Travis S. Miller's Blog, page 7

Can You Read Her Warning Signs?

reader's question

Hey T,



I’m in need of some of your coaching. Recently, I met Janine, a waitress at the local coffee shop. She struck up a conversation about a football game. As the next few months passed, I got to know her better through our short conversations. She always showed a lot of interest in me, asking what I did over the weekend, who I went out with, etc. She also tried to signal numerous times that she was single and that she shared similar interests with me. Although I realized  she wanted me to ask her out, I decided not to because I wasn’t sure whether I really liked her as more than a friend. Eventually, she asked me out to a movie, and I made up some excuse. I turned her down and could see that she was hurt by my response. Soon after this, her interest in me began to fade. But my interest in her began to grow, and I realized that I actually liked her and cared about her a lot, so I decided to ask her out.

you want what you can’t have



When I did, Janine was very rude to me and turned me down by saying that she would go out with me one day when she had the time. A few days later, she apologized and explained that she did like me and wanted to go out with me but was dealing with problems from the past and did not know what to do. As it turned out, she decided to get back together with her ex-boyfriend, and she started to treat me coldly. Annoyed by this, I decided not to go to her restaurant anymore.



When I did eventually go back weeks later, her demeanor was completely different and it has been ever since. She’s been all over me, talking, flirting, etc. She also explained that she was off for five days and didn’t have anything to do since her boyfriend had to work. She seemed to mention him reluctantly.



I am really confused and don’t know what to do. I like Janine (she’s stunning, by the way) a great deal, and she knows it too since I told her so. I also think that she still finds me attractive and knows that I care about her. I can tell from the look in her eyes that she does feel something for me, but I’m not sure what it is. Is she having second thoughts about her boyfriend and, therefore, lining me up should she decide to end it with him? Is she just playing mind games? Or does she feel pity for me and just wants to be friends?



Should I spot the red flags here? I am not sure where I stand with Janine and how I should deal with her going forward, especially if I have such strong feelings for her.



Kemp - who is scratching his head

T's response



Hi Kemp,



When Janine came at you hard at the beginning, you should have asked her out anyway, even if you weren’t sure how you felt about her. You should have taken her to Starbucks, gotten her out of her normal environment and saw how you felt about her after one date. With her coming on to you that strongly, you should have at least given her that one shot and seen if there was something in her personality that you liked. Then you would have avoided all the mess that ensued afterward. But you didn’t.



Of course Janine’s interest in you began to fade when you rejected her. Why should she dig you when you turned her down for a date? But then you changed your mind and decided you wanted to take her out. You’ve got a problem, Kemp. There’s something wrong with you. This girl backs off from you, and all of a sudden you see the light? When she rebuffed you she punctured your big ego. That’s what really happened.



When Janine told you that she would go out with you when she had the time, you should have seen that she was an uptight woman — a big red flag. To you Psych majors, you don’t want to get involved with an uptight woman. Women turn guys down all the time, but when Janine got rejected, she threw a little tantrum and treated you like crap. When a woman — or anybody — acts rude to you, they are out forever.

Worse, when Janine let it drop that she was dealing with problems from the past, it meant she had scars and baggage. This girl has heavy mileage on her, and she’s a psycho. So why are you pursuing her?



To boot, now there’s an ex-boyfriend in the picture. And she’s going back and forth with you like a yo-yo. There’s a boyfriend and inconsistent behavior on top of rudeness — another two reasons not to get involved with Janine. Do you really need any more?



Then she reversed gears and draped herself all over you, chatting, flirting, etc. My friend, you sure have a short memory. Someone is surly to you, and you just forgive her like nothing ever happened? What is it with you? Like most men when it comes to women, you’re weak.



And she hinted around that you should take her out since her boyfriend was working. In other words, she’s willing to be a sneak and run around behind his back and practice the virtue of loyalty! Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “This one sounds like a real keeper!”

she's inconsistent

Kemp, you don’t know what to do because you haven’t memorized my program, which says when a woman is inconsistent, she’s out. Janine is stunning? Guy, you just got through telling me that you didn’t know if you liked her! So which is it? Hey, who doesn’t like a stunning girl? So you’re inconsistent too. But I’m glad you told her that you dug her so much. You’re a real Challenge, dude.

