Caroline Abbott's Blog, page 9

What Does the Bible Say About Domestic Violence?

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There is much confusion about what the Bible says about domestic violence, marriage and divorce. The Bible was not meant to be read out of context. Many abused spouses are told that “God hates divorce” and that “the only biblical grounds for divorce are infidelity and abandonment by an unbeliever.” Abusers often use the Bible to keep their victims in bondage, using verses meant to bring life and joy to validate their oppression of their spouses and even marital rape. God is not honored when we twist his word in this way.
Church leaders who do not understand the dynamics of domestic violence often add to the burden Christian abuse victims face. Not realizing that domestic violence is all about power and control, they give poor advice to victims who come to them seeking help. They often tell a woman to submit to her husband. Or, they might tell a man to be more loving toward his wife. Why is this poor advice? Since abusers have a great sense of entitlement, being more submissive or loving to an abuser will only increase their sense of entitlement, which leads to even more abuse. Instead, the church should support the victim while holding the abuser accountable for his/her actions.
Many abuse victims leave the church and their belief and trust in God because of this great misunderstanding of what the Bible says. This is tragic. Please hear me when I say:
God does not want any of his children to carry the yoke of slavery that is domestic violence. Tweet This
Using the Bible to condone domestic violence is called spiritual abuse. Abusers mis-use the Bible in this way purposely, to keep control over their victims. Church leaders mis-use these verses most often (but not always) innocently, because they have not studied domestic violence and don’t understand what the Bible truly says. Either way, the abuse victim continues in their bondage.
I have created a resource to speak to this problem. In it, you will see all the Bible verses that I have shared over the years in my books and blogs. You can access and download this resource by clicking here . Here are just a few of the verses I share in the resource:
Abuse Is a Sin
The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.

(Galatians 5:19-21)
Abusers Look Good to those Outside the Home Because They Usually Only Abuse Those Inside the Home
Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves. By their fruit you will recognize them. Do people pick grapes from thorn bushes or figs from thistles? Likewise, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. Thus, by their fruit you will recognize them.

(Matthew 7:15-20)
Separating from the Unrepentant
People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people.

(2 Timothy 3:2-5)
Standing Up Against Abusive Behavior
In 1 Samuel chapter 25, we see the story of Abigail and her husband Nabal. When Abigail’s fool of a husband speaks abusively to David and David is about to slaughter him and every male in his household, Abigail comes to the rescue. She doesn’t “submit” to her foolish husband. Instead, rather than following Nabal’s irrational wishes, she decides to protect her household.
What Does the Bible Say About Divorce for Abuse?
The Old Testament prescribed laws for Israelite women who were sold for the purpose of marriage, and foreign women taken as captives during war. Both these groups of women were allowed to “go free” (divorce) if it were possible they were going to be mistreated, i.e. abused (Exodus 21:7-11 and Deuteronomy 21:10-14).
What Does the Bible Say about Remarriage?
Discussing Deuteronomy 24:1-4, in Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage in the Bible,*  Jay Adams says the wife “becomes the ‘wife of another man,’ who is called her ‘husband.’ If she were still her first husband’s wife ‘in God’s sight,’ then she would be committing adultery here, and also bigamy. But she is not accused of that. No, she is clearly called the second husband’s ‘wife.’ Indeed, the first husband is forbidden to marry her ‘again.’ This obviously means she is not his wife after their divorce, or during her second marriage.”
If you find yourself in an abusive relationship and feel stuck because you are trying to honor God, please check out my book A Journey through Emotional Abuse: From Bondage to Freedom . This book walks readers through all the questions they might have, and all the steps needed to improve the relationship, or safely leave it.
If you have sought help from your church, and they have told you to submit to your abuser, or to be more loving, please check out my Domestic Violence Guide for Churches . This guide walks church leaders through the dynamics of abuse from a Christian perspective and gives suggestions on ways their church can become a safe haven for the abused.
Question: Has your abuser or your church ever used the Bible to keep you in the relationship?
I pray this new resource will be a blessing to you. You are not alone, God is on your side.
Caroline

 

*Jay Adams, Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage in the Bible (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 1980), 43-44.

Do Males Experience the Same Amount of DV as Females?

 

