Caroline Abbott's Blog, page 6

How Childhood Trauma Affects Health Across a Lifetime

How Does Childhood Trauma Affect a Person’s Health Across Their Lifetime?
I recently heard a TedTalk given by Dr. Nadine Burke Harris that talks about how childhood trauma affects a person’s health across a lifetime. Even though I have written about this before, hearing it again still shocked me. Here are some of the alarming statistics she shared. Children exposed to high doses of trauma will have:

2.5 times the likelihood of contracting heart disease, lung disease and hepatitis,
4.5 times the likelihood of chronic depression,
12 times the likelihood of suicidality, and
a 20-year shorter life expectancy. 

What kind of trauma is she talking about? She is not talking about the normal things all kids experience, like failing a test, or losing a friend. No, she is talking about physical, emotional or sexual abuse, physical or emotional neglect, or being raised by a parent who has a serious mental health disorder or who is addicted to drugs or alcohol, parents who are incarcerated, or witnessing domestic violence in the home.
Where does Dr. Burke get her statistics? She gets them from the Adverse Childhood Experiences Study performed by Kaiser Permanente in conjunction with the Centers for Disease Control. They asked over 17,000 adults about their exposure to trauma as children. Surprisingly, 67% of these adults had at least one adverse childhood experience (ACE). One in 8 adults had experienced four or more ACEs.
What do these alarming statistics mean? Doesn’t this just indicate that children with a rough childhood will make poor decisions and take poor care of their health? Won’t they be more likely to smoke, drink, use drugs, etc.? Yes, this is true, but WHY? Childhood trauma actually changes a person’s brain. There are real, neurological reasons why people with high ACEs will engage in high risk behavior.
Interestingly, even if these adults DO NOT engage in high risk behavior, their chance of heart disease or cancer is STILL higher than those who did not have any ACEs. Tweet This
How can this be? The natural fight or flight response that all people are born with helps us run from a bear in the woods and can save our lives. The problem is, for children living with chronic abuse or neglect, this fear response gets activated over and over again. This changes the shape of their brains, their hormonal system, and even their DNA.
What Can Be Done?
Dr. Burke and her team began screening their patients for ACEs, and rather than just treating the symptoms, actually tried to prevent further adverse experiences by using:

home visits
mental health care
nutrition
medication when necessary, but mostly they
education for the parents on the harmfulness of exposing their kids to this type of trauma.

This seemed an obvious clinical protocol that all hospitals, clinics and doctors would want to take. Screen for ACEs, then treat them. She was saddened to learn that this was not as obvious to others as it was to her and her team. She realized to make these changes would take “a movement.” Dr. Burke quotes  Dr. Robert Block , the former president of the American Academy of Pediatrics, as saying, “Adverse Childhood Experiences are the single greatest unaddressed public health threat facing our nation today.” Hearing that can make this problem seem overwhelming. How can we possibly address it? Dr. Burke actually is encouraged by the enormity of the task. She points out that Americans have a good track record treating public health issues. She remarks that we as a nation have tackled the public health issues of tobacco use, lead poisoning and HIV/AIDS. Dealing with childhood trauma as a nation will take similar determination and commitment.
The ACE study has been available for 20 years. Dr. Burke wonders why our nation has not taken it more seriously? She thinks it could be because we don’t want to look at a problem that so many of us deal with. We would rather be sick than to look under this rock. She points out that the science is so compelling that (hopefully soon) our country will have to address this, if only because medically treating this high number of people will become too costly. She says,
“This is real, this is all of us. We are the movement.”  Tweet This
What Can YOU Do?
Many of you who are reading this are adults that have experienced multiple ACEs in your childhood. What can you do? Dr. Burke does not address this issue in her talk. From my (Caroline’s) perspective, knowing that your childhood trauma can affect your health and even your lifespan, can encourage you to get as healthy as possible. As a counselor myself, I highly recommend getting counseling with someone trained in counseling those with complex trauma. A good counselor can walk with you as you delve into the trauma you have had, to try to ameliorate its effects on your thinking and your life. You would also want to take care of your physical health, eating and sleeping well, getting regular exercise. If you are surrounded by toxic people, limiting your exposure to them will be to your advantage. (Note: if you are currently experiencing intimate partner (domestic) violence, I highly recommend talking to a DV advocate. Click here to find one. Ask them to help you come up with a plan to remain safe whether you stay or leave.)
If you are a parent of a child who has experienced trauma,

Limiting the child’s future exposure to trauma is your first order of business. One of the best things a parent can do is have a healthy relationship with their child, and give them as safe an environment as possible. 
Another is to become healthy yourself (see above).
Dr. Robert Block encourages parents, teachers, extended family to help a child learn resiliency. 

I will be talking more about this in upcoming blogs. Reading blogs like this one can make us anxious and fearful. If that is how you are feeling right now, remember that you are not alone. There are many people available to help you. Also, God is always with you. Isaiah 41:10 says:
So do not fear, for I am with you;

    do not be dismayed, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you and help you;

    I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Question: Have you experienced Adverse Child Experiences, or have your children?
I pray this information, rather than causing you anxiety will help you realize you are not alone, and will encourage you to seek help.
Bless you,
Caroline

 

Thinking Through If/When You Should Leave

[image error]Deciding whether to leave an abusive relationship is not an easy task. People who have never been in this situation often don’t understand this. Tweet This
In their mind, you are being abused, you should leave, ASAP. They don’t understand how incredibly difficult this might be for you. There are many things you might be struggling with. Here are a few:

You still love your partner
You are afraid of him
He has threatened to hurt you, your kids, your family, your pets, or has threatened to take your kids away from you
You have no financial means of support, and have no idea how you will live
Your abuser has taken away your self-esteem and you don’t think you can survive without him
Your abuser has ruined all your supportive relationships and you believe have no one around you to help you
You don’t want your kids to have a broken home.

If you are a Christian, you may have other questions:

Doesn’t God hate divorce? Will I be out of God’s will if I leave?
What if my friends and family don’t support me, and take his side?

I have addressed many of these questions in other blogs. Today, I would like to share a portion of my book A Journey through Emotional Abuse: from Bondage to Freedom where I answer some of these questions. Many of the questions are specific to Christians but many are common to all abuse victims.
What Questions Might You Have About Leaving?
In her book, Keeping the Faith, Guidance for Christian Women Facing Abuse, Marie Fortune, a minister and director of the Center for Prevention of Sexual and Domestic Violence in Seattle, discusses many of these questions:


“He* needs me now more than ever. How can he change without me to help him? Shouldn’t I stay and take care of him?”


Ms. Fortune answers, “As long as you are with him, you are an occasion for his sin. In other words, you are the one whom he feels safe abusing, and as long as you are there, he will abuse you; he will continue with his sinful behavior. This does not mean you are responsible for his behavior; it is not your fault.”
Your abuser’s best hope for change is to work with a treatment program for abusers. If you leave him, even temporarily, he may get the message you will no longer tolerate his abuse.


“I would like to talk with someone about my situation and maybe go somewhere safe for a while. But, I don’t think those people at the shelter are Christians. I’m afraid they may try to take away my faith.”


