Managing Down Our Relationship Expectations

The narcissist will, over time, manage down our expectations of the relationship so that we expect less and less and he gets away with more and more. This is one of the most powerful weapons in the narcissistic arsenal and it provides him the most rewards. The narcissist personality really shines when implementing this particular strategy because it shows just how much patience he really has when it comes to controlling you.

Managing down our expectations is a method upon which the narcissist has all the patience in the world. It starts with the very first fight or the very first Silent Treatment (whichever comes first) and lasts until the final Devalue & Discard. The entire process can take many weeks, months, and years and you won’t even know it’s happening.

The N manipulates your expectations by “training” you to react a certain way to certain situations. For example, the disappearing act. If your N is anything like my ex-N, he just disappears for days/weeks at a time, not answering his phone (or changing his number), refusing to answer the door (or not being home for days), and basically acting as if you don’t exist. It causes horrible anguish – so much anguish, in fact, that you will do anything to make it end including forgiving his disappearances instantly upon his return. You will be so relieved to have the separation anxiety disappear that you may not even really ask any questions. In other words, he gets away with it. The next time he disappears, he will stay away just slightly longer than the time before, thus extending the time he gets to cheat on you (because that is what he’s doing, by the way) with each vanishing act. Ultimately, he will have managed down your expectations of the relationship to the point that he can stay away for months on end, returning with little or no fanfare.

The narcissist uses this narcissistic ploy to his benefit for many situations including going on dates (he basically never takes you anywhere because you don’t expect him to) or being with you on the holidays (you just expect that he won’t) or paying his own way…

Everything the narcissist does or says during the course of your relationship is a means to an end and don’t you ever forget that.

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