A Narcissist Always Returns (the Hoovering)

A narcissist will always return to a former lover to make sure that, you, his narcissistic supply, is still pining for him. This return – or hoovering – will happen whenever the narcissist chooses and typically not until he’s been gone just slightly longer than the time before. This way, the narcissist conditions his victim to not only expect him to come back but also to expect him at a time farther and farther out, thus giving him more play time in the interim. Again, this is all part of how he manages down your expectations.

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 The hoover usually follows a silent treatment (which is really a break-up in disguise) and after the victim has been completely devastated by the silence. The narcissist may hoover in several different ways and for various reasons, with each hoovering event staged according to that pathological relationship agenda he lives by.

The narcissist may 1) come back full-on by just showing up, picking up right where he left off  and thus laying the groundwork for the next discard which will be more crippling to the victim than all the ones before, or 2) not quite finished with his newest victim but still wanting to get things ready, he’ll hoover with a text here and there or an email or he’ll ring your phone (hanging up before you answer) from either his number or one he knows you’ll recognize. Now, if you call the number back, he still may not pick up because this type of hoover, you see, is more of a warning or warm-up to get you anxious, confused, and maybe even quietly excited about his possible return.

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My ex-narcissist had a passion for changing phone numbers as often as he changed socks (which was a lot). I knew deep down, of course, that the real reason for each number change was not the lie he inevitably told me. I determined that, because he’d change his number either right after creating some staged chaos and right before he vanished (discard) or right before he came back, the number changes were based on how the situation fared with the woman/person on the other end or with me depending on which direction he was running.

Anywhere from six weeks to three months down the road and after complete silence, the narcissist would start hoovering. If he planned for a full-on comeback, he’d just come out and text me to meet for a drink (and, sadly, those were the only times he’d ever take me out for a drink). Now, if he was in no rush (perhaps still tying up loose ends on the other side and not wanting me to have his new number), he’d call (and hang up) from odd phone numbers around town (businesses, payphones, etc.) that no one but me would recognize on the Caller ID . He was counting on me – in his sick narcissistic way – to recall those numbers as the random numbers he used to call me from when we were together and he had no phone at all! And he was right, I always recognized them and get an instant knot in my stomach.

The narcissist returns so that he can make sure that you never move on from the pain that he caused you. He wants to always keep you in the queue. It’s a very sick game that will steal years and years from your life. This is the very reason that no contact must be enforced in order to maintain your recovery and break the codependency to hope that he counts on you to cling to while he is gone. Remember, the narcissist is never worried what you’re doing while he’s gone because he’s conditioned you to act a certain way. He’s counting on it based on how he’s seen you react either to his leaving or to his returning.

It’s time to ignore the signs of hoovering. Even if you notice subtle signs of the narcissist’s return, ignore them and go on with your life. No one has a right to come and go in your life and manipulate your emotions. In addition, we know for a fact that the narcissist’s plan is always to make the next discard even more painful than the one before. Say “no more” and mean it!

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