Let me explain something to you, Kemp. Because you care for a girl doesn’t mean anything to her. This is one of the most basic rules of my philosophy. If you like a girl, it doesn’t raise her Interest Level. Challenge and Humor raise her Interest Level, not knowing how you feel about her.



But you swear she feels something for you. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “I think she’s got a Cadillac in her eye!” Or you think she might be lining you up in case she dumps her boyfriend, or she’s just playing mind games. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Guy, you better lay off the funny cigarettes that have no writing on them!”



Janine doesn’t feel pity for you; she doesn’t feel anything for you, and she could care less about being your friend. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “You’re just a guy who orders from her and over-tips her.” And that’s all you are.



The only strong feelings that count here are Janine’s, not yours. Forget her, move on and get a hold of my program as soon as possible. And, oh, yeah, find another coffee shop.



Remember, guys: When they run hot and cold, that's a red flag that should tell you to get out.

The 10 Freakiest Dating Red Flags

There’s nothing worse than hooking up with a girl and getting blindsided the next morning with an email from her address: Sunkist19@hotmail.com. Forget about the fact that her email asks if you wore a condom (you didn’t) and whether or not she should go pick up some Plan B (she should). Instead, your worry should be the Hotmail URL in her email address. Of course, you can automatically forget about checking your fantasy football stats at her house (she still has dial-up), and you can say sayonara to your go-to soft porn DVDs that you use to spice things up at her place (she’s rocking a VCR). But the woman who hasn’t stepped into the Gmail game is 95% likely to be problematic. Is she from the sticks? Is she a psycho Craigslist killer? Does she even know how to read? It almost doesn’t matter. Just stay away.



She's been cheated on more than once



Clearly a woman who cheats is one we should stay away from. But don’t look past the danger of a girl who reveals she has been the victim of several unfaithful boyfriends. It’s possible that she’s been plagued by bad luck or bad dudes, but it’s also possible she’s horrible in bed, hosts some bizarre book clubs or is doing something else to bring guys to the point of cheating.



She doesn't say "thank you" when you open the door for her



Dating Red Flags If it happens once, fine. If it happens twice, take note. If it happens multiple times, get ready to run the other way, or else you'll get involved with a woman that will take you for granted. Unfortunately, there are women out there who have an expectation that things will automatically be done for them. Maybe she grew up being Daddy’s little princess. Maybe she dated a guy a few years back who did nothing but watch The Notebook, lie his coat down over puddles and buy her jewelry. The cause is not your concern. Your worry should be, “Do I leave from the same door that I just opened, or is it best to use the back?”



She's never had a one-night stand



Dating Red Flags Many men operate under the assumption that it’s preferable to date a woman who has never given in to her sexual desires with a guy she just met and never plans to see again. What worries us, though, is that this woman doesn’t have the ability to let loose. She’s potentially so guarded and conservative that she’ll never open up to spontaneous fun. While you don’t want a floozy, it’s nice to have a girl who can lose her inhibitions every once in a while.



She's never smoked pot



Dating Red Flags There you are sitting across the table from a girl as you tell her tales from a past that involves the Dave Matthews Band, Phish or Snoop, and just as you get to the most exciting part, you realize that the person sitting across from you is not really a person at all. Staring back at you, in a state of confusion (as if she’s high), is a woman who has never stopped to enjoy the smell of the sweet roses that grow from the stems of marijuana plants. Now, not that we’re condoning the use of an illegal drug or anything, but there’s a pretty good chance that any woman who has spent her whole life saying “no” is going to be pretty rigid in her views. Is this rigidity prevalent across other areas in her life?



She doesn't drink beer at a live sporting event



Peanuts, hot dogs and beer: the only three things that should ever be consumed at a live sporting event (OK, we’ll throw those nacho trays in there, too). Seeing those Mai Tai Maidens descend the steps at the game, wearing heels and sipping rum punch out of their pink cups, offends our sense of tradition. It also warns us that the girl is a high-maintenance hussy who we want no part of. Real women eat red meat and drink cold beer.



She has a cat



Here’s an important distinction: One cat is -- without question -- 100% a red flag. We heard the term “crazy cat lady” a million times, but that implies that said lady must have multiple cats. We’re here to tell you that regardless of the number, there’s a good chance she’s crazy. You see, a woman who gets a cat generally does so to fulfill her desire to have a companion who allows her to remain detached from human relationships. She likes a cat because it never questions her and because she can pay attention to it on her own time. Does this sound like the type of lover you’d like? You’re better off cutting your losses before you have a runny nose, a handful of soiled kitty litter and a girlfriend who’s as cold as ice.





