Zari L. Ballard's Blog: The Narcissistic Personality, page 12

Breaking Up With a Narcissist

Breaking up with a narcissist is never easy but, with the right intention and the willingness to let a few things go, it certainly can be done. The good news is that the “rules” of breaking up with a narcissist are completely different than the rules that apply to even the most dysfunctional of “normal”(...)

The Pathological Liar: Sifting Through the Word Garbage!

A narcissist is a pathological liar who will lie about anything and everything for the sole purpose of gleefully watching you sift through the word garbage. He/she also lies even when the truth is a better story. This means that he’ll lie about which super market he shopped at, where he stopped for gas, the(...)

Trauma Bonding & the Narcissist – No One Does it Better!

Feeling attached to a narcissist or sociopath even though he treats us badly is a constant source of angst for those in recovery from toxic relationships. Victims want to know why…why can’t I just let go of this guy? Why can’t I move on? Why am I obsessed with no closure? Why do I feel so connected to someone who feels no connection to me? One logical answer to this is that we’re normal and they’re not and normal people want to fix things that are broken so that they work again. The problem of course is a narcissist can’t be fixed because he never was right to begin with. In essence, the narcissist isn’t broken at all. He simply is what he is and what he is no good. This being true, what do we do, after a Discard, when we can’t shake the feeling of being only ½ a person without him…of feeling utterly attached even when we’re apart and even when he’s with someone else? Why can’t we disconnect from the Bad Man? Well, there is an answer to this for those who seek a deeper psychological reason for the suffering and it’s a condition often referred to as trauma bonding.

When we think of trauma bonding, we typically associate it with The Stockholm Syndrome (TSS) – a condition named after a situation that occurred in XXXX where a group of hostages became attached to their kidnapers. TSS, however, although certainly similar to trauma bonding, typically occurs in life-threatening situations where the victim is literally in fear of dying at the hands of her toxic, abusive partner. Trauma bonding is more descriptive of the attachment dilemma that occurs from the type of trauma caused to our emotions (i.e. betrayal and neglect, over and over and over). It’s the type of bonding that can easily occur via passive-aggressive manipulation (i.e. sex, lies, silent treatments) and other forms of narcissistic control.

The narcissist partner, as cunning as he or she is, understands the process for streamlining a victim’s codependency to point of least resistance. He has actually figured out – without a single day of formal training – that the best way to ensure narcissistic supply is to create trauma bonds with his targets via the method of “seduce and discard”.  He has figured out an easy way to turn us into narcissist enablers.

The conditioning that leads to trauma bonding focuses on two powerful sources of reinforcement reoccurring in succession over and over and at perfectly timed intervals. Psychologists call this reinforcement the ‘arousal-jag’ which actually refers to the excitement before the trauma (arousal) occurs and the peace of surrender afterwards (jag). Take a second to reflect on the narcissist’s behaviors. Creating trauma bonds is what he’s been doing his whole life!

‘Arousal-jag’ reinforcement is all about giving a little and then taking it away over and over and over in well timed intervals. Narcissists do this all the time (disappearing/reappearing, silence/chaos) whereby creating an illusion of twisted excitement that reinforces the traumatic bond between us and them. And to be clear, the narcissist feels a connection here as well only his connection is to the excitement alone and not to us. This is why a narcissist always has multiple partners because it doubles and triples his excitement factor. The fact that we – along with others – become so attached to the chaos that we eagerly await a hoover is quite an added bonus!

Are you getting it yet??

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The excitement before the trauma (of betrayal and neglect) is created during the devalue stage…that point in time right before a discard when our intuition has already told us he’s going to leave based on his behaviors. It’s that knot-in-the-stomach feeling, the overwhelming urge to cal his phone 100 times, the torment of cognitive dissonance…. it’s the hours spent scouring the internet looking for clues…it’s the feeling we get from the chaos that a narcissist ALWAYS creates right before the storm.  Like it or not, we become highly addicted to his narcissistic behaviors and all of the nonsense and we miss it like a motherfucker when it’s gone….when, suddenly, it all goes silent. We long for the connection – as manipulated and fabricated as it is – until we can barely breathe. Then, right before we commit hari-kari, in swoops the narcissist once again – seemingly back from the dead like a Phoenix rising – to give us the second reinforcement: the peace of surrender that happens afterwards. His reappearance is meticulously timed for maximum effect and usually follows a silent treatment that has lasted just a tad longer than the one before. The narcissist is conditioning us to accept less and less so he can get away with more each time he vanishes.

Either way, this second dose of reinforcement – the peace of surrender – is absolutely heaven! Again, it’s an addiction – to the narcissist and the make-up sex, to the vanishing of our anxiety, and to the feeling of calmness and euphoria we get from knowing that, once again, we’ve been given a reprieve to breathe until the cycle repeats again. Seduce and discard…seduce and discard….till the end of all fucking time. And, at that moment, we’re actually okay with that! In fact, there’s nothing in the world we’d rather be doing.

As I am writing this, I am realizing that my ex worked very, very hard at trauma bonding. In fact, he was a Master at it! Silent treatments would run two weeks on/ two weeks – like clockwork – for months at a time and with no explanation. Then, from mid-October to mid-January – every year for 13 years – he made like Houdini and fell completely off the grid.  Right before he left, he always ramped up the chaos, making me horribly anxious and angry yet desperate for his attention. But I was addicted to it and he knew it.  Wayne knew exactly what he was doing!

Our addiction to the narcissistic chaos and then to the reprieve also explains why we find it so hard to maintain No Contact and/or to move on into new relationships after it’s over. No one excites us in quite the same way or with the same intensity as a toxic partner. Via trauma bonding, we become the suffering and the suffering becomes us. We forget what normalcy feels like. The chaos and turmoil becomes almost as big a turn-on for us as it does for the N.

