Zari L. Ballard's Blog: The Narcissistic Personality, page 15

Silent Treatment Appreciation – Part I (of 3-Part Series)

Get the Book That Explains it All: Only $3.99  – Click Here

NEW: Personal Consults & Sessions Now Available – Click Here

The narcissist, sociopath, or psychopath creates so much turmoil and chaos in our day to day lives that we become codependent upon the dim….the drone of the white narcissistic noise. Never are we more aware of this dependency than when all that noise is deliberately snuffed out by a silent treatment subjected upon us by a lover or partner.  As someone who suffered silent treatment upon silent treatment – almost from day one – by a narcissist boyfriend, I can tell you first hand and from years of experience, each silent event is more traumatic than the one before and the silence is always deafening.

In this three-part series on the Silent Treatment, my intention is to dig deeper into the heart of the matter….. really getting to the truth about what hurts us the most about the silent treatment (or cold shoulder) and why. More importantly, we’re going to talk about what we can do about it because, after all, there is something we can do…and it’s called silent treatment appreciation. That’s right – call me nuts or whatever – but we’ve got to give up the pity party and start taking advantage of the fucking silence. God knows it doesn’t take long before the narcissist hoovers his way back in to bombard us once again with the noise and – poof – we’ve wasted, yet again, another free chunk of unsolicited healing time handed down to us from a compassionate Universe.

No thank you, Universe, I’ll have to pass again. With all of the gut-wrenching, anxiety-creating, ear-splitting, mind-fucking noise pollution my narcissist gives me right before he completely ignores me, I just don’t have time to be happy. Thanks anyway though!

After studying, almost daily, the most popular current search terms related to narcissism, I’ve come to the conclusion that now, more than ever before (that I remember), narcissists are using the silent treatment as the main way to control, manipulate, and destroy the sanity of the people who care about them. Sadly, it appears that this particular passive-aggressive form of narcissistic punishment is fairly epidemic and I think we need to do something about that! I think it’s time to turn the tables on the silence that hurts us and psyche ourselves up for a little silence appreciation!

Next week, in Part II of this article, I’ll talk more about exactly why we need to learn to use a silent treatment to our best advantage. First, though, we need to figure out where the pain comes from and why it cripples us. Don’t forget that every bit of noise created by a narcissist, sociopath, or psychopath is meant to distract and confuse and nothing more. Narcissists are like Puppeteers that use a slight of hand or smoke and mirrors to divert your attention to one thing while they betray and deceive you with the other. Again, it’s all in the strategy guide for the pathological relationship agenda and the narcissist follows it to a tee. He makes your world so noisy, so focused on jumping through hoops to be available for him that it deliberately becomes nearly impossible to catch every suspicious behavior as it happens. The narcissist, on the other hand, pays very careful attention to what might or might not be aware of and acts accordingly. The closer you get to a secret, the harder he works to ramp up the chaos.

I always knew when a silent treatment was coming because the daily turmoil – which he created over nothing – had begun to escalate at an excruciating pace. I simply knew what was next up his sleeve. He would deny and deny but history had shown me over and over what was to come and it never failed. It was impossible for him to break his deviant pattern. He was stuck in a groove – and he was perfectly happy there.

The silent treatment hurts because it the passive-aggressive nature of the “punishment” itself is abusive. Literally, it feels as if you are being erased and that everything and anything you ever thought existed in the relationship is being discarded (and it is!). Yes, it is heartbreaking.

In Part II, we’ll talk about 1) what it feels like when you are in it…when days, weeks have gone by without a word, and 2) what happens and what will happen when he returns…..In Part III, we’ll learn to appreciate the silence – I promise!

Subscribe to TheNarcissisticPersonality Update Feed

Silent Treatment Appreciation – Part I (of a 3-part series)

Get the Book That Explains it All: Only $3.99  – Click Here

NEW: Personal Consults & Sessions Now Available – Click Here

The narcissist, sociopath, or psychopath creates so much turmoil and chaos in our day to day lives that we become codependent upon the dim….the drone of the white narcissistic noise. Never are we more aware of this dependency than when all that noise is deliberately snuffed out by a silent treatment subjected upon us by a lover or partner.  As someone who suffered silent treatment upon silent treatment – almost from day one – by a narcissist boyfriend, I can tell you first hand and from years of experience, each silent event is more traumatic than the one before and the silence is always deafening.

