Travis S. Miller's Blog, page 2
January 30, 2016
Bounce Back from Failure
If you’re working hard and taking chances in life, here’s an
uncomfortable truth: You will fail from time to time, and certainly more
than the average person. The cost of confronting your limitations, of
course, is your sense of confidence, the one quality we need to succeed
and risk losing when we fail. Understanding how to restore confidence
when it dips is an essential skill, and it depends on three core
components: attitude, knowledge and experience.
By working within those three domains, we can learn to rebuild and
sustain confidence through its natural ebbs and flow. Adopting the
powerful principle of “as if” and tending to our wounds helps us develop
the attitude necessary for authentic confidence. Reframing our failures
as growth opportunities allows us to expand the knowledge that
underpins confidence. And refusing to quit while celebrating small wins
feeds the life experience that underlies true and lasting confidence.
This constellation of capabilities — attitude, knowledge, and experience, which together make up AOC’s CAKE formula
— is the formula for true and sustainable confidence. That’s what this
article is about: How to restore your confidence when it takes a hit —
in an authentic, meaningful, and lasting way.
Act “As If”
As with most cliches, “Fake it till you make it” has an inkling of
truth to it. Sometimes, “faking” your way through an activity — which
means going through the motions of life as a stepping stone to
reengaging — turns an obstacle into a reality.
Author AJ Jacobs is a great example of that principle. In an old piece, he writes openly about working amidst his despair over a particularly heavy book project:
My solution? Deception. I tricked my brain. I’d force myself to act in an optimistic way…
And after a couple of hours, it worked. My mind would catch up with
my actions. I would start to feel optimistic. It’s astounding how much
the outer can affect the inner, how much behavior can affect your
thoughts.
Research confirms Jacobs’ experience. A study from Harvard, published in Psychological Science, shows that body language can influence how confident you feel, as Amy Cuddy highlights in this TED talk. (Here’s a working copy of that paper.) As we teach here at AOC, the body follows the mind, and the mind follows the body.
In that view, confidence isn’t something we have, it’s something we do.
Acting “as if” should never be a permanent solution to dips in
confidence, but done right, it won’t need to be. Once we trick ourselves
into going through the motions, our true selves — that is, our
confident selves — take over. And that’s what restoring confidence looks
like in action.
Tend to Your Wounds
True confidence isn’t about suppressing pain or pretending that
failure doesn’t hurt. On the contrary: true confidence comes from
accepting blows to our ego, allowing ourselves to acknowledge the
associated feelings, and finding ways to stay in the game.
So an important component of restoring confidence is allowing
ourselves the time and energy to tend to our wounds. We don’t need to
dwell on them or give them more importance than they deserve (tending to
your wounds can become a full-time job — and another seductive way to
avoid action!), but we do need to acknowledge them in order to move
forward. Remember, vulnerability is the most profound form of strength.
If your confidence has taken a hit, don’t expect the recovery to be
instantaneous. A professional, personal, or creative setback will take
time to properly process. Your wounds might not fully heal for some time
(or ever, in some cases), but they will eventually become more
bearable. More importantly, if you stay in the game, those wounds will
morph into something more profound: a reminder that confidence, like a
muscle, only grows through challenges. As Andrew Solomon helped us
realize, the worst moments in our lives can make us who we are.
So how can you tend to your wounds and use them to restore confidence?
Spending time with loved ones is important. The people you care about
can lend an ear and empathize when you need it most. Discussing your
challenges and processing your feelings is a highly therapeutic process
in the right company. Friends, accountability partners, family and
significant others are excellent partners for that conversation.
Travel is also a powerful way to heal. Sometimes, getting out of your
immediate surroundings (even for a day trip) will give you the space
and clarity to reflect. It can also remind you how vast and exciting and
significant the world is, which is easy to forget when your confidence
dips.
Journaling is another important process. Self-reflection (in whatever
form) gives us the time and perspective to process events as they
unfold. Writing them down gives them a degree of objectivity and safety,
and helps us realize that our wounds are not always as deep as they
seem. Journaling also creates a record of your growth for you to
revisit, so you can track your wins along the way. The entire process is
both therapeutic and motivational.
But more important than how you heal is that you heal — that you allow yourself to authentically process your feelings, accept them, and forge ahead.
Remember: Tending to your wounds is a crucial step in restoring
confidence, but it’s not an end in and of itself. Ignoring a blow to
your confidence is just as dangerous as overindulging in self pity.
Recognize the urge to either repress or sulk, which are really two
different ways of avoiding action. (In fact, you can think of those two
extremes as desirable forms of quitting!)
Like all good therapy, the goal here is to get back to the business
of being you — to the process of building your confidence by checking in
with yourself, staying in the game, reframing your setbacks, and
remembering that beautiful paradox: that by risking your confidence out
there in the world, you ultimately contribute to its growth.
Reframe Your Failure
There’s a famous story from IBM.
An executive there once thought he was going to get fired after losing
$10 million of the company’s money, only to have the CEO surprise him.
“Fired? Hell, I spent $10 million educating you. I just want to be sure you learned the right lessons.”
The price of failure is a lesson learned with pain. Perhaps you’ve
been embarrassed, dumped, or fired. Maybe you’ve spoken out of turn or
blown a deal. These setbacks can keep you on the sidelines, make you
feel defeated, and brand you as a failure.
Or you can choose to see these moments as an opportunity to learn,
become better, and rebuild for the future. That doesn’t mean it won’t
hurt. It just means that your “failure” isn’t the full story. The rest
of the story is what you choose to learn and do by seeing the situation
differently.
This technique is called reframing (which we’ve touched on
previously), and this perceptual shift allows you transform the beliefs
that don’t help you achieve your goals (called “unresourceful beliefs”)
into ones that do, and create actionable steps to make change. Failure,
as we’ve said, is inevitable. How you process those failures is up to you.
As interviewer Zane Lowe once said to Kanye West, “You win or you learn.” Through that lens, total failure — in which you gain nothing at all — is actually an illusion.
Make It Difficult to Quit
There are few things as immediately gratifying as quitting. When you
quit a difficult project or avoid taking a risk, a sense of relief
replaces a sense of dread. You don’t have to fight any longer. You don’t
have to challenge your beliefs. You can rest. You can remain the same.
You get to enjoy a temporary refuge from the stress, anxiety, and
frustration of confronting your limitations. And let’s be honest: When
you’re feeling unconfident, quitting often feels like the only viable
option.
But quitting has long-term consequences that can far outweigh the
immediate rewards. Sidestepping or shying away from an opportunity
doesn’t remove your desire to grow; it only paints over it by postponing
your discomfort. It also keeps you stationary and stagnant, and denies
you the satisfaction of progress, which is the currency of confidence.
True gratification doesn’t come from avoiding blows to your confidence,
but from stick with the opportunities that challenge it. The key is to
stay in the game.
That idea has kept some of the greatest artists and entrepreneurs alive and engaged with their work. As Woody Allen once told Marshall Brickman, “Eighty percent of success is showing up.” Simply being there is often the difference between unstoppable confidence and abject fear.
So how do you make it difficult to quit, when quitting seems like the only attractive option?
One solution is to use a simple accountability system that discourages you from dropping out. As Greek poet and soldier Archilochus
once wrote, “We don’t rise to the level of our expectations, we fall to
the level of our training.” Making commitments to partners (on
deadlines, deliverables or achievements) can create the accountability
we need to stick with our projects.
Another accountability technique is to add stakes, like financial punishment, to your goals (by using services like Stickk.com).
On the positive side, you can have friends keep you accountable, so
that anytime you quit your social network will know. You’ll be surprised
how far you’ll go to avoid social embarrassment or to honor a
commitment to a friend. Many find the combination of negative and
positive reinforcement insurmountable. They don’t quit because they
can’t — which makes them realize that they ultimately don’t want to.
Which isn’t to say that quitting is always bad, or that shifts in
strategy aren’t sometimes necessary. In fact, it takes intelligence and
honesty to know when to move on from a project or change your goals. But
it’s often our level of confidence that tells us when to quit and when
to stick around. And making it difficult to drop out can create the
conditions to remain connected to our confidence, even when it seems
like we’re failing.
Build Momentum with Small Wins
Most of us think of confidence as an all-or-nothing proposition. We even talk about it that way: We say that someone has confidence or lost confidence. We rarely say that someone is nurturing or piecing together confidence.
Even the phrase “building confidence” seems to suggest that there’s a
lack of it to begin with. Like attractiveness, health and success, we
tend to believe that people either have confidence or they don’t, which
is an unfortunate myth.
The truth is that confidence is less like a switch you turn on and
off, and more like something you build one brick at a time. As author
and journalist Charles DuHigg quotes in his book, The Power of Habit:
“Small wins are a steady application of a small
advantage,” one Cornell professor wrote in 1984. “Once a small win has
been accomplished, forces are set in motion that favor another small
win.” Small wins fuel transformative changes by leveraging tiny
advantages into patterns that convince people that bigger achievements
are within reach.
My first year in college was also the first year I’d lived away from
home. My self control deteriorated quickly as I settled into my newfound
freedom. I was having a great time, except for one thing: I had barely
scraped by my midterms. At this rate I was going to flunk out of my
program and return home devastated. I was screwed. My confidence was
shot. If I couldn’t even meet my program’s scores, how was I supposed to
land my dream job?
Things only got worse as final exams loomed. My procrastination was
increasing, since I saw no point in studying. I could barely get up in
time to go to class. Realizing I needed help, my parents drove up to
school and helped me created a schedule to guide my studying. It wasn’t
rigorous — just six hours of studying at the library every day in two
three-hour sessions. I remember being skeptical. If it was that simple,
I’d have done it already. But I agreed to give it a try.
After the first day, an inkling of hope. By the end of the second
day, a breakthrough: I had gotten more studying done than I had the
entire previous week. Even better, I actually remembered course
material, which had been eluding me. After one week, I felt powerful,
like I had regained control of my marks and my sense of self. It was a
pebble of a foundation I could slowly build on. I was rediscovering my
confidence using the power of small wins.
Those small wins are available in every situation. If you’ve just
gotten fired, start your intimidating job hunt by sending out five
resumes. If you’re bouncing back from an old relationship, try talking
to three new people. If you’ve just stumbled on a creative project, pick
a section you can focus on over a weekend, and temporarily put the
bigger picture aside.
Every failure can be broken down into components. Those components
are the seeds of small wins. And small wins are the stuff of confidence.
If you work just an extra bit harder and smarter every day, your minor improvements will accumulate. Life really is a game of inches.
And a dynamic process of strengthening confidence by enhancing our attitude, knowledge and experience, one piece at a time.
December 25, 2015
Things Some Guys Do, Mistakenly Thinking They���re Cool
Let���s have some fun today.Recently I got into a discussion with a few friends���some female, no less���on the subject of what guys who decidedly don���t ���get it��� are like.
Essentially, it quickly became a referendum on coolness, particularly in the eyes of women.
As you might imagine it turned out to be a truly fascinating conversation. As such, I felt compelled to share the finer points of it with you.
Recalling what was said, I���ve made a list of a dozen major missteps guys make in the name of being cool which typically result in women thinking the exact OPPOSITE about them.
But before I get on a roll ranting about them all, there are at least three points that deserve to be made.
First off, in an effort not to overtly slam any guy who happens to be reading this and ends up relating to like three quarters of the items on the list, I���ve intentionally refrained from extensive use of the word ���douche��� in this post.
Never mind that it probably really should have been titled, ���12 Things Douchey Guys Do���. After all, the very definition of ���D-Bag��� is ���he who thinks he���s a lot cooler than he really is.���
Second, please don���t think even for a second that I���m talking down to anyone. That���s because: A) That would be douchey of me (ironically enough), and B) if I���m honest with you, I���m actually one of those guys who can possibly relate to three-quarters of this list. That���s especially true if I look back on my younger days.
Third, note that I���m NOT going to bore you by covering the obvious infractions as follows:
��� Drinking too much
��� ���Hey y���all, watch this��� moments a la Jeff Foxworthy
��� Using women sexually without regard for STDs or birth control (having told them anything necessarily beforehand and dumping them afterwards)
��� Doing drugs (let alone dealing them)
��� Breaking stuff on purpose
��� Bullying
��� Pimping out prostitutes
��� Anything else that���s a felony
Actually, some of the ones that made it to my list are in fact pretty obvious, or at least they should be. But as you���ll soon see, they���re way too much fun to talk about to get left out.
Wait���maybe there���s a fourth caveat I should clear off the table beforehand as well.
If as you tear into this list you find yourself getting all offended (or whatever), bear in mind that I want the best for you. That���s why I���m telling you the stuff that your friends won���t ever tell you (possibly because they actually think what���s on this list is cool as well).
So here we go���
Here���s just about everything my friends and I could think of that certain dudes do thinking they���re ���alpha��� in a way that attracts women, when in reality they���re just making them roll their eyes.
1) Calling people ���chief���
If you find yourself unnerved by guys who say ���bro��� all the time, wait until you meet one who addresses other guys as ���chief���.
Suffice it to say that NOBODY in the history of the world has been made to feel better about himself when called ���chief��� rather than his first name.
It���s not like whoever is addressing someone as such honestly believes him to be in a leadership position over them.
Where did this all start, anyway? I���m wracking my brain, and all I can come up with is Jack Nicholson in One Flew Over The Cuckoo���s Nest.
And that���s definitely not the guy we want to emulate.
Not since Hollywood producer types started calling all of their casual acquaintances ���babe��� has there been a more irritating way to address fellow dudes.
2) Using emoticons in text messages
I���ve cited this one before and every time I do I get taken to task on it.
Clearly, there is a multitude of particularly young guys who will argue to the bitter end that it really IS cool to use smiley/winky emoticons in text messages.
But it���s just not.
If you���re 19 years old���maybe. And even then, I honestly believe women would appreciate your messages more if you STOPPED it.
And if you���re over 35 and using emoticons, I���m hereby imploring you to trust me on this: It���s KILLING you out there in the dating world.
You see, I think there���s a VERY real negative correlation between the number of needy-ass winky/smileys being sent to women by guys and the number of women who are intrigued and attracted enough to actually ANSWER their messages.
In other words, show me a guy who texts emoticons to women and I���ll show you a guy who complains that his messages are apparently being sent into a black hole.
What���s the emoticon for ���facepalm��� look like?
If you feel like you���ve just GOT to use an emoticon to make sure your intentions get across, here are two decidedly cooler ways to go about things: 1) State yourself more clearly to begin with,or better yet 2) Pick up the blasted phone and call her so she KNOWS when you���re being playful or ironic.
3) ���Messing with��� people
We all know how this works.
Some dude and perhaps a friend or two conspire to trick some other unsuspecting person (male or female) into believing something that isn���t true.
They keep a straight face and swear up and down that they���re not kidding around.
Then, as soon as the unsuspecting ���victim��� falls for it, they all collectively laugh themselves silly and call him or her ���gullible���.
I���ve seen this prank taken to extremes where guys either held on too long vis-��-vis the other person not falling for it, or that the premise being floated was so breathtakingly out-of-bounds so as to come off as nothing short of evil.