Ms. Fortune answers, “When your house is on fire, and you call the firefighters to come put out the fire, do you stop and ask those people whether or not they are Christians?”
I (Caroline) sought help from the National Domestic Violence Hotline and my local women’s crisis center, neither of which is specifically Christian. They obviously worked with Christian women who had questions about what God thought about leaving their abusive husbands. They were sensitive and kind, and did not try to talk me out of my faith.


“I don’t want to go to that shelter. No one like me will be there.”


Ms. Fortune responds, “You may be right; you may not meet anyone like you, but you may be surprised, too. Women of all ages, races, religious groups, and family styles are abused and go to crisis centers or safe homes.”
   4. “If I leave him, I don’t know how I will take care of myself and the kids. I don’t have a job right now. How will I pay the bills or rent an apartment?”
Many abuse victims feel this way. You may also feel frightened about living on your own, making all the decisions yourself, or simply be afraid of change. No one would try to tell you this would be easy. Keep in mind what Proverbs 15:17 says, “Better a meal of vegetables where there is love than a fattened calf with hatred.”
Also, be assured God will walk with you every step of the way. As He says in Matthew 6:25–27:
“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?”
God can guide you to the help you need. Do not be afraid to lean on Him and His people. You can turn to family, friends, and your church. In addition, your local women’s crisis center will be able to connect you with many resources in your community. This is a time when you can put your full trust in Jesus, possibly for the first time in your life. This may turn out to be a great time of growth in your faith as He fulfills your needs day by day. Psalm 9:9–10 says:
The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed,

a stronghold in times of trouble.

Those who know your name will trust in you,

for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you 
   5. “I’m afraid of losing my children. My abuser sometimes threatens to kidnap them, and the next day tells me he will petition for full custody. I’m sure he could do either.”
Fear of losing their children is probably one of the greatest reasons people stay in abusive relationships. Let’s take these threats one at a time:


Kidnapping—while some abusers will kidnap their children, this is a fairly rare occurrence. If your abuser did this after you got some kind of legal help and left with them, he would have to leave his home, his job, his family, and probably the state. He would become a fugitive and, if caught, would go to jail. Most often, this is an idle threat coming from a bully, which is in essence what an abuser is. When I left my abuser, thinking of him as a bully helped. Most schoolyard bullies make more threats than they actually carry out. Of course, this is not always the case. You know your abuser best, and need to go with your gut regarding your own safety and the safety of your children.


Full custody—your abuser may very well petition for full custody of your children. This is why preparing before you leave is very important, if that is at all possible. Check out this link for blogs that talk about this. Perhaps the thought of your abuser having any custody of your children without your protection gives you chills. Unfortunately, chances are good he will get some custody (or parenting time) with them, no matter what kind of proof of abuse you have. Keep in mind that right now, he is with them all the time, and in reality, you are not able to protect them at all. If they are with you part of the time, they will be able to see the difference between how you behave and how he does. When you leave your abuser, you show them that his abuse is not OK. This will make a big impact on them in the long run.




“I’m afraid if I leave, my abuser will physically hurt me. He has made all kinds of threats. He has even threatened to kill me if I ever leave him.”


This is one of the greatest fears abuse victims have, and is a very real fear. The most dangerous time for a victim is when she leaves her abuser—a proven fact. This is why you must do your safety planning, whether you plan to leave or plan to stay. Get the help of others, such as your local women’s crisis center, (click here for resources). They can help you discern whether leaving is your safest option, and they can help you with things such as getting a restraining (or protection) order. They can also help you find a safe place to go.


“Is staying ever safe?”


While leaving the relationship is usually safer, some women stay because they feel that is the safer choice for them. I have spoken to domestic violence advocates who say women come and stay at their shelter temporarily whenever their abusers are in the explosive stage of the abuse cycle. Then, when he moves into the honeymoon stage, they return home. If your abuser has not previously been violent , I personally think permanently leaving the situation before it becomes physically violent is better. Also, remember emotional abuse can be more damaging to the victim’s heart, mind, and soul than physical abuse. However, each woman must decide the best choice for her long-range safety and that of her children and pets.
Question: Which of the above concerns do you most identify with?
I hope that thinking through these answers will help you choose your best option.
Bless you,
Caroline

* Note: abusers and their victims can be either male or female. For ease of writing in this blog, the abuser is portrayed as “he” and the victim as “she.”

Steps to TRUE Reconciliation

Reconciliation. What does this truly mean? Many abusers beg or demand their victims to forgive them for their past behaviors, even though they take no steps to change their future behaviors. At this point, in the abuser’s mind at least, you are reconciled. They may even berate you for not feeling lovey-dovey toward them once you’ve had this conversation. The victim is then left with a feeling that they “should” be able to forgive, and there must be something wrong with them. Is this true reconciliation? I believe it is not. Karla Downing from Change My Relationship agrees. She has a brilliant YouTube video that describes what reconciliation truly is. The video takes about 7 minutes, and is worth the time. I will summarize it below:

Karla begins her video talking about her relationship with her husband. He had stopped doing some of his negative behaviors, but Karla still felt a wall between the two of them. If she ever mentioned his past behaviors, he would deny he ever did those things, or say that they weren’t as bad as she thought and that his behaviors didn’t hurt her as much as she believed. In other words, he trivialized her concerns and feelings. Because of his defensiveness, she felt she was not truly reconciled to him. She realized she needed to tell him she was not okay with this breach between them, that they were not completely reconciled. After they talked about it, he was finally able to do the steps she needed him to do. The reconciliation process Karla outlines is below. It can be used no matter who is the offender or what s/he has done. I focus on the actions of an abuser.
The Reconciliation Process


The offender must understand why his* actions have hurt you. The offender needs to fully grasp how and why his actions have hurt you. He should care about your feelings, be able to listen and not make excuses. Why was that abuse so hard for you? How did it make you feel? What impact did his actions have on your life? How much have you struggled and suffered?


The offender must grieve over his actions. You must see your abuser humbly, truly grieve over how his actions have hurt you. He must be truly sad and sorrowful for the pain he has caused you. He should feel some of the feelings you have felt. You can see him grieving, see his concern over how he has hurt you. In other words, he should empathize with you and your pain. 


The offender promises not to do these things again. Karla acknowledges that this is the only step many offenders will ever take. Has your abuser told you over and over again that he would never yell at you, hit you, rage at you, belittle you again? If he says this and then continues doing it, you know this step by itself means nothing. The most important step is step 4.


The offender must do WHATEVER IT TAKES to make SURE he will never do these things again. Basically, the abuser should proactively seek out help for himself. It should not be your job to do this for him. In my blog entitled  How Can a Victim Know If/When to Reconcile?  I list some things your abuser can/should do in order to make things right with you: If your abuser truly realizes he has been abusing you, he will freely confess it to others and renounce his former behavior in public. He might choose to read books about abuse, seek accountability partners, and/or meet weekly with a counselor who is trained to deal with abusers. The most important step he should be willing to take is to enroll in a group treatment program for abusers. He can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1−800−799−SAFE(7233) or TTY 1−800−787−3224) for information about programs in his area; many cities have treatment programs for abusers. Group abuse treatment programs are unlike any other type of counseling he might receive. Your abuser will be assigned to the program for a set period of time depending on how he has treated you in the past. The time period may be at least nine months. The treatment provider will be trained to deal with abusers, and will usually be able to see through lies he may try to tell about his current or past behaviors. Group members hold each other accountable, and aren’t swayed when he tries to portray himself as the victim.