She pats her pizza down with a napkin



“What the hell? Are you using that napkin to… No… Please, no!”





We’ve seen a lot of crazy things in our day, but this is a sight that we hope you never have to witness. We applaud these women for doing the right thing and eating pizza, but why can’t they just eat the pizza? Little does she know she’s only saving about 40 calories per slice. Hardly worth the effort and disgusting mess of ratty napkins that she leaves in her wake. What’s worse, the pizza patter is very defensive. If you try reasoning with her, you’ll be left with a face full of greased-up napkins and surely no sex for the night. But do you really want to sleep with someone who’s also likely to make you “clean up” after sex?



She doesn't have any date able friends



We’re never thrilled when a girl asks us to join her for dinner with a couple of her gal pals. But it’s more tolerable when we can spend it imagining ourselves having threesomes with all of them. If a girl doesn’t have any cool, good-looking friends, it says more about her than it does about her friends. Is she the jealous type? Is she paranoid that hotter friends might steal her man? Does she always need to be the center of attention?



She doesn't understand that men are naturally wired to be polygamists



Despite whatever cultural and societal demands we have, it is scientifically proven that men are still, at the end of the day, animals. We’re naturally wired to procreate with many different women in order to ensure our survival. This fundamental truth scares the hell out of some very naive women. They think guys should stay faithful to their girlfriends because it’s the right thing to do and that men should never cheat on their wives because marriage is sacred. They also think it’s OK to put on a few pounds, cut their hair like lesbian softball players and wear unflattering undergarments to bed every night. They are so confident you’ll stay with them no matter what that they completely give up trying to do things to keep you interested and attracted.

Red Flag #2: She’s a vegetarian

The good news about being a vegetarian is that you’ve probably gotten skinny, reduced your carbon footprint, and saved a few cows from an early grave. The bad news is that the guys you want to date don’t care.



We care more about your shape (waist-to-hip-to-breast ratio) and less about your size (skinny), so we’re not impressed when your figure resembles that of an emaciated giraffe. We’ll recycle cans and try not to litter, but we’re not going to get sentimental over saving the world from a couple of extra pig poots. We understand that you want us to feel some compassion for the animals, but it’s hard for us to apologize for being on the top of the food chain. Don’t think for one second that cows don’t spend every day in their pasture wishing they were faster, smarter, and fitted with sharper teeth and opposable thumbs so that they could turn the tables on us. Bears do it to people all the time; birds haven’t quite figured it out yet so they’ll just continue to shit on us until evolution turns them back into dinosaurs –and then they’ll eat us too. That’s just how the ecosystem works. We’re all competing for the same scarce natural resources and we’re all trying to satisfy our need for protein in the most efficient and pleasurable way possible. For most guys, that means eating meat.



Some women think that being hot saves them from this red flag. It doesn’t. Meeting a hot vegetarian is like meeting a hot step sister. Technically, there’s nothing biologically wrong with dating you, but there’s a moral dilemma that prevents us from trying. While we have some rational and scientific arguments to support meat-eating, we’re not going to pretend to be experts on morality or the long-term impacts of eating meat. That’s not true to who we are, nor will it be true to most guys you encounter on the dating circuit. Instead, what we do know is that a hamburger tastes pretty damn good and dating a girl who morally opposes eating meat means she won’t be making us a hamburger and she might even try to make us feel guilty for eating one.



We know that your soy burgers are just to die for, but imitating red meat won’t be enough to help you overcome this red flag.



Instead you’ll have to demonstrate that you’re tolerant of our food choices even if they conflict with yours, and that you won’t harass us every time we buy a porterhouse. If that doesn’t work you’ll have to get salacious, and eliminate the red flag by telling us you prefer to get your protein from semen.

Red Flag #1: She has a cat

Let’s get one thing straight. All it takes is ONE cat for you to get a red flag. Just as a girl on a street corner gets her start saying “I’ll just do one,” all crazy cat ladies start with just one little fur ball. Since cat lovers tend to be pretty difficult to deal with, our normal red flag approach won’t work. Fear not, cat cradlers, for we have a solution.