Rest assured that it���s NOT cool to keep trying to get someone to believe your B.S. for five full minutes.
It���s even less cool to try to get them to believe their best friend just got killed in a car accident.
If you want to be a charismatic man who wins friends and influences people, the very first step might be to BE REAL with them. What I���m talking about here would be the opposite.
4) Touching other dudes��� faces or heads
In case it hasn���t occurred to you yet in this life, grabbing another guy���s face or putting your hand on his head in any way, shape or form is nothing short of an aggressive act.
If you���re doing it specifically to show dominance over someone, you���re being uncool.
Everyone else who watches it knows what the score is, and it���s not in your favor. Women in particular aren���t impressed.
5) Carrying guns and making sure everyone knows about it
When it comes to firearms, let���s just say that there���s a good, solid reason why most states only issue CONCEALED carry licenses, without any legal provision for ���open carry���.
Simply stated, that���s because anyone who is actually mature and responsible enough to carry a gun as a civil right also realizes that he���s far better off if NOBODY ELSE KNOWS about it when it���s going on.
Now, whatever your opinion on guns is in general, don���t miss my point here.
Whenever a guy is carrying a guy mostly because he wants to prove to everyone else how cool he is, that pretty much means he���s not yet cool enough (let alone mature and responsible enough) to do so.
That���s as straightforward as it gets. Take it from the guy who used to work with gang kids.
6) Cursing in public (especially around children)
If you want to drop ���f-bombs��� and talk graphically about anal sex, go for it.
But realize that unless you���re among like-minded friends NOBODY ELSE really wants to listen to your mouth.
It���s not that people get ���offended���, really. We���ve all heard it before. It���s just that it���s flat-out awkward to listen to people who are that selfish and inconsiderate.
All of this goes DOUBLE if you���re around little kids. In fact, guys who say inappropriate stuff around young���uns can pretty much expect to have an extra-awkward talk with the kid���s dad in the very near future.
And face it, the guy with the mouth is not going to beat dad up or even give him the finger. He���s probably going to be embarrassed and apologize humbly���all because he suddenly realized he wasn���t being cool.
Or at least that���s the best we all can hope for.
I still clearly remember a guy walking down the jetway having arrived in New York on a flight from Boston loudly proclaiming over and over that we���d just endured ���The worst [effing] flight in the world���.
That was probably ten years ago, and he still goes down as one of the most clueless d-bags of all time in my book.
For what it���s worth, someone finally started getting a headache and told him to shut up.
7) Owning a pit bull
Apparently, there���s exactly ONE woman in the world who thinks pit bulls are cooler than the guy in her life does. That would be stand-up comedian Bill Burr���s girlfriend:
But seriously, having a pit bull really isn���t going to help you get women. At best it���ll scare them away. At worst you���ll come off as scarier to them than the dog is.
Take my word for it and go with a Dalmatian or a chocolate lab instead.
8) Buying anything from Pep Boys��� ���accessory��� aisle and putting it on your car
Okay, let���s start with the premise that women really, truly aren���t all that impressed by cars than we habitually give them credit for.
THEN, let���s add to that the premise that the more custom accessories you slap on to your ride in an effort to say, ���Look at me!��� the LESS everyone is impressed.
So FINALLY, imagine how much of a hit you���re going to take in the ���coolness��� department if you festoon your hoopdie in el-cheapo chrome pinstripes, fake air vents and trailer hitch nutsacks.
9) Burning rubber/weaving in and out of traffic
Okay, if the last point was about what we as guys tend to do TO our cars, this one���s more about what we do WITH them.
Remember always, women are all about safety and security. Suffice it to say, then, that the more aggressive and dangerous you seem to be when behind the wheel the less women are going to want to be in the passenger���s seat.
Interestingly enough, if you are a skilled, confidence-inspiring high-performance driver at an appropriate venue (e.g. track day or racing school) then women may literally line up to go fast with you.
But if it���s as if the entire world is potentially at risk whenever you leave your driveway, that���s another story altogether.
Overall, I remain convinced that the greatest indications that a woman���s impressed with your driving skill are 1) she doesn���t notice you���re driving a car with a manual transmission and/or 2) she falls asleep while you drive.
10) Chewing Copenhagen
The brand of ���smokeless tobacco��� doesn���t really matter, of course. It���s just that Copenhagen is a particularly gross one.
Hey, I���ll be the first to admit that my friends and I used to do this stuff back in high school thinking we were such badasses.
But I didn���t make the connection until years later that it was right after I stopped that I managed to get two particularly cute and sweet girlfriends in a row. Go figure.
The bottom line is that cups full of brown spit don���t attract women. Mouthfuls of brown flaky crap, even less so. She doesn���t want to look that that, let alone kiss it.
11) Random, meaningless tattoos
And dare I include misspelled ones as well (e.g. ���crape dime���)?
I���m not going to argue (although I could) that some women are going to find any tattoo on any man distasteful.
But geez���if you elect to ink yourself permanently, at least know what your tattoo MEANS. And be SOBER when you get it done.
Tribal tattoos and ancient symbols need to be researched, and if you���re going to write in Chinese on your left arm you���d better do more than simply trust some guy in a tattoo shop to get it right.
I���m reminded of the incident where a tattoo artist got sued for writing ���I���m still an ugly boy��� on a customer, who took weeks to realize why waiters at Chinese restaurants were laughing at him.
12) Self-absorbed Facebook posts
You knew this list would be incomplete without some reference to social media.
To be completely honest, I���m becoming more convinced by the day that Facebook ITSELF can���t help but be douchey.
And the weird part is that practically EVERYONE I know agrees when talking about it offline, but yet NOBODY seems to acknowledge it on Facebook itself.
For starters, I can���t believe how brazen people have gotten these days with their political leanings. Sure, you can have your ideological beliefs, but people who don���t happen to believe like you do aren���t necessarily ignorant or ���bad��� people.
That holds true if what���s on their dinner plate doesn���t agree with you either.
Or if they don���t go to the exact same church you do.
And geez, do I really have to read one more play-by-play account of someone���s medical condition?
But it gets worse, of course.
In the ���real world��� I hope you���d never ask someone to come up with all the adjectives to describe you that start with the letter ���D���. After all, ���D��� stands for ���D-bag���.
And then there���s, ���If you���re REALLY my true friend, you���ll read this entire dissertation on my deepest feelings about life.���
Personally, I STILL can���t figure out all of these open-ended posts to the effect of, ���Okay���only three more days to go, but it���s almost happening. I���ll keep everyone posted and hopefully have more later.��� Was I really supposed to be following along? Is anyone else? Who on Earth is arrogant enough to believe that people are hanging on his every move like that?
Hey man���if you want to make true friends, try the real world. But if it���s going to be on Facebook, at least make people laugh and feel good about themselves.
Give to others rather than assuming it���s got to be all about yourself, that���s all.
Wow, it felt almost too good to get all of that off my chest���even if it means I���ve just painted myself into a corner.
So be it���maybe I could use to be held to a higher level of accountability from now on, right?
In any case, remember that this post is all in fun. I���m sure there could have been at least a 100 more bullet items on the list.
What are the biggees that you think I left out? Let me hear them, and go ahead and make me laugh in the process.
As for the items I included, do you have any stories of your own about any of them? I���d love to hear those too.
And finally, do you think I���m off base here? Feel free to let me have it if so. I���ve got my fire suit on.
Things Some Guys Do, Mistakenly Thinking They’re Cool
Let’s have some fun today.
Recently I got into a discussion with a few friends—some female, no
less—on the subject of what guys who decidedly don’t “get it” are like.
Essentially, it quickly became a referendum on coolness, particularly in the eyes of women.
As you might imagine it turned out to be a truly fascinating
conversation. As such, I felt compelled to share the finer points of it
with you.
Recalling what was said, I’ve made a list of a dozen major missteps
guys make in the name of being cool which typically result in women
thinking the exact OPPOSITE about them.
But before I get on a roll ranting about them all, there are at least three points that deserve to be made.
First off, in an effort not to overtly slam any guy who happens to be
reading this and ends up relating to like three quarters of the items
on the list, I’ve intentionally refrained from extensive use of the word
“douche” in this post.
Never mind that it probably really should have been titled, “12
Things Douchey Guys Do”. After all, the very definition of “D-Bag” is
“he who thinks he’s a lot cooler than he really is.”
Second, please don’t think even for a second that I’m talking down to
anyone. That’s because: A) That would be douchey of me (ironically
enough), and B) if I’m honest with you, I’m actually one of those guys
who can possibly relate to three-quarters of this list. That’s
especially true if I look back on my younger days.
Third, note that I’m NOT going to bore you by covering the obvious infractions as follows:
• Drinking too much
• “Hey y’all, watch this” moments a la Jeff Foxworthy
• Using women sexually without regard for STDs or birth control
(having told them anything necessarily beforehand and dumping them
afterwards)
• Doing drugs (let alone dealing them)
• Breaking stuff on purpose
• Bullying
• Pimping out prostitutes
• Anything else that’s a felony
Actually, some of the ones that made it to my list are in fact pretty
obvious, or at least they should be. But as you’ll soon see, they’re
way too much fun to talk about to get left out.
Wait…maybe there’s a fourth caveat I should clear off the table beforehand as well.
If as you tear into this list you find yourself getting all offended
(or whatever), bear in mind that I want the best for you. That’s why
I’m telling you the stuff that your friends won’t ever tell you
(possibly because they actually think what’s on this list is cool as
well).
So here we go…
Here’s just about everything my friends and I could think of that
certain dudes do thinking they’re “alpha” in a way that attracts women,
when in reality they’re just making them roll their eyes.
1) Calling people “chief”
If you find yourself unnerved by guys who say “bro” all the time, wait until you meet one who addresses other guys as “chief”.
Suffice it to say that NOBODY in the history of the world has been
made to feel better about himself when called “chief” rather than his
first name.
It’s not like whoever is addressing someone as such honestly believes him to be in a leadership position over them.
Where did this all start, anyway? I’m wracking my brain, and all I
can come up with is Jack Nicholson in One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest.
And that’s definitely not the guy we want to emulate.
Not since Hollywood producer types started calling all of their
casual acquaintances “babe” has there been a more irritating way to
address fellow dudes.
2) Using emoticons in text messages
I’ve cited this one before and every time I do I get taken to task on it.
Clearly, there is a multitude of particularly young guys who will
argue to the bitter end that it really IS cool to use smiley/winky
emoticons in text messages.
But it’s just not.
If you’re 19 years old…maybe. And even then, I honestly believe women would appreciate your messages more if you STOPPED it.
And if you’re over 35 and using emoticons, I’m hereby imploring you
to trust me on this: It’s KILLING you out there in the dating world.
You see, I think there’s a VERY real negative correlation between the
number of needy-ass winky/smileys being sent to women by guys and the
number of women who are intrigued and attracted enough to actually
ANSWER their messages.
In other words, show me a guy who texts emoticons to women and I’ll
show you a guy who complains that his messages are apparently being sent
into a black hole.
What’s the emoticon for “facepalm” look like?
If you feel like you’ve just GOT to use an emoticon to make sure your
intentions get across, here are two decidedly cooler ways to go about
things: 1) State yourself more clearly to begin with,or better yet 2)
Pick up the blasted phone and call her so she KNOWS when you’re being
playful or ironic.
3) “Messing with” people
We all know how this works.
Some dude and perhaps a friend or two conspire to trick some other
unsuspecting person (male or female) into believing something that isn’t
true.
They keep a straight face and swear up and down that they’re not kidding around.
Then, as soon as the unsuspecting “victim” falls for it, they all
collectively laugh themselves silly and call him or her “gullible”.
I’ve seen this prank taken to extremes where guys either held on too
long vis-à-vis the other person not falling for it, or that the premise
being floated was so breathtakingly out-of-bounds so as to come off as
nothing short of evil.
Rest assured that it’s NOT cool to keep trying to get someone to believe your B.S. for five full minutes.
It’s even less cool to try to get them to believe their best friend just got killed in a car accident.
If you want to be a charismatic man who wins friends and influences
people, the very first step might be to BE REAL with them. What I’m
talking about here would be the opposite.
4) Touching other dudes’ faces or heads
In case it hasn’t occurred to you yet in this life, grabbing another
guy’s face or putting your hand on his head in any way, shape or form is
nothing short of an aggressive act.
If you’re doing it specifically to show dominance over someone, you’re being uncool.
Everyone else who watches it knows what the score is, and it’s not in your favor. Women in particular aren’t impressed.
5) Carrying guns and making sure everyone knows about it
When it comes to firearms, let’s just say that there’s a good, solid
reason why most states only issue CONCEALED carry licenses, without any
legal provision for “open carry”.
Simply stated, that’s because anyone who is actually mature and
responsible enough to carry a gun as a civil right also realizes that
he’s far better off if NOBODY ELSE KNOWS about it when it’s going on.
Now, whatever your opinion on guns is in general, don’t miss my point here.
Whenever a guy is carrying a guy mostly because he wants to prove to
everyone else how cool he is, that pretty much means he’s not yet cool
enough (let alone mature and responsible enough) to do so.
That’s as straightforward as it gets. Take it from the guy who used to work with gang kids.
6) Cursing in public (especially around children)
If you want to drop “f-bombs” and talk graphically about anal sex, go for it.
But realize that unless you’re among like-minded friends NOBODY ELSE really wants to listen to your mouth.
It’s not that people get “offended”, really. We’ve all heard it
before. It’s just that it’s flat-out awkward to listen to people who
are that selfish and inconsiderate.
All of this goes DOUBLE if you’re around little kids. In fact, guys
who say inappropriate stuff around young’uns can pretty much expect to
have an extra-awkward talk with the kid’s dad in the very near future.
And face it, the guy with the mouth is not going to beat dad up or
even give him the finger. He’s probably going to be embarrassed and
apologize humbly…all because he suddenly realized he wasn’t being cool.
Or at least that’s the best we all can hope for.
I still clearly remember a guy walking down the jetway having arrived
in New York on a flight from Boston loudly proclaiming over and over
that we’d just endured “The worst [effing] flight in the world”.
That was probably ten years ago, and he still goes down as one of the most clueless d-bags of all time in my book.
For what it’s worth, someone finally started getting a headache and told him to shut up.
7) Owning a pit bull
Apparently, there’s exactly ONE woman in the world who thinks pit
bulls are cooler than the guy in her life does. That would be stand-up
comedian Bill Burr’s girlfriend:
But seriously, having a pit bull really isn’t going to help you get
women. At best it’ll scare them away. At worst you’ll come off as
scarier to them than the dog is.
Take my word for it and go with a Dalmatian or a chocolate lab instead.
8) Buying anything from Pep Boys’ “accessory” aisle and putting it on your car
Okay, let’s start with the premise that women really, truly aren’t
all that impressed by cars than we habitually give them credit for.
THEN, let’s add to that the premise that the more custom accessories
you slap on to your ride in an effort to say, “Look at me!” the LESS
everyone is impressed.
