Zari L. Ballard's Blog: The Narcissistic Personality, page 14

Don’t Be a Narcissist’s Enabler

At that grandiose point that we realize that our partner is a narcissist/sociopath, we can also assume that we’ve been his/her enabler for a very long time. Our codependency to the narcissist and to the relationship drama itself has almost has as much to do with our allowing it as it does with the narcissist’s manipulation. And while this fact may not be an easy pill to swallow, accepting it and vowing to undo it becomes a giant step forward in our quest to mentally break free from this very toxic individual.

The truth of the matter is – and this applies to any situation where we get that uncomfortable feeling – whatever we allow is what will continue. If we allow the narcissist to disappear and reappear…to give us the deafening silent treatment…to press the proverbial relationship reset button whenever he feels like it…then he will continue to do so until the end of time. Keep in mind that, to a narcissist, this kind of bullshit never gets old. He loves it. It makes him feel gloriously alive and in control. If you allow it…hell, he’s in narcissistic heaven.

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And just in case you feel that I’m being judgmental about your game participation, I offer you the following two proof-of-enabling  examples from my own narcissistic hell:

One wee morning hour (around 4am), approximately two years and four silent treatments into the relationship, my ex and I were sitting in a studio (we were both musicians) playing guitar and having a grand old time. About eight hours earlier, he had finally called wanting to see after six weeks of absolute silence. During those six weeks, I had been inconsolable, having no idea why he’d disappeared again (this being before my “a-ha” moment, of course). I’d lost weight, been unable to sleep, and written letter after letter trying to get him to respond but to no avail. Needless to say, relieved that he finally called, I happily accepted.  So there we were, singing and laughing, and me feeling as happy as can be when he suddenly put down his guitar, looked at me in loving amazement and asked, “Wow. Why do you love me? I don’t even call you.” Great. My response, if I’m not mistaken, was to have sex with him right there on the studio floor. “Wow” is right. Even the narcissist was amazed at my enabling capabilities.

Then, there was the time about six years later that my ex, after cheating on me, admitting it, and then trying everything – including a hard smack to the head – to pull me out of my crying jag, finally realized he might have gone too far (ya think?).  Feigning remorse, he begged me to forgive him. I continued to sob, pleading “Why? Why? Why did you do it?” until the N, completely exasperated and unable to pretend a second longer, threw up his hands and replied, “I don’t know! I always figured I could do whatever I wanted and you’d still take me back!”  My reaction? I don’t really remember and maybe I don’t want to. This happened after the “a-ha” moment and about four years before we broke up. Do the math.

Oh…and just one more: I can’t count the times that I would ask “Why do you do it?” or “Why do you treat me this way?” and he’d reply, “Why do you let me?” My reply? “Because I’m an idiot”, I’d say. Hell, I was right about that one! Or sometimes I’d just look at him so sadly and say, “Because I keep hoping you’ll change”. Either way, what came to pass was inevitable and, even now, it gives me a knot in my stomach. I was a Narcissist’s Enabler. And the fact that you’re reading this probably means you’ve been a Narcissist’s Enabler as well. In fact, I can say with confidence that anyone who lets a narcissist back in even after just one silent treatment is a Narcissist’s Enabler. The narcissist uses the silent treatment to not only gauge our level of codependency and/or enabling capability but also to gauge his level of control at any given time.  This is why the silent treatment always seems to occur out the blue, catching us off-guard.  Something that we do or say causes a warning bell to go off in the narcissist’s twisted head indicating that we might not be as gung-ho for his program as he once thought.

Shit, what’s going on here? Better give her the silent treatment so I can get the levels on this.

What we allow, will continue. I did it for years and years. In the end, when I didn’t (and my levels kept coming back negative), he left for good after thirteen or so years and never returned. That was a little over a year ago and not a word since. Obviously, whoever was on the other receiving end of his narcissistic evil was – and still is – being compliant. To her, I say good luck with that.

Please don’t be a Narcissist’s Enabler.