If your abuser skips any of these steps, it will not be possible for your relationship to be truly reconciled. Sure, you might choose to forgive him, and try to move forward, but there will always be a level of mistrust between the two of you. Tweet This
I thought this video was brilliant. The abuse victims I work with are often made to feel it is their fault if they cannot get past the pain they have experienced at the hands of someone who is supposed to love and protect them.
Acts 3:19 (NASB) talks about the reconciliation/repentance process:
Therefore repent and return, so that your sins may be wiped away, in order that times of refreshing may come . . .
Repentance is a turning around 180 degrees from the former path. It implies humility, compassion, understanding of the sin you have committed and a true turning away from that sin. When a person truly repents, reconciliation with others can occur. Note: just because your abuser takes these steps does not mean you MUST reconcile with him, only that it will be possible for you to do so.
Question: Does anything in this video ring true with you? What steps have been skipped in your abuser’s attempts to reconcile with you?
I hope this video brings clarity about why you might still feel a breach in your relationships. I pray those who wrong you will be willing to go through the steps toward true reconciliation.
Caroline

*Note, abusers and their victims can be male or female. In this blog, for ease of writing, I portray the abuser as “he” and the victim as “she.”

Biblical Grounds for Divorce

[image error]Abuse victims in the church are often kept in bondage because they are told that abuse is not “biblical grounds for divorce.” Leslie Vernick disagrees, (and so do I). In a recent blog , Leslie answered the question,
“What are biblical grounds for divorce when there is emotional, financial, physical and spiritual abuse?” 
Here is Leslie’s excellent answer.
I get asked this question a lot and I think the Church is slowly beginning to wake up to the reality of abuse and the necessity of thinking through this question a little more thoughtfully.
First, marriage was ordained by God to be a loving partnership. It is to be a picture to show us Christ’s relationship with his church. Marriage is a special and intimate relationship where safety and love are mutually expressed (Ephesians 5:22-32). Proverbs 31:12 says, “Her husband trusts her to do him good, not harm all the days of his life.” This is the picture of God’s view of marriage.
I think for a large part the church has been more focused on protecting the institution of marriage than protecting those who are mistreated within that relationship. And, when an individual in that relationship is repeatedly abusive, destructive, indifferent, and deceitful towards his partner, the church hasn’t really provided adequate answers for the injured spouse other than forgive and try harder to make it work.
Adultery is one place where most church leaders agree that there are Biblical grounds for divorce. However, there isn’t always agreement on what constitutes adultery.
We know that the act of sexual intercourse with a person who is not your spouse qualifies as adultery.  But what about other kinds of sexual activity? Is an emotional affair adultery? Or habitually viewing pornography and masturbating? I believe they do qualify and I wrote a newsletter on this topic that you can read here.
However, adultery at its core isn’t about sex. It’s about a deep-rooted selfishness. It’s about wanting what you want and not caring that it will deeply hurt another person who you promised to love and care about. It’s about lying to get what you want or covering up what you did so that you continue to get the perks of married life with no consequences from what you have done. It’s about being controlled by your appetites and your emotions rather than by the Holy Spirit (Galatians 5:19-22).  Adultery breaks the marital covenant of trust and does harm to the spouse, and the Bible says that is grounds to legally end the marriage.
So the next question we must ask is this. Are there other behaviors that also break covenant and harm a spouse that constitute grounds for divorce? Is it only sexual intercourse with another person that qualifies as adultery or did Jesus and God use the term “adultery” as a metaphor for acts of marital unfaithfulness that may be expressed through a variety of different harmful attitudes and behaviors?
The Old Testament law said adulterers should be punished by death, not divorce  (Leviticus 20:10). So God must have allowed divorce for lesser “hardness of heart issues”.
God himself used the word “adultery” to describe his divorce with Israel for her unfaithfulness to their covenant but it represented a picture of her repeated idolatry and disregard for God, not a specific sexual act (Jeremiah 3:8).
When Jesus spoke to the religious leaders regarding marriage and divorce he knew that they were trying to trap him into contradicting Moses or endorsing their casual view of marriage and divorce (See Matthew 19).  Jesus did neither. He talked about the sanctity of marriage but he also reinforced that divorce was allowed because of the hardness of man’s heart.
To interpret the Bible correctly, we not only have to look at the original languages but also need to look at the culture to which Jesus spoke. In Biblical culture, men had all the rights, women did not. Men could divorce women (for any reason), women could not divorce their husbands.
But there are two different words for the term divorce throughout both the Old and New Testament. Our English bibles translate one word as a certificate of divorce and the other word is translated simply divorce. When you read what the Bible has to say about divorce, notice when it says certificate of divorce or just divorce because they mean different things in that culture.
The certificate of divorce was an official document of divorce where a woman was free to remarry. The other kind of divorce was a letting go of, or setting apart, or a getting rid of kind of divorce.  It was abandonment of the marriage but with no legal closure for the woman. This kind of divorce left a woman with few options.  She might remarry because she needed financial security, but she was not officially divorced.
It is this last kind of divorce that the Pharisees asked Jesus about and it is this kind of divorce that Jesus was referring to when he said that when you divorce your wife this way if she remarries, you make her commit adultery because she is not officially divorced.  Jesus wasn’t forbidding all divorce, but this particular kind of divorce.
The passage that is normally used to prove that God hates divorce is Malachi 2:16. Here’s what the verse says in the NIV translation of the Bible. “The man who hates and divorces (notice the word choice – not gives her a certificate of divorce but simply divorces) his wife,” says the LORD, the God of Israel, “does violence to the one he should protect,” says the LORD Almighty.  So be on guard, and do not be unfaithful.”
This kind of divorce, where a man abandons his wife is the kind of divorce God hates, not all divorce.  Some divorces are necessary and allowed because of the hardness of one’s heart. Unrepentant sin separates us from God and from other people. Jesus reinforces this idea that unconfessed sin breaks relationships.  For example, in Matthew 18 he says that if someone has sinned against us we are to go to him (or her) to begin the healing and reconciliation process. But when the other person refuses to listen and refuses to repent, the relationship changes.  Jesus then says, “Treat them as a pagan or tax collector.” In other words, every Jew understood that there is no trust or intimacy or friendship with pagans and tax collectors. You treat them with respect, but you aren’t closely involved with them.
We also see God protecting women in several Old Testament passages when it comes to divorce. Read Exodus 21:11 and Deuteronomy 24:12 for some examples.
I believe that when a spouse is physically or emotionally abused, chronically lied to, treated in treacherous ways, or living with someone who is repeatedly unfaithful, she (or he) has Biblical grounds for divorce.  The marriage covenant has been broken. An official divorce just makes that reality public and final. Tweet This
Long-term separation puts both spouses in legal nowhere land. They can’t remarry, but they aren’t reconciled. For some people, it might work but most individuals need the protection that the law provides so that one has access to a share of the financial assets that were accumulated in the marriage.
Churches can advise a woman to stay permanently separated and not divorced.  Yet are these same churches willing to provide the backup plan to help her pay her bills, her medical insurance, and retirement needs if her husband spends their entire savings on himself while she was following their advice?  I don’t think so.
So ultimately you have to take responsibility and stewardship for yourself, which includes your physical, sexual, spiritual, emotional and financial health and well-being. You can’t put your entire well-being in the hands of a counselor, or pastor, or doctor or any other professional or person without also using your own prayerful discernment about what the Bible says and what is the best course of action for you to take.
Thankfully in today’s culture, women do have more legal rights and laws are in place (at least in our country) to protect those rights.  One of the purposes of our laws and government is to protect us from those who would harm us unjustly. (Romans 13:1-5).
Wow. I was blown away by this article. The biggest “aha” moment for me was that there were two ways of saying “divorce” in biblical times, one where the man gives the woman a certificate of divorce and the woman has a legal right to remarry, and the other where he does not, and if she does remarry, she is committing adultery because she is not legally divorced. This shines a completely new light on Matthew 19:9 where Jesus says remarriage causes adultery. Thank you Leslie!
When I was leaving my abuser, my pastors misquoted Malachi 2:16 as saying God hates divorce. In reality, the person who hates is written in third person, and refers to the man who is doing the (illegal) divorcing. I wish I had known that then!! This clearly shows how taking the Bible out of context can cause so much pain. 
I have created a PDF document with bible verses about domestic violence. Click here . This document shares verses on the topics of:

