Caroline Abbott's Blog, page 5
July 28, 2019
What Stops Domestic Violence?
[image error]
The statistics for domestic violence are staggering. According to the National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey created by the Center for Disease Control, “1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men in the United States have experienced some form of physical violence by an intimate partner.” Compare this to the statistics for breast cancer offered by BreastCancer.org : About 1 in 8 U.S. women (about 12%) will develop invasive breast cancer over the course of her lifetime. If I am reading this right,
there are twice as many women who are likely to be physically abused as there are women who are likely to get breast cancer.
Tweet This
How much money do you think is spent on breast cancer awareness versus the amount of money spent preventing domestic violence? I won’t climb up on my soap box, I will leave that for another day. My intention today is to discuss how we can prevent domestic violence. I recently read a blog written for the Stop Abuse Campaign by attorney Barry Goldstein that gives an answer to this question, which I summarize below. Note: This blog focuses on physical abuse, and on male perpetrators. The same principles apply to emotional abuse, and to female perpetrators.
Courts Must Learn Basics about Domestic Violence
Four decades after domestic violence first became a public issue our courts still don’t understand the causes and effective responses to domestic violence. Attempting to resolve DV cases without fundamental DV knowledge is like sending children to unregulated daycare; we keep seeing avoidable tragedies in which children are abused and some die.
When domestic violence (DV) first became a public issue there was no research available. Courts developed their initial responses based on popular assumptions that DV was caused by substance abuse, mental illness and the actions of the victims. This led courts to turn to mental health professionals for advice as if they were the experts about domestic violence. In fairness, this mistake was made in good faith, but was never corrected after research demonstrated the initial assumptions were wrong.
Myths about the Cause of Domestic Violence Still Prevalent
Domestic violence is not caused by mental illness, being under the influence of drugs or alcohol, or by anger management problems. It is caused by someone who feels they are entitled to control their intimate partners and children.
People do not engage in behavior that they would not consider when sober even if they are under the influence of drugs or alcohol. This is why non-abusive men do not assault their partners even if they had too much to drink. The men who assault their partners while under the influence engage in a pattern of coercive and controlling behavior while sober and believe they have a right to control their partners. In other words, substance abuse just makes their abuse worse.
I often illustrate the issue of anger management with the following example: Imagine if an abuser meets his partner at a party. When she does something he defines as improper he doesn’t assault her at the party where there would be witnesses and consequences. Instead he assaults her in the privacy of their home because he has good reason to believe there will be no consequences to him. The abuser was fully capable of controlling his anger if it was to his advantage.
The criminal justice system often uses leniency as a response to first time offenders. This can work well in other types of crimes but is completely misdirected in DV cases. Domestic violence is the most underreported crime so the first time an abuser comes to the attention of the criminal justice system is unlikely to be the first time he committed a crime, much less engaged in other domestic violence tactics. This may be the only chance the court system has to change the dynamics.
Most abusers tell their victims that if they report his crimes no one will believe them, or they have some way to avoid punishment. When the court system fails to take any effective action, it confirms everything he said. She took a risk in reporting his crime and may be punished for doing so. The court failure to create meaningful consequences tells her that they won’t help her. She will never make the mistake of seeking help again.
But the criminal justice system measures its “success” by repeat arrests. So, the court believes they did the right thing while the victim suffers in silence and he can tell custody courts and criminal courts he never abused anyone.
The Only Proven Response to Domestic Violence
Literally billions of dollars have been spent trying to prove batterer programs are effective in preventing domestic violence. The best result has been inconclusive. The important findings are that
only accountability and monitoring are useful in changing abusers’ behavior.Tweet This
This finding is supported by real life examples where communities that used practices based on accountability and monitoring saw a dramatic reduction in domestic violence crime and especially murders.
Ignorance of DV 101 Has Consequences
The research is clear. Anyone can benefit from therapy or from stopping their substance abuse. People who truly cannot control their anger can benefit from anger management programs. Batterer programs can provide courts with an additional consequence to use for domestic violence offenders.
Courts need to understand, however that just completing any of these programs does not make an abuser safe. Treating these programs as if it cures the abuser endangers his partner and the community. Mental illness, substance abuse and anger are issues separate from domestic violence. Nevertheless, many courts routinely treat these separate issues as if they solve the domestic violence problem.
Batterer programs were created, not based on scientific research, but simply because it seemed like society needed some response to domestic violence. The problem is that it is a simple solution to a complex problem. In the Duluth Model, their batterer program was supposed to be a small part of a much wider community response. Communities will have to change fundamental beliefs, practices and values in order to prevent domestic violence.
Cities like Quincy, Nashville and San Diego used a group of best practices that included strict enforcement of criminal laws, protective orders and probation rules; practices designed to make it easier for victims to leave; and a coordinated community response. These best practices led to a dramatic reduction in domestic violence crime and especially murder.
Until now, our country has been reluctant to make the changes needed to prevent domestic violence. In other words they were unwilling to take domestic violence seriously. Perhaps the “Me Too” movement; publicity around our lax enforcement of rape and domestic violence; and frequency that domestic violence offenders commit mass murders will encourage needed reforms.
Criminal courts need to impose meaningful sanctions for domestic violence and create findings so that the abusers cannot later deny their crimes. When courts allow men to engage in therapy, anger management or substance abuse treatment as a substitute for accountability the courts throw away their one chance to break the cycle of abuse.
Undeserved leniency is similarly ineffective and supports the message that society does not take domestic violence seriously. These dangerous decisions also show that the judges and professionals they rely on are unfamiliar with research every judge should have. It makes no sense to rely on ineffective responses when only accountability and monitoring have been proven to change abusers’ behavior.
Effect of Domestic Violence on Children
Court officials who are responsible for the health and safety of children must understand that domestic violence is not caused by mental illness, substance abuse, anger issues or the actions of the victim. It is possible for an abuser to change, but it rarely happens out of the blue. It usually requires accountability and monitoring. At a minimum, an abuser who is changing his behavior would recognize he is solely responsible for the harm he has caused; he will be committed to never abuse anyone again; and will understand that if he ever abuses someone he will lose the relationship with his children.
Children do benefit when they can have both parents in their lives. They will be harmed if they lose their relationship with their father. The problem is that the harm of having a relationship with an abuser is far greater than the harm of having no relationship. The Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) survey tells us that living with the fear and stress abusers cause significantly shortens children’s lives and leads to a lifetime of health and social problems. It is a choice no judge with knowledge of the ACE Research would make. The only good solution is for the abuser to sincerely change his behavior. Pretending to change is just a continuation of his manipulation.
In Summary
Most abusers come before the courts only once. If they are not given strict, swift punishment, their victims will often not seek help ever again. In order to prevent domestic violence, offenders must be given strict consequences on their first offense. Communities would also be wise to institute other measures, such as helping DV victims leave safely (with financial support) and family courts not giving offenders custody of their children. A small slap on the wrist will do nothing to prevent an offender from continuing their abuse. Proverbs 24:23-25 agrees:
These also are sayings of the wise:
To show partiality in judging is not good:
Whoever says to the guilty, “You are innocent,”
will be cursed by peoples and denounced by nations.
But it will go well with those who convict the guilty,
and rich blessing will come on them.
Question: Have you ever reported an abuser? What did the police/courts do?
I long for the day our country takes domestic violence seriously, and begins holding abusers accountable for their actions.
Caroline
The statistics for domestic violence are staggering. According to the National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey created by the Center for Disease Control, “1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men in the United States have experienced some form of physical violence by an intimate partner.” Compare this to the statistics for breast cancer offered by BreastCancer.org : About 1 in 8 U.S. women (about 12%) will develop invasive breast cancer over the course of her lifetime. If I am reading this right,
there are twice as many women who are likely to be physically abused as there are women who are likely to get breast cancer.
Tweet ThisHow much money do you think is spent on breast cancer awareness versus the amount of money spent preventing domestic violence? I won’t climb up on my soap box, I will leave that for another day. My intention today is to discuss how we can prevent domestic violence. I recently read a blog written for the Stop Abuse Campaign by attorney Barry Goldstein that gives an answer to this question, which I summarize below. Note: This blog focuses on physical abuse, and on male perpetrators. The same principles apply to emotional abuse, and to female perpetrators.
