Caroline Abbott's Blog, page 7

Becoming a Person Who Recognizes Their Own Worth

[image error]I am facilitating a counseling group for women who have experienced (or are still experiencing) domestic violence. Seeing these women grow in strength, insight and self-esteem is one of the most rewarding things I have ever done. It is also stretching me as a human and as a counselor. During each group, I teach on a topic that is relevant to the members. So far, we have discussed the importance of having boundaries, safety planning and dealing with grief and anger. At the end of one of the sessions, one member asked how a person can increase their feeling of self-worth.
My stomach dropped when I heard this request. I thought, “How on earth am I going to teach that when I still struggle with this?” When I sat down to create materials for the group, I had a melt-down. I had no idea what to say! I finally had to stop and settle myself for a full day before I could try again. I prayed about it and felt God directing me to set aside my “counselor” mode, and just be real, sharing my heart. This is what I shared with the group members:
My Experience with Self-Worth
Many of us struggle with realizing our own value because of our childhood experiences. Tweet This
This is definitely true in my case. My parents divorced when I was quite young, and I was not allowed to see my birth father after I was 8. His absence in my life made me feel abandoned, and yes, worthless. If he loved me, wouldn’t he come see me? Children are very self-focused. They think that they are the cause of whatever happens around them. So, given that, I thought I caused him to leave. I missed him terribly, and this left a huge hole in my heart and life.
My mom remarried when I was 5. My step-father was not an affectionate person like my birth father. I had a very hard time learning to like, much less love him. He believed in spanking children with a leather belt. While I have no memory of him ever doing that to me, he did to my younger siblings. He also would give everyone the silent treatment if we disappointed him. This theme of receiving the silent treatment would follow me throughout my life. My step-dad could also be verbally abusive. He would drink too much, then berate whoever he was angry at. It was often me, especially in my teen years. He thought my ideas and actions were “stupid” and often told me so – in a loud, condemning, out-of-control voice.
In school I was terribly shy and was often bullied by my peers. In sixth grade, and again in 7thgrade, my “friends” decided to stop talking to me . . . for a month at a time. There was no argument preceding this, I came to school one day and everyone with whom I normally ate lunch and played on the playground shunned me. I still have no idea why. If I tried to talk to them, they would turn away from me and walk away. This was devastating to me and left deep scars.
My first husband also used the silent treatment as a tool. He realized quickly that by pretending I didn’t exist, I would get furious and lose control. He liked seeing me that way. He would often smile when I was screaming and crying, trying to get him to engage with me. Then he would calmly say, “Look how out of control you are.” Pretty soon, I was apologizing to HIM!
As a step-mom, I have experienced this often with my step-kids. Being a step-parent can be very painful at times. All of my step-kids have given me the silent treatment at different times over the years.
What did all of this teach me? That I was not worthy to even be looked at, acknowledged, and spoken to by those who were closest to me. This became one of my core beliefs about myself.
Question: If you feel comfortable sharing, what core beliefs do you have about yourself?
In my next blog, I will share some things I have done through the years that have increased my feelings of self-worth.
Though I struggle to see myself as a person of worth, God has no trouble doing this. In Psalm 139:1, 13-14 David writes:

You have searched me, Lord,

    and you know me. . . 

For you created my inmost being;

    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

    your works are wonderful,

    I know that full well.
Come along with me on my journey to realizing I am a person of worth . . . and so are you. Bless you all,
Caroline

PS. If you are interested in joining our domestic violence healing group which meets in the Denver area, please contact me.

A Mother’s Blessing

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Many of us have had difficult relationships with our moms. Perhaps they were narcissistic, and treated us like a queen one day and like a beggar the next. Perhaps they abused us, or ignored us. Perhaps they did not give us the love and attention every child needs and deserves. What can we do? Do we demand they give us these things now? Do we hate them forever? Neither of these things is helpful. Instead, if we move to a place of forgiveness, this will help us to heal.
Last week, I shared a father’s blessing . Today, I am sharing a mother’s blessing that can help heal our hearts. Sadly, most of our mothers are unable or unwilling to give us this type of blessing. Christian Healing Ministries, the creator of the Mother’s and Father’s blessings, recommends you find a trained prayer minister, pastor or priest to stand in the place of earthly parents to offer a loving hug and any words of affirmation the Lord would like to speak to you. These prayers are intended to serve as an example and they suggest that anyone leading these prayers be sensitive to the direction of the Holy Spirit. Here is the Mother’s blessing:




A mother’s assignment is to nurture, to love, to tend, to treasure, and to teach her children. Tweet This
Maybe your mother was wonderful, maybe she wasn’t.
Perhaps she abandoned you, or abused you: sexually, physically, verbally, or emotionally.
Maybe she died before you were ready, or left you for some other reason.
Maybe she made you her idol, delighting in you so much that you haven’t been able to break away to be your own person.
Perhaps she made you the scapegoat for all her troubles, so that you suffered for things other people did to her which frightened, hurt, or angered her.
Maybe she came between you and your father, or continually forced you to choose sides. Maybe she placed you between herself and her husband; maybe she didn’t protect you from him.
Perhaps she blamed you for things that were not your fault at all.
Maybe she insisted that you “mother” her instead of her “mothering” you. And maybe you felt important about that and did not realize you were becoming trapped and overwhelmed, and since then you have been running on empty, not knowing what you need or want.
Perhaps she left you in the care of hurtful, dangerous people. Maybe she didn’t see or believe you when you went to her for help. Perhaps she was just too busy to see anything you wanted or needed then. I really don’t know.
If you are willing to hear the words of a wounded mother speaking to you, please close your eyes for a few minutes.
I realize I am not your mother, but please allow me to stand in for her and in the place of your mother, who may or may not have said any of these things, please allow yourself to hear these words:
My dear child, I know that the Scriptures command you to honor me; I want you to know that you will honor me best by becoming and being all the Lord intends you to be. I ask the Lord to richly bless you.
I ask the Lord Jesus Christ by the power of His cross and blood to set you free now from any harsh or cruel words that I said, especially the ones you keep remembering over and over. I am so sorry.
I ask the Lord to set you free from heart injuries you sustained from me or from others in whose care I placed you. I ask the Holy Spirit to set you free from heartache, disappointments, dread, grief, or rage you cannot resolve.



I’m so sorry for any other struggles I may have caused you. May you be healed from being ignored by me or smothered by me.





If I ever made you feel less than or not good enough, I am deeply sorry and ask you to please forgive me. May the Lord set you free from working so hard to please me when nothing ever would. May the Lord set you free from trying to get from me what I never had to give you. I am so sorry.
May the Lord set you free from blaming me for failing you, not because I need that, but so you can be free to grow, to receive, to achieve, and to be creative in ways you have not yet imagined. May the Lord give you all the things I was unable or unwilling to give you.
May the Lord guide you in ways I never could and grant you peace. May the Lord free you from any of my grief, fear, terror, anger, dread, and expectations you are still trying to live up to.
May the Lord free you from feeling that you have to always be perfect or that you have to be what I expected you to be.
I pray that God will help you to see that the hurt and pain I caused you came from my own childhood. It limited me, and I am so sorry if it has limited you.
I pray that God will remove from you any belief that you were not wanted or loved.
I pray that you have no doubt that you are the gender you are supposed to be.
Please forgive me for not nurturing you. I pray that the Lord will release you from any unhealthy bond that you may have with me. I want you to keep all of the good that came from me, and give the rest to God.
My beloved son, my precious daughter—I love you.

I am so proud of you.

I am so glad you were born.