So FINALLY, imagine how much of a hit you’re going to take in the
“coolness” department if you festoon your hoopdie in el-cheapo chrome
pinstripes, fake air vents and trailer hitch nutsacks.
9) Burning rubber/weaving in and out of traffic
Okay, if the last point was about what we as guys tend to do TO our cars, this one’s more about what we do WITH them.
Remember always, women are all about safety and security. Suffice it
to say, then, that the more aggressive and dangerous you seem to be
when behind the wheel the less women are going to want to be in the
passenger’s seat.
Interestingly enough, if you are a skilled, confidence-inspiring
high-performance driver at an appropriate venue (e.g. track day or
racing school) then women may literally line up to go fast with you.
But if it’s as if the entire world is potentially at risk whenever you leave your driveway, that’s another story altogether.
Overall, I remain convinced that the greatest indications that a
woman’s impressed with your driving skill are 1) she doesn’t notice
you’re driving a car with a manual transmission and/or 2) she falls
asleep while you drive.
10) Chewing Copenhagen
The brand of “smokeless tobacco” doesn’t really matter, of course. It’s just that Copenhagen is a particularly gross one.
Hey, I’ll be the first to admit that my friends and I used to do this stuff back in high school thinking we were such badasses.
But I didn’t make the connection until years later that it was right
after I stopped that I managed to get two particularly cute and sweet
girlfriends in a row. Go figure.
The bottom line is that cups full of brown spit don’t attract women.
Mouthfuls of brown flaky crap, even less so. She doesn’t want to look
that that, let alone kiss it.
11) Random, meaningless tattoos
And dare I include misspelled ones as well (e.g. “crape dime”)?
I’m not going to argue (although I could) that some women are going to find any tattoo on any man distasteful.
But geez…if you elect to ink yourself permanently, at least know what your tattoo MEANS. And be SOBER when you get it done.
Tribal tattoos and ancient symbols need to be researched, and if
you’re going to write in Chinese on your left arm you’d better do more
than simply trust some guy in a tattoo shop to get it right.
I’m reminded of the incident where a tattoo artist got sued for
writing “I’m still an ugly boy” on a customer, who took weeks to realize
why waiters at Chinese restaurants were laughing at him.
12) Self-absorbed Facebook posts
You knew this list would be incomplete without some reference to social media.
To be completely honest, I’m becoming more convinced by the day that Facebook ITSELF can’t help but be douchey.
And the weird part is that practically EVERYONE I know agrees when
talking about it offline, but yet NOBODY seems to acknowledge it on
Facebook itself.
For starters, I can’t believe how brazen people have gotten these
days with their political leanings. Sure, you can have your ideological
beliefs, but people who don’t happen to believe like you do aren’t
necessarily ignorant or “bad” people.
That holds true if what’s on their dinner plate doesn’t agree with you either.
Or if they don’t go to the exact same church you do.
And geez, do I really have to read one more play-by-play account of someone’s medical condition?
But it gets worse, of course.
In the “real world” I hope you’d never ask someone to come up with
all the adjectives to describe you that start with the letter “D”.
After all, “D” stands for “D-bag”.
And then there’s, “If you’re REALLY my true friend, you’ll read this entire dissertation on my deepest feelings about life.”
Personally, I STILL can’t figure out all of these open-ended posts to
the effect of, “Okay…only three more days to go, but it’s almost
happening. I’ll keep everyone posted and hopefully have more later.”
Was I really supposed to be following along? Is anyone else? Who on
Earth is arrogant enough to believe that people are hanging on his every
move like that?
Hey man…if you want to make true friends, try the real world. But if
it’s going to be on Facebook, at least make people laugh and feel good
about themselves.
Give to others rather than assuming it’s got to be all about yourself, that’s all.
Wow, it felt almost too good to get all of that off my chest—even if it means I’ve just painted myself into a corner.
So be it…maybe I could use to be held to a higher level of accountability from now on, right?
In any case, remember that this post is all in fun. I’m sure there
could have been at least a 100 more bullet items on the list.
What are the biggees that you think I left out? Let me hear them, and go ahead and make me laugh in the process.
As for the items I included, do you have any stories of your own about any of them? I’d love to hear those too.
And finally, do you think I’m off base here? Feel free to let me have it if so. I’ve got my fire suit on.
Subtle Signs That Someone Lacks Character
Anyone who is blatantly narcissistic or psychopathic, has a hair-trigger
temper, gets their jollies from swindling people, lies even when the
truth is easy and/or robs banks is obviously short on character.
And on the flip side, people who have a well thought out belief
system that’s the cornerstone of their lives, deliver on what they say
they’re going to do, do the right thing even when nobody else is
watching and generally believe in leaving the world a better place than
they found it are considered to have good, strong character.
All of the that isn’t generally up for debate.
But in the middle there is a massive gray expanse, isn’t there?
Nobody can be a paragon of perfection at all times, of course.
Nevertheless, here are ten indicators of character deficiency that tend
to fly under the radar.
1) Double-Talk Or Backbiting Before Your Very Eyes
Have you ever been in a conversation with someone who openly says
something different to you than what you just heard them say to someone
else?
Or have you ever watched someone be friendly and cordial to someone,
only to go on about how much they can’t stand the person after he or she
disappears?
If so, you probably wondered to yourself what the person you’re talking to really thinks of you, or how they really talk about you when you’re not around.
Your thoughts were perfectly natural and valid.
2) Attempts To Confide In You When Speaking Negatively About Someone
This is a bit of a twist on the first point above. But in this case,
the person will seek to differentiate you as a trusted confidant.
The desired effect is to have you believe that he or she treats YOU
with respect and integrity, even while disparaging the person he or she
is talking about.
You may at first feel special when this happens, but really it’s just
a ploy to gain your trust at the expense of others who aren’t there to
hear what’s going on.
So whenever someone says, “don’t tell so-and-so I told you this”,
feel free to assert the idea that if it’s not suitable for the main
subject of the conversation to hear, then it’s not suitable for you
either.
3) Writing Checks They Can’t (Or Won’t) Cash
Some people will pledge virtually anything to get what they need at
the moment, or claim they can do anything to get the approval they want.
They’ll have to pay the proverbial piper later, but for the time
being they enjoy a measure of temporary satisfaction. Or at the very
least, they avoid short-term drama at the extreme risk of greater pain
down the road.
Moreover, hedging the truth up front often leads to big-time pain later for everyone involved, and that’s not cool.
This may be controversial to some, but I believe that such
short-sighted desperation points to a lack of character. It’s a sign
that integrity is openly negotiable.
4) Overpromising, Under-Delivering
The subtle difference between this one and #3 is intent.
Whereas the person in #3 is talking as fast as he or she can out of desperation, the culprit in this case makes a big promise knowing it will never be fulfilled upon.
This is, of course, stereotypical of how unscrupulous salespeople do business.
What a rare and unexpected joy it is nowadays to do business with
someone who delivers more than he or she promised up front. Yet, it’s
the absolute best way to guarantee repeat customers.
5) Inability To Say “No”
This may be another controversial opinion, but I believe that being a
perpetual approval seeker is a sign of low character as well.
That’s because one can’t possibly be true to one’s own cornerstone
belief system while attempting to appease everyone else’s in the
process.
Not having the personal strength to set clear boundaries is a primo indicator of People Pleasing Syndrome.
None of us can possibly meet every demand from every person who would have us do something for them.
But in order to admit that, you have to say “no” to someone in order
to make good on the promises you’ve already prioritized. When you say
“no”, someone is going to be disappointed, and you therefore run the
risk of losing their approval.
So be it. You’re only human, and having priorities based on what’s truly important to you means setting boundaries.
6) The Cycle Of Lashing Out, Then Apologizing
This one wasn’t immediately obvious to me. It was only after
watching two clear examples happen in real time over the past couple of
weeks that I realized how closely aligned this phenomenon is with low
character.
Let’s say someone gets perturbed with you, and in their anger calls you names.
Then, a short while later he or she calms down, feels badly that they insulted you and asks for forgiveness.
Before long, however, you piss them off again somehow. The other
person then says, “You know what? I was right all along. You really
are a so-and-so!”
But soon thereafter comes another apology.
Lather, rinse, repeat…right? Who knows what this person really thinks when their blood pressure is stable?
Lies Hollywood Told You About Women
How many times has someone told you to “just be yourself” in order to attract women?
It sounds like “mom advice,” but this way of thinking is actually
reinforced year after year through movies, specifically romantic
comedies.
There’s a tiny problem with just “being yourself” and expecting women to fall in love with you or begging to have sex with you…
It’s a load of crap.
Yet that tired old line—and many like it—continue to trip up guys new
to the game. They expect women to behave like they do in the movies;
flawed but with a heart of gold, just waiting for the right guy to sweep
them off their feet.
Well I think it’s about time we did away with that toxic nonsense for
good. You and I are going to take a look at some of the most common
romantic comedy tropes. Then—one by one—I’m going to show you why they’re BS, and how they can negatively impact your sex life and relationships.
1. That girl you hooked up with in the club’s bathroom last night could be the love of your life.
Look, kudos to you for pulling off a one-night stand or setting up a
friends-with-benefits arrangement. If that’s what you want, then more
power to you.
But falling for a fling isn’t normal.
There’s nothing wrong with a one-night stand, but try explaining how you met to your parents.
“Oh, we bumped into each other in a bathroom at 3 am last month. I can’t remember which day it was, sorry.”
Hollywood teaches us to overlook glaring personality flaws and accept people no matter what—just look at Pretty Woman where prostitutes are just waiting for someone to make an honest woman out of them.
That line of thinking is naive and damaging because it teaches you to
ignore your instinct when it comes to choosing high-quality women.
Treat single-day lays like single-day lays, not the future mother of
your children.
2. You should find a woman who “challenges” you.
“Challenge,” as in a combative, domineering woman.
Hollywood seems obsessed with the idea that it’s up to a man to tame
this type of girl. This woman’s rallying cry is Marilyn Monroe’s
overused quip:
“If you can’t handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”
How profound, right?
Don’t be a martyr; let someone else deal with that headache. No
self-respecting man wants to be challenged by a woman, whether she’s a
friend, sex partner or wife.
The problem here is that when a girl challenges you, that usually
means she doesn’t have any respect for you whatsoever. Calling you out
in public, belittling you and making rude jokes at your expense are all
signs of disrespect, not quirky personality traits.
And once you’ve lost a girl’s respect, you can say “so long” to sex.
3. Your female friend will have an epiphany and suddenly realize she’s in love with you.
Starting in high school, most men learn early on to fear the dreaded
“friend zone.” The friend zone is very real, but Hollywood’s take on the
phenomenon is completely backwards and, frankly, dangerous to your
attempts to get laid.
You’ve seen the movie before. Tom has been best friends with Kate
since childhood. Kate goes through a bad breakup. Tom comforts Kate,
they kiss by accident, Tom and Kate fall in love and have passionate
(missionary) sex.
Excuse me, I just got a little sick.
Tom and Kate’s fantasy land doesn’t exist. If you’ve been hoping the
cute girl from accounting you’ve been meeting for brunch every Saturday
will slip you a handwritten love note this week, it’s time to wake up.
Hollywood loves the friend zone scenario because it plays to the
frustrations of many viewers. It’s a feel-good fantasy that’s meant to
fill you with hope, but it’s complete BS.
If you are in the friend zone, that’s because the girl you’re
lusting after already decided you aren’t sex or boyfriend material.
Don’t let yourself be an emotional sponge—move on to greener pastures
ASAP.
4. You should rely on fate to play matchmaker, or wait for a happy accident to find a woman.
How many movies have you seen where the guy and girl magically run into each other after an impossible series of events?
“Gee whiz, I never expected to run into ANOTHER
doctor/humanitarian/dog-lover/chef/sex fiend at this hour! Good thing
our poodles got their leashes tangled up so we could bump into each
other!”
We suspend our disbelief when we watch movies, but look at how ridiculous the situation would be in real life.
The same line of thinking can ruin your chances at getting laid, too.
Guys think they need to wait for the perfect moment to approach a girl;
maybe she looks like a bitch, or your head hurts, or she might have a
boyfriend.
I know I’ve made these excuses before, but that’s all they
are—excuses. You can believe in whatever you want, but don’t believe the
hype when it comes to fate and attracting women. You’re in control
here, nobody else. Either she’s into you or she isn’t. It’s that simple.
5. You and your girl will always have simultaneous orgasms every time you have sex.
More hilarious than dangerous, but still worth mentioning. Because
romantic comedies can’t be filmed like XXX-rated pornos, we can excuse
them for portraying sex in such a boring light.
But how many movies have you watched where the main love interests
cum at exactly the same time, collapsing with giggles into each others
arms?
Doesn’t happen. Your girl doesn’t EXPECT it to happen (and if she does, it’s time to cut her loose).
Is it possible? Of course. But it also takes the fun out of sex.
Instead of focusing on having fun, you’re calculating little equations
in your head, trying to find the optimal velocity and force to orgasm at
the same time as some girl you just met at a Starbucks.
Luckily, we live in the real world. Not The Notebook.
6. You should let women make the first move, and let them take charge in a relationship.
I don’t know how this myth got started or why it’s popular, but here we are.
The biggest offender in this category is “the broken man.” In these
movies, the guy has usually just broken up with his girlfriend (she was
usually caught cheating) and he’s on the mend. The guy meets a new girl
who finds his vulnerability endearing.
The new girl drags him out of his comfort zone, eventually building
him into a better man (and making his ex jealous in the process). If
you’ve seen Forgetting Sarah Marshall, you know exactly what I’m talking about.
Why is this a big fat lie?
For one, women aren’t attracted to whiney saps who aren’t over their
ex. Wearing your emotions on your sleeve is a surefire way to kill
attraction before you even have a chance.
The other reason this premise is a lie is because women don’t LIKE to
take the lead. Women feel much more comfortable letting you make the
plans. If you don’t believe me, try asking your next date this question:
“So, what do you feel like doing tonight?”
Or even better:
“What do you feel like eating for dinner?”
I can almost guarantee your answer will be along the lines of “Um, I’m not sure” or “I don’t care, you pick.”
So why does Hollywood think the average woman wants to take the lead in finding a man? We may never know.
7. If a girl rebuffs your advances, the best thing to do is try harder.
Couldn’t be further from the truth. Yet we see it time and time
again; if your girl breaks up with you, just stand under her window with
a boombox at midnight and she’ll take you back on the spot.
Ignoring the fact that endlessly asking the same girl out over and
over is annoying, let’s focus on this try-hard mentality and how it
affects YOU.
One of the most costly mistakes a budding Casanova can make is to get tunnel vision, meaning you’ve set your sights on that one perfect girl and you will stop at nothing to make her yours.
That’s putting all of your eggs in one basket to the extreme. Why? Well, here are the outcomes:
After months of pressure, the girl finally caves and agrees to a
pity date. She flakes on you twice, then finally meets you. She spends
the entire date texting a guy she’s actually attracted to. She
hesitantly gives you a hug at the end of the night and doesn’t return
your desperate texts.
