Caroline Abbott's Blog, page 8
June 19, 2018
Do You Experience Toxic Shame?
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Do you struggle with feeling shame? Many of us do. Sometimes we are taught to feel shame by our parents, or at a childhood church. But often, our abusers plant a feeling of shame in our hearts. How is this possible? The following is taken from my book, A Journey to Healing After Emotional Abuse.
Abusers are adept at blaming their victims for their behavior. Because of this many victims believe his* behavior is her fault. This makes them feel shame for something they did not cause. In his book Mending the Soul: Understanding and Healing Abuse,** Steven Tracy defines shame as “a deep, painful sense of inadequacy and personal failure based on the inability to live up to a standard of conduct—one’s own or one imposed by others.” He says God gave us the ability to feel healthy shame as a correct response when we violate one of God’s laws. This is a gift from God because it tells us when we are doing something wrong, and it lets us know we are moving away from our loving, holy Creator. It is a gracious call to repentance.
On the other hand, unhealthy, or toxic, shame can never redeem; it can only destroy.
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Toxic shame distorts our sin, our worth, and God’s grace so that we can do nothing but hide in the shadows. It gives a false interpretation of our sin that strips us of hope. Tracy points out that shame is not a reliable emotion. The Bible makes it clear that humans do not always feel shame when they are guilty, and they are tempted to feel shame when they are not guilty.
In his book, Tracy gives an interesting reason why an abuse victim often takes the blame of the abuse for the abuser. He says if the victim believes it is her behavior that is causing the abuse, this enables her to preserve a sense of meaning, hope, and power. If she is bad, her abuser is good. If she tries to be good, perhaps she can stop his abuse by changing her behavior. This allows her to have false hope that the abuse will eventually go away—if she can only be good enough.
How Can You Heal Your Shame?
Tracy recommends writing a shame history. Prayerfully construct a detailed personal history of the times in your life when you have felt the greatest shame, listing whatever created the shame. Then try to answer three questions about each event:
Who is responsible for this shameful event? In other words, who “owns” the blame?
What do you need to confess?
What do you need to make right (make restitution for)?
You may feel ashamed about an event that was not your fault. However, you may need to confess to God actions you took afterward, such as taking drugs or alcohol to numb the pain, or abusing others. Confessing your sin to God strengthens your walk with Him.
The final step is to make restitution for anything you were responsible for. This will look different depending on the circumstances. If you have emotionally damaged someone who is still in your life, you can write a note of apology, acknowledging what you’ve done and offer to pay for their counseling. If the person is dead, or out of your life, you can write a symbolic letter to them. You will never give it to them, but you maybe surprised how good writing the letter will make you feel. As a person recently coming out of abuse, you might find it difficult to discern the things you are responsible for and what things your abuser should own. If so, seek the help of a counselor, mentor, or friend during this step.
Accept God’s Judgment of Yourself
Once you understand what things you are responsible to own, and which things your abuser should own, you can begin to get rid of this toxic shame by letting God, instead of your abuser, or even yourself, define your worth. What does God say about His children?
We are completely forgiven (Psalm 103:12).
Nothing can separate us from His love (Romans 8:38, 39).
He rejoices over you with singing (Zephaniah 3:17).
He doesn’t remember our sins (Isaiah 43:25).
There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ (Romans 8:1).
Look up these verses and others that describe our relationship to the Father and prayerfully meditate on them. Accept them as truth. After all, God’s Word is truth. Exchange Satan and your abuser’s lies for God’s truth.
Prayerfully Hand Shame Back to Your Abuser
Steven Tracy says one of the most empowering things you can do to get rid of shame that belongs to your abuser is to symbolically hand the shame back to him. In many Psalms, the authors ask God to shame their abusive enemies. This had two purposes:
to cause the abuser to be overwhelmed with shame for his or her sin so they would repent, and
to bring utter destruction to the abuser if he or she didn’t repent.
Does this sound un-Christian to you? God is a God of justice. He knows we long for justice when we have been abused. In Romans 12:19, He tells us not to take revenge on our enemies, but to allow Him to avenge us. He knows we don’t have the power and authority to properly exact justice on abusers. His justice, however, will be perfect and inescapable. We may not see it in our lifetime, although we might. He will exact most of his justice in the afterlife. If we pray our abuser will be filled with shame, he may repent. If he does, his life will be completely changed. He will be ashamed of his treatment of you. He will stop behaving abusively to you or anyone else. He will try to make restitution to you and others he has hurt. If he does not repent, he will receive everlasting punishment.
Choose to Reject Shame
We live in a world full of sin. Because of this, we won’t be able to stop people from trying to shame us, but we can refuse to accept the shame they try to hand us from this moment forward. Jesus is our perfect example of this. He died the most shameful death known to man, crucifixion. People he loved abandoned him, betrayed him, or were embarrassed by him. The crowds that had lauded him a week earlier now jeered at him and stared at his embarrassment. However, Hebrews 12:2says:
For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
While hanging practically naked on the cross, Jesus prayed:
“Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”
—Luke23:34
Shedding the shame of others, especially from your abuser or other family members may be difficult of you because you might be used to accepting other people’s judgment of you. If they treat you shamefully, you must deserve it, right? Wrong!
Shedding Your Shame Messages
How can you begin to shed the shame messages others send your way (or you find yourself thinking), either those actually spoken out loud or implied by their behavior? Tracy recommends writing down each shame message you receive, and then look for what is false about each statement, based on biblical truth. You might want to memorize Bible verses that refute the lies others tell you about yourself. For example, if someone says you are ugly, you can memorize Psalm 139:14:
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
If someone says God won’t forgive you for leaving your abuser, you can memorize Romans 8:1:
Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.
Experience Genuine Community
Finally, finding a group of people you can be real with will help you heal from shame. This might be a support group, life group, Bible study group, or adult Sunday school class. The format of the group doesn’t matter, as long as each member feels safe to let others see who they really are. In the group you will hopefully confess your sins to each other (James 5:16), be emotionally honest about your joys and sorrows (Romans12:15), give and receive love (Romans 16:16), meet each other’s needs (Acts 2:45, Galatians 6:2), pray for each other (James 5:16),challenge each other (1 Thessalonians 5:14), and help each other if you fall into sin (Galatians 6:1).
You may need to search to find a group like this, but you will be blessed by it, and it will help you overcome your shame. It will begin to heal your relationship with God, others, and yourself. I personally recommend Community Bible Study (CBS), of which I was a member for many years. This is a structured Bible study with a lot of great fellowship built in. I recommend you try it if there is a class near you. (Go to www.com munitybiblestudy.org to learn more.) If you can’t find a CBS class near you, look for a Bible study at your church or a church nearby, or a domestic violence support group.
Summary
God is the great healer. He loves you and wants to see you healed from the abuse you’ve suffered. Though you may at times doubt it, abuse makes Him sad and angry, and he wants to bring your abusers to justice. He also wants to have a close relationship with you. As you draw closer to God He will work with you to heal you from your abuse.
Isaiah 61:7 says:
Instead of your shame
you will receive a double portion,
and instead of disgrace
you will rejoice in your inheritance.
And so you will inherit a double portion in your land,
and everlasting joy will be yours.
Question: What shame messages have you been carrying?
I pray each of us will hand our shame back to our abusers, and come to truly feel God’s love and freedom.
Bless each of you today,
Caroline
Do you struggle with feeling shame? Many of us do. Sometimes we are taught to feel shame by our parents, or at a childhood church. But often, our abusers plant a feeling of shame in our hearts. How is this possible? The following is taken from my book, A Journey to Healing After Emotional Abuse.
Abusers are adept at blaming their victims for their behavior. Because of this many victims believe his* behavior is her fault. This makes them feel shame for something they did not cause. In his book Mending the Soul: Understanding and Healing Abuse,** Steven Tracy defines shame as “a deep, painful sense of inadequacy and personal failure based on the inability to live up to a standard of conduct—one’s own or one imposed by others.” He says God gave us the ability to feel healthy shame as a correct response when we violate one of God’s laws. This is a gift from God because it tells us when we are doing something wrong, and it lets us know we are moving away from our loving, holy Creator. It is a gracious call to repentance.
On the other hand, unhealthy, or toxic, shame can never redeem; it can only destroy.
Tweet ThisToxic shame distorts our sin, our worth, and God’s grace so that we can do nothing but hide in the shadows. It gives a false interpretation of our sin that strips us of hope. Tracy points out that shame is not a reliable emotion. The Bible makes it clear that humans do not always feel shame when they are guilty, and they are tempted to feel shame when they are not guilty.
In his book, Tracy gives an interesting reason why an abuse victim often takes the blame of the abuse for the abuser. He says if the victim believes it is her behavior that is causing the abuse, this enables her to preserve a sense of meaning, hope, and power. If she is bad, her abuser is good. If she tries to be good, perhaps she can stop his abuse by changing her behavior. This allows her to have false hope that the abuse will eventually go away—if she can only be good enough.
How Can You Heal Your Shame?
Tracy recommends writing a shame history. Prayerfully construct a detailed personal history of the times in your life when you have felt the greatest shame, listing whatever created the shame. Then try to answer three questions about each event:
Who is responsible for this shameful event? In other words, who “owns” the blame?
What do you need to confess?
What do you need to make right (make restitution for)?
You may feel ashamed about an event that was not your fault. However, you may need to confess to God actions you took afterward, such as taking drugs or alcohol to numb the pain, or abusing others. Confessing your sin to God strengthens your walk with Him.
The final step is to make restitution for anything you were responsible for. This will look different depending on the circumstances. If you have emotionally damaged someone who is still in your life, you can write a note of apology, acknowledging what you’ve done and offer to pay for their counseling. If the person is dead, or out of your life, you can write a symbolic letter to them. You will never give it to them, but you maybe surprised how good writing the letter will make you feel. As a person recently coming out of abuse, you might find it difficult to discern the things you are responsible for and what things your abuser should own. If so, seek the help of a counselor, mentor, or friend during this step.
Accept God’s Judgment of Yourself
Once you understand what things you are responsible to own, and which things your abuser should own, you can begin to get rid of this toxic shame by letting God, instead of your abuser, or even yourself, define your worth. What does God say about His children?
We are completely forgiven (Psalm 103:12).
Nothing can separate us from His love (Romans 8:38, 39).
He rejoices over you with singing (Zephaniah 3:17).
He doesn’t remember our sins (Isaiah 43:25).
There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ (Romans 8:1).
Look up these verses and others that describe our relationship to the Father and prayerfully meditate on them. Accept them as truth. After all, God’s Word is truth. Exchange Satan and your abuser’s lies for God’s truth.
Prayerfully Hand Shame Back to Your Abuser
Steven Tracy says one of the most empowering things you can do to get rid of shame that belongs to your abuser is to symbolically hand the shame back to him. In many Psalms, the authors ask God to shame their abusive enemies. This had two purposes:
to cause the abuser to be overwhelmed with shame for his or her sin so they would repent, and
to bring utter destruction to the abuser if he or she didn’t repent.
Does this sound un-Christian to you? God is a God of justice. He knows we long for justice when we have been abused. In Romans 12:19, He tells us not to take revenge on our enemies, but to allow Him to avenge us. He knows we don’t have the power and authority to properly exact justice on abusers. His justice, however, will be perfect and inescapable. We may not see it in our lifetime, although we might. He will exact most of his justice in the afterlife. If we pray our abuser will be filled with shame, he may repent. If he does, his life will be completely changed. He will be ashamed of his treatment of you. He will stop behaving abusively to you or anyone else. He will try to make restitution to you and others he has hurt. If he does not repent, he will receive everlasting punishment.
Choose to Reject Shame
We live in a world full of sin. Because of this, we won’t be able to stop people from trying to shame us, but we can refuse to accept the shame they try to hand us from this moment forward. Jesus is our perfect example of this. He died the most shameful death known to man, crucifixion. People he loved abandoned him, betrayed him, or were embarrassed by him. The crowds that had lauded him a week earlier now jeered at him and stared at his embarrassment. However, Hebrews 12:2says:
For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
While hanging practically naked on the cross, Jesus prayed:
“Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”
—Luke23:34
Shedding the shame of others, especially from your abuser or other family members may be difficult of you because you might be used to accepting other people’s judgment of you. If they treat you shamefully, you must deserve it, right? Wrong!
