Colleen Brown's Blog, page 168

"And I am sorry that I didn’t turn outto be the girl that you wanted me to becomeso badly...."

“And I am sorry that I didn’t turn out

to be the girl that you wanted me to become

so badly. That I wasn’t able to give you

what everyone told you that you deserved.

I am sorry for how things ended between us,

but I will never apologize for the way

you treated me when you thought that I

was the one who made it all turn sour.

I will never apologize for the look in your eyes

after I told you that this was not

what I thought it was going to be.

You always knew how to blame the victim.

You were always so good at making yourself

seem like you were the one who always had your

back against the wall. But you never had

your fists in the air, fighting for this,

for everything that we built together.

You never were the one who was ready

to stitch it back together when it kept

falling apart. So I am sorry for not turning out

to be the girl that you always wanted,

always thought you deserved. But I am not

sorry, and I will never apologize for being

the one who had the strength to walk away.”

- "The blame game," - Colleen Brown

I am not surprised that this is how things between us turned out. That you were the onewho left even...

I am not surprised that this is how things 
between us turned out. That you were the one
who left even before fulfilling all of the
promises you made to me when you were
full of hope for what our future seemed like,
and how it could be. I should have always 
been expecting this. I shouldn’t have been 
shocked by your sudden absence, or your lack 
of consideration to even give me a proper goodbye.
And I deserved a sincere explanation on
how exactly you were able to leave without
a hint of remorse. So now I am left alone
with all of these memories on how it could
have been if you would have just stayed,
and how your love for me was not strong enough
to fight against those trying times
that you always said that we could get through
if we never surrendered to what it was
that was trying so hard to pull us apart.

How come being in love feels like time has frozen - standing still?

I think it’s because when you are with someone you are in love with, you convince yourself that time does not exist. Or that you never want time to run out. So you imagine that time is frozen so you never have to be parted from that person, or you never have to let the hours of the day effect your time together or the changing of things. I think the film Big Fish made a perfect visual explanation when he said that when you see someone for the first time and you know that they are the person you want to be with forever, so love at first sight, time stops. I think it’s just because it’s almost too good to be true that things in life that you cannot control, feel as if they are in your control in that small but significant moment.

Do you have any tattoos? Want any?

I do not have any tattoos, but I do want some. At the most, I want three. But if I could only get one, I would get / am getting, the last words of George Harrison before he was taken from lung cancer (my grandfather was also taken from lung cancer, also supported this quote because not only did George Harrison say it but Jesus Christ did as well) “Love one another” on the upper part of my arm between the shoulder and forearm. So basically where my small and very weak muscle is.

made this little thing today and am thinking about selling it

made this little thing today and am thinking about selling it

I have to confess.

I have to confess.

And when they tell you that you are too weak, too broken to ever be happy, show them the scars on...

And when they tell you
that you are too weak,
too broken to ever be
happy, show them
the scars on your body.
Tell them that you
already know, but you
are not going to be
swallowed whole by the
darkness of their words.

Loving you has beenthe only thing that I have ever donethat makes sense.

Loving you has been
the only thing 
that I have ever done
that makes sense.

The places on my body in which you touched are not tainted, and they do not and will not...

The places on my body
in which you touched 
are not  tainted, 
and they do not
and will not
ever belong
to you.

I’ve always knownthat loving you is wrong, but I’ve always been known as the one who can...

I’ve always known
that loving you is wrong, 
but I’ve always been
known as the one
who can never seem
to do anything right.