In this two-part series on the Silent Treatment, my intention is to dig deeper into the heart of the matter….. really getting to the truth about what hurts us the most about the silent treatment (or cold shoulder) and why. More importantly, we’re going to talk about what we can do about it because, after all, there is something we can do…and it’s called silent treatment appreciation. That’s right – call me nuts or whatever – but we’ve got to give up the pity party and start taking advantage of the fucking silence. God knows it doesn’t take long before the narcissist is back in the saddle to bombard us once again with the noise and – poof – we’ve wasted, yet again, another free chunk of unsolicited healing time handed down to us from a compassionate Universe.

No thank you, Universe, I’ll have to pass again. With all of the gut-wrenching, anxiety-creating, ear-splitting, mind-fucking noise pollution my narcissist gives me right before he completely ignores me, I just don’t have time to be happy. Thanks anyway though!

After studying, almost daily, the most popular current search terms related to narcissism, I’ve come to the conclusion that now, more than ever before (that I remember), narcissists are using the silent treatment as the main way to control, manipulate, and destroy the sanity of the people who care about them. Sadly, it appears that this particular passive-aggressive form of narcissistic punishment is fairly epidemic and I think we need to do something about that! I think it’s time to turn the tables on the silence that hurts us and psyche ourselves up for a little silence appreciation!

Next week, in Part II of this article, I’ll talk more about exactly how we can learn to use a silent treatment to our best advantage. For now, though, let’s figure out where the pain comes from and why it cripples us. Don’t forget that every bit of noise created by a narcissist, sociopath, or psychopath is meant to distract and confuse and nothing more. Narcissists are like Puppeteers that use a slight of hand or smoke and mirrors to divert your attention to one thing while they betray and deceive you with the other. Again, it’s all in the strategy guide for the pathological relationship agenda and the narcissist follows it to a tee. He makes your world so noisy, so focused on jumping through hoops to be available for him that it deliberately becomes nearly impossible to catch every suspicious behavior as it happens. The narcissist, on the other hand, pays very careful attention to what might or might not be aware of and acts accordingly. The closer you get to a secret, the harder he works to ramp up the chaos.

I always knew when a silent treatment was coming because the daily turmoil – which he created over nothing – had begun to escalate at an excruciating pace. I simply knew what was next up his sleeve. He would deny and deny but history had shown me over and over what was to come and it never failed. It was impossible for him to break his deviant pattern. He was stuck in a groove – and he was perfectly happy there.

The silent treatment hurts because it the passive-aggressive nature of the “punishment” itself is abusive. Literally, it feels as if you are being erased and that everything and anything you ever thought existed in the relationship is being discarded (and it is!). Yes, it is heartbreaking.

In Part II, we’ll talk about 1) what it feels like when you are in it…when days, weeks have gone by without a word, and 2) what happens and what will happen when he returns…..In Part III, we’ll learn to appreciate the silence – I promise!

A Narcissist Always Returns (the Hoovering)

A narcissist will always return to a former lover to make sure that, you, his narcissistic supply, is still pining for him. This return – or hoovering – will happen whenever the narcissist chooses and typically not until he’s been gone just slightly longer than the time before. This way, the narcissist conditions his victim to not only expect him to come back but also to expect him at a time farther and farther out, thus giving him more play time in the interim. Again, this is all part of how he manages down your expectations.

“When Love Is a Lie” will give you a fresh perspective on your

situation and new reasons for leaving…

 The hoover usually follows a silent treatment (which is really a break-up in disguise) and after the victim has been completely devastated by the silence. The narcissist may hoover in several different ways and for various reasons, with each hoovering event staged according to that pathological relationship agenda he lives by.

