Akosua Dardaine Edwards's Blog, page 171

Hell Naw, not today

something happens when you slowly enjoy becoming the woman of your dreams. you begin to see how powerful you truly are Ijeoma
Today I am pretty excited, well apart from my upcoming travels, which always increases my excitement levels, I am just excited about the person that I am becoming, I am excited about my lessons and discoveries and victories. It hit me bam in the face todayYou (well I really mean me) I  keep analyzing, thinking, beating up on myself - hell, girlfriend lighten up, you ain't doing too bad, really you aren't ,so ease up, back up, get excited and celebrate!
Be proud of the strides you have made, it doesn't have to be this whole dramatic production of what is "supposed" to happen and what you aren't doing or should be doingJust stop shoulding on yourself for one minute get excited and celebrate
Just suspend all judgement about yourself and others today
Just suspend the self criticism
Just suspend the analytics as to why this or that person is reacting and responding to you in a way that is different to the way you want them to
Just suspend the pretending to be okay 

How many of us fall into the trap of not celebrating and getting excited about life? We just strive and strive and work and work and analyse and analyse and yada yada yadaHell naw, time to celebrate!
Today is a celebration of you and your becoming
becoming the woman of my dreamsI bloody well deserve itPeace

Boundaries is a demonstration of self-respect

"It is your duty to take responsibility for how you expect and allow others to treat you" Iyanla (the absolute boss teacher)

One of my most challenging lessons is setting and maintaining boundaries.

For this purpose a boundary is defined as " a mental construct, expectation, request, or system that you put in place within yourself to define, prescribe or exclude behavior, people, experiences and internal or external intrusions"

Boundaries is a demonstration of self respect and respect for others
One cannot be allowed to run amuk in other people's lives with bad behavior,
When you know what is expected of you, you have the power to choose whether or not you want to participate or be in relationship with people.
When people care about you, they will respect what you request and expect. If they cannot, they will offer a compromise.

My challenges with boundaries stem from a combination of wanting to avoid confrontation and conflict, from wanting to keep the peace and wanting people to like me
I never trusted myself to handle a disagreement without either losing my temper (like boxing someone in the face with a wicked right hand) or losing the relationship. to me, disagreement was about losing. And so with that my boundaries were lines drawn in the sand and moved willy nilly to avoid losing.
This never ends well!
Why? My self respect and self love was shot to pieces because I was forever upset with myself for not following through with my boundaries, we show people how to treat us. what resulted was people were allowed to behave badly in my life.
So, what I learnt is that I need to be able to tell other people when they are being or behaving in whats that are unacceptable and frightening to me, and know that I will not lose
Somewhere there is a decision that honors you, that honors others. Find that decision.Be committed to finding it.

Peace

I shall not run or hide

In the midst of your most troubling time, difficult challenge, frightening experience, know that you can feel bad and recover.
it is not the pain, fear, shame, guilt which will "kill" you; it is your attempt to run away that will
when we run from our challenges we kill off our power
we strangle our strength, we suffocate our character. we assassinate our character and ability to grow
be still and know........no matter what you will survive - Iyanla Vanzant

Have you ever made a decision and thought OMG did I just do that?? again???
The conversation I have with myself goes something like this:

1. Oh no not again!!!
2. Okay, what is the lesson here?
3. Shit, shit shit shit again? really?
4. Okay calm down, you are human
5. What is the lesson here?
6. I am a grown folk, I can do whatever I want
7. That's justifying nonsense I keep repeating to myself
8. Calm down
9. Okay, let's decide on a way forward and get committed
10. Let's do this

Now this conversation can stay stuck on number 5 for a very long time or it can run through to decision in a flash!

I must admit that lately I have been moving from number 3 faster, it is really a shitty place to be!
I now also look back and say hey you've made it though much more and much tougher this is a small thing, put your big girl panties on!

I have been having this conversation this week, I am on number 8, stay tuned...
Peace

Pieces of Me

Now I'm gonna make mistakes from time to time
But in the end believe that I'm gone fly
No matter if I'm wrong or if I'm right
(These are the pieces of me) Like every woman I know
I'm complicated fa sho'
But when I love I love til there's no love no more
(These are the pieces of me) Ledisi
When you begin to love yourself- really love yourself – not hide behind lovely hairdos, perfect makeup, manicures, pedicures, designer labels and shoesAll hidden things in you, that no longer serve you, will rise to the surface to be healedThis can be a vulnerable time period, and many of us will not want to go through this phase because we are looking for an instant gratification and a quick fixUnfortunately transformation takes time and inner persistenceSelf-HonestySelf-ObservationSelf-BeliefStay committed
Every obstacle you encounter has a gift and an opportunity for you to gain greater wisdom so you can learn more about yourself and expand yourself loveGet real about your fears and bring them to love to transcend them
Peace

What happens when we bury our story?