We’ll just address your cat instead…



Here, kitty, kitty. Oh, no, it’s okay, precious kitty, we’re not going to hurt you. Don’t try to text an emergency message to PETA on your proprietor’s cell phone. We just want a minute of your precious time. Alone. Man-to-feline. We wouldn’t dare touch you, as your owner is sure to return from the bathroom in a matter of seconds [Oh, we’re sorry. You’re right, kitty, she isn’t actually your owner, she’s just the head of your staff. Our apologies].



We understand there are some compelling reasons that you think the lady in the restroom might like to have you around. You’re small, independent, and relatively low-maintenance (unlike your caretaker). You’ve always been so cute, from the moment you were a cuddly, little newborn kitten to your current full-grown glory. That time you snuck into the dryer before all the clothes had been taken out was so clever. And the day when the microwave scared you so much that you scaled the drapes and tight-roped the curtain rod like you were a furry Phillipe Petit demonstrated your incredible reaction time. Why, you could even entertain millions with your head-stuck-in-a-jelly-jar routine. Such talent.







There’s a problem, though, Your Majesty. It’s just… well, there’s a strong chance the woman you’re living with is using you.



It turns out all that petting and caressing she gives you is simply a thank you in exchange for the titillation you provide as you stroll around her ankles and gently brush across her calf. If you could only see the blush in her cheeks as you pass by. She hasn't felt nether-region warmth like that since watching the pottery scene in Ghost. Heaven forbid if she possessed your soft tongue and flexible torso what awful things she might do to satisfy her womanly desires. The lonely brute.



But what about your toy mice, the yarn balls, and the furry tails? Cheap ploys, kitty, a way for you to entertain her on weekends when she’s alone. She’s not spoiling you, she’s enslaving you. Haven’t you noticed that the only time you can play with the Bird is when the TBS Friday Night Rom-Com goes to commercial break?





Cat enslavement tool. Not a french tickler.

It gets worse. You thought she was letting you outside to pounce around in the grass and chase birds, but she actually just wanted you out of the way while she changed your litter box. She didn’t want you to see her cringe in disgust as she was scooping and sifting your precious poo. Can you imagine that she actually thinks your sh-t stinks? The nerve.



Before we escape, we’ll leave you with a bit of advice: don’t get too comfortable in that awesome new kitty palace she erected in her bedroom. The four perches, three scratching posts, and two automatic food dispensers may feel like an act of good will and recognition for your need for ample space, but it’s actually a play pad for your future kitty roommates. She’ll never have any human companions in the bedroom, but that doesn’t mean she’ll give you the same privacy.



This must be a lot of information to process, Your Grace, and we’re sure you’re planning a lot of arm scratching, carpet peeing, and upholstered couch destruction as revenge for her manipulation. In return for this secret information, we only ask of you one simple favor. Take this red flag in your mouth and go jump in her lap when she gets back from the bathroom. She’ll know what it means.

Things Not To Do When Your Ex Is With Someone Else

There are three common schools of thought on how grabbing back your ex from the jaws of the other man/woman can be accomplished.



1. Give him/her an ultimatum



Give him/her three weeks or three months to end the relationship with the other man/woman or you will move on.



Ultimatums are usually a very bad idea. Even though your ex might feel love and want to be with you, the last thing a man or woman wants is to be forced into a corner, to be made to feel powerless. His/her immediate reaction is usually to fight back by leaving or continuing a relationship with you but make your life a living nightmare.



Ultimatums (threats) suggest you’ve already lost.



2. Make him/her jealous



Ignore him/her — don’t text, email, call and don’t return his/her texts/calls/emails. And for woman, use sex as a bargaining chip etc.



Personally I’d never advice any woman or man to use any of these mind games because manipulating someone into a relationship with you is like setting up your own trap for hurt and pain. First of all, manipulation tactics work on all people. Most people can see through that kind of trap and walk the other direction into the hands of a more loving, straightforward, simpler and easier to get along with man or woman. Secondly, you may end up with the physical form of the man/woman but not his/her mind, heart and soul.



Like I said you are setting yourself up for your own heartbreak.



3. Attack the other man or woman



Many people faced with competition instinctively “fight dirty ” by putting down, calling names or making derogatory remarks about the other woman’s attractiveness or man’s sexual life etc.



The sad reality is that when you put down the person your ex is attracted to, you are sabotaging yourself without even knowing it:



1) Your ex will feel personally attacked for his/her choice of men/women;



2) You are showing your lack of confidence in yourself by comparing yourself with another man/woman and;



3) You are pushing your ex to make a choice in favour of the other man/woman, especially if he/she’s not saying “bad ” things about you.