Be Sure to Read the Following Related Posts...What is the Narcissist REALLY thinking? (Part 3/3 – Sociopath Series)The Narcissist’s Control/Validate Tactic is Simplified Evil Reflections on 13 Months of No Contact Plausible Denial is the Narcissist’s Free PassRecognizing the Signs of a Narcissistic Personality

Recognizing the Signs of a Narcissistic Personality

If you suspect that your partner (or a person you’ve just met) has a narcissistic personality, the narcissistic behaviors listed in this article should confirm and/or validate your suspicions. Typically, we’ve been with our partner for quite a while before we begin to investigate the behaviors that have been giving us that nagging, uncomfortable feeling that something isn’t quite right. For many (myself included), it’s this length of time that becomes our biggest regret as well as the biggest obstacle to our acceptance of the fact that this person that we love has a narcissistic personality disorder. I mean, who wants to believe that?

As we’re all aware, this person could be a boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife, mother, father, sibling, child, friend, or co-worker. Narcissism covers the gammet of human relationship possibilities and has no geographic or demographic boundaries. In other words, they’re everywhere.

Recognizing Narcissistic Traits (Red Flags) in Someone New

Now, if you’re people-savvy enough to be reading this article before or during the initial stages of a relationship, then good for you. I didn’t begin my investigations until the eight-year mark of my involvement with a narcissistic boyfriend and this fact boggles my mind even today [See my book When Love Is a Lie for details].

Beware of the following Red Flags that indicate narcissistic traits or tendencies:

You met him ONLINE or it appears that all of his exes were women that he met online OR he has several active online dating/social media profiles. The anonymous world of online dating is a safe-haven and notorious stomping ground for textbook narcissists and sociopaths.
A infamous narcissist tactic is that he/she will come on very strong right away, wanting or showing the willingness to spend 24 hours/day together. This is often referred to as love-bombing. Within days of meeting, you may even hear the words “I love you” or “You’re my soul mate” or “…we finish each other’s sentences” or “You’re the most amazing person I’ve ever met”. And sex with a narcissist is usually deliberately wonderful. When you’re not together, he’ll send lots of texts “just checking in”.
He/she refers to at least one ex as a psycho or as someone “who just can’t/couldn’t let go”. You may even be told that the relationship became sexually incompatible or that the ex was a selfish person. You may even hear that this ex still bugs him and that he’s had to ignore calls or change his phone number because of it (this is a HUGE Red Flag because you’re next!). The ex who “still” bugs him is the usually the one he is cheating on with you.
Even though he has his own place, he seems to like to spend a lot of time at your residence and somehow it always ends up that way (even if the date starts out at his house). There’s a reason why he prefers you two not be at his place right now.
He/she showers you with gifts from the start (part of love-bombing) OR you find that you are paying for everything. Either way, it’s a Red Flag. If you have to pay for things, the excuse usually is something like “I didn’t get a chance to cash my check” or “I’ll make it up to you this weekend” or “I’m kinda short on cash but I’d really like to see you” OR (as my ex actually stated) “Wow…I’m sure glad you’re not one of those girls who expects me to pay for everything. I hate that.” (I should have excused myself to the ladies room and snuck out the front door!)
The time you spend together is, for the most part, just the two of you. Although he may mention the names of friends in passing, you haven’t met any yet and he hasn’t expressed any interest in introducing you to them OR he’ll say, “I kinda like it being just me and you right now.”
When a narcissist shares a story about himself, it’s usually a story describing something someone else did to him. If he talks about past jobs, the reason he was let go or fired was NEVER his fault and he sees nothing unusual about having many past jobs that he can say this about.
It’s AMAZING how many things you have in common with this person you’ve just met. Trust me, no one has that many things in common with an absolute stranger. Beware of hearing too many responses that being with “You’re kidding! Me too!”

Recognizing Narcissistic Traits in a Long-Time Partner



There are times his cell phone is off for long periods of time or he’s seems to always be out of cell minutes or he has a tendency to leave his phone in his car “to charge” or on vibrate when he’s with you or your calls seem to always have to go to his voice mail first before he calls back or when he does call, the background is unusually dead silent or hollow-sounding (indicators he has had to go elsewhere to call you). In addition, if you question any of this, he quickly brushes it off as no big deal and states that you’re making a big deal out of nothing.
If YOU, for whatever reason, don’t answer your phone or respond to a text, a narcissist will become greatly offended or accusatory and may even subject you to a silent treatment as a punishment for not being available.
He will change his cell phone number for no reason at all. With a narcissist, this typically means he is trying to avoid the calls of someone else he’s been seeing and is now blowing off.
There will be unexplained disappearances and unexpected reappearances and he will become highly annoyed if there are repercussions or questions about any of it. If you think about it, it’s as if he pushes a relationship reset button whenever he feels like it, fully expecting to continue on as if he’d never been gone.
He gives illogical and even ridiculous excuses when questioned about anything and nothing about any of it rings true. After awhile, it appears that he may even lie when the truth is a better story just for the sake of lying in general and this is exactly what a narcissist does to confuse you about what’s true and what isn’t so that you’ll eventually stop questioning everything! If pushed, a narcissist will use the tactic of plausible denial, twisting the truth and/or denying everything and admitting to absolutely nothing (even with evidence front and center) until he is blue in the face.
He becomes highly accusatory for no reason and nothing you can say will dissuade him from his rant. This Red Flag can be used to your advantage because whatever the narcissist is accusing you of is usually precisely what he’s up to at any given time.
He keeps a distance between you and his family and even if this isn’t openly apparent, you can simply sense it.
He seems to have a completely different persona in the out side world and others may see him as a really funny guy. If he does have friends and co-workers, he spends a good amount of time talking badly about them to you behind their back. This Red Flag is also a give-away. Is there a girl at work that he talks a lot to you about but in derogatory tones…how annoying she is, how he can’t stand working with her? That’s the one he’s probably interested in.
A narcissist will create chaos about nothing just to start trouble. This is particularly apparent on any occasion that is celebratory for you (i.e. birthdays) and also on holidays. He/she may even disappear at the same time every year. I call this tactic the Narcissist’s Seasonal Discard . If this happens regularly for any amount of time (my ex disappeared every October until after New Years for 13 years!), you can be fairly certain that he’s spending this time at his other place of residence with the person that he discards to be with you during the rest of the year!
You’re starting to feel manipulated into asking no questions about anything this person says or does no matter how illogical it sounds. Manipulation is the key here because a narcissist can be very passive-aggressive. You’re reality is being created by a Narcissist Puppeteer and he’s very good at what he does! Executing this manipulation successfully is how a narcissist manages down your expectations of the relationship until he is able to do just about anything he wants and still return to your open arms.