Shame hates it when we reach out and tell our story. It hates having words wrapped around it—it can’t survive being shared. Shame loves secrecy. The most dangerous thing to do after a shaming experience is hide or bury our story. When we bury our story, the shame metastasizes - Brene Brown



Somehow there was always something happening around my life that had to be sanitised. Ever since I’ve known myself, I believed that I must only show my good side to “outsiders “ as I would be considered less than worthy and in return that is what I demanded of the “outsiders”.  
I would hear the adults at the house on the Terrace where I grew up talking and the conversation seemed most of the time to be about who was making mistakes and being foolish, who was not being a good mother and wife and that shaped my view on what it meant to be excellent and suitable.
I made up my mind .I would be perfect. That meant doing well in school, speaking well, behaving like a proper lady in public. This went on to me making up my mind to getting married, having a good marriage, a good job and doing everything well. There would not be a family conference on me for sure!
Self imposed perfection, can be demanding especially when it’s so many times, untrue. I found myself working harder to keep up an image rather than working hard on what really mattered like being true, honest and saying how I really felt. Not letting people know where I am or how I felt. If anyone asks, how are you? I’m fine! I wasn’t fine! But I programmed myself to say and act “fine”

I was the poster child for having it all together, for being “fine “. I did well at school, boys were not even on my radar, I didn’t go to parties. I was content to be at home reading or watching football. If I asked to go out, it was rare and if I was told no I would be upset for days and walk around the house in a funk, talking to no one even when spoken to. It drove my folks crazy.
Excerpt from "What Did I Learn Today? - Lessons on the Journey to Unconditional Self Love" 

Trust Yourself

It is impossible for people who are untrustworthy to become trustworthy simply because you want them to be that way Trust is a matter of character - Iyanla Vanzant

The first and most important thing in trust is trusting yourself, how does that happen
Simply by doing what you tell yourself you will do and being radically honest - all the time!

The self trust starts being chipped away with the small things - I won't eat the entire bag of cookies - and what do you do? You eat the entire bag of cookies- the guilt sets in and the associated self talk which can go from a vicious tirade or can go to justifying any stoopid move that you decide to take in contradiction to what you previously agreed with yourself
The trust chips away
Telling yourself lies - to justify bad behaviour - yours and others 
Telling yourself lies - to avoid confrontation and hurt

The bottom line is trusting anything and anyone begins with trusting yourself!
Peace

Prioritize yourself

Prioritize yourself. Take time for yourself. You got to work on liking yourself. Michelle Obama


Yesterday Michelle Obama hosted a Woman's Workshop on economic empowerment in Washington DC bringing together a host of phenomenal women from all walks of life doing their thing, paving paths, being authentic and making the world a better place than they met it
I tuned in via live-stream to the event and was so inspired and excited by all that is happening throughout the world with my sisters

Three things that rang throughout the day yesterday and resonated with me were
1. Being authentic- in every aspect of your life
2. Making yourself a priority
3. Know your worth


Michelle Obama said one thing she knew coming into the White House was that she knew who she was and wasn't even going to change that for nothing and no one, she was bringing Michelle to the party

The other women who took part, all from different walks of life, insisted that living their best lives included, and is an absolute must, making time to rest, eat well, exercise and switch off from the "noise"
the whole concept of busyness is well bullshit really! - side note (anyone who tells me they are too busy well hey, I bless you and love you from a far)
Too busy for yourself? Hmm check yourself before you wreck yourself


My "know your worth" vibes is raising, this is the one out of the three above that I struggle with the most. This I deduce is from years of having the " people pleasing" you know like the flu? I had the "people pleasing" all brought about by fear of not being liked and fear of not getting what I am supposed to get and avoiding confrontation.

Letting go of fear, self belief and being authentic are the tablets needed for the cure
I've been stocking up the remedy.
Peace

What is your definition of success

"We’re all getting old. Not old-old, but older, and at some point we need to be honest with ourselves and do what excites us instead of what looks good on paper.”   Terry McMillan

Yesterday while being interviewed for a video I was being asked a number of questions about what my definition of success and having enough isI must admit my definition has changed dramatically over the past 2 years and still changing up to this momentWhat defines success? What do you want your life to look like this same time next year and what would prevent it from happening?
Send me your thoughts let's exchange lessons on the journeyPeace

Process

We can't instantly LEAP from pain to happiness. We can get from pain to happiness really quickly, but there are steps, a healing sequence.Respect yourself by looking at your pain.Feel what it feels like.Look forward to change. And the healing has begun .  Danielle La Porte Don't rush the river, you cannot push the water. The simple lessons, the ones I have to think about. I get these nuggets of wisdom from many of the women that I met on the journey.I pulled out this nugget this weekendI want what I want and I want it now, that is the society we live in as well. I can have fast food, I can have fast weight loss (not really but they sell it like that) I can have speed dating, instant coffee and quick pain relief and so why go through the process and take the long way when I can get it quick and fast, never mind the side effectsThe most important requirements of the process, any process are willingness, discipline, honesty, patience and action- massive actionThe icing on the cake is the alignment of thought, word and deed, they must all line up.

Going through the process involves some discomfort and this is where we get in a bit of a frenzy and I fully understand, who likes discomfort? Certainly now I!! it's part of the process it just is!
Once the discomfort passes the way is cleared for moving forward for a sustainable way forward
Peace

The Truth needs no defence

Many of us reject the truth – we go into denial or get defensive because you think that once I know this I would have to do something about it NOW, you don't - Iyanla (the boss of bosses)

Madame Akosua from the moment you start being defensive and justifying your position you have fallen into wanting to control, to prove and have your way, this is not an indication that you know who you are - One of my favourite lessons, I remember an elder telling me this and I cannot recall the context just this message. And since then I also recognize it in myself and other peopleNewsflash - I don't know everything, I control only my response and reactions, nothing else, and making plans are a waste of time without a vision. That's something I have learnt quite well
There is always a justification for someone's actions, when you start making excuses and justifying it check yourself.You may want to prove to yourself or to others the rationale for your choice based out of fear or lack of self honor, self love and self respectJustifying is different to explainingExplaining involves giving information particularly to those who are not aware of what you're doing or informing another party of your decision.Consequence is no coincidence according to Lauryn HillPeace