In last week’s blog, I compared a particular woman’s experience of domestic violence to that of a man. The week before, I shared “Patrick’s” story of abuse. From these two articles, we can clearly see that some men DO experience domestic violence at the hands of their female partners. Please hear me again when I say:
When this happens, it is just as awful and wrong as when a man abuses his female partner. Tweet This
Today’s article is not about an individual’s experience with domestic violence. Today, I am writing about statistics. We will see a comparison of the total amount of domestic violence committed by men against women versus that committed by women against men. The following was written by Barry Goldstein. It was originally shared by DomesticShelters.org. Barry Goldstein is a nationally recognized domestic violence author, speaker and advocate. He is the author of five of the leading books about domestic violence and child custody including The Quincy Solution: Stop Domestic Violence and Save $500 Billion. Barry is research director for the Stop Abuse Campaign and co-chair of the child custody task group for NOMAS. He has served as an instructor in an NY Model Batterer Program since 1999 and serves on the Editorial Advisory Group for DomesticShelters.org. Here goes:
When I was a boy, I learned about the differences between men and women, but it wasn’t until long after I became an adult and worked in the movement to end domestic violence that I started to learn about the differences between how men and women are treated. This is an important part of the context that should be considered when discussing the relative frequency that men and women commit gendered crimes like domestic violence and sexual assault.
Domestic violence and rape are horrific, life-changing crimes that are committed overwhelmingly by men against women, but people and organizations, including those dedicated to preventing this abuse, feel the need to speak as if there was a rough equivalency between men and women. We see language like “him or her” or “the offender” to make sure the rare times when a woman is the aggressor is covered. Certainly, men are victims of assaults from their intimate partners and sexual abuse, and the victims deserve support and protection.
Flawed Research Techniques
Women regularly adjust their routines and deny themselves actions men do not even think about because we can go virtually anywhere without risk of sexual assault. I never thought of this as one of my unearned male privileges until I worked in the movement because, in our society, this is just normal.
When I was in Hawaii to speak at an Institute on Violence, Abuse and Trauma (IVAT) Conference, I attended a workshop by two female professors who presented their research suggesting intimate partner assaults by men and women are about equal. Their government-funded study was based on seeking volunteers from “fathers’ rights” websites and asking how frequently they were assaulted by their female partners. The professors mentioned that most of the time when these male “victims” made reports to the police, no action was taken against their partners. The professors assumed this was because domestic violence against men is not taken seriously. They never considered that the police department, which will never be mistaken for a radical feminist organization, probably investigated the report and there was insufficient evidence to pursue charges.
This is the kind of flawed research that often creates screaming media headlines suggesting a false equivalency between men and women regarding family assaults. Many of the researchers, like these professors, are acting in good faith but do not have an adequate understanding of domestic violence dynamics to understand the context of what they were researching. They did not understand that a large majority of the men involved in a “fathers’ rights” website are themselves abusers and are 16 times more likely to make false reports than women. They didn’t understand that, based on research about batterer narratives, abusers often see their partner’s failure to obey them as provocation, so the men’s assaults are considered self-defense or otherwise justified.
A Belief That Abuse is Acceptable
There is a long history of society tolerating and even encouraging what we would now call domestic violence. The first law in the United States about what we would now consider intimate partner violence said husbands shall not beat their wives—on Sunday. There is no equivalent support for wives assaulting or controlling their husbands. This history matters because even though laws have changed, many men continue to believe they are entitled to control and discipline their partners.
In one of the batterer classes I teach, a man proudly said that he was a wonderful husband because he let his wife pick out the furniture. I pointed out that the implication was that he, as the man is entitled to make the decisions, but he let his wife make this one decision. The man said I misunderstood and tried to rephrase his statement, but always said the same thing because that was his assumption as it is for many men. The other men in the class started to laugh as they understood and eventually he joined them. In our sexist society it is all too easy for men to be oblivious to their sense of entitlement and male superiority.
Men Rarely Live in Fear of Female Partners
Some flawed research is based on counting the hits. On the surface it seems like the men and women are doing the same thing, but the researchers miss the important differences. Men are generally bigger and stronger, hit harder and cause more serious injuries. Men hit women to control them and force them to do what he wants. Generally, women hit men in self-defense, as a way to make their abuser stop his abuse. However, there are exceptions to all of these points.
The bottom line is that many women live in fear of their partners but it is rare for the man to be afraid his female partner will kill or seriously injure him. This is significant because the ACE (Adverse Childhood Experiences) Studies found this fear leads to a lifetime of health and other problems.
I like to use statistics but research about the frequency of domestic violence is extremely problematic. Women seriously under report abuse and men exaggerate. Statistics about murders are more reliable because there is a body. Looking at statistics about murders, serious injuries or emergency room visits it is easy to see the huge discrepancy between abuse of women and men. I believe it is important to discuss this important issue based on reality instead of a false equivalency because how the issue is discussed effects how society responds to these crimes.
False Equivalency and Child Custody
Context is especially important to understand domestic violence custody cases. Most custody cases involve good parents who love their children and so the cases are settled more or less amicably. In most of these cases, the mother received custody because she has always provided most of the childcare. The fathers sacrifice their interests because they love their children. When people claim custody courts favor mothers because mothers most often gain custody, this is what they are referring to.
The problem in the custody court system is with the 3.8 percent of cases that go to trial and often far beyond. Court professionals often call them “high conflict” cases by which they mean the parents are angry at each other and act out in ways that hurt the children. In reality, a large majority are domestic violence cases in which the most dangerous abusers seek to manipulate court professionals to regain control over their victims. The abusers win 69 percent of domestic violence cases, 73 percent of abuse cases and 81 percent of sexual abuse cases. This is why experts understand family courts are strongly biased in favor of (abusive) fathers. This occurs despite research that established mothers make deliberate false reports less than 2% of the time. This means, in a large majority of cases, the courts are forcing children to live with abusers and rapists.
During the twentieth century, 40 states created court-sponsored gender bias committees. Although they used widely varying practices over many years, they found widespread gender bias particularly against female litigants. In custody disputes, mothers were given less credibility, a higher standard of proof and were blamed for the actions of their abusers. New research from Joan Meier confirms the courts continue to tolerate this gender bias.
Repeatedly judges are using high conflict approaches based on the assumption that children need both parents equally. Practices that seek to force the parties to cooperate favor abusers who sought custody to regain access to their victims. The false equivalency between safe, protective mothers and dangerous abusers is belied by the research. Children need their safe parent more than their abusive one and their primary attachment figure more than the other parent.
One common example of gender bias is when courts treat mothers’ emotion or anger out of proportion to what it says about their parenting ability. It is based on the stereotype of the angry or scorned woman. At the same time court professionals judge fathers based on their usually good behavior in court and in public rather than their abusive behavior in the home.
The Meier research demonstrates that courts are strongly influenced by Richard Gardner’s arguably sexist theory that was concocted not from any research but by the beliefs of a man who reportedly supported sex between children and adults. At the same time the courts have been slow to integrate research from the CDC that demonstrates exposure to domestic violence and child abuse is far more harmful than previously understood. They have been slow to use the Saunders’ Study from the National Institute of Justice that demonstrates serious flaws in the knowledge and training of evaluators, lawyers and judges. And the courts failed to enact reforms in response to the 175 child murders that have occurred, at least according to one count, since the early 1990s by fathers involved in contested custody because they believed the tragedy in their community was an exception.
Conclusion
Discussions in the media and elsewhere that support the false equivalency between men and women do more than misinform the public and decision makers. They also serve to hide a dangerous problem and discourage effective solutions. The failure to understand the gendered nature of domestic violence crimes contributes to the more than 1,000 murders of women every year. Millions more women will live shorter lives because of the health consequences from continued exposure to the fear and stress abusers cause.
The United States spends over $1 trillion dollars every year to tolerate domestic violence. Tweet This
The Quincy Solution,which is based on proven practices in Quincy, Nashville and San Diego, could save about half of the money and most of the lives but creating the needed reforms is not enough of a priority.
Research like the ACE and Saunders’ studies are incompatible with claims the custody court system is working. The Meier study confirms the outrageous frequency that courts send children to live with dangerous abusers. Every year, dozens of these children are murdered by fathers the courts said were safe. Thousands more will die early from mental illness, drugs, suicide and other risky behavior associated with exposure to ACEs. Millions more will live shorter lives than otherwise expected because of this same exposure. The Safe Child Act is based on current scientific research. Accordingly, it is evidence-based, trauma-informed and multi-disciplinary. The Safe Child Act would make family courts safe for children, but the false equivalency contributes to keeping the real problem hidden.
I don’t know about you, but I am blown away by some of this information. Yes, some men are abused by their female partners. That is not in question. But, the sheer number of women and children that are in harm’s way because of the gender bias in the United States makes me want to vomit. I have worked with many of these victims personally, and their stories would turn your hair. If there were ever actions that could be described as evil, these are.
Isaiah 5:20 says:
Woe to those who call evil good

    and good evil,

who put darkness for light

    and light for darkness,

who put bitter for sweet

    and sweet for bitter.
As a society, we dare not call evil good.
Dear Lord, please turn the tide away from ignoring this evil that costs us billions of dollars, and millions of broken lives. Please open the eyes of lawmakers, judges, pastors, and the general population I pray. Give us all wisdom as to how to combat this evil. Amen.

