Travis S. Miller's Blog, page 9

The No Contact Rule Will Not Get Back Your Ex

Question: I've read many of your articles and answers and I think n/c if used properly is way more powerful than you give it credit for. When I broke up with my girlfriend April 13th I went straight n/c for 4 months. No texts, no email, no letters, no phone calls, no asking friends how she was doing, no checking her  Facebook page, no information, no anything. It was very difficult for a while but it got easier with the passing of time. Then out of nowhere she texted me! She wanted to talk and see if we can work things out. This week she again decided she needs to figure out if I am the one for her. I’m letting her do what she wants but I’m going back to n/c.  I’m confident that she'll contact me again. No Contact is hard but I believe it works well. I’m sticking to n/c.



The Love Doctor’s Answer: If you’re talking of No Contact as the fastest way to heal, get over someone, move on, forget about them and find someone new, you're right. Yes, it’s very powerful especially for those people who after breaking up acted “so crazy” that their ex thought they might be clinically insane (and may not want them back anyway), or for extremely needy people who can't resist the urge to contact an ex just to relieve their anxiety.



But if you mean No Contact as a strategy for getting an ex back, NC can lead to delusional thinking and clinging to the false hope of getting back with an ex. Assuming that because you are not contacting someone, that person is spending most of his/her time wondering what you are doing all the time or is missing you and wants to come back sounds more like an ego trip than anything. And while you’re wondering if you will ever hear or even see him/her again your ex might be pissed off that someone who claimed to love him/her so much can just get him/her out of their system so fast.



But just don’t take my word for it. Do a Google search and see how many people actually heard from their ex again after NC, how many of those got their ex back using NC, and how many of those sustained the reunion beyond a few weeks.



Why? Because NC as a strategy for getting an ex back works on the law of scarcity. TAKE IT AWAY AND THEY WANT IT. GIVE IT BACK TO THEM AND THEY WANT IT NO MORE. This is NOT about love. This is about invoking the fear of abandonment in someone who already fears rejection/abandonment. That’s why NC has absolutely NO EFFECT on an ex who is secure/confident in him/herself, one who doesn't want you back anyway or one whom if you do not get in touch with him/her then he/she won't either. NC does NOT bother them the least.



You yourself said you got your ex back using NC but in the same breath admit that you broke up again after a short period of time. Now you're back to NC. Why get back together only to break up and have another nervous breakdown? It doesn't make sense unless one is addicted to high stress and misery. An on-and-off again relationship says, “we have a problem in this relationship and it’s not getting better anytime soon”.



Use NC only for your own emotional health and only if you really need time and space to heal and see things from an outsider’s perspective. Sometimes it’s good to give each other a little space but realize that it’ll not necessarily make the other person want to come back into the relationship. It may even make them realize they’re better off without you. That’s a reality you have to learn to accept.



This is just my humble opinion based on years of experience reuniting couples. But when all is said and done, it’s your life, your decision. You do what you believe is right for you.

Respond To Your Ex’s “No Contact” Rule

You decided to end a relationship that was not meeting your needs, was emotionally suffocating, deeply troubled (too many arguments and fights) or simply moving too fast in terms of the level of closeness or commitment you are comfortable with, and the next thing you know – your ex has completely cut you off. They unfriended you, blocked you, won’t respond to your texts and will not pick up the phone. It’s like he/she disappeared off the face of the earth. No reason. No explanation. Nothing.



Should you fall for the “no contact” ploy and pursue someone who is acting like a sulking child who doesn’t know how to take “no” or “not now” for an answer?



It depends on whether you believe emotional abuse has a place in a healthy relationship. Look, it doesn’t matter how you slice this cake, someone suddenly cutting off all contact in an attempt to get you anxious, fearful, feel rejected, doubt your own desirability, confused and depressed is not acting with love – and you need to recognize it for what it is. Emotional abuse.



When someone uses “silent treatment”, the “cold shoulder treatment” or “no contact” to get you to comply and do what they want, or give them what they want, it’s a behaviour learned from childhood with a parent or key caregiver. A parent or caregiver denies a child attention, affection or love as a way of punishing, hurting, manipulating or controlling him or her; young, innocent and vulnerable, a child gives in or does as told to regain the parent or caregiver’s attention, affection or love.