Courts Must Learn Basics about Domestic Violence
Four decades after domestic violence first became a public issue our courts still don’t understand the causes and effective responses to domestic violence. Attempting to resolve DV cases without fundamental DV knowledge is like sending children to unregulated daycare; we keep seeing avoidable tragedies in which children are abused and some die.
When domestic violence (DV) first became a public issue there was no research available. Courts developed their initial responses based on popular assumptions that DV was caused by substance abuse, mental illness and the actions of the victims. This led courts to turn to mental health professionals for advice as if they were the experts about domestic violence. In fairness, this mistake was made in good faith, but was never corrected after research demonstrated the initial assumptions were wrong.
Myths about the Cause of Domestic Violence Still Prevalent
Domestic violence is not caused by mental illness, being under the influence of drugs or alcohol, or by anger management problems. It is caused by someone who feels they are entitled to control their intimate partners and children.
People do not engage in behavior that they would not consider when sober even if they are under the influence of drugs or alcohol. This is why non-abusive men do not assault their partners even if they had too much to drink. The men who assault their partners while under the influence engage in a pattern of coercive and controlling behavior while sober and believe they have a right to control their partners. In other words, substance abuse just makes their abuse worse.
I often illustrate the issue of anger management with the following example: Imagine if an abuser meets his partner at a party. When she does something he defines as improper he doesn’t assault her at the party where there would be witnesses and consequences. Instead he assaults her in the privacy of their home because he has good reason to believe there will be no consequences to him. The abuser was fully capable of controlling his anger if it was to his advantage.
The criminal justice system often uses leniency as a response to first time offenders. This can work well in other types of crimes but is completely misdirected in DV cases. Domestic violence is the most underreported crime so the first time an abuser comes to the attention of the criminal justice system is unlikely to be the first time he committed a crime, much less engaged in other domestic violence tactics. This may be the only chance the court system has to change the dynamics.
Most abusers tell their victims that if they report his crimes no one will believe them, or they have some way to avoid punishment. When the court system fails to take any effective action, it confirms everything he said. She took a risk in reporting his crime and may be punished for doing so. The court failure to create meaningful consequences tells her that they won’t help her. She will never make the mistake of seeking help again.
But the criminal justice system measures its “success” by repeat arrests. So, the court believes they did the right thing while the victim suffers in silence and he can tell custody courts and criminal courts he never abused anyone.
The Only Proven Response to Domestic Violence
Literally billions of dollars have been spent trying to prove batterer programs are effective in preventing domestic violence. The best result has been inconclusive. The important findings are that
only accountability and monitoring are useful in changing abusers’ behavior.
Tweet ThisThis finding is supported by real life examples where communities that used practices based on accountability and monitoring saw a dramatic reduction in domestic violence crime and especially murders.
Ignorance of DV 101 Has Consequences
The research is clear. Anyone can benefit from therapy or from stopping their substance abuse. People who truly cannot control their anger can benefit from anger management programs. Batterer programs can provide courts with an additional consequence to use for domestic violence offenders.
Courts need to understand, however that just completing any of these programs does not make an abuser safe. Treating these programs as if it cures the abuser endangers his partner and the community. Mental illness, substance abuse and anger are issues separate from domestic violence. Nevertheless, many courts routinely treat these separate issues as if they solve the domestic violence problem.
Batterer programs were created, not based on scientific research, but simply because it seemed like society needed some response to domestic violence. The problem is that it is a simple solution to a complex problem. In the Duluth Model, their batterer program was supposed to be a small part of a much wider community response. Communities will have to change fundamental beliefs, practices and values in order to prevent domestic violence.
Cities like Quincy, Nashville and San Diego used a group of best practices that included strict enforcement of criminal laws, protective orders and probation rules; practices designed to make it easier for victims to leave; and a coordinated community response. These best practices led to a dramatic reduction in domestic violence crime and especially murder.
Until now, our country has been reluctant to make the changes needed to prevent domestic violence. In other words they were unwilling to take domestic violence seriously. Perhaps the “Me Too” movement; publicity around our lax enforcement of rape and domestic violence; and frequency that domestic violence offenders commit mass murders will encourage needed reforms.
Criminal courts need to impose meaningful sanctions for domestic violence and create findings so that the abusers cannot later deny their crimes. When courts allow men to engage in therapy, anger management or substance abuse treatment as a substitute for accountability the courts throw away their one chance to break the cycle of abuse.
Undeserved leniency is similarly ineffective and supports the message that society does not take domestic violence seriously. These dangerous decisions also show that the judges and professionals they rely on are unfamiliar with research every judge should have. It makes no sense to rely on ineffective responses when only accountability and monitoring have been proven to change abusers’ behavior.
Effect of Domestic Violence on Children
Court officials who are responsible for the health and safety of children must understand that domestic violence is not caused by mental illness, substance abuse, anger issues or the actions of the victim. It is possible for an abuser to change, but it rarely happens out of the blue. It usually requires accountability and monitoring. At a minimum, an abuser who is changing his behavior would recognize he is solely responsible for the harm he has caused; he will be committed to never abuse anyone again; and will understand that if he ever abuses someone he will lose the relationship with his children.
Children do benefit when they can have both parents in their lives. They will be harmed if they lose their relationship with their father. The problem is that the harm of having a relationship with an abuser is far greater than the harm of having no relationship. The Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) survey tells us that living with the fear and stress abusers cause significantly shortens children’s lives and leads to a lifetime of health and social problems. It is a choice no judge with knowledge of the ACE Research would make. The only good solution is for the abuser to sincerely change his behavior. Pretending to change is just a continuation of his manipulation.
In Summary
Most abusers come before the courts only once. If they are not given strict, swift punishment, their victims will often not seek help ever again. In order to prevent domestic violence, offenders must be given strict consequences on their first offense. Communities would also be wise to institute other measures, such as helping DV victims leave safely (with financial support) and family courts not giving offenders custody of their children. A small slap on the wrist will do nothing to prevent an offender from continuing their abuse. Proverbs 24:23-25 agrees:
These also are sayings of the wise:
To show partiality in judging is not good:
Whoever says to the guilty, “You are innocent,”
will be cursed by peoples and denounced by nations.
But it will go well with those who convict the guilty,
and rich blessing will come on them.
Question: Have you ever reported an abuser? What did the police/courts do?
I long for the day our country takes domestic violence seriously, and begins holding abusers accountable for their actions.
Caroline
July 14, 2019
What is Spiritual Abuse?
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Those who have experienced domestic violence in their intimate partner relationships or families may have been abused in many ways: emotionally, psychologically, physically, sexually, financially. Often, they will also experience spiritual abuse. What exactly is spiritual abuse? I recently read a great description of spiritual abuse in the book Ethics and Spiritual Care: A Guide for Pastors and Spiritual Directors.* This book is written for church leaders to police their own behavior. Abuse in relationships is not the only place that people are spiritually abused. This also happens in churches. Here is Karen Lebacqz’s definition of spiritual abuse:
Spiritual abuse happens when a leader uses his or her spiritual position to control or dominate others. Spiritual abuse happens when leaders require “spiritual performance” in accord with an exacting standard and then make people feel inadequate when they cannot meet that standard. Engendering a sense of unworthiness becomes central to abuse. Spiritual abuse happens when judgment is leveled at someone who is in need of support. In most instances, spiritual abuse involves someone feel that their spirituality is defective; in many instances shame is used to get someone to support the view of the more powerful person.
Based on these examples and definitions . . . there is a certain anatomy to spiritual abuse. This anatomy, or structure, includes the fact that one party is powerful and the other more vulnerable, that the powerful one assumes that his or her authority is beyond question, and that the powerful one shifts the focus of concern away from the problem as perceived by the vulnerable one and toward seeing the vulnerable person as the problem. Spiritual abuse, they argue, can only come from a place of power or perceived power. Thus, most of the time, abuse will be perpetrated by the leader or professional who holds power in the situation.
Spiritual abuse is grounded in two roots. First is a scriptural root that defines “false” spiritual leaders (Matthew 23) and compares two spiritual systems (Matt. 11:28-30). The “true” spiritual system is under the reign of God and intends to bring life and freedom to people. The “false” spiritual system is under the rule of people, who try to control the behavior of others. In a true spiritual system, God’s yoke is light (Matt. 11:30). Jesus railed against false spiritual leaders in his day, and similarly there will be false spiritual leaders in our day.