She never agrees to go out with you. You’ve wasted untold hours on a
single lead that was never going to bear fruit. You feel defeated and
are hesitant about pursuing other women in the future.
Notice how there’s no happy ending?
Ah, but there is. The third alternative:
You divide your efforts by flirting with three different girls this
week—a smokin’ hot personal trainer at your local gym, the cute
bartender who lives across the street, and the quiet culinary student
your friend introduced you to.
The student stops returning your texts after a couple days. You’re bummed out at first, but with solid text game the other two girls are really digging you.
You set up two dates for Friday night, expecting at least one of them
to flake. Surprise, Ms. Crossfit is “sick” and she can’t make it. No
big deal. You have an awesome time with your new favorite bartender and
make it back home for some extracurriculars.
You check your phone the next morning. Turns out you might have a new
yoga instructor—the trainer was actually sick last night. She just
texted you and wants to meet for drinks tonight.
Maybe that’s fiction, but isn’t it a hell of a lot more realistic
than Hollywood’s version? AKA stand outside in the pouring rain playing
some cheesy mixtape?
See Through the BS
The problem with movies is that once you’ve seen enough of them, fiction becomes difficult to separate from the real world.
Well, it’s time to ignore the tired old narrative every summer about a
nice, dorky guy who wins over a Colombian supermodel with his
accounting skills.
If you’re new to approaching women, I guarantee your judgment is
clouded by at least one of these myths. And trust me, meeting women is a
hell of a lot harder when your head is full of terrible advice.
If you’ve had a string of bad approaches or feel like your game is
off, take a bit to reflect. See if any of these myths have gotten in the
way of you meeting women. If so, promise that you’ll stay away from the
cheesy rom-coms until you get back on track
Day Game vs Night Game
Day game vs night game. The age-old debate.When approaching girls, do you use the same techniques at the club
after midnight that you do around noon at Starbucks? Or are t
hose two
approaches literally like night and day?
And perhaps most importantly, which way is best?
Truthfully, it’s more about preference than being “right or wrong.”
Still, you should approach each situation in a different way—clubs and cafes are separate environments with different dynamics.
By the end of this article you’ll understand how to get dates and
pulls from bars and clubs (“night game”), and by talking to women
throughout your daily life (“day game”).
We’ll start by showing you an example of a great day game interaction
and a great night game interaction, and then we’ll break down each one
and how they differ.
And, we’ll tell you how you can get the same awesome results.
Ready to get started?Day Game Example
Guy: *Sees attractive girl walking by, puts his hand out and says “Excuse me” to get girl’s attention*
“Hey, do you know where the nearest Jamba Juice is?”
Girl: “Umm I think it’s over there by the—”
Guy: *Interrupts her and smiles*
“I’ll be honest – I just asked you because I thought you were cute and I had to say hi. I’m Tripp.”
Girl: “Oh wow, thank you. I’m Ana!”
Guy: “Great – you’re not from (current town) though, are you?”
Girl: “No, I’m from California, how’d you know?!”
Guy: *Laughing*
“You totally have that Valley Girl vibe about you.”
*Minute or two more of banter*
Guy: “Listen, I gotta run to meet up with some friends. Like I
said, you’re really cute and you seem cool. Do you want to hang out
sometime?”
Girl: “Yeah that’d be fun.”
Guy: “Okay awesome. Put your number in my phone and I’ll send you a text.”
Notice the simplicity here; he quickly goes for the close and gets her number without asking a thousand questions.
The guy goes indirect at first, so he doesn’t “scare the cat” so to
speak. Then, once the conversation starts, he switches things up and
goes more direct to show his intent.
Why does he cut her off while she’s giving him directions?
Think about it: If he doesn’t cut her off, she’ll give him a quick answer and keep walking without hesitation.
(You probably do the same thing when somebody asks you for directions on the street.)
But when he cuts her off and goes direct, she’s more inclined to stick around for the conversation.
After he introduces himself, he quickly moves the conversation
forward by making an assumption about her (i.e. “You’re not from around
here, are you?”).
This is way better than asking the typical “Where are you from?”
question that she gets over and over again from guys, mainly because
it’s intriguing rather than transparent.
Finally, after some banter, he waits for the conversation to hit a
high point, and then makes his move by asking if she’d like to hang out
sometime. Asking is key, because it sets the stage for the Commitment and Consistency Principle.
This principle, coined by Dr. Robert Cialdini in Influence,
says that we have a deep desire to be consistent. That’s why once we’ve
committed to something, we’re more inclined to go through with it.
So when she says “Yes” to hang out, she’s a lot more likely to:
Actually give you her number;
And, actually respond when you hit her up later.
Lots of girls will give you their number when prompted, but without
that initial “Yes” you’re likely to get radio silence when you decide to
text her.
Night Game Example
(These interactions are usually a lot longer, so we’ll just show you the beginning)
Guy: “This is my favorite song!”
*Raises his glass*
Girl: “Haha, Backstreet Boys? Really?”
Guy: “Yeah I f**king love 90’s night.” *
Smiles, grabs her hand, and spins her towards him*
“Who are you?”
Girl: *Smiles*
“I’m Holly.”
Guy: “Cool, I’m Tripp. You look like a California girl.”
Girl: “What? No! I’m from Jersey!”
Guy: “Haha with that attitude I should have known”
*Smiles*
“Let’s go over to the bar.”
Girl: “Okay!”
Right from the start, you can tell that the guy is coming with some pretty high energy.
And rightfully so—the nightlife scene, whether a bar or a club, is a
very stimulating environment. With so many things happening, it’s hard
to focus your attention on just one.
Women easily get distracted. That’s why high energy is better for
these types of environments—you’re competing with her friends, the
music, her phone, and any other guys on her radar.
He also immediately adds value by introducing fun to her
night. Women go out to have fun—not to have the same boring,
interview-mode conversations that so many guys try to trap them in. The
“What do you do for a living?” and “How long have you been a fan of X?”
gets old, quick.
Like in the day game example, he makes an assumption about where she’s from, and uses it to playfully tease her.
After some quick banter, he leads her over to the bar. Physically
leading is a crucial part of night game—it establishes you up as the
leader, keeps the interaction fresh and fun, and makes the girl more
comfortable with you.
Notice how he doesn’t go for the number like in the first example. That’s because the goal here is different from day game.
With day game, the girl usually has somewhere to go, so you need to
get her number and arrange for a future meet-up without wasting her
time. But if you manage your logistics well, night game offers the
possibility of bringing her home with you on the same night.
Now that we’ve covered a successful day game and night game
interaction, you probably have an idea of some of the differences, as
well as what works and what doesn’t.
Now let’s break them down by some different principles of game:
Mindset
A lot of guys tend to think you should have a different mindset for picking up women during the day or at night.
“You should hunt for girls at night. During the day, you should just go about your life as usual and let girls come to you.”
But contrary to popular belief, your mindset should actually be the same no matter where the sun is in the sky.
When you’re out at night, you shouldn’t feel like you’re “on the hunt” for women.
Likewise, you shouldn’t feel like there’s a special “day mode” you need to turn on in the morning.
Instead, your mindset should always be:
Women are part of my journey, not my destination.
When you’re going about your day and you see an attractive girl walk
by, this mindset is easy to grasp because women are literally part of
your journey (to work, school, the gym, etc).
But at night the same way of thinking can be a bit tougher.
At the bar or the club, you can think of it like this:
The fun comes first, and the girls come second.
Focus on having an awesome time. Dance it up, have a couple drinks if
you feel like it and be social. When you’re focused on having fun, your
mood will become contagious and women are attracted to that.
Compare this to the guys who are “on the hunt.” They start rapid-fire
approaching girls like machines. They’re not even interested in the
girl, they just want to get the next “approach” in.
You’re depending on their validation. This kind of behavior comes off as needy and women will pick up on it right away.
Don’t be one of those guys.
Approach
While your mindset shouldn’t change, the actual approach in day game
and night game is A LOT different. That’s out of necessity—if you
approach women during the day the same way you do at night, you’ll look a
little crazy.
Let’s take a closer look at the differences.
Day Game Approach:
Go verbally direct early in the conversation;
Groups are often more difficult to approach than single girls;
Basic is best (i.e. ask for directions, then cut her off and go direct);
Lower energy than at night, but not boring;
Less physically direct (physical escalation is much more subtle and limited);
End goal: Go for her number to set up a future meet-up.
Night Game Approach
Go direct, but non-verbally;
Girls will mostly be in groups;
Use a situational or physical opener;
Higher energy than day game;
Lead more;
Be more physical;
Be highly aware of logistics;
End goal: Pull the girl home for a one-night stand, or grab
her number if logistics absolutely don’t work. Don’t approach with the
mindset of just “settling” for a number, as these leads are far colder
than daytime numbers.
Verbal vs Non-Verbal Directness
During the day you need to go verbally direct more quickly.
Otherwise, women will start asking themselves why you’re really talking
to them in the first place.
But at night you’re at in social venue. Conversations are a normal
part of the evening. It doesn’t do much good to say, “By the way, I
think you’re really sexy!”
That’s what pretty much every other guy is telling her EVERY time she goes out.
It’s a lot more powerful to go direct in other ways—like with your body language, physicality and eye contact.
But how do you do that?
Make physical contact with her ASAP. Hug her, hold her hand, spin her around or dance with her.
One of our favorites here is the “dance floor hip-bump.”
When you’re on the dance floor and you see an attractive girl, the
music is blasting. She can’t really hear you, so your witty openers will
fall on deaf ears. Keep talking to a minimum; instead, bust a playful
dance move.
A simple hip shake with a snap of the fingers will do just fine
without making an absolute fool of yourself. When you execute the shake,
lightly bump her with your hip.
After she turns to you, make eye contact. Smile. Step back a few feet
and start dancing on your own, almost like you’re challenging her to a
dance-off.
(Self-amusement is KEY here. This is all in good fun.)
Then, gently grab her hand, spin her around and start dancing with her.
The dance floor hip bump works like magic because it’s playful,
non-aggressive and way less boring than 99% of all the other guys’
openers she’s seen a million times. If she’s not receptive, you can just
shrug it off. No big deal, no rejection. The night is about you,
remember?
The Group Dynamic
Very few attractive women hang out in bars and clubs alone. So if
you’re out at night, odds are you’ll have to approach groups of women.
But that’s not a bad thing—these groups are usually social and fairly easy to open up if you have a fun vibe.
When you first open a group, be sure to engage everyone for a minute
or two before you focus in on the one girl you’re interested in (this is
where a good wingman can prove invaluable).
Now, with day game you’ll probably see a lot of attractive girls
walking in groups. But you’ll also see a lot of pretty girls walking
alone. While you definitely can approach groups during the day, you’ll
have a much easier time talking to individual girls one-on-one.
This is for the simple reason that there is MUCH less stimulation
during the daytime. There’s no music blasting, no people dancing and no
drinks to be had (usually). When you approach a girl in a group, the
rest of her friends just kind of stand there…which creates a lot of
social pressure for you and the girl.
Takeaway: Approaching women in groups using night game is
expected (and normal). But with day game, it’s easier to approach women
who are by themselves.
Leading
With day game, you’ll lead verbally by simply taking control
and directing the conversation. You keep it short and lead her into
giving you her number before you leave.
Since you’re both going about your day, you probably have places to
be—so it’s usually not convenient to lead her to a new destination.
But with night game, you need to lead more on a physical level.
As a general rule, don’t keep doing the same thing with any girl for a long period of time.
For example, don’t stand with her in the same place for three hours or dance away the entire night.
If you don’t mix up your routine a bit, the interaction gets stale and the connection fades.
You need to move things forward before you start to maintain your
frame as a confident leader. If you’ve been dancing with a girl for half
an hour, take her hand and say, “let’s go get a drink,” or simply,
“let’s go over there.” Move her to the bar or a different spot within
the bar. Continue to move her around throughout the night to keep your
connection alive.
If you’re already at the bar, grab her hand and bring her to the
dance floor…and then back to the bar for a drink…and then back to the
dance floor…and then…back to your place. Or hers.
When you keep her guessing, you’ll be the exciting guy she wants to
be around—and a nice change of pace from the boring dudes who constantly
play 21 Questions and hope for something magical to happen.
Physical Escalation
In a nightclub environment, you’ll want to physically escalate
quickly. However, during the daytime or a more casual meetup, take it
slow unless the connection is really strong.
During the day you don’t need much physical escalation. Maybe a few
touches on her elbow or even a hug after you get her number—that’s
usually enough.
That’s because the end goal is simply to get a hot lead and plan a future date.
But night game is all about physical escalation. Since your end goal
is to pull her home, she needs to be comfortable with your touch from
the get-go.
Make physical contact with her as soon as possible. The quicker you
touch her, the quicker you establish that vital sexual spark. A simple
way you can do this is to lightly tap her arm with the back of your
hand. As the conversation flows, you can escalate further—grab her hand,
put your hand on her hips, pick her up, hug her, etc.
If she’s receptive to these types of contact then you can ramp it up and go for the kiss.
But as you can see in the graph above, you don’t want to constantly
escalate. It’s important to step back periodically. Give her some
breathing room, and then ramp it up again. This is also known as push-pull.
Push-pull is like building a fire. While it’s possible to smother a
fire if you toss too many logs into it at once, a fire must also be
tended carefully to keep the flames alive. Knowing when to add fuel and
when to back off is key to managing a girl throughout the night.
And with day game, the main escalation is a handshake at the
beginning, and then possibly a hug at the end. The entire interaction
won’t last much longer than ten minutes, so going for a kiss here is
almost always out of the question.
End Goal
As we’ve mentioned before, the end goals for day game and night game are much different.
Think of day game as searching for a lead. With that lead you’re
going to need a date or two to warm up your prospect and close the deal,
while with night game you’re looking for a direct sale.
It’s rare that you’ll bring a girl home who you just met on the
sidewalk at 2 pm. That’s why the end goal is to get her number, plan a
date and go from there.
But it’s a lot more likely you’ll bring a girl home who you’ve been dancing with and leading around the nightclub.
Therefore it’s a lot more important to manage your logistics at night.
Logistics are everything. If she lives 40 minutes away, has
work the next morning and is driving back with her friend who wants to
get home and microwave her leftover fried chicken, then you’re SOL.
So, how do you manage logistics?
Well, a one-night stand is your goal, right? Then early in the night
you figure out what she’s doing after the bar or club closes. Meet her
friends, find out where she’s staying, how she got there, etc.
This is a very casual and normal thing. You can simply say, “What are
you up to after this?” If the logistics aren’t right, the one-night
stand probably won’t happen.
If that’s all you want that particular night, then you should
probably move on. Or you can try to have sex with her in the bathroom or
somewhere in the surrounding area (like the beach).
If the logistics ARE in your favor, you still need her to agree to
leave with you. If the bar is closing, the first thing you need to do is
MAKE SURE you walk out of the bar with her.
Even if it seems like there’s no way she’ll go home with you, just walk out with her anyway.