Abuse is sin
Abusers look good to those outside the relationship
Separating from the unrepentant
Standing up to abusive behavior
Divorce for abuse
Remarriage.

I pray these verses will release you from any thoughts that God hates all divorces, and therefore, you should not divorce a hardened abuser.
May God bless you,
Caroline

Making the Church a Safe Place

[image error]In most churches, we feel we must put on a fake happy face when we walk through the doors. Are you as tired of that as I am? Pastor Ryan Paulson is too. Today I share a sermon he recently preached about depression and suicide and making the church a safe place for everyone. The sermon lasted 50 minutes. I share a portion of it here.
This sermon series was entitled Hills and Valleys, and was about the highs and lows the prophet Elijah experienced. First, Pastor Ryan talked about the highs Elijah experienced . . .
What do you do after you’ve been miraculously fed by ravens; they’ve brought you little cakes in the desert?  In a middle of a drought, you had a brook that gave you enough to drink.  You saw oil and flour not run out; miraculously multiplied over and over and over again; God’s provision that’s unmistakable.  You saw somebody raised from the dead, because you prayed and laid down on this young boy and he came back to life.  Then you stand on Mount Carmel and you call down fire from heaven and it comes down.  {Quick survey—How many of you have down ANY of those things?}  What do you do after that?  After that scorched earth is still breathing up the remnant of that fire, where you see these prophets that are slaughtered in this valley.  I mean, this is when, if you’re Elijah, you have people hoist you up on their shoulders and carry you down the mountain, right?  This is where you cue the confetti for the Super Bowl parade.  This is where there’s high fives and there’s no going back.  This is where you beat your chest and go, “That’s my God!” 
Then he talked about the lows Elijah experienced . . .
Only that’s not what happened!  As high as Elijah was on that hill, he drops almost immediately to the valley.
1 Kings 19.  We’re going to see more of the human, frail side of Elijah this morning.  I think maybe we can relate to that side of him a little bit better than we can relate to the side that calls fire from heaven and sees it happen. 
Verse 3 — Elijah was afraid and ran for his life.  {Wait! What??! You just saw God call down fire from heaven, dude.}  When he came to Beersheba in Judah, he left his servant there, while he himself went a day’s journey into the wilderness.  He came to a broom brush, sat down under it and prayed that he might die.  “I have had enough, Lord,” he said.  “Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors.”    I’ve had enough!  Have you ever been in that place?  I’ve just had enough.  I’ve had enough of the pain.  I’ve had enough of the doubt.  I’ve had enough of the questions.  I’ve had enough of the cloud that just seems to sit there.   God, I’ve had enough.  And yet, this is one of the prophets of Israel, this is one of the heroes of the faith.  One of the people we look to and go, “We should be more like Elijah.”  And what he says in this text is I’d rather die.  God, just come kill me now.  As much as he’s been on the mountain and he’s seen God work, now he’s in the valley of the shadow of death.
For some of us, there may be some cognitive dissonance there, because maybe we grew up in a church culture that said, “Well, faith is like the magic blue pill and when you take it, every one of your troubles goes away.”  If you’re depressed, if you’re upset, well all that means is you’re just not trusting Jesus enough.  Here’s what happens then—We start to play this game with ourselves where we believe the people in the Bible were sort of different from us.   If we do struggle with things like depression; if we struggle with things like suicidal ideation; if we’ve walked through, or are walking through, the valley of the shadow of death, this becomes an unsafe place to talk about it.  The place where we should find hope, we can’t because we’re unwilling to share the deepest parts of our pain and the deepest parts of ourselves.  I want you to hear as clearly as I can say it this morning, all throughout the Scriptures, we see people who are faithful followers of God struggling with mental health issues.  We see people all throughout the Scriptures who see God move mightily, and then say, “God, I don’t even want to live anymore.”  See Jonah (4:3) for example.  See David (2 Samuel 12:15-23) for example.  See the Apostle Paul (2 Cor. 1:8) for example.  After his ministry in Asia, he says:  We were under great pressure, {life was so hard there} far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired of life itself. 
It breaks my heart that somehow, some way, over the course of time, the church has become an unsafe place to say, “I’m not okay.”  I read a blog, this week, entitled “Proverbs and Prozac.”  This woman writes about her journey and says: “I joined a Bible study group at church.  The leader was an older, well-respected long-time member of the church.  When the topic of depression came up, her response was,
‘If you are truly a Christian, you should never be depressed.’ NOT TRUE! Tweet This
‘You have no need for antidepressants, you have Jesus.’  With comments and attitudes like that, is it any wonder we put on our church masks on Sunday mornings?  We end up keeping secrets; fearing we will be judged ‘not good enough’ or even ‘not a real Christian.’
I think we’ve gotten this wrong!  Somehow we’ve said that in order to be a follower of Jesus, you’ve got to have it all together.  The only problem with that is the people who told us about Jesus didn’t have it all together.  So I just want you to know, if you’re here today and you struggle with mental illness, if you’ve wrestled through depression, if you’ve even had thoughts of taking your own life, I want you to know, we see you.  This is a safe place.  We’re for you.  We love you.  You do not have to have it all together to be welcomed here. 
It’s okay to not be okay. Tweet This
I know for some of you it was a struggle just to get out of bed this morning.  To get your clothes on.  To put one foot in front of the other.  To decide I’m going to go after it again.  I know for some of you, walking in the doors of a place like this just raises your fear, raises your anxiety, your heart beats fast the entire time you’re in here.  I just want you to know, I’m proud of you.  Good job!  We see you.  We love you.  We care about you.  It’s a safe place to not be okay.
One of the greatest preachers the church has ever known, Charles Spurgeon, very publicly wrestled with depression.  Here’s what he wrote:  “Fits of depression come over the most of us.  Usually cheerful as we may be, we are at intervals cast down.  The strong are not always vigorous, the wise not always ready, the brave not always courageous, and the joyous not always happy.”   It happens to a lot of us.  The latest statistics would suggest that somewhere between 15-20% of adults in America struggle with, or will struggle with, depression of some sort.  There’s a number of different reasons for that, but if you hear nothing else from me today, please hear me say that there’s no simple answer for depression.  There’s no simple ‘this is why.’  It’s way more complicated than that.
Oftentimes, depression leads to this gloom, this sadness, this type of feeling of doom, where we don’t see any way out.  Just like Elijah, there’s people who’ve said, “I’ve had enough.”  Instead of saying to God, “Take my life,” they’ve taken their own.  Suicide is the tenth leading cause of death in America today.  But listen to this, it’s the LEADING cause for death of people ages 10-24.  Let that sit on us for a second, you guys.  For our middle schoolers and our high schoolers and our college students, the leading cause for death amongst ages 10-24 is suicide. You guys, this is an epidemic!  If it doesn’t break our hearts as the church, then we’re not adequately valuing the image of God that he’s placed in every single human being that walks the face of this earth.
We’ve got to enter into that pain a little bit this morning.  I feel that God has sent me on a mission.  One is to break the silence.  To say that as a church, these are things we’re going to talk about, we need to talk about.  We cannot be silent on one of the most important issues of our day, and our time, and we will not be.  The first is to break the silence.  The second is to bring hope.  I am convinced that God has designed us for life and life abundant.  That’s not easy, but it’s possible.  If you feel like you’re at the end of your rope today, I can’t say how glad I am that you’re here.  I know my words can’t change anybody, but I believe that the Spirit of God is living and active and at work in this place today, and I’m praying that you get a word of hope today. 
What the Scriptures are going to show us through Elijah’s life and struggle with depression and suicidal ideation is this:  We are holistic beings.  We’re physical, spiritual, emotional, cognitive beings.  And it all matters!  We’ve got to learn how to fight for our wholeness.  I’m so glad we’re a church that hosts things like Celebrate Recovery.  We’ve said this is so important to us.  And it is as a church.  That we have counseling available for people.  That we have mentoring.  I’m so glad that we’ve said we want to be a church that teaches people how to fight for their wholeness, for their life, for their vitality.
Pastor Ryan, I am so glad our church is a place we can be real, that we value all people, not just those that look good on the outside. Thank you for talking about a subject that is often taboo in churches. Thank you for opening your doors to the broken, because all of us are broken in some way or another. It is true that many churches are not safe places. This is because it is full of sinners. Thankfully, God opens his arms to us. Psalm 34:18 says:
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted.
If you have found churches and Christians to not be safe, I pray you will keep searching.
May God bless you all,
Caroline