A child repeatedly exposed to this kind of emotional abuse grows up thinking it’s the only way to get others to do what you want and give you what you want. But the effect of this form of emotional abuse cuts deeper and creates scars that are far more lasting than most people realize. Most people exposed to this kind of emotional abuse live with separation anxiety, are needy and clingy, have low self-esteem, don't trust themselves, have problems telling whether someone is interested in them or not, never ask for what they want, are passive aggressive etc.



But most of all, they repeat this pattern of parent-child relationship in their adult relationships because it feels familiar and even comfortable to them. Most don’t think there is anything wrong with withholding attention, affection or love to force someone to give in to what they would not give in to if they were not emotionally manipulated into giving in.



Some grown-up men and women even believe that withholding attention, affection or love is how you prove that someone really loves you. The more threatened, anxious, rejected, jealous, clingy or desperate he/she feels, the more proof of their love. That’s how sick this is!



A person using “no contact” to make you feel anxious, jealous, clingy or desperate is not doing it out of love. He/she is doing it because he/she needs to emotionally break you to feel in control – just like in the parent-child dynamic they're so familiar with. The sad part is, many people using this unhealthy and dysfunctional relating pattern are not necessarily bitter or vengeful people out to hurt the person they love. They honestly believe that because it was done to them and it worked, it will work with you too.



It sucks! Doesn't it?



If withholding attention, affection or love (silent treatment or cold shoulder), or trying to make you feel anxious, jealous, clingy or desperate is something your ex has a habit of doing or has done in the past, “no contact” is just more of the same.



You know what they say: “You teach people how they treat you.” If you take back someone who thinks it’s okay to punish you for ending a relationship that was not meeting your needs, was deeply troubled (too many arguments and fights) or that was simply moving too fast for the level of intimacy you were comfortable with, you are only re-confirming to him/her that withholding attention, affection or love works.



If you still have feelings for your ex and want to give him/her a chance to break the pattern of dysfunctional relating, send your ex a text or email telling him/her that if he/she doesn't want anything to do with you ever again, then you understand that he/she needs a clean break to move on. But if he/she hopes to get back together with you someday, “No Contact” is not the way to do it. It’s immature, manipulative and undermines any efforts to have a healthy relationship. If he/she doesn't see what’s wrong with this approach to resolving conflict, then it’s best that you both move on.



Don’t just say it as another mind game to try to satisfy your own need to regain control. It’s almost guaranteed that at some point, your ex will come up with his/her own mind game to satisfy his/her own need to regain control… The cycle just doesn’t end.



If your ex sees that you are not falling for his/her “cold shoulder” treatment and are really serious about moving on, he/she will be all over the Internet looking for advice on “what to do when my ex contacts me saying he/she is moving on!” Misery does love company, no doubt much of the advice will be, “don’t give in. stick to No Contact” .



If refusing to repeat your ex’s dysfunctional parent-child dynamic does not force your ex to face his/her childhood issues, then nothing will.



You can’t change someone else. The only person you can change is you. Saying “NO!” to emotional manipulation and/or abuse is taking care of your own emotional health, and cleaning up your emotional energy so that you will be ready for a relationship in which you will be treated with the respect, affection and love you deserve.



Keep in mind that not everyone who suddenly cuts off all contact is doing so to break you. Some people use “No Contact” because they believe it’s the best way for them to heal from the pain and move on. You may not like that this is how they choose to move on, but respect their wish. Some day you’ll want someone else to respect yours too.



It is sometimes hard to tell whether someone is cutting off all contact to get their way with you or doing so to heal and move on, especially if they don’t let you know. In this case it is best to assume that they are moving on and start the process of moving on yourself.

Reasons To Maintain Contact With Your Ex

Communication is one of the top causes, if not, “the” top cause of break-ups. It’s no surprise that “communicating with your ex” is one of the biggest challenges post break-up– and also the most polarizing when it comes to how to get one’s ex back. Some people believe no communication will make their ex miss them and want to come back. Others, like myself, believe communication is crucial to the continuity of any relationship.



Good communication is the glue that holds a relationship together; without communication there is really no relationship. The easiest way to send a message that you do not want a relationship with someone is to cut off lines of communication. But if you want a relationship of any kind, it is imperative that you have some kind of communication for the relationship to continue or survive.



Communication is even more important post break-up because:



1. Break-ups leave a lingering feelings suspicion, mistrust and tension, particularly when things haven’t been going well for a while. The message you send by blocking communication is that the relationship is unsalvageable. That message is louder and clearer if poor communication was what caused the break-up in the first place.



2. After a break-up, things simply are not what they appear to be – even if you think you know your ex. Loss of communication means that you are disconnected from each other and from what’s happening in each other’s lives. The longer you stay away, the more disconnected the two of you become. You become “strangers” to each other.