If it’s earlier in the night, then suggest something like “Let’s get
out of here and go on an adventure.” If you say that confidently and own it, she’ll usually oblige.
Then, give her a reason to go back to your place, like “Let’s go have
a beer on my rooftop.” This reason or “excuse” is important. It allows
her to justify to herself that “nothing will happen” if she goes home
with you—this prevents her from feeling like a slut.
Always lead and be confident with your words. More often than not the
girl will follow. When she’s back at your place, show her the video you
talked about, or have that beer on the rooftop. And don’t forget to
make a move.
Day Game vs. Night Game
Day game and night game are both great ways to meet women. While you
should take a different approach for each, your mindset should be the
same…
Women are part of your journey, not your destination.
3 Brutally Honest Online Dating Profile Critiques
Looking for marriage material? What about a stream of dates
leading to a week of nonstop bedroom gymnastics? Either way, you have
to maximize your opportunities, and online dating is a great way to do
just that.
Here’s the thing.
Chances are you’ve gone online, created an account at one of many
dating sites, slapped together a few lines and a quick profile pic,
crossed your fingers and hoped for the best.
If that’s what you’ve done, you’re not alone. The sad truth is you’re
probably hearing crickets. No clicks, no interest—and most importantly,
no dates.
On the flipside, so many people are getting it wrong that you’d be at a tremendous advantage if you made some improvements.
The great news is that those improvements aren’t even that hard.
In this post, I’ll be taking a look at a couple of real online dating
profiles and critiquing them step by step. We’re going to find out what
not to do, and what to keep doing to get better results in the online
dating arena.
Case #1
The photo here isn’t bad, but it’s not great either. Here’s what I think…
The guy has a nice, genuine smile. However, a good smile really comes
from the eyes, not your mouth. If you’ve got glasses, take them off for
the photo and wear contacts. It will make you look more sincere and
more likeable.
You might think, “But I wear glasses everyday! Wouldn’t that be cheating?”
No.
Glasses aren’t a deal breaker. If you wow her with your charms, and then she finds out you wear glasses, she won’t mind.
Really.
But to get your foot in the door you need your smile to shine. Get rid of those glasses for your profile pic.
Also, try to take the photo outdoors. The light is generally better
and you can get a good shot with even a crappy camera. You’ll notice how
dull the picture is here, and that’s mainly because of the background,
not the subject.
As human beings, we subconsciously tend to associate people with
their environment. A picture in a dull environment will give the feeling
that you are a dull person. A photo in bright, sunny surroundings, will
make you look equally energetic.
If you absolutely have to take a photo inside for whatever reason,
stay away from the walls and pay close attention to shadows. Notice how
this guy’s head is casting a shadow on the wall right behind him, making
his head look huge. Not sexy.
Now let’s take a look at his description.
The mini-description on your profile card is like the headline on a
newspaper article. If a headline is boring and doesn’t captivate you,
there’s no way you’re reading the article—no matter how compelling the
content is.
You need to squeeze your very best, most attractive qualities into
that mini-description, all while making it engaging and exciting.
Here’s what this guy’s profile card description says:
“Hello i am [name] and looking for my miss perfect but
i dont want to rush in to any thing. I would say i am honest,
hardworking, caring and polite. Been a cabinet maker for over four years
now and i…”
Right off the bat, the sloppy writing, grammar and spelling are an instant turn-off.
You need to understand that high quality women invest a lot of time
and energy into becoming who they are. As a result, they hate sloppy.
Sloppy means lazy, and nobody (especially women) likes lazy people.
Is this guy actually lazy in real life? Maybe not, but there’s no way for potential dates to see that from the get-go.
Think of it this way. If you’re in a Ferrari dealership, and you’re
wearing stained jeans and a torn shirt, there’s no way the sales rep is
going to let you step into one of those machines.
So, when it comes to your dating profile, your spelling and grammar
need to be impeccable. Make an effort to write properly. There’s NO
excuse. There are enough spell checkers around to make spelling mistakes
punishable by death.
You also need to be very aware of the character limit. In this guy’s
case, his mini-description got truncated at 200 characters. The boring
stuff made it into the the profile card, while the more interesting
stuff from the longer version got left out.
You must always start with the most exciting things first.
Let’s take a deeper look into this guy’s profile. Clicking through, you’ll find a longer version of his personal description:
“Hello i am [name] and looking for my miss perfect but i
dont want to rush in to any thing. I would say i am
honest,hardworking,caring and polite.
Been a cabinet maker for over four years now and i really enjoy my
job. I have always worked since leaving school, but i still live with my
parents as it is the cheapest option and i cant realy afford to move
out on my own
We have lots of animals dogs,cats,chicken,birds,fish and the list is still growing
I enjoy walking our german shepherd and newfoundland. We also work
our newfoundland as she loves swimming and its great fun! We take her to
show as children love stroking the dogs and its good to socialise them
with other people and dogs.
I like socialising with my friends cinema,pub,football.
I like watching moto gp,f1,tour de france and football to name but a few
I can play a bit on the keyboardand but i am not great lol and i like most music.”
This is as messy as it gets. He’s practically listing all of the reasons a woman should not date him. When a woman reads “I have always worked but still live with my parents”, a HUGE red flag goes up in her mind.
That flag says “CAUTION: BROKE AND CLINGY GUY LOOKING FOR A WOMAN WHO WILL BABYSIT HIM!”
That part should definitely be left out.
What I would focus on is his love for animals and the wonderful walks
around the countryside or trips to the beach. Sure, some people hate
pets. But if you’re a pet lover, then you probably don’t want to be
around people like that anyway.
The important thing is to say very clearly what you love, or are
passionate about, and then present it as an activity that you and her
could share.
So for this case, I’d write:
“I’ve got two adorable dogs — a German Shepherd and a
Newfoundland — who will steal your heart away. You can join us for
fantastic walks in the countryside and cool trips to the beach.”
Case #2
Compare the photo quality in this profile card with the previous one. See how a little sunlight improves the overall quality?
That being said, stay away from these weird angle photos. You might
think they look cool, but they distort your appearance really badly.
Notice how small his arm looks in comparison to his head. Plus, this is
the kind of angle you’d expect to see in a teenager’s selfie, not a
grown man’s dating profile.
If you don’t already have exciting pictures of yourself, the best
thing to do is have someone else take the photo so you can avoid
situations like we see above.
If you’re worried about not capturing the perfect angle or moment,
use the multi-shot feature. Almost every camera has it, even cell
phones. It shoots a sequence of photos in rapid succession, so you can
then pick the perfect one.
Also, when taking photos, always try to apply the Rule of Thirds.
It’s a simple rule of thumb for good picture composition.
Let’s look at the description.
Well… its not that easy deal with me! But sometime people
have just a shell. And shell its still better than a mask, fake mask.
If someone care of you so must get inside the soul, find a way to…
I’ve already mentioned spelling and grammar in the previous example, so I won’t repeat myself here.
What really screws this guy up though, is the opening phrase, “Well… its not that easy deal with me!”
I understand he’s trying to be honest. I’m all for openness in a
relationship. But blasting out a line like that, before even giving a
person a reason to put up with your BS, is just plain stupid.
Here’s a very important thing to keep in mind.
Nobody owes us anything, least of all love, affection and respect. These are all things we need to earn.
By saying something like, “I’m hard to deal with”, you’re
essentially demanding that the other person walk into a disastrous
relationship without any upside at all. It’s like saying, “This meat is rotten and it’s gonna give you indigestion, but I want you to buy it and eat it anyway”.
We all have our tough moments, our little quirks. There are times
when we can be tough to handle for a number of reasons. Yet, the people
who really love us still deal with us. Why? Because we earned their love
and respect first, and then had the occasional douche episode.
So, keep away from phrases like those. Focus on the positive. And if
you really have a bad attitude, it’s time to start working on it. You’ve
admitted it to yourself, so you’re half way there already. Don’t make
someone else pick up the pieces.
Get to work.
Case #3
For this one, the two biggest things that stand out are his main profile picture and his “own words” about himself.
This isn’t the kind of picture you want to have as your main one.
Maybe as a supporting picture to show that you’re a regular guy who
likes to BBQ.
But not as the main one. Your main photo should be a headshot of you
looking directly into the camera. Very simple. very effective.
Not being able to look directly into a camera—and smile—says a lot about you. And not what you want to say, either.
When your main profile pic shows you looking directly into the camera
smiling, it says that you’re comfortable in your own skin. It says
you’re confident enough to put yourself out there without having to
cover up or use a distraction. And, it says that you know what you want.
The difference between a main profile photo of a man who is looking
directly into the camera and a man who cannot without having to wear
sunglasses, or a cap, or lift up his shirt…is huge.
Now, read what he says about himself.
“I am looking for a long lasting relationship with honest
and hardworking lady. Someone who enjoys going out or staying in to
have a good time. I enjoy nature and the outdoors, sports and cooking
good food.”
Could this description of who he is and what he’s looking for be any more vague or boring? I don’t think so.
Not to mention he doesn’t get any gold stars for grammar, having
missed the word “an” that should have gone between “with” and “honest.”
He then says that he wants someone who enjoys “going out or staying
in to have a good time”. So this basically means anywhere and
everywhere. Very vague and utterly meaningless.
You might as well say “I enjoy women who enjoy things.”
He also enjoys nature, sports, and cooking good food. Yawn.
If you want a woman to write back to you after reading your profile,
your description about yourself had better be interesting, humorous,
intriguing, clever, thoughtful and well-written.
I’m not seeing any of that here, are you?
Remember, the 3 things a woman sees first are your headline, your main photo, and your personal description.
If you don’t get these right—like the vast majority of men who are
online right now don’t—you might as well save yourself the time and skip
online dating altogether.
Or you can put what little time and effort is required to create a decent profile. Your choice.
Bonus Tip #1
Your dating profile should present the very best version of you. That
said, don’t outright lie. Women have a sixth sense for liars.
Even if you manage to get your foot in the door, you won’t last.
Instead, take what you have and work on presenting it in the most fun,
exciting way possible.
Bonus Tip #2
Don’t take yourself too seriously. Inject some humor but make sure
you don’t portray yourself as a clown. Women want an entertaining guy,
not a court jester. They want to laugh WITH you, not at you.
Bonus Tip #3
Talk about yourself, but make it about her. Let her know how your qualities can give her a great time. E.g:
“I’m completely obsessed with motorcycles.” — BAD
“There’s room for two on my motorcycle. Ever flown through the countryside on the back of a Harley before?” — GOOD
Bonus Tip #4
For your profile pic, you really don’t need anything over the top. Don’t throw away money on photo shoots.
Just make sure you follow the tips I mentioned earlier in this blog post, then give it a final retouching using iPiccy.
It’s a very simple online image editor. Upload your picture and click
the button called “Fix Image”. You can even play around with some of
the additional features if you feel like, but you really don’t need to.
Taking Action
That should have given you a pretty solid starting point on what to do to boost your online dating profile.
Now, it’s time to take action.
Look at your own profile. Go through the advice I shared with you in this post and look for ways to improve what you have.
Then, go to the comments below and post the “before and after”. I want to see how you applied these tips.
If you’re stuck, don’t worry. Post what you have anyway and everybody can pitch in with ideas to help you improve.
crash test for Flirting
Car companies use crash test dummies when they want to figure out how to make their vehicles safer.
Comedians do it too. They always test their new material in crappy
bars first. They see what bombs, they take what works, they polish it,
and test it again and again and again until it’s top class, until it’s
ready. What comes out at Spanky’s Pub isn’t going into the same set as
Madison Square Garden.
Here’s what’s weird. Despite the fact that comedians have their scripts memorized, they NEVER sound rehearsed.
On the contrary, they sound perfectly natural.
What’s more, they know their routine SO WELL, that nothing throws
them off. If an idiot heckles them, they can drive him to the ground
without missing a beat.
You can bet by the time Louis CK hit the big stage with his stand-up
piece on dating, he’d been cleaning it up on the shit circuit a long,
long time.
If the pros are doing it, you should be doing it too.
Using “crash test dummies” is a great way to crash and burn where it doesn’t matter.
And if it works for car companies, stand-up comedians and a whole lot
of other industries, you can bet it’s gonna work for your dating
strategy too.
Here’s the thing: whenever you’re trying something out for the first time, it’s virtually guaranteed you’re gonna suck…
It happens for a number of reasons:
You’re inexperienced;
You haven’t built the skill set;
You don’t know the process well enough;
And most importantly, you don’t know how to react when stuff blows up in your face (improvisation).
The only way you’re going to overcome those obstacles is by testing out your approach over and over again.
And you’ve got to do it in low stakes scenarios so it doesn’t hurt too much.
Imagine if you could train to be a professional boxer without the
risk of getting punched in the face. That’s the kind of power we’re
talking about.
Crash test dummies for flirting—they’re everywhere
By now you’re probably nodding and saying, “Yeah I get it Tripp;
you want me to go to the mall and practice by hitting on girls I’m not
really interested in. About a dozen dating coaches gave me that advice
before you AND IT SUCKED. Thanks a lot”.
No man. That’s not what I want you to do.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying it’s bad advice. But that bit comes later.
There’s other stuff you need to do first, otherwise you won’t be getting any benefit out of that exercise.
Before you get anywhere with women, you need to understand that being
good with women really boils down to being good with people in general.
This is one of the central things in what I teach—you don’t need
cheesy pick-up lines and sneaky tactics to get the women you want. You
can do it all by being genuine, authentic and honest.
And how do you do that?
By working on becoming the best version of yourself no matter who you interact with.
The world is your laboratory
Here’s what I want you to do from now on—treat EVERYONE as your crash test dummy.
Every interaction you have from this point on is going to be a test
in human interaction. You will approach it in an almost clinical way.
You will test one thing at a time, tweak it, get it right, and then move onto the next thing.
Pick a basic action. Start with something ridiculously simple, like smiling.
Take that action apart to understand how it works. In the case of
smiling, you need to figure out what makes a smile look genuine as
opposed to fake, or (God forbid) creepy. So:
Find out what the different kinds of smiles look like. Seriously,
Google them. Look for fake smiles, creepy smiles, scary smiles, genuine
smiles, suggestive smiles, etc.
Understand what’s happening with the face in each case. For
instance, you’ll notice that a genuine smile happens mostly in the eyes
rather than the mouth. On the other hand, a creepy smile works the mouth
but not the eyes.
Practice the different kinds of smiles in the mirror; yes, even the
creepy ones. I want you to get used to the sensations you get in your
face for each of the smiles, and turn them into muscle memory. That way,
if you flash a creepy smile, you can catch yourself and change it into a
genuine smile.
Apply your new skill out in the world on everyone you meet (maybe
not on the thug breaking into your neighbor’s sedan at 3 am, but you get
what I mean).
Observe the results and adjust accordingly.
Feeling nauseous at the thought of so much socializing? Don’t. You’ll find that most people you smile at will plain ignore you.
That’s fine and perfectly normal. It’s also a good thing for you,
because it helps you learn to not take rejection personally—step by
step, you’ll build thick skin, which is essential for approaching women.