Trust your intuition! Trust your gut feeling! The above are only a handful of the narcissistic ploys and tactics that a potential partner or a long-time partner or spouse can display to give themselves away – but don’t let too much time pass trying to figure it all out. If you suspect that something is up or if stories suddenly don’t make sense or sound even the slightest bit logical, confront! If the answers given aren’t good enough or if, more than likely, this person refuses to answer you at all or if you’re subjected to punishments simply for asking the question, it’s time to get out of this relationship or nip in in the bud before you get hooked.

Lingering in the confusion and continually giving this person the benefit of the doubt leads to the type of codependency to hope that gets us nowhere. Narcissists are everywhere and they are the most patient of demons. A victim’s unhappiness is how the narcissist measures his control and he has all the time in the world to watch you suffer.

Be Sure to Read the Following Related Posts... A Sociopath Exposes the Narcissist (3 Questions Answered) – (Part 2/3) Silent Treatment Appreciation – Part I (of 3-Part Series) Breaking Our Codependency to Hope Sex, Lies and The Narcissistic Personality A Sociopath Exposes the Narcissist – (Part 1/3)

The Narcissist’s Control/Validate Tactic is Simplified Evil

I discovered today, quite by accident, that my ex-boyfriend, the Narcissist of my books, may have actually provided me the biggest clue ever into his twisted narcissistic mind when he described himself as a “simple man”.  He would say this as a way of insisting that I was making too much of things…that he didn’t even think like I made it appear he was thinking. I, of course, believed this self-description to be absurdly untrue and even ridiculous but, now, while responding to a reader who felt baffled by her narcissistic partner’s behaviors, I think he may have actually been on to something.

The Narcissist Was Right – He IS a Simple Man!

To provide a quick background on the “I’m a Simple Man” story, here’s a paragraph from my book When Love Is a Lie:

“No matter from what angle you examine a narcissist, sociopath, or psychopath, the view is complicated. Of course, he’ll swear up and down that “complicated” is far too exaggerated a description and the problem, of course, is you. Consequently, when a narcissist scolds us for making mountains out of molehills, it’s his attempt, as always, to make us doubt our intuition and the ideology serves him accordingly. During one altercation where I was laying out the facts, my N made the statement, “Really, you’re making me out to be complicated and the truth is I’m just a simple man.” Even though I laughed out loud, he found his self-description obviously very clever because, from then on, I’m just a simple man became his new catch phrase for every argument where he felt he had to defend himself.”

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Now, to be clear, by saying that the Narcissist may have told the truth, I’m not relieving him of his guilt in any way shape or form.  What I am saying is that, by insisting “I’m really just a simple man”, he was – albeit inadvertently – providing me with the biggest clue ever into how these jerks really think. Because the behaviors of the narcissist are so mind-boggling and so out of the norm of how we might consider behaving toward someone we care about, we tend to trump them up, making the behaviors much more complicated than they really are, thus actually giving the narcissist too much credit in the long run! I now believe – as of today – that there are really only two reasons that a narcissist acts the way he does towards his partner and everyone around him and they both have to do with control. In fact, every thing that confuses us about why the N did what he did, why it still continues to hurt long after it’s over, and why it appears that he’s okay with someone else…all of the residual garbage he leaves us with can be broken down and attributed to this control factor.

The question asked of me by a reader today was this: Why is it that narcissists obviously want to be ‘loved’, adored & treated nicely yet they’ll use ‘love avoidance’ tactics to push us away or they’ll use manipulation to keep us just close enough or they’ll use all the above PLUS passive-aggression, contradiction, negativity (about the relationship, you, them & everyone else in general) to completely fuck our heads up??

And here was my answer – an answer, I believe, that neatly sums-up the entire complication dynamic of this type of relationship:

IT’S ALL ABOUT CONTROL. Re-read your question and ask yourself, “What kind of person have I just described?” A CONTROL FREAK, of course! The wording of your question was actually perfect because every tactic used by a narcissist and/or borderline is mentioned in it. Everything – and I mean everything – a victim partner is subjected to during a relationship with a narcissist (N) happens for either/or of the following two reasons: 1) as a means of controlling that person, or 2) as a means for validating that control. That’s it! That’s all it is! You have to keep in mind that it’s the relationship that’s complicated – and only for the victim. The narcissist himself/herself, in reality, isn’t all that complicated.

Imposters of the Emotional Kind

A narcissist’s main concern in life is to control the people around him – namely, us – so that he gets what he wants, whatever that may be. In order to control, of course, he must manipulate and mirroring our good qualities back to us is an excellent way of hooking us into the Lie. Never forget that these people are imposters of the emotional kind and they’re very good at what they do. To get what they want (i.e. adoration, ego boost, sex, money, etc.), a narcissist will tell us exactly what they know we want/need to hear to make it happen. Even when he or she is being as sweet as pie (which is, of course, a façade), the narcissist is controlling us.

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Then, once the narcissist gets what he wants, he starts a fight, creates narcissistic chaos, cuts us loose, disappears, subjects us to the silent treatment or the cold shoulder, erases us as if we never meant a thing, and generally makes us feel like shit – tactics that are fully intended to manage down our expectations of the relationship for future go-rounds. It is the victim partner’s reaction to this “managing down” process that ultimately validates, for the narcissist, that his control is still solid even when he doesn’t need that person. When he gets us worked up to the point that he can actually feel our desperation and codependency, then his control is validated and he can go about his business secure in the fact that we’ll be around when and if he does need us. And around and around it goes.

The entire control process can happen in an hour, several times a day, over two weeks, over many years…it’s a push/pull system that really means control/validate, control/validate, control/validate until we’re ready to lose our minds. For the narcissist, it’s a way to secure future narcissistic supply and that’s really all he cares about.