Do You Know the Signs of Verbal Abuse?

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Does your intimate partner ever say you are too sensitive? Or say something cruel and then say, “I was just joking”? These are two signs that you are being verbally abused. I recently came upon an article that gives a great description of verbal/emotional abuse. Here is the link.

The author Martin remarks that, like all types of abuse, abusers use verbal abuse in order to manipulate and control their partners. They do this by eroding your self-esteem, which causes you to lose your ability to realize what they are doing, and to stand up for yourself. This type of abuse is very insidious, and hard to catch. Martin calls it calculated evil. A very apt description. We want to believe our loved one is unaware of what he* is doing, but that is not usually the case. According to Lundy Bancroft in his book, Why Does He DO That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, these people know exactly what they are doing, and they do it in order to get what they want from you.

8 Signs of Verbal Abuse identified in this article:

Yelling and Name Calling – An abuser will frequently yell at you when you do something he doesn’t like. Then he will justify his yelling by saying you did something stupid, selfish, etc. His yelling may silence you, which is what he hopes will happen. If this does not work, he may then resort to calling you names, or denigrating your body, mind, or actions.
Blaming You and Playing the Victim – An abuser will not acknowledge any wrong doing. Anything you might bring up, he will swiftly turn around and blame you. Whatever cruel thing he does, is because you did something that deserved that. He may pretend he is the injured party, and/or begin lying, “I never said that!” Soon, you may begin doubting what you saw and heard.
Shaming and Criticizing – Since your abuser does not want you to point out their faults, he will shame you for doing that, and will find things to criticize about you. Martin uses the following example. In order to get control of your finances, he will criticize your spending habits, and insult you. He will say you have your priorities wrong, and don’t know how to budget. Soon, you will begin second guessing spending any money. Maybe you are being selfish for wanting that shirt on Amazon. Now, he gets to spend money you would normally spend.
Use of Abusive “Jokes” – An abuser will say something hurtful to you. When you call him on it, he will try to deflect blame by saying “I was only joking.” He might follow this up by saying you are too stiff, and “can’t take a joke.” Since “normal” people have a sense of humor, he is now indicating you are not “normal,” further degrading your self-esteem.
Dismissing or Trivializing Your Feelings – An abuser does not care about your feelings, only about his. If you try to express your feeling of being hurt by something he said, he will say something like, “I was just telling you how I feel,” or “How can you be hurt by such a small comment?”
Use of Threats to Intimidate You – Often an abuser will search for embarrassing details about your life, then threaten to expose these details to the public. Or, he may threaten to leave you, taking your children. If he is becoming violent, he may threaten violence. All of these threats are designed to manipulate and control you into doing what he wants you to do.
Avoiding Discussion on His Treatment of You – Though he will never admit he is treating you badly, he knows he is. He just doesn’t want you to know it. He may avoid discussing his actions by focusing on the “wrong” you have committed . . . this means you “deserve” to be treated badly. He may refuse to discuss it. He may play the victim. He may use warped logic to confuse you. Whatever he does, he will deny or ignore your concerns about how he is treating you.
Causing You to Doubt Your Judgement – All of the above tactics are designed to prove that your abuser is right, you are not, and you need his help to live. You cannot make good decisions on your own. He will attempt to make you believe he is doing you a favor by being in relationship with you, because “no one else could love someone as messed up as you.” He may deny ever doing something you know very well that he did. This is a form of gaslighting . This behavior can make you begin to think you are crazy.

How Will This Affect You?

Psychologically – You will begin to doubt your self-worth, making it difficult to live confidently. Then, you will begin to turn toward your abuser for comfort . . . which you will never find.
Emotionally – Because your abuser does not value you or your emotions, or possibly becomes angry or dismissive when you express them, you will likely stop expressing your emotions. After all, in this relationship, his emotions are the only ones that matter right? Those swallowed emotions begin to affect you physically.
Physically – Your physically body will be affected by all the stress you are living under. Your health will begin to suffer, and diseases will become more common. When your health declines, you may become less attractive (think gaining weight) and experience even more negative treatment from him. Since he does not care about you or your health, he will shame you into not seeking help for your sicknesses, making them even worse.