 

Read more related articles... Silent Treatment Appreciation – Part I (of 3-Part Series) The Narcissistic Silent Treatment Sex, Lies and The Narcissistic Personality Silent Treatment Appreciation – Part 2 ( of 3-Part Series) Managing Down Our Relationship Expectations

Anybody Seen My Closure? (Part II)

When a narcissistic lover walks away from a relationship, the victim typically is left to feel that he or she didn’t get the closure needed to address the bitter ending. It took me many years of grieving on and off over this lack of closure to finally understand what it is and what it is I was really grieving over – because it wasn’t closure. When I stopped to think about the fact that, out of all the seemingly hundreds of times I was discarded by the narcissist, there wasn’t one single time that I ever felt closure? Not one? That just didn’t seem logical to me. How could that be? Not one time? I started to come to the conclusion that perhaps this elusive closure I’d been missing for over a decade didn’t exist after all. Perhaps wanting this closure thing was just my way of holding myself down, keeping myself chained to the memory…keeping myself available for the narcissist to return to when he was ready. It became clear that, either way, whether closure existed or it didn’t, it wasn’t a good thing!

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Okay, so in Part I of Anybody Seen My Closure?, we talked about two points – or truths – relative to closure when it comes to the ending of a relationship with a narcissistic partner:  Truth #1 – it doesn’t exist and Truth #2 – when we say we want closure, what we really want is revenge. In Part I, I talk about Truth #1 in more detail so feel free to re-read or catch up with that article. In this article, I want to focus a little on Truth #2….the revenge factor.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to see these narcissistic mofo’s suffer and don’t let anyone tell you differently. I truly believe that when the narcissistic discard first happens, we are so downtrodden…so distressed over our own cognitive dissonance….so brainwashed by narcissistic manipulation, that we are genuinely sadder than sad. Because the separation anxiety feels, at that point, like it will be so much worse than the anxiety of having the narcissist around, we really do want this person back. We wish and we wish that, if we can’t have this person, the least he or she could have done is leave us with some closure! At that very moment, the feeling of not having closure is the saddest thing in the whole world.

But, two or three days later, when we find out that the narcissist is with the OW,  what do we want then? Sure, we still call it closure but is that really what we want – especially considering the fact that most of us don’t even know what it is anyway? No, what we really want is revenge. Calling it closure makes the thought politically correct and makes us not feel like – God forbid – we’ve caught a bit of the narcissism bug ourselves.  The truth is that calling it “closure” does make us good people and, indeed, separates us from the 2 million degenerate narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths that walk the planet. The truth is that, when it comes right down to it….when all is said and done…most of us aren’t going to do anything to get revenge on the N. And that’s okay too. In fact, it’s the right thing….which leads me to Truth #3: there isn’t a single act of legal revenge that would make a damn bit of difference to the narcissist. And if we conducted an act of revenge that was illegal…well, it might make a difference to the narcissist but we’d be the one that gets in the most trouble.

My point is all of this jarble about closure and revenge is that closure doesn’t exist and what it really represents to us is the act of revenge and if we acted on that act, we’d be in deeper emotional shit than we’re already in. So give up on wanting closure and move on to whatever the next step would be in your narcissist recover plan.

It’s okay to feel sad over what’s happened because it is sadder than sad to realize that someone we loved and supported for however long never loved us to begin with. This person isn’t normal and will never be normal. Narcissists aren’t born normal. A narcissist is one of God’s defective products  and that’s all there is to it. So, of all the things we should feel and pine for when a narcissist partner perpetrates a silent treatment or gives us the big heave hoe to the curb or trades us in for a new victim who better serves his pathological relationship agenda, a lack of closure isn’t one of them. It really isn’t. In realizing this, we can save ourselves from having to get over one of the biggest hurdles that keeps us attached to the whole big mess.

You deserve so much better!

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The Narcissist’s Seasonal D & D

With the holiday season upon us, those in relationships with narcissistic partners will be doing some extra special suffering. Narcissists are legendary holiday-killers and, as the victim partner, you could end up in any one of a number of situations depending upon your place in the queue for the seasonal D & D. And I bet you know exactly what I’m talking about. If you don’t (and even if you do), allow me to share a story or two about my own experience and let’s see how close I get to hitting the nail on the head about your relationship.

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Almost every year for thirteen years, my ex (Wayne the Narcissist) would steadily ramp up the narcissistic chaos and turmoil until around mid-October and then, after creating some ridiculous blow-out,  he’d vanish until somewhere in January or February. Every years for thirteen years. It was the most blatant narcissistic behavior  ever – the D & D before the holidays – and truly the most painful. I can vividly remember spending many of those Christmases cowered under the blankets in my dark bedroom, unable to get out of bed, while my son played with his toys alone in the living room. In 2009, after W the N had disappeared and reappeared several times during October and November, he had me served with an Order of Protection on Christmas Eve when he discovered I contacted a girl on Facebook that he had cheated on me with the year before.  An Order of Protection served by a Sheriff at 8:00pm Christmas Eve (an Order of Protection that the N would break himself just a couple of weeks later, of course) when I didn’t even know where he was living. I had only contacted her via Facebook on a hunch that it would smoke him out from wherever he was.  Well, it certainly worked but at what expense?  I was devastated and so was my son and the N could have cared less.