Now, after writing my response to this reader, I had an immediate relationship flashback of those instances where I’d be in tears, lamenting to the narcissist that I knew what he was up to…that I had figured out his MO and could predict his every move before he did it (which I could). And I remember him always giving me that look when this occurred…that stupid blank stare that only a narcissist confronted with his own lunacy can give…and he’d say, “You’re making it all so complicated and it’s not. I’m really just a simple man.” And hearing this, of course, would only catapult me further into the insanity. I felt it was just another fucking lie…a distraction reaction intended to add insult to injury. But today…..today I’m thinking maybe he was telling the truth! Maybe what appears to us to be well-thought out, calculated manipulations to wreck us really boils down to the narcissist either controlling us or validating that control – or, for that matter, controlling others (i.e. the other women) or validating that control.  Maybe a narcissist really is just a dumbed-down sociopath (like sociopaths proclaim) and we’ve been giving him far too much credit in the intelligence department!  I’m fairly convinced that this is the key to the narcissist’s psyche.

Mind you, my little discovery in no way pardons the narcissist for his despicable behaviors or for causing everyone – and even his own children – so much pain. He is absolutely guilty as charged. And if, in fact, I’m right and narcissists – like my ex – really do believe in the simplicity of their own evil, then that makes these losers even more un-fixable than ever before. And, believe it or not, the fact that a narcissist’s evil agenda is not nearly as complicated as we’ve perceived it to be is very good news. It would mean that we no longer have to think so hard about why he does what he does. It means we now have yet another way to use a narcissist’s ploy – in this case, the control/validate process – to our own advantage when dealing with the narcissist or even when we’re dealing with our memories of the narcissist. Using a control/validate process of our own, we now have another way to determine the narcissist’s motive – as simple as it may be – each and every time he opens his mouth….and I bet it will work. Let’s experiment.

From now on, when engaging with the N (i.e. as a partner, co-parent, co-worker, or relative), no matter what he’s saying or doing or how hard he tries to push your buttons, silently ask yourself this: “Is he trying to control me or is he trying to validate the control?” Know the answer and you will respond accordingly. From now on, whenever you feel weakened/saddened/haunted by all those memories of the “good times”, review each event individually and ask yourself:  “Was he trying to control me or was he trying to validate the control?” With the answer, the memory will weaken. Watch and see….control or validate…for the entire time that you are “together”, it was either one or the other and never anything else.

Be Sure to Read the Following Related Posts... The Intention of Narcissistic Chaos (Book Excerpt: “When Love Is a Lie”) Plausible Denial is the Narcissist’s Free Pass Reflections on 13 Months of No Contact A Sociopath Exposes the Narcissist (3 Questions Answered) – (Part 2/3) What is the Narcissist REALLY thinking? (Part 3/3 – Sociopath Series)

Plausible Denial is the Narcissist’s Free Pass

When the narcissist is confronted with a lie, he will use a mechanism known as plausible denial to deflect the blame back on whoever is doing the accusing. I really started thinking about this particular narcissistic maneuver yesterday after receiving a heart-breaking comment from a woman who is going through hell right now and happened to stumble across my book. Her descriptions of her narcissistic husband’s crazy-making behavior, the silent treatments, and her manipulation-induced reactions were a chilling reminder of how often I dealt with the same crap no matter how many facts I laid out before my ex. The standard response was always to deny, deny, deny or to completely ignore – and then distract from – the obvious truth by shifting the blame onto me somehow until he had me begging to be forgiven for what, I’ll never know. For confronting him, I assume, but how crazy is that?

Plausible denial is a narcissistic defense mechanism – a narcissist tactic – for automatically kicking back the insinuation that anything could possibly be wrong with him or that he would even consider doing whatever it is you’re accusing him of doing.  Its matters not that evidence of his betrayal is front and center. Evidence and fact mean absolutely nothing. Evidence, in fact, will piss him off.

What are you talking about? You’re delusional.

Now you’re just making shit up. I think you’re bi-polar.  

I think you need to get professional help. You’re paranoid.

Oh…and let’s not forget the silent stare (which says all of the above and more).

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The words used by narcissistic partners appear so amazingly similar and universal because narcissism stems from an ideology that runs very deep…an one-way ideology that springs from the pathological relationship agenda that I talk about in my books.  This particular manipulation is so notorious that I’ve even heard it referred to as covert narcissism. And, yes, it most certainly does appear many times to be a covert operation, doesn’t it?

Because it is extremely hard for someone normal to fathom thinking in the capacity that it always appears a narcissist is thinking, we choose, instead, to “sort of” believe the lie. Sometimes the narcissist’s lie is so ludicrous that it’s even easier to “let it go” in lieu of confronting him at all lest we take the risk of stumbling around trying to get our words right. We develop that crippling codependency to hope that does nothing but get us into trouble. The N, of course, is hip to all of this and counts on our confusion – and his own absurdity – as his free pass to do just about anything he pleases during the relationship and get away with it.

I mean, it’s not as if we’ve never tried to get the truth out of the narcissist, right? And when we do dare to attempt it? Well, here’s an anecdote from my own relationship archive that describes what happens:

[One time, way back, I was driving my car with the N in the passenger seat and I, for whatever reason, felt triggered into bringing up a still-unresolved situation where I knew for a fact he had lied to me. I wanted the truth and I wanted it right then but he would have none of it. The loud and very heated conversation (that I’m sure many of you will find familiar) went something like this:

Me: (screaming) What about that?? Tell me the fucking truth! Why did you disappear?? Where did you go??? Why did you do that to me??

W: I already told you.

Me: Told me what? No, no, no…what you told me a lie. You vanish for two solid weeks and then text me with a frigging lie about flying back east to see your dad?? I SAW your truck in town and I want the truth!

W:  (very calm) Wow…you’re not well…what is your problem? What brought all this on?

Me: Answer the question! I saw your truck…I checked the airlines. You didn’t GO ANYWHERE. Don’t you get it? DON’T YOU GET IT???

W: (talking over me) There is something wrong with you. I’m sick of this shit. I don’t think I want to do this anymore.

Me: Don’t try to twist this around. Just tell me the truth. For once, tell me the frigging truth. Where were you those two weeks? Do you have PICTURES of your trip? A boarding pass? ANYTHING?