Be released now to be the person that God created you to be. Be free, my love, and live!
When a sweet older lady read this to our class, I sobbed. Somehow it healed something inside of me. I pray you will find healing through this as well.
Question: How do you think you would feel if your own mother said these words to you, (and meant them)?
May the Lord bless you and keep you.
Caroline

Do You Have A Father Wound?

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Do you have a father wound? Many of us do. Perhaps your father was verbally, emotionally or even physically abusive to you and/or your mom. Maybe he was an adulterer or abused drugs and alcohol. Maybe he sexually molested you. Maybe he abandoned you and your family. Maybe he was a workaholic and never there when you needed him. Maybe he was a perfectionist, and did not give you the unconditional love each child wants, needs and deserves from their parents.
Even if your dad was great for the most part, you may still be wounded by something he did or did not do. Sometimes we can share our feelings of sadness, anger and disappointment with our dads and receive healing when he apologizes and tries to make his mistake right with us. Unfortunately, this option is not available to most of us. Perhaps he has died, or you have lost touch with him and have no idea where he is. If we are still in relationship with him, we are often too afraid to talk with him about the things that he may have done that wounded us.
If this is your story, how has your father’s dysfunction affected you? Perhaps you have chosen a mate who has a similar character flaw. Perhaps you have a low self-esteem. Perhaps you struggle to accept yourself and others. Are you destined to carry these wounds for the rest of your life? I truly hope not.
One way we can be free of these wounds is to learn to forgive the people who have hurt us. I know this sounds crazy, but it really does work. Check out my last blog where I outline the steps to forgiving others that I learned in my healing prayer class.
Besides teaching us these steps to forgiving others, the teachers of this class also gave us a powerful gift. An older gentleman gave us a Father’s Blessing. There wasn’t a dry eye in the room as this godly, loving man stood in the place of our fathers and blessed us. Through him, and with God’s power, the Lord moved in my heart to heal the wounds caused by my absent birth father and abusive step-father. This blessing can be found at this link. Christian Healing Ministries recommends you find a trained prayer minister, pastor or priest to stand in the place of your earthy father to offer you a loving hug and any words of affirmation the Lord might want to speak to you. The following prayer can serve as an example, and they recommend the person giving the blessing be sensitive to the Holy Spirit’s leading when sharing it. Even if you cannot find someone to speak this to you, and you just read it, it can still bless you. Here it is:
A father’s role is to protect, to provide, to bless, and to establish his children’s identity. Tweet This
Maybe your father did that for you, maybe he didn’t.
Perhaps he abandoned you or abused you: sexually, physically, verbally, or emotionally.
Maybe he died before you were ready, or left you for some other reason.
Maybe he made you his pet, delighting in you so much that you haven’t been able to break away to be your own person.
Perhaps he was distant, removed and showed no interest in you, or he terrified you with his anger and rage.
Perhaps he made you the scapegoat for all his troubles, so that you suffered for things other people did to him.
Perhaps he blamed you for things that were not your fault at all.
Maybe he worked too much or played too hard and never spent time with you, missed your ball games, your dance recitals, and your spelling bees.
Maybe he spent too much time with you, forcing you to become the athlete or student or doctor or lawyer you never wanted to be.
Perhaps he left you in the care of hurtful, dangerous people. Maybe he didn’t see or believe you when you went to him for help.
Perhaps he was just too preoccupied with himself to see anything you wanted or needed then. I really don’t know.
If you are willing to hear the words of a broken father speaking to you, please close your eyes for a few minutes.
I realize I am not your father, but please allow me to stand in for him, and in the place of your father, who may or may not have said any of these things. Please allow yourself to hear these words:
I ask your Heavenly Father to richly bless you in all the places I failed to bless you.
I ask the Lord Jesus Christ by the power of His cross and blood to set you free now from any harsh or cruel words that I said… especially the ones you keep remembering over and over. I am so sorry.
I ask the Lord to set you free from heart injuries you sustained from me or from others in whose care I placed you. I ask the Holy Spirit to set you free from heartache, disappointments, dreads, grief, or rage you cannot resolve.



And I’m so sorry for any other struggles I may have caused you. May you be healed from being ignored by me, or overindulged by me.




If I ever made you feel less than or not good enough am deeply sorry and ask you to please forgive me. May the Lord set you free from working so hard to please me when nothing ever would. May the Lord set you free from trying to get from me what I never had to give you. I am so sorry.
May the Lord set you free from blaming me for failing you, not because I need that, but so you can be free to grow, to receive, to achieve, and to be creative in ways you have not yet imagined. May the Lord give you all the things I was unable or unwilling to give you.
May the Lord guide you in ways I never could and grant you peace.
May the Lord free you from the effects of my addictions, my anxieties and my anger.
May the Lord free you from feeling that you have to always be perfect or that you have to be what I expected you to be.
I pray that God will help you to see that the hurt and pain I caused you came from my own childhood. It limited me, and I am so sorry if it has limited you.
I pray that God will remove from you any belief that you were not wanted or loved.
I pray that you have no doubt that you are the gender you are supposed to be.
I pray that the Lord will release you from any unhealthy bond that you may have with me. I want you to keep all of the good that came from me, and give the garbage to God.
My beloved son, my precious daughter—I love you.

I am so proud of you.

I am so glad you were born.

Take flight, my love—soar into the heights of God’s destiny for you. Fly free and live!


Question: Do you have a father wound? How could receiving a father’s blessing help you?
I pray this blessing will help you begin to be free from anything your father did to you, or neglected to do. You are a treasure in God’s eyes.
Bless you all today,
Caroline

How to Forgive the Unforgivable?

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Forgiveness? What the heck? Why am I even talking about this? Most of you reading this today have been abused, either in childhood or by an intimate partner. The things that have happened to you should never happen to any person. Ever. I totally get that. So, I am not saying that what has happened to you is easy to forgive. What I am saying is that when you forgive another’s offense(s) it sets YOU free.
Recently, I received a lot of emotional healing during a healing prayer class at the seminary where I am getting a master’s degree in counseling. In this class, they discussed generational sins. These are sins that repeat in your family line from generation to generation. They asked us to write on a family tree the issues with which our family members have struggled. In my family tree, divorce is rampant, adultery shows up several times, and alcoholism was present three generations in a row. Domestic violence also showed up several times. I knew these things before doing this exercise, but seeing it written on paper was eye-opening for me. I invite you to try this.
One way to free ourselves from these generational sins is to forgive our family members. Forgiveness, though it is difficult and painful, sets us free from the bondage of the pain others have caused us. When we forgive, we are not:

Called to forget what has happened to us
Saying what has happened to us is OK.
Forced to automatically reconcile with the person who hurt us. Often this is not safe, or even wise.
Automatically releasing the person from the consequences of their actions (like being prosecuted by the law).