Bless you all today,
Caroline

Comparing the Experiences of a Female With a Male DV Victim

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Last week I shared an article about a man being abused by his wife. This week, I share another blog from Crying Out for Justice.  In this blog, a female abuse survivor compares her abuse to that of a male abuse survivor. I found this very interesting. Before you begin, please hear me say this:
Female and male survivors of abuse are not in competition. Abuse is WRONG, no matter who does it or who receives the abuse. Tweet This
Here goes:
Saturday, I sat down with a friend to talk about our different experiences in our former abusive marriages. “Chris” was married to an abusive woman for 25 years while I was married to an abusive man for 12 years. We both wanted to discover what similarities and/or differences there were between our respective marriages.  This is just OUR story and we, over here at A Cry For Justice, are interested in your opinions and experiences, as well, regarding the variations between male and female abusers.
As a preface, it is important to explain that Chris and I had very different upbringings. I grew up to be a very insecure young girl by the time I married while Chris grew into a very secure man by the time he married. Thus, much of the contrast in how we reacted to abuse. Every marriage is distinctive; there is no way to categorize behavior by gender, most of the time, due to differing backgrounds and personalities. Here we go . . .
Emotional Abuse
I am sure I responded exactly the way my abuser wanted me to respond when it came to emotional abuse. I cowered under criticism for my mothering and cooking skills. I got to where I hid anything new I tried for fear of him picking at me. There was a relentless lack of love as my ex-husband bred insecurity in all of us. I absorbed every bit of this. As a woman, I found myself in my home . . . easily isolated .. . trying to pour myself into my husband and children. Indeed, my entire purpose for living revolved around the home. I lost my voice. Anything I said would be hit hard with a “Who told you that?!” or a “Where did you hear that?!” Nothing I said held any validity and my esteem plummeted.
Chris’ wife was very emotionally abusive, as well. Chris was a pastor and his wife criticized him non-stop. Every ride home from church, Chris braced himself for her verbal assaults as she ripped his sermons to shreds. She tore him down daily: “You don’t know how to lead! You don’t know the first THING about leadership! You don’t make me happy!” Chris said that he was always wrong and never said the right thing. He said that his wife believed that he was responsible for her happiness . . . and that she could never be made happy.
Chris said that, because he worked outside of the home, he was able to gain esteem from the serving he did as a pastor. While he dreaded going home, he said that he, at least, could leave every day and be around very loving people who appreciated him. His esteem struggled, but he was not at the bottom of the pit because of his ministry and because of his fantastic upbringing. His parents had instilled love and esteem into his being.
Physical abuse
Both of our former spouses were physically violent. My husband hurt me physically a handful of times. There was no way to get away and no way to hold him back if he was angry. Chris’ ex-wife threw fits of rage. She would pounce on him and hit him. Chris happens to be a larger man and he COULD hold her back at times. He did not live with a fear that she could beat him to death. HOWEVER, in the last year of his marriage, he did have to have the locks changed on his bedroom door for fear she would kill him in his sleep. Up until then, though, he did not live in daily fear.
Although Chris could defend himself sufficiently, the feelings associated with being attacked physically were very similar for both Chris and me. It is a terrible thing to have your spouse come at you, anger pumping through his or her veins. There is just no way to describe the alarm, isolation and betrayal. My spouse is supposed to stand by me, not turn against me.
Psychological and Social Abuse
My ex-husband would state that something did not happen that did happen. He would also tell me that he said something that he did not say; or that he did not say something that he did say. He was a master gas-lighter. I felt crazy. And there was no one to bounce things thing off of. I was too isolated to share this part of my life with anyone. Part of me really believed that maybe I was crazy. And if I shared this with anyone, they might think so, too.
Chris told me that he, too, was isolated. He would question himself, saying, “Am I really a terrible person?” Because of Chris’ vocational ministry position, he shared the abuse with no one. Telling anyone that his marriage was a mess would result in the loss of a career and a great deal of shame. His ex-wife regularly threatened him, telling him that if he left her or made her life less than happy, she would very tactically “ruin him”. Chris was set free when he did divorce her, did lose his career, and yet survived it all and is now thriving. Chris has victory.
Sexual Abuse
My understanding in my first marriage was that sex was only for men and that women were made to be used. It was painful most of the time. In my own little prison, I would literally cry out in my closet, “God? Is this all you made me for? To be used in bed?” I cried after sex 90% of the time, weeping alone in the bathroom. I dreaded it. It was demanded and Scripture was used against me “Your body is mine . . . ”
For Chris, it was an absolute denial of sex. His ex-wife would not have sex with him but now and then and when he DID want to have sex . . . she made him feel guilty just for a normal desire. It was a terrible and lonely life for Chris. Chris’ ex-wife knew he would be faithful to her. And she used and twisted this beautiful trait to her own advantage.
For both of us, there was no true intimacy in sex. It was only a tool. For my ex, it was a release (he would use that word) and a way to use me. For Chris’ ex, it was a tool of manipulation.
Spiritual Abuse
My ex-husband used Scriptures such as 1 Peter and 1 Corinthians 7:4 to control me. He used the ideas of submission and authority, as well. Chris’ wife used Scripture such as Ephesians 5:25 . . . “Husbands, love your wives and sacrifice for them . . . ” She insisted he sacrifice everything. She was a taker and devoured all resources they had between them. Using this Scripture, she demanded he give up all he was in “sacrifice”. I was amazed that a woman could be just as crafty when it comes to twisting Scripture as my ex-husband could be.
It seems as though our spouses used our greatest desires to control us. Abusers have a keen radar when it comes to utilizing what their victims need most. Tweet This
My deepest need was for security. My abuser daily pulled the rug out from underneath me. DAILY. Chris’ greatest need was respect. His abuser zeroed in on this and berated and minimized him every chance she got. Are there different desires for men and for women? And does this change the behavior of an abuser? Can we AT ALL categorize some of these qualities and say, “This is typical for an abusive man” or “This is typical for an abusive woman?”
It is definitely an area worth exploring.
Yes, I agree that this area needs more exploring. Next week, I will present one more perspective on the differences between male and female abuse.
Question: What do you think about this comparison? What does this bring up for you?
Psalm 11:5 says:
The Lord examines the righteous,

    but the wicked, those who love violence,

    he hates with a passion.
Whether you are male or female, if these stories of abuse sound like your relationship, please check out my Get Help page.
Bless you all,
Caroline
Note: To see other male abuse stories check out: https://cryingoutforjustice.com/tag/m...

Domestic Violence Experienced by Men

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For six years I have been a domestic violence advocate, helping abuse victims and survivors. The vast majority have been women. Having very little experience with male victims, I have often wondered what their experience might be like. Recently, a blog I follow called A Cry for Justice shared a male abuse victim (“Patrick”)’s story . I thought it would be good to share this.

The abuse I suffered was a product of dominance, but the gender roles were switched.  My wife was older, had a dominant personality and was used to getting her own way. I was a quiet and sensitive person from a loud, working-class area and used to being bullied.  Our relationship had sprung out of that power imbalance.
Initially, I was shocked by her sudden, disproportionate rages. They developed into violence within months of marriage, with knives thrown and a lot of hitting.  Her violence pushed all of my buttons from a childhood of being bullied, and I sometimes felt an impulse to hit back, but my strong belief against hitting a woman prevented me.
I never told my pastor about the violence at the time because it felt weak, and I figured I could defend myself. I did, however, tell him about the rages, and he backed her up consistently.  I discovered over the years that this was fairly typical, that the role of pastor often attracts people who don’t like conflict and deal with it by encouraging the more reasonable party to give in.
There was a subset of Christians, largely from Pentecostal circles, who saw a problem. They talked about “Spirit of Jezebel”, by which they meant a woman who doesn’t know her place.  I was told by several people that my wife was not submissive enough, and that I needed to “take headship”.  This deeply disturbed me, because I felt they were encouraging me to violence while deliberately avoiding the words.  They may not have been, but I think that if you give such vague advice to a young man struggling to survive, that will too often be his interpretation.
None of these Christians knew what was actually going on. The verbal abuse was crushing to start with — she used to scream with such intensity what a useless failure I was.  But this often escalated, and it was the worst if I was subdued because I had done something wrong.  She would make me stand still so that she could punch me in the face. I remember sitting with our two-year-old on my lap, while she held a knife to my throat.  Several times she swung a poker at my head with all of her force.
After one particular attack, I went around to the local Baptist pastor’s house, not realizing I still had glass in my neck. He was comforting, and suggested we come around for counseling.  We did, the next night. But when I told him about her violence, he corrected me. “Our violence. You need to own it as your violence too,” he said.  I explained that I had never been violent, but it was beside the point. I shouldn’t point fingers; who among us is without sin?
I received a similar response from other Christian counselors I sought help from. They were often caring people who wanted to avoid conflict and do something good, but they seemed to lack answers.  Their unique field was Christianity, and the only guidance they had from the Bible was:
     Wives obey your husbands