Shedding Your Shame Messages
How can you begin to shed the shame messages others send your way (or you find yourself thinking), either those actually spoken out loud or implied by their behavior? Tracy recommends writing down each shame message you receive, and then look for what is false about each statement, based on biblical truth. You might want to memorize Bible verses that refute the lies others tell you about yourself. For example, if someone says you are ugly, you can memorize Psalm 139:14:
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
If someone says God won’t forgive you for leaving your abuser, you can memorize Romans 8:1:
Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.
Experience Genuine Community
Finally, finding a group of people you can be real with will help you heal from shame. This might be a support group, life group, Bible study group, or adult Sunday school class. The format of the group doesn’t matter, as long as each member feels safe to let others see who they really are. In the group you will hopefully confess your sins to each other (James 5:16), be emotionally honest about your joys and sorrows (Romans12:15), give and receive love (Romans 16:16), meet each other’s needs (Acts 2:45, Galatians 6:2), pray for each other (James 5:16),challenge each other (1 Thessalonians 5:14), and help each other if you fall into sin (Galatians 6:1).
You may need to search to find a group like this, but you will be blessed by it, and it will help you overcome your shame. It will begin to heal your relationship with God, others, and yourself. I personally recommend Community Bible Study (CBS), of which I was a member for many years. This is a structured Bible study with a lot of great fellowship built in. I recommend you try it if there is a class near you. (Go to www.com munitybiblestudy.org to learn more.) If you can’t find a CBS class near you, look for a Bible study at your church or a church nearby, or a domestic violence support group.
Summary
God is the great healer. He loves you and wants to see you healed from the abuse you’ve suffered. Though you may at times doubt it, abuse makes Him sad and angry, and he wants to bring your abusers to justice. He also wants to have a close relationship with you. As you draw closer to God He will work with you to heal you from your abuse.
Isaiah 61:7 says:
Instead of your shame
you will receive a double portion,
and instead of disgrace
you will rejoice in your inheritance.
And so you will inherit a double portion in your land,
and everlasting joy will be yours.
Question: What shame messages have you been carrying?
I pray each of us will hand our shame back to our abusers, and come to truly feel God’s love and freedom.
Bless each of you today,
Caroline
*In this blog, the abuser is portrayed as a male, and the victim a female. Note that both victims and abusers could be male or female.
**Steven R. Tracy, Mending the Soul: Understanding and Healing Abuse (Grand Rapids, MI:Zondervan, 2005).
June 12, 2018
Why Do I Treat Myself Poorly?
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I recently began gaining weight for the first time in years. Exercise and dieting did nothing to help. I was not sure what to do next. I decided to contact my naturopath Cheryl Townsley. Cheryl is an amazing Christian woman and health care provider. Over the last few years, with her help I have come off 20 prescription pills a day, and have gone from on average 10 migraines a month to 1 or 2. Cheryl recommended her Inflammation Breakthrough Program . As part of this program, I have access to over 50 helpful videos. These videos cover everything from what to eat, how to reduce inflammation, what movements can help, and how to treat myself better.
Cheryl has a series of videos about how to overcome abuse. One video called Self-Abuse is especially insightful. I received permission from Cheryl to share the video on this blog. It lasts about ten minutes and is worth listening to. For those of you who don’t have the time, I will summarize it here.
Cheryl says that we often treat ourselves worse than we treat others in our lives. We judge and criticize our bodies, and put ourselves down. When we do this, our judgements stand as evidence that we are not acceptable and are not enough. We begin to believe we have no value. Why do we do this? It could be because of the trauma we have experienced in our lives.
This negative belief about ourselves impacts our health, our weight, our work and our relationships.
Tweet ThisThis causes our brains to no longer be able to hear what our body is telling us because our body reflects what goes on in our minds and souls. This is part of the reason we live with physical pain and weakness and why we carry extra weight.
This made so much sense to me. I know I am not the only one who does all the right things, eating well and exercising, and cannot lose those extra pounds. Cheryl gives several pointers for overcoming our self-abuse. She shares how to:
Understand what our bodies are trying to tell us.
Accept ourselves and our bodies as they are.
Prevent our “stress buckets” from filling up. (An overflowing stress bucket causes us to gain weight and be in pain.)
Forgive ourselves for judging ourselves.
Look for what we can celebrate about our lives and our progress. If we don’t celebrate our small steps forward, we lose the progress we’ve obtained.
Get safe people to help us stop our self-abuse.
When we begin seeing our strengths instead of only our weaknesses, we begin to see our value. Our value is not dependent on our actions. When we can see our value we can say, “NO” to our self-abuse and begin taking baby steps toward health and peace of mind.
Question: Do you treat yourself negatively?
God values every human. We are all made in his image (Genesis 1:26). Psalm 139:13-14 says:
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
Lord, I pray that we will begin to see our inherent worth, and learn to treat ourselves better. Amen
Bless you all today,
Caroline
May 27, 2018
Save Marriage at all Costs? Really?
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I have been a domestic violence advocate for seven years, an author and blogger for six. During that time, I cannot count how many domestic violence victims I have spoken to who were counseled by their church leaders (pastors) to stay in a marriage with their abusive spouse. I would estimate the percentage to be upwards of 90%. I realize that those I hear about and speak with are not a statistically accurate sample.
But, even if the percentage was 50% I would wonder WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON HERE?
Tweet ThisWhy on earth would anyone, especially someone who is supposed to be compassionate, to be a representative of Jesus, want a victim to stay in bondage? Didn’t Jesus come to set us free? It boggles the mind. In thinking about it, I have come up with four possible reasons pastors might act this way:
They are uneducated about the dynamics of domestic violence, (and frankly have no desire to become educated).
They narrowly interpret the Bible verses about what constitutes a “biblical” divorce.
I shudder when I write this . . . they are abusers themselves, and naturally side with the abusive spouse.
#4 – The Christian church has made marriage an idol.
Tweet ThisThis last point is the subject of my blog today. What do I mean when I say we have made marriage an idol? Weren’t idols those golden statues that pagans worshiped in biblical times? What do those statues have to do with us today?
When the Israelites turned away from Yahweh and began worshiping idols, it wasn’t only because they wanted to visually SEE their God. It was more that they wanted to run their lives their own way, rather than living up to the standards Yahweh (God) had given them. After all, a golden statue cannot tell you how to live, nor can it hold you accountable to do the things you’ve promised to do. Most of all, it does not try to have a relationship with you the way God does.
So, why do I say that the Christian church has made marriage an idol? We know that the divorce rate is very high. Some statistics put the rate at about 30% and others say it is closer to 50%. Sadly, the rate of divorce in Christian marriages is about the same. A pastor’s knee-jerk reaction might be, “We must stop this high divorce rate in the church!” When a victim comes forward and reports s/he is being abused, we tend to be skeptical. Often the abuser looks like the more together person – s/he is not being abused, and so is not suffering from depression and anxiety. Without education about the dynamics of abuse, a pastor’s tendency is to not believe the “complaining” spouse. It is much easier to pretend abuse is not happening than to deal with it. Pastors tend to be passive and dislike confrontation. It is so much easier to tell the victim to be a better spouse (with the false idea that good behavior will make the abuse go away) than it is to confront the strong-willed spouse who is reported to be abusive.
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This is very much like an ostrich putting his head in the sand, assuming no predator will be able to see him because the ostrich can no longer see any predators. For a time, the victim will go away, and the pastor might think all is well. But, submitting to the abuse will only increase it. Eventually, the victim will try to leave, and s/he may be in danger or be killed in the process. In the meantime, the children in the family are being trained to be abuse victims or abusers. This causes more divorce in the next generation.
What can we do about this?
We Christians need to stop shaking our heads over the large divorce rate in our churches and begin asking what is CAUSING the divorces. Yes, there are some who bail on the marriage when things aren’t perfect, but that is not the majority. If we look under that rock, we will see the evil that our fake happy church faces are hiding. If churches would invest in helping their members have happy marriages, (classes, small groups, counseling), and be willing to acknowledge that domestic violence DOES occur in Christian marriages, we could begin to turn the tide. Let us support marriages, and if there is domestic violence, support the victim getting help, leaving safely, and financially. Let us hold abusers accountable for their evil actions rather than ignoring them, hoping they will magically stop.
I truly believe if we do these things, we can prevent divorces in the future. Please check out my Domestic Violence Guide for Churches in which I educate church leaders on the dynamics of domestic violence and give practical suggestions for how they can support DV victims and hold perpetrators accountable.
Ephesians 5:11 says:
Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them.
Matthew 18:15–17 says:
If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses. If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.
Question: What experiences have you had seeking help from your church?
May each of you feel God’s presence and love today.
Caroline
May 13, 2018
Do You Have a Target on Your Back?
[image error]Many of us feel like we have a target on our backs. It is as if users and abusers can see us coming. Somehow, like a shark who smells blood in the water, they know we are an easy mark for their manipulation and evil. Does this mean that it is our fault if we are treated poorly by others? NOT AT ALL! They were abusers and users before they met us and will probably be after we are gone. However, if we make a few changes, we can erase that target off our backs, so we will be safer from these types of people in the future.
The following was written by Leslie Vernick in a group letter sent to her followers on April 24, 2018.
Many people wonder if there is something about them that attracts abusers, especially when they have experienced multiple abusive relationships. For a number of reasons, some people* (women and men) may be more vulnerable to predators.
A woman may be more vulnerable to being abused because she is too naive and/or too nice. She has not been taught by her mother or father to “bare her teeth” when she is in relationship danger. Instead, she learns to ignore the warning signs, to pretend everything is fine, to make nice, to be accommodating to her own peril, and to go the extra mile.
While being accommodating and kind are fine qualities, a girl must also be taught how and when it’s time to speak up, set boundaries, say no, and walk away from a relationship that is disrespectful and dishonoring to her before it ever becomes abusive.
When a woman does not know how to protect herself against a predator, or she’s taught it’s ungodly or unfeminine, she is far more vulnerable to being manipulated, intimidated and abused.Tweet This
Thirteen Traits that Make You a Target for Abusers
In my counseling and coaching work, I’ve observed 13 traits people possess that make them more vulnerable to being abused. Having any one of these traits or all of them does not make the abuse you experience your fault, but in your naiveté and/or unhealthiness, you do become a magnet that attracts abusive people.
These traits are not in any specific order nor do you need to have all of them to make you more vulnerable. Just having one of them can make you an abuse magnet and put you in an unhealthy or dangerous place in your relationships.
1. When you are initially attracted to someone you don’t look for good character qualities (such as honesty, faithfulness, diligence, and responsibility) but easily get swept away by charm (such as a great smile, a lot of money, the way he kisses you, his flattering words).
2. You frequently ignore your early gut instincts that something isn’t right. Instead you rationalize, minimize, or tell yourself you are imagining things or overreacting.
3. You believe you don’t deserve a better relationship, therefore, you settle for what you can get and what he gives you, even if it’s hurtful and abusive. You believe that having someone is better having than having no one.
4. You fall for smooth words and fast-talk instead of looking at the hard facts and his past behaviors.
5. You feel empty without a man (or woman) in your life.
6. You have a hard time sticking up for yourself in assertive ways. Sometimes you try but it’s usually in an aggressive over-the-top manner, which you later regret. In your guilt you revert back to your passive accommodating ways.
7. You typically over-function in your relationships. You feel all the responsibility to repair what is wrong and take all the blame. You tend to not think for yourself or make your own decisions. You allow yourself to be controlled.
8. You perpetually avoid conflict and feel bad or guilty for saying no to people.
9. You cling to fantasy story lines and love myths such as if you love someone enough he/she will change, and God will make everything work out in the end.
10. You have few or no boundaries or you allow others to violate your boundaries with no consequences.
11. You accept unacceptable behavior from others and blame yourself.
12. You do things for the other person that is against your own values and better judgment (like co-sign a loan, let him sleep over when you barely know him, lie for him).
13. You make excuses for abusive behavior or minimize and rationalize it. (He’s tired, he had an abusive father, he’s depressed, he’s had a hard day, he has poor self-esteem).
I absolutely loved this article. I think Leslie made some great points here. Another way to think about this is to be on the lookout for the “shark bump” that Emily Avagliano describes in her book Dating After Trauma.** In her book, Emily focuses on preventing rape, but the same thoughts apply to protecting ourselves from any type of user. She says that every attacker tests his/her potential victim before they attack in the same way that a shark will knock its prey first before eating it. If we have been raised to avoid conflict, and “think the best of a person,” we will most likely ignore our gut instinct that something is wrong and rationalize or minimize the user’s aggressive action in our minds. When we don’t react immediately to set boundaries, the shark will take his bite out of us. Emily advises we not go numb, stay in contact with our body and feelings, and be ready to protect ourselves.