How Can You Stay Sane?
Seek Education, Counseling and Support Tweet This

Educate yourself – Understanding what your abuser is doing will be your first order of business. Seeing what is really happening will free you from many of the effects of his manipulation and control. I had a hard time understanding what was happening to me when I was being abused. I found that many books described the dynamics of abuse well but did not take into account my desire to keep my marriage intact and to honor God by my actions. Because of this, I wrote a book for others to help them do this. I invite you to check it out.
Seek Counseling – The article suggests seeking counseling for the two of you. I highly disagree with that. You should never go to counseling with an abuser. This will make you even more unsafe. However, I do believe in finding a counselor for you. Many counselors do not understand the dynamics of domestic violence, and may give you bad advice. Therefore, it is important to find a counselor who specializes in domestic violence. If you cannot find one in your area, call your nearest domestic violence center and ask for a recommendation. These centers often offer free or very low-cost counseling. I often counsel domestic violence victims by Skype. If you are interested, you can contact me through my contact page .
Surround Yourself with a Support System – An abuser often isolates his partner. He may tell you that your best friend is trying to “control” you, or that your mother hates him, and if you want to be with him, you will cut her out of your life. Or, he may become obsessively jealous whenever you leave the house, accusing you of cheating. He may call you every 5 minutes while you are out. Because of these tactics, you may have lost touch with friends and family you were once close to. You can try to revive these relationships. You may also want to acquire new ones . . . your local DV center may have groups you can join. Check out this link for resources.

Being verbally/emotionally abused is no joke. It is dangerous to your physical, psychological and emotional health. It tends to get worse over time, not better. It is often the precursor to physical abuse, which can kill you. You deserve better. As a human being, you are made in God’s image. You are worthy of being treated well. You are valuable to the creator of the universe. He died for you:

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8.

Verbal abuse is very hard to recognize. I pray this article will help you understand how to do that. Once you are aware what is happening, you can then take steps to defend yourself. This blog has more information.

May God bless you today.

Caroline

 

* Please note that abusers and their victims may be male or female. For ease of use in this article, I portray the abuser as “he.”

Surviving the Holidays

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Surviving the Holidays
The holidays are supposed to be joyful and fun-filled. Sometimes they are, but often that is not our experience. The holidays can be especially painful for you if you are depressed, are mourning a loved one, or have recently lost your job. Note: If you are currently in an abusive relationship, check out this blog . You are surrounded by images of happy people sitting by cozy fires opening gifts together, or gathered around a table laden with wonderful food. You may have parties to attend where everyone is smiling and laughing. Because of your current pain, you don’t feel like smiling or laughing.
If you have recently had a tragic loss, you might decide NOT to celebrate the holidays at all this year. Give yourself some grace, and do what is best for you.
Even for those of us who have not had a recent tragedy, the holidays may be difficult to bear. Suddenly, your normally long to-do list becomes overwhelming. You may feel that you MUST:

Decorate your house.
Write and send Christmas cards to people you haven’t seen in years.
Buy presents for your family and a long list of friends.
Bake cookies and pies, and cook an elaborate Christmas meal.
Go to parties, or host parties at your house.
Open your home to family members, or travel to see family (some of whom you intensely dislike).

Who wouldn’t be anxious? Christmas is meant to be a time we enjoy. How can we get back to that goal? Tweet This
Limit Your MUST DOs
Does reading the long list of MUST DOs leave you feeling drained? I recommend you think long and hard about what is truly necessary. I will give you some examples.

I have eight boxes of Christmas decorations. My kids used to love a house filled with lights and decorations. Now, all my kids are grown, and I won’t get to see them this year. I have decided to only put up my Christmas tree for my grandkids and leave the rest of the decorations in the basement.
For years I sent hand-written Christmas cards to over 100 people. This year, I am taking off my list anyone who did not reciprocate last year. In addition, I will send my cards by email. What a time and money saver!
Thank God for the internet! Instead of fighting crowds at the mall, I can sit on my couch with a cup of tea by my side while I choose gifts for my friends and family. This year, the only shopping I did in person was at my church’s craft sale. The gifts were created by women from all over the world, who needed the income. Many of them had been sex-trafficked, or were in danger of becoming trafficked. Creating these items gives them income while encouraging their self-esteem. Now that is a shopping trip I don’t mind taking!
I used to make five types of cookies for my kids. Now, I do notwant all those calories, not to mention I have no time to spend baking. I won’t make any this year.
In the past, I went to every holiday party I was invited to. This year, I will only go to those I really want
We often feel we MUST have family members stay with us over the holidays. Is it possible that your parents, siblings or adult kids could stay in a hotel nearby instead? If you cannot tolerate Uncle Bob, you don’t need to host him in your home. And, if the idea of returning to your parent’s home for the holidays makes you hyperventilate, you can decide not to go this year.

In past years, we have had our adult kids and their kids staying with us. It is a blessing, yes, but can also add to the stress to the holidays. Our adult kids stay up way too late, laughing and talking loudly. It makes my husband (an early riser) very cranky, which makes me cranky. The last time they were here, I set a timer, and said, “When this goes off, please move to your bedrooms.” It worked! They actually went to bed when the timer went off!
Making dinners for 20 people is a challenge. Last year, we assigned one dinner to each of our adult kids for the time they would be with us. They gave us a list of ingredients, we bought them, and they cooked and cleaned that night. What a relief! Except for Christmas dinner, we decided to use paper plates for the time they were with us, rather than running the dishwasher three times a day!
These are just a few examples of ways you can make your holiday season less stressful.
DO the Things That Bring You Joy
Another idea is to actually do things that bring you joy. For example, do you love wrapping presents while sitting by a roaring fire? Do you have a favorite Christmas movie you love to watch year after year? Does going to a midnight candlelight church service bring back happy memories of your childhood? Make the time for things you truly enjoy and refuse to do the things that you don’t.
Romans 15:13 says:
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.
Bless you all.
Caroline Abbott

The Voice of a Sexual Abuse Survivor

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The more I work with domestic violence survivors, the more I realize how many have been sexually abused as children. I am no longer shocked in my counseling sessions when someone begins sharing how their father, uncle, brother or cousin sexually abused them when they were young. I almost expect this now. How truly sad is this?
Recently, I heard the talk of Denver Seminary professor, Erin Heim, who was sexually abused as a child by a family member. She spoke during one of our weekly chapel services. Because Dr. Heim is a Bible scholar, she has a very unique perspective on the suffering she experienced. It was so awesome, I just had to share it. She focuses on childhood sexual abuse, but these thoughts can apply to domestic violence survivors as well. To hear the entire talk, (a little over 30 minutes), click here . For those of you without enough time to listen to the entire thing, I will summarize it below. I will begin my summary at minute 15 of her talk.
Dr. Heim points out that abuse survivors are often encouraged to hide what happened to them. She says that justice begins when we see, name and remember our abuse. She gives three examples of places where God sees the downtrodden in the New Testament. The first is Mary, the mother of Jesus, in her Magnificat, (Luke 1:46 – 56). In this song, Mary praises God for being mindful of the humble state of his servant Mary. In verses 51 – 53 she says:
[God] has performed mighty deeds with his arm;

    he has scattered those who are proud in their inmost thoughts.
 He has brought down rulers from their thrones