     Husbands love your wives

     Don’t get divorced unless there’s an affair.
Everything had to be answered with those three tools.  Unfortunately, I was just as bound by them. One Baptist pastor stood out from the others, because in the first few years of marriage, he saw my wife in a rage, then told me privately afterward that I needed to leave.  I was genuinely shocked. Divorce was a sin.
The only answer I could come up with was that I needed to love more. Surely, then whatever was keeping her prisoner to this would eventually drop away and she could be free to become a whole person.  I had to lay down my life, prefer to be wronged, forgive no matter what, and absorb her hatred like Jesus absorbed hatred on our behalf.
My wife quit work because she knew I would forgive her and would never force her to do anything.  She continued to abandon friendships, slept most of each day, left all of the housework to me, and although her anger was less frequent and mostly she was grateful and pleasant, it still came unannounced — sometimes with fists, other times with threats of self-harm.
I still occasionally wake from dreams that she has snuck into the room with a knife.
Eventually I accepted that I had no answers. That was the point where I think my faith went completely.  If even love Himself had no way to bring her freedom in His holy institute of marriage that symbolizes His love for the church, then what was the point?
I could see clearly that the kindest thing to do was to leave, and eventually I did.  Losing my God was like a second divorce to me, and I still grieve for it.

It is so sad to me that the church let down this poor soul. Only one pastor suggested he leave his abusive wife. Other pastors and counselors told him what I often hear from abused women, that, basically, “it takes two to tango.” Obviously, these people do not understand the dynamics of domestic violence. They also don’t know how to search for what the Bible says about domestic violence. With deficient advice like this, it is no wonder that Patrick has lost his faith.
But the most interesting thing to me was Patrick’s insight into one of the reasons WHY people often advise the victim to be quiet, that
“the role of pastor often attracts people who don’t like conflict and deal with it by encouraging the more reasonable party to give in.”  Tweet This
Wow! What an eye opener! 
Next week, I will share another blog where one female and one male victim compare their experiences.
Question: Have you received similar poor advice from others when you have sought help with DV?
In 2 Timothy 3:2-5, the Apostle Paul says:
People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people.
If you are suffering from emotional, physical, sexual, psychological, financial, (or any other type of) abuse, please check out my Get Help page. Many of these books focus on female victims. If you are a male victim, please don’t let that stop you. Good information is good information. You can also friend me on Facebook, and FB message me for assistance.
Many blessings to you all,
Caroline

Let’s Be Real

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Emotional healing is hard. We are often in the dark about why we do the things we do. For example, why do we leave one abusive relationship, and land in another? Why is our job never good enough? We leave a job because of relational issues, and the next job seems even worse. Why do we always hope for the best from our narcissistic parents, and are surprised over and over again when they put themselves before us?
One of the great things about getting a Master’s Degree in counseling is the great books I get to read. I recently read The Gift of Being Yourself: The Sacred Call to Self-Discovery by David Benner. There are many profound ideas in this little book. One of them is on pages 54 – 55. Benner writes:
“Freud noted that things about ourselves that we refuse to acknowledge are given increased power and influence by our failure to accept them. It is that which we avoid, he asserted, that will most tyrannize us.” Tweet This
So, if we refuse to see that we look to intimate partners to complete us, and feel “okay,” we will jump from one bad relationship into another. If we refuse to see that we are stubborn and don’t want to do what someone tells us to do (the definition of “work”), we will leave one job because the boss is “too bossy,” and, after moving to another, we will find that boss “too bossy” as well.
Disclaimer: If you are in an abusive relationship or have recently left one, you may believe the lies your abuser told you. Sometimes it is hard to know the difference between truth and lies. So, in this blog, I am talking about the truths YOU find about yourself, not those that an abusive partner or parent has told you.
Benner encourages his readers to begin accepting the things about themselves that they don’t want to accept. He notes that God accepts us as sinners, so, why can’t we? We can never be anything other than what we are at this moment until we are willing to embrace who we really are. Does the idea that you must accept the (negative) things about you before you can change them rub you the wrong way? Does it seem as if accepting these things gives them more power? In fact, the opposite is true. When we accept that we are …. needy …. stubborn…. etc., our acceptance weakens the hold these things have over us. We can be honest with ourselves, and then look around for some solutions. If we don’t do this, we live in denial, and we never heal.
I have often shared the idea that journaling can help you heal. I have been an avid journal writer for decades. In my journal, I tell it like it is. I write about EVERYTHING that I think and feel about my life and those around me. There is no pretending there. I never gave this any thought until a few years ago. I was working with a woman who was in the process of leaving her abuser. She had a hard time remembering all the abusive things her husband had done over the years. I recommended she write in a journal what he was doing, to get some clarity. She told me she had done that for years, but began thinking about how negative her words were. She did not want anyone to happen upon her very honest journals and think badly of her. So, she destroyed them. When she was finally ready to divorce her abuser, she no longer had any record of his abuse, for herself, or for the family courts.
When she told me this story, I realized I too might not like those around me to read my journals if/when I die. I have thought about this for some time. But that didn’t stop me from being truly honest each morning when I journal. Being “real” to myself seems more important than worrying what others might think about me.
A few weeks ago, I went to the memorial service of the wife of a man I know. I had never met his wife. Her adult son gave the eulogy. He talked about coming upon his mom’s journal that she started writing at a very difficult time of her life. He praised his mom that she only wrote positive, uplifting things in her journal. While he was talking, I thought again about whether I should be so honest in my journals. I thought about what it might be like for my kids to read my real thoughts about them when I was raising them. That might be hurtful.
I mulled this over for a few days and came to this conclusion. Yes, it might be painful for my kids to realize I was angry or disappointed with them at different times in their lives. At the same time, I know they know I love them. I decided it would be a disservice to my loved ones if I pretended to never have any negative thoughts or feelings. If I was “perfect,” like the wife of my friend, wouldn’t that set my kids up to feel like they “should” be perfect too? What would this say to my adult daughter when she struggles with her daughter’s sassy teen years? What about my son when he has marriage struggles? If I never write (or be honest with myself) about the times I get frustrated with my sweet husband, would my son feel like a “bad” person when he has negative thoughts about something his wife does?
So, I have settled this worry in my mind. I will continue to be real in my journaling. I may sometime in the future let my loved ones know that when I die, they may or may not want to read what I’ve written. But, if they DO read my journals, they will see that their mom was a real, and not a plastic person.
And as I am writing in my journals, I will also be honest with myself about my own character traits. Yes, I always want to be right and do the right things. Yes, I have high standards for myself and others. Yes, I can be impatient. I am not a plastic person. I am real. And I believe, like Benner, that when I accept these traits, I can begin to think about how I can change them. I won’t live in denial.
In John 8:32, Jesus says, “Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”
Question: Are there things about you that you need to examine? How would accepting the way you truly are help to free you?
May God bless you all today.
Caroline

What Lies Do You Believe?