What might a shark bump look like? Abusers are adept at this, so it could look a million different ways. I will give you an example from my life. When I met my first husband, we dated casually for a few months. When I told him that I needed some time to myself, he stopped speaking to me. We had a college class together, and he came in and out of class as if I did not exist. Knowing what I know now, I would think to myself, “What a jerk,” and run the other way. But, being the pushover I was then, I could not stand to be ignored. After a few weeks, I started talking to him again. Soon, we were dating exclusively, and eventually we married. The sad part to me is that when he became abusive after several years of marriage, his favorite tool to hurt me and to get his way was to use the silent treatment. My reaction to his shark bump of silence way back then let him know that I was a sucker for it.
In Emily’s case, she was getting a massage by a male massage therapist. His shark bump was to allow his hand to go too high on the inside of her thigh. When she did not react, he raped her. Other types of shark bumps might be calling you “stupid” if you make a mistake, getting angry if you do not respond to his text immediately, or acting jealous if you speak to another man. The point isn’t to be aware of specific manipulative actions, but to listen to yourself, and learn to be willing to say a forceful “NO!” if needed.
Some of us have been taught that it is a “sin” to be angry or to say NO to others. In reality, setting boundaries is very biblical. Here are a few verses that talk about setting boundaries with those who might want to use us:
Proverbs 19:19:
A hot-tempered person must pay the penalty;
rescue them, and you will have to do it again.
In Matthew 10:16, Jesus says:
“I am sending you out like sheep among wolves. Therefore, be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves.”
Titus 3:10:
Warn a divisive person once, and then warn them a second time. After that, have nothing to do with them.
Question: Have you been taught that you should not stand up for yourself? Has that belief put you in danger?
Let’s pray.
Dear Lord, I pray each of us will take a look at our beliefs about setting boundaries with others and discern if these beliefs have allowed others to use and manipulate us. Help us learn how to protect ourselves from unscrupulous users. Amen
Blessings to each of you today,
Caroline
The following was written by Leslie Vernick in a group letter sent to her followers on April 24, 2018.
Many people wonder if there is something about them that attracts abusers, especially when they have experienced multiple abusive relationships. For a number of reasons, some people* (women and men) may be more vulnerable to predators.
A woman may be more vulnerable to being abused because she is too naive and/or too nice. She has not been taught by her mother or father to “bare her teeth” when she is in relationship danger. Instead, she learns to ignore the warning signs, to pretend everything is fine, to make nice, to be accommodating to her own peril, and to go the extra mile.
While being accommodating and kind are fine qualities, a girl must also be taught how and when it’s time to speak up, set boundaries, say no, and walk away from a relationship that is disrespectful and dishonoring to her before it ever becomes abusive.
When a woman does not know how to protect herself against a predator, or she’s taught it’s ungodly or unfeminine, she is far more vulnerable to being manipulated, intimidated and abused.
Tweet ThisThirteen Traits that Make You a Target for Abusers
In my counseling and coaching work, I’ve observed 13 traits people possess that make them more vulnerable to being abused. Having any one of these traits or all of them does not make the abuse you experience your fault, but in your naiveté and/or unhealthiness, you do become a magnet that attracts abusive people.
These traits are not in any specific order nor do you need to have all of them to make you more vulnerable. Just having one of them can make you an abuse magnet and put you in an unhealthy or dangerous place in your relationships.
1. When you are initially attracted to someone you don’t look for good character qualities (such as honesty, faithfulness, diligence, and responsibility) but easily get swept away by charm (such as a great smile, a lot of money, the way he kisses you, his flattering words).
2. You frequently ignore your early gut instincts that something isn’t right. Instead you rationalize, minimize, or tell yourself you are imagining things or overreacting.
3. You believe you don’t deserve a better relationship, therefore, you settle for what you can get and what he gives you, even if it’s hurtful and abusive. You believe that having someone is better having than having no one.
4. You fall for smooth words and fast-talk instead of looking at the hard facts and his past behaviors.
5. You feel empty without a man (or woman) in your life.
6. You have a hard time sticking up for yourself in assertive ways. Sometimes you try but it’s usually in an aggressive over-the-top manner, which you later regret. In your guilt you revert back to your passive accommodating ways.
7. You typically over-function in your relationships. You feel all the responsibility to repair what is wrong and take all the blame. You tend to not think for yourself or make your own decisions. You allow yourself to be controlled.
8. You perpetually avoid conflict and feel bad or guilty for saying no to people.
9. You cling to fantasy story lines and love myths such as if you love someone enough he/she will change, and God will make everything work out in the end.
10. You have few or no boundaries or you allow others to violate your boundaries with no consequences.
11. You accept unacceptable behavior from others and blame yourself.
12. You do things for the other person that is against your own values and better judgment (like co-sign a loan, let him sleep over when you barely know him, lie for him).
13. You make excuses for abusive behavior or minimize and rationalize it. (He’s tired, he had an abusive father, he’s depressed, he’s had a hard day, he has poor self-esteem).
I absolutely loved this article. I think Leslie made some great points here. Another way to think about this is to be on the lookout for the “shark bump” that Emily Avagliano describes in her book Dating After Trauma.** In her book, Emily focuses on preventing rape, but the same thoughts apply to protecting ourselves from any type of user. She says that every attacker tests his/her potential victim before they attack in the same way that a shark will knock its prey first before eating it. If we have been raised to avoid conflict, and “think the best of a person,” we will most likely ignore our gut instinct that something is wrong and rationalize or minimize the user’s aggressive action in our minds. When we don’t react immediately to set boundaries, the shark will take his bite out of us. Emily advises we not go numb, stay in contact with our body and feelings, and be ready to protect ourselves.
What might a shark bump look like? Abusers are adept at this, so it could look a million different ways. I will give you an example from my life. When I met my first husband, we dated casually for a few months. When I told him that I needed some time to myself, he stopped speaking to me. We had a college class together, and he came in and out of class as if I did not exist. Knowing what I know now, I would think to myself, “What a jerk,” and run the other way. But, being the pushover I was then, I could not stand to be ignored. After a few weeks, I started talking to him again. Soon, we were dating exclusively, and eventually we married. The sad part to me is that when he became abusive after several years of marriage, his favorite tool to hurt me and to get his way was to use the silent treatment. My reaction to his shark bump of silence way back then let him know that I was a sucker for it.
In Emily’s case, she was getting a massage by a male massage therapist. His shark bump was to allow his hand to go too high on the inside of her thigh. When she did not react, he raped her. Other types of shark bumps might be calling you “stupid” if you make a mistake, getting angry if you do not respond to his text immediately, or acting jealous if you speak to another man. The point isn’t to be aware of specific manipulative actions, but to listen to yourself, and learn to be willing to say a forceful “NO!” if needed.
Some of us have been taught that it is a “sin” to be angry or to say NO to others. In reality, setting boundaries is very biblical. Here are a few verses that talk about setting boundaries with those who might want to use us:
Proverbs 19:19:
A hot-tempered person must pay the penalty;
rescue them, and you will have to do it again.
In Matthew 10:16, Jesus says:
“I am sending you out like sheep among wolves. Therefore, be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves.”
Titus 3:10:
Warn a divisive person once, and then warn them a second time. After that, have nothing to do with them.
Question: Have you been taught that you should not stand up for yourself? Has that belief put you in danger?
Let’s pray.
Dear Lord, I pray each of us will take a look at our beliefs about setting boundaries with others and discern if these beliefs have allowed others to use and manipulate us. Help us learn how to protect ourselves from unscrupulous users. Amen
Blessings to each of you today,
Caroline
*Leslie focuses on women in this article. Both women and men can be vulnerable to predators and can learn to protect themselves.
**Emily Avagliano, Dating After Trauma: How to find the love of your life after experiencing an abusive relationship, rape, or sexual abuse, (USA:Bad Kitty Print Shoppe, 2013), pp 110-111.
May 6, 2018
How Changing Your Posture Can Change Your Life
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I have been having more migraines in the last month than have had in a long time. I have done all I could to determine a physical cause but could find none. So, I decided it might be an emotional/spiritual issue. I have worked for a few years on and off with Steve Keller , who calls himself an Emotion Reset Coach. He has been trained as an emotion and body code practitioner. Yes, it sounds like “voodoo” medicine, but it works. It is also important to me to know that Steve is a strong Christian.
During my recent session with him, we talked about how difficult my internship as a chaplain in a hospital has been for me. He determined that subconsciously I was thinking the following: “I am worthless at being a chaplain, the hospital is a perfect storm to disempower me, and I have unforgiveness toward the environment for making me feel I don’t have what it takes.” He learned that about the time I found out I would be doing my internship as a chaplain, I had a heart wall of terror and that I was feeling like I would be unsupported in the internship (i.e. this is going to suck). He also learned that other people’s grief humiliates me because I have an unconscious feeling that “I should be able to fix this.” Thankfully, Steve was able to “reset” my emotions, freeing me from being trapped by them – and my headaches “magically” disappeared.
One of the things I do in my sessions with Steve is speak aloud any affirmations he suggests. During this session he told me to say, “The hidden gift of chaplaincy is I will be forced to walk in God’s anointing. I cannot do this, so God you will have to. It is not my job to know how to help these people. It is my job to allow God to help them.”
Steve shared with me a Ted Talk by social psychologist Amy Cuddy about how our body language shapes how we see ourselves. We know that what we think can affect our physical bodies. But did you know that the way you sit and stand can affect your testosterone (power hormone) and cortisol (stress hormone) levels? Amy said that women especially try to make themselves smaller. We sit and stand hunched over, we wrap our arms around ourselves, we try to take up as little space as possible. In the animal world, and in the human world, this closed in posture makes us appear, and actually BE less powerful. Amy encouraged her audience to take two minutes to stand or sit in a power pose, hands on hips legs spread wide – like Wonder Woman!
She says that 2 minutes in this position will allow us to be less stressed, think more clearly, and be more confident.Tweet This
So, I am going to ask you to try this out. Try standing in the “Wonder Woman” pose for two full minutes. Try to take up as much space as possible. Chin up, looking like you are the most powerful woman in the world. Two minutes in this pose will actually feel like a long time, so it is important to time it. It is helpful to think of something positive during those two minutes. Steve suggested to me that I meditate on how many challenging things I have overcome during my lifetime. Choose an affirmation that works for you.
After we try this, when we are faced with a challenging situation, Steven suggested we think about being a 747 and rising above a thunderstorm, rather than having to fly through it. From this altitude we can clearly see what path we should take.
Question: Do you stand and sit hunched over? After trying this for two minutes, how did you feel?
Let’s pray.
Dear God, the way you made the human body is amazing. It feels surprising to know that doing such a small thing with our bodies could have such a profound effect on our minds. Help us to be okay with the fact we can’t live in our own power. Give us the grace to be okay with that thought. Help us please to focus on things that are true, noble, right, lovely and admirable, instead of all the ways we fall short. Thank you that you can do this for us. You are good God. Give us your peace as we move on in our lives. Amen.
I have been having more migraines in the last month than have had in a long time. I have done all I could to determine a physical cause but could find none. So, I decided it might be an emotional/spiritual issue. I have worked for a few years on and off with Steve Keller , who calls himself an Emotion Reset Coach. He has been trained as an emotion and body code practitioner. Yes, it sounds like “voodoo” medicine, but it works. It is also important to me to know that Steve is a strong Christian.
During my recent session with him, we talked about how difficult my internship as a chaplain in a hospital has been for me. He determined that subconsciously I was thinking the following: “I am worthless at being a chaplain, the hospital is a perfect storm to disempower me, and I have unforgiveness toward the environment for making me feel I don’t have what it takes.” He learned that about the time I found out I would be doing my internship as a chaplain, I had a heart wall of terror and that I was feeling like I would be unsupported in the internship (i.e. this is going to suck). He also learned that other people’s grief humiliates me because I have an unconscious feeling that “I should be able to fix this.” Thankfully, Steve was able to “reset” my emotions, freeing me from being trapped by them – and my headaches “magically” disappeared.
One of the things I do in my sessions with Steve is speak aloud any affirmations he suggests. During this session he told me to say, “The hidden gift of chaplaincy is I will be forced to walk in God’s anointing. I cannot do this, so God you will have to. It is not my job to know how to help these people. It is my job to allow God to help them.”