When weary souls go to church, they seek “living water” but are in danger of finding “vipers” who suck their lifeblood instead.Tweet This
The second root is family systems theory, in which abusive family systems are shame relations that undermine one’s sense of self. In a healthy family, people are allowed to make mistakes, and the personhood of the child is affirmed. Abusive parents create an “unsafe space,” and too harsh and judgmental. They hold up standards that are impossible for children to meet, they tear their children down, or they use their children to meet their own needs.
Question: Does this sound like your parents, or your intimate partner, or your church leader?
My Experience
I have personally experienced spiritual abuse twice.
From my abusive husband.
The first time was from my abusive first husband. He was emotionally and verbally abusive to me. He would often rage at me, calling me names, and telling me what a horrible wife and mother I was. Then, when he was really angry, he would simply stop talking to me . . . to the point he would pretend I did not exist for up to a month at a time. When he came out of these spells, he would often spiritually abuse me. He would tell me that I did not understand the Bible. He would say that a good wife submitted to her husband, and since I did not anticipate everything that he might ever want (which changed on a daily basis), I was not submitting to him, and therefore I was not a good wife. Because I was not a good wife and mother, I was not a good Christian. For years I tried to jump through the hoops he set up for me, in hopes that I could keep our family intact, and not have to divorce.
After enduring this for many years, I turned to my pastor for help. I asked him to hold my husband accountable for his actions. My husband was a good liar, and could be charming. He convinced the pastor that he was sorry for his behavior, and was seeking counseling. (He did seek counseling, but only in the hopes that the counselor would tell me how “wrong” I was for “lying” to the pastor about his actions.) In reality, once I spoke to the pastor, he never spoke a civil word to me again. For the last year of our marriage the only way he spoke to me was when he was raging (verbal abuse) or when he would email me, telling me what to do, and abusing me further.
Things got worse and worse, which isn’t unusual. An abuser’s actions generally accelerate and get more abusive over time, and this was certainly true for my husband. Soon, he was physically abusing me, hitting me, pinning me down, physically threatening me. I eventually came to the realization he was never going to change, so I sought (and was granted) a restraining order against him. Guess what he did next? He called the pastor from whom I had sought help, and played the victim. He told the pastor I had kicked him out, and that I had gotten a non-Christian lawyer. This led up to my second round of spiritual abuse.
From my pastor.
The pastor then called me and asked me what was happening. When I told him, he said, “You know, God hates divorce, and the Bible says that a Christian should never take another Christian to court.”** I was seething. I said “I asked you for help a year ago, and you did nothing to help me. You have known what is happening here all this time, and you refused to hold my husband accountable. I am going to hang up before I say something I will regret.”
I moved forward with the divorce. A few months later, I received a letter from my pastor. In it, I was told I had no biblical cause for divorce , and therefore, I should make an effort to reconcile with my husband. He listed several actions I should take, such as getting marital counseling , and going out on dates with him. If I refused to do these things, I should step down from the leadership positions I held in the church. I was LIVID! After I calmed down, I wrote him a letter saying that because I had a restraining order against my husband, who had abused me for years, I would not be going out on any dates with him. I would therefore be stepping down from my leadership positions.
What do we do with this?
Many of you who read my blogs are Christians, and many are not. Many people turn away from God, the church, and the Bible when they are spiritually abused. I can fully understand why. When someone who is supposed to love us (like significant others or family), or someone who is supposed to represent Jesus to the world (like pastors) twists the words of the Bible and abuses us, we understandably want to run from them. I chose to turn away from my abusive husband and abusive pastor and seek Jesus. I got a divorce and I left that church. Over the next few years, I remarried an amazing, loving man, and I found a new church, with an awesome pastor. My pastor recently did an excellent sermon on what the church SHOULD look like. I found it incredibly encouraging. Not all churches are safe, but finding a good one is priceless.
Jesus hated hypocrisy. In Matthew 23:2 – 4, 13 he said,
“The teachers of the law and the Pharisees sit in Moses’ seat. So you must be careful to do everything they tell you. But do not do what they do, for they do not practice what they preach. They tie up heavy, cumbersome loads and put them on other people’s shoulders, but they themselves are not willing to lift a finger to move them. . . Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You shut the door of the kingdom of heaven in people’s faces. You yourselves do not enter, nor will you let those enter who are trying to.”
If you have been spiritually abused, I am so sorry. This was never Jesus’s desire or plan.
Caroline
Those who have experienced domestic violence in their intimate partner relationships or families may have been abused in many ways: emotionally, psychologically, physically, sexually, financially. Often, they will also experience spiritual abuse. What exactly is spiritual abuse? I recently read a great description of spiritual abuse in the book Ethics and Spiritual Care: A Guide for Pastors and Spiritual Directors.* This book is written for church leaders to police their own behavior. Abuse in relationships is not the only place that people are spiritually abused. This also happens in churches. Here is Karen Lebacqz’s definition of spiritual abuse:
Spiritual abuse happens when a leader uses his or her spiritual position to control or dominate others. Spiritual abuse happens when leaders require “spiritual performance” in accord with an exacting standard and then make people feel inadequate when they cannot meet that standard. Engendering a sense of unworthiness becomes central to abuse. Spiritual abuse happens when judgment is leveled at someone who is in need of support. In most instances, spiritual abuse involves someone feel that their spirituality is defective; in many instances shame is used to get someone to support the view of the more powerful person.
Based on these examples and definitions . . . there is a certain anatomy to spiritual abuse. This anatomy, or structure, includes the fact that one party is powerful and the other more vulnerable, that the powerful one assumes that his or her authority is beyond question, and that the powerful one shifts the focus of concern away from the problem as perceived by the vulnerable one and toward seeing the vulnerable person as the problem. Spiritual abuse, they argue, can only come from a place of power or perceived power. Thus, most of the time, abuse will be perpetrated by the leader or professional who holds power in the situation.
Spiritual abuse is grounded in two roots. First is a scriptural root that defines “false” spiritual leaders (Matthew 23) and compares two spiritual systems (Matt. 11:28-30). The “true” spiritual system is under the reign of God and intends to bring life and freedom to people. The “false” spiritual system is under the rule of people, who try to control the behavior of others. In a true spiritual system, God’s yoke is light (Matt. 11:30). Jesus railed against false spiritual leaders in his day, and similarly there will be false spiritual leaders in our day.
When weary souls go to church, they seek “living water” but are in danger of finding “vipers” who suck their lifeblood instead.
Tweet ThisThe second root is family systems theory, in which abusive family systems are shame relations that undermine one’s sense of self. In a healthy family, people are allowed to make mistakes, and the personhood of the child is affirmed. Abusive parents create an “unsafe space,” and too harsh and judgmental. They hold up standards that are impossible for children to meet, they tear their children down, or they use their children to meet their own needs.
Question: Does this sound like your parents, or your intimate partner, or your church leader?
My Experience
I have personally experienced spiritual abuse twice.
From my abusive husband.
The first time was from my abusive first husband. He was emotionally and verbally abusive to me. He would often rage at me, calling me names, and telling me what a horrible wife and mother I was. Then, when he was really angry, he would simply stop talking to me . . . to the point he would pretend I did not exist for up to a month at a time. When he came out of these spells, he would often spiritually abuse me. He would tell me that I did not understand the Bible. He would say that a good wife submitted to her husband, and since I did not anticipate everything that he might ever want (which changed on a daily basis), I was not submitting to him, and therefore I was not a good wife. Because I was not a good wife and mother, I was not a good Christian. For years I tried to jump through the hoops he set up for me, in hopes that I could keep our family intact, and not have to divorce.
After enduring this for many years, I turned to my pastor for help. I asked him to hold my husband accountable for his actions. My husband was a good liar, and could be charming. He convinced the pastor that he was sorry for his behavior, and was seeking counseling. (He did seek counseling, but only in the hopes that the counselor would tell me how “wrong” I was for “lying” to the pastor about his actions.) In reality, once I spoke to the pastor, he never spoke a civil word to me again. For the last year of our marriage the only way he spoke to me was when he was raging (verbal abuse) or when he would email me, telling me what to do, and abusing me further.