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Many of us unconsciously believe lies about ourselves, others, and God. Being abused can mess with your mind. We begin believing the negative (untrue) things our abusers say about us. Then, without realizing it, we act on the lies we believe. An example of this is being told you are stupid. This might prevent you from seeking education (after all, you are too “stupid” to succeed), or a better job (who would want to hire someone as “stupid” as you). Another example is being told how guilty you are for your past mistakes. This might make you feel as if God could never forgive you, and you are unworthy. These beliefs can wreak havoc on your self-esteem, keep you stuck in bad relationships, and cause depression and anxiety.
What can we do to free ourselves of these negative beliefs about ourselves? We can begin replacing Satan’s lies with God’s truths.  Tweet This
In counseling, exchanging truth for the lies we believe is called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy . The main idea is that our thoughts affect how we feel, and our feelings affect the way we act.
Below, I list many lies abuse survivors might believe about themselves, followed by truth from the Bible. Thank you to my friend Lauren Parliament for this list. Take a moment to look over the list of lies, and note any you feel are true about you. Then, look at the Bible verse that is actually true. You might then like to write out those truths/verses everyday for a week to help you begin to renew your mind and memorize what is true about your identity. You can do this with index cards or in a journal. Whenever you find yourself saying one of these lies to yourself, review the truth by writing it and/or saying it aloud. The idea is to begin rejecting the lies you believe about yourself, and begin agreeing with God about what is true about you.
Lie – I’m all alone.   Truth – Matthew 28:20
And surely, I am with you always, to the very end of the age.
Lie – I must work hard so God will forgive me.   Truth – Romans 8:1
Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death.
Lie – I am far from God.   Truth – Psalm 145:18
The Lord is near to all who call on him,

to all who call on him in truth.
Lie – I am worthless.   Truth – Genesis 1:17
So God created mankind in his own image,

    in the image of God he created them;

    male and female he created them.
Lie – I’m just a sinner.   Truth – 2 Corinthians 5:17
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!
Lie – I don’t belong anywhere.   Truth – Ephesians 1:4-5
For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will.
Lie – I’m guilty and dirty.   Truth – Colossians 1:13-14
For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.
Lie – I’ll never be good enough.   Truth – Titus 3:5-7
He saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that, having been justified by his grace, we might become heirs having the hope of eternal life.
Lie – I just can’t get free from what I’ve done!   Truth – John 8:36
So, if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.
Lie – God did this to me. He must not love me.   Truth – Romans 5:6-8
You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
Lie – I’ve gone too far. Jesus could never forgive me for this.   Truth – Romans 8:33-34
Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us.
Lie – I don’t feel like God loves me right now.   Truth – Romans 8:35, 37-39
Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Lie – I should have it by now!   Truth – Philippians 1:6
Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.
Lie – I’m weak and I can’t think right.   Truth – 2 Timothy 1:7
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. NKJ
Lie – I am insignificant.   Truth – Matthew 10:29-31
Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So, don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.
Lie – I must work really hard and live up to other’s expectations.   Truth – 2 Corinthians 12:9-10
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
Lie – I am ugly.  Truth – Psalm 139:13-14
For you created my inmost being;

    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

    your works are wonderful,

    I know that full well.
Lie – My life has no purpose.   Truth – John 15:16
You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit—fruit that will last—and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you.
Lie – There is no power to change in my life.   Truth – 1 Corinthians 3:16
Don’t you know that you yourselves are God’s temple and that God’s Spirit dwells in your midst?
Lie – I can’t do anything right.  Truth – Philippians 4:13
 I can do all this through him who gives me strength.
As you regularly begin to fill your mind with the truth about your identity, your negative thoughts will begin to change. Instead of striving, performing, and hiding, you will begin to experience freedom, peace and rest in Christ. Don’t add stress to your life by thinking you MUST remember these verses. Give yourself grace, and relax. This exercise is meant to release you, not add additional burdens to your life.
Question: Which of these lies have you believed?
I pray you will begin to feel God’s love and peace as you replace the lies you have been believing with God’s truth.
May He bless you all today,
Caroline

 

Healing from Your Narcissistic Parent

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Last week, I wrote about what your life might be like if you were raised by a narcissistic parent. I began describing five steps that can help you heal from your upbringing. The two steps I shared last week are:

Accepting your parent’s limitations, and
Processing your feelings about how you were raised.