W:  Oh my God, just shut the fuck up.

Me: (talking over him) ….No. No, you don’t. You just expect me to believe a ridiculous, stupid story. You don’t even own a suitcase! You’re not going to tell me, are you? I just have to let it go, is that it?? Is that my only option to everything??

W:  (screaming) I SAID I TOLD YOU ALREADY! ARE YOU FUCKING DEAF?

Me:  What?? That you went back east?

W:  YES!!

Me: But IT’S A LIE!! I saw your truck and Chris saw you!

W: Really now? Did Chris see me with someone?

Me: No, but that’s not -

W: See?? What more do you want from me? Shut THE FUCK UP!!!

Me: Stop telling me to shut up! The fact is that YOU WEREN’T AT YOUR APARTMENT FOR TWO WEEKS!! You were somewhere with SOMEONE, now tell me the truth!

W: I ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE I WAS!

Me: Stop lying! Oh my God, I’m begging you to STOP LYING.

W:  You’re just a bitch. You never believe anything I say anyway, so what’s the point?

Me: (sobbing) Please…the truth. Just tell me the truth.

W:  That’s it. I’m done. Let me out of this car!

Me: It never ends…oh my God…

W:  Yeah, tell me about it. You must really, really hate me. I am so sick of this.

Me: Over and over and over….please…

W:  That’s right…just keep bringing up the past…

Me: The past? How can you say that? We’re talking about last month!

W:  We were having a great day and you just had to fuck it up, didn’t you? That’s what happened here so don’t try to blame it on me. No wonder everyone thinks you’re a bully.

Me: A bully?! Who’s everyone?? Name someone!

W: See? This is what I mean.

Me: What the fuck are you talking about? That’s a distraction! I know what you’re doing…

W: Oh yeah, I forgot…you know everything. You’re just so much smarter than everyone else. Tell me, how does it feel to be so smart?

Me: Oh my God…you are so mean. Please stop.

W: Stop what? I didn’t start this. You did, you moron!

Me: (sobbing)

W: Yeah, it’s always my fault. If I’m so bad, then what the fuck are you with me for?!

Me: All I wanted was the truth. I don’t even know.

W:  Yeah, well, that makes two of us. You better just take me fucking home before I lose it.]

 Sound familiar? I have a name for this type of manipulation myself…I call it the distraction reaction and if it wasn’t so despicable, it would be probably be funny. We’ve all been there and I’m sure most would agree that the above conversation describes, more or less, one of the more fairly common manipulative, word-twisting scenarios that occur whenever we dare to request the truth.  And, although it’s exhausting for us, for the N, it’s just business as usual. The narcissist enjoys the Lie so much that he’ll lie even when the truth is a better story.

Yes, I remember it well…the stuff nightmares are made of. It is these types of conversations that should remind us how just how sacred No Contact really is…how beautiful and calming is that lovely sound of silence.

Be Sure to Read the Following Related Posts... The Intention of Narcissistic Chaos (Book Excerpt: “When Love Is a Lie”) No Contact vs. The Silent Treatment Anybody Seen My Closure? (Part I) A Sociopath Exposes the Narcissist (3 Questions Answered) – (Part 2/3) The Narcissist’s (Pathological) Relationship Agenda (Book Excerpt: “When Love Is a Lie”)

No Contact vs. The Silent Treatment

The difference between No Contact and a Silent Treatment is the intention of the outcome – and no one knows this better than a narcissistic partner.

About four years ago, out of the clear blue and smack dab in the middle of my narcissistic relationship nightmare, I got real strong and went No Contact on my ex before he had a chance to go silent on me. It was highly unusual behavior on my part and a shocker to both of us since it was he who typically called the communication shots. And I held on tight for quite a few weeks until his incessant pounding on my apartment door caused me to open it, letting the evil in once again for another round.

As some point before I gave in, I had even scribbled No Contact on the dry erase board that hung on the wall behind my desk as a reminder/affirmation, I suppose, of what I was supposed to be doing. And, for whatever reason, after I let the demon back in, I neglected to erase the reminder, deliberately and perhaps purposely opening myself up to ridicule and arguments as to my intention. For several weeks, there I sat and there he sat and there sat those words – No Contact – looming on the wall behind me like the elephant in the room and neither of us said a word.

Then, one day, I happened to turn around to write a date on the board and noticed that the N had made a change – albeit when I wasn’t looking – to my scribbled affirmation. With a black marker, he had drawn an angled line through the word No in No Contact and written Mo above it so that it now read Mo Contact (as in slang for MORE Contact, of course).  I have to admit, I thought it was pretty funny then and I think it’s pretty funny even now. I left that “correction” up on that dry erase board for months after and, again, it loomed behind me and we never said a word.

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How can the narcissist take No Contact seriously if his victim doesn’t? He can’t. To a narcissist, there’s absolutely no difference between a silent treatment and a little dose of no contact and, hell, he knows all about the dynamics of a silent treatment. Specifically, he knows that a silent treatment doesn’t last forever and, therefore, the same rule must apply to the No Contact Rule. This is how he thinks when we don’t show him differently…when we don’t mean what we say and say what we mean.

Most narcissist victims, even as painful as it is, do understand that implementing No Contact is and always will be the only effective means to gaining back our sanity.  So, we spend a lot of time talking about it and trying to create new and better ways to maintain it so that we don’t do exactly what the narcissist thinks we’re going to do – give in. It’s all about the intention going in. When you make a decision to go No Contact, you have to first ask yourself “Am I going No Contact, or am I giving him the Silent Treatment?” because silent treatments, as we know, are temporary. A silent treatment – aside from being cruel and unusual and the narcissist’s favorite “punishment” – is intended to prove a point (oh… how well we know that!) or to teach a lesson or to buy time to be a cheating bastard or whatever. It’s nothing more than a dreadful narcissistic tactic intended to HURT.  The intention of No Contact should be nothing other than to END IT.  Sure, it would be nice if No Contact HURT the narcissist but this is doubtful. Narcissistic injury is not the same as the gut-wrenching feeling we get when we’re discarded. It’s not even close. Going NC actually gives us the last word – finally! NC, whether we know it or not, is the closure from the narcissist we’ve been looking for.