Things got worse and worse, which isn’t unusual. An abuser’s actions generally accelerate and get more abusive over time, and this was certainly true for my husband. Soon, he was physically abusing me, hitting me, pinning me down, physically threatening me. I eventually came to the realization he was never going to change, so I sought (and was granted) a restraining order against him. Guess what he did next? He called the pastor from whom I had sought help, and played the victim. He told the pastor I had kicked him out, and that I had gotten a non-Christian lawyer. This led up to my second round of spiritual abuse.
From my pastor.
The pastor then called me and asked me what was happening. When I told him, he said, “You know, God hates divorce, and the Bible says that a Christian should never take another Christian to court.”** I was seething. I said “I asked you for help a year ago, and you did nothing to help me. You have known what is happening here all this time, and you refused to hold my husband accountable. I am going to hang up before I say something I will regret.”
I moved forward with the divorce. A few months later, I received a letter from my pastor. In it, I was told I had no biblical cause for divorce , and therefore, I should make an effort to reconcile with my husband. He listed several actions I should take, such as getting marital counseling , and going out on dates with him. If I refused to do these things, I should step down from the leadership positions I held in the church. I was LIVID! After I calmed down, I wrote him a letter saying that because I had a restraining order against my husband, who had abused me for years, I would not be going out on any dates with him. I would therefore be stepping down from my leadership positions.
What do we do with this?
Many of you who read my blogs are Christians, and many are not. Many people turn away from God, the church, and the Bible when they are spiritually abused. I can fully understand why. When someone who is supposed to love us (like significant others or family), or someone who is supposed to represent Jesus to the world (like pastors) twists the words of the Bible and abuses us, we understandably want to run from them. I chose to turn away from my abusive husband and abusive pastor and seek Jesus. I got a divorce and I left that church. Over the next few years, I remarried an amazing, loving man, and I found a new church, with an awesome pastor. My pastor recently did an excellent sermon on what the church SHOULD look like. I found it incredibly encouraging. Not all churches are safe, but finding a good one is priceless.
Jesus hated hypocrisy. In Matthew 23:2 – 4, 13 he said,
“The teachers of the law and the Pharisees sit in Moses’ seat. So you must be careful to do everything they tell you. But do not do what they do, for they do not practice what they preach. They tie up heavy, cumbersome loads and put them on other people’s shoulders, but they themselves are not willing to lift a finger to move them. . . Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You shut the door of the kingdom of heaven in people’s faces. You yourselves do not enter, nor will you let those enter who are trying to.”
If you have been spiritually abused, I am so sorry. This was never Jesus’s desire or plan.
Caroline
*Lebacqz, Karen. Ethics and Spiritual Care: A Guide for Pastors and Spiritual Directors (pp. 131-133). Abingdon Press. Kindle Edition.
**This comes from 1 Corinthians 6:1-7. In this passage, the Apostle Paul talks about the common practice of that day, when people habitually took others to court over trivial matters (being cheated). This is not the same thing as taking someone to court to get free from their mental/physical abuse.
June 30, 2019
The Gift of Retreat and Asking Big Questions
[image error]Have you ever been on a retreat? My church offers women’s retreats once every other year. They usually invite a speaker who gives a talk 3 or 4 times over the weekend. We breakout into small groups to discuss what the speaker has talked about, and get to know each other better. While these times are instructive, and I enjoy growing closer to the women at the church, I often come home more tired than when I left. Many years ago, I read a book that suggested taking a solitary retreat for a half-day every 3 months. I have been doing this for 13 years. This is a gift I give myself. The best thing about the retreat center I visit is that it is completely silent. As a person whose mind rarely rests, and who has a large, noisy family, spending 5 or 6 hours in complete silence, unplugged from phones, texts, emails, etc. is incredibly restful. This center has acres of beautiful grounds, with deer peacefully grazing. I often spend an hour or more walking the grounds, praying and listening to uplifting music as I walk. Sometimes I take a nap, I often read the Bible and do a lot of journaling. I feel huge burdens lifting off my shoulders. It is wonderful!
A few months ago, when I visited the retreat center, I was struggling spiritually. Several difficult things had been happening in my family, and I was wrestling with the question: “Do bad things happen because God has given humans free will and they often make bad choices? Or, is God completely sovereign, and he either plans or allows everything that happens?” In order to help me understand this, I broke my rule, and used my cell phone to google this question. I read many blogs by theologians and pastors. After spending more than an hour reading their ideas, I came to the conclusion:
It is both. And I will never understand this.Tweet This
If pastors and theologians who have spent their lives studying this question don’t understand how both these things could be true, I won’t be able to either. Then I realized this wasn’t really my question. The question I really wanted answered was: “How does God’s sovereignty mesh with our suffering?” I did another google search and finally found a blog by the Gospel Coalition entitled 4 Reasons God Ordains Suffering for His People .
Reason #1 – To Kill Sin and Grow Godliness
The author says, “If you’ve trusted in Christ as the Savior and Lord of your life, you can rest in the truth that your afflictions and sufferings come to you for your ultimate good and his ultimate glory. . . If we’re prone to love something in this world—house, spouse, children, job—more than God, he may sometimes remove the idol.”
This was eye opening to me. I decided this could very well be at the root of my current suffering. So, I searched my heart for what my idols might be. I wrote down every situation that irritates or annoys me – and there were many. I then looked them all over and tried to discern what my idols are. The biggest one was “I want an easy and worry-free life.” Now, it is not a sin to want this. But, when I don’t get it, how do I react? Do I begin trying to control others whose poor choices cost me worry, time, and money? Do I withhold love from them? Do I speak negatively about them? Do I dwell on their mistakes to the point that I become depressed? I am sorry to say, for me, the answer is yes to all the above.
Reason #2 – To Relinquish the Temporal for the Eternal
As Christians, this world is not our home. Our true home is with God in heaven. Suffering often releases us from grasping onto things of this world, and teaches us to grasp onto the eternal.
Reason #3 -To Produce a Hypocrisy-Free Church
When we suffer, we get to choose whether to cling to God or to forsake him. When suffering falls on the church as a whole, those that are “fair weather friends” of Jesus fall away.
Reason #4 – To Bear Witness to the World
When a believer suffers well because of their faith, this is a witness to those who don’t know Jesus. People may ask, “How can you have such hope and peace at a time like this?” This can then lead them to a faith of their own.
After I read this blog, I found another written by Billy Graham: Suffering, Why Does God Allow It? This blog also gives some good reasons. But the one that meant the most to me was:
Reason #5 – To Move Me to Compassion for Others, and Others to Compassion for Me
When we suffer, we can learn to have compassion for others who are suffering. Also, while we suffer, we can receive compassion from others who have suffered in the past. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 says: Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.
After this, I began summarizing all I learned that day at the retreat center. I realized that in these 5 reasons, there are 3 groups who benefit from suffering:
Me – I benefit by learning to release my hold on the things of this earth, and can turn my heart toward heaven. I also benefit by letting go of the things that I love more than God. Does this mean I should not love my home, my family, my job? Of course not. But, when I love them more than I love God, I put myself in a bad position. All these things I love are temporary. I could lose them at any moment. If I can learn to hold them loosely in my hands, and teach myself to turn to God for my comfort and peace, I am way ahead.
God – If I learn to suffer well, this will demonstrate God’s peace and hope to the world, pointing people to him.
Others – When I suffer, I can learn to have compassion for others that are suffering.
I then listed all the negative things that have happened to me during my life, including being abused by my first husband. Out of the 11 items I listed, I realized that I had benefitted from 8 of them! Here is one example. After my abuse, God led me to write two books and this blog to help others. Yes, these things have helped others, but mostly, they have helped me. Through this work, I have gained a sense of purpose, and have experienced lots of personal healing.
I hope this blog has encouraged you to set aside some time for your own retreat. Maybe you cannot afford to go to a retreat center, or maybe you don’t have one nearby. Maybe sitting in complete silence does not seem restful to you. In this case, try to be creative. Do you love hanging out in a coffee shop? Can you afford a cup of coffee? Is there a park near your home you could visit? Do you love hanging out in the library? The point isn’t that you need to do this exactly as I do.
The point is that taking time to rest is good self-care. AND YOU ARE WORTH IT!!Tweet This
Question: How could you take time away for rest and reflection?