Steve shared with me a Ted Talk by social psychologist Amy Cuddy about how our body language shapes how we see ourselves. We know that what we think can affect our physical bodies. But did you know that the way you sit and stand can affect your testosterone (power hormone) and cortisol (stress hormone) levels? Amy said that women especially try to make themselves smaller. We sit and stand hunched over, we wrap our arms around ourselves, we try to take up as little space as possible. In the animal world, and in the human world, this closed in posture makes us appear, and actually BE less powerful. Amy encouraged her audience to take two minutes to stand or sit in a power pose, hands on hips legs spread wide – like Wonder Woman!
She says that 2 minutes in this position will allow us to be less stressed, think more clearly, and be more confident.
Tweet ThisSo, I am going to ask you to try this out. Try standing in the “Wonder Woman” pose for two full minutes. Try to take up as much space as possible. Chin up, looking like you are the most powerful woman in the world. Two minutes in this pose will actually feel like a long time, so it is important to time it. It is helpful to think of something positive during those two minutes. Steve suggested to me that I meditate on how many challenging things I have overcome during my lifetime. Choose an affirmation that works for you.
After we try this, when we are faced with a challenging situation, Steven suggested we think about being a 747 and rising above a thunderstorm, rather than having to fly through it. From this altitude we can clearly see what path we should take.
Question: Do you stand and sit hunched over? After trying this for two minutes, how did you feel?
Let’s pray.
Dear God, the way you made the human body is amazing. It feels surprising to know that doing such a small thing with our bodies could have such a profound effect on our minds. Help us to be okay with the fact we can’t live in our own power. Give us the grace to be okay with that thought. Help us please to focus on things that are true, noble, right, lovely and admirable, instead of all the ways we fall short. Thank you that you can do this for us. You are good God. Give us your peace as we move on in our lives. Amen.
April 29, 2018
Why Do I Feel I Must Be Perfect?
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I am currently working toward getting a master’s degree in Counseling Ministries. As part of that degree, I have to do a semester interning as a chaplain in a hospital. I had no idea what I was getting myself into when I began the semester.
I guess I was naive, but I did not think through how emotionally difficult working in a hospital would be. And to be honest, I am a bit miffed with my school supervisor and my on-site supervisor for not giving me a heads-up. I could have used some warning!
On my second day there, I was put in the very unpleasant position of having to comfort parents and 10 friends of a woman who died suddenly at work. I was astonished that my supervisor left me there to try to comfort them and talk to the family about tissue donation. I had NO IDEA WHAT I WAS DOING! Absolutely awful.
Being thrown in that situation was painful because I felt so much sympathy for that family, and was awed by the intensity of their grief. What does one say or do in the face of that much emotional pain?
But, the worst part for me was my feeling that I was unequal to the task. No, I had not been properly trained. But, some folks would have said to themselves, “I don’t know what to do, but I will just do the best I can. Whatever I do will be helpful to the family.” My internal dialogue went more like this, “What ON EARTH can I say to these poor people? I feel like an IDIOT! Should I say something? If so, WHAT?!? I am sure they are wondering why I am just sitting here, completely tongue-tied. I want to be a help, but I don’t know how. This is awful!!”
As part of the internship, we are required to have group supervision at school. When I shared my feelings about this experience, my school supervisor asked me if I feel I need to do everything perfectly. I had never thought of that before. She asked me if I ever gave myself grace. Um….I guess not. This thought was mind-blowing for me. I never realized how hard I am on myself. She kept digging. “WHY do you need to be perfect at everything you do?” I answered, “I guess that is how I was raised.” She kept digging and kept digging. Finally, I blurted out, “If I do everything perfectly, maybe my birth father won’t abandon me, my first husband won’t abuse me, and my teenage daughter won’t become pregnant.”
I then realized the irony of that statement, because all these things HAVE happened – no matter how “perfectly” I’ve tried to live my life. Yes, I tried to be the perfect daughter, perfect wife, perfect mom. Where did that get me? When these things happened, I felt bad about myself, tried even harder to be more perfect, and often sunk into depression.
Having just read the book With: Reimagining the Way You Relate to God, (see my blog from a few weeks ago), I realized how much I have lived in the under God position. For me, this looks like trying to do everything “right,” in hopes that in return, God will give me a pain-free life. Sadly, this obviously doesn’t work. As Skye Jethani, (author of With) says, we don’t want to believe that the tragedy comes to all of us is sometimes completely random. We try to avoid this pain by doing what we think is “right.” I do believe some pain comes to us because we are don’t follow God’s plan for our lives (God did not force me to marry abuser). But, often, the pain we experience is because of other people’s sin, or is just completely random (like getting hit head-on by a drunk driver – which has also happened to me).
What are the negative outcomes of feeling I must always be perfect? One big one is depression.Tweet This
When I fail to be perfect (which is a given), I begin to internally beat myself up. “Why did you say THAT?! What were you thinking? You must be a terrible ________ (daughter, wife, mother, friend, chaplain). If you weren’t, this terrible thing would not have happened.” Or, “I must not be lovable if those I care about can’t treat me with love.” Once these toxic thoughts begin circling in my brain, I begin a downward spiral into depression – which can be very difficult to pull out of.
Another negative outcome of my feeling I need to be perfect is expecting perfection in the people around me. When they don’t meet my expectations, I get angry and have a hard time showing them grace. Since I also do not show myself grace, this is not surprising. I don’t often openly share the disappointment I feel with those I love. Often, I will withdraw from them so that they cannot hurt me as much in the future. Sometimes, I hide my disappointment even from myself, and that can also lead me to depression.
What Now?
Now that I am aware of my need for perfection in myself and others, what do I do with this? This is obviously not serving me well. This brings me to another great book I’ve read this semester, Recalling Our Own Stories: Spiritual Renewal for Religions Caregivers by Edward P. Wimberly. In this book, he describes the things we believe about ourselves as the “myths” that we believe. The book includes exercises to help us identify the myths we believe. One of the exercises is to recount your earliest memories. In one of my first memories, I was four and was teaching my 2-year-old brother to talk. In another, my parents vehemently argued over something that I did, leaving my mother crying. From these two memories, I realized that at a very young age, I began holding myself responsible for the happiness and growth of others. Needless to say, this was not a healthy role for such a young child to take on. From there, it was an easy leap to believing I should always be perfect. If I am not perfect, others become upset, and I don’t want others to be upset! Therefore, I need to be perfect!
I know that I am not alone in this feeling. Wimberly says that many of us believe the myth of “overfuctioning”. An overfunctioner is a person who takes on the role of making others happy, and does the majority of the work in their relationships. Sound like anyone you know? For an overfunctioner to work, they must be in relationship with an underfunctioner – the perfect description of an abuser. This is the type of person who lets others do all the heavy lifting in a relationship.
Wimberly encourages us to try a process he calls “reauthoring” our myths. To do this, we must first become aware of the myths we believe (like, I am responsible for other’s happiness and I need to be perfect). Next, overtime, begin assessing if the myths we believe are growth-facilitating or growth-inhibiting. Do the myths we believe serve us well? Thirdly, allow God into the process of changing our mythical beliefs. We can allow God into this process through prayer and reading spiritual books, including the Bible. Finally, we can make plans to change our myths by seeking out ways to modify them. We can do this by seeking out others who will allow us to safely explore what we are learning about ourselves. A safe person is someone who doesn’t tell you what you “should” think or feel, but accepts what you actually think and feel, while gently encouraging you to give up your mythical beliefs. Safe persons might be personal counselors, mentors, life coaches, spiritual directors, or support groups. We can also change our myths by taking classes, or returning to our family of origin to learn where our myths might have come from.
For me, I am in stage three and four simultaneously. I have discerned what are (at least some of my erroneous) beliefs and have decided these myths are not serving me well. Now, I am doing a lot of reading and journaling and praying, asking God to reveal ways that my myths do not serve me, and how I can move past them. I am also processing what I am learning in my internship supervision group and with my husband and a few close friends.
As with most life changes, this is a slow process. I can’t expect to learn these things “perfectly” or quickly. I need to give myself grace even while I am learning how to give myself grace!
Question: What myths do you believe? I would love to hear what you think your personal myths are.
Recently, one of my favorite Bible verses has become Romans 8:1-2:
Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death.
I’m praying I can learn not to condemn myself when I am not the perfect person I wish I could be. I don’t have to be perfect, because Jesus has set me free.
Bless you all,
Caroline
I am currently working toward getting a master’s degree in Counseling Ministries. As part of that degree, I have to do a semester interning as a chaplain in a hospital. I had no idea what I was getting myself into when I began the semester.
I guess I was naive, but I did not think through how emotionally difficult working in a hospital would be. And to be honest, I am a bit miffed with my school supervisor and my on-site supervisor for not giving me a heads-up. I could have used some warning!
On my second day there, I was put in the very unpleasant position of having to comfort parents and 10 friends of a woman who died suddenly at work. I was astonished that my supervisor left me there to try to comfort them and talk to the family about tissue donation. I had NO IDEA WHAT I WAS DOING! Absolutely awful.
Being thrown in that situation was painful because I felt so much sympathy for that family, and was awed by the intensity of their grief. What does one say or do in the face of that much emotional pain?
But, the worst part for me was my feeling that I was unequal to the task. No, I had not been properly trained. But, some folks would have said to themselves, “I don’t know what to do, but I will just do the best I can. Whatever I do will be helpful to the family.” My internal dialogue went more like this, “What ON EARTH can I say to these poor people? I feel like an IDIOT! Should I say something? If so, WHAT?!? I am sure they are wondering why I am just sitting here, completely tongue-tied. I want to be a help, but I don’t know how. This is awful!!”
As part of the internship, we are required to have group supervision at school. When I shared my feelings about this experience, my school supervisor asked me if I feel I need to do everything perfectly. I had never thought of that before. She asked me if I ever gave myself grace. Um….I guess not. This thought was mind-blowing for me. I never realized how hard I am on myself. She kept digging. “WHY do you need to be perfect at everything you do?” I answered, “I guess that is how I was raised.” She kept digging and kept digging. Finally, I blurted out, “If I do everything perfectly, maybe my birth father won’t abandon me, my first husband won’t abuse me, and my teenage daughter won’t become pregnant.”
I then realized the irony of that statement, because all these things HAVE happened – no matter how “perfectly” I’ve tried to live my life. Yes, I tried to be the perfect daughter, perfect wife, perfect mom. Where did that get me? When these things happened, I felt bad about myself, tried even harder to be more perfect, and often sunk into depression.
Having just read the book With: Reimagining the Way You Relate to God, (see my blog from a few weeks ago), I realized how much I have lived in the under God position. For me, this looks like trying to do everything “right,” in hopes that in return, God will give me a pain-free life. Sadly, this obviously doesn’t work. As Skye Jethani, (author of With) says, we don’t want to believe that the tragedy comes to all of us is sometimes completely random. We try to avoid this pain by doing what we think is “right.” I do believe some pain comes to us because we are don’t follow God’s plan for our lives (God did not force me to marry abuser). But, often, the pain we experience is because of other people’s sin, or is just completely random (like getting hit head-on by a drunk driver – which has also happened to me).
What are the negative outcomes of feeling I must always be perfect? One big one is depression.
Tweet ThisWhen I fail to be perfect (which is a given), I begin to internally beat myself up. “Why did you say THAT?! What were you thinking? You must be a terrible ________ (daughter, wife, mother, friend, chaplain). If you weren’t, this terrible thing would not have happened.” Or, “I must not be lovable if those I care about can’t treat me with love.” Once these toxic thoughts begin circling in my brain, I begin a downward spiral into depression – which can be very difficult to pull out of.
Another negative outcome of my feeling I need to be perfect is expecting perfection in the people around me. When they don’t meet my expectations, I get angry and have a hard time showing them grace. Since I also do not show myself grace, this is not surprising. I don’t often openly share the disappointment I feel with those I love. Often, I will withdraw from them so that they cannot hurt me as much in the future. Sometimes, I hide my disappointment even from myself, and that can also lead me to depression.
What Now?
Now that I am aware of my need for perfection in myself and others, what do I do with this? This is obviously not serving me well. This brings me to another great book I’ve read this semester, Recalling Our Own Stories: Spiritual Renewal for Religions Caregivers by Edward P. Wimberly. In this book, he describes the things we believe about ourselves as the “myths” that we believe. The book includes exercises to help us identify the myths we believe. One of the exercises is to recount your earliest memories. In one of my first memories, I was four and was teaching my 2-year-old brother to talk. In another, my parents vehemently argued over something that I did, leaving my mother crying. From these two memories, I realized that at a very young age, I began holding myself responsible for the happiness and growth of others. Needless to say, this was not a healthy role for such a young child to take on. From there, it was an easy leap to believing I should always be perfect. If I am not perfect, others become upset, and I don’t want others to be upset! Therefore, I need to be perfect!