In today’s blog, I will share steps three through five. These are taken from my book, A Journey to Healing After Emotional Abuse. Note: It is possible for dads or moms to be narcissistic, and their children to be male or female. In this blog, for simplicity of writing, I describe a narcissistic mother and her daughter.
 Step 3: Understand Why You Have Struggled Separating from Her
Children of healthy mothers begin to separate from them around age two. This is when a child begins saying “no!” and “mine!” These mothers allow their children to separate from them gradually and naturally. Children of narcissistic mothers never learn to fully separate from them. An ignored child continues to try to fill her need for love by trying to merge with her mother like an infant. Conversely, a child who is engulfed by mother is not allowed to have her own needs, wants, opinions, or feelings. Neither the ignored nor the engulfed child gets her needs met, nor is she really able to develop a sense of herself apart from her mother.
Have you separated from your mother? One way to tell is to ask yourself if you speak negatively to yourself. Do you often think, “I’m not good enough,” or “I’m not strong enough”?
In order to separate from your mother now, you will need to understand how she projects her negative feelings onto you, understand and cope with her envy of you, and eradicate negative self-talk. Let’s explore these three.
Her Negative Feelings
Narcissists appear to be very self-confident. In reality, they are the opposite. Deep down, they loathe themselves, but don’t want to—or can’t—recognize the pain of that feeling. To deal with it, they project this feeling onto those close to them. This is why your mother often criticized (or still does criticize) you. She is projecting the negative things she believes about herself onto you. As a child, you most likely internalized and believed these negative lies she told you. Now, they have most likely become part of what you think about yourself. Understand and accept that this unfair projection was placed on you.
Envy
Though she doesn’t show it, your mother is envious of you. She has a very fragile sense of self-esteem. When she sees you succeed in something, it makes her feel bad about herself. The way she feels better about herself is to criticize whatever she feels envious about. For example, perhaps you just bought a house that is bigger than hers. She might criticize the amount of money you “wasted” on it, or the neighborhood it is in, or the “stuck-up” people who live there. In reality, she wishes she lived there.
Negative Self-Talk
If your negative self-talk originated from your narcissistic parent, you might find it helpful to consider the source. Now that you realize your mother has no ability to truly love or have empathy for you, projects her self-loathing onto you, and criticizes you because she envies you, it may be easier for you to logically see she is not a good judge of your character. If that is true, why would you listen to her opinion of you and allow her words to be the internal voice you hear inside your head every day?
Step 4: Strengthen Your Internal Being
The Collapse
As a daughter of a narcissistic parent, you may experience what Dr. Karyl McBride* calls a “collapse.” She describes it as someone popping your “self-esteem balloon.” This happens when you feel insulted or invalidated, and it triggers a momentary regression back to your childhood. Old memories of being ignored, demeaned, or humiliated come rushing back, making the current situation feel much bigger than it really is.
Does this happen to you? I know it happens to me. My step-kids most frequently cause my collapses. When my stepdaughter turns her head away and pretends she doesn’t hear me when I ask her a question, my self-esteem plummets, and I feel completely deflated. Her pretending not to hear me brings me back to the time all my elementary school friends thought it would be “fun” to give me the silent treatment for a month—for no reason.
The Internal Mother/Your Heavenly Father
Dr. McBride suggests using an “internal mother” when you have a collapse. Your internal mother would be your own maternal instinct, the intuitive voice that speaks to you and wants to nurture you and mother you. You may have experienced this when you were mothering the young “you” doll I described last week in using doll therapy.
As Christians, we have an even stronger ally than an internal mother, the Holy Spirit who lives within us. Our heavenly Father, through His Spirit, will strengthen your inner being. Tweet This
When you feel yourself collapsing, allow your internal mother, or the Holy Spirit, to remind you of your inner worth and how much you are loved. Picture yourself being held within loving arms, and rocked, like a small child. Try not to focus on the event that caused your collapse. Verbally tell yourself your old experience and your current experience are not the same. “That was then, this is now. This is different. I am in control.” Focus on being unconditionally loved. You will need that feeling as you move to step 5.
Step 5: Empower Yourself to Set Boundaries with Your Mother
If your mother is on the less severe end of the Narcissistic Personality Disorder spectrum, you may be able to tell her your feelings about your childhood and how her mothering affected you then and affects you now. You may even consider bringing her into therapy sessions with you (after discussing this with your counselor).
However, most narcissistic mothers will be unwilling or unable to empathize with you enough to look at their behavior in this way. In this case, your best hope of healing will be to set and hold reasonable boundaries with her behavior. Finding a counselor to help you through this process would be wise.
How Do You Set Boundaries with Your Mother?
You begin by explaining to your mother what behaviors you are no longer willing to accept. For example, if she calls you every day to tell you how to be a better daughter, you may decide this is too intrusive. You might say to her, “Mom, I have a lot on my plate, and I will only have time to talk to you for twenty minutes one day a week.” You can expect her to come back with “How could you?” or “How dare you?” followed by a description of what a terrible, ungrateful daughter you are. Or perhaps she will give you the silent treatment. You want to be prepared for her to react that way and to respond calmly with something like, “I understand this will be a change, and may be difficult for you, but this is what I’ve decided is best for me right now.”
No doubt your mother will call you tomorrow, and she may continue to do so often. (You are wise to simply not answer.) This may go on for the entire week, maybe even for a couple of weeks. However, over time, if you calmly stick to this boundary, she will begin to accept it. If you set boundaries in other areas of your relationship, such as leaving the restaurant where you are having lunch with her if she begins to criticize you, she should begin to treat you with more respect over time.
You Choose the Amount of Contact
You get to decide how much contact you have with your narcissistic mother. Your relationship may range from between relatively close to cordial to businesslike. If your mother is so toxic that having a relationship with her is not worth the strain on your emotions and health, you may decide you need to provide some distance from her life altogether, at least for a time. If she is willing, you can try to reunite with her later, when you feel more emotionally ready to deal with her. Be aware she may not want to reunite with you. You may decide your peace of mind is worth that risk.
What If Your Mother Is Dead?
If your mother is no longer living, you will obviously not need to set boundaries with her. But you may desire to write her a letter, describing your feelings toward her. You can then destroy the letter or symbolically “mail” it to her by putting it at her gravesite.
Growing up with a narcissistic parent will leave scars. Facing the truth about our parent(s), and setting boundaries with her or him, will empower us to move into a healthier future. Tweet This
God designed the parent to child relationship to be one of care and love. Ephesians 6:4 instructs parents:
Do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.
If you are an adult, it is too late for your narcissistic parent to raise you well. You can however, raise your children differently than you were raised.
Question: Does the idea of setting boundaries with your narcissistic parent make you anxious? What are you afraid will happen?
I pray this blog will help you find the courage to begin healing from being raised by your narcissistic parent.
Bless you all,
Caroline

 

*Karyl McBride, Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers (New York: Free Press, 2008).

Do You Have a Narcissistic Parent?

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Many of us grew up with emotional, sexual, or physical abuse. Did you? You may not have experienced overt abuse, but maybe you were raised by one or more parents who put themselves and their needs before yours. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5),* published by the American Psychiatric Association, gives the following criteria for someone with narcissistic personality disorder:

Having an exaggerated sense of self-importance.
Expecting to be recognized as superior even without achievements that warrant it.
Exaggerating achievements and talent.
Being preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty, or the perfect mate.
Believing they are superior and can only be understood by or associate with equally special people.
Requiring constant admiration.
Having a sense of entitlement or expecting special favors and unquestioning compliance with their expectations.
Taking advantage of others to get what they want.
Having an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others.
Being envious of others and believing others envy them.
Behaving in an arrogant or haughty manner.

Your parents may have had some narcissistic tendencies, but would not be considered to have narcissistic personality disorder. As with many psychological issues, there is a continuum. Some people would be at the mild end and others at the personality-disordered end of the continuum.
Growing up with a parent who falls anywhere on this continuum can be difficult and painful. Tweet This
Both mothers or fathers can be narcissistic. To simplify matters, I will use the example of a narcissistic mother. According to Dr. Karyl McBride, in her book, Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers,** if you grew up with a narcissistic mother, you may have realized at some point in your childhood, or early adulthood, that your life was less important to her than her life. In fact, she hardly saw you as a separate person. To her, you were just an appendage, sort of like another arm. Because of this, if you did something she didn’t like, she would become angry with you, because, after all, an arm should do the bidding of the person who owns it, right? Perhaps she wouldn’t show her anger, but would make you pay for it somehow. Maybe she would make you feel guilty for “hurting her,” or blame you for being wrong, or berate you for being stupid, cruel, arrogant, or any number of negative characteristics. She had no empathy for your feelings and didn’t really acknowledge you had needs of your own. You were primarily put on earth to serve her.
How might this have affected you?

You grew up without the unconditional love all children crave.
You were made to feel you had to earn love, affection.
When you were a child, you took care of your mom, at least emotionally, instead of her taking care of you.
You acted like your mom’s friend instead of her child; therefore, you knew things about her life a child shouldn’t know. For example, she told you personal information about her relationship with your father.
As an adult, you walk on eggshells around her, trying not to upset her, or draw attention to yourself, your needs, or your accomplishments.
You might still take responsibility for your mom’s emotional state, such as changing your behavior around her to keep her happy.
Even as an adult you apologize for things that aren’t your fault or aren’t in your control.
You have an ongoing internal monologue that says, “I need to . . .” or, “I should . . .” or, “I have to . . .”
You are very hard on yourself when you are not able to perform a role or task perfectly.