The narcissist may 1) come back full-on by just showing up, picking up right where he left off  and thus laying the groundwork for the next discard which will be more crippling to the victim than all the ones before, or 2) not quite finished with his newest victim but still wanting to get things ready, he’ll hoover with a text here and there or an email or he’ll ring your phone (hanging up before you answer) from either his number or one he knows you’ll recognize. Now, if you call the number back, he still may not pick up because this type of hoover, you see, is more of a warning or warm-up to get you anxious, confused, and maybe even quietly excited about his possible return.

Download a Copy Today from Amazon ($3.99)

Download a PDF Version Right Now & Read!

My ex-narcissist had a passion for changing phone numbers as often as he changed socks (which was a lot). I knew deep down, of course, that the real reason for each number change was not the lie he inevitably told me. I determined that, because he’d change his number either right after creating some staged chaos and right before he vanished (discard) or right before he came back, the number changes were based on how the situation fared with the woman/person on the other end or with me depending on which direction he was running.

Anywhere from six weeks to three months down the road and after complete silence, the narcissist would start hoovering. If he planned for a full-on comeback, he’d just come out and text me to meet for a drink (and, sadly, those were the only times he’d ever take me out for a drink). Now, if he was in no rush (perhaps still tying up loose ends on the other side and not wanting me to have his new number), he’d call (and hang up) from odd phone numbers around town (businesses, payphones, etc.) that no one but me would recognize on the Caller ID . He was counting on me – in his sick narcissistic way – to recall those numbers as the random numbers he used to call me from when we were together and he had no phone at all! And he was right, I always recognized them and get an instant knot in my stomach.

The narcissist returns so that he can make sure that you never move on from the pain that he caused you. He wants to always keep you in the queue. It’s a very sick game that will steal years and years from your life. This is the very reason that no contact must be enforced in order to maintain your recovery and break the codependency to hope that he counts on you to cling to while he is gone. Remember, the narcissist is never worried what you’re doing while he’s gone because he’s conditioned you to act a certain way. He’s counting on it based on how he’s seen you react either to his leaving or to his returning.

It’s time to ignore the signs of hoovering. Even if you notice subtle signs of the narcissist’s return, ignore them and go on with your life. No one has a right to come and go in your life and manipulate your emotions. In addition, we know for a fact that the narcissist’s plan is always to make the next discard even more painful than the one before. Say “no more” and mean it!

Discover the insightful deal-breakers – the undeniable truths – that can and will shift your perspective and put you on the path to being

narcissist-free….

 Download “When Love Is a Lie” Today from Amazon ($3.99)

Breaking Our Codependency to Hope

Why do we develop such a twisted codependency to the narcissistic nonsense? Well, I believe that it starts with the passive-aggressive conditioning put upon us by the narcissist/psychopath – conditioning that is fully intended to make us feel desperate and insecure within the relationship. Since desperation and insecurity are two of the biggest catalysts for codependency, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to make the connection. We, ourselves, become part of the chaos and turmoil and, during the invoking of a silent treatment, we become part of the deafening silence. In essence, we turn our hope for a happy ending into a codependency that never ends happily.

Codependency to the narcissistic game of cat and mouse builds gradually – just as the narcissist intends. The more gradual the build, the less likely we are to even notice our demise until we are smack dab in the middle of the shit! At that point, we are almost powerless to pull out because there’s always more to do, to find out, to investigate, and  more bullshit to put up with. We hope and pray that this time it will be different…that we can love the narcissist out of his bad behavior. But we never can and we never will.

The victim of narcissistic abuse spends a good deal of her waking life in a relationship with a person who neglects her and will, in a moment’s notice, abandon her. She is forever trying to figure out “the secrets” – of which there are many (although he will state otherwise) – and this can take hour after consuming hour as the desperation mounts. Keeping the codependency alive and strong in his victim/partner is very much a requirement of the narcissist’s pathological agenda. The victim, in much the same way, actually becomes addicted to the agenda as well but receives far less pleasure than the narcissist or psychopath who literally thrives off of his partner’s suffering.