I was very guilty of this myself (as shown in my Mo Contact anecdote)…of not taking the No Contact Rule seriously…of not going into it with the appropriate intention. I’m certain that I went “no contact” more than once to get the narcissist’s attention. This is wrong. We can’t seriously implement No Contact yet still look at/allow texts, emails, Facebook contact, or continue to drive-by, etc. If the intention is really to END IT…to go No Contact…then all of that must stop. Numbers must be blocked or changed, emails deleted, Facebook accounts blocked or, better yet, deactivated. We can’t have it both ways.

The difference between No Contact and a Silent Treatment is the intention of the outcome.

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Now, I’m not saying any of this is easy because it certainly is not.  And I’m not saying that if you go No Contact and fall off the wagon that you can’t get up and instantly start over because you can (and you must). And I’m not saying that if you fall off the wagon, then your intention was disingenuous because that’s not necessarily true. I’d much rather that you intend to end it and mess up than go into the plan with the intention of playing the same old game with the narcissist – only in reverse. It’s a game we’ll never win.

Everything we do in life should be done with an intention. For anyone who believes (as I do) in Universal concepts such as the Law of Attraction, then you know what I’m talking about. The Universe knows your true intention and will give to you accordingly and the narcissist, believe it or not, is keenly aware of your true intentions as well. If you really want him to go away, go No Contact with the right intention and he eventually will [NOTE: the exception, of course, would be a co-parenting situation where complete NC is often impossible]. As long as we start with the right intention, even if mistakes are made, I believe we will eventually get what we really want (albeit not as quickly). When we enter NC with the intention for it to be temporary, the game continues, we remain the narcissist’s puppet, and time continues to be wasted.

It’s all up to you how you handle your suffering at the hands of the N and letting go of anything is never easy. It’s a complex situation that calls for us to be aware of our intentions (and boundaries) more than ever. Let’s be honest with ourselves and with each other no matter how hard or how painful it gets. And if we feel confused, there’s always someone on the team who understands. We are, after all, in this together.

Baby steps, everyone, and we can all hold hands.

Be Sure to Read the Following Related Posts... Reflections on 13 Months of No Contact Silent Treatment Appreciation – Part 3 (of 3-Part Series) The “No Contact” Rule Silent Treatment Appreciation – Part I (of 3-Part Series) A Sociopath Exposes the Narcissist – (Part 1/3)

Co-Parenting With a Narcissist (& the Agony of Defeat)

The only thing harder than breaking up/going No Contact with a narcissist is breaking up/going No Contact with a narcissist who also happens to be your baby daddy/momma. Based on the countless emails and comments that I receive from victims who struggle to co-parent with a narcissist ex, it’s clear to me that there are no easy solutions. In fact, up until I began to write this post, I was starting to fear that perhaps there were no solutions but that answer simply wasn’t acceptable to me. I mean, how can I help if there are no solutions? So, I gave the subject a lot of thought and came up with a slightly different perspective on this very unique co-parenting scenario. Ultimately, I decided that co-parenting with a narcissistic ex and having a peaceful life can happen because it must and that the Agony of Defeat was not insurmountable.

Can a Narcissist love his/her children?

This is the big question, of course, and, unfortunately, the answer is no. The truth is that a narcissist can no more love his or her children than he or she can love a partner, friend, family member, or anyone else.  I’ve never seen it happen. I’ve never read about it happening. I’ve never heard about it happening. It’s just not possible.  An N is an N is an N. If history showed that even the slightest possibility existed  that narcissists could, in fact, love their own children, I’d be tempted to think that narcissism perhaps was fixable. But there is no history any where that does this…no history, that is, that is based in fact and not in wishful thinking. No, narcissists do not and can not love their children.

Now, having said that, do not be misled into thinking that narcissists do not find their children useful under certain circumstances because…oh yeah…they most certainly do. In fact, the N who is a combination “ex-partner” and “co-parent” has the luxury of circulating, surviving, and thriving at levels of evil far beyond that of the typical narcissistic asshole. The narcissist co-parent is indeed a SuperPower in his own right! Yes, he who holds this coveted position is awarded the type of false entitlements that a single non-parent narcissist only dreams about. And for the victim partner who wants to get away, a break-up with this narcissist superpower appears too often to be a hopeless situation…a brand new narcissistic show of chaos that promises to be far more damaging than the first, second, and third. And, this time, it is the children who get bumped to the top of the N’s hit list.

Is it possible to go No Contact with a narcissist co-parent?

No, not in the way that No Contact was originally intended. Victims who want/need the torture to stop but still have to deal with co-parenting issues are left to their own devices without a single one of the privileges that many other victims may take for granted. As a victim who co-parents, how do you block a phone number, move away, refuse to answer the door, blow off the in-laws, and so forth when children are involved? You can’t. How do you flat out refuse to communicate with a parent that the children (bless their hearts) have been duped into loving? How do you deal with the fact that the narcissist talks shit about you to the kids and you can’t even defend yourself (because you choose to do the right thing and stay quiet)?

Because the N is not a normal human, he is going to use the children as his narcissistic tactic and weapon of choice to cut you to the very bone. Since he has no conscience, dragging the children into the dirt is nothing but a thing and the easiest way to hurt you. He will use every excuse in the book pertaining to the children to intrude upon your new life. At some point, he may threaten you – either with CPS or by saying simply that he won’t bring them back. Granted, this scenario isn’t likely because the N honestly can’t be bothered (but the thought is nonetheless horrifying since you know he will cross all boundaries both in court and out).  You will now have to watch the torture that was your relationship played out towards the children. Since he can no longer Idolize, Devalue, & Discard you, he will turn his pathological relationship agenda on the kids. It’s likely he’ll make plans with the children and then not show up.  He will promise to call and then conveniently forget. He may even miss holidays altogether, choosing instead to be with his “new” victim family and partner. He will relish the thought that now, even with the relationship being over, he can continue to torture you by torturing the children. And since the children, at least while they’re young, tend to love a narcissist parent unconditionally no matter how neglectful and indifferent he/she may be, the N ultimately gets nearly a life time to make sure you are never happy again!