    but has lifted up the humble.
He has filled the hungry with good things

    but has sent the rich away empty.
Next, she talks about a father whose son was possessed by a demon. In Luke 9:38, this father asks Jesus to “look at” his son. He wants the Lord to see his son. Jesus does see him and goes on to heal him.
Her final example is of the criminal who died on the cross next to Jesus. Some think he was a thief, others think he was a murderer. In Luke 23:42, the criminal says, “Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.” Jesus promises to not only remember him, but that the criminal will be with Jesus that day in paradise. 
Dr. Heim says that God’s remembrance brings justice. He sees Mary, the boy and the criminal. The cry to be seen is the cry of the sexual abuse victim. She talks about Amber Wyatt , who at age 16 was raped in Texas. Not only was she not believed, but the people of this town harassed her and drove away from their town. Her rapists were never prosecuted. Erin points out that the poor often receive very little justice. There will always be those without power who will not be believed. Our “justice” system is often far from just. Justice will have to come from somewhere else.
Justice comes from being seen and remembered.  Tweet This
Jesus not only remembers abuse victims, but sees them in the midst of his shame. When we think about Jesus’ crucifixion, we see the physical horror of it, but miss the humiliation he experienced. Matthew 27:28 tells us that Jesus was stripped as the Roman soldiers mocked him. Later, as he hung on the cross, the soldiers cast lots to see who would get his clothing. Dr. Heim pointed out that what we often don’t realize is that Jesus himself was a victim of sexual assault. When we see paintings of the crucifixion, Jesus is wearing a modest loin covering. But this is not accurate. Jesus was hanging on the cross completely naked. The Romans had devised a punishment that was incredibly physically painful. But more than that, it was shameful, humiliating and degrading. As Jesus hung dying, his genitals were revealed to his mother, his followers, his murderers and the Roman soldiers.
The shame of Jesus forces us to see the shame of abuse victims. Jesus sees them, remembers their abuse, and stands there in solidarity with them. Jesus understands their shame because he experienced it himself. He brings the scars from his death with him into the Godhead. In Hebrews 12:2, the author encourages us to:
[fix] our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
What does it mean when it says, “for the joy set before him”? Did Jesus experience joy as he hung dying, naked before the world? No, his joy was looking forward to what his death would accomplish, the saving of millions. His joy does not erase the shame of his experience. Abuse victims also carry their burden of shame, although they did nothing to deserve it.
These victims can scorn the shame others try to place on them, just as Jesus did. Tweet This
Dr. Heim says, “That which intended to shame Jesus instead dignifies all those who suffer.” God experienced, God remembered, God saw and God redeemed his suffering and yours. She admits that she did not want to share her pain in front of everyone, but she had to share because she had a fire in her bones. The church is full of people who have been sexually abused.
The statistic is 1 in 3 women globally, and 1 in 4 or 5 women in the United States will experience sexual abuse. Approximately 1 in 9 men also suffer in silence. Tweet This
Dr. Heim concluded her talk with these thoughts:

We can take comfort in knowing our God is a god of justice. He sees and remembers what we have gone through that the world has forgotten. He is with us in our worst memories, walking beside us in our pain and trauma.
God longs to bring his justice near, and shine his light in dark places. This begins with victims telling the truth about what happened to them, and naming their brokenness.
Nothing is more precious for a victim to hear than, “I believe you and I would like to hear your story.” Not every victim will get to hear these words, which is profoundly sad.
Erin spoke to the victims who were no doubt sitting in that chapel. She said, “Your stories matter, and I believe you. No one would invent something so painful and shameful. I wish it had not happened to me. But even if no one remembers your abuse but you and your perpetrator, God sees and remembers, he bears witness to your story. You are not forgotten. Your pain is not erased. You are looked upon, acknowledged and remembered by the living God.”
The Christian church needs to get better at seeing, listening and acknowledging abuse because this is the only way to bring justice and healing to the victims. We need to demonstrate that God is a god of justice who wants to bring true healing.
Jesus is no stranger to sexual shame, and this is not a taboo topic. We don’t need to hold victims at arm’s length. Jesus is our advocate. He has experienced the trauma you have experienced. He declares victory in those dark places. In his death and resurrection, all wrongs are set right. No wrong will be forgotten. No hurt is too big or shameful. We serve a God that overcame shame.
When they get to God’s kingdom, he will: wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away. (Revelation 21:4). Their suffering, mourning and pain will one day be turned into dancing, (Psalm 30:11). 

Thank you, Dr. Heim for your courage and your willingness to scorn your own shame to help liberate others from theirs. I will close today with the prayer you prayed at the end of your talk.
“Jesus, we praise you that you remember me too, and that you will remember #metoo. God, we praise and thank you that you are a God who comforts us in our afflictions. I thank you that you have comforted me. I pray that you would use my halting words this morning to comfort those who need comfort, and to challenge those who need challenging. Lord, I pray that the church might become a safe place for survivors to share their stories, and find healing and rest that they so desperately need. Give us the courage to care more about people than about institutions and to care more about truth than reputation. We are in desperate need of your grace and your mercy. Would you grant us peace, Father, Son and Holy Spirit? Amen.”

Amen indeed.
May the Lord bless each of you today.
Caroline

Squashing your ANTs – (Automatic Negative Thoughts)

 

 

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In my last two blogs, I talked about how I have struggled with self-esteem issues, and what I have done to increase my self-esteem. I don’t feel I have fully arrived, but I have come a long way. Today, I put on my counselor hat, and share a counseling technique called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I recently read a great blog by Amy Clover founder of Strong Inside Out where she gives a cute twist to this, that she calls Squashing Your ANTs. Here is the original blog. 
Squashing Your ANTs
You deserve love from those around you AND FROM YOURSELF. The love starts here, friends, with you. We need to nip this in the bud and get you in a space that allows for the strength to move forward with your extraordinary life. Your ANTs are keeping you from exactly that.
Now, I don’t advocate killing things (I’m one of those hippies that puts bugs outside), but our
Automatic Negative Thoughts (ANTs) deserve to be discarded never to be heard from again. Tweet This
Let’s squash these strength-suckers, shall we? Let’s instill positive reactions that will serve us as we create the lives we want.
Here is my rendition of the exercise I did to squash my ANTs that you may be able to use to move forward stronger…
[A special note to those in a very dark place right now: do this exercise only under the supervision of a mental health professional, and skip it if he/she thinks it’s not the best idea for you right now. This exercise is not the best to do when you are feeling extremely low]


What’s the trigger?


What happened that caused this shift in your emotions and physicality?


What’s happening in your body?


What are you physically experiencing? Tightness, burning, aching, etc? Where?


What thoughts are you having?


These are your Automatic Negative Thoughts. Write out what you are actually saying to yourself.


Where do these thoughts come from?


Are you repeating to yourself what you have heard from someone else? Do you have a fear ingrained in you that is rooted in your past? Try tracking your thinking back to when you first started to say these kinds of things to yourself.


What evidence do I have to support these thoughts?


List both evidence for and against your thoughts. Is this thought true for me today? If you need an outside eye, ask someone who you trust, who supports you and truly wants the best for you.


How will thinking like this serve me or harm me in the long-term?


True or not, ask yourself whether beating yourself up like this will get you anywhere at all. What does it do? Motivate you to change? More than positive encouragement would? Has it worked up to this point? How does it affect your life, thinking like this all the time? How will it get better or worse if you hold onto these thinking patterns?
Choose One ANT to Attack at a Time, Then Take These Steps:


What is a positive, encouraging thought that you can start replacing this negative one with?


This can be an affirmation or a mantra that provides motivation. Encourage a healthy, positive mindset here.
Every time you start having these automatic negative thoughts, remind yourself of the fact that thinking like this won’t get you anywhere. Bring up this positive, encouraging thought to replace that negative one with.