Years ago, syndicated columnist Ann Landers printed this truth:
“Anger is like acid. It does more harm to the object in which it is stored than to the object on which it is poured.” Tweet This
If you can acknowledge the harm holding bitterness toward others has caused you, would you now be willing to take the difficult steps needed to forgive that/those person(s)?
Steps Toward Forgiveness
I have shared steps toward forgiving the unforgivable before. The following list includes a few steps that I’ve never heard before. This list was taken from pages 5-11 to 5-14 in Michael Evans’ book called Learning to Do What Jesus Did: How to Pray for Physical, Emotional and Spiritual Healing.   Here goes:

Make the decision you want to forgive and be set free.
Pray and ask God to bring to mind the people and events that are the root of anger in your heart. Everything you need to forgive may not come to mind at once – deal with the issues that come up. If remembering an issue causes pain, allow the pain. If you need to mourn and cry – that is OK.
List  specifically  what you need to forgive a person for. We may need to forgive someone for many things.
Be honest with yourself and God about how you feel about this person or event. Don’t sugar coat it – God can take it.
Forgive the offense. This is an act of your will, not your emotions. Speak out loud to the person as if they were in the room with you – praying out loud will help you remember you have forgiven this person. Tell them you forgive them, and what exactly you are forgiving them for.
Pray and ask God to forgive you for holding unforgiveness in your heart.
Forgive yourself. (This can be one of the hardest steps.) Do you feel guilty about how you reacted to the person or event? Perhaps you made choices that you’ve regretted since then. Maybe in reacting to the initial hurt, you have in turn hurt others.
Deal with your anger toward God. What things are you holding against God? Why didn’t he prevent what happened to you? Ask God to forgive you for your bitterness toward him – he will forgive you.
Pray for inner healing. Once you have forgiven someone, the poison inside of you has been released, but you will still need to heal from it. Ask God to fill the void in your life, to bring you comfort, allow you to feel his forgiveness.
Begin to pray blessings on the person you have forgiven. To me, this is the hardest step of all. I can do steps 1 – 9, but when it comes to praying God will bless the person that hurt me, I falter. If you can truly do this, you have truly forgiven. 

Should You Try to Reconcile?
Once you have forgiven someone, you may wish to reconcile with them. Please use wisdom in this.
Sometimes, the person who has hurt you is an unsafe person, and reconciling with them would increase your danger. Tweet This
After praying about it for quite a while, if you decide you do want to reconcile with the person, be careful how you approach them. Going to a person and telling them you’ve forgiven them for being an insensitive jerk would not be wise.
Rather than telling them you’ve forgiven them, Michael Evans suggests you confess to them that you’ve been angry and have asked God’s forgiveness and would like to ask theirs. Let them know they mean a lot to you and that you would like to reconcile with them. They may or may not forgive you or apologize to you. Be prepared for that and let it go. Be prepared also for them to not want to reconcile with you. This is indeed a possibility.
What If You Cannot Forgive?
Perhaps you go through these steps and find you cannot truly forgive someone at this time. Does this mean you are destined to live in bondage forever? No. You can wait for a while and try this again. You may find it easier to forgive the second (or even third) time you try this. Having someone you trust do this with you can help, as can seeing a counselor and talking about your anger. Finding freedom for yourself is worth the time and effort this might take.
Question: What are you willing to do to be free of anger and bitterness?
As you go through these steps, know that God is right there with you. Hebrews 4:14-16 says:
Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.
I pray you will be able to forgive, will be set free from anger and bitterness, and will feel God’s peace.
Bless you,

Caroline

 

 

Don’t Hide Your True Self

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We all want people to think well of us. Do you find yourself hiding your past, (even your present) from others? Why do we do this? Maybe we think we aren’t good enough. Maybe we are ashamed of some of the things we have done/are doing. Maybe we think people will shun us if they truly know us.
Maybe we aren’t proud of the fact we drink too much and use drugs. Maybe we wish we had waited until we were married to have children. Maybe we wish we had not chosen to party and had actually done our school work and graduated from high school/college. The truth is, we all have something to hide. That mother who looks so pulled together as she walks into church with her three little cherubs, may have been screaming at them in the car on the way to church. The man who looks so good leaving for work in his button-down shirt and jacket may be meeting his mistress at a sleazy motel at lunchtime. The teen with straight A’s may be molested nightly by a step-father. None of us is perfect, and we all have things about ourselves and our past we would like to hide from the world.
One of the reasons I write about domestic violence, and about my own experience with it, is to get real. As a society, we don’t want to think that people WE ACTUALLY KNOW are even now committing domestic violence and sexual abuse against their partners and children. In the same way, we don’t want to think about little children who have been trafficked who are being used as sex slaves. How can we sleep at night if we dwell on these truths? IMPOSSIBLE!
But the truth is, domestic violence is a fact, child sexual abuse is a fact and human trafficking is as well. We don’t need to tell the entire world about all the awful things that have happened to us, but we also don’t need to hide them.
What is the fruit of all our hiding?
When we hide our true selves from others, we are never truly known. Tweet This
We find ourselves lying about the things we are ashamed of. We realize our relationships are very shallow and fake, and we get to the point we don’t even care to be around people we think won’t like our true selves.
A larger concern is that if you and I aren’t real, we encourage those around us to not be real either. This helps an entire community/society to be fake and shallow. Each person is walking around ashamed of their past/present and lying about it to those who would be able to understand, care, and help.
When we refuse to be real with other people, we often try to hide from God as well. We choose not to pray, and not to go to church because of our fear and shame. Is YAHWEH the type of God who shuns you when you mess up? Hmm. Let’s see. Jesus is God in the flesh.
Did he shun the down and out? No. Tweet This

When the Pharisees found a woman caught in adultery (by the way, where was the man she was caught with?) and brought her to Jesus so he would stone her, what did he do? He said, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” When all the woman’s accusers left, he asked her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?” “No one, sir,” she said. “Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.” (John 8:1-11)
When the town slut interrupted the meal Jesus was having with the “important” people of the town, Jesus honored her. (Luke 7:36-50)
When a woman who had been bleeding for 12 years (making her ceremonially “unclean”, and no one could touch her) touched Jesus’ robe in a crowd, he stopped everything to find her. After he found her and heard her story, he said to her, “Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering.” (Mark 5:25-34)

Ok, so Jesus was loving and caring. Does that mean all his followers will be? Will every person you meet in every church treat you with kindness, love, and not condemn you and your choices? Sadly, no. Because we are all sinners, churchgoers are sinners as well. You may need to try a few different churches before you find one that is generally filled with grace-giving people. Even there, you may bump into some who will condemn you. At the same time, you will find people who may condemn you everywhere you go, on public transportation, in the grocery store, in your own family. We can’t get away from people like this. In my experience, people who have truly received the grace of Jesus are the most grace-giving people on earth. They realize they are also sinners, and Jesus has forgiven them much.
My encouragement today is to BE REAL. Take a risk and tell others and God the truth about your choices and experiences. As we do this, we will feel less shame, and begin to accept ourselves and our choices, freeing us from our own condemnation.
Question: Do you find yourself hiding from others because you are afraid what they will say? Do you condemn yourself? What can you do to free yourself today?
May you feel the love and grace from God, other people and yourself today.
Caroline

Are You Being Abused?

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One of the most difficult things about domestic violence (DV) is that we often don’t know if we are experiencing it. Abusers are wily and manipulative, and often act like the victim. They blame their victims for their actions, or deny they ever happened. Since most DV occurs behind closed doors, and the abuser often looks great to outsiders, it can be very hard to discern if you are in fact being abused.
Domesticshelters.org recently published a great video that can help you decide whether you are being abused. If you think you might be in an abusive relationship, I highly recommend you check it out. It lasts 14 minutes and is worth the time.
I will summarize some of the information here.
Abuse hardly ever gets better, and most often gets worse over time. There are periods of time when no abuse occurs. During those periods, the victim often tries to forget the abuse happens. S/he hopes it won’t happen again and tries to move forward. The first step in discerning whether you are being abused is to keep track of the abuse. Keep a log of all the behaviors you think might be abusive.
For your safety, do not keep this log in any place your abuser might have access to. Tweet This
What is Domestic Violence?
Domestic violence can happen between intimate partners, spouses, dating partners, siblings, or other family members.  One person behaves in a way that is designed to gain power and control over another. Some common behaviors include:

Intimidation
Manipulation
Humiliation
Isolation
Fear
Terror
Coercion
Threats
Blaming
Injury

Domestic violence can happen to anyone and will happen to 1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men in childhood or adulthood.
Domestic violence is not always physical. This is one of the reasons it is so hard to discern. Other types of abuse include:

emotional/verbal/psychological
sexual
economic/financial
spiritual.