The important thing is to keep testing
Some of this stuff can be really counterintuitive. For instance, you
might think that a wide smile makes you look weird; but then you test it
out and find that people react more warmly to it.
You need to keep testing and polishing, getting rid of what bombs,
keeping what works, and making it better. You’re part scientist, part
comedian, all results.
After a while you’ll find that you’ve mastered an awesome smile and people tend to warm up to you faster.
Even better, your confidence has gone up a notch!
Remember, the less things you need to think (or worry) about when
approaching a woman, the smoother you’re gonna be and the more natural
you’ll sound. Competence breeds confidence.
This is the secret to becoming naturally attractive without ever needing to use cheesy pick-up lines or sneaky tricks.
Pick another skill and repeat the process
You get the idea. Now, you need to apply this same approach to your other social skills.
Pick the next most basic thing—saying “Hi” to someone. Whenever someone smiles at you, say “Hi.”
That’s it.
Experiment with your voice. Try to inject different levels of enthusiasm into the greeting. Try all sorts of stuff.
Here are some more things you can test:
Eye contact
How long to keep it;
Whether to break it off first;
How to break it off;
Whether to smile when making eye contact, and whether to smile immediately, or wait a while (and how long to wait);
Test additional tweaks, such as tilting your head, furrowing your forehead, winking, squinting, etc.
Proximity
How close you can get to people without them feeling uncomfortable;
Whether the orientation of your body affects how close you can get
to people before they start backing off, e.g. When you’re facing someone
directly, you might not be able to move too close, but you could try a
sideways orientation.
Pauses in conversation
When in conversation, try to pause before replying;
Test the length of your pauses to see how people respond.
As you master the little things, you can move up to more “intimate”
skills such as hugging. If you want to get a jump-start,
The whole point is to work with small building blocks and testing
them in a low stakes environment. It’s the little skills that eventually
build up to form your cool, charming demeanor.
I mentioned this earlier but you might have missed it—listen up,
because it’s really important. Only test one variable at a time!
Don’t get carried away trying all sorts of things at once.
If you’re trying more than one thing, you won’t know what’s working, and that will screw you up.
Say you spend the whole day both standing closer to people when you
greet them AND waiting longer to reply, and find that people respond
more favorably than the day before.
Well, guess what? Now you have to spend a couple extra days testing
because you can’t say for sure what’s more important—proximity or pause
duration.
Keep it simple; only test one new skill at a time and avoid “winging it.” This stuff is important.
Key Takeaways
So, here’s the list of takeaways in case you need a refresher or want to revisit it later.
Being good with women really boils down to being good with people in general.
Dating is a collection of skills that you can test and improve—one by one—to build competence and confidence.
You are a scientist, the world is your laboratory and everyone is your crash test dummy.
Pick one skill you’d like to improve (e.g. smiling), take it apart,
analyze its separate parts, and then test out different variations on
everyone.
Once you’ve improved one skill, move on to the next and repeat the process.
Only test one new skill at a time.
Ready? Action!
Ok, you’ve got all you need. Now you can keep reading this post over
and over hoping a goddess will magically fall in your lap, or you can go
out there and do something useful with this knowledge by taking action.
Look, learning is good, but practice is what’s gonna get you results.
So, I want you to commit right now.
And don’t just limit yourself to the examples I gave you. Try out different tactics and share them in the comments.
Get to it!
To your success,
Texting Women
What’s your ultimate goal when it comes to getting girls?
Is it to go out on a ton of dates?
Is it to get a hot girlfriend?
Is it to have many, many more nights filled with wild sex?
Or, do you want to get married?
Whatever your goal may be, it’s important to know how to text women. And why is that?
Because you can’t always communicate face-to-face. Texting fills the
time when you’re out of sight, and keeps you from becoming “out of
mind.”
Getting a girl’s phone number is only the first step in seducing her via text.
To get the girl, you need to know when to text, what to text, how often…there’s actually a lot of information to consider.
In this post we’ll talk about:
How to text in a way that grabs attention and gets her excited;
How to utilize emoticons to make conversations fun and engaging;
How to get a girl dying to go on a date with you;
What to say when a girl stops texting you;
How to get a girl in the mood with steamy sexts, until she’s practically begging to meet up with you;
The most common mistakes guys make when texting girls—and how to avoid them;
And just as importantly, how to stop texting a girl in a way that keeps her waiting with anticipation.
If you don’t know flirt with a girl using texts, she’ll get bored very quickly. Do you know what happens when she gets bored?
She stops replying to your texts. She starts texting other guys—guys
who excite her. Your phone goes silent, and you can’t figure out what
went wrong.
Look, we’ve all been there before. I know it’s frustrating as hell, and that’s why I wrote this post.
After reading this guide and learning how to increase the allure of
your text messages, you’ll be able to get any girl—any girl who likes
you enough to give out her number, that is—to not only text back, but
want to meet up, date and hook up.
Let’s get started.
What To Say In Your First Message
The impression you make with your first texts is not likely to change, which is why these are the most crucial.
These opening messages must be exciting, intriguing and interactive.
This is where most men screw up. Texts like “Hi,” “What’s up?” and “How’s it going?” are lame and generic.
These are almost worse than not sending texts at all. And why is that?
Because girls respond back to your texts based on 3 important factors:
1. How she feels at that moment.
If she’s feeling happy because her day is going well, then she’s more likely to reply.
But if she’s feeling moody, frustrated or ill, then she’s probably
not going to want to text anybody, especially a strange new guy.
2. How she feels about the person texting her.
A girl will almost always text her Mom or friends back right away or anybody else who she’s really close to.
If it’s someone for her work, she’ll text them back. If it’s related
to a nail or hair appointment, she’ll definitely text them back.
But for a guy that she met a bar while she was out with her friends,
or a guy from school, or a guy who’s a friend of a friend…you can see
how your texts are already at the bottom of the pyramid.
3. How she feels about the texts themselves.
A girl’s isn’t going to respond to a text that doesn’t make her feel anything.
But if she gets a text that makes her smile or laugh, or grabs her
attention and piques her interest, or gets her horny and excited…then
she’s much more likely to respond back.
When a girl doesn’t respond, your first thought is probably that
she’s ignoring you. While that may be true, it’s just as often not. Keep
these factors in mind before you jump to conclusions.
Now that we’ve laid the groundwork, let’s get back to what you should say in those vital first messages.
Simply put, your first text message should mention what brought you
together. How you met, where you met, what you were doing, who you were
with…these details are extremely important.
By being hyper-specific with your first message, those (hopefully) awesome feelings she felt with you will come rushing back.
For instance, if you met her at a party, then say something about the
party. Ask her if she enjoyed it, or talk about the people that were
there, or mention something funny that happened.
If you met her at a bar, say something about the bar, or the crazy
girls dancing on the counter, or where you went after drinking.
Here are some examples of first text messages that you can send to a girl:
“I like that place we all were at at the end of the night. What was it called?”
“I think that bartender was having a few too many himself. What do you think?”
“My coffee only lasted me about an hour this time. Must’ve been thirsty. How about you?”
“So did you end up getting that book you had? What was it called? How to meet a handsome guy at a book store? ;)”
“You get those vegetables you were looking at? I did. Got me some
romanesco, kohlrabi, salsify, celeriac, and kai-lan. Can’t forget the
kai-lan. How bout you?”
“I love going to the farmer’s market. You never know what you’re
gonna find. Today I got kale, chard, broccoli, and a cute girl’s
number.”
“Need to study later? I know this quiet spot in the library with a
cool view. I’ll share it with you if you promise to keep it to
yourself.”
“I’m in the dining hall right now. Not sure what’s good here. You hungry?”
“I think we could both use a break from studying. Want to go see a movie later?”
“You’re a pool shark aren’t you? What other shady skills should I know about?”
See how these examples take her back to the frame of mind of where
she was when she first met you? That’s what you want to do to get her
texting you back.
So however you two met, before texting her for the first time, think
about what it was that brought you together and how to bring it up in a
way that’s both funny and interesting.
Doing this not only reminds her of the fun that she had when she met
you, but also subconsciously gets her thinking about doing it again…with
you.
11 Principles For Successfully Flirting With Girls By Text
Below are 11 principles to follow whenever you’re texting a girl you
like. By following these guidelines, you will learn to make the most out
of every text. And if you screw up, you won’t be scratching your head
trying to figure out why.
1. Learn How To Spell
If your texts read like a 12-year-old’s Twitter feed, no quality
woman is going to take you seriously. You don’t have to write at a PhD
level, but making an effort regarding spelling and grammar goes a long
way towards showing you give a damn.
2. Be Creative, Unique, and Different
Put some thought into your texts so you stand out from everybody
else. If you’re gonna say “Hi,” always add it on to something else. A
single word provides no substance, and does little or nothing to help
you schedule a date or a booty call.
3. Bring Value To Her Life
Most guys text girls with the goal of getting something from her,
whether it be her attention, her time or her body. Be different. Offer
something of value and reap the rewards later.
4. Keep Them Fun and Lighthearted
Always keep your texts fun, playful and lighthearted. Don’t bring up
serious subjects or get into drama with your texts. Save these for
in-person conversations.
5. Keep Them Short and Sweet
Keep your texts to only about one or two sentences each. If you write
too much, it can make you look desperate. You want her to know that you
have a life.
6. Ask Her Questions
Asking questions about her shows that you care about the girl. Keep
these simple and relevant to what she’s been doing lately to keep the
conversation going. Avoid interview-style questions where it feels like
you’re interrogating her instead of getting to know her.
7. Be Thoughtful and Considerate
Obviously your goal here is to set up a date or build up attraction
to make sex happen. But that doesn’t mean you should completely ignore
her feelings. If you know she had a hard day at work, don’t say
something insensitive or pester her. Learn when to cool off and give her
space.
8. Put a Smile On Her Face
If you can get a girl to smile when she reads one of your texts, she’ll respond back to you nearly every time.
9. Always Be Flirting With Her
Remember what your primary goal here. Your goal is not to text. Texting is how you achieve your goal.
Your goal is to meet in person. Therefore, all of your texts should
push to achieve a meet-up in some way. That means always be
flirtatious—stop flirting, get friend-zoned. It’s simple.
10. Don’t Be So Readily Available
After you get a girl’s number, wait a little while before texting
her. If you’re really excited and can’t wait to text her, then wait a
few days. Good things come to those who wait.
11. Always Be The One To End It
If the conversation is going really well, keep her wanting more of you by ending it. Yes, you read that correctly.
Always be the one to end it first. Never keep a conversation going longer than necessary or you risk running out of steam.
How To Use Emoticons
Girls love emoticons. You probably already knew that, but these
little smiley faces should be part of every man’s texting toolkit, too.
They convey to her that you’re a fun guy with a playful, light-hearted attitude.
The best emoticons to use are the simplest ones. If you use fancy
ones or those really long ones that create a picture, that’s when you’re
over doing it.
The main purpose of using emoticons is to make your conversations with her more fun and intriguing.
Example: “Want to see a movie?”
And now with an emoticon: “Want to see a movie? ;)”
See how adding a wink makes seeing a movie sound way more fun?
They can also be used to make bold invitations easier for her to say yes to.
Example: “Want to watch a movie at my place?”
Whether she wants to or not, this type of invitation naturally brings
up second thoughts about being with you because she’ll be alone with
you at your place.
And now with an emoticon: “Want to watch a movie at my place? [image error]
Get Your Ex Girlfriend to Unblock You
We live in a very fast paced world.
10 years ago the average person who owned a cell phone still had a flip phone.
You know, those goofy looking phones that looked like this,
A few years later flip phones got an upgrade and turned into blackberries,
And then a few years after that blackberries upgraded to iPhones,
Now it seems like every other month there is another super sized smart phone that gets an upgraded.
Well, phones weren’t the only thing that evolved. Along with phones
constantly upgrading interfaces within the phones upgraded as well. And
with those upgraded interfaces came more options and more freedom from
who a person can accept a call or text from.
I want you to think back to a moment to the old days…
The days where the only option someone had if they wanted to ignore you was just to simply ignore your phone call.
Blocking text messages didn’t exist…
Blocking phone calls didn’t exist…
Heck, BLOCKING didn’t exist.
I guess what I am trying to say is that blocking is a relatively recent problem.
It was something that men didn’t have to worry about until the
introduction of the new interfaces with more options (blocking being one
of them.)
But now-a-day’s a man who gets blocked by his ex girlfriend doesn’t
just have to worry about his number being blocked he also has to worry
about being blocked on applications like (WhatsApp, SnapChat, Kik, Skype
and Viber.)
Oh, and lets not forget all the popular social media sites like (Facebook, Twitter, Google Plus and LinkedIn.)
So, what happens if you undergo an ex recovery campaign to get your
ex girlfriend back and she has you blocked on one, two, three or all of
these mediums?
Well, that’s what we are here to find out.
The Format Of This Page
Lets say that you have decided that you want to get your ex
girlfriend back but she has blocked you from all forms of communication
and your plan for getting her back revolves heavily around the two of
you talking.
What are you supposed to do to get her to unblock you?
Well, that is what this page was created for.
I want you to look at this page as the ultimate cheat sheet for getting your ex girlfriend to unblock you.
Now, I don’t want there to be any confusion so I am going to briefly
explain how I have decided to format this page and then we are going to
jump right into the fray.
This page is formatted in a relatively simple way. I have decided to divide it into three different sections.
Lets take a look at these sections,
The Full Out Block (Our Starting Point)
Understanding The Truth About Being Blocked
How To Get Her To Unblock You
Pretty standard stuff, huh?
Nothing too out of the ordinary.
Lets just get right down to business.
SECTION ONE: The Full Out Block (Our Starting Point)
We are going to begin with an assumption.
Hmm…
Perhaps “assumption” isn’t the right word.
So, what is the right word for this?
Hmm…
Oh, I know.
Lets assume that you are being blocked by your ex girlfriend and you
want to get her back. I want to start from a worst case scenario
situation and figure out how to approach the situation. I feel you will
get more out of that then me just explaining the basics of being
blocked.
Of course, before I can begin this worst case scenario situation I have to drop some knowledge on you first.
You cannot get your ex girlfriend back if you are blocked by her.
Do you understand me?
You need to have some way of communicating with her for you to be
able to even have a chance of getting her back. In other words, what I
am saying is that if you are blocked by your ex girlfriend and have no
way of getting in touch with her then you will fail.
So, the purpose of this guide isn’t to teach you ALL the steps of getting your ex girlfriend back.
It’s to take you from being blocked to not being blocked.
What Would You Do With a Proven System
That Allowed You to Attract Any Woman
You Wanted (Including Your Ex)
But lets get to the reason why we are here.
Helping you get unblocked by your ex.
The Worst Case Scenario
So, what is the worst case scenario you can find yourself in when it comes to blocking?
It’s an important question that needs to get answered so we can continue this guide.
I think this kind of thing always works better when I am using an example so I have decided to use the one below.
Well, when you take that example then the worst case scenario would be what I like to call a full out block.