I pray you find some time, and put taking care of yourself at the top of your list.
Caroline
A few months ago, when I visited the retreat center, I was struggling spiritually. Several difficult things had been happening in my family, and I was wrestling with the question: “Do bad things happen because God has given humans free will and they often make bad choices? Or, is God completely sovereign, and he either plans or allows everything that happens?” In order to help me understand this, I broke my rule, and used my cell phone to google this question. I read many blogs by theologians and pastors. After spending more than an hour reading their ideas, I came to the conclusion:
It is both. And I will never understand this.
Tweet ThisIf pastors and theologians who have spent their lives studying this question don’t understand how both these things could be true, I won’t be able to either. Then I realized this wasn’t really my question. The question I really wanted answered was: “How does God’s sovereignty mesh with our suffering?” I did another google search and finally found a blog by the Gospel Coalition entitled 4 Reasons God Ordains Suffering for His People .
Reason #1 – To Kill Sin and Grow Godliness
The author says, “If you’ve trusted in Christ as the Savior and Lord of your life, you can rest in the truth that your afflictions and sufferings come to you for your ultimate good and his ultimate glory. . . If we’re prone to love something in this world—house, spouse, children, job—more than God, he may sometimes remove the idol.”
This was eye opening to me. I decided this could very well be at the root of my current suffering. So, I searched my heart for what my idols might be. I wrote down every situation that irritates or annoys me – and there were many. I then looked them all over and tried to discern what my idols are. The biggest one was “I want an easy and worry-free life.” Now, it is not a sin to want this. But, when I don’t get it, how do I react? Do I begin trying to control others whose poor choices cost me worry, time, and money? Do I withhold love from them? Do I speak negatively about them? Do I dwell on their mistakes to the point that I become depressed? I am sorry to say, for me, the answer is yes to all the above.
Reason #2 – To Relinquish the Temporal for the Eternal
As Christians, this world is not our home. Our true home is with God in heaven. Suffering often releases us from grasping onto things of this world, and teaches us to grasp onto the eternal.
Reason #3 -To Produce a Hypocrisy-Free Church
When we suffer, we get to choose whether to cling to God or to forsake him. When suffering falls on the church as a whole, those that are “fair weather friends” of Jesus fall away.
Reason #4 – To Bear Witness to the World
When a believer suffers well because of their faith, this is a witness to those who don’t know Jesus. People may ask, “How can you have such hope and peace at a time like this?” This can then lead them to a faith of their own.
After I read this blog, I found another written by Billy Graham: Suffering, Why Does God Allow It? This blog also gives some good reasons. But the one that meant the most to me was:
Reason #5 – To Move Me to Compassion for Others, and Others to Compassion for Me
When we suffer, we can learn to have compassion for others who are suffering. Also, while we suffer, we can receive compassion from others who have suffered in the past. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 says: Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.
After this, I began summarizing all I learned that day at the retreat center. I realized that in these 5 reasons, there are 3 groups who benefit from suffering:
Me – I benefit by learning to release my hold on the things of this earth, and can turn my heart toward heaven. I also benefit by letting go of the things that I love more than God. Does this mean I should not love my home, my family, my job? Of course not. But, when I love them more than I love God, I put myself in a bad position. All these things I love are temporary. I could lose them at any moment. If I can learn to hold them loosely in my hands, and teach myself to turn to God for my comfort and peace, I am way ahead.
God – If I learn to suffer well, this will demonstrate God’s peace and hope to the world, pointing people to him.
Others – When I suffer, I can learn to have compassion for others that are suffering.
I then listed all the negative things that have happened to me during my life, including being abused by my first husband. Out of the 11 items I listed, I realized that I had benefitted from 8 of them! Here is one example. After my abuse, God led me to write two books and this blog to help others. Yes, these things have helped others, but mostly, they have helped me. Through this work, I have gained a sense of purpose, and have experienced lots of personal healing.
I hope this blog has encouraged you to set aside some time for your own retreat. Maybe you cannot afford to go to a retreat center, or maybe you don’t have one nearby. Maybe sitting in complete silence does not seem restful to you. In this case, try to be creative. Do you love hanging out in a coffee shop? Can you afford a cup of coffee? Is there a park near your home you could visit? Do you love hanging out in the library? The point isn’t that you need to do this exactly as I do.
The point is that taking time to rest is good self-care. AND YOU ARE WORTH IT!!
Tweet ThisQuestion: How could you take time away for rest and reflection?
I pray you find some time, and put taking care of yourself at the top of your list.
Caroline
June 16, 2019
What Does Attachment Have to Do With PTSD?
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Did you know that your attachment as a baby with your primary caregiver (usually your mother*) may affect whether you will get Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) if you experience trauma?
I am reading a book called The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel Van Der Kolk, M.D. In Chapter 7, entitled “Getting on the Same Wavelength: Attachment and Attunement,” the author gives a brief overview of a psychological development theory called Attachment Theory. Attachment Theory says that if a baby is securely attached to their mother, they will be able to weather the storms of life. Attachment theorists John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth spent a lot of time studying the interactions between mothers and their babies to see what mothers do to help their babies become securely attached. “Good enough” mothers are attuned to their babies’ emotions. These mothers are able to learn what each different cry of their baby means. They can tell you if the child is hungry, tired or sick.
Babies and mothers who are in tune with each other mirror the expressions of the other. One researcher stuck out his tongue at 6-hour old babies, and the babies immediately stuck their tongues out in response! When babies and their mothers are in sync with each other on an emotional level, they are also in sync physically. When a baby is in sync with the mother, the baby’s sense of connection is reflected in a steady heartbeat and breathing, and a low level of stress hormones. The mother and the child mirror each other’s voice and facial expressions. This helps the child build an internal locus of control, which is a key part of learning to cope with whatever the child experiences in life. When the mother and the child are in sync, the child learns that the world is a safe place and that he/she can positively affect his/her environment.
Van Der Kolk shares two scenarios that describe whether a mother is in tune with her child.
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In Tune Mother
A mother was playing with her son. They were cooing to each other and having a wonderful time. Then, the mother leaned in to nuzzle him, and the baby, in his excitement, yanked her hair. The mother yelped in pain, and her face became angry. The baby let go and they pulled away from each other. The frightened baby put his hands over his face to block out the sight of his mother. The mother realized he was upset, and she began making soothing sounds to calm him down. In just a few moments, he moved his hands away from his eyes and looked to see if the coast was clear. The mother reached toward him with a concerned expression. She began tickling his belly and he began to giggle. Their harmony was reestablished, and they were in tune again.
[image error]Out of Tune Mother
This mother has difficulty mirroring her baby and being sensitive to what her baby needs. In this scenario, the mother and baby began looking and smiling at each other. The baby grew tired and looked away from his mother briefly. The mother could not tell that the child needed a momentary break. She bent down and put her face in front of the child. When he pulled away even more, she began speaking louder and poking him to get him to look at her again. At this point, the baby was truly aggravated and began crying. Instead of soothing the child, the mother jostled him roughly. Soon, he is wailing, and the mother gave up in frustration. An out of sync mother does not learn how to calm her child, which often makes her feel like a failure. She will not enjoy being with her child, who she will view as difficult and unloving. Over time, she will give up trying to comfort him and she will then be more apt to neglect or abuse him.
What Causes a Mother to Be Out-of-Sync with Her Child?
Perhaps you are wondering why some people have trouble synchronizing with their children. This might happen because they were themselves parented by an out-of-sync mother. It may be because they are depressed or suffering from some other mental health issue or have an addiction to drugs or alcohol. It might be because they are preoccupied with their own trauma: abuse, rape, poverty, the death of a loved one. I did not write this blog to shame mothers who are out of sync, but to identify the problem, and offer some ideas for solutions.
How Can Being Raised by an Out-of-Sync Parent Lead to PTSD?
When a mother is unable to meet her baby’s impulses and needs, the baby soon learns to become the mother’s idea of what he should be. He learns to discount his inner sensations and learns that something is wrong with who he really is. He will instead try to please his mother by ignoring his own feelings. This child will become vulnerable to shutting down his body’s feedback. He will be unable to discern whether he is feeling happy and content, or angry and nervous.
Children who are neglected or abused see the people around them as potential threats.
