Zari L. Ballard's Blog: The Narcissistic Personality, page 16

Narcissistic Ploys & Tactics

Everything a narcissist, sociopath, or psychopath says or does is a magic trick to distract you from the the reality and the truth of what he’s up to..

There isn’t a moment in the day that a LIE isn’t coming out of his mouth. Many of us have heard the joke, “How can you tell a narcissist is lying?” BECAUSE HIS MOUTH IS OPEN! ….makes sense, doesn’t it?. It’s all smoke and mirrors, a sleight of hand, a devious magic trick used by the narcissist to distract you from what’s really going on. You may have heard this referred to as gaslighting – a narcissistic ploy that makes the victim feel like she’s losing her mind, that everything is in her imagination, that she’s wrong, wrong, wrong….

When a narcissist partner is being nice, it’s because he’s got a devastating Discard planned for you in the very near future. When a narcissistic partner accuses you of something, it’s because that is exactly what he’s up to after hours. When he suddenly gets sick or doesn’t feel good out-of-the-blue, it’s because you just said something or alluded to something that he’s guilty of (remember that the next time he feigns a migraine…what was the last thing you said??).

When you’re involved with a someone with a narcissist personality, nothing – and I mean nothing – is as it seems and everything is intended to be a distraction from the real thing. You’ll always have that nagging feeling that something is very wrong behind the scenes. Although this sounds confusing, it’s really quite simple. Once you realize the smoke and mirrors as fact, you are well on your way to knowing exactly what the monster is up to during any given moment. The more you know what he’s up to, the more likely you’ll be to go no contact without falling apart from the get-go.

You will learn to read between the narcissistic lines.

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The “No Contact” Rule

The “No Contact” Rule for leaving a narcissist means exactly what it states – no contact. No emails, no texts, no late night dial and hang-ups, no drive-by’s, no contacting by proxy via friends, no Facebook or date site stalking, no leaving notes on his car or apartment door, no sending letters by mail……NO NOTHING.

And its freakin’ hard!

No Contact also doesn’t apply only to when you leave the narcissist but also to when the narcissist leaves you which is more likely to happen in a Discard when you least expect it. When you’ve decided that enough is enough…when you start daydreaming about being free of the anxiety…when you start doodling the words no contact all over the place….when you have all of these fine agendas in place but still can’t leave the narcissist and then he leaves you, you can still go no contact because you know he’ll be back someday.

When normal relationships end, it isn’t always necessary to deliberately enforce a no contact rule. Typically, the relationship ends, and there is the usual heartbreak, maybe even some contact in between to tie up loose ends…but when a narcissist is involved, nothing is as it seems and you must erase him off the planet (hey, that sounds familiar – kinda like he does to you…yeah, that’s it!). The narcissist, as you know, will hoover or check back in periodically to make sure you’re still hanging around waiting to be his supply again. He wants you to be suffering – that’s the whole point of the game.

The more you suffer, the more he knows you really care….the more alive he feels. Your misery is his lifeblood.

No contact allows us to breathe, to relax in our own skin, to realize that we are worthy individuals outside of the reality the narcissist creates for us. Even if he leaves you, that should mean for you no contact game on! And make sure the door hits him on the way out! Then, bolt down the hatches, put some compassionate girlfriends on speed dial, delete his email address, delete his phone number (he’ll probably be changing it anyway – my did it every single time!), and start the no contact agenda…one painful day at a time. This is one situation where no pain, no gain is a truism!

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The Narcissistic Silent Treatment

Narcissists are fond of invoking the Silent Treatment as a form of punishment upon their victims. From experience, I can tell you that the affect is sheer mental torture. My ex-N of 12-years executed an narcissistic silent treatment approximately every 3 weeks and sometimes sooner depending upon how – I’m guessing – his other sources of supply were faring. Each silent treatment would last anywhere from two to three days to six weeks to six months before he hoovered back or before my begging at his door and an endless onslaught of desperation letters drove him to give in. The Silent Treatment, for my ex-N and for many others, is a powerful narcissistic ploy and/or tactic.

No matter how it’s implemented, the Silent Treatment sucks. The fact that the victim of the narcissistic partner rarely knows why they are receiving the silent treatment only compounds the mental torture. I remember reading an article where the writer described the narcissistic silent treatment as especially demoralizing because the N is clearly making a statement – in unspoken terms, of course – that you, the recipient, aren’t even worth acknowledging…that, in fact, you are a worthless piece of shit in the narcissist’s eyes.  How true that was and still is.

“How long will the Silent Treatment last?” is always the big question. Will it go on for a day, a week, a month or even longer? Not knowing when it ends is intended to invoke anxiety in the person on the receiving end – and it does. The longer it lasts, the worse the separation anxiety becomes and the more likely you are to feel depressed, jealous, confused, isolated, unworthy etc. The more desperation we feel, the harder it is to follow the no contact rule and give up the need for closure. We become the puppet that he intended to create and he becomes the Narcissistic Puppeteer.

Most victims  – like myself – will describe the days and weeks of silence as a mental torture that leaves us broken and desperate, willing to try anything and everything to get a response. If this means apologizing when we don’t even know what provoked the punishment, then so be it. Meanwhile, the narcissist goes on about his/her business until, for whatever reason, he feels we have been punished enough. When that happens, he usually returns offering no explanation – or at least no logical one. So dismantled and dejected, we often demand no answers anyway, keeping our mouths shut and choosing, instead, to revel in the fact that our anxiety has passed. This particular response, by the way, is an intended result of the silent treatment and is part of the narcissist’s method of managing down our expectations so that we expect less and less and he gets away with more and more.