Is it even possible to get your ex back, and is it worth the trouble?



Trying to get back an ex who is dating someone else is not easy. Let’s just get that one out of the way.



Now, is it possible to get your ex back from the other man or woman? Yes.



Is it worth the trouble? That’s up to you to decide.



What I can tell you for sure is that if your mind is set on “all competition is bad”, you’re better of just walking away, and finding yourself someone else.



The presence of someone else in your ex’s life, means that you do not have all of his/her attention. And if he/she is really digging the other man/woman, it also means you have to accept the fact that you are going to have to share his/her affections.



You have to come to terms with the fact that you are going to have to be the “bigger” person. But more importantly, you have to determine in your mind how you are going to show your ex that you are the “better” option, without putting pressure on him/her to make a decision in your favour. Any kind of pressure, may tip your ex to the other side.

Love It Is Too Good To Be True

I was first introduced to Second Life by a man who wanted help getting his ex wife back. He told me from the moment they met they both instantly knew they were meant to be together. A week after they met, he proposed and she said yes. Although it was a private wedding, it was the wedding of their dreams. Wedding night sex, the morning after and the whole honeymoon was exactly how they’d imagined it to be – and more.



Two days after they returned from their honeymoon, they both were at the pharmacy purchasing a pregnancy test kit when she caught him checking out another woman. They had a fight and she broke up with him. She moved out of their house and filed for divorce.



He wanted me to help him get her back into his life.



Usually when I work with someone trying to get their ex back, how long they've been together gives me a rough idea of how well two people know each other, and if there was enough time to build a strong emotional bond that can survive a break-up or separation.



“How long were you together?” I asked.



“A little over three weeks”, he replied.



I am sitting there thinking, “Met, married and divorced all within three weeks, where the hell am I?”



The deafening silence must have got to him. “By the way”, he said “we met in Second Life.  I've never met her in real life”.



Second Life, I found out is a free 3D virtual world where users can socialize or do business in a virtual environment using voice and text chat. But more than that, it’s a place where men and women go to find romance.



Users register with a virtual dating service. They submit a photo, which the service presents as an animated online character or avatar. The user dresses the avatar the way he or she would like to be dressed. The date takes place in a setting of one’s choosing e.g. beach, restaurant, nightclub etc. Communication is mainly through voice and text chat. To give it an “emotional feel”, users use emoticons to trigger avatar responses.



Avatars can touch hands, hug, cuddle, kiss and even have sex — in the clouds.  You can even buy a home or island, go shopping, exercise in the gym, have a baby — and all the stuff people do in real life.



According to this guy, even though they were both married in real life, the feelings in Second Life were very intense and real. He can’t stop thinking about her, can’t sleep and hasn’t been eating proper meals.



A part of me wanted to chirp in, “In 3D virtual world?”  But this was no place for being a smart-ass. This guy was hurting and it was real.



I have written a few articles about the perils of idealistic or romantic love, and I frankly can’t say I am surprised that this is what it has come to. It was only a matter of time.



One of love’s most powerful enemies may well be our obsession with “feeling good” whenever we’re feeling incomplete. While romantic feelings — which are usually very intense — exercise both passion and imagination, and can produce great enjoyment and pleasure, romantic love can become a barrier to true love.



The obsession with “You make me feel good and I will make you feel good” sweeps us into delusion. We hold fast to illusions, even dangerous ones all for a perfect feel-good fantasy. Often times we end up with an illusory relationship which goes up in smoke when the illusion gives way to reality.



Sociologist Mary Evans in her book, In Love: An Unromantic Discussion, urges us – women in particular – to abandon romantic love. It is individualistic, she says. Its expectations are too high. It is demanding. It’s com modified love. It is a myth. It’s bound to fail. For women, it is a trap.



I personally do not believe that romantic love is responsible for all relationship problems – but I wish people wouldn’t pretend that romanticizing love does not create all kinds of personal and social consequences that come back to bite us in the ass.



A relationship guided more by the feel-good principle becomes one of speed but no substance, romance but no love.

What Makes A Woman Less Than Ideal

According to a survey published in the Mirror, blokes who reckon their partners are ideal are just 67%.