Healing from a childhood with a narcissistic mother will take time, and will sometimes cause you pain. In my book, A Journey to Healing After Emotional Abuse, I list five steps to healing from being raised by a narcissist. I will share the first two here, and the next three next week. As part of the steps, I recommend you write in a journal. Many people hate the idea of writing – it reminds us of our school days. You can relax. Journal writing is just for you. You can type it or write it, and you don’t need to use your best handwriting! Spelling and grammar don’t matter – this is for your eyes only. You don’t need to purchase a fancy journal, stapling loose leaf papers together works just fine, as does creating a file on the computer.
Step One: Accept Your Mother’s Limitations
Regardless of whether your mother is still in your life, you will need to mourn the loss of your ideal mother. Don’t deny the pain of living with a narcissistic mother. Write in your journal what an ideal mother would have been for you. Then, write what growing up with your mother truly was like. Be honest with yourself about what you have lost by having a mother who cared more for her needs than yours.
Perhaps the idea that your mother was incapable of real love and empathy is shocking to you. Maybe you feel guilty for even considering the idea. Here is an example that might help you think about this without guilt: a music tutor hands a four-year-old a violin and expects her to play a Mozart concerto. The tutor might feel disappointed, angry, and shamed she cannot teach the child to play the concerto, until she realizes the student is incapable of the task. Like the child in this example, most narcissists are incapable of giving authentic love and empathy.
 Once you accept that your own mother had, or has, this limited capacity, you will be on the road to healing the pain you’ve experienced in your childhood.Tweet This
Step Two: Process Your Feelings
This can be a painful step, and you might be tempted to skip it. If you do, the following steps won’t work.
In this step, I advise you to mourn the loss of your ideal of a perfect, loving, caring mother. All children deserve a mother (or father) who loves them unconditionally, thinks they are the most special child in the world, and would give up anything for them. This is the way God designed families to work. Your mother was unable to love you fully because something was broken inside her, not because something was wrong with you. She may have been a victim of her own childhood abuse or experienced trauma she was unable or unwilling to process. Take the time to be honest about your feelings of anger, sadness, and loss.
You don’t have to do the following therapy, but I believe it can really help you process your negative feelings, and begin to heal your heart.
Doll Therapy
Use your journal for this exercise.
I recommend what Dr. McBride calls “doll therapy.” I tried it, and I loved it. Go shopping and find a doll that looks like you did between the ages of three and eight. Here is a picture of my doll.

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Make sure you love the doll you choose. Bring her*** home and spend time talking to her. Put her on your bed, favorite chair, or couch, wherever you will see her often. Begin to mother her. Give her the love and attention you didn’t get from your own mother. Ask her what she needs from you now.
Write in your journal the things that come to mind. Begin at a young age, and slowly “grow her up.” Ask her what she missed out on in her preschool, elementary, middle school, high school, and even young adult years. Perhaps you wish your mother had been emotionally there for you when friends were mean to you in middle school, when you had your first boyfriend, decided what to do after high school, and birthed your first child.
I enjoyed “mothering myself” in this way. I kept my doll on a chair I sit in to spend time with Jesus every morning. One morning, I saw a sticky note (in my second husband’s handwriting!) that said, “What a wonderful little girl you are, so smart and funny.” A few days later, another note appeared that read, “You is kind, you is smart, you is important.” (This line is from one of my favorite movies, The Help.****) I kept those notes there for more than a year, using them to remind myself I now have unconditional love in my life.
Next week, I will describe the last three steps:

Understanding why you have struggled to separate from your narcissistic parent
Strengthening your inner being, and
Empowering yourself to set boundaries with your mother.

Question: Did you have a narcissistic parent? In what ways did that affect you as a child, and how does this still affect you?
Working to heal from being raised by a narcissist can indeed be painful. You may feel worse before you begin to feel better. In Matthew 5:4 Jesus said,
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
I pray you will feel God’s comfort as you go through this difficult process.
Bless you,
Caroline

 

*American Psychiatric Association, Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (5th ed.) American Psychiatric Association, 2013.

** Karyl McBride, Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers (New York: Free Press, 2008), page 151.

*** For simplicity’s sake, I refer to the doll as “she.” This will work whether you are male or female.

**** Mohamed Mubarak Al Mazrouel, Tate Taylor (2011) The Help (USA: Walt Disney Pictures).

Where Was God During Your Tragedy?

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Last week, I asked the question, “If God is loving, why is the world so evil?”  For those of us who have suffered greatly, we may be asking God more personal questions, such as: “Why did you allow this to happen to me?” and “Where were you when I experienced this?” And, quite possibly, this one: “Why didn’t you prevent it?” How does the Bible answer these wrenching questions? Philip Yancey has written a book entitled The Question That Never Goes Away: What Is God Up to in a World of Such Tragedy and Pain?* In his book, Yancey gives three answers to this question:
Answer #1: God is on the side of those who suffer.
He didn’t leave us alone in our suffering. Instead, He sent His Son to earth to redeem it.
Jesus didn’t come to earth with a great display of power, but came instead as a vulnerable child. During His life, Jesus saw all kinds of suffering, but He didn’t give theories about why suffering exists. Instead, He forgave sin, healed the hurting, cast out evil, and even overcame death.
Yancey writes: “For whatever reason, God has chosen to let history take its course.” He doesn’t wave a magic wand; He absorbs suffering in the person of His son, Jesus. Words don’t help during suffering; we need a suffering God. Jesus’ crucifixion was the worst crime in history.  So why do we call it Good Friday? Jesus said He could have called on legions of angels to prevent the crucifixion, but He didn’t.
God’s redemption of suffering goes through pain, not around it. Tweet This
Romans 8:28 teaches us about God redeeming suffering:
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
This verse can seem horribly insensitive when you are in anguish. Yancey doesn’t believe (as some do) that God sends us suffering to build our character. Instead, He redeems (recycles) the suffering we encounter in the evil world we live in. For example, when I send my used pop cans to the recycling center, I am hoping they will make something useful out of my trash. In a similar way, I am hoping God will make something useful out of the “trash” of the abuse I’ve suffered.
When we are in anguish, we can’t see how God could make anything good out of our tragedy. How will God recycle the abuse you have experienced? This will look different for each person. Many people attest that they felt closest to God when they were suffering the most. I remember feeling very close to God when I was terrified of my first husband. He was my only consolation at a time when my life seemed so dark. For some, God will use your tragedy to be a blessing to others in the future who are experiencing similar pain (2 Corinthians 1:4). For some, we will never know how God uses our pain until we see him in heaven.
Answer #2: “Where is God when we hurt?” He is in the church, God’s delegated presence on earth.
God designed His church to be a place of hope on earth. Unfortunately for many abuse victims, too often the church does not relieve suffering, but only makes it worse. I experienced this when leaving my abusive husband. However, if the church does its job correctly, it can be a real arm of healing. Many churches have abuse survivor support groups and food pantries; others sponsor women’s crisis centers and homeless shelters for women and children. If you are a member of a thriving, loving church community, you will have the opportunity to feel God’s love surrounding you through the arms of His people.
If you have experienced pain or confusion after looking for support from your church, I am so sorry. I know how sad this is. This is not the way God designed the church to work. Churches are made up of people, which means they are full of sinners. Though one or more individual church bodies may have hurt you, I hope you won’t give up on God’s global church.
Finding a group of Christians with whom you can be real will help you heal. This might be a support group, life group, Bible study group, or adult Sunday school class. The format of the group doesn’t matter as long as each member feels safe to let others see who they really are. In the group, hopefully, you will confess your sins to each other (James 5:16), be emotionally honest about your joys and sorrows (Romans 12:15), give and receive love (Romans 16:16), meet each other’s needs (Acts 2:45, Galatians 6:2), pray for each other (James 5:16), challenge each other (1 Thessalonians 5:14), and help each other if you fall into sin (Galatians 6:1).
You may need to search to find a group like this, but you will be blessed by it. It will begin to heal your relationship with God, others, and yourself. I personally recommend Community Bible Study (CBS), of which I was a member for many years. This is a structured Bible study with a lot of great fellowship built-in. I recommend you try it if there is a class near you. (Go to www.communitybiblestudy.org to learn more.) If you can’t find a CBS class near you, look for a Bible study at your church or a church nearby.
Answer #3: “What is God up to?” He is in Heaven, preparing a better place for us.
On the night He was betrayed, Jesus told His disciples that He was going to prepare a place for them (John 14:2). He didn’t describe it in detail, but if you take a look at the book of Revelation, you can see we will live together with Jesus, and we will worship Him forever in a place too beautiful to describe.
God Himself will wipe away our tears, there will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, and He will make everything new (Revelation 21:1-5). Tweet This
On days when I feel fearful, sad, lonely, or angry, I try to imagine how wonderful it will be to live there with Jesus. I try to remember that my years on earth will be brief in comparison to the amount of time I will live there. Imagining eternity is hard for me. To put it in perspective, I picture a ruler laying on the beach in California.
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I picture my life here on earth as one inch of that ruler. Then I picture my time in eternity with Jesus as the rest of the continental United States, all the way to the Atlantic Ocean.
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How wonderful and infinite that will be! Praise You, Lord!
What do we do when we are angry at God? Tell Him. He can take it. Be honest about how you feel and wrestle with Him.
Question: Have you experienced anger with God? How did you handle this?
In John 14:1-3, Jesus told us,
“Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me. My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.”
I pray for peace in your hearts today.
Bless you,
Caroline