Now that I think about it, I’m fairly certain that the 2009 Order of Protection was the only Christmas present the N ever gave me!

Narcissists are incapable of handling any time of year or any event (birthdays anyone?) where they might have to show responsibility and loyalty to another person. It’s bad enough that they have fake it on regular days – why on earth should they have to own up during the holiday season when there are ways around those types of things? This isn’t to say that he doesn’t spend the holidays with someone somewhere -because he does. It’s just that he picks the situation that is most self-serving to his seasonal narcissistic needs and inabilities - whatever those may be – and that is where he’ll spend that part of the year.  Without fail.

To really make it work, the N will have at least two households where he is able to set up shop during any given year – one being for the spring/summer season and the other being for the fall/winter season. Depending on which season he’s in, much of his time will be spent trying to thwart the current girl from finding out about the off-season girl.  My ex, though, was a smart one. To eliminate all that unnecessary hassle, he’d prepare for his post-holiday discard comeback by making sure he had a new cell number, a new apartment (or no apartment), and a new job (or no job) even before he started hoovering.  The one thing he always had when he resurfaced was a new cell number. On that point, he never wavered. The fact that he changed cell numbers about 2 – 3 times a year (sometimes more) made it easy for me to pinpoint the time frame of his extra-curricular activities.

The bottom line is that, when a narcissist comes back to you, he is, in effect, vanishing from someone else. Of that, you can be sure. Then, when it’s comes time to dump you again, he has to do everything in reverse. The vanishing acts, of course, are also called silent treatments and we’re all familiar with that narcissistic tactic.

Yes, the narcissist will ruin every holiday without fail for as long as you allow it. He has no intention of ever doing it any differently no matter how he professes that “this Christmas will be different” during your on-season together. The narcissist’s seasonal D & D (devalue and discard) is one of his most prized strategies for breaking your heart because it never fails to do so. Even if every other narcissistic weapon in his arsenal were to back fire, the narcissist knows there will always be a seasonal D & D – the foolproof knock-out blow – to fall back on.

Don’t let it happen this holiday season. If you’re still in the relationship, the chances are that he will leave. While you can’t control his behavior, you can certainly control your reaction. Let him go and enjoy your holidays. If you’re out of the relationship and having a bit of relationship amnesia about his holiday behavior, let this article be a reminder of what you’re missing and be grateful for every moment that you’re missing it!

 

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A Narcissist Hoovering Q & A

A narcissist’s hoover maneuver is the epic downfall of almost anyone who’s involved with a narcissistic partner or love interest. It is the hoovering – this  preferred narcissistic tactic of our toxic insignificant other – that invariably lures us back into the abyss for another round of cat and mouse.  It is the hoovering that gets the best of us – more often than not – and makes it nearly impossible for us to put an end to the narcissistic nonsense.

Why do narcissist’s hoover and why does it appear to have such a hypnotic effect on the broken-hearted? I mean, how can this be considering that he who hoovers is, without a doubt, the perpetrator of the original crime? Why do the victims of a narcissist learn to not only expect to be hoovered but will even wait for it, hope for it, and even beg for it at some point in the relationship? Because there are always a slew of questions about the hoovering maneuver in the wonderful emails I receive from website visitors and from readers of my book,  I thought the time was right to create the following Hoovering Q & A.  I tried to make the Q & A short and to the point so that the information would be easy to rememberThe narcissist will hoover until he can hoover no more.

What exactly is hoovering?

Hoovering is an “action”…it is how a narcissist tries to weasel his way back into your life after he has vanished for a time period or the two of you have split-up. A “hoover” is the tactic he uses to do it.

What are hoovering tactics?

Hoovering tactic, which come in many forms (text message, email, letter or card, by proxy through someone else, phone call/voice mail, etc.) are typically always deliberately subtle in the beginning in order to hide the deception behind it. How they continue is based on your response to the first few. Also, because each relationship is unique and your narcissist has kept a mental list of all the special things that tug at your heart strings or pull on your conscience, he or she will combine/include what he knows about you with his hoovering methods.