The study published November 23, 2012, listed a bad temper and an obsession for cleanliness as some of the major characteristics that make most women less than “ideal”.  A dislike of sport, overreacting, criticizing driving and an insistence on watching soaps are other reasons that make men feel their wives or girlfriends are far from perfect.



But get this! Blokes aren't necessarily searching for perfection, the study found. Just a fifth of those quizzed insisted they wanted a ­flawless partner.



The biggest imperfections cited by both sexes are just little things that can easily be changed.



Cool…



Now, if only more North American men had more tolerance for “those little imperfections” that can be changed, and more North American women stopped believing and acting like they are perfect… the world would be a happier place.

Who Does Have More Power In Your Relationship?

Does it make you angry and frustrated that your ex has “more power” in the situation than you do?  If it does, you need to read this — to the very end.



According to a new study recently published online in the National Communication Association’s journal, Communication Monographs, people’s thoughts during a conflict situation reflect and shape their own relationship satisfaction and can even affect how happy their partner is.



People who spend more time thinking about how angry and frustrated they are, or thinking about how much power they have or their ex has, are more likely to think with their emotions (have emotional thoughts) which affect how they act, react and respond during conflict, which in turn affects the relationship.



Anita Vangelisti, Ph.D., professor of communication at the University of Texas at Austin and her colleagues studied 71 young unmarried heterosexual couples in Texas, who had been together an average of three years. Each person was encouraged to privately express his or her thoughts aloud to a researcher while in a separate room from the other partner and while communicating about a topic of conflict with the partner via a computer chat program. The chat program showed the person’s typed messages in one section and the partner’s replies and messages in another section, but did not display the person’s vocalized thoughts, which were tape recorded.



The researchers found that during a discussion involving conflict with a romantic partner, when one person thinks about making excuses or denying his or her role in the conflict, the other partner was likelier to be unhappy in the relationship than those whose partner did not “stonewall.”



People in unhappy relationships were more likely to be inflexible in their thinking and more interested in changing the subject of discussion. They also thought more about how repetitive the discussion felt. When both people in the relationship were dissatisfied, they were more likely to think about the power they had or their partner had in the relationship. They also were more likely to focus their thoughts on disagreement or emotions, such as anger and frustration, at the same time as their partner.



“We don’t have data on what happens when partners change their thoughts, but our findings certainly do suggest that thinking about how angry and frustrated you are — or thinking about how much power is being wielded during a conflict — is not beneficial for the relationship,” Vangelisti said.



Unlike other studies, which found differences between men’s and women’s thoughts during disagreement, the current study found only one statistically significant sex-based difference in thoughts: women were more likely than men to blame their partner.



“The results … raise questions about widely accepted differences between women’s and men’s conditions,” the authors wrote.



The investigators cautioned, however, that computer-aided interactions are not the same as face-to-face conversations because they do not give participants access to each other’s expressions or tone of voice. Participants’ thoughts may therefore differ from those they might have during a face-to-face conflict, they concluded.



The article, “Couples’ Online Cognitions during Conflict: Links between What Partners Think and their Relational Satisfaction,” is currently online in Communication Monographs.

Time It Takes To Get Back Your Ex

Because every time we try to make love work in a specific way, at a specific time, in a specific sequence, it’s almost always certain that it’ll backfire on us — and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen it backfire on so many men and women.



You can not make love work on a schedule. You just can’t. You can create conditions and learn experience-enhancing skills, habits, traits or other behaviors that make love most likely to happen faster, but when love happens is ultimately out of your control.



This can be hard to swallow especially if you are so used to doing things at the pace you choose and at the times you choose for the results you want. Because you've always, by will power, hard work and determination made things happen, you can’t help but try to somehow force love to work on your schedule and do what you want it to do.



Occasionally you may succeed in manipulating a few things to work in your favour, but as you will soon find out, only temporarily. The harder you try to force love to work on your schedule and do what you want it to do the more stress, frustration and unhappiness you experience. In most case, all you end up doing is coming across as pushy, manipulative, controlling, desperate and needy.



Trying to force love to work on a schedule is what sometimes makes some people think that things are not working out even when everything is really working out the way it is supposed to. Many get discouraged and begin to lose hope, and others give up because it’s taking so long. Some give up just when they were closer than they were ever before.