*Philip Yancey, The Question That Never Goes Away: What Is God Up to in a World of Such Tragedy and Pain? (London, England: Hodder and Stoughton, 2013), page 30.

If God Is Loving, Why Is the World So Evil?

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If God is loving, why is the world so evil? I often hear this question from those who have been victims of domestic violence. For some, having experienced evil that God did not prevent has made them doubt God exists.
I am currently getting a master’s degree in Christian counseling. The question of evil came up in an assignment in my theology class. I thought I would share what I am learning.
Theologians have wrestled with this question for centuries. As Christians, we believe God is good, and that there is no evil in him. If that is true, why is there so much evil in the world? Maniacs go into schools and begin shooting children, women and men are trafficked and forced to “service” 10 – 20 men a day, a husband* who has promised to “love, honor and cherish” his wife treats her with contempt – she lives in fear of him. How can any of these things be considered “good”?
Theologian Michael Bird** points out that
in order to call something “evil,” we have to believe in an absolute standard, and the absolute standard must originate with God. Tweet This
In other words, how can we know what is evil if someone does not tell us what is right or wrong? He points out that without the absolute standard of a good sovereign God, we would not be able to define any action as morally good or evil. He uses this example to make his point:
If there were no God telling us that humans have inherent worth, and that therefore, murder is wrong, then helping an old lady across the street would be no better morally than pushing her in front of a bus. It would truly be everyone “doing what is right in their own eyes,” (Judges 17:6, ESV). We would have no moral compass.
My Thoughts
I have always believed in what theologians call the “free-will defense.” In other words, God gave us free-will so that we could freely choose whether to love him or not. If he had not given us free-will, then our “love” for him would not have been love at all. We would be more like puppets, being pulled along by the strings God moves. Therefore, since God’s ultimate purpose is to love us, and be loved in return, he had to allow us the choice to choose right or wrong. I believe that God can use the evil people do for his good purposes, (see what happened to Joseph in Genesis 50:20). To me, people choose evil, then God works circumstances to come out for the ultimate good, (Romans 8:28).
I believe God is good, and that he is sovereign. Sovereignty has to do with kingship. There is absolutely nothing that happens in the universe that is outside of God’s influence and authority. As King of kings and Lord of lords, God has no limitations. Isaiah 55:9 says that, God’s “ways are higher than ways and thoughts than thoughts.” God is also omniscient. This means that he knows what will happen in the future as easily as he knows what happened in the past. Therefore, God understands the true meaning of an action, whether it is good or evil, because he knows what will ultimately come out of the action. Because we are not able to see into the future, we don’t know what the outcome of an action will be. It is highly possible that something that feels evil to us will bring about incredible good in our future, or in the future of others.
I will give an example from my own life. My first husband treated me with contempt and abuse. I struggled for years to try to understand why God would allow my “Christian” husband to behave in such an evil way. I finally had to seek a divorce before I lost my mind or my life. For years, I could only see the evil in that situation. Years later, God brought me my current, amazing, loving, godly husband. Since we married, we have mended the broken hearts of our combined children, served at an orphanage for several years, supported countless missionaries and organizations, and fed the homeless. We are both now studying to become counselors to help others who are in pain. In my own personal life, God has brought beauty from ashes, (Isaiah 61:3). If my first husband had not abused me, I would have never divorced him, nor met and married my amazing husband. I wouldn’t have experienced terrible pain and sadness, but I would also not have experienced the incredible joy of sharing my life and working to help others with my second husband.
God designed our world to be good. He created it with beauty, and infinite complexity. One tree has thousands of leaves, and there are millions of trees in the world. Every snowflake that falls to earth is beautiful and unique. He gave us mountains and oceans, with all the plants and animals found in each. It is mind-blowing. God also created humans in his image – a high honor. We have the capability for great good, but also for great evil.
God created everything that exists. He sustains everything in the earth – moving the sun and moon in perfect rotation, and giving each living being breath. While it is possible for God to personally supernaturally intervene in our lives, he rarely works that way. Most of the time, God uses humans to bring about his purposes. An example of this would be a surgeon taking a tumor from someone’s body. No, God did not reach down and personally remove the tumor, but he did give the surgeon the skill and ability to do it. Another example would be how he uses counselors to help people heal their broken hearts. Yes, he could snap his fingers and have all their pain disappear, but he chooses to let others invest in that healing.
Though God does not often personally intervene in our lives, he is not sitting up in the sky, indifferent to what happens on earth. God is intimately involved with us. He loves us and cares about what happens to us. This is sometimes difficult to feel or believe. If God really cared for us, and is all-powerful and all-knowing, couldn’t he have prevented our pain? Yes, of course he could have. So why did he allow it? This is a really good question. I will answer this in next week’s blog.
Question: Have you ever doubted God’s existence, his goodness or his power?
Psalm 139:1 – 6 says:
You have searched me, Lord,

    and you know me.

You know when I sit and when I rise;

    you perceive my thoughts from afar.

You discern my going out and my lying down;

    you are familiar with all my ways.

Before a word is on my tongue

    you, Lord, know it completely.

You hem me in behind and before,

    and you lay your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,

    too lofty for me to attain.
May you feel God’s presence today,
Caroline

*Abusers and their victims can be male or female. For simplicity, in this blog, I use “he” for the abuser and “she for the victim.”

**Michael Bird, Evangelical Theology: A Biblical and Systematic Introduction, Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2013.