So, for example, text message hoovering tactics out-of-the-blue after a silent treatment could involve:

text messages pretending to be oh-so-sweet: “Hi. How are u? Are u ok?” or “R u there?” or “Hey, it’s me:(“
text messages on special occasions: “Its my b’day. Really miss u being here” or “Happy b’day. Wish I was there”
text messages about the kids (especially if their not his): “Hi. I was thinking about Joey today. Is he ok?” or “I know u hate me but wanna wish Suzie a Happy 8th b’day”
text messages about a convenient upcoming event: “Foo Fighters r coming. Wanna go? Couldnt go w/o u”" or “R u going to Maggie’s wedding?”
text messages about things you like to do that he’s never been interested in doing with you before (one of my ex’s favorites): “Hey, I was thinking, wanna go bowl a few strings?” or “Hey wud u like to go for a drink?”
text messages about bogus family illnesses (another of my ex’s favorites): “My mom had a stroke. need to talk to u”
text messages about sex: “Don’t u miss us being together?”
text messages that put it back on you: “Did u just text me?” or “Did you just call me?” or “Did u just drive by?”
text messages, when all else fails, making bogus accusations to get some type of emotional response (my ex’s all time favorite): “I know what u did” or “U better tell ur boyfriend to stop calling me” or “I know u hacked into my fone” or ” or “I’ve moved on. Why r u bugging me?”

All of the above can be swapped for use in emails, letters, notes taped to cars, voice mails…you get the idea. The point is..it’s all a crock of shit to get a response from you so that communication is initiated and he can worm his way back into your life.

Why does a narcissist begin to hoover?

A narcissist hoovers for a few different reasons (none of them good, by the way) but the main one is to keep you from ever moving on from the pain that he caused you.  Successful hoovering (i.e. you responding) keeps you in the queue with all of the narcissist’s other victims (and there are always others) and this, in turn, ensures that he will never run out of narcissistic supply.

What has happened to the narcissist for him to start the hoovering?

A narcissist only hoovers because things aren’t going his way wherever he’s at – and that’s the only reason. So, if the narcissist in your life starts hoovering suddenly after a long (or brief) absence, it’s because 1) he’s had enough fun with whoever he left you for, 2) his current fling did something he didn’t like and he’s getting ready to blow her off, 3) his current fling is getting too close to finding out about you or others and he knows the end is near anyway, or 4) he’s in need of something you’ve got (i.e. money, transportation, sex, etc.)

What will happen if I fall for his hoovering tactics?

He will expect the relationship to pick up where it left off with no repercussions from you and the next time he leaves (and he will leave again) he’ll make sure it’s more painful for you than the time before. Nothing good ever comes from falling for a hoover.

And it only takes one (1) response from you for the hoover to be successful. If you notice, a narcissist will often hoover with a text or email or phone call that gives you hope and then, as soon as you respond in kind, he disappears. That’s his way of just checking on your status in his queue of victims – and then he goes back to whatever or whoever he was doing.

Is it ever possible that the narcissist really misses me and feels bad about what he did?

No. A narcissist has no conscience and, although he knows the difference between right and wrong, he doesn’t care about that. He doesn’t miss you or love you or miss the kids or have nostalgic thoughts (not like we do anyway) or feel sorry for what he did or for hurting you. Nope, it’s none of that. He might be missing the sex but that will only be temporary because after you’ve let him back in, he will eventually leave again to go back to wherever he was because he now misses that sex.

Well, I hope the above clarifies the hoovering method of the narcissist a little. As always, no contact is the only way to rid yourself of the narcissist. The more we understand the reasoning behind each and every hoover and that it’s all a big crock of shit, the better our chances of recognizing and ignoring future hoovers.

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Anybody Seen My Closure? (Part I)

Maintaining no contact with a narcissistic ex would become instantly easier if we’d just admit that our need for closure is really about us wanting revenge.

Certainly, I understand as well as anyone that, in narcissist recovery, the act of agonizing over the lack of closure from a Discard has become, well, the very trademark of our suffering. I know because I, too, did it for years and years. We all do. Oh my God, we’ll say it over and over, whining and crying until either we believe it or everyone around us believes it: “But I didn’t get any closure! There’s never any closure…I need closure….there wasn’t any cloooooossssuure!”

Please…has anybody…anybody….. seen my frigging closure???

Okay, so let’s talk about this “closure” that we all apparently want so bad – need so bad – from these unfeeling, uncaring, unlovable bastards. Since closure, obviously, can mean different things to different people depending on the narcissistic situation, then what is our unique, one-of-a-kind closure that, if we had it, would make the entire situation so much easier to bear?