Tweet ThisThey will be in a constant state of anxiety, wondering what the people around them will do to them. They do not learn how to regulate their own emotions. Some children respond by completely shutting down. These children are more apt to be victimized by others because they do not know how to read the cues of other people. They cannot tell when a person is safe or not safe. Or, these children may become aggressive and learn to victimize others.
People who did not learn how to regulate their own emotions as children are more susceptible to developing PTSD when they experience something traumatic. They are unable to regain their equilibrium when they are violated. In one example of this, a study was done of children who were hospitalized for severe burns. Those who felt safe with their mothers did not develop PTSD, and they required less morphine to control their pain. Those who did not have a secure attachment with their mothers often developed PTSD and needed more painkiller. Their lack of secure attachment affected them both emotionally and physically.
What Can We Do?
If you were raised by a mother who was not in tune with you, you may have many struggles. You may not be able to read your own emotions. You may experience hyperarousal, or you may be completely shut down. Living this way puts you at risk for being victimized by others. What can you do to heal from this? Van Der Kolk gives a few suggestions:
Seek counseling from a therapist trained in treating trauma
Get EMDR (Eye-Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) therapy
Practice mindfulness and grounding
Learn to inhabit your body by practicing yoga
Seek brain healing through neurofeedback
Learn to re-sync with others through dance, theater, chorus.
What can you do if you were raised by an out-of-sync mother, and you are now a parent yourself? First of all, know that you don’t need to be a perfect parent in order to raise a healthy child. All parents make mistakes, and if you are a “good enough” parent, your child will not be adversely affected. But what if you are concerned you are NOT a good enough parent? How can you learn to be in sync with your own child when you did not experience this yourself? Here are a few suggestions:
Learn from in sync parents around you. Watch how they interact with their babies. Ask them questions. Ask them for feedback about how you relate to your own child.
Take parenting courses.
Work with a child psychologist. Ask him/her to help you parent successfully.
Read books about parenting, especially those that talk about attachment.
I invite you to read The Body Keeps the Score to learn more about attachment, how trauma affects the brain and body, and what can be done to heal from trauma.
If you find yourself in this blog, either as the child, or the parent, remember, you are not alone as you strive for healing.
Isaiah 41:10 says:
So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
May you feel God’s love and care for you today.
Caroline
* Whoever your primary caregiver is
June 2, 2019
Take Off the Pain Goggles Before Dating Again
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Have you recently left an intimate relationship that was unhealthy or abusive? If so, your first inclination might be to find someone better to replace your old love, ASAP! Who could blame you? You have been through hell. Your self-esteem needs a boost. It feels great to be in love! Won’t a new love fix your pain?
I believe the answer is a resounding NO.
Tweet This
Getting into a new relationship before healing from the last one will only compound your pain. Laura Charanza agrees with me. I recently read her new book called Ugly Love: A Survivor’s Story of Narcissistic Abuse where she talks about this. She asks the question:*
If you have done all work to leave an abusive relationship with a narcissist, why would you want to do it all over again?Tweet This
When we go from one relationship to the next without taking time to heal, we often (unwittingly) choose someone just as unhealthy as the person we left. Charanza quotes Rebecca Lynn Pope who recommends taking time to heal before dating again for that reason. She says, “At the end of the day, when you aren’t healed, you are wearing pain goggles. You see everything through a hurting cloud. Your vision isn’t clear. Which means you could meet a really great person and tell yourself, ‘No, I’m good. He or she is weird, and certainly not for me.'”
However, that person may be a great man or woman you just passed by because you are used to being in a relationship with someone who is broken and unhealed. Perhaps you are used to a narcissist. You are still more comfortable around the man** who brags about himself, likes to be the center of attention, displays charisma, and makes you feel like a princess. You still don’t see that underneath that mound of whipped cream, he is a bowl of poison.
Pope reminds us that when we are unhealed and trying to date, meet the mild-tempered, kind, sweeter man and tell ourselves, “hmmm . . . I don’t know about him. He seems weak. I want a manly man. I want a boss.”
However, when you are healed, you “take off the pain goggles and your vision clears. Your spirit is free, and you meet this wonderful man who is sweet, kind and mild-tempered and all you feel is peace. Your peace resonates with his peace and you are like wow, you are amazing.”
How do we take off our pain goggles? Often, to heal from our past, we have to slog through more pain. This is not a fun time. But I believe it is necessary. We might need individual counseling. We may need to join a support group. We might be asked to relive some terrible moments. It would be easier to deny our current and past pain. But denial solves nothing. Until we look at ourselves and why we have made unhealthy choices in the past, we will be destined to make the same mistakes over and over again. And, to me at least, that is no way to live.
I am passionate about helping others heal from difficult childhoods, and/or abusive intimate partner relationships. I have written countless blogs about this topic. I have also written a book called A Journey to Healing After Emotional Abuse. I invite you to check them out.
We often believe that God does not care about our healing. This couldn’t be further from the truth.
Psalm 34:18 says:
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
In John 10:10, Jesus said:
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.
I hope this blog has encouraged you to strive for your own healing before you jump into a new relationship, possibly compounding your pain.
Bless you all,
Caroline
Have you recently left an intimate relationship that was unhealthy or abusive? If so, your first inclination might be to find someone better to replace your old love, ASAP! Who could blame you? You have been through hell. Your self-esteem needs a boost. It feels great to be in love! Won’t a new love fix your pain?
I believe the answer is a resounding NO.
Tweet ThisGetting into a new relationship before healing from the last one will only compound your pain. Laura Charanza agrees with me. I recently read her new book called Ugly Love: A Survivor’s Story of Narcissistic Abuse where she talks about this. She asks the question:*
If you have done all work to leave an abusive relationship with a narcissist, why would you want to do it all over again?
Tweet ThisWhen we go from one relationship to the next without taking time to heal, we often (unwittingly) choose someone just as unhealthy as the person we left. Charanza quotes Rebecca Lynn Pope who recommends taking time to heal before dating again for that reason. She says, “At the end of the day, when you aren’t healed, you are wearing pain goggles. You see everything through a hurting cloud. Your vision isn’t clear. Which means you could meet a really great person and tell yourself, ‘No, I’m good. He or she is weird, and certainly not for me.'”
However, that person may be a great man or woman you just passed by because you are used to being in a relationship with someone who is broken and unhealed. Perhaps you are used to a narcissist. You are still more comfortable around the man** who brags about himself, likes to be the center of attention, displays charisma, and makes you feel like a princess. You still don’t see that underneath that mound of whipped cream, he is a bowl of poison.
Pope reminds us that when we are unhealed and trying to date, meet the mild-tempered, kind, sweeter man and tell ourselves, “hmmm . . . I don’t know about him. He seems weak. I want a manly man. I want a boss.”
However, when you are healed, you “take off the pain goggles and your vision clears. Your spirit is free, and you meet this wonderful man who is sweet, kind and mild-tempered and all you feel is peace. Your peace resonates with his peace and you are like wow, you are amazing.”
How do we take off our pain goggles? Often, to heal from our past, we have to slog through more pain. This is not a fun time. But I believe it is necessary. We might need individual counseling. We may need to join a support group. We might be asked to relive some terrible moments. It would be easier to deny our current and past pain. But denial solves nothing. Until we look at ourselves and why we have made unhealthy choices in the past, we will be destined to make the same mistakes over and over again. And, to me at least, that is no way to live.
I am passionate about helping others heal from difficult childhoods, and/or abusive intimate partner relationships. I have written countless blogs about this topic. I have also written a book called A Journey to Healing After Emotional Abuse. I invite you to check them out.
We often believe that God does not care about our healing. This couldn’t be further from the truth.
Psalm 34:18 says:
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
In John 10:10, Jesus said:
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.
I hope this blog has encouraged you to strive for your own healing before you jump into a new relationship, possibly compounding your pain.
Bless you all,
Caroline
*page 150
** or woman
May 5, 2019
Giving Up Our Tendency to Overfunction
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In my last blog, I talked about how many of us tend to overfunction in our relationships. Think this is a 21st century idea? Nope. Moses, the prophet who led the Israelites out of Egypt was the quintessential overfunctioner. In Exodus 18:13, we see Moses acting as judge for the Israelites. Because he was the only judge, the people “stood around him from morning till evening.” Moses’ father-in-law Jethro said, “You and these people who come to you will only wear yourselves out. The work is too heavy for you; you cannot handle it alone,” (verse 18). He counseled Moses to appoint capable leaders to judge the people. Then, Moses would only need to judge the cases that could not be decided by these other judges. This left Moses free to teach and lead the people.
