?” said UC Berkeley psychologist Robert W. Levenson, senior author of the study published online today (Oct. 7) in the journal Emotion. “With these new genetic findings, we now understand much more about what determines just how important emotions are for different people.”



Specifically, researchers found a link between relationship fulfillment and a gene variant, or “allele,” known as 5-HTTLPR. All humans inherit a copy of this gene variant from each parent. Study participants with two short 5-HTTLPR alleles were found to be most unhappy in their marriages when there was a lot of negative emotion, such as anger and contempt, and most happy when there was positive emotion, such as humor and affection. By contrast, those with one or two long alleles were far less bothered by the emotional tenor of their marriages.



“We are always trying to understand the recipe for a good relationship, and emotion keeps coming up as an important ingredient,” said Levenson, who heads up a longitudinal study that has tracked over 150 married couples for more than 20 years.



The new findings don’t mean that couples with different variations of 5-HTTLPR are incompatible, the researchers note. Instead, it suggests that those with two short alleles are likelier to thrive in a good relationship and suffer in a bad one. The results of the study, which looked at the genotypes of more than 100 spouses and observed how they interacted with their partners over time, bore this out, they said.



“Individuals with two short alleles of the gene variant may be like hothouse flowers, blossoming in a marriage when the emotional climate is good and withering when it is bad,” said Claudia M. Haase, assistant professor of human development and social policy at Northwestern University and lead author of the study, which she conducted as a postdoctoral fellow at UC Berkeley. “Conversely, people with one or two long alleles are less sensitive to the emotional climate.”



“Neither of these genetic variants is inherently good or bad,” Haase added. “Each has its advantages and disadvantages.”



Participants in the study belong to a group of 156 middle-aged and older couples whose relationships Levenson and fellow researchers have followed since 1989. Every five years, the couples have come to UC Berkeley to report on their marital satisfaction and interact with one another in a lab setting while researchers code their conversations based on facial expressions, body language, tone of voice and topic of discussion.



More recently, 125 of the study participants provided DNA samples, and researchers matched their genotypes with their levels of marital satisfaction and the emotional tenor of their interactions in the lab setting.



For spouses with two short 5-HTTLPR alleles, who made up 17 percent of the spouses studied, researchers found a strong correlation between the emotional tone of their conversations and how they felt about their marriage. For the 83 percent of spouses with one or two long alleles, on the other hand, the emotional quality of their discussions bore little or no relation to their marital satisfaction over the next decade.



The link between genes, emotion and marital satisfaction was particularly pronounced for older adults. “One explanation for this latter finding is that in late life — just as in early childhood — we are maximally susceptible to the influences of our genes,” Levenson said.

Jealousy Is Ruining My Relationship

Question: Our relationship started on a strong friendship foundation. There was a real connection. But now we’re fighting all the time. I have worked with many therapists to try to control my jealousy but it only gets better for a while then it’s a problem again. Now he does not want to be sexually intimate with me. He says that because of my jealousy it is hard for him to be relaxed and intimate. I believe he still loves me, at least I hope so but can not bring himself to move past some of the things I’ve said and done. I don’t like being the way I am. I might lose him. I love him. Help me. Please.





Travis:There is no simple way to help you. Jealousy is not something you just advice someone to snap out of it and they do. Yes, it’s definitely triggered by feelings of deep insecurity — sometimes unfounded and other times as a result of the other person’s thoughtless or self-centered actions. I am not saying this is the case with you as you have not indicated to me that your guy is playing stupid head games just to get you jealous, but there are emotionally immature people who do this knowing too well how someone with insecurities will react. The other person’s emotional “upset” somehow reassures them they are “important and needed” — which makes them feel good about themselves.



But jealous is more that about what the other person says or does. Jealousy comes from a need to posses; a need to claim something or someone as yours (me and mine mindset). Some people call this “possessive love”. In my opinion when you add ” possessive” to love, it becomes something else.



When you love someone in a possessive way, the more you think/feel he is not acting like he is “yours”, the more you crave constant reassurance that he is yours.  It’s this craving for constant reassurance that makes the other person feel “trapped” in the relationship – and want out.



Therapy does help some people by going back to the past to find out where the behavior was learned and why, “unlearn” or modify it. As a coach I try very much not to work with the past but with the present to make the future better.



My advice for you is:



1. Develop healthy inter-dependence– having a sense of self that is independent of his. Your sense of self is who you really are without the need for anything or anyone outside of yourself. Discovering what is so “unique” about you helps you operate from a place where you do not feel that you need him to guarantee your “security”. From this place you are more able to function as an autonomous human being with the other’s best interest at heart.



2. Take ownership of your own thoughts and responsibility for your own feelings. It’s good that you’re already taking responsibility for your actions In addition to talking responsibility for your own actions, you must also teach yourself to accept that 100% reassurance that the person will never leave you or cheat on you does not exist even in “perfect” relationships (which we all know do not exist).



3. Redirect all that energy you waste seeking constant assurance to improving your relationship. Become the woman (look, talk and act) he first fell in love with and who (in your mind) you believe he’d want to have an affair with.



If it helps at all (with the jealousy thoughts..:-), him saying he does not want to be sexually intimate with you does not necessarily mean there is someone else or that he wants to start seeing other women. If he deeply loves you as you say he does, he may simply be trying to avoid the “jealousy episodes” by eliminating the “sexual” aspect of the relationship.  You don’t say it, but based on his decision to not be sexually intimate, I have a strong feeling this is what usually begins it.  You might want to pay more attention to this particular area of your relationship — and of yourself.



Don’t let jealousy ruin a good thing!