I know that I am not alone in this feeling. Wimberly says that many of us believe the myth of “overfuctioning”. An overfunctioner is a person who takes on the role of making others happy, and does the majority of the work in their relationships. Sound like anyone you know? For an overfunctioner to work, they must be in relationship with an underfunctioner – the perfect description of an abuser. This is the type of person who lets others do all the heavy lifting in a relationship.
Wimberly encourages us to try a process he calls “reauthoring” our myths. To do this, we must first become aware of the myths we believe (like, I am responsible for other’s happiness and I need to be perfect). Next, overtime, begin assessing if the myths we believe are growth-facilitating or growth-inhibiting. Do the myths we believe serve us well? Thirdly, allow God into the process of changing our mythical beliefs. We can allow God into this process through prayer and reading spiritual books, including the Bible. Finally, we can make plans to change our myths by seeking out ways to modify them. We can do this by seeking out others who will allow us to safely explore what we are learning about ourselves. A safe person is someone who doesn’t tell you what you “should” think or feel, but accepts what you actually think and feel, while gently encouraging you to give up your mythical beliefs. Safe persons might be personal counselors, mentors, life coaches, spiritual directors, or support groups. We can also change our myths by taking classes, or returning to our family of origin to learn where our myths might have come from.
For me, I am in stage three and four simultaneously. I have discerned what are (at least some of my erroneous) beliefs and have decided these myths are not serving me well. Now, I am doing a lot of reading and journaling and praying, asking God to reveal ways that my myths do not serve me, and how I can move past them. I am also processing what I am learning in my internship supervision group and with my husband and a few close friends.
As with most life changes, this is a slow process. I can’t expect to learn these things “perfectly” or quickly. I need to give myself grace even while I am learning how to give myself grace!
Question: What myths do you believe? I would love to hear what you think your personal myths are.
Recently, one of my favorite Bible verses has become Romans 8:1-2:
Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death.
I’m praying I can learn not to condemn myself when I am not the perfect person I wish I could be. I don’t have to be perfect, because Jesus has set me free.
Bless you all,
Caroline
April 22, 2018
Living Life WITH God – What Would That Be Like?
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Last week I shared insights from the book With: Reimagining the Way You Relate to God.* In that blog I talked about the positions most of us take when we relate to God. In living under God, we try to do everything “right” and then hope/expect him to give us a good life. When we live our lives over God, we use the Bible as a user manual for life, or we ignore God altogether. When we look for things from God, we see him as a cosmic Santa Claus, there to fulfill all our consumer wishes. And, if we live our lives for God, we find value in ourselves only in as much as we can accomplish for Him. Some of us live in several of these positions, myself included.
Skye Jethani, author of With says that God never wanted us to live with any of these mindsets. Instead, God wants to live with us. That sounds great, but what does living with God look like? Jethani admits this position is difficult to imagine because it is so rare that we find a person who truly lives with God. In order to explain what this is like, Jethani uses a visual example. He talks about the Mausoleum of Galla Placidia in Ravenna, Italy. This mausoleum is considered the earliest and best preserved of all mosaic monuments. The building only has a few small windows, and when tourists first enter it, the incredible beauty of the mosaics are hidden from view. It is not until a light is turned on that viewers can see the astonishingly beautiful artwork wrought in millions of tiny mosaic tiles.
In a similar way, we are not able to see the astonishing beauty of living life with God until it is revealed to us. This is one of the reasons Jesus came to earth in the flesh.
Jesus is called Immanuel, which means God With Us. Jesus is the best example of someone who lives with God.
Tweet ThisIn John 14:10-11 Jesus says,
“The words I say to you I do not speak on my own authority. Rather, it is the Father, living in me, who is doing his work. Believe me when I say that I am in the Father and the Father is in me . . .”
The postures toward God we usually take: under, over, from and for demonstrate our efforts to control our world in order to allay our fears. Those who live under God are trying to control God so He won’t bring tragedy to their lives. Those who live over God are trying to make everything right by following certain principles. Those who seek things from God are hoping they will not go without. Those who live their lives for God are seeking a sure-fire way to have significance in their lives. The sad thing is, none of these work.
We must accept the hard truth that control is an illusion.
Tweet ThisAgain, Jethani turns to a physical example. He talks about the incredible freedom of a flying trapeze artist. For several moments, the trapeze artist is flying through the air holding onto nothing. How does s/he do it? It can only be accomplished because of the work of the catcher. Without the catcher, the flyer is soaring into space and is going to fall. In a similar way, we can only overcome our fears by knowing that as we fly through the air of our lives, God is there to catch us. Does this mean that nothing bad will happen to us if we walk with God? Absolutely not. Many of us have experienced great pain and tragedy in our lives. When we walk with God, we begin to treasure God above everything else in our lives – more than our family, possessions and reputation.
In addition, when we walk with God, we know that our life here on earth is only temporary. The minute we begin walking with God, our eternal lives begin. Yes, we will all face death, some of us sooner than later. But, if we are living with God, the moment we die we will see him face-to-face. This takes away our most powerful fear – that of death itself. As the Apostle Paul says in 1 Corinthians 15:54-55:
“Death has been swallowed up in victory. Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?”
In order to live happily with God, we need hope. Can we realistically hope that our lives will go smoothly and nothing bad will happen to us or our loved ones? No. Our sense of hope does not come from anything external (our jobs, children, houses, significance). Instead, it comes from our unity with God himself. If life with God is where we place our value, nothing that happens to us in this world has the power to derail us.
We also need to truly feel God’s love. This can be a challenge, especially for those of us who were raised by parents who abused or neglected us, or who were narcissistic . We often picture God the way we experienced our parents. If they were harsh and cruel, God must also be harsh and cruel. One way to feel God’s love is through prayer. But prayer is often unsatisfying. When we first begin trying to pray, we expend a lot of energy and get little return. As time goes by, it gets a little easier as we begin to relinquish control of our expected outcomes. In this stage, we begin to slow down and experience moments of refreshing silence. In the third stage, we enjoy longer periods of silence. We begin to find rest in entrusting ourselves to God to seek only his presence, rather than striving for a specific outcome. Finally, over time, we learn to completely surrender to God and seek union with him. At this stage, we are simply recipients of his grace.
Without times of silence and solitude with God, we never fully realize our worth. We keep striving for affirmation, praise and success, seeking to prove our own value. When we are silent before God, we stop seeking things God can give us, and we begin seeking his beauty and goodness. In that silence, we also discover that God delights in us! We begin to see that we are his beloved children. We can read about his love in the Bible, but it is not the same as experiencing it.
I am currently on a mission to feel God’s presence with me all day every day. I have spent time with him, praying, reading the Bible and journaling most mornings for over 20 years. That’s great, but then I usually go about my day without thinking much about God. This semester I have been learning that Christians through the ages have searched for and implemented “practices” that help them learn and grow. I have begun purposely focusing on God every time I walk up and down stairs. I walk many flights of stairs each day at work. Each time I go into a stairwell, I quiet my heart, breathe deeply, and say, “Lord, here I am.” Then, I remain quiet while I listen to what he might say to me. I have also been taking walks alone with God. I turn off my phone, go to an area I don’t often visit, and just walk. I talk to him some, but then I listen.
I don’t feel like I have perfected living life with God by a long shot. But, I do have a sense of his presence more now than I ever did in the past.
Question: If you were to do a practice that might help you live your life with God, what would that practice be?
I pray that this blog might help you discern what false beliefs you may have about relationship with God and spur your interest in beginning to live life with Him.
May He bless you as you begin your journey with Him.
Caroline
Jethani, Skye, With: Reimagining the Way You Relate to God, (Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 2011)
April 15, 2018
How Do YOU View God?
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I have been reading a really interesting book for my master’s program. It is called With: Reimagining the Way You Relate to God. The author, Skye Jethani talks about the four postures people typically take when relating to God. The following describes these four postures:
Under
Karen’s teenage son was struggling with severe depression and coping in unhealthy ways. His drug use only exacerbated the problems and led to more destructive behaviors. “It isn’t supposed to happen this way,” she said, with equal doses of anger and pain. “We have always honored God in our home. We have always done what’s right. We raised our kids God’s way – on biblical principles. There’s even a verse from Proverbs framed and hanging in our house: Raise up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it. Why is God punishing us? (1)
Karen relates to God in the life under God position, using simple cause-and-effect terms: we obey his commands and he blesses our lives, family and nation. People who live under God try to decide what God approves and disapproves of, then work hard to live life under God’s expectations. Karen tried to control God by her obedience.
The irony of life under God is that we are seeking to exert control over God through strict adherence to rituals and absolute obedience to moral codes. Through our obedience, we put God in our debt and expect him to do our bidding in exchange for our worship and righteous behavior. This is the posture I most relate to. The problem is, if I do everything “right” by following what I believe God wants me to do, and then my life falls apart, (and everyone’s life falls apart at some point), what do I do with that? Many teens growing up in Christian homes are told that if they worship God, give financially to the church, and abstain from immorality, God will bless their lives. But living righteously does not guarantee our lives will go well. When they don’t, these youths often become cynical and abandon the church and their faith in a God who doesn’t live up to their expectations.
We don’t want to believe that disaster, disease and death are distributed to all of us by chance, so we try to control God through our obedience in order to prevent these things from happening. But when disaster happens anyway, our fears are now compounded – we not only fear God’s creation, we now fear God as well. This posture does not deliver us from fear. It does not connect us to God. In many cases, it only adds a burden of guilt, fear and empty religiosity onto our backs.
Over
Mark was a pastor who read every business leadership book he could find. “The problem with most pastors is that they think they’re immune to market forces. They don’t understand the basic principles on which every organization rises and falls. I can’t stand all the spiritualizing that goes on at ministry conferences. Do you think the managers of Walmart sit around and contemplate?” (2)
Mark focuses on organizational principles rather than on prayer. He does not have much room for God in his ministry. He lives life in the life over God position. He seeks to control the growth of his ministry by employing “proven” principles. The mystery and wonder of the world is lost as God is abandoned in favor of proven formulas and controllable outcomes. Many Christians see the Bible as a divine instruction manual for life, where every problem can be solved by following God’s principles. The Bible is no longer a vehicle for knowing God it is demoted to principles we can used to control our world. When we view the Bible this way, we no longer need God. We might praise, thank and worship him for giving us wise precepts for life, but a relationship with God is now optional.
Some people (like John Lennon) believe that if we irradiate religion from the world, we will all live in peace. After all, according to Lennon’s song “Imagine,” if we had no religion, there would be nothing to kill or die for. That sounds good, but is it really true? Some of the twentieth centuries’ worst atrocities were brought about in secular atheistic regimes. In Stalin’s Soviet Union, twenty million people were killed. Mao’s Cultural Revolution in China resulted in sixty-five million deaths. Clearly getting rid of religion is not a one-way ticket to world peace.
Using the Bible for life’s principles, or ignoring God altogether do not take away the burden of fear we all carry. Instead of alleviating our fears by giving us control over our lives through using proven formulas, it actually saddles us with a degree of responsibility we were never intended to carry. The need to manage every variable, control every aspect of our lives to ensure we are following prescribed principles makes our fear even more potent.
From
Joel was a Christian who had a weakness for alcohol, women, and gambling. His latest run of bad bets was now jeopardizing his business. He said, “I don’t go to church, but I know what is wrong and right. I am concerned God isn’t going to bless my business because of what I’ve done. I want to make things right with him. I can’t afford to have my partners and God against me.” (3)
Joel sought to use God to bless his business. He lives in the posture of life from God. People who see God this way want God’s blessings and gifts, but are not particularly interested in God himself. Sometimes living in this posture is called consumer Christianity, the prosperity gospel, or health-and-wealth preaching. Those who live their lives wanting something from God see God as a cosmic Santa Claus. Joel wanted to get back on God’s good side so that he could control the outcome of his business.
American Christians are raised with a consumer worldview, so we often believe that God exists to satisfy our consumer desires. This posture is appealing because it doesn’t ask us to change. Whatever we desire, seek, or do (all shaped by a consumer mindset) is not disrupted. In this posture, God’s value is determined by his usefulness to us. There is nothing wrong with asking God for things, but if this is the only way we see him, we place ourselves at the center of the universe, and expect God to orbit around us.
Consumerism serves to distract us from the pain we all experience. Is your marriage falling apart? Buy a sports car. Your relationship with your kids a mess? Get a new big-screen TV. When we use God as a means for repairing our families, or as a financial planner, we fail to experience the peace of his presence in our lives.