How can you use Jethro’s advice? In my last blog, I shared five current-day scenarios where people often tend to overfunction. Today, I will share some ideas for how you can even the scales.
In Friendships
Your best friend from college only calls you when she is upset about something. You go to meet her, hoping she will actually listen to YOU for a change. When you arrive, she is in a tizzy. Her latest boyfriend is treating her badly, her parents are controlling, and her boss doesn’t understand her. She spends an hour telling you all her troubles, but never once asks how you are doing. After you meet, she feels better, but you feel upset and used. What can you do? This is a friendship you may have to let go. But before you do that, you might try being honest with this friend. Perhaps she is not aware how selfish she is behaving. You have never spoken up, so she may not realize you are upset. The next time you meet, you could try saying something like, “I realize you have many things going on in your life that you probably want to talk about. I also have a lot going on in my life. I wonder if you would mind me sharing my concerns first today? I could really use a listening ear.” How your friend reacts will tell you a lot about her, and about your relationship. If she is not able or willing to listen to you, you have your answer.
At Work
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Your boss likes you to work in teams. He seems to prefer pairing you with “Sharon.” Sharon is a classic underfunctioner. She has many physical issues that require her to leave the office regularly. Her home life is a mess, so she must also leave work to take care of those. In order for you to get the projects done on time, you end up staying late and working weekends in order to complete the work you are supposed to be working on together. After all, if you don’t do it, who will? It seems Sharon has a lot of family issues, but this is not your problem. This would be a good time to have a heart-to-heart with your boss. You don’t need to throw Sharon under the bus, but you might say something like, “I would like to be paired with someone besides Sharon in the future. We don’t seem to work well together. Because of the many things Sharon is dealing with, I often end up doing the majority of the work alone. This is now causing me problems at home, with my health, and with my job satisfaction.” If your boss is willing to make changes, great. If not, it may be time to begin looking for a different job.
With Extended Family
Your sister seems to have trouble getting and keeping a good job. She is always being misunderstood by her coworkers, and must leave because she is not appreciated. Then, she finds a job that is “perfect.” The only problem is the job requires many late night and early morning hours. Because she is a single-mom and day care centers are only open during business hours, she needs someone to watch her daughter overnight. Of course, she cannot afford to pay anyone. You worry about who your sister might ask to watch your little niece. The latest “boyfriend?” The sketchy neighbor in the apartment down the hall? You offer to do it, and later wonder why you feel resentful. This is a tough situation. It isn’t your sister you are worried about, it is your innocent niece. You might begin with putting limits on how many nights a week you are willing to watch her. Perhaps you don’t mind doing it during the week, but you need your weekends free for your own health and well-being. Over time, you might decrease the number of days, until you are no longer responsible for watching her. If your sister does allow her daughter to stay with someone you deem to be unsafe, you can call Social Services and make an anonymous report. When your sister realizes she can no longer take advantage of you in this way, she may decide to stay with a job, or find a day job so that her daughter can stay in a safe day care.
With Your Kids
[image error]Your middle-school aged kids have a hard time waking up for school in the morning. You set an alarm for them each night. When it goes off in the morning, they turn it off, roll over and go back to sleep. You are up and dressed each morning early, making their lunches. Five minutes after their alarms go off, you begin to feel stressed. You don’t hear any movement from their rooms. You try to ignore it. Ten more minutes go by. At this point you are beginning to sweat. You just know they will miss their school bus again. You go upstairs and wake them from a deep sleep. They appear to be awake, so you return to the kitchen. Ten more minutes pass. By now, they really will be late. You return to their rooms, wake them again, this time, raising your voice and telling them to get up NOW. They roll out of bed, whining and complaining. They get dressed, slouch into the kitchen, looking for you to give them breakfast. There is no time for that. You hand them each a protein bar, their lunches, and rush them out the door, just as the bus arrives. You wonder why mornings are so stressful? Why won’t your kids get up like they should? By the time your kids are in middle school, they truly can get themselves up and out. They currently don’t because you are doing it for them. This will require some backbone. Give them each an alarm clock, and teach them how to set it. Let them know that you will no longer be waking them in the morning. Tomorrow, when the alarms go off and no one gets up, you will have to steel yourself. Do not rescue them. If they miss the bus, they might have to walk to school. It is no longer your problem. If it is unsafe for them to walk, tell them you will drive them . . . when it is convenient for you. You don’t need to rush. When you drop them off, do not excuse their tardiness. Let them feel the consequences of their behavior. Let them get a tardy, miss taking a test, or have to do an after-school detention. They need to learn that they are responsible for their own actions.
With Your Intimate Partner
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You get frustrated with your husband. Though you both work outside the home, he does very little around the house or with the kids. If one of your kids needs to go to the doctor during a work day, you do it. You sign the kids up for their after-school activities, set up carpools and leave work early when it is your turn to drive. You do all the meal planning, grocery shopping, cooking and dishes. You do the laundry, help the kids with their homework, listen to their problems, and tuck them in at night. If a repair needs doing in the house, you stay home and wait for the repair person. You take care of the yard, put out the trash, and shovel the snow. What is your husband doing while you are doing all these things? He makes sure he gets to the gym 4 times a week, meets friends for a beer after work and watches a lot of football on TV. When he is doing none of those things, he plays video games. You are exhausted and cranky. When do you get to do some self-care? I am exhausted thinking about all you are doing! You might begin by having a calm discussion with your husband. Tell him you are tired, and cannot keep going at this pace. You might decide you don’t mind doing all the household chores and childcare if you no longer have to work outside the home. You could share that as an option. If you both decide you must work, tell him what you are willing to do and what you no longer are. You might decide you will do everything for the kids, but everything else you will need him to do. If a repair is needed, don’t set up the appointment. If the oven isn’t working, you will no longer be able to cook until he sets up an appointment with the repair person and meets the person at the house during work hours. Order in until he does it. Stop taking care of the yard. If the weeds get 3 feet high, oh well. If he won’t put out the trash, the garage will smell. If the snow is not shoveled, not your problem. This will take a lot of courage on your part. If you persevere, he may step up to the plate. If he won’t, you have a big decision on your hands. Is this man worth keeping around?
Taking any of these steps to stop overfunctioning will take courage and resolve on your part.
Tweet This
Don’t be upset with yourself if you fall back into old habits at times. This is a process. You didn’t become an overfunctioner overnight, and you won’t fix this right away. Give yourself some grace.
Question: Can you envision yourself taking these steps in your own life?
May you feel God’s presence as you move away from overfunctioning. You are not alone.
Bless you,
Caroline
In my last blog, I talked about how many of us tend to overfunction in our relationships. Think this is a 21st century idea? Nope. Moses, the prophet who led the Israelites out of Egypt was the quintessential overfunctioner. In Exodus 18:13, we see Moses acting as judge for the Israelites. Because he was the only judge, the people “stood around him from morning till evening.” Moses’ father-in-law Jethro said, “You and these people who come to you will only wear yourselves out. The work is too heavy for you; you cannot handle it alone,” (verse 18). He counseled Moses to appoint capable leaders to judge the people. Then, Moses would only need to judge the cases that could not be decided by these other judges. This left Moses free to teach and lead the people.
How can you use Jethro’s advice? In my last blog, I shared five current-day scenarios where people often tend to overfunction. Today, I will share some ideas for how you can even the scales.
In Friendships
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Your best friend from college only calls you when she is upset about something. You go to meet her, hoping she will actually listen to YOU for a change. When you arrive, she is in a tizzy. Her latest boyfriend is treating her badly, her parents are controlling, and her boss doesn’t understand her. She spends an hour telling you all her troubles, but never once asks how you are doing. After you meet, she feels better, but you feel upset and used. What can you do? This is a friendship you may have to let go. But before you do that, you might try being honest with this friend. Perhaps she is not aware how selfish she is behaving. You have never spoken up, so she may not realize you are upset. The next time you meet, you could try saying something like, “I realize you have many things going on in your life that you probably want to talk about. I also have a lot going on in my life. I wonder if you would mind me sharing my concerns first today? I could really use a listening ear.” How your friend reacts will tell you a lot about her, and about your relationship. If she is not able or willing to listen to you, you have your answer.