What is a full out block?
Simple, it means that you are blocked to such an extent that you have
absolutely no way of contacting your ex other than you turning into a
creepy stalker and showing up at her door step. So, using the example
above that would mean that you are blocked from talking to your ex
girlfriend through her phone, WhatsApp and Facebook.
Of course, a full out block extends beyond just those mediums.
For example, if you had contacted your ex girlfriend through texting
(on your phone), FaceTime, Facebook, Calling and Snapchat then you would
be blocked in all of those areas.
In other words, a full out block actually means you have NO WAY of talking to your ex girlfriend.
You are completely cut off.
Above I mentioned that going forward we are going to assume that you
are in a situation where you are already in a full out block.
I figured you would be more interested in learning how to “houdini”
your way out of a full out block as opposed to a partial block.
For the record a partial block is a situation where you are blocked in most mediums but not all of them.
So, if you were blocked on her phone, her email and WhatsApp but you
were still friends on Facebook that would mean you still have a way of
communicating with her.
Hence you are not fully blocked by her.
But like I said above, most of you are probably curious as to how to
get out of a full out block so for the rest of this article we are going
to operate under the assumption that you are blocked fully by her.
Lets move on to our next section which has to do with understanding what is going on in her mind during a block.
SECTION TWO: Understanding The Truth About Being Blocked
I want you to think about the actual act of being blocked by your ex girlfriend.
It hurts, right?
But you are thinking about it from your perspective and not hers.
Really take a step back and think about her blocking you from her perspective.
Do you see what I am getting at here?
No?
Well, that is kind of the purpose of this entire section.
I want you to walk a mile in your exes shoes because if you can
understand her thought process for blocking you, you can better
understand how you can get out of that situation.
I would first like to start with a simple truth you have to accept.
It IS Your Fault That You Are Being Blocked
Think about this for a second.
A woman isn’t going to go through the trouble of blocking you in the
full out manner unless you have done something to warrant that kind of a
block.
For example, if you made her super mad and called her a bunch of mean
names then it can be easy to understand why she’d want to block you.
I guess the point I am getting at here is that your ex girlfriend
thought through her full out block on you. It was a conscious decision
based on something negative you did to her.
Well, what’s more negative than a breakup?
Take a look at the quote below,
Dennis Quaid once said that about breakups.
He literally compared going through a breakup to death.
Now, normally I would say that, that is a bit of a stretch but the truth is that it’s not.
Yesterday I had over 15,000 women come to my other website, Ex
Boyfriend Recovery in one day. Each one of those women are in pain and
are searching for answers.
Breakups hurt.
In fact, they hurt so much that imagining an ex girlfriend blocking you just because of the breakup is very possible.
That’s usually what happens.
Men are constantly looking for answers when they are blocked out of the blue and it seems unwarranted.
The truth is that the two of you went through a breakup.
A breakup hurts like death…
So, why wouldn’t she want to block that source of pain from continuing to hurt her?
SECTION THREE: How To Get Your Ex Girlfriend To Unblock You
Lets talk a little about specific actions you can take to improve
your chances of making your ex girlfriend unblock you from a full out
block.
Before I start I would first like you to understand one simple fact.
I can’t guarantee that your ex girlfriend will unblock you.
No one can.
But that’s not what Ex Girlfriend Recovery is about.
You can read everything I have ever written and you will notice that I
am very adamant about the fact that I can’t guarantee anything when it
comes to this process.
What I can guarantee though is that if you follow my advice you will
raise your chances to get your ex girlfriend to take the desired action
you want which in this case means unblocking you.
So, what we are looking for here is for your ex girlfriend to unblock you in one way.
Whether it be on Facebook…
The phone…
Or even through email.
If you are in a “full out” block then you have no way of contacting
your ex outside of being a stalker and tracking her down in person. So,
our main goal here is to give you a chance to communicate with her
again.
There are a few things you can do to improve your chances of making that happen.
Lets look at a few of those things now.
Thing #1: Do Nothing (No Really!)
I know what your thinking.
“Do nothing? Are you crazy?”
Trust me, I’m not.
What have you learned so far about a woman who takes an action of putting you in a full out block?
That shes emotional, right?
(Side Note: In case you forgot a breakup is one of the most emotional things that a woman can go through)
Now, what do emotional people do during breakups?
Well, they say things they don’t mean and they do things that don’t really want to do.
In most cases if you do nothing your ex girlfriend will unblock you
for a number of reasons. Let’s go down the list and talk about a few of
those reasons now.
Reason #1- She Misses You
Lets pretend that you and your ex just broke up and as a result of that breakup she blocks you from contacting her.
At first she feels pretty pleased with herself.
However, as time wears on she begins to miss you and wonders what you are up to.
She constantly finds herself asking her girl friends to log onto Facebook and see what you are doing.
Oh, and if you don’t believe this happens there is a friend that my
wife has who has asked my wife to log on to her Facebook account, see
what her ex is up to and report her findings back.
Anyways, eventually the facade is too much to endure and she misses talking to you and she decides to unblock you.
Reason #2- She Did It Out Of Anger And She Is No Longer Angry
Now lets say that your ex girlfriend gets super angry with you.
Again, breakups tend to do that to women.
In her mind she thinks to herself,
“What can I do to make him hurt as bad as I am hurt right now?”
After some reflection she comes upon her answer,
“I KNOW! I will just cut him out of my life completely.”
So, what does she do?
She does the full out block on you of course.
She blocks you from texting her, calling her, Facebooking her, IM’ing
her, emailing her, snapchatting her, WhatsApping her, Skyping her and
FaceTiming her.
You are out of the game entirely.
Now, you are pretty depressed upon discovering that she has cut you
out of her life on purpose. However, you don’t let your emotions cloud
your logic.
You know (after reading this guide) that in most cases an ex will
unblock you in one way, shape or form without you having to do anything.
So, something happens to your ex that she wasn’t counting on.
After a few months her anger subsides.
What was once a fiery rage that made her never want to talk to you again no longer exists.
She is curious as to what you are up to (see reason #1.)
So, what does she do?
She unblocks you.
How The No Contact Rule Applies Here
What Would You Do With a Proven System
That Allowed You to Attract Any Woman
You Wanted (Including Your Ex)
and learn more about it.
But I know most of you are lazy and don’t want to do the necessary
research to get your ex back and won’t read the book :p so I will just
give you a quick crash course below.
The no contact rule is this special rule that most successful get your ex back campaigns include.
The rule basically states that you perform the full out block on your
ex except instead of preventing her from contacting you altogether you
just ignore her when she does.
Truth be told I have often wondered why it’s called a no contact rule
when the truth is that it’s really a freeze out period where you ignore
your ex on purpose for a certain amount of time.
So, how does the no contact and getting an ex girlfriend to unblock you correlate?
Well, I teach most men to do the no contact rule first and foremost
when they are trying to get an ex girlfriend back so that doesn’t
exclude a man who is in a full out block from an ex.
Look, since I have already shown that a lot of women will end up
unblocking you without you having to do too much it is in your best
interest to perform the no contact rule.
Lets move on to the second thing you can do to improve your chances of making an ex girlfriend unblock you.
Thing #2: The Good/Bad News Best Friend Factor
(You will understand the picture in a bit.)
This is going to be a little tricky to explain…
How am I going to do this.
Ok, lets imagine that you are an aspiring actor.
You have been trying to break into the business for years and haven’t
had much success. In fact, your desire to become an actor is actually
one of the reasons your ex broke up with you.
“You won’t ever be a world famous actor. You should just get a real
job so we can get married and have a stable life” she always told you.
But you wouldn’t give in.
You were always kind of stubborn that way.
Well, one day you get a call and guess whose on the line?
Brad (FREAKING) Pitt,
Pitt tells you that he wants you to star in his latest movie.
He saw an audition that you did and thought you were the perfect candidate to star alongside him.
You accept of course.
Here’s where things get interesting though.
You decide that you are going to contact your ex and tell her the
good news but upon doing so you realize that you are in a full out
block.
Your ex has you blocked everywhere.
Now, this saddens you very deeply since she is the one person you
know would love to hear this incredible news. So, instead of contacting
her you decide to contact her best friend since she is the only line of
communication you have to her.
You text the friend,
It’s a juicy bit of gossip.
So, her best friend is forced to share it and what do you think happens next?
Your ex unblocks you of course.
Now, this is a very powerful tactic if used properly so we are going to dive in a bit deeper here.
Understanding The Good/Bad News Factor
The idea behind the good news/bad news factor is that your ex
girlfriend is sitting around her house one day and suddenly gets a call
from her best (and most trusted friend.)
She picks up the phone and the two of them start talking to each other.
It’s at that point that the friend mentions some shocking news about YOU (the ex.)
The idea here is that the news is so shocking that your ex girlfriend has no choice but to unblock you and ask you about it.
Take a look at the example text message above.
Notice how I created two text messages to send.
This was by design.
The first message,
Is all about delivering the shocking news.
Now, I do want to mention that the news can be either good or bad just as long as it’s shocking.
Though I will say that I always prefer good news as opposed to bad news.
Hence the Brad Pitt example above.
So, lets take that Brad Pitt example and dissect it a little more.
Remember, this text message is going to her best friend and it has to be so juicy that the friend is forced to share it.
Now, I don’t know about you but suddenly hearing about someone you know getting a part alongside Brad Pitt is worth sharing.
Obviously (unless you are some sort of super actor) you aren’t going
to be able to make the Brad Pitt claim so lets brainstorm a few ideas
that you can realistically share that are shocking.
Good News Ideas:
Suddenly losing a ton of weight by sending a picture of how much weight you lost
Getting an incredible job
Achieving an incredible physical feat (running a marathon, etc)
A mutual icon doing well (a sports icon or something of that nature)
Discussing a shocking moment in a TV show that just happened
Bad News Ideas:
Losing a job
Losing a family member
Losing something personal to the both of you
Any other type of shocking bad news you can think of
Again, I am not a huge fan of delivering bad news.
I think good news is so much better.
So, the intent of the first text message you send to her friend is
that it has to be such juicy gossip that she will want to do nothing
more than to share it with her friend (your ex.)
Now, lets take a look at the second text message you are supposed to send.
Again, I am going to go back to the Brad Pitt example,
Where the first text message you send was all about delivering
shocking news this text message is all about ensuring that, that news is
shared.
Notice how I made it sound like you wanted to get in touch with your ex but weren’t able to.
This suggests to the friend that she should share the news without you actually saying,
“Hey, share this good news with my ex so she will unblock me and eventually call me.”
Also, don’t be afraid to get into a conversation with the friend (who
you are basically using to get in touch with your ex) after you send
the second text message.
Why?
Because the more you talk to the friend the more likely she is to run
back to your ex and talk about you and the more she talks about you the
more likely it is that she shares the shocking thing you want her to
share and the chances of your ex unblocking you to find out more about
this shocking thing go up!
See, there is a method to this madness.
Lets move on to the next thing that you can do to get her to unblock you,
Thing #3: The Good/Bad News YOUR Friend Factor
I am getting desperate here.
The truth is that if you are in a full out block you are in a really
bad position. Especially if you want nothing more than to just reconnect
with your ex.
I want you to go back to “Thing #2” and re-read that section.
I am going to be honest with you.
Thing #2 is probably my best piece of advice when it comes to getting your ex to break her full out block on you.
Of course, there is a wildcard in play with thing #2.
What’s the wildcard?
The best friend.
Essentially you are relying on another human being who is not on your side to deliver shocking news to your ex in the right way.
The problem here is the fact that women band together during breakups.
How often have you heard two women talking about a breakup and one of them saying something like,
“You can do so much better than him.”
Look, no matter which way you slice it your exes friend is going to
be on her side and not yours and sometimes the friend isn’t the more
reliable person to… well, rely on.
But you know who is?
YOUR FRIEND!
Using Your Friend As The Deliverer…
So, here is my idea.
Imagine that instead of sending a shocking message to your exes
friend you took one of your own best friends aside and let him or her
deliver the shocking message to your girlfriend.
(Side Note: The friend that you choose has to be one that your ex
girlfriend is familiar with. I mean, how weird would it be if some
stranger just texted her out of the blue?)
Now, there is a risk with using your friend.
What’s the risk?
Getting an ex back is a lot like playing poker.
If you show your hand to your opponent in poker then you are going to lose.
The same principle applies here.
If your ex catches on to what you are doing by sending a friend to
get her to unblock you the chances that she will unblock you are slim to
none.
So, that’s the risk with sending a trusted friend.
But whatever way you slice it there is going to be risk with this method.
Why?
Because if you use “thing #2” by sending the shocking information to
one of her friends they may not deliver the shocking message the way you
want it to be delivered.
Remember, it’s super important that this news is delivered correctly.
This obviously isn’t a problem if you control the way that the
message is delivered to your ex which you will be able to do if you send
a trusted friend.
Now, if you ask my opinion on what I would do if I was in your position I would use my friend as opposed to one of her friends.
Why?
While there is certainly risk with using one of my own brethren I
would rather have control of how the information is delivered because in
the end the shocking message is the more important part as opposed to
who delivers it.
But this is completely your choice and not mine.
Do what you feel is right.
10 years ago the average person who owned a cell phone still had a flip phone.
You know, those goofy looking phones that looked like this,
A few years later flip phones got an upgrade and turned into blackberries,
And then a few years after that blackberries upgraded to iPhones,
Now it seems like every other month there is another super sized smart phone that gets an upgraded.
Well, phones weren’t the only thing that evolved. Along with phones
constantly upgrading interfaces within the phones upgraded as well. And
with those upgraded interfaces came more options and more freedom from
who a person can accept a call or text from.
I want you to think back to a moment to the old days…
The days where the only option someone had if they wanted to ignore you was just to simply ignore your phone call.
Blocking text messages didn’t exist…
Blocking phone calls didn’t exist…
Heck, BLOCKING didn’t exist.
I guess what I am trying to say is that blocking is a relatively recent problem.
It was something that men didn’t have to worry about until the
introduction of the new interfaces with more options (blocking being one
of them.)
But now-a-day’s a man who gets blocked by his ex girlfriend doesn’t
just have to worry about his number being blocked he also has to worry
about being blocked on applications like (WhatsApp, SnapChat, Kik, Skype
and Viber.)
Oh, and lets not forget all the popular social media sites like (Facebook, Twitter, Google Plus and LinkedIn.)
So, what happens if you undergo an ex recovery campaign to get your
ex girlfriend back and she has you blocked on one, two, three or all of
these mediums?
Well, that’s what we are here to find out.
The Format Of This Page
Lets say that you have decided that you want to get your ex
girlfriend back but she has blocked you from all forms of communication
and your plan for getting her back revolves heavily around the two of
you talking.
What are you supposed to do to get her to unblock you?
Well, that is what this page was created for.
I want you to look at this page as the ultimate cheat sheet for getting your ex girlfriend to unblock you.
Now, I don’t want there to be any confusion so I am going to briefly
explain how I have decided to format this page and then we are going to
jump right into the fray.