Patterns of Abusive Behavior
Abusers often do the following things:

Make excuses for their behavior
Blame others
Justify their actions
Feel they are entitled
Feel they are not bound by the rules others must follow
Are extremely sensitive
Lie
Sabotage plans
Instigate conflict
Are impulsive
Assume they know what you are thinking
Threaten you
Play the victim
Frighten you
Act differently in private than in public
Deny their abuse.

Words Abusers Often Say

You’re a dumb (****)
It didn’t hurt that much
You made me do that
I don’t remember doing that
You’re crazy
You’re too sensitive
You deserve that
That never happened
I’m sorry
I love you and that will never happen again
No one will ever want you
No one will ever believe you
If you loved me, you would . . .
I will kill myself if you leave me
If you leave, I will kill your family, (kids, pets)
I am going to kill you.

Actions Abusers Often Do

Refuse to compromise
Use guilt trips
Have a sense of entitlement
Downplay your accomplishments
Don’t respect your feelings or needs
Use extreme jealousy
Use cut-downs disguised as jokes
Control your finances
Force sex
Give you the silent treatment
Interrogate you about where you are going, who you are with
Sabotage your relationships (in order to isolate you)
Use religion to control you.

The Abusive Cycle
Abusive behaviors go in cycles.
The abuser is not abusive all the time. This makes it even harder to discern whether you are being abused. Tweet This
The cycle generally gets shorter and more violent over time.

Tensions build. You feel as if you are walking on eggshells and try not to upset your partner.
Abusive incident. This could be an emotional outburst, the silent treatment, physical or sexual abuse.
Reconciliation. The abuser brings you flowers, and apologizes, or blames you for the abuse, or pretends it never occurred.
Calm. Both parties “forget” the abusive incident, and all seems ok, until the cycle begins again.

Help for the Abused
Think you might be abused? Domesticshelters.org offers many resources to help you.

Help finding shelters and local DV hotlines You enter your location, and they will list organizations near you.
Articles about DV. They have over 500 on every possible topic to do with abuse.

You can also check out my Get Help page, (which has hotlines for other countries) or call:

The National Domestic Violence Hotline in the US at 1−800−799−SAFE (7233)   or TTY 1−800−787−3224.
LoveIsRespect.org (for teens) at 866-331-9474.

The final point the video makes is a great one.


Abuse is never the victim’s fault.  Tweet This
Question: Do any of the actions or words listed above seem familiar to you? If so, what will you do to keep yourself safe?
Because abusers often use spiritual abuse against their victims, we often (falsely) believe God somehow condones abuse. This could not be further from the truth. Psalm 11:5–7, (NLT) says:
The Lord examines both the righteous and the wicked. He hates those who love violence. He will rain down blazing coals and burning sulfur on the wicked, punishing them with scorching winds.
Please contact me through this website, or via Facebook messenger if you would like to talk about what is happening to you. Bless you all,
Caroline

 

How Can We Heal Our Hearts?

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Many of us are walking around with broken hearts. This isn’t visible to those around us, but it is a reality. How can we mend these broken hearts? I recently read a great piece on this in the book The Essential Guide to Healing by Pastors Bill Johnson and Randy Clark. This section of the book is found on pages 156 – 159. Here is a summary of their points:
1.  Be Honest with God
We can come to God and be honest about our sorrows, anger and pain. He is not shocked by our emotions . . . he already knows about them! Be open with Him and pray with confidence. As it says in Hebrews 4:16, “Therefore, let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.”  The authors say they pray something like this: “Father, I know You are good and that You never lie or abandon Your children. But it sure feels and looks to me as if You did. It looks as if You didn’t keep Your promise to me. I know my perception is wrong because You are always good. I need You to help me. Please heal my heart, and according to your promises, please deliver me quickly.”
We don’t need to be religious or say what we think God wants to hear. And it is good to be honest with him sooner versus later. The longer we wait, the more likely we will harden our hearts against him, causing us even more pain than our original circumstances did.
2. Listen to God
The author recommends turning to the psalms for comfort. The people who wrote the psalms were extremely honest with God about their feelings. David often prayed for God to destroy his enemies. There is no sugar-coating in the psalms. Read the psalms until you find words that mimic your own feelings. Then, meditate on them. Pray them back to God, journal them, sing them. Whatever soothes your soul.
3. Receive God’s Peace
Continue speaking, praying and being honest with God until you begin to feel His peace. Philippians 4:7 says, And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 
This peace doesn’t come to us naturally, but supernaturally. Tweet This
In order to receive it, we must give up our right to understand WHY something bad has happened to us. For most of us, there is no way to intellectually understand the hard circumstances in our lives.
When we keep asking WHY WHY WHY, it causes our pain to turn into suffering. Tweet This
We will never know why. When we accept this hard truth, our spirits can be renewed.
4. Feed Your Heart Correctly
Focus on what God is doing, not on what he has not done, or seems to not be doing for you. Pray until you sense his heart, agree with His Word, and then leave your burdens with him. You may have to do this over and over again. I often leave something with God, then my natural anxiety returns, and I take it back! Then, I have to decide to leave that same burden again. In Matthew 3:11-12, John the Baptist boldly proclaimed that Jesus was God. But, after John was imprisoned, he began to doubt. In Matthew 11:4, John sent his disciples to Jesus to ask if Jesus really was the savior. He had taken his eyes off what Jesus had done, (heal the blind, deaf and lame) and was focusing on what Jesus was not doing – freeing John from prison. When we are hurting, it is difficult to focus on how God has helped us in the past. But, turning our minds to his past good deeds will keep us from dwelling on the pain we are currently experiencing. It builds our faith and gives us hope for the current situation we experience.
I (Caroline) would add one more thought to the great ideas of these pastors. Here is my addition:
5. Surround Yourself with Encouragers
When we are in pain, we often isolate ourselves. It seems cruel to share our pain with others. But, God gave us other people to help us. Ecclesiastes 4:12 says,
Though one may be overpowered,

    two can defend themselves.

A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
Reaching out to others in our pain may feel icky. We may have to swallow our pride to be honest with those who perhaps falsely believe we “have it all together.” So, step out and seek the comfort of others. When we are honest about our messed-up lives, this gives others a chance to be honest about their mess.
Question: What do YOU do when you are in emotional pain? Which of these suggestions have you tried?
I pray you will use this time of sorrow to grow closer to God and to others.
Caroline