For
Rebecca is a senior at a Christian college. It has always been her dream to become a cardiologist, but she is debating whether to pursue her dream. “I’m not sure that’s what God wants me to do. I mean, does the world really need another cardiologist? I want my life to matter more than that. I want to something really significant, like becoming a missionary. I don’t want to reach the end and feel I missed out on a more significant life.” (4)
Rebecca is living her life for God. She believes she must sacrifice her own desires to do something really great for him. She wants to ensure significance and to control the outcome of her life by achieving great things for God’s kingdom. While it seems admirable to deny yourself and live your life for God, is this what he really wants?
Sometimes people will point to the Apostle Paul as someone who did great things for God. Yes, he did do amazing things. But, was working for God his primary motivation? In his letter to the Ephesians, (3:17-19), he writes this:
And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
When we live life for God, we subtly believe our value is determined by how much we achieve for him. Yes, we are meant to serve God, but we are not meant to be motivated by our fear of insignificance, but motivated by our communion with God. God’s work is important, but it cannot replace God himself as our focus.
So, living life under, over, from or for God is not the answer. What does living life with God look like?Tweet This
I’m so glad you asked that! Check out my next blog in which I will be sharing Jethani’s description of what life with God looks like.
Question: Have you related to God from any of these four postures?
May God bless you all today.
Caroline
I have been reading a really interesting book for my master’s program. It is called With: Reimagining the Way You Relate to God. The author, Skye Jethani talks about the four postures people typically take when relating to God. The following describes these four postures:
Under
Karen’s teenage son was struggling with severe depression and coping in unhealthy ways. His drug use only exacerbated the problems and led to more destructive behaviors. “It isn’t supposed to happen this way,” she said, with equal doses of anger and pain. “We have always honored God in our home. We have always done what’s right. We raised our kids God’s way – on biblical principles. There’s even a verse from Proverbs framed and hanging in our house: Raise up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it. Why is God punishing us? (1)
Karen relates to God in the life under God position, using simple cause-and-effect terms: we obey his commands and he blesses our lives, family and nation. People who live under God try to decide what God approves and disapproves of, then work hard to live life under God’s expectations. Karen tried to control God by her obedience.
The irony of life under God is that we are seeking to exert control over God through strict adherence to rituals and absolute obedience to moral codes. Through our obedience, we put God in our debt and expect him to do our bidding in exchange for our worship and righteous behavior. This is the posture I most relate to. The problem is, if I do everything “right” by following what I believe God wants me to do, and then my life falls apart, (and everyone’s life falls apart at some point), what do I do with that? Many teens growing up in Christian homes are told that if they worship God, give financially to the church, and abstain from immorality, God will bless their lives. But living righteously does not guarantee our lives will go well. When they don’t, these youths often become cynical and abandon the church and their faith in a God who doesn’t live up to their expectations.
We don’t want to believe that disaster, disease and death are distributed to all of us by chance, so we try to control God through our obedience in order to prevent these things from happening. But when disaster happens anyway, our fears are now compounded – we not only fear God’s creation, we now fear God as well. This posture does not deliver us from fear. It does not connect us to God. In many cases, it only adds a burden of guilt, fear and empty religiosity onto our backs.
Over
Mark was a pastor who read every business leadership book he could find. “The problem with most pastors is that they think they’re immune to market forces. They don’t understand the basic principles on which every organization rises and falls. I can’t stand all the spiritualizing that goes on at ministry conferences. Do you think the managers of Walmart sit around and contemplate?” (2)
Mark focuses on organizational principles rather than on prayer. He does not have much room for God in his ministry. He lives life in the life over God position. He seeks to control the growth of his ministry by employing “proven” principles. The mystery and wonder of the world is lost as God is abandoned in favor of proven formulas and controllable outcomes. Many Christians see the Bible as a divine instruction manual for life, where every problem can be solved by following God’s principles. The Bible is no longer a vehicle for knowing God it is demoted to principles we can used to control our world. When we view the Bible this way, we no longer need God. We might praise, thank and worship him for giving us wise precepts for life, but a relationship with God is now optional.
Some people (like John Lennon) believe that if we irradiate religion from the world, we will all live in peace. After all, according to Lennon’s song “Imagine,” if we had no religion, there would be nothing to kill or die for. That sounds good, but is it really true? Some of the twentieth centuries’ worst atrocities were brought about in secular atheistic regimes. In Stalin’s Soviet Union, twenty million people were killed. Mao’s Cultural Revolution in China resulted in sixty-five million deaths. Clearly getting rid of religion is not a one-way ticket to world peace.
Using the Bible for life’s principles, or ignoring God altogether do not take away the burden of fear we all carry. Instead of alleviating our fears by giving us control over our lives through using proven formulas, it actually saddles us with a degree of responsibility we were never intended to carry. The need to manage every variable, control every aspect of our lives to ensure we are following prescribed principles makes our fear even more potent.
From
Joel was a Christian who had a weakness for alcohol, women, and gambling. His latest run of bad bets was now jeopardizing his business. He said, “I don’t go to church, but I know what is wrong and right. I am concerned God isn’t going to bless my business because of what I’ve done. I want to make things right with him. I can’t afford to have my partners and God against me.” (3)
Joel sought to use God to bless his business. He lives in the posture of life from God. People who see God this way want God’s blessings and gifts, but are not particularly interested in God himself. Sometimes living in this posture is called consumer Christianity, the prosperity gospel, or health-and-wealth preaching. Those who live their lives wanting something from God see God as a cosmic Santa Claus. Joel wanted to get back on God’s good side so that he could control the outcome of his business.
American Christians are raised with a consumer worldview, so we often believe that God exists to satisfy our consumer desires. This posture is appealing because it doesn’t ask us to change. Whatever we desire, seek, or do (all shaped by a consumer mindset) is not disrupted. In this posture, God’s value is determined by his usefulness to us. There is nothing wrong with asking God for things, but if this is the only way we see him, we place ourselves at the center of the universe, and expect God to orbit around us.
Consumerism serves to distract us from the pain we all experience. Is your marriage falling apart? Buy a sports car. Your relationship with your kids a mess? Get a new big-screen TV. When we use God as a means for repairing our families, or as a financial planner, we fail to experience the peace of his presence in our lives.
For
Rebecca is a senior at a Christian college. It has always been her dream to become a cardiologist, but she is debating whether to pursue her dream. “I’m not sure that’s what God wants me to do. I mean, does the world really need another cardiologist? I want my life to matter more than that. I want to something really significant, like becoming a missionary. I don’t want to reach the end and feel I missed out on a more significant life.” (4)
Rebecca is living her life for God. She believes she must sacrifice her own desires to do something really great for him. She wants to ensure significance and to control the outcome of her life by achieving great things for God’s kingdom. While it seems admirable to deny yourself and live your life for God, is this what he really wants?
Sometimes people will point to the Apostle Paul as someone who did great things for God. Yes, he did do amazing things. But, was working for God his primary motivation? In his letter to the Ephesians, (3:17-19), he writes this:
And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
When we live life for God, we subtly believe our value is determined by how much we achieve for him. Yes, we are meant to serve God, but we are not meant to be motivated by our fear of insignificance, but motivated by our communion with God. God’s work is important, but it cannot replace God himself as our focus.
So, living life under, over, from or for God is not the answer. What does living life with God look like?
Tweet ThisI’m so glad you asked that! Check out my next blog in which I will be sharing Jethani’s description of what life with God looks like.
Question: Have you related to God from any of these four postures?
May God bless you all today.
Caroline
(1) Jethani, Skye, With: Reimagining the Way You Relate to God, (Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 2011), page 5-6.
(2) With, page 4
(3) With, Page 4
(4) With, Page 5
April 1, 2018
Do Christian Abuse Victims Have Rights?
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Have you ever heard someone say, “Christians should surrender their rights?” Does the Bible really teach that? How can this idea be used to keep a domestic violence victim in bondage?
The following was shared by Leslie Vernick as a guest blog by Rebecca Davis:
One of the things I write about on my website www.heresthejoy.com is untwisting teachings that have been used to keep Christians in bondage.
Though I’ve addressed the subject of rights before on my own site and elsewhere, this blog post is a slightly modified outline of a talk I gave earlier this month at a conference put on by Called to Peace Ministries in Raleigh, NC, www.calledtopeace.org, “Developing a Church-wide Response to Domestic Abuse.”
The sessions are available for viewing by contacting Joy Forrest at info@calledtopeace.org. That talk was based in turn on two chapters from my book Untwisting Scriptures: that were used to tie you up, gag you, and tangle your mind.
The teaching that Christians should surrender their rights, sometimes taught as “Christians have no rights,” is one that can be absolutely devastating in cases of domestic cruelty.
I’ve researched a number of books, blogs, and speakers and have boiled down the “surrender your rights” teaching to this:
Anger is sinful and is caused by insisting on personal “rights.” The solution to anger (which is always sinful) is to surrender or yield our “rights,” which means living as if we have no rights, like Jesus. When we surrender our “rights,” then God will bless us and bring us joy.
Notice that this teaching assumes that anger is always sinful, but the Scriptures show us there’s a place for righteous anger. In addition, grief can often look a whole lot like anger too. Also, notice the “scare quotes” that many of the no-rights teachers use, the quotation marks that imply that we have rights only in our imaginations, not in reality.
What does this “no-rights” teaching miss?
There are several things, but I’ll mention five here.
1. This teaching typically confuses vertical and horizontal relationships
The no-rights teaching usually says you should “surrender” all your rights to God (in what I call the vertical relationship), but what it ends up looking like is so-called “surrendering your rights” to other people (in what I’m calling the horizontal relationship).
Instead, a better perspective is for us all to remember that God has ultimate authority over everything, but this doesn’t mean a Christian should necessarily passively acquiesce to someone else doing whatever they want to do.
Therefore, let’s separate how we relate to God from how we relate to other people when we talk about rights. Also, it’s important to keep this in mind when we think about the word “surrender.” When a defeated army surrenders their weapons, they don’t have them anymore—the victorious army now has them. When a person surrenders anything, it is no longer theirs—it now belongs to the other person. Christians who have tried to “surrender their rights” have invariably found that the ones oppressing them violate their rights more and more and more.
2. This teaching misses the definition of “rights.”
The concept of rights comes from the concept of “what is right.” Even the word justice is related because it means “setting things right.” There are three kinds of rights that I know of:
Human rights
Human rights are true across time and around the world. The advancement of every civilization has come in large measure because of an advancement in their understanding of human rights.
Human rights are God-given, like facial features, and can be “surrendered” about as easily as you can surrender your facial features.
Tweet ThisHere are a few human rights that the majority of citizens in Western countries would agree on:
✓A right to life. This includes a right to safety and security.
✓A right to be treated with the same respect with which other humans are treated. This would include equal and just treatment under the law and a right to protection against unjust attacks on one’s honor and reputation.
✓A right to liberty, which would include a right to freedom of thought, including conscience, religion, and opinion.
✓A right to property. This includes a right to be free of invasion of the home and personal effects.
The Bible strongly proclaims human rights. Here are two examples:
Proverbs 31:8-9 says,
Open your mouth for the mute, for the rights of all who are destitute. Open your mouth, judge righteously, defend the rights of the poor and needy.
Isaiah 1:17 says,
Learn to do good; seek justice [setting things right], correct oppression; bring justice to the fatherless, plead the widow’s cause.
Some examples in the Bible of people who believed in human rights were David, when he ran from his authority Saul who was trying to kill him; Paul, when he escaped over the wall in a basket from the Jewish leaders who wanted to kill him; and Moses’ mother, when she hid Moses in the basket on the river from the authority who wanted to kill him. In each case, each person was acknowledging and valuing the right to life as more important than obedience to an authority.
Civil rights
Civil rights are bestowed by a government, ostensibly to reflect human rights. The closer the leaders of a nation are to the ways of God, the more the civil rights of their nation will accurately reflect human rights.
Someone in the Bible who stood on his civil rights was the apostle Paul when the Roman soldier was going to beat him in Acts 22. He told the soldier he was a citizen of Rome and shouldn’t be beaten. Clearly, Paul knew he had civil rights and had no problem claiming them.
Spiritual rights
Recently someone told me she had heard another Christian say, “In Christ, we have no rights.” But the opposite is true. In Christ, we have amazing spiritual rights. For example, John 1:12 tells us we have the right to be called the sons and daughters of God. Hebrews 4:16 tells those who are in Christ that we have the right to go to the Father’s throne in prayer.