This page is formatted in a relatively simple way. I have decided to divide it into three different sections.
Lets take a look at these sections,
The Full Out Block (Our Starting Point)
Understanding The Truth About Being Blocked
How To Get Her To Unblock You
Pretty standard stuff, huh?
Nothing too out of the ordinary.
Lets just get right down to business.
SECTION ONE: The Full Out Block (Our Starting Point)
We are going to begin with an assumption.
Hmm…
Perhaps “assumption” isn’t the right word.
So, what is the right word for this?
Hmm…
Oh, I know.
Worst Case Scenario
Lets assume that you are being blocked by your ex girlfriend and you
want to get her back. I want to start from a worst case scenario
situation and figure out how to approach the situation. I feel you will
get more out of that then me just explaining the basics of being
blocked.
Of course, before I can begin this worst case scenario situation I have to drop some knowledge on you first.
You cannot get your ex girlfriend back if you are blocked by her.
Do you understand me?
You need to have some way of communicating with her for you to be
able to even have a chance of getting her back. In other words, what I
am saying is that if you are blocked by your ex girlfriend and have no
way of getting in touch with her then you will fail.
So, the purpose of this guide isn’t to teach you ALL the steps of getting your ex girlfriend back.
It’s to take you from being blocked to not being blocked.
What Would You Do With a Proven System
That Allowed You to Attract Any Woman
You Wanted (Including Your Ex)
But lets get to the reason why we are here.
Helping you get unblocked by your ex.
The Worst Case Scenario
So, what is the worst case scenario you can find yourself in when it comes to blocking?
It’s an important question that needs to get answered so we can continue this guide.
I think this kind of thing always works better when I am using an example so I have decided to use the one below.
Lets say that when you and your girlfriend were dating
the two of you communicated frequently in three ways. Through calling
each other, texting through WhatsApp and messaging each other through
Facebook.
Well, when you take that example then the worst case scenario would be what I like to call a full out block.
What is a full out block?
Simple, it means that you are blocked to such an extent that you have
absolutely no way of contacting your ex other than you turning into a
creepy stalker and showing up at her door step. So, using the example
above that would mean that you are blocked from talking to your ex
girlfriend through her phone, WhatsApp and Facebook.
Of course, a full out block extends beyond just those mediums.
For example, if you had contacted your ex girlfriend through texting
(on your phone), FaceTime, Facebook, Calling and Snapchat then you would
be blocked in all of those areas.
In other words, a full out block actually means you have NO WAY of talking to your ex girlfriend.
You are completely cut off.
Above I mentioned that going forward we are going to assume that you
are in a situation where you are already in a full out block.
I figured you would be more interested in learning how to “houdini”
your way out of a full out block as opposed to a partial block.
For the record a partial block is a situation where you are blocked in most mediums but not all of them.
So, if you were blocked on her phone, her email and WhatsApp but you
were still friends on Facebook that would mean you still have a way of
communicating with her.
Hence you are not fully blocked by her.
But like I said above, most of you are probably curious as to how to
get out of a full out block so for the rest of this article we are going
to operate under the assumption that you are blocked fully by her.
Lets move on to our next section which has to do with understanding what is going on in her mind during a block.
SECTION TWO: Understanding The Truth About Being Blocked
I want you to think about the actual act of being blocked by your ex girlfriend.
It hurts, right?
But you are thinking about it from your perspective and not hers.
Really take a step back and think about her blocking you from her perspective.
Do you see what I am getting at here?
No?
Well, that is kind of the purpose of this entire section.
I want you to walk a mile in your exes shoes because if you can
understand her thought process for blocking you, you can better
understand how you can get out of that situation.
I would first like to start with a simple truth you have to accept.
It IS Your Fault That You Are Being Blocked
Think about this for a second.
A woman isn’t going to go through the trouble of blocking you in the
full out manner unless you have done something to warrant that kind of a
block.
For example, if you made her super mad and called her a bunch of mean
names then it can be easy to understand why she’d want to block you.
I guess the point I am getting at here is that your ex girlfriend
thought through her full out block on you. It was a conscious decision
based on something negative you did to her.
Well, what’s more negative than a breakup?
Take a look at the quote below,
When you break up, your whole identity is shattered. It’s like death
Dennis Quaid once said that about breakups.
He literally compared going through a breakup to death.
Now, normally I would say that, that is a bit of a stretch but the truth is that it’s not.
Yesterday I had over 15,000 women come to my other website, Ex
Boyfriend Recovery in one day. Each one of those women are in pain and
are searching for answers.
Breakups hurt.
In fact, they hurt so much that imagining an ex girlfriend blocking you just because of the breakup is very possible.
That’s usually what happens.
Men are constantly looking for answers when they are blocked out of the blue and it seems unwarranted.
The truth is that the two of you went through a breakup.
A breakup hurts like death…
So, why wouldn’t she want to block that source of pain from continuing to hurt her?
SECTION THREE: How To Get Your Ex Girlfriend To Unblock You
Lets talk a little about specific actions you can take to improve
your chances of making your ex girlfriend unblock you from a full out
block.
Before I start I would first like you to understand one simple fact.
I can’t guarantee that your ex girlfriend will unblock you.
No one can.
But that’s not what Ex Girlfriend Recovery is about.
You can read everything I have ever written and you will notice that I
am very adamant about the fact that I can’t guarantee anything when it
comes to this process.
What I can guarantee though is that if you follow my advice you will
raise your chances to get your ex girlfriend to take the desired action
you want which in this case means unblocking you.
So, what we are looking for here is for your ex girlfriend to unblock you in one way.
Whether it be on Facebook…
The phone…
Or even through email.
If you are in a “full out” block then you have no way of contacting
your ex outside of being a stalker and tracking her down in person. So,
our main goal here is to give you a chance to communicate with her
again.
There are a few things you can do to improve your chances of making that happen.
Lets look at a few of those things now.
Thing #1: Do Nothing (No Really!)
I know what your thinking.
“Do nothing? Are you crazy?”
Trust me, I’m not.
What have you learned so far about a woman who takes an action of putting you in a full out block?
That shes emotional, right?
(Side Note: In case you forgot a breakup is one of the most emotional things that a woman can go through)
Now, what do emotional people do during breakups?
Well, they say things they don’t mean and they do things that don’t really want to do.
In most cases if you do nothing your ex girlfriend will unblock you
for a number of reasons. Let’s go down the list and talk about a few of
those reasons now.
Reason #1- She Misses You
Lets pretend that you and your ex just broke up and as a result of that breakup she blocks you from contacting her.
At first she feels pretty pleased with herself.
However, as time wears on she begins to miss you and wonders what you are up to.
She constantly finds herself asking her girl friends to log onto Facebook and see what you are doing.
Oh, and if you don’t believe this happens there is a friend that my
wife has who has asked my wife to log on to her Facebook account, see
what her ex is up to and report her findings back.
Anyways, eventually the facade is too much to endure and she misses talking to you and she decides to unblock you.
Reason #2- She Did It Out Of Anger And She Is No Longer Angry
Now lets say that your ex girlfriend gets super angry with you.
Again, breakups tend to do that to women.
In her mind she thinks to herself,
“What can I do to make him hurt as bad as I am hurt right now?”
After some reflection she comes upon her answer,
“I KNOW! I will just cut him out of my life completely.”
So, what does she do?
She does the full out block on you of course.
She blocks you from texting her, calling her, Facebooking her, IM’ing
her, emailing her, snapchatting her, WhatsApping her, Skyping her and
FaceTiming her.
You are out of the game entirely.
Now, you are pretty depressed upon discovering that she has cut you
out of her life on purpose. However, you don’t let your emotions cloud
your logic.
You know (after reading this guide) that in most cases an ex will
unblock you in one way, shape or form without you having to do anything.
So, something happens to your ex that she wasn’t counting on.
After a few months her anger subsides.
What was once a fiery rage that made her never want to talk to you again no longer exists.
She is curious as to what you are up to (see reason #1.)
So, what does she do?
She unblocks you.
How The No Contact Rule Applies Here
What Would You Do With a Proven System
That Allowed You to Attract Any Woman
You Wanted (Including Your Ex)
and learn more about it.
But I know most of you are lazy and don’t want to do the necessary
research to get your ex back and won’t read the book :p so I will just
give you a quick crash course below.
The no contact rule is this special rule that most successful get your ex back campaigns include.
The rule basically states that you perform the full out block on your
ex except instead of preventing her from contacting you altogether you
just ignore her when she does.
Truth be told I have often wondered why it’s called a no contact rule
when the truth is that it’s really a freeze out period where you ignore
your ex on purpose for a certain amount of time.
So, how does the no contact and getting an ex girlfriend to unblock you correlate?
Well, I teach most men to do the no contact rule first and foremost
when they are trying to get an ex girlfriend back so that doesn’t
exclude a man who is in a full out block from an ex.
Look, since I have already shown that a lot of women will end up
unblocking you without you having to do too much it is in your best
interest to perform the no contact rule.
Lets move on to the second thing you can do to improve your chances of making an ex girlfriend unblock you.
Thing #2: The Good/Bad News Best Friend Factor
(You will understand the picture in a bit.)
This is going to be a little tricky to explain…
How am I going to do this.
Ok, lets imagine that you are an aspiring actor.
You have been trying to break into the business for years and haven’t
had much success. In fact, your desire to become an actor is actually
one of the reasons your ex broke up with you.
“You won’t ever be a world famous actor. You should just get a real
job so we can get married and have a stable life” she always told you.
But you wouldn’t give in.
You were always kind of stubborn that way.
Well, one day you get a call and guess whose on the line?
Brad (FREAKING) Pitt,
Pitt tells you that he wants you to star in his latest movie.
He saw an audition that you did and thought you were the perfect candidate to star alongside him.
You accept of course.
Here’s where things get interesting though.
You decide that you are going to contact your ex and tell her the
good news but upon doing so you realize that you are in a full out
block.
Your ex has you blocked everywhere.
Now, this saddens you very deeply since she is the one person you
know would love to hear this incredible news. So, instead of contacting
her you decide to contact her best friend since she is the only line of
communication you have to her.
You text the friend,
It’s a juicy bit of gossip.
So, her best friend is forced to share it and what do you think happens next?
Your ex unblocks you of course.
Now, this is a very powerful tactic if used properly so we are going to dive in a bit deeper here.
Understanding The Good/Bad News Factor
The idea behind the good news/bad news factor is that your ex
girlfriend is sitting around her house one day and suddenly gets a call
from her best (and most trusted friend.)
She picks up the phone and the two of them start talking to each other.
It’s at that point that the friend mentions some shocking news about YOU (the ex.)
The idea here is that the news is so shocking that your ex girlfriend has no choice but to unblock you and ask you about it.
Take a look at the example text message above.
Notice how I created two text messages to send.
This was by design.
The first message,
Is all about delivering the shocking news.
Now, I do want to mention that the news can be either good or bad just as long as it’s shocking.
Though I will say that I always prefer good news as opposed to bad news.
Hence the Brad Pitt example above.
So, lets take that Brad Pitt example and dissect it a little more.
Remember, this text message is going to her best friend and it has to be so juicy that the friend is forced to share it.
Now, I don’t know about you but suddenly hearing about someone you know getting a part alongside Brad Pitt is worth sharing.
Obviously (unless you are some sort of super actor) you aren’t going
to be able to make the Brad Pitt claim so lets brainstorm a few ideas
that you can realistically share that are shocking.
Good News Ideas:
Suddenly losing a ton of weight by sending a picture of how much weight you lost
Getting an incredible job
Achieving an incredible physical feat (running a marathon, etc)
A mutual icon doing well (a sports icon or something of that nature)
Discussing a shocking moment in a TV show that just happened
Bad News Ideas:
Losing a job
Losing a family member
Losing something personal to the both of you
Any other type of shocking bad news you can think of
Again, I am not a huge fan of delivering bad news.
I think good news is so much better.
So, the intent of the first text message you send to her friend is
that it has to be such juicy gossip that she will want to do nothing
more than to share it with her friend (your ex.)
Now, lets take a look at the second text message you are supposed to send.
Again, I am going to go back to the Brad Pitt example,
Where the first text message you send was all about delivering
shocking news this text message is all about ensuring that, that news is
shared.
Notice how I made it sound like you wanted to get in touch with your ex but weren’t able to.
This suggests to the friend that she should share the news without you actually saying,
“Hey, share this good news with my ex so she will unblock me and eventually call me.”
Also, don’t be afraid to get into a conversation with the friend (who
you are basically using to get in touch with your ex) after you send
the second text message.
Why?
Because the more you talk to the friend the more likely she is to run
back to your ex and talk about you and the more she talks about you the
more likely it is that she shares the shocking thing you want her to
share and the chances of your ex unblocking you to find out more about
this shocking thing go up!
See, there is a method to this madness.
Lets move on to the next thing that you can do to get her to unblock you,
Thing #3: The Good/Bad News YOUR Friend Factor
I am getting desperate here.
The truth is that if you are in a full out block you are in a really
bad position. Especially if you want nothing more than to just reconnect
with your ex.
I want you to go back to “Thing #2” and re-read that section.
I am going to be honest with you.
Thing #2 is probably my best piece of advice when it comes to getting your ex to break her full out block on you.
Of course, there is a wildcard in play with thing #2.
What’s the wildcard?
The best friend.
Essentially you are relying on another human being who is not on your side to deliver shocking news to your ex in the right way.
The problem here is the fact that women band together during breakups.
How often have you heard two women talking about a breakup and one of them saying something like,
“You can do so much better than him.”
Look, no matter which way you slice it your exes friend is going to
be on her side and not yours and sometimes the friend isn’t the more
reliable person to… well, rely on.
But you know who is?
YOUR FRIEND!
Using Your Friend As The Deliverer…
So, here is my idea.
Imagine that instead of sending a shocking message to your exes
friend you took one of your own best friends aside and let him or her
deliver the shocking message to your girlfriend.
(Side Note: The friend that you choose has to be one that your ex
girlfriend is familiar with. I mean, how weird would it be if some
stranger just texted her out of the blue?)
Now, there is a risk with using your friend.
What’s the risk?
Getting an ex back is a lot like playing poker.
If you show your hand to your opponent in poker then you are going to lose.
The same principle applies here.
If your ex catches on to what you are doing by sending a friend to
get her to unblock you the chances that she will unblock you are slim to
none.
So, that’s the risk with sending a trusted friend.
But whatever way you slice it there is going to be risk with this method.
Why?
Because if you use “thing #2” by sending the shocking information to
one of her friends they may not deliver the shocking message the way you
want it to be delivered.
Remember, it’s super important that this news is delivered correctly.
This obviously isn’t a problem if you control the way that the
message is delivered to your ex which you will be able to do if you send
a trusted friend.
Now, if you ask my opinion on what I would do if I was in your position I would use my friend as opposed to one of her friends.
Why?
While there is certainly risk with using one of my own brethren I
would rather have control of how the information is delivered because in
the end the shocking message is the more important part as opposed to
who delivers it.
But this is completely your choice and not mine.
Do what you feel is right.