Biblical Divorce – A Pastor’s Perspective

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What do you believe about divorce? Many believe that according to the Bible, the only two valid causes for divorce are adultery and abandonment by an unbeliever. I have written about this before . Recently, Pastor Ryan Paulson from South Fellowship church gave one of the best sermons on this topic I have ever heard. His treatment of this very sensitive topic was so great, I just had to share it. To hear the entire sermon, (45 entertaining minutes) click here .
Here is my summary of his main points about divorce which begins around minute 10.
Ryan was preaching from Matthew 5:31-32 where Jesus says during the Sermon on the Mount:
“It has been said, ‘Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.’ But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, makes her the victim of adultery, and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.”
This passage is one of the most hotly debated passages in the Bible. What does Jesus mean when he says divorce makes a woman an adulteress?
Ryan gave some background information about what Jesus was talking about here. Jesus is referring back to Deuteronomy 24:1 which says:
If a man marries a woman who becomes displeasing to him because he finds something indecent about her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce, gives it to her and sends her from his house . . .
At the time of Jesus, there were two schools of thought about this topic. The first school was based upon the teachings of Rabbi Hillel who taught that a man could divorce his wife for ANY reason . . . even something as small as she burned his toast.
The problem with this was that, according to Pastor Ryan, “a divorced woman had three options, and really, only three.  She could go and live with a wealthy family member or maybe her parents.  She could move back in with her parents.  She could get remarried, and many, many women did in this day and culture.  But it was almost as though they entered into this marriage and it was tainted; it was seen as sort of second-class.  Or she could become a prostitute.  She had to make money somehow.  A lot of commentators say that when Jesus says “You force her to commit adultery,” that’s what he’s talking about.  She’s got to go “work the streets” because she has to make ends meet somehow.  So, this was Hillel’s teaching.  He said listen, if there’s any cause for divorce . . . burn the toast—divorce.  Don’t like her looks anymore—divorce.  It doesn’t matter if she violates the marriage covenant, if you don’t like her anymore, you can divorce her.”
The other school of thought was proposed by Rabbi Shimei, who believed this passage from Deuteronomy implied the wife had committed adultery. Which school of thought is correct? Pastor Ryan goes on to explain:
Jesus chimes in and he does what he does throughout the Scriptures.  He comes to the defense of women, because they were the ones getting pushed down by this. Tweet This
They were the ones getting run over.  They were the ones being wronged.  Jesus comes, and he says no, this “Any Cause” divorce, which Hillel talked about, is absolute rubbish.  What Deuteronomy 24:1 is talking about is not “Any Cause,” it’s talking about uniquely adultery.
What About Abuse?
Take a deep breath.  We all know people who have gotten divorced for reasons other than adultery.  Some of you are reading this now.  We’ve heard some teaching around that says is adultery really the ONLY time where divorce is an option?  Is that it?  What about abuse?  Should a woman stay in that situation?  It’s not adultery.  Should she just go into an adulterous relationship so that she can get divorced?  Is that the option?  I think we’ve heard some potentially inaccurate teaching on this, and I’ve been a part of that . . . because we want to stay true to the Scriptures and we haven’t really stepped back to ask the question, “What is Jesus really talking about?”
Before I tell you what he’s talking about, let me tell you what he’s NOT talking about.  He’s NOT saying that adultery is the only time divorce is an option period.  You’re going, Paulson, that’s the way it reads.  I get it.  But what he’s answering in this discussion is what is Moses talking about in Deuteronomy 24:1?  He says well, Moses, right there, is talking about adultery.  That’s what Moses is talking about.  The question is – is that the only time in the Old Testament that divorce is discussed?  Here’s the answer . . . no, it’s not.  So, he answers a question that’s a common discussion amongst the rabbis, amongst the Pharisees, and goes this is what Moses is talking about.  You also have Exodus 21:10 – 11 that talks about divorce as well.  The context is an Israelite who marries a slave and then takes on a second wife in addition to her—that’s for a whole other message.  Here’s what it says:  If he marries another woman, he must not deprive the first one of her food, clothing and marital rights.  {Some translations say conjugal love.  He can’t stop sleeping with his first wife because he likes his second wife better.}  If he does not provide her with these three things, she is to go free, without any payment of money.  She can leave the marriage.  She doesn’t have to pay back any dowry.  She can leave because she was wronged.  So, all throughout the Jewish culture during that time, you have Deuteronomy 24, which talks about adultery, and you have Exodus 21, which talks about neglect.
Did you know that in the Jewish marriage vows, they vow these three things to each other?  I vow to clothe you. . . I vow to feed you. . .  I vow to make love to you often. That was the marriage vows that they took.  Jesus wasn’t talking about these, they weren’t debated.  They were just assumed within the Jewish culture that these are reasons that people exit a covenantal marriage.  What Jesus isn’t saying in this teaching is that adultery is the only reason for divorce, because he’s not discussing Exodus 21.  This is a whole other teaching and a whole other debate that the Scriptures don’t talk about them having much in the New Testament.
Here’s the question—If you’re going, Paulson, I’m not sure I agree with you, because it says clearly, I do not permit divorce EXCEPT for adultery.  Okay.  I hear you, but my encouragement to you would be to flip over to 1 Corinthians 7 and read it.  The Apostle Paul says . . . oh, and abandonment.  Did God change his mind between Matthew 5 and 1 Corinthians 7?  No, he didn’t.  Did Jesus get it wrong?  No.  Did Paul get it wrong?  No, I don’t think he did.  I think they’re talking about two different instances and two different cases.
We need to read the Scriptures intelligently Tweet This
and ask how do these things fit together?  Neither Paul nor Jesus intends to give a complete list of where divorce is acceptable.  They don’t.  If we want to figure out why divorce takes place, we need to figure out, first, what the covenant of marriage is about, then we can figure out why divorce is even an “option” when God designed it to be one man, one woman for one life.  That’s what we need to figure out.  I think Scot McKnight, in his commentary on the Sermon on the Mount, says it well:  “If covenant love is commitment to be ‘with someone and for someone as someone who is working unto divine ends,’ then marriages are destroyed when one partner refuses to be ‘with’ the spouse or who becomes someone who is ‘against’ that spouse.  When a man obviously fails to be the husband that covenant love demands, or when a wife obviously fails to be the wife that covenant love demands, grounds for divorce may be present because the covenant is being destroyed.”
Bad Teaching
So, you may have heard, what I would humbly submit to you, some potentially bad teaching on this.  So much so that you have women who are being physically abused stay in a marriage because they want to be true to the Scriptures.  You have well-intentioned, typically, men that would counsel them, “Stay in it, stay in it.  Jesus only says divorce is an option when adultery’s the case.”  I just want to humbly submit to you that I don’t think that that’s what the Bible actually teaches.
When Jesus says, “You force her to commit adultery,” what he’s saying is . . . you go back, and you read it, but I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife . . . This “Any Cause” (Hillel), any reason . . . she burned the toast, divorce and sort of tosses her to the curb . . . anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, makes her a victim of adultery, and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery . . . he’s going, listen, the marriage isn’t really void if you just tossed her aside without any violation of the marriage vow.  You read all throughout the Scriptures that the only one who’s capable of breaking the marriage vow is the one who is wronged, the victim.  Which opens up a whole other line of questions, which is probably for a different sermon.
What Jesus is NOT Saying
So what Jesus is NOT saying, number one, is that adultery is the only case or reason for divorce ever.  And he’s NOT saying that anyone who remarries commits adultery.  He’s saying that if someone’s tossed aside and that man decides to go get another wife and potentially do another “Any Cause” divorce, he’s going THAT person is committing adultery because they never really were divorced.  Does that make sense?  I hope it does.  If it doesn’t, let me recommend some reading for you.  I found this book to be THE book I wish I was given in seminary about this issue.  It’s called “Divorce and Remarriage in the Church” by David Instone-Brewer and it’s wonderful.  It’s brilliant!  It’s gracious!  And it actually explains the issues.
What is Jesus saying?  Jesus IS saying that giving your wife a certificate for divorce is a pretty low bar.  That’s what he’s saying.  He’s going let’s talk about this.  Is that really our standard?  That we could just toss a woman to the side and as long as we give her a certificate of divorce because she burned the toast we’re okay in God’s eyes?  He says no, that’s not the case.  In the Sermon on the Mount, the bar is being raised and raised and raised so that we’re forced to go deeper and deeper into our souls and wrestle with what’s on the inside. Jesus wants to address what’s on the inside, and what’s on the inside is that we typically want to get our way.  And what’s on the inside is that we want it our way right now!  Jesus goes that’s not the way that marriage works. 
What Jesus IS Teaching
What is Jesus teaching?  That he did design marriage to last a lifetime—one man, one woman, for life.  But the reality is that doesn’t always happen.  From the get-go, it didn’t always happen.  So in Matthew 19:7-10 , which I would say is a companion passage to Matthew 5, Jesus says:  “Why then,” they (disciples) asked, “did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?”   {The context (in verse 3) is Jesus, are you for “Any Cause” divorce?  Go read it, it’s right there.  It would help if it were capitalized in our Bibles.  It’s a discussion that they’re having.  Here’s Jesus reply.}  Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard.   {There’s two ways a heart could be hard.  One, it could be hard in the person who is violating the covenant.  Maybe they’re sleeping around.  Maybe they’re neglecting.  Maybe they’ve abandoned, and they refuse to repent and they refuse to come home.  That could be one way.  Another way a heart can be hardened is by a spouse that’s been wronged and can forgive but can’t come to the place of reconciliation.  They just can’t get there.  The perpetration has been too long, it’s been too painful, and it’s too much.  Jesus says that’s why we have the “provision” of divorce.} But it was not this way from the beginning.    In verse 10, the disciples said to him, “Oh my goodness, if we can’t have “Any Cause” divorce . . . this situation between husband and wife, it’s better not to marry at all.   They’re going that standard is really, really high, Jesus.  If we can only divorce our wives if they violate the covenant, we shouldn’t even marry at all.  It gives you an insight into the context that Jesus is speaking into.
Pastor Ryan Concludes
Pastor Ryan concludes this section by saying: I just want you to know that I get it.  There’s a ton of pain in the room around this issue.  There’s pain on the side of people who’ve been walked out on, and you went I wanted to fight for that and I didn’t get that option.  I want you to know, Jesus sees you, Jesus hears you, he has compassion for you.  Then there’s people that have made decisions. . . . .maybe some of them you regret or maybe some of them you don’t, but you’ve made decisions that have led to divorce and there’s pain around that too.  I want you to know, go read through the discussion where Jesus meets a woman at the well, who is in her fifth marriage, and see the grace that he gives her.  See the grace he gives the woman in John 8 who’s caught in the act adultery.  He just showers his love down on us.  Grace always meets us exactly where we’re at and moves us forward.  So wherever you’re at this morning, know that God, in his grace, wants to meet you and he wants to move you forward.
My Take-Aways