What can I do proactively to nourish this strong side of me? What positive actions can I take to strengthen these new thoughts?


Make a list right now of proactive things you can do to break the cycle of negative thinking. Here are some ideas:

Pat yourself on the back with what you’ve accomplished; write down everything you’re proud of accomplishing.
List out what you’re grateful for.
Take a walk outside to connect with nature.
Do what you’re beating yourself up for not doing.
Encourage rest when you need it. Remind yourself that you can’t do everything all the time; balance is a good thing!

When these thoughts come up, much of our anxiety and fear come from focusing on what we can’t control. There is (literally) no use in doing that. You won’t solve it by worrying because you can’t control it.
I love Amy’s suggestions. I don’t always put them into practice in my own life, but hey, we are all works in progress!
When I doubt my own worth, I remember that I have infinite worth in God’s eyes. In Matthew 10:29-31, Jesus tells us:
Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.
Question: Do you have Automatic Negative Thoughts that rob you of feelings of self-worth? What will you do to squash these bugs?
I pray you will begin squashing these bugs and will let go of negative beliefs about yourself. May God bless you,
Caroline

On the Road to Finding Self-Worth

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 In my last blog , I talked about the things that have happened in my life that have caused me to have a core belief that I am not worthy of being spoken to by the people closest to me. I didn’t fully realize I believed this until I tried to teach how to have self-worth to the members of the domestic violence healing group I facilitate.*
Even though I don’t feel as if I have arrived at my destination of truly feeling worthy, I have made strides. I am much more confident today than I was 13 years ago when I left my abuser. I have done many things that have helped me over the years, and I hope you will find one or more of these helpful to your healing as well:
Practices That Have Helped My Sense of Self-Worth


Individual counseling – I have sought counseling at many points in my life. I think I have seen at least 8 different counselors over the years. All of that counseling has been helpful to me on my journey to learn to value myself. This is one of the big reasons I became a counselor! One of the counselors suggested I take a look at the negative things I tell myself. I was shocked by how often I did this, and how negatively I speak to myself subconsciously. Becoming aware of these negative thoughts is the first step to changing them. See my next blog for more on this.


Choosing wisely the people with whom I surround myself – After the episode with my so-called “friends” in middle school, I dumped the entire group that had ignored me for a month. I chose a different friend who was loyal and encouraging. As I grew older, I continued to surround myself with friends who were life-giving rather than life-sucking.


Support groups – In the 3 years after I left my abusive husband I joined three different support groups. One was at the Denver Safe House . Hearing others talk about what had happened to them, and the fact their stories were so similar to mine, helped me realize I was not a terrible person, and that my husband’s abuse of me was not my fault. I went to another group with a private counselor where we looked at some of our core beliefs. The final group was with some friends from church. In that group, we studied several books by Cloud and Townsend, the first being Boundaries (one of my all-time favorites!) and Safe People . We also studied Healing is a Choice by Stephen Arterburn. Going through these books with others helped me see that I was not flawed more than any other person, and that healing was possible.


Bible Study – I was a member, then a leader with Community Bible Study for 14 years. It was so healing to my heart to study the Bible with encouraging women. I gained a great understanding of God’s love for me, and the way people through the centuries have found peace through Him.


Remarrying – Marrying a loving, kind man has helped me immensely. Being as broken as both my husband and I are, we have had to work hard to understand each other and bear with each other’s brokenness. We went to couples counseling for 6 of our first 8 years together! Also, having step-children has repeatedly opened wounds that I gained in childhood. I have grown by leaning on God, friends, counselors and my husband to bear the pain I’ve received from them.


Becoming a DV Advocate and Counselor – Learning how to advocate for others has been very healing for me. Seeing others move past their abuse and into the light is so encouraging!


Writing two books and a blog – In order to write the books I’ve written, I had to do a lot of research, and read many books on healing. I can’t tell you how many books I’ve read, for myself, in order to write, and for my graduate degree in counseling.


Studying the Enneagram – This semester I am studying all the personality types represented by the Enneagram using the book The Wisdom of the Enneagram . I am Personality Type 1 – the Advocate. I am learning that people of this type tend to be very hard on themselves, often second-guessing themselves, and striving for a perfection that they cannot (nor can anyone else) ever meet. Seeing that some of my self-worth issues come from the way I was created from birth has also been healing for me. Ryan O’Neil of the group Sleeping at Last   has written a beautiful song for each of the Enneagram types. He also has a podcast that describes each type in detail. Powerful!


Receiving Mentoring – I have had the privilege of being mentored by two godly older women. One walked me through the ugly last two years of my first marriage, and for 2 years after that. She helped me keep my eyes on the Lord through one of the hardest periods of my life. The other I have just recently started meeting with. She helps me see my circumstances through the eyes of faith. I met both of these ladies by asking my church to recommend a mentor for me. What a blessing.




Having a Relationship with God –This is probably my most important resource. I spend time in prayer or Bible reading or journaling every morning. I am also a part of a great church with a vibrant ministry and worship time. The older I grow, the better able I am to hear God speaking to my spirit. I feel his infinite love for me and know that I am never alone. My relationship with God keeps me grounded and reminds me of my inherent worth as a human being, and how much the creator of the universe loves me.


Experiencing Inner Healing – I have had the privilege of receiving inner healing prayer. Having had years of counseling, I was amazed how much this sweet woman was able to help me uncover during our first prayer time together. I often sob through the entire hour and a half sessions, but leave feeling as if a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.


Listening to Christian Music – I love listening to KLOVE. The songs they play never fail to lift my spirits. Here are three current songs that I love. (You might notice all three are sung by women.) In the first, Francesca Battistelli is “breaking up” with fear. In the chorus she sings, “Fear you don’t own me. . . I ain’t got time for you telling me what I’m not, like you know me well guess what, I know who I am. I know I’m strong and I am free, got my own identity. So Fear, you will never be welcome here.” Another is “Who You Say I Am” sung by Brooke Ligertwood of Hillsong Worship. In the chorus she sings, “Who the Son sets free, is free indeed. I’m a child of God, yes I am!” The final one is “You Say,” by Lauren Daigle. In part of this song she sings:
I keep fighting voices in my mind that say I’m not enough

Every single lie that tells me I will never measure up

Am I more than just the sum of every high and every low?

Remind me once again just who I am, because I need to know 
You say I am loved when I can’t feel a thing

You say I am strong when I think I am weak

You say I am held when I am falling short

When I don’t belong, oh You say that I am Yours

And I believe, oh I believe 

What You say of me 

I believe


          Brings me to tears every time I hear it.
My point in sharing all these things is to demonstrate that

There is no magical “cure” for the wounds we have experienced,
We are all works-in-progress, and

3. Even though we are not yet whole, we can still have a meaningful, productive life. Tweet This
God sees us through a much different lens than that with which we see ourselves. He sees us through the eyes of love. He sees us as people he died for. In Luke 12:6-7 Jesus said,
Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.
Question: Have you tried any of the practices I listed above? If so, which one(s) helped the most? If not, which one(s) would you like to try?
I pray you will begin to understand more and more how very worthy you are.
Bless you,
Caroline

*If you are interested in joining our counseling group, “Healing from Domestic Violence,” please contact me.