Codependency in relationships is hard enough without the other partner having a personality disorder that can never be fixed. When narcissism becomes part of the equation, life takes a much sharper and far  more deadlier turn than ever before. Codependents will usually accept themselves as being damaged in order to “fix” another person. Codependents are typically neglectful of their own personal boundaries, allowing the manipulative partner to breach them over and over in the cruelest of ways. Narcissists are famous for their fondness of crossing the most private, off-limits, button-pushing, pain-inducing boundaries possible on the persons who love them.

In fact, personal boundaries – when protected – are pretty much the only protection against narcissism for anyone.

Breaking this type of codependency is difficult because we associate the desperation that we feel with our love for the perpetrator. This causes mental confusion and a anxious willingness to hang in there…. to try it one more time because maybe he’ll change. Then, before we know it, years have passed and everything is exactly the same as its always been.

Like any addiction to a bad thing, our codependency to the narcissistic behaviors and tactics of our partner must be dealt with seriously and in an effective manner that will give us lasting results.

For our own sanity, we must certainly be accountable.

Download the Book That Explains it All: Only $3.99  Limited Time!

The Silent Treatment – Any Time is a Good Time

From  the first silent treatment, the narcissist gets the amazing results he had hoped for – the immense suffering of his partner at his own still voice. To the narcissist, this result is out-of-this-world amazing. The N gets to maintain total control by saying and doing absolutely nothing. This emotional abandonment is the perfect way for the narcissist to manage down our expectations of what we’ll accept to eventually take him back. And what a perfect narcissistic tactic is is! Think about it – the N doesn’t have to do a thing…I mean, literally, he does and says nothing and he has us running around in circles trying to make it all better.

Now, the effects on us, his or her partner, is, as we know, devastating. When my ex-narcissist pulled a silent treatment the first time, I was dumbfounded. It lasted six weeks and I was simply beside myself. I banged on the door, left letters and notes, voicemails – you name it – but he wouldn’t give. It was horrible. I had never experienced anything like it ever from anybody and I had never even thought about doing it to someone myself. The anxiety and the absolute sadness that I felt at the discard was incredible and not one that anyone at any time should ever have to experience – especially after doing nothing wrong which is par for the course when one partner is a narcissist.

Yes, to a narcissist, anytime is a good time for a silent treatment. As the narcissist’s partner, this fact becomes all too clear so we are always anxious waiting for the axe to fall. This, too, is part of the pathological relationship agenda of the narcissist, sociopath, and psychopath. The silence could come at any time. in my case, from that first one forward, whenever the N did decide he needed to go silent to assert control, the silence would last exactly six weeks or just slightly longer. Then, he would come hoovering back as if nothing happened. And, of course, his appearance was such a relief to me that I basically let it go. Thirteen years later, however, when it was becoming increasingly clear that, upon his return, I was less and less forgiving, he decided that the game just wasn’t fun any more and never returned. But it took thirteen years. Up until that point, he was just having the time of his life watching me suffer from behind his iron curtain.

As I work on this website, I study the analytics that tell me what search terms visitors use most often to find my information. Without fail, every day, the most searched term or phrases include the words “silent treatment” (hence, my reason for writing another post on the topic). My findings sadden me greatly because it tells me just how rampant narcissistic abuse is running right now. While it would be easy for me give the “well, why don’t you just leave” advice, I know how it is. In my book, When Love Is a Lie, I share a little process for changing that I really feel can help. It’s not a magic solution by any means but it will give you the push you need to look at your situation without the same overwhelming anxiety.

Download a Copy Today from Amazon ($4.99)
***Download the PDF Version Now ($4.99) ** (Special)

The bottom line is that the silent treatment sends an awful message to the recipient. It sends a message that we are pieces of garbage…that we aren’t worth the narcissist’s time of day no matter how much we love him or her. The Narcissist Puppeteer, with his silence, is creating your reality. You have to, at some point, ask yourself why anyone who would do that to you…who would enjoy knowing the very fact that you are suffering…is ever worth your time of day in this lifetime.