We need to read the scriptures intelligently, not just literally.
Jesus was not saying the only cause for a biblical divorce was adultery, and Paul was not saying the only cause is abandonment by an unbeliever. 
Divorce can be biblical when a spouse chooses not to fulfill the marriage covenant. This can include abuse, neglect, or a hard heart.
Jesus’ teaching on the subject of divorce was meant to free spouses (specifically women) from being bound to a covenant-breaking spouse.  
God is grace-filled. His purpose is to allow us to live in freedom.

Question: If you have divorced (or are considering divorcing) an abusive spouse, does this sermon give you hope?
I pray you will be able to receive these words of hope and grace. Bless you,
Caroline

Healing from Childhood Sexual Abuse

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Many who are abused as adults were also abused as children – either emotionally, physically or sexually. The number of people who have experienced this is shocking and tragic. Getting past any of these is difficult, but I can’t imagine anything worse than living with the pain and trauma of childhood sexual abuse. Today I am sharing a blog about this written for MOPS International by my friend Tammy Kennington.
Tammy is a writer, speaker, educator, and child abuse awareness advocate who will soon complete certification in trauma work. Familiar with the impact of trauma, mental illness, and parenting in the hard places, Tammy hopes to lead others toward a deeper understanding of themselves and their relationship with the God who loves them.
She has authored five children’s nonfiction books and has also written articles and devotions for Thriving Family, MOPS, Upper Room, and several other publications. When she isn’t writing, Tammy is likely discovering unmatched socks and candy wrappers tucked beneath the cushions of the couch or drinking a cup of Calming Chamomile tea as her children configure a boxing ring in the front yard with traffic cones and twine.
Tammy is a talented writer. In this piece, she describes very well the circumstances and feelings she experienced as a child. Be aware, if you have experienced sexual abuse, this article could trigger you. ****TRIGGER WARNING****
I dragged them into marriage and motherhood unwillingly: the memories of my childhood. They tracked my steps and lurked in the shadows until it was safe for them to emerge; when my life had settled into the predictable patterns of children’s soccer games, playdates and family dinners.
I remembered bits and parts, but the shadows refused to remain tucked away. They invaded my sleep with images of my stepfather. He was as real in my nightmares as he had been in the dark of my room when I was a little girl. The way he looked at me as he approached my bed. His smile false and threatening; words of twisted love watering the hate I harbored in the unseen corners of my heart.
Within those black dreams, I could sence his anger rising; smell the whiskey mixing with his cologne and the stale scent of Marlboros. Curse words erupted from a reddened face, his fist splitting the tender flesh just above my mother’s left eye; her chin jerking toward the ceiling as if someone yanked hard on an invisible rope attached to the back of her head.
Night after night, my husband awakened to the choked sounds of fear gathered in the back of my throat. Pulling me close, he’d stroke my hair and wipe my tears until the thrumming of my heart settled.
“You’re safe,” he’d say. “I’ve got you.”
But my memory paid visits during the day, too, and I began to think I was losing my mind. The triggers of the smell of Old Spice in the grocery store or the slamming of a door sent me reeling; transporting me to a time and place I wanted desperately to forget.
Anxiety, depression and fear became my constant companions as I crowded my journal with pleas begging God for peace. Deliverance. Freedom.
Before long, thoughts of dying became as much a part of my day as living and I wondered how I could entertain such horrible ideas when I finally had the family I’d always hoped for – a loving, devoted husband and precious, beautiful children.
One bleak, chilly day I wandered into the family room. Without emotion, I planted myself in front of my husband. “I feel like something is dying inside,” I said. I felt as brittle as the brown leaves on the tree outside our front door and doubted I’d ever feel joy again.
Not long afterward, with the help of a counselor, I began the slow path to healing. And, link by link, the chains of my past were loosened. Some required more prying and harder work than others. A few only gave way to counseling or prayer. A remnant held on stubbornly for years and required multiple types of therapy. Many times, the temptation to give up loomed almost as large as my desire to take back fully living. Finally, one beautiful day, the chains lay broken at my feet and I stretched out my arms – embracing freedom – as joy left its trail on my cheeks.
Now, with a microphone poised in my hands, I stand before a room full of young mothers. They need to know. There is hope for freedom. Surprised to discover that my knees aren’t quaking and my voice is steady, I tell them important truths.
“One in four girls,” I say. “One in 15 children.” Tweet This
I glance around the room and notice women shifting in their chairs, discomfort etched on their faces. I wonder if they’ll rise in unison and leave the room. People don’t discuss child sexual abuse or domestic violence in polite company, yet I’m announcing to a roomful of strangers that I wear a large letter S – Survivor.
I know the ugly side of evil. I’ve been its recipient. Lust. Hatred. Unforgiveness. I understand how it feels to be trapped in a maze of memories. I was the child who believed she had been abandoned. The little girl who doubted her worth. The woman who yearned to escape to a place of promise and freedom from the past.
I tell them what I needed to hear when brokenness held me in its grasp. When I could barely breathe because the pain of my past continued to twist its hard edges around my life, disrupting marriage, motherhood and mental health.
The words come tripping off my tongue and I long for them to experience the loosing of chains, the breaking of bonds, the freedom of wholeness.
“God sees you,” I say. “Whether you bear the wounds of abuse, divorce or a broken relationship, he sees you. The tears you’ve cried? The silent weeping of your wounded soul? He hears you. God wants to set you free. He can break the chains of the past. Do you believe it? Will you begin to trust him today as he leads you into freedom?”
Perhaps your story runs as deep as mine, Friend. Maybe you’ve tucked the secret of your hurt and shame away, never having shared it with anyone. It could be that only one or two people know about the hard of your story.
Can I encourage you? Tell someone. Invite people you trust to be part of your journey. When you do, you’ll begin to chip away at those chains and you’ll be one step closer to freedom – with God at your side. (Published with permission by MOPS International)
As a counselor, I work with many who were sexually abused as children. I was shocked when I heard it from one of my first clients. Sadly, I am no longer shocked. Working with adult abuse victims, I hear about their childhood sexual abuse way too often. This in itself is a tragedy. What is worse is that these victims are often made to feel as if their abuse was their fault. They feel dirty, worthless and used. Please hear me when I say, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU IS NOT YOUR FAULT.  Anyone who would sexually abuse a person – especially a child – is just plain evil. Yes, I believe there is evil in the world. I fully believe God is furious with these perpetrators and anyone who suggests a victim should keep silent about their abuse. As Tammy says, God came to set us free, not to keep us in bondage. I encourage you to take the steps you need in order to be freed from this terrible injustice. It starts with telling a trustworthy person (friend, family member, pastor or counselor) what happened to you. Then, take steps to get past your pain. 
If you would like to pre-order Tammy’s new ebook, Moving from Pain to Peace–A Journey Toward Hope, visit www.tammykennington.com and complete the form on the Pain to Peace tab. The e-book releases on August 25th and you’ll receive it in your inbox as her gift to you.