So, what is the answer?

The answer, first, is to know that the relationship between you and the N is over. At this point, despite how he appears to others, you already know the type of parent that he really is and must proceed to use this information to (for once) serve your own purpose. How much time did the N really spend with the children anyway? Narcissists are historically not doting fathers and mothers or even participating fathers and mothers. Over and over, I hear stories of narcissists walking out just weeks after a child is born. Silent treatments!! Can you imagine that?? Silent treatments when there’s an infant and new mother at home? I hear about narcissists who walk out just days before Christmas, leaving the children with not the slightest idea where daddy went. This may not be exactly the case with your ex-N but I bet its close. Use this knowledge to your advantage. You are a good person. He is not.

As a co-parent with an N, you, too, must strive to be a SuperPower! You must develop thicker skin than you ever thought possible so that every nasty comment he throws your way rolls off your back. You must be able to take an emotional beating without anyone being the wiser. You have to learn to detach, detach, detach and commit, commit, commit to setting boundaries and making rules of engagement. Communication, if possible, should be limited to text, email, and the sporadic phone call…and it must only concern sensible/reasonable issues about the children (and, really, how many of those can there be that have to involve the N?).

Do not worry about and/or feed into the enormous amount of trash-talking going on behind your back. In fact, say nothing and simply observe, allowing the N to talk trash about mommy all day long if he wants to. Sit quietly on the sidelines while the pathetic narcissist digs his own parental grave – and he will dig it because he just can’t help himself. Take comfort in the fact that children are strong, resilient, and smart. They will grow up one day and see the narcissist parent for what he/she is and you will come out the winner. The mask always slips and that’s a fact.

From co-parenting with a narcissist, nothing good ever comes… this we already know so where else can we really go but up?  You must believe in your heart that no matter how hurtful the narcissist is or how evil his intention, you are still free! The relationship is over. You may now look upon the Narcissist as nothing more than an annoying sperm donor and treat him accordingly. He deserves nothing less, nothing more. For years, the narcissist has been methodically managing down your expectations...preparing for this very day….setting the stage for this break-up because he knew it would come…it had to come. The narcissist co-parent counts on the fact that his passive-aggressive conditioning of your responses to his words and behaviors has stuck and that you still fear what he could do, might do, will do.  He counts on his control in this situation and your emotional fragility. The fact that he gets to use the kids against you is just an added bonus!

Turn it around by having no more fear. It’s time to up the ante.

First, if the narcissist has a girlfriend, tell him you want to be communicative with her about the children. Now, the N will hate this but that’s too bad. Normal couples in normal break-ups speak to “the others” all the time. In fact, you should simply refuse to send the kids unless you at least get to speak to her on the phone for five detached minutes about Suzie’s sort throat. If you show that you’re willing and actually prefer to communicate with the OW, the N is likely to begin behaving immediately to ensure this never happens – and that’s fine too (it’s what we want). I’d be willing to bet that, within a short amount of time, the narcissist will begin to back out completely since the fun of making you suffer will have been taken out of the equation. Using this particular communication twist clearly sends a message to the N that says: I don’t care about you anymore.

Do not allow fear to keep you from being free. You have to let it all go (narcissist included). Do not let your emotions rule your actions. You can still initiate and implement your own version of No Contact with the narcissist co-parent. You can still move on with your life. Chances are high that if you show indifference, detachment, and a refusal to play the game on his terms in any way, the narcissist will do what he has always done and vanish anyway. The children will still grow up to be wonderful people. In the end, you – as the co-parenting ex victim – will be stronger than any of us who have embarked on this journey.  Your decision to end it with the N despite the fact that you have children together will always be the right decision.

I tip my hat to you, sisters and brothers. It’s going to be a challenge but I know you can do it. Change your perspective and change your life. Do not let the N twist the rules of the game to serve his purpose. Allow no more manipulation because that part of your life is over!! Don’t allow the co-parenting dilemma to become an excuse to stay connected with the N. Instead, beat him at his own game by playing by the rules. You can win. I know you can!

Be Sure to Read the Following Related Posts... Letting Go of the Narcissist = Releasing the Past Reflections on 13 Months of No Contact To Male Victims of Narcissistic Partners The Narcissist Puppeteer – Creating YOUR Reality Narcissists and Sex: Why Anything Goes…

The Intention of Narcissistic Chaos (Book Excerpt: “When Love Is a Lie”)

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The following is an excerpt from Zari Ballard’s book, When Love Is a Lie:

Without chaos, the narcissist has nothing. The more chaos a narcissist creates and projects upon you, the more you suffer and the more in control he becomes. The more in control the N becomes, the more he’s able to manage down your expectations and get away with murder – right before your very eyes. By creating a non-stop cycle of narcissistic chaos, the N projects a crazy-making condition upon his victim that is intended to destroy her.

The victim’s reaction to this form of mental abuse – where confusion and chaos is seemingly at every turn -  can escalate from mere frustration to psychotic craziness in a very short period of time and this is what the N counts on. Once you, as his victim, have reached a breaking point, the N then finds a variety of ways to use your behavior (which is, of course, a reaction to his behavior) against you and for his own benefit. The very fact that you are acting “deranged” makes him feel vibrantly alive! For this very reason, a narcissist will always turn a good day into a bad day, keep you on the edge of your seat, and act erratic and unpredictable.

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He wants you in a heightened state of anxiety and uncertainty 24-hours a day. He’ll tell you one thing and do another. Normal everyday functions and responsibilities are intolerable to him. He’s reliable only when the outcome serves him in some way. When you really, really need him, he’ll be nowhere to be found. He’ll make plans for next week and then disappear the day before as if the plans were never made. To explain a disappearance or odd behavior or silent treatment, he’ll create an illogical story in incredible detail and then dare you to question it. Most of the time, you will be so bewildered at the depth of the lie, that you choose instead to “sort of” believe it. The alternative – to stand up for what you know is true and call him on The Lie – would, of course, guarantee his early departure and a feeling of doom and gloom that you’ll do anything to avoid.