Others take the drastic step of breaking up and cutting off all contact. On the onset this seems like regaining that sense of control because it somehow stops them from feeling the frustration with their current situation. But instead of feeling in control they find themselves thinking over and over about situations they have control over, and losing hours of sleep in search of that much needed but illusive “closure”.



And here is the tragic part. The way that you act and behave when things don’t go your way or when you don’t get what you want tells the other person what kind of person you will be like to live with (for the rest of their lives).  And since the greatest natural relationship killer is the fear of regret — something your behavior may already be causing — the other person will most likely want nothing to do with you after seeing you act pushy,  manipulative, controlling and/ or running away to hide instead of calmly facing the situation.



Let me say it again: You can not make love work on a schedule. The sooner you accept this simple truth the more likely that you’ll not only be able to salvage your relationship, but make it last for a very long time.

The Connection You Had With Your Ex

“We looked into each other’s eyes and made a connection”



“We had a special connection, it’s like we knew each other”



“I've never felt anything like this with anyone else”



“He/she is like nobody I have ever met”



These are some o the words many of my clients use to describe the relationship they had with their ex — and I believe them wholeheartedly. It is possible to have such a strong connection with someone on a level that is beyond words. Many of us have experienced it, not just with one person but with several people. This connection can come in many different ways – a look, a tone of voice, words spoken, etc.



But why, after a few months or years does that “special” connection begin to fade or disappears completely?



Many people I talk to say “lack/poor communication” and they are probably right. Verbal communication, especially in Western culture is a big thing. But as someone coming from a non-western culture, my take is that we lose that powerful almost soul-like connection when we stop “seeing each other” or when one person “hides” him/herself from the other.



For those of you who have been to East Africa, you’ve probably heard some African “tribes” greet each other with “I see you” and the other replies, “I am here’” or when people are saying good byes and one person says “I’ll see you” and the other responds “when I see you.”



What this way of greeting and saying goodbye means is that until you “see” the other person, they basically do not exist. It’s only by “seeing” him or her that you bring him/her into existence. To put it in a way that many of us are familiar with, “we create our own reality”, even the people in our reality are “created” by us.



You can easily dismiss someone from your reality by refusing to “see” them or “blocking” them from “seeing” you. They’ll see your physically being but not your soul-being.



Some of my North American friends have been offended when they get an angry or rude “don’t try to be familiar with me” or “you don’t know me like that” when they try to make “eye-contact”; something we in the West insist on because it shows you are “friendly” or “honest”, but in the African context is considered “invasion of privacy”. Eye contact in the African context is offered as a “gift’; permission to look into one’s soul.



What has this got to do with your relationship or even your ex?



When we first meet someone, look into their eyes and have that “special” connection, we not only see the beauty in their eyes, we actually “see” their soul. The “I am here” of who they really ARE. A connection at this soul level is very powerful so much that some people have a physical reaction — like a jolt when someone nudges you out of a nap.



But over time, as the relationship matures, many of us stop “seeing” each other and many more are physically present in their relationships but are not present as in “I AM HERE”.  We get into the whirlwind of romance forgetting to nurture what connected us to the other person in the first place. This is when a “disconnect” in the relationship begins. At this point, many of us say we are having “communication problems” and employ all the positive communications skills (listening, validating, affirming etc) and also the non-positive ones (nagging, complaining, yelling, silent treatment etc).



But nothing works… why? Because you stopped “seeing” each other.



Sadly enough, when trying to get their ex back, many people still think it’s a “communication problem” that’s stopping them from recapturing that “special connection” they once had with their ex. I’ve seen hundreds of clients work on their “communication skills” (being polite, calm and even submissive) but still get no where and don’t understand why.



“Seeing” each other is simply being present and connecting at a soul level. It’s postponing one’s “agenda” and being with the other person, in that moment — open and vulnerable. Sometimes this can be hard with your ex because they either have been hurt before or are scared of getting hurt, so they “block” you from “seeing” them. But if you calmly, humbly and persistently “seek” their “permission” to “see” them again, they may give it to you. This is not something you can force them to do, convince them to do or manipulate them to do — the soul being in us sees through those kind of “superficial” maneuvers. We experience it as “just a feeling” because there are no words to explain soul experiences.



The risk is that you could get hurt. Your ex many not like the person they “see”, especially if that person is desperate, angry, guarded, conniving, exploitative, selfish etc. No great listening, validating, affirming etc skills or calm soothing tone of voice will make him or her want to come back. He or she “sees” who you really ARE!