I mean, since much of what all of us in narcissist recovery do is cry and weep and whine over the lack of closure, then we surely must know exactly what this closure is, right? Of course. And it shouldn’t be anything we even have to think about, I would imagine, since we spend so much time grieving its absence.

Two Truths About Closure That You Won’t Read About

Now, here’s Truth #1 (which is both the good news and also the problem) about this elusive “closure” character we’re always searching and yearning for (and this goes for any type of ending to any type of particularly toxic relationship, by the way): there’s no such thing. And I’ll say it again. There’s no such thing.

 “Closure” is a made-up word that the world uses to signify a happy or peaceful ending…a word used describe all those things in fairy tales that tie up nicely with no loose ends. I mean, closure is a good thing, right? If so, then, in real life, it simply doesn’t – and can’t – logically co-exist with an ending of any sort because anything that ends when you’re not ready for it to end is not going to be happy. Now, I’m not saying that, in life, there are no happy endings….but, damn it, they sure are far and few between. With that being true, how can terms like “happy ending” and “narcissist” even sit side-by-side in a sentence? They can’t – so how in the hell can we even think (never mind cry) about this closure thing when it’s very existence ever – and particularly in our type of relationship – is a complete impossibility?

Seriously, what “closure” could the N/S/P ever give you that would make a damn difference after all the crap he’s put you through? We’ve been dealing with his narcissistic lies and manipulative narcissistic tactics for years now – why on earth would we believe anything he has to say?And, since we can’t even define the closure we want, how can an empty, shell-of-a-man narcissist even offer up anything close to what we think it is that we need to make it all better for ourselves. Moreover, I’m sure most of us got the finger on his way out the door or a hang-up or a nasty remark or maybe nothing at all – and that, I’m sorry to say, was our closure. The fact is that it’s supposed to be over and anything that ends when we don’t want it to is just not going to make us happy no matter how we try to spin it.

Now, all that being said, here’s Truth #2 about closure that you won’t see in a book or on other websites: what we really want is revenge.

Now, let’s talk about that.

Thinking about getting revenge on these jerks doesn’t make us bad people, it just makes us normal. I’m talking about this issue honestly because it has to be done. Wanting to get even with these guys is a huge part of the break-up relative to our feelings and you just can’t ignore it because “getting revenge” is considered politically incorrect or inappropriate.    Now, that being said, my own personal discovery or epiphany, after realizing that “closure” didn’t exist, is that we only cry about wanting “closure” because, in our moral, conscious-laden minds, wanting to perform atrocities on these animals seems…well…too narcissistic.

What we really want is that little something else. The truth is…fuck closure! We want revenge and we want it now!

If you think this sounds harsh (which I bet most of you do not), the next time your heart is breaking over the fact that the narcissist erased you from his life without giving you the closure that you wanted, replace the word “closure” with “revenge” in your mind and see which image paints a truer, more comforting picture.
To be continued in Part II…..


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Has Anybody Seen My Closure?

Maintaining no contact with a narcissistic ex would become instantly easier if we’d just admit that our need for closure is really about us wanting revenge. It’s as simple as that. It’s a fact that can’t be argued with so don’t even try.

Certainly, I understand as well as anyone that, in narcissist recovery, the act of agonizing over the lack of closure after a Discard has become, well, the very trademark of our suffering. I know…I know…I did it for years and years. We all do. Oh my God, we’ll say it over and over, whining and crying until either we believe it or everyone around us believes it: “But I didn’t get any closure! There’s never any closure…I need closure….there wasn’t any cloooooossssuure!”

Please…has anybody…anybody….. seen my frigging closure???

Okay, so let’s talk about this “closure” that we all apparently want so bad – need so bad – from these unfeeling, uncaring, unlovable bastards. Since closure, obviously, can mean different things to different people depending on the narcissistic situation, then what is our unique, one-of-a-kind closure that, if we had it, would make the entire situation so much easier to bear?

I mean, since much of what all of us in narcissist recovery do is cry and weep and whine over the lack of closure, then we surely must know exactly what this closure is, right? Of course. And it shouldn’t be anything we even have to think about, I would imagine, since we spend so much time grieving its absence.

Well, here’s Truth #1 (which is both the good news and also the problem) about this elusive “closure” character (and this goes for any type of ending to any type of relationship, by the way): there’s no such thing. And I’ll say it again. There’s no such thing.