 

The Narcissist’s (Pathological) Relationship Agenda

In editing now – will be up evening of 07/13

Sex, Lies and The Narcissistic Personality

By Zari Ballard

Recognizing, for the first time, that your long-time lover has a narcissistic personality can be a devastating discovery. For many, the shock never goes away, lingering long after the narcissist has done the usual Devalue & Discard and disappeared to find other sources of supply. Often it takes years to pass before the “good” partner finally even begins to dig into the research needed to validate and put a label on the questionable behaviors of the other partner. With so much time invested in a relationship, it’s difficult to accept that the love you thought you shared with someone was, indeed, a farce but the truth is that, with a narcissistic partner, a farce is all it can be.

Someone with a narcissistic personality is very adept at getting exactly what they want out of a relationship – even if they have to bleed the other person dry. Sex, lies, and passive-aggressive manipulation are the three more powerful strategies in the narcissist’s arsenal of emotional weapons and he will use each one to prove just how expert a marksman he truly is. Having a narcissistic personality disorder means constantly having to search and seek out new and better means of supply to fulfill his/her relationship agenda. Since a narcissist is unable to feel remorse, guilt, or any form of empathy, the fact that the main source of supply (i.e. the loving partner) must often be destroyed and resurrected over and over again matters not. The more the “good” partner suffers, the more alive the disordered partner feels – and around and around it goes.

The main point to remember about a partner with this disorder is that they can not ever be fixed – and nor do they care to be. Narcissists like it just the way they are. They will walk away from families and loved ones when least expected and act as if these loyal individuals never existed. Often, a narcissist will disappear for weeks and even months or longer, only to reappear as if nothing happened. In essence, they manage down the expectations of the victim to the point that the narcissist can pretty much come and go as they please without repercussions. It’s nothing short of severe emotional manipulation and abuse by no other terms.

Narcissism, unfortunately, has become an epidemic in today’s social networking lifestyles. These predators enjoy the hunt of online dating where they can wear the mask quite a bit longer and catch the very vulnerable. Learning to recognize the signs and behaviors of the narcissistic personality can prevent the abuse from ever starting or give you the confidence to finally and permanently exit the game.

Do you suspect that your partner is a narcissist? If so, Zari Ballard’s new book “When Love is a Lie” will either confirm your fears, give you the courage to exit the game, or both!

Grab a copy of “When Love is a Lie” from Amazon for only $4.99: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00D17093M/ OR Visit Zari’s website http://www.thenarcissisticpersonality.com to download the book in PDF, read free chapters, enjoy informational articles, and participate in a brand-new forum.

Recognize the signs of narcissistic abuse and get on the road to recovery!

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Zari_Ballard

http://EzineArticles.com/?Sex,-Lies-and-The-Narcissistic-Personality&id=7800534

Managing Down Our Relationship Expectations

The narcissist will, over time, manage down our expectations of the relationship so that we expect less and less and he gets away with more and more. This is one of the most powerful weapons in the narcissistic arsenal and it provides him the most rewards. The narcissist personality really shines when implementing this particular strategy because it shows just how much patience he really has when it comes to controlling you.

Managing down our expectations is a method upon which the narcissist has all the patience in the world. It starts with the very first fight or the very first Silent Treatment (whichever comes first) and lasts until the final Devalue & Discard. The entire process can take many weeks, months, and years and you won’t even know it’s happening.

The N manipulates your expectations by “training” you to react a certain way to certain situations. For example, the disappearing act. If your N is anything like my ex-N, he just disappears for days/weeks at a time, not answering his phone (or changing his number), refusing to answer the door (or not being home for days), and basically acting as if you don’t exist. It causes horrible anguish – so much anguish, in fact, that you will do anything to make it end including forgiving his disappearances instantly upon his return. You will be so relieved to have the separation anxiety disappear that you may not even really ask any questions. In other words, he gets away with it. The next time he disappears, he will stay away just slightly longer than the time before, thus extending the time he gets to cheat on you (because that is what he’s doing, by the way) with each vanishing act. Ultimately, he will have managed down your expectations of the relationship to the point that he can stay away for months on end, returning with little or no fanfare.