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Question: Have you experienced childhood sexual abuse? What are you doing to move to a place of freedom?
It may be hard for you to believe God cares about you and your pain. He DOES.
In Matthew 18:6, Jesus says: “If anyone causes one of these little ones—those who believe in me—to stumble, it would be better for them to have a large millstone hung around their neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea.”
Through Solomon, God declares:
 I saw the tears of the oppressed—

    and they have no comforter;

power was on the side of their oppressors—

   and they have no comforter. Ecclesiastes 4:1
In Psalm 82:2-4, God chides us:
How long will you defend the unjust

    and show partiality to the wicked?

Defend the weak and the fatherless;

    uphold the cause of the poor and the oppressed.

Rescue the weak and the needy;

    deliver them from the hand of the wicked.
God’s call to each of us is to rise up and defend the weak and oppressed. This begins with victims getting the courage to tell their story, and for the rest of us to support them in any way possible.
Lord, please give us strength and courage to share our stories and defend victims. Amen
Caroline

Pastors, Protect Your Church

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Pastors, protect your flock from wolves

The folks at A Cry For Justice recently shared a guest blog  written by an American pastor. After dealing with abusers in his own church, this pastor came to several surprising conclusions about how a pastor should handle abuse within the church. It was so right on, I am going to share the entire blog here.
In his excellent book on pastoral ministry, Timothy Witmer proposes four duties of the pastor. Taking his cues from the Bible, he uses the image of a shepherd to describe these duties. A shepherd must know the flock, feed the flock, lead the flock, and protect the flock.
Witmer’s main idea of protecting the flock is geared toward protecting doctrine. A shepherd must warn and rebuke sheep who are being led astray by unbiblical teachings. But perhaps we should also take a more literal understanding of this duty. A shepherd must use the authority he has to protect those in the church who are oppressed. And this is no more applicable than in situations of abuse. Pastors must protect the sheep from those who would do harm, regardless of whether the harm is doctrinal, physical, emotional, spiritual, or sexual. Here’s my contention for this article: pastors should take the lead in protecting the abused and in exposing the abusers.
In order for this to take place, we pastors must examine ourselves and how we think about abuse in the church. If we are passive, we will fail to lead. If we are well-meaning but ignorant, we will fail to understand and take action. If we are fearful, we will take the easy road and avoid confrontation.
But if we are faithful shepherds, we will stand up for justice, protect and empower the abused, and stand up to oppressors. Tweet This
As Proverbs 25:26 reminds us, “Like a muddied spring or a polluted fountain is a righteous man who gives way before the wicked.”
So, what must we do? How can we, as under-shepherds of the flock of God, protect the flock from those who would abuse precious children of God? I propose five changes we need to make.
First, we must reconsider our theological perspective.
In seminary I was taught that there are no biblical grounds for divorce. This is called the permanence view of marriage. I felt uncomfortable with the idea and yet I accepted it. The professors obviously knew the Bible better than I did, and who was I to disagree? But gradually, I came to see that much of what passed for biblical scholarship were exercises in how to be stricter than Jesus and more conservative than the Bible. Through much study, I eventually came to see that the exceptions Jesus and Paul provided for divorce were given to protect the afflicted.
But this was quite the opposite of our theological perspectives… we were inadvertently empowering those who were oppressive! Those who were abusers! I regret to reveal to you that I once sat across from a woman who had divorced her husband because of physical abuse and told her, as compassionately as I could, that physical abuse was not a biblical ground for divorce. I’m glad she knew better, even though she didn’t know the theology to back herself up.
I won’t, at this time, lay out a case for the biblical grounds of divorce. However, I now believe that abuse is a biblical ground for divorce. In changing my view, I don’t think I’ve become less biblical, but more biblical. You don’t have to come to the exact same conclusions I have in order to protect victims of abuse, but I would ask you to prayerfully examine your understanding of Scripture on this issue. Does your view protect the abuser or the victim? If it tends toward protecting the abuser, then I would contend you should either reconsider your view or diligently research how you can hold to your view and at the same time protect the oppressed in your church. We must protect the flock among us.
Second, we must recognize the characters.
I consider myself a terrible judge of character and experience seems to bear this out. However, there are key indicators for recognizing those who are abusers and those who are abused. Through much reading I became aware of these indicators and it was amazing how quickly things began to line up in my understanding.
I vividly remember a counseling session between a husband and wife. The woman was quiet and unsure of herself. She had trouble explaining what exactly the problem was. She knew there was a problem, but she couldn’t articulate what it was. She seemed like she wanted to work things out. She was eager for individual counseling, but very resistant to couples counseling.
The man on the other hand was quite confident and self-assured. He was ready and willing to confess his sins (or at least some of them). He was a champion of grace! Yes, he had messed up. But surely, since God forgives us fully and freely in Christ, so should his wife. He was resistant to individual counseling, but eager for couples counseling. After all, they were married and if they were going to work on their marriage, they needed to work on their marriage together.
As pastors deal with situations of abuse we can begin to experience something like “the fog” that those who are abused experience. There have been times I’ve questioned myself… Am I crazy? Am I just imagining things? Other leaders who have been with me had struggled with the same doubts. In those cases, if we hadn’t had one another, we likely would have fallen prey to those questions and ignored the issues. We stuck together and helped one other. And each time we came close to thinking we were actually the crazy ones, a new bit of information would come out that reinforced our commitment to the woman being abused.
Thankfully, the articles I read and the professionals I talked to helped to lift the fog from my mind and I was able to think clearly. Then it all began making sense. All of it matched up to what I’d discovered regarding the abuser and the abused. It all seemed so simple.
Pastors, if we’re going to protect our flock against abuse, we need to recognize the characters.
Third, we need to regain an understanding of the reality of evil.
I believe in the doctrine of total depravity. That means that every aspect of our humanity has been tainted by sin. Before I encountered abuse in the church, I’m not sure I truly understood the reality of evil that could take place in the midst of the church. Often, we in the church are so quick to identify and denounce sin outside of the church. Evil is that which takes place outside off the church, not within it, right?
I had to experience it firsthand to discover this truth: real evil exists sometimes within the church. Even during “the fog” I didn’t quite believe it, but it has become clear. As time has gone on I have come to see that abuse is evil. Wicked. Of the devil. There’s no other way to describe it. The abuser, then, must be confronted as one who is working evil against a precious lamb in the flock of God.
We won’t easily come to this conclusion if we think that evil people are simply outside the church. Perhaps this is one area by which we have been infected by our culture. Why are we so reluctant to call something evil for which no other description will do? The Scripture in Isaiah 5:20 says, “Woe to those who call evil good and good evil, who put darkness for light and light for darkness, who put bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter.” But we have failed in this: we have hesitated in calling evil, “evil”!