 “Closure” is a made-up word that we use to signify a happy ending…for describing all those things in fairytales that tie up nicely with no loose ends. In real life, it simply doesn’t – and can’t – logically co-exist with an ending of any sort. Now, I’m not saying that, in life, there are no happy endings….but, damn it, they sure are far and few between. With that being true, how can terms like “happy ending” and “narcissist” even sit side-by-side in a sentence? They can’t – so how in the hell can we even think (never mind cry) about this closure thing when it’s very existence ever – and particularly in our type of relationship – is a complete impossibility?

Seriously, what “closure” could the N/S/P ever give you that would make a damn difference after all the crap he’s put you through? And, since, we can’t even define the closure we want, how can an empty, shell-of-a-man narcissist even offer up anything close to what we think it is that we need to make it all better for ourselves. Moreover, I’m sure most of us got the finger on his way out the door or a hang-up or a nasty remark or maybe nothing at all – and that, I’m sorry to say, was our closure. The fact is that it’s supposed to be over and anything that ends when we don’t want it to is just not going to make us happy no matter how we try to spin it.

Now, all that being said, here’s Truth #2: what we really want is revenge.

to be continued…

Navigating the Torment of Cognitive Dissonance

By my definition, cognitive dissonance is the psychological state that keeps us clinging to a narcissistic partner even when we know he is completely incapable of ever loving us.  By most definitions, cognitive dissonance is the psychological discomfort or torment a person feels when he or she holds conflicting beliefs about something simultaneously. In other words, we are torn between believing what we want to believe and accepting what we know to be the truth about someone or something. It happens to everyone numerous times in a lifetime and oftentimes will result in our making important decisions that ultimately work in our best interest or for the best interest of our family. Cognitive dissonance is not always a bad thing because it helps us weigh both sides of a situation and make (hopefully) the best choice based on the truth and on the facts.

Cognitive dissonance is not always a bad thing, that is, until it becomes the catalyst for our inability to leave a narcissistic partner or to remain in a state of “no contact” or to not give in to the hoovering or to recover from the whole ordeal when it is finally is really truly over.

Cognitive dissonance becomes a problem when it keeps us shackled to a codependency to hope that will never get us anywhere as long as we choose to remain chained.

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The hardest part about letting go of the narcissist is our reluctance to accept what we already know to be true – that nothing about anything we experienced in our own mind was real…..that he didn’t love us (never did and never will)….that every precious moment, every kiss and caress…all those times when we really thought it was coming around and oh-how-glad-we-were-that-we-stuck-it-out….that all those times were LIES. It was all fake, a fabrication created by the narcissist to benefit the narcissist.

In fact, the narcissist hates you. Oh, but that wasn’t true the whole time, was it, you ask? No, you refuse to believe it….but, then again, at the same time, you get a memory flash of that creepy night where he climbed out of bed early after great sex, giving you some illogical explanation, and then disappeared for two days…just vanished. What about that? In fact, he did that many times over the years. But no, you say again, we had such great sex he had to have loved me. Or did he hate me? And so it goes….our cognitive dissonance sends us to hell and back once again. Struggling to accept that your entire chaotic relationship was a fake even though you know in your heart of hearts that it was….wanting to believe that the narcissist must have loved you at some point in the relationship even though you know that no one who could have possibly loved you would have ever done the things that he did to you and behind your back.

The one belief that saved me from dying from a broken heart throughout my 13-years with a narcissist motherfucker is my belief that all things have to be logical in order to be real. During the last three or so years, I couldn’t take it anymore…the constant lying …the constant insult to my intelligence…and I started tossing out the same response: “I’m sorry, but that’s not logical, Wayne. It couldn’t have happened that way. You’re lying” and it absolutely infuriated him. He eventually resorted to mocking me about it – “Logical, logical, logical…I’m sick of your “logical” bullshit!” – right before disappearing out the door (and always at the beginning of a silent treatment).

You can’t argue with logic. You just can’t. I used logic to navigate my way through – and up and out of – the muddy waters of cognitive dissonance. And you can too, my friends. I’m not saying it’s easy but we can’t keep postponing our recovery based on conflicting beliefs about the narcissist – especially when we know the truth! To escape the grief and emotional torment of cognitive dissonance, you have to make a choice between the two and using logic is one way to ensure that you make the right choice…..for yourself, for your children, for your future, and for your sanity.