The narcissist uses this narcissistic ploy to his benefit for many situations including going on dates (he basically never takes you anywhere because you don’t expect him to) or being with you on the holidays (you just expect that he won’t) or paying his own way…

Everything the narcissist does or says during the course of your relationship is a means to an end and don’t you ever forget that.

Download “When Love Is a Lie” from Amazon ($4.99)

Download the PDF Version Right Now! ($5.99)

Subscribe to TheNarcissisticPersonality

The Narcissist Puppeteer – Creating YOUR Reality

The narcissist(N) is a Master Puppeteer and you’re the puppet. He basically creates your reality so that it suits his purpose. He trains you to do things his way and to feel the things he wants you to feel so that he can get away with whatever he wants.

The narcissist isn’t stupid enough to think that there won’t be repercussions from his puppet – particularly in the very beginning (a.k.a before you’ve been trained). For those times, he has punishments in place for that suit his purpose as well such as disappearing or giving the silent treatment and cold shoulder. As you’ll notice, all three of those punishments involve no accountability on his part because, for all intents and purposes, he simply stops speaking. The intention, of course, is that you – the puppet – will feel crushed and rejected and finally see the error of your ways. Ultimately, he’ll never have to explain anything.

You see, when the Narcissist Puppeteer has his puppet trained, he can break promises, cheat on you, lie to you, and get away with murder and there will be no consequences. This is a quality of narcissism that can never be changed. As sad as it is, we must always keep this in the back of our mind. Hopefully, it will be the fact you need to get out of the game.

Download “When Love Is a Lie” from Amazon ($4.99)

Download the PDF Version Right Now! ($5.99)

Subscribe to TheNarcissisticPersonality

Narcissistic Ploys & Tactics (It’s All Smoke & Mirrors)

 Everything a narcissist, sociopath, or psychopath says or does is a magic trick…a narcissistic ploy to distract you from the the reality and the truth of what he’s really up to..

There isn’t a moment in the day that a LIE isn’t coming out of the narcissist’s mouth. Many of us have heard the joke, “How can you tell a narcissist is lying?” BECAUSE HIS MOUTH IS OPEN! ….makes sense, doesn’t it?. It’s all smoke and mirrors, a sleight of hand, a devious magic trick used by the narcissist to distract you from what’s really going on and to manage down our expectations of the relationship. You may have heard this referred to as gaslighting – a narcissistic ploy that makes the victim feel like she’s losing her mind, that everything is in her imagination, that she’s wrong, wrong, wrong….

When a narcissist partner is being nice, it’s typically because he’s got a devastating discard planned for you in the very near future. When a narcissistic partner accuses you of something, it’s because that is exactly what he’s up to at that moment in his life. When he suddenly feigns sickness out-of-the-blue or in the middle of a heated conversation, it’s probably because you just said something or alluded to something that he’s guilty of (remember that the next time he feigns a sudden migraine…what was the last thing you said??).

When you’re involved with a someone with a narcissist personality, nothing – and I mean nothing – is as it seems and everything is intended to be a distraction from the real thing. When you get that nagging feeling that something is very wrong behind the scenes, don’t doubt yourself or let him make you think you’re delusional. When he starts creating narcissistic chaos and turmoil, look beneath the actions to see the actual truth that he’s hiding. You have to remember that 98% of the time, you’re first instincts will always be right.

Once you realize the smoke and mirrors antics for exactly what they are, you are well on your way to knowing exactly what the monster is up to during any given moment. Turn his narcissistic ploys into your advantage. Like children, narcissists will always give themselves away…they will “tell on” themselves by accusing you of what they’re really doing behind your back. The more you know what he’s up to, the more likely you’ll be able to give up the need for closure and go no contact without falling apart from the get-go

You must learn to read between the narcissistic lines.

Download “When Love Is a Lie” from Amazon ($4.99)

Download the PDF Version Right Now! ($5.99)

Subscribe to TheNarcissisticPersonality