One challenge you may face is that people will call evil anything but evil. They’ll call it lack of communication. They’ll call it personality. They’ll call it misunderstanding. They’ll call it anything and everything except what it actually is: evil.
But if we are to protect the flock, we will have to identify evil and label it. We will have to call evil, “evil”. We will need to regain an understanding of the reality of evil… and know that it can sometimes take place in the church.
Fourth, we need to reassess our pastoral capacity.
As I mentioned previously, pastors feel “the fog” when dealing with abuse cases, especially if it’s all new to them. When I first encountered abuse, it was like walking through a pitch-dark, unfamiliar room. The truth is I wasn’t prepared. I wasn’t competent. I didn’t have the capacity to deal with it myself.
In fact, without the advice of professional Christian counselors I don’t think I would have stayed the course of protecting the flock. Without them I very likely would have gone down the wrong path, ignoring the signs and turning a blind eye to abuse.
I learned from these counselors that you can’t do couples counseling in an abusive situation (The abuser hates that, by the way). I learned from them the signs of an abuser. They helped me put the pieces of the puzzle together. They helped blow away the fog of confusion and uncertainty. When I wasn’t sure, they were, and it gave me confidence.
I also had elders, and for this I am immensely thankful. Without them I may have caved, and without me they may have caved. If we hadn’t been together, on the same page, we likely would have failed to protect the one who was being abused. That’s what I mean. We need to reassess our pastoral capacity. We need others. Others who are educated and skilled in the areas of abuse. And for those times of wavering we need brothers and sisters to hold us up. To stand with us. To not give up no matter what the cost will be.
In fact, there may come a point at which you’ll have to decide what loss you’re willing to take to protect the flock. Will you stand your ground no matter the cost? If the whole church collapses? If you lose your reputation? You probably won’t be able to make that stand alone. If you reassess your own pastoral capacity, you’ll likely conclude that you need a team of counselors, leaders, and faithful friends in order faithfully protect the flock from abuse.
Fifth, we need to revamp our approach.
I haven’t done everything perfectly in abuse situations. I’ve made a lot of mistakes. I have regrets. Two stand out in my mind.
The first regret is this: In some cases, the church leadership should have worked more quickly to remove the abuser from the church. Even if pastors and church leaders know enough to move toward removal, there may be an internal pressure to wait… to see if the man will repent… to make sure you aren’t making a mistake. Admittedly, this is a difficult call. However, looking back I can see instances in which we should have moved more quickly to remove an abuser from the church.
Here’s why: Often an abuser will make attempts to broaden the circle of those in the know. He will work to gain allies, often good men, but good men who aren’t aware of the whole truth. Although some allies of abusers are abusers themselves, some are ignorant of the circumstances and have the best of intentions. They mean well, but often they are deceived because of their reasonability and goodwill toward the abuser. Moving more quickly can help minimize the damage done to these good men and to the church as a whole.
The second regret is that in some cases we should have named the abuse earlier and more explicitly, especially to the congregation. The word abuse is taboo in the American church. No one wants to say it even if it’s taking place. We try to reserve it for what we view as extreme cases, as if all abuse isn’t extreme. Some reserve the term for physical abuse only, but we should consider that abuse takes many forms (spiritual, emotional, verbal, sexual, etc.) and all of them are serious and wicked.
Naming abuse explicitly accomplishes a couple of things. First, it educates the congregation. It educates them that abuse includes more than simply physical harm. It educates them that abuse is real and present even in the most theologically astute, devotionally vibrant, or morally strict churches. It educates them that abuse must be called out… must be named… must be exposed.
Second, naming abuse explicitly helps the congregation know how to relate to the abuser and the one being abused. This is a difficult call, and specific to each situation. But in many situations a congregation can be helped to think through these relationships more clearly. In order to protect the whole flock and not simply one member of the flock, we will need to inform the church of the evil schemes of the abuser. If they’re not informed it’s more likely that they will be confused about how to relate to each of the persons involved. If confusion exists, it is possible that the abuser will continue to be welcomed and the victim will be further alienated.
Pastors have been given a great responsibility. We’re reminded of it in Paul’s words to the elders at Ephesus in Acts 20:28–32:

Pay careful attention to yourselves and to all the flock, in which the Holy Spirit has made you overseers, to care for the church of God, which he obtained with his own blood. I know that after my departure fierce wolves will come in among you, not sparing the flock; and from among your own selves will arise men speaking twisted things, to draw away the disciples after them. Therefore be alert, remembering that for three years I did not cease night or day to admonish every one with tears. And now I commend you to God and to the word of his grace, which is able to build you up and to give you the inheritance among all those who are sanctified.

The church of God that we are called to care for has been obtained with his own blood, the blood of Jesus Christ. Our task will prove challenging at times. Cases of abuse, no doubt, will often prove to be beyond our own abilities. Our work is often filled with triumphs, but also with tears. But we can be confident of this: that Christ endured much more for our sake and for the sake of his church. He gave his very life for the protection and salvation of his flock. And now, we as under-shepherds have been given the task of reflecting, in some way, the sacrifice of the Great Shepherd. We do so not by our own strength or for our own glory, but as those who have been commended to God and to the word of his grace, which will build us up and give us the inheritance all God’s people are promised.
The pastor ends his blog with the following.
Question: Pastors, how will YOU protect your flock from abusers?
I thought this blog was brilliant. Some of my favorite points are:

As the leader of the church, it is the pastor’s duty to protect his flock.
Yes, there is evil in the church. When churches refuse to acknowledge that, it is a like a shepherd inviting a wolf into the sheep pen – no one is safe.
It is often difficult to identify an abuser. This is partly because they are masters at creating brain “fog” in those around them, and often seem like the “better” person in the relationship.
We need to acknowledge that we should NEVER counsel a couple together when there is abuse in the relationship. This puts the victim in danger, and helps no one.
Pastors need elders to stand with them and for them in order to combat the evil of abuse.
Entire congregations need to be educated about abuse, and about a specific abuser, so that others won’t mistakenly support the abuser rather than the victim.

I applaud this pastor for taking the time, energy, and courage to learn about abuse and defend against it. He admits that he made many mistakes along the way – hurting those who most needed protecting. If you or your pastor wants to become educated about domestic violence within the church, I invite you to check out my Domestic Violence Guide for Churches.  This guide describes the abuse cycle, how abusers hide like wolves in sheep’s clothing, and ways churches can stand up to abusers and protect their victims.
Matthew 7:15 says: “Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves.”
Let’s pray. Lord, I pray that your church will become educated about domestic violence and be willing to defend against it. Give those of us who have experienced abuse courage to help educate those who lead our churches. Amen.
May the Lord bless you all today,
Caroline