Understand that a partner using the Silent Treatment for any type of punishment – let alone one for a crime not committed – is not normal under any circumstances. No one ever deserves to feel unworthy of attention or undeserving of love and loyalty. No one …not even one time.

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Narcissistic Chaos – Creating Turmoil on Purpose

The narcissistic lover or partner will create chaos and turmoil on a regular basis (and on purpose) to keep you in a heightened state of anxiety. He will do this even when things are good – and especially when things are good – so that you least expect the kick to the curb.

Everything that he does is done with the purpose of keeping you on your toes, afraid of his next move, wondering what he’s doing or not doing. You’re forever hoping he’s not doing what you’re thinking he’s doing (which, of course, he is!) and you may turn to super-sleuthing to prove yourself wrong or right.

Narcissistic chaos is passive-aggressive manipulative behavior and it is an everyday occurrence when you’re in a relationship with this type of creature. This is one of the many ways he trains you to behave according to his relationship agenda. Narcissistic chaos could include starting fights for no reason, leaving you for the day on a good note and then not calling for days, accusing you of something (that he’s doing – of that you can be sure).

Victims of this type of emotional abuse always feel desperate and have trouble focusing on jobs, children, friends, etc. It’s a terrible way to feel and it’s all part of the narcissistic lover’s plan to control you.

The more you suffer, the more he knows you really care and the bigger rush he gets….

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Giving Up the Need for “Closure”

We know that the Narcissist makes us feel unsettled all of the time.  At the same time, he (or she) really pisses us off, hurting us terribly, and making us feel like we are, literally, pieces of shit on his shoe. For all of that and for all the months and years wasted, we want closure when it’s over, when we receive the inevitable Devalue & Discard.

That’s right – closure, damn it! And, by God, we’re going to stay in this miserable relationship, letting him treat us like shit, until we get that closure! Okay? So what do you ya think about that!! Yeah, you’ll see – I’ll hang in there till I’m nothing and he destroys me. As long as it takes to get that closure, you can count me in!!!

Oh yeah, the victims of narcissistic abuse can be as stubborn as the N when it comes down to getting what we want.

Unfortunately, there’s one very huge problem.

You’ll never ever win.

Remember, the narcissist likes that you suffer. Therefore, giving you closure so that you feel warm and fuzzy is not an option – ever.

What? You don’t care about my closure?? Oh yeah, well…well, go ahead and don’t care! See if I care that you don’t care about caring about me who cares about you! We’ll see who doesn’t care! I want my closure and you’re gonna give it to me if it’s the last thing you do…I’ll hang in there till the bitter end!

The N can play the game a lot longer than you ever can. He’ll make sure you die first. All the letters, all the tears, all the begging and pleading……if it hasn’t worked up until this point, what makes you think it will ever happen?

I want my closure!! Give me my closure! You can’t leave me without closure! How can you do that? I hate you! I love you! Don’t leave me…no, go ahead and go…see if I care…I’ll be right here waiting when you’re done, cheat on me all you want, see if I care…when you get done, I’ll be right here waiting for my closure….because it’s coming..oh yeah, it’s coming..and you’re gonna give it to me…aren’t you? Don’t you love me? Hey, don’t turn you back on me…I haven’t got my closure yet…When I get  my closure, I can rest in peace. But then I’ll be sad. Am I gonna be sad?? Are you listening to me???

(the scene fades to black……)

It’s your choice, of course, but you really only have one life. How important is that closure when the object of your obsession is a passive-aggressive narcissist who hates you?

Make your own closure….and walk away….

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The Narcissist & the Uncomfortable Feeling

Something about the dysfunction in your relationship is rubbing you the wrong way….giving you that uncomfortable feeling….that nagging something that things just aren’t right. Now, I’m not talking normal dysfunction here….I’m talking dysfunction that you can’t quite put your finger on. I’m talking about a nagging feeling that you get when he “forgets” to call even one time (and you’re not a jealous person) or when he tells you a ridiculous, illogical story to explain why he wasn’t at his apartment this morning or when he changes his phone number for the fifth time this year (out of the blue) and couldn’t care less about explaining that at all.

It’s an anxious, “something just ain’t right” feeling that far surpasses any feeling of discomfort you might experience in, say, a “normal” dysfunctional relationship. This feels very different although you can’t quite explain it. And when you bring this feeling to his attention, the narcissist, sociopath, or psychopath is instantly defensive, blaming you for being an insecure Drama Queen and making mountains out of molehills. Worse yet, you’re starting to say nothing when he hurts you this way because …well, you’re not sure why. All you know is that if you push the issue of his hurtful behavior in even the slightest way, he will most likely punish you by disappearing for a week or two or maybe more.

It’s time to stop and recognize who and what you are dealing with. Passive-aggressive manipulation is often the most spirit-breaking kind of abuse simply because it conducts itself in the background of your life all day, every day. Passive-aggressive behaviors are deliberate – make no mistake about this fact.

And the partner who inflicts this type of emotional manipulation for the sheer joy of seeing you suffer is the Narcissistic Partner.

Make no mistake about this fact and learn about the enemy.

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