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Silent Treatment Appreciation – Part 3 (of 3-Part Series)

To reiterate from Part 1 and Part 2 of this article series, the noise created by the narcissist is nothing more than a distraction meant to divert your attention from whatever his plans are immediately following the moment he goes silent. It’s a play of smoke and mirrors he feels is necessary probably because he knows that, deep down, you’re on to him. Again, it’s all part of the strategy in the narcissist’s pathological relationship agenda that I discuss in detail in When Love Is a Lie…..and the narcissist follows it to a tee.

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Just like a prisoner in solitary confinement who goes crazy after months of complete silence and without human contact, so can we go crazy in our own minds and hearts when the narcissist bastard that we love says – in unspoken words, of course – that we are about as important as the shit on his shoe. So, how do we – and what can we – do to fix our emotions and move forward? The answer is: by learning to appreciate the silence. Once you do that, the rest takes care of itself, I promise.

In my book, I talk about the series of mental shifts that began to occur for me out of nowhere once I got a grip on the big picture and started letting go of the narcissistic nonsense. At the same time that I was feeling that awful separation anxiety, I also started to appreciate the silence. Without the phone ringing (and me waiting to jump on it lest I – God forbid – miss his call)….without feeling homebound in the nervous anticipation that he might stop by and I wouldn’t be there…without feeling that my life, from moment to moment, depended solely upon the Puppeteer’s next narcissistic tactic…without all of that, I  could finally breath. I realized the fact that if he considered himself disconnected from me, then anything that I wanted to do from that moment forward (or at least until he came back – which I knew he would) was none of his fucking business. I was – albeit temporarily – free to do whatever I pleased. And, at that point, anything that I did would serve to be a beautiful distraction from the pain and that’s exactly what I needed and what you need right now if you’re feeling that awful why-is-he-ignoring-me-I-love-him-so-much feeling.

Right now, if you’re still with this person and you know or think that he’ll be back (like he always does), then take this wonderful time he gives you in between to do whatever you want. You damn well know from experience that he’s going to keep doing what (or who) he’s doing right now until he’s good and ready to do otherwise (no matter what you do to try and stop it) so enjoy the time off! And if you feel that, this time, it really might be over or that you don’t want to want him back anyway, then this is your time and your time only going forward so take total action and wallow in the silence appreciation! The end result could potentially be the strength to pass on the need for closure (which we’ll never get anyway) and to go no-contact once and for all and, honestly, isn’t that what we really want?

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Silent Treatment Appreciation – Part 2 ( of 3-Part Series)

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As we talked about in Part 1 of this 3-part article series on the narcissistic silent treatment, the narcissist, sociopath, or psychopath creates so much turmoil and chaos in our lives day to day that we either become immune to the static or co-dependent upon it.  We may not even pay much attention to it until the turmoil crosses a line or forces our hand (or both) but the fact is that the constant chaos is a narcissist’s very deliberate strategy to keep us off-balance so that the he can have his play time sight unseen.

When a narcissist begins a silent treatment, it usually catches us off-guard and this too is deliberate. Think about crucial these first few days must be for the N in his plan to ignore you. It is within these first days, while you’re still at home trying to determine the cause of the sudden silence, that he is quickly setting up shop with a new source of supply for this round. The last thing he wants is you running interference. After a few days has passed and he feels fairly secure in his new digs, he’ll be much better prepared mentally to deal with the fallout from the situation with you. Don’t forget, the N often knows you and how you will react to his actions better than you do!

No matter how it happens, a silent treatment feels just plain awful. I would literally feel instantly erased….as if I never meant a single thing to the asshole ever (which, of course, I surely didn’t). Sometimes my silent events would last up to six weeks and even longer and I would be absolutely consumed with getting him to break the silence.  This was, as I know now, the wrong reaction to take and the one that would waste the most time during that long 12-year ordeal.

What we need to learn to do is appreciate this awful silence and use the time to do some positive work on our battered psyche.  At the very least, the N will return as he always does, right? So, why stress over it? At the very worst, he won’t return. So, work on making yourself the much better person.

Like everything else in life, allowing yourself to wallow happily in silence appreciation after a discard from a narcissist begins with baby steps. Like many, when the silence begins, you:

probably haven’t the slightest idea why you are being ignored
feel extreme anxiety not knowing how long this one will last
will feel compelled to love-bomb him out of the silence even though he certainly doesn’t deserve anything even close to “love”
will feel compelled to apologize for the sole purpose of apologizing even though you know damn well you did nothing to deserve anything of this nature
are feeling completely out of place in your own environment without the usual daily bombardment of texts, phone calls, voice and emails
can’t stand having to be alone with your own horrible thoughts: What is he doing? Who is he with? How can he just blow you off like this….as if you meant nothing???