3. Willingness to keep the lines of communication open in unpleasant situations is a sign of mental strength and emotional maturity. It suggests a kind of security in yourself. So while “No Contact” helps you avoid misunderstandings and potentially explosive situations, it sends a subtle but powerful message about your emotional resilience. Whatever happens later, it’s hard to change the subconscious image of someone who can’t handle difficult situations.



4. Open lines of communication keep the energy flow between you and your ex. It gives you opportunities to demonstrate that things can be different. It also gives you better clarity of where things stand and if there is even a remote possibility of the two of you getting back together. “No Contact” on the other hand keeps you in false hope longer than is necessary.



To be able to attract back your ex, it is crucial to pursue quality and respectful communication.



It is equally crucial that you don’t expect or demand the kind of contact and communication that two people who are still together enjoy. Trying to force things to be like before the break-up can do more harm than good. You may find that you are simply continuing the destructive pattern of communication that caused the break-up — and things are getting worse instead of better.

Reasons Your Ex Is Mean To You

Some break-ups are amicable and others are so nass-teey. Some people stay friends after a breakup, and others want to forget they ever knew each other’s name. Then there are exes that say you are going to remain friends, but then they start acting really cold and mean?



S/he sees you and quickly walks away or ignores you altogether, or s/he talks to you (even sometimes initiates the conversation) only to start telling you how great his/her life is, now that you are not together. S/he goes out of his/her way to be affectionate and flirtatious with others when you are around and tells you about this or that great person s/he’s seeing. S/he even talks about his/her (great) sex life and what this or that other woman/guy does with him/her. And whatever you say or do, all your best intentions are met with hostility, suspicion, resentment, irritation, anger, vindictiveness and worse.



Why would someone who said s/he loved you now be hurting you intentionally?



Some exes act mean because they really want you gone.  It’s a passive aggressive behaviour where someone feels that if they are mean, cold and cruel to you, you’ll get the message and leave them alone. This is especially the case if the person feels that you are in denial or are not accepting the fact that it is indeed over. You trying to hang on to him/her or be a part of his/her life  irritates him/her. Your hanging around  irritates an ex even more if you are still professing your undying love and commitment.



Why doesn’t s/he just tell you to get lost instead of intentionally trying to hurt you?



If the break-up was not nasty or if s/he broke up with you, s/he may be struggling with a combination of pity and guilt. S/he feels pity for you because you are a really “good” human being, but s/he just doesn’t have those romantic or love feelings for you anymore. S/he feels guilty that s/he can not love you as you love him/her and that in some ways makes him/her a “bad” person. The combination of pity and guilt gets under his/her skin, literally, making him/her angry at you for making him/her feel this way. Your sad puppy-face doesn’t help.



Could it be that s/he still has feelings for you?



It is possible that your ex is not over caring for you. His/her cold, mean and cruel behaviour is his/her way of trying to deal with the feelings s/he still has but does not want to feel. You can usually tell an ex is dealing with conflicted feelings by how they go back and forth. One day they are so loving and kind and the next mean and cruel. Their reaction to you reflects what they feel at that time or on that day.



But if the person is angry, mean and cruel to you all the time, with no “loving and caring” breaks in between, they want you gone, like really gone!



Just a word of caution. The sweet-and-mean intervals may also be a result of Bipolar Disorder. If your ex has a history of Bipolar, it may just be that they can’t help themselves.



Does s/he have to hate you that much and be so cruel?



A majority of relationships where an ex acts cruelly post-break-up were toxic to begin with. It’s rare for a healthy relationship to go toxic and unhealthy post-break-up. For some exes, it’s a power/control thing. If they can control how you feel, they control you. For others, they interpret your pain as “you still care for him/her” and that makes them feel good in a twisted way.



If this is what is happening to you, and you are still trying to get your ex back, you need to ask yourself, “Is this person treating me with love and respect?”, “Is this the kind of man or woman I want to spend the rest of my life with?”, “What kind of life would that be?”



Should you then leave your ex alone and move on?



It depends. If this is your ex just being his/her usual mean and cruel self, it may be best for your own good to move away from the emotional abuse. But if your ex is a kind and caring person who would never act mean or cruel unless forced to, then you need to look at yourself. May be your refusal to accept reality or your your needy and clingy actions are forcing your ex to try to push you away. Work on changing you, and see if s/he starts warming up to you again.