Every so often (and usually when he was trying to lure me back), my ex-N would excitedly suggest we see an upcoming concert together. This, of course, would mean making plans, something I was completely hesitant to do since I had been let down countless times previously by promises he never kept. So, each time he suggested a date, I naturally seemed reluctant and I hated the fact that I couldn’t get excited about anything. When I explained my fears about him letting me down again, he always acted insulted (as if he would never do such a thing) and inevitably I’d give in and make the date.

Without fail, every single time, the night of the event or concert would come and go and he’d be nowhere to be found.  I’d be sick to my stomach – again – at the very fact that I let him lead me on to another disappointment. It was such a show of deliberate malice, deliberate neglect, that it hurts now to even think about it.

In normal relationships, the goal of one partner is typically to make the other partner feel good. With both working towards this same goal, relationships enjoy a period of peace and security where both partners seemingly blend seamlessly. This type of relationship is conducive to both partners always feeling that the other partner has “their back”. A narcissist never has your back.

The fact that I could never “count on” my N for anything ever was – and still is, in retrospect – the most hurtful part of the experience. During one three-year stint when my ex worked as a cab driver, I was probably the only person in town that he wouldn’t give a ride to. One scary night, after stalling on the highway and coasting my car down the nearest exit, I found myself smack dab in the worst possible part of town. Terrified, I called the N who I knew was working. He wouldn’t answer his cell. I called again and again. Nothing. Then, I called cab company dispatch and relayed a message to the N and my location. An hour passed. A group of troublemakers had spotted my car and promptly began to circle it (more chaos – what’s up with that?), taunting me. I watched in vain as two police vehicles cruised by but never stopped (like I said, this was a bad part of town). Another hour passed. I called the N’s phone (he ignored it) and dispatch several more times but couldn’t get through. Terrified, I finally dialed a girlfriend who promptly crawled out of bed and drove over 20 miles to rescue me in her pajamas. She would later tell me that the terror in my voice during that call haunted her for days after. As for the N, he would later tell me that he’d been angry at me about something and that’s why he never came to get me or picked up his cell. He simply could have cared less about my situation and never once apologized for ignoring my calls of distress.

From then on, in the rare cases that I needed similar assistance or any assistance, once in a while the N would come but it was never without fanfare. My friends, however, both male and female, always had my back. That’s what friends do. Lovers are supposed to be our friends. The N’s reaction to others helping me (if I even told him), would range from complete indifference (and probably relief that he hadn’t been called) to shock and disappointment that I would call anyone else besides him. Moreover, when I attempted to explain my reasoning for not calling him (complete with examples of his neglect), he pretended to not have the slightest idea what I was talking about and accused me of making him look bad.

Does (or did) the partner in your life have your back? Could (or can) you count on him no matter what – even if one of you is angry at the other? Are (or were) you a team? Think about it. Answering “no” to any of those questions….why is that even an option for any of us?

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Be Sure to Read the Following Related Posts... Reflections on 13 Months of No Contact The Narcissist’s (Pathological) Relationship Agenda (Book Excerpt: “When Love Is a Lie”) Navigating the Torment of Cognitive Dissonance Managing Down Our Relationship Expectations Don’t Be a Narcissist’s Enabler (Book Excerpt: “Stop Spinning, Start Breathing”)

Letting Go of the Narcissist = Releasing the Past

To begin to let go of the narcissist, we must release the past and choose to live in the here and now. This, my friends, is the only answer.

About an hour ago, I was actually on the fence about what to focus on for my next post. Then, I went to my email and found this from Daily OM as my horoscope for the day:

February 10, 2014

Release the Past

Aries Daily Horoscope (Daily OM)

You may notice mood swings today that may be due to memories from the past. There could be many emotional triggers that leave you feeling uncertain about how to handle various situations. You might feel that the past is more present to you than the present and that your ways of dealing with what arises doesn’t reflect who you are but rather who you were. Today would be a good time to become aware of these triggers and remind yourself that the past cannot hurt you. Should you feel that your thoughts about what happened previously affect your frame of mind, you can gently tell yourself that they have no power over you now. You might even repeat to yourself, “I am here in the now.” You could find that this helps you live more in the present and could help lighten your mood.

Reminding ourselves that the past holds no sway over us allows us to live in the present moment. It is easy for us to define ourselves and our actions based on either our past experiences, moods, or defense mechanisms. However, when we consciously bring ourselves into the now, our problems with the past dissipate. We see that there is very little in the present that threatens us and that the only thing in life we can change is our minds—we can’t change anything about the past. By releasing the power the past has over you today, you will discover the sweet wonders that await you in the present.

Wow. I instantly had to share this with you because it speaks of the one powerful Universal magic (solution) that actually has the potential to fix us once and for all…to take away our heartache forever…to fade the narcissist (and all his evilness) into total oblivion. It is the magic that makes a narcissist’s silent treatment our best friend and cognitive dissonance a figment of our imagination.  It is the magic that instantly creates the closure from the narcissist that we’ve been searching for. And this magic (solution), if we so choose to believe, is right at our fingertips all of the time.

It is the power of the here and now…the power of the present moment. If we live in the here and now….if we choose to be mindful (no matter how hard it appears to be to do it) of only this moment and nothing else….if we practice this every day and especially each time a memory of the narcissist (good or bad) invades our thinking, we can finally detach from the pain. We can experience the pain, acknowledge it, and let it go. The here and now is the foundation for No Contact.

Because the truth is that in this very moment the N has no bearing on your life. In this very moment, he does not exist because he is not with you. It’s easy to maintain the No Contact Rule with someone who doesn’t exist! And the past…well, it’s the past…and the past (yesterday, last month, last year…) can not touch you in this very moment. It is behind you and you, therefore, must release it. Releasing the past is the logical thing to do – and you simply can’t argue with logic.

That which is behind you can not hurt you, my friend. Let your heart not be troubled. Believe in this and you too will become free. It will happen, I promise you.

 

Be Sure to Read the Following Related Posts... Anybody Seen My Closure? (Part I) Giving Up the Need for Closure Reflections on 13 Months of No Contact The Narcissist & the Uncomfortable Feeling The Silent Treatment – Any Time is a Good Time