Notice the following about the three kinds of rights:
Human rights are yours by virtue of being a human. They are God-given to all who live.
Civil rights are yours by virtue of being a citizen of your country. They are bestowed by the government.
Spiritual rights are yours by virtue of being a Christian. They are given to you in Christ.
In the case of civil rights, the government can take them away, or they can be rejected as a package by renouncing citizenship. In the case of the other two, human rights and spiritual rights, it is just as impossible to surrender them as it is to surrender your facial features. They are part of who you are.
So, this still leaves us with some questions. Like . . . .
What about Jesus “surrendering His right” not to be treated unjustly?
What about Paul “surrendering his right” to have a wife?
What about all the other “rights” that need to be “surrendered,” like my “right” to a certain parking spot at work?
That’s where the no-rights teaching fails in three more ways:
3. This teaching fails to acknowledge that genuine rights can be violated
If someone steals my car, I will acknowledge that God is over all and has known about this since the foundation of the earth and has all things under His control. But that submission to God’s wisdom and will doesn’t negate the fact that my human right to my own property has been violated.
Jesus lived a completely sin-free life, obeying all the laws of both God and man, but men beat him and pulled out His beard and put a crown of thorns on His head and nailed Him to a cross. We know that He endured all this to accomplish the prize and joy of our salvation. But this purpose of His doesn’t negate the fact that on the horizontal level, He still had a right to be treated like the completely innocent man He was. On the horizontal, His rights were violated.
When a wife is degraded in the bedroom, used for violent pornographic sex, defiled in her mind and harmed in her body, she might tell herself she needs to yield her rights, or she doesn’t have any rights. But this is wrong. Her rights are being violated.
4. This teaching fails to distinguish that we can refrain from making use of our rights
Some examples:
Bob lives in the U.S.A. and has the right to own a gun. He doesn’t own one for reasons of his own, maybe because he believes in Christian nonresistance. This refraining from making use of his rights does not mean that he has surrendered those rights. The rights are still his, and he could later change his mind and go buy a gun.
Sue has the right to vote. She decides not to vote in this election for reasons of her own, possibly to make a protest against government corruption. This refraining from making use of her rights does not mean that she has surrendered those rights. The rights are still hers, and she could change her mind at the last minute and go vote.
The apostle Paul had the right to have a wife. He decided not to make use of that right because he lived a dangerous life as he spread the gospel around the world. But the right was still his; till the end of his days he still had the right to marry.
Jesus had the right to call twelve legions of angels in order to avoid having to die. He didn’t make use of that right because He wanted to secure our salvation, but it was His right until the end.
If a marriage covenant has been rendered null and void through violation of the covenant, the offended party has the right to divorce. Even if he or she chooses not to make use of that right, for any of a number of reasons, it should still be clear that in the eyes of God divorce remains the right of the harmed spouse.
5. The no-rights teaching fails to distinguish between rights and desires
When I see no-rights or surrender-your-rights being taught, it has often been small, petty, or even ridiculous issues that have been presented as “rights.” For instance, as I mentioned earlier, they might talk about surrendering your “right” to a certain parking spot at work. Or they might mention your “right” to “do things your way.” But hopefully it’s clear from the discussion above that these things aren’t even rights at all. They’re only desires.
Rather than telling a person to surrender her rights and then leaving the definition of “rights” fuzzy enough to encompass almost anything, let’s help her distinguish what her true rights really are. And then when we’re talking about desires, we can encourage each other in our desires becoming more and more aligned with the heart of God. This part really isn’t about rights at all.
There’s another problem I’ve seen from the no-rights teaching . . .
Double standards are created. The “no-rights” doctrine applies only to certain rights, not others
In all the many books and websites I read that tell readers to surrender their rights, in the front of every one of those books and at the bottom of every website was the line “All rights reserved.” This is a double standard.
Let’s say a woman is in an abusive situation trying to “surrender” her right even to freedom of thought because her husband checks to make sure her opinion matches his. Then she hears her husband complaining to someone about how the government is curtailing gun rights. This is a double standard.
The “no-rights” doctrine applies only to certain people, not others
The no-rights teachers might compare the Christian life to traffic, saying that just as in traffic we yield the right of way, so Christians should “yield” our rights in life. But what they’re missing is that if every driver were to yield in traffic, no one would ever get anywhere. When one driver is yielding, the other driver is going.
In the Christian world, if everyone is told to yield their rights, then in practicality the ones who will end up “yielding” their rights will be the ones with sensitive hearts who think this practice will help them be the Christian God wants them to be. But in actuality, when they live as if they have no rights, these Christians are allowing their rights to be violated with impunity.
In every case of domestic cruelty I’ve seen, it’s the one who is being abused who has to give up the rights, while the one who is the abuser retains the rights. Make no mistake about this: When one person is “yielding,” another person is “going.” When one person is “surrendering” rights, another person is taking rights.
So instead . . . how can Christians encourage each other in the Lord?
Help Christians understand the truth about rights
✓Help them understand the meaning of “rights” and help them see what their actual legitimate rights are: human, civil, and spiritual.
✓Show what it means for rights to be violated.
✓Help them make wise decisions about whether or not to make use of their rights.
✓Help them distinguish between rights and desires (and help them in their maturing process of getting to know the Lord through His Word and listening to the Holy Spirit, who will lead their desires to be more and more aligned with the will of God).
✓Assure them that God is still over all and will eventually set all things right, executing ultimate justice.
✓Know that in the meantime, we as His people are not called to look on passively as others suffer, telling them to give up their rights. But we are called to help others, in accord with Psalm 82:3.
Give justice to the weak and fatherless. Maintain the right of the afflicted and the destitute.
Question: Have you ever been told you “must” give up your rights?
I pray that this blog will give you clarity about what the Bible actually says about human rights.
Bless you all,
Caroline
March 18, 2018
What Does “Laying Down Your Life” Look Like?
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We are often told that we should “lay down our lives” for others. The person that says this to us is often (but not always) trying to manipulate us. When they are trying to manipulate us, what they really mean is lay down your life for ME. Using the Bible to manipulate others is called spiritual abuse. Yes, it does say that we should lay down our lives in John 10:15 and John 15:13. Remember, however, that verses of the Bible are not to be taken out of context. We need to look at the entire counsel of God. Ryan Paulson of South Fellowship Church recently addressed the concept of laying down our lives in his weekly sermon . He made so many great points, I just had to share it. At minute 30 of the sermon, he says:
Because we live in a world that’s twisted and permeated with sin, we’ve seen the idea of dying to yourself abused, and taken advantage of. Where people in position of power try to manipulate other people and say well, you’ve got to die to yourself, which actually really means to live to my desires, not yours. But when Jesus invites us and calls us to die ourselves, he’s calling us to die TO ourselves, not to a death OF ourselves. In order to die to ourselves, we’ve got to first KNOW ourselves. Otherwise, we will just die to ourselves and live to what everybody else wants us to do! I love the way John Calvin puts it in the beginning of Institutes of Christian Religion: “Nearly all the wisdom which we possess, that is to say, true and sound wisdom, consists of two parts: the knowledge of God and of ourselves.”
If we don’t know ourselves, we will die to ourselves and live to whatever anybody else wants us to do.Tweet This
Let me ask a question: Is that what we see Jesus doing? NO! Absolutely not! Nobody wanted Jesus to do the things that he did. It’s the reason he was crucified. He gave them what they needed, he didn’t give them what they wanted. He lived to the Father’s will, not to their will.
Death to self looks like something different to every person in this room. For the people pleaser, death to self looks like becoming a truth-teller in some instances. For the fearful, death to self means embracing a life of faith and maybe a little bit of risk. To the stingy, death to self means becoming generous. To those who’ve been sitting on the sidelines, death to self means jumping in and taking that risk, going a little bit extroverted when your natural tendency is introverted. . . .or the opposite, right? To those who’ve been working their fingers to the bone and feeling like their soul is shriveling, can I just tell you, that’s not what God wants for you. That is not death to self, that’s not knowing self and living to whatever anybody wants you to do. Death to self might mean saying “NO!” Or, to some, death to self might be saying, “I don’t know.” A surrender of pride. A surrender of ‘I’ve gotta have my own way.’ To the adventurous, death to self might mean planting yourself firmly in the soil of community and staying, and being known, and going against some of the natural desires and the natural tendencies. Death to self is laying aside everything else and saying, God, what do you want from me? Not my will, but yours be done. Jesus says something really beautiful happens when we do that. . . .it actually allows us to really, truly, fully live. Which is what he’s after. . . . .you want to hold onto your life, you want to control everything? It’s going to kill you! But if you’ll let me, you’ll find out what it means to really, truly live.
It’s something hard to diagnose in ourselves. Have I died to myself? Let me ask you a few diagnostic questions that could help. How often do you get offended? We live in an easily offended culture and world, don’t we? We get offended at everything! It’s like a sport sometimes! I would submit that maybe you’re not dead in the way that Jesus invites you to be, if you’re often offended, because I think that’s pride showing. How often do you find yourself defending yourself? How often do you feel sorry for yourself and wallow in self-pity? I’m right, how dare they! I deserve fill-in-the-blank. How do you respond when you don’t get your way? How often do you say, “I’m sorry,” and not I’m sorry you’re a moron and didn’t understand what I was really trying to say, which is sometimes how we do it, right? Did you say sorry? Yeah, technically, I did!
What do we do with this? Here’s the truth of the matter: you cannot die to self by trying harder. You can’t! You can die to yourself by training better. So, if you were to train, what does this look like to release a little piece of yourself? The Christian community, for centuries, has said a good practice of learning how to do this is fasting. We don’t do that often in our culture, but it’s a great way to learn how to just. . . .in a little bit, one day, or one meal, die to self. You go, if I did that I’d be really hungry. Well, that’s part of the point! We can take that hunger and put it back to a God who says I’ll satisfy you and we can release some of our desires and take on his. Or maybe, you embrace what the early fathers would call a posture of simplicity or frugality. Maybe this week you don’t go out to dinner at all. Or maybe this week, you decide to not go to the store and just live off of what you have in your house. Most of us have enough, in our house, to live off of until Jesus comes back! You go, well, I wouldn’t get to eat anything that I want to eat! That’s the point! So, we’re training ourselves to die to some of our desires and to step into the way of Jesus, where he says death to some of our desires and our pride and us, is actually where life is found. That teaching changes the world. Here’s a quote by Jan Johnson, who wrote An Invitation to a Jesus Life: “Does ‘death to self’ sound too hard? It’s easier than living for self.”
Here’s how Jesus continues (John 12:31) — Now is the time for judgment on this world . . . We have this visceral response to this word ‘judgment,’ because we probably picture somebody with a sign on a street corner . . . We picture something like fire . . . I don’t know what’s in your mind, but we typically have a step-back response. What I’d like to present to you today is the way that Jesus talks about judgment we should all go “YES!” Finally! Because listen to what he says . . . judgment has two parts to it. The first part (he’s talking about judgment): Now the prince of this world will be driven out. That’s great news. He’s talking about the Satan, he’s talking about sin, he’s talking about death, he’s talking about evil. He’s presenting sin, death, and evil, personified in the Satan, with an eviction notice ‘You’re done!’ That’s great news. Paul will recount that in Colossians 2:13-15. I’d encourage you to read the whole section, but he finishes in verse 15 by saying that by the cross he’s forgiven us, he’s taken our debt, he’s cancelled it out, and he’s disarmed the powers and authorities, he made a public spectacle of them, triumphing over them by the cross. What’s his judgment? His judgment is this is not the good world that I created, and I’m turning it back to that world. I’m kicking the Satan, the Evil One, the one who’s behind systems of oppression, and racism, and manipulation, and keeping the low on the bottom and propping the higher up higher and higher . . . he’s like, I’m kicking the Evil One out! Literally, in the Greek, it’s exorcizing him. He’s throwing him out for being over us. We haven’t lived with him over us, so I don’t think we get the full weight of all that means. Suffice to say, it’s doesn’t mean the devil’s defeat doesn’t always mean the devil’s absence. So, we have this tension of what’s going on and we’ll talk about it more in a few weeks.