Just like a prisoner in solitary confinement who goes crazy after months of complete silence and without human contact, so can we go crazy in our own minds and hearts when the narcissist bastard that we love says – in unspoken words, of course – that we are about as important as the shit on his shoe. Again, the noise he creates right before is intended to distract you…..to divert your attention away from the fact that he’s quickly trying to hunker down somewhere else. You’ll find this tactic on page 63 in the strategy guide for the narcissist’s pathological relationship agenda   (not really, but it sure sounds true, doesn’t it?).

So, how can we fix ourselves and begin to move forward? By learning to appreciate the silence. Once you do that, the rest takes care of itself, I promise. In When Love Is a Lie, I talk about the series of mental shifts that began to occur for me out of nowhere once I got a grip on the big picture and started letting go. I started to relish the silence.  In Part 3 of this series coming very soon, I will talk about these shifts and how they began to happen naturally when I took the time to fix me instead of worrying about him….easier said than done but entirely possible!

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Silent Treatment Appreciation – Part 2/3-part Series

Get the Book That Explains it All: Only $3.99  – Click Here

NEW: Personal Consults & Sessions Now Available – Click Here

As we talked about in Part 1 of this 3-part article series on the narcissistic silent treatment, the narcissist, sociopath, or psychopath creates so much turmoil and chaos in our lives day to day that we either become immune to the static or co-dependent upon it.  We may not even pay much attention to it until the turmoil crosses a line or forces our hand (or both) but the fact is that the constant chaos is a narcissist’s very deliberate strategy to keep us off-balance so that the he can have his play time sight unseen.

When a narcissist begins a silent treatment, it usually catches us off-guard and this too is deliberate. Think about crucial these first few days must be for the N in his plan to ignore you. It is within these first days, while you’re still at home trying to determine the cause of the sudden silence, that he is quickly setting up shop with a new source of supply for this round. The last thing he wants is you running interference. After a few days has passed and he feels fairly secure in his new digs, he’ll be much better prepared mentally to deal with the fallout from the situation with you. Don’t forget, the N often knows you and how you will react to his actions better than you do!

No matter how it happens, a silent treatment feels just plain awful. I would literally feel instantly erased….as if I never meant a single thing to the asshole ever (which, of course, I surely didn’t). Sometimes my silent events would last up to six weeks and even longer and I would be absolutely consumed with getting him to break the silence.  This was, as I know now, the wrong reaction to take and the one that would waste the most time during that long 12-year ordeal.

What we need to learn to do is appreciate this awful silence and use the time to do some positive work on our battered psyche.  At the very least, the N will return as he always does, right? So, why stress over it? At the very worst, he won’t return. So, work on making yourself the much better person.

Like everything else in life, allowing yourself to wallow happily in silence appreciation after a discard from a narcissist begins with baby steps. Like many, when the silence begins, you:

probably haven’t the slightest idea why you are being ignored
feel extreme anxiety not knowing how long this one will last
will feel compelled to love-bomb him out of the silence even though he certainly doesn’t deserve anything even close to “love”
will feel compelled to apologize for the sole purpose of apologizing even though you know damn well you did nothing to deserve anything of this nature
are feeling completely out of place in your own environment without the usual daily bombardment of texts, phone calls, voice and emails
can’t stand having to be alone with your own horrible thoughts: What is he doing? Who is he with? How can he just blow you off like this….as if you meant nothing???

Just like a prisoner in solitary confinement who goes crazy after months of complete silence and without human contact, so can we go crazy in our own minds and hearts when the narcissist bastard that we love says – in unspoken words, of course – that we are about as important as the shit on his shoe. Again, the noise he creates right before is intended to distract you…..to divert your attention away from the fact that he’s quickly trying to hunker down somewhere else. You’ll find this tactic on page 63 in the strategy guide for the narcissist’s pathological relationship agenda   (not really, but it sure sounds true, doesn’t it?).

So, how can we fix ourselves and begin to move forward? By learning to appreciate the silence. Once you do that, the rest takes care of itself, I promise. In When Love Is a Lie, I talk about the series of mental shifts that began to occur for me out of nowhere once I got a grip on the big picture and started letting go. I started to relish the silence.  In Part 3 of this series coming very soon, I will talk about these shifts and how they began to happen naturally when I took the time to fix me instead of worrying about him….easier said than done but entirely possible!

 Subscribe to TheNarcissisticPersonality Update Feed