The second thing Jesus says is just as fascinating . . . all in the context of judgment: And I, when I am lifted up from the earth, will draw all people to myself. This is judgment. This is awesome! The cross is driving out evil and drawing in people. It’s driving out evil and it’s drawing in people. How many people? Jesus says all of them. 1 John 2:2 says that he’s atoned for the sins of the world, especially for those who believe. The sins of the world! In 2 Corinthians 5:19, it says that God was in Christ reconciling the world to himself. He’s drawing all people to him. Does it mean that every path leads to Jesus? No, but it does mean that people on every path are led to Jesus. His blood, and his death, and his life, and his resurrection is sufficient for every single person. We have this picture of judgment that’s presented as restoration . The word ‘judge’ literally means ‘to separate.’ It’s God looking at the world that he created, the world that he loves, and it’s him saying these things are right, these things are wrong.
People that live in a culture that’s been suppressed far more than ours has, long for the day of judgment. The day of judgment is like going into your chiropractor, and saying you have a kink in your neck. He looks at it and says that you do, that you’re all out of whack. He tells you to relax your head for a moment. How many of you find it really hard to relax your head in that moment because you know he’s about to break you? Judgment feels like he’s going to break us sometimes. Judgment is God looking at humanity, taking our head and saying relax, this might hurt a little bit, but you’re out of joint, you’re out of place, you’re not walking in the way I created you to walk. So . . . CRACK! That’s better. That’s judgment. If we don’t want to be bent, it feels like a fire. If we’re willing to surrender, it feels like refinement. But either way, it’s love. It’s love through and through, it just depends on whether you want to swim up that stream or get in line with it, but either way it’s love. Driving out evil—-if we aren’t ready to let go of our evil, we will be driven out with it—-and drawing in people. So, now when people ask you if you believe that God is a God of judgment, you can say, “ABSOLUTELY! Isn’t that great news?” Then you can explain: According to the gospel of John, Jesus is really clear. Judgment is driving out evil and drawing in people.
I thought this sermon was profound. Here are my takeaways:
We cannot tell others to die to themselves. We must choose to do this ourselves.
Each of us must strive to know ourselves before we can die to ourselves. If my usual way of dealing with people is to be a people pleaser, dying to myself might mean that I stand up and say “NO” to injustice. If my usual stance is to hang back and let others make choices for me or for society, dying to myself might mean I force myself to speak up. If I tend to be overly frugal with my money, I might need to push myself to be more generous. If I am a spendthrift, I may need to begin putting some money away in savings.
Dying to myself does not mean I try harder. If I do, that will usually mean I do more of the same I have been doing. Instead, dying to myself might mean I should do the opposite of what I would normally do.
When we hear the word “judgement,” we often squirm because we have a vision of God sitting up in the clouds looking down his nose at us and telling us we are wrong about something. Jesus puts this idea of judgement on its head. He put aside his glory to become one of us, living, eating, sleeping like a human. In John 12:31-32 Jesus says:
Now is the time for judgment on this world; now the prince of this world will be driven out. And I, when I am lifted up from the earth, will draw all people to myself.
Jesus’ definition of judgment is that he sacrificed himself for us in order to do battle with evil and drawing all people to himself. I love that!
Question: How have you interpreted the phrase “lay down your life” for others in the past?
I hope this helps clear up what laying down your life might mean for you. Bless you today!
Caroline
We are often told that we should “lay down our lives” for others. The person that says this to us is often (but not always) trying to manipulate us. When they are trying to manipulate us, what they really mean is lay down your life for ME. Using the Bible to manipulate others is called spiritual abuse. Yes, it does say that we should lay down our lives in John 10:15 and John 15:13. Remember, however, that verses of the Bible are not to be taken out of context. We need to look at the entire counsel of God. Ryan Paulson of South Fellowship Church recently addressed the concept of laying down our lives in his weekly sermon . He made so many great points, I just had to share it. At minute 30 of the sermon, he says:
Because we live in a world that’s twisted and permeated with sin, we’ve seen the idea of dying to yourself abused, and taken advantage of. Where people in position of power try to manipulate other people and say well, you’ve got to die to yourself, which actually really means to live to my desires, not yours. But when Jesus invites us and calls us to die ourselves, he’s calling us to die TO ourselves, not to a death OF ourselves. In order to die to ourselves, we’ve got to first KNOW ourselves. Otherwise, we will just die to ourselves and live to what everybody else wants us to do! I love the way John Calvin puts it in the beginning of Institutes of Christian Religion: “Nearly all the wisdom which we possess, that is to say, true and sound wisdom, consists of two parts: the knowledge of God and of ourselves.”
If we don’t know ourselves, we will die to ourselves and live to whatever anybody else wants us to do.
Tweet ThisLet me ask a question: Is that what we see Jesus doing? NO! Absolutely not! Nobody wanted Jesus to do the things that he did. It’s the reason he was crucified. He gave them what they needed, he didn’t give them what they wanted. He lived to the Father’s will, not to their will.
Death to self looks like something different to every person in this room. For the people pleaser, death to self looks like becoming a truth-teller in some instances. For the fearful, death to self means embracing a life of faith and maybe a little bit of risk. To the stingy, death to self means becoming generous. To those who’ve been sitting on the sidelines, death to self means jumping in and taking that risk, going a little bit extroverted when your natural tendency is introverted. . . .or the opposite, right? To those who’ve been working their fingers to the bone and feeling like their soul is shriveling, can I just tell you, that’s not what God wants for you. That is not death to self, that’s not knowing self and living to whatever anybody wants you to do. Death to self might mean saying “NO!” Or, to some, death to self might be saying, “I don’t know.” A surrender of pride. A surrender of ‘I’ve gotta have my own way.’ To the adventurous, death to self might mean planting yourself firmly in the soil of community and staying, and being known, and going against some of the natural desires and the natural tendencies. Death to self is laying aside everything else and saying, God, what do you want from me? Not my will, but yours be done. Jesus says something really beautiful happens when we do that. . . .it actually allows us to really, truly, fully live. Which is what he’s after. . . . .you want to hold onto your life, you want to control everything? It’s going to kill you! But if you’ll let me, you’ll find out what it means to really, truly live.
It’s something hard to diagnose in ourselves. Have I died to myself? Let me ask you a few diagnostic questions that could help. How often do you get offended? We live in an easily offended culture and world, don’t we? We get offended at everything! It’s like a sport sometimes! I would submit that maybe you’re not dead in the way that Jesus invites you to be, if you’re often offended, because I think that’s pride showing. How often do you find yourself defending yourself? How often do you feel sorry for yourself and wallow in self-pity? I’m right, how dare they! I deserve fill-in-the-blank. How do you respond when you don’t get your way? How often do you say, “I’m sorry,” and not I’m sorry you’re a moron and didn’t understand what I was really trying to say, which is sometimes how we do it, right? Did you say sorry? Yeah, technically, I did!
What do we do with this? Here’s the truth of the matter: you cannot die to self by trying harder. You can’t! You can die to yourself by training better. So, if you were to train, what does this look like to release a little piece of yourself? The Christian community, for centuries, has said a good practice of learning how to do this is fasting. We don’t do that often in our culture, but it’s a great way to learn how to just. . . .in a little bit, one day, or one meal, die to self. You go, if I did that I’d be really hungry. Well, that’s part of the point! We can take that hunger and put it back to a God who says I’ll satisfy you and we can release some of our desires and take on his. Or maybe, you embrace what the early fathers would call a posture of simplicity or frugality. Maybe this week you don’t go out to dinner at all. Or maybe this week, you decide to not go to the store and just live off of what you have in your house. Most of us have enough, in our house, to live off of until Jesus comes back! You go, well, I wouldn’t get to eat anything that I want to eat! That’s the point! So, we’re training ourselves to die to some of our desires and to step into the way of Jesus, where he says death to some of our desires and our pride and us, is actually where life is found. That teaching changes the world. Here’s a quote by Jan Johnson, who wrote An Invitation to a Jesus Life: “Does ‘death to self’ sound too hard? It’s easier than living for self.”
Here’s how Jesus continues (John 12:31) — Now is the time for judgment on this world . . . We have this visceral response to this word ‘judgment,’ because we probably picture somebody with a sign on a street corner . . . We picture something like fire . . . I don’t know what’s in your mind, but we typically have a step-back response. What I’d like to present to you today is the way that Jesus talks about judgment we should all go “YES!” Finally! Because listen to what he says . . . judgment has two parts to it. The first part (he’s talking about judgment): Now the prince of this world will be driven out. That’s great news. He’s talking about the Satan, he’s talking about sin, he’s talking about death, he’s talking about evil. He’s presenting sin, death, and evil, personified in the Satan, with an eviction notice ‘You’re done!’ That’s great news. Paul will recount that in Colossians 2:13-15. I’d encourage you to read the whole section, but he finishes in verse 15 by saying that by the cross he’s forgiven us, he’s taken our debt, he’s cancelled it out, and he’s disarmed the powers and authorities, he made a public spectacle of them, triumphing over them by the cross. What’s his judgment? His judgment is this is not the good world that I created, and I’m turning it back to that world. I’m kicking the Satan, the Evil One, the one who’s behind systems of oppression, and racism, and manipulation, and keeping the low on the bottom and propping the higher up higher and higher . . . he’s like, I’m kicking the Evil One out! Literally, in the Greek, it’s exorcizing him. He’s throwing him out for being over us. We haven’t lived with him over us, so I don’t think we get the full weight of all that means. Suffice to say, it’s doesn’t mean the devil’s defeat doesn’t always mean the devil’s absence. So, we have this tension of what’s going on and we’ll talk about it more in a few weeks.
The second thing Jesus says is just as fascinating . . . all in the context of judgment: And I, when I am lifted up from the earth, will draw all people to myself. This is judgment. This is awesome! The cross is driving out evil and drawing in people. It’s driving out evil and it’s drawing in people. How many people? Jesus says all of them. 1 John 2:2 says that he’s atoned for the sins of the world, especially for those who believe. The sins of the world! In 2 Corinthians 5:19, it says that God was in Christ reconciling the world to himself. He’s drawing all people to him. Does it mean that every path leads to Jesus? No, but it does mean that people on every path are led to Jesus. His blood, and his death, and his life, and his resurrection is sufficient for every single person. We have this picture of judgment that’s presented as restoration . The word ‘judge’ literally means ‘to separate.’ It’s God looking at the world that he created, the world that he loves, and it’s him saying these things are right, these things are wrong.
People that live in a culture that’s been suppressed far more than ours has, long for the day of judgment. The day of judgment is like going into your chiropractor, and saying you have a kink in your neck. He looks at it and says that you do, that you’re all out of whack. He tells you to relax your head for a moment. How many of you find it really hard to relax your head in that moment because you know he’s about to break you? Judgment feels like he’s going to break us sometimes. Judgment is God looking at humanity, taking our head and saying relax, this might hurt a little bit, but you’re out of joint, you’re out of place, you’re not walking in the way I created you to walk. So . . . CRACK! That’s better. That’s judgment. If we don’t want to be bent, it feels like a fire. If we’re willing to surrender, it feels like refinement. But either way, it’s love. It’s love through and through, it just depends on whether you want to swim up that stream or get in line with it, but either way it’s love. Driving out evil—-if we aren’t ready to let go of our evil, we will be driven out with it—-and drawing in people. So, now when people ask you if you believe that God is a God of judgment, you can say, “ABSOLUTELY! Isn’t that great news?” Then you can explain: According to the gospel of John, Jesus is really clear. Judgment is driving out evil and drawing in people.
I thought this sermon was profound. Here are my takeaways:
We cannot tell others to die to themselves. We must choose to do this ourselves.
Each of us must strive to know ourselves before we can die to ourselves. If my usual way of dealing with people is to be a people pleaser, dying to myself might mean that I stand up and say “NO” to injustice. If my usual stance is to hang back and let others make choices for me or for society, dying to myself might mean I force myself to speak up. If I tend to be overly frugal with my money, I might need to push myself to be more generous. If I am a spendthrift, I may need to begin putting some money away in savings.
Dying to myself does not mean I try harder. If I do, that will usually mean I do more of the same I have been doing. Instead, dying to myself might mean I should do the opposite of what I would normally do.
When we hear the word “judgement,” we often squirm because we have a vision of God sitting up in the clouds looking down his nose at us and telling us we are wrong about something. Jesus puts this idea of judgement on its head. He put aside his glory to become one of us, living, eating, sleeping like a human. In John 12:31-32 Jesus says:
Now is the time for judgment on this world; now the prince of this world will be driven out. And I, when I am lifted up from the earth, will draw all people to myself.
Jesus’ definition of judgment is that he sacrificed himself for us in order to do battle with evil and drawing all people to himself. I love that!
Question: How have you interpreted the phrase “lay down your life” for others in the past?
I hope this helps clear up what laying down your life might mean for you. Bless you today!
Caroline