At Work
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Your boss likes you to work in teams. He seems to prefer pairing you with “Sharon.” Sharon is a classic underfunctioner. She has many physical issues that require her to leave the office regularly. Her home life is a mess, so she must also leave work to take care of those. In order for you to get the projects done on time, you end up staying late and working weekends in order to complete the work you are supposed to be working on together. After all, if you don’t do it, who will? It seems Sharon has a lot of family issues, but this is not your problem. This would be a good time to have a heart-to-heart with your boss. You don’t need to throw Sharon under the bus, but you might say something like, “I would like to be paired with someone besides Sharon in the future. We don’t seem to work well together. Because of the many things Sharon is dealing with, I often end up doing the majority of the work alone. This is now causing me problems at home, with my health, and with my job satisfaction.” If your boss is willing to make changes, great. If not, it may be time to begin looking for a different job.
With Extended Family
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Your sister seems to have trouble getting and keeping a good job. She is always being misunderstood by her coworkers, and must leave because she is not appreciated. Then, she finds a job that is “perfect.” The only problem is the job requires many late night and early morning hours. Because she is a single-mom and day care centers are only open during business hours, she needs someone to watch her daughter overnight. Of course, she cannot afford to pay anyone. You worry about who your sister might ask to watch your little niece. The latest “boyfriend?” The sketchy neighbor in the apartment down the hall? You offer to do it, and later wonder why you feel resentful. This is a tough situation. It isn’t your sister you are worried about, it is your innocent niece. You might begin with putting limits on how many nights a week you are willing to watch her. Perhaps you don’t mind doing it during the week, but you need your weekends free for your own health and well-being. Over time, you might decrease the number of days, until you are no longer responsible for watching her. If your sister does allow her daughter to stay with someone you deem to be unsafe, you can call Social Services and make an anonymous report. When your sister realizes she can no longer take advantage of you in this way, she may decide to stay with a job, or find a day job so that her daughter can stay in a safe day care.
With Your Kids
[image error]Your middle-school aged kids have a hard time waking up for school in the morning. You set an alarm for them each night. When it goes off in the morning, they turn it off, roll over and go back to sleep. You are up and dressed each morning early, making their lunches. Five minutes after their alarms go off, you begin to feel stressed. You don’t hear any movement from their rooms. You try to ignore it. Ten more minutes go by. At this point you are beginning to sweat. You just know they will miss their school bus again. You go upstairs and wake them from a deep sleep. They appear to be awake, so you return to the kitchen. Ten more minutes pass. By now, they really will be late. You return to their rooms, wake them again, this time, raising your voice and telling them to get up NOW. They roll out of bed, whining and complaining. They get dressed, slouch into the kitchen, looking for you to give them breakfast. There is no time for that. You hand them each a protein bar, their lunches, and rush them out the door, just as the bus arrives. You wonder why mornings are so stressful? Why won’t your kids get up like they should? By the time your kids are in middle school, they truly can get themselves up and out. They currently don’t because you are doing it for them. This will require some backbone. Give them each an alarm clock, and teach them how to set it. Let them know that you will no longer be waking them in the morning. Tomorrow, when the alarms go off and no one gets up, you will have to steel yourself. Do not rescue them. If they miss the bus, they might have to walk to school. It is no longer your problem. If it is unsafe for them to walk, tell them you will drive them . . . when it is convenient for you. You don’t need to rush. When you drop them off, do not excuse their tardiness. Let them feel the consequences of their behavior. Let them get a tardy, miss taking a test, or have to do an after-school detention. They need to learn that they are responsible for their own actions.
With Your Intimate Partner
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You get frustrated with your husband. Though you both work outside the home, he does very little around the house or with the kids. If one of your kids needs to go to the doctor during a work day, you do it. You sign the kids up for their after-school activities, set up carpools and leave work early when it is your turn to drive. You do all the meal planning, grocery shopping, cooking and dishes. You do the laundry, help the kids with their homework, listen to their problems, and tuck them in at night. If a repair needs doing in the house, you stay home and wait for the repair person. You take care of the yard, put out the trash, and shovel the snow. What is your husband doing while you are doing all these things? He makes sure he gets to the gym 4 times a week, meets friends for a beer after work and watches a lot of football on TV. When he is doing none of those things, he plays video games. You are exhausted and cranky. When do you get to do some self-care? I am exhausted thinking about all you are doing! You might begin by having a calm discussion with your husband. Tell him you are tired, and cannot keep going at this pace. You might decide you don’t mind doing all the household chores and childcare if you no longer have to work outside the home. You could share that as an option. If you both decide you must work, tell him what you are willing to do and what you no longer are. You might decide you will do everything for the kids, but everything else you will need him to do. If a repair is needed, don’t set up the appointment. If the oven isn’t working, you will no longer be able to cook until he sets up an appointment with the repair person and meets the person at the house during work hours. Order in until he does it. Stop taking care of the yard. If the weeds get 3 feet high, oh well. If he won’t put out the trash, the garage will smell. If the snow is not shoveled, not your problem. This will take a lot of courage on your part. If you persevere, he may step up to the plate. If he won’t, you have a big decision on your hands. Is this man worth keeping around?
Taking any of these steps to stop overfunctioning will take courage and resolve on your part.
Tweet ThisDon’t be upset with yourself if you fall back into old habits at times. This is a process. You didn’t become an overfunctioner overnight, and you won’t fix this right away. Give yourself some grace.
Question: Can you envision yourself taking these steps in your own life?
May you feel God’s presence as you move away from overfunctioning. You are not alone.
Bless you,
Caroline
April 28, 2019
Do You Over-Function?
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Do you over-function in your relationships? Many of us do. What do I mean by over-functioning? Before I describe over-functioning, let me describe someone who is functioning optimally. (I found these descriptions in a blog by Dr. Will Meek.)
Optimal Functioning
“Functioning” refers to our ability to manage our life (make decisions, manage time and stress, etc.); to be responsible for the things we are involved with; and to operate as autonomous beings. When we are functioning optimally, we are often keeping a good schedule, staying on top of things, meeting deadlines with work and school, making decisions for ourselves even if some advice is sought, not taking more than our share of responsibility, and successfully fulfilling life roles like parent, employee, and partner. Think of an optimally functioning person as having 100% responsibility for his/her life.
Under-Functioning
This term is used to describe people who are less successful than our optimally functioning person at life management, fulfilling roles, and making decisions. Under-functioners (UFs) often rely on others to manage things for them, have problems maintaining progress on goals, and are often under-employed. UFs are often seen as “having so much potential but wasting it” in the eyes of others, and can be thought of as taking less than 100% responsibility for life (someone else takes the rest, which we will see in a moment).
Some common under-functioning characteristics are relying on others for advice on making decisions, communicating a sense of distress or need to others, self-sabotaging, frequently asking for or alluding to needing help, zoning out to TV or video games, making unwise career, relationship, or parenting decisions, appearing to others as lazy or unmotivated, and being somewhat immature for their age.
Over-Functioning
Almost always, someone who is under-functioning is paired with, or supported by someone that is over-functioning. This person can be seen as taking more than 100% of responsibility (100% of his/her own life, plus various amount of that from UFs). Over-functioners (OFs) are usually seen as people who “have it together”, are detail oriented, organized, and reliable, and are typically viewed as being reliable workers, partners, and parents.
Classic characteristics of over-functioning include being overly focused on another person’s problems or life situation, offering frequent advice or help to the other person, actually doing things that are part of the other person’s life responsibilities (and believing that “if I don’t do it, then it won’t happen”), feeling anger when help is not “appreciated” or the UF doesn’t change (or even want to), the OF believing he/she knows a better way for a UF to be living, and frequently feeling overwhelmed, stressed, and neglecting self-care. Over-functioning can be seen as a type of “enabling”, even though the intent is the opposite.
Some causes of over-functioning are being placed in that role as a young person or assuming the role as part of a family system, having anxiety related to watching someone else make mistakes or do things that seem unwise, feeling a sense of guilt or obligation to help someone, getting into a relationship when the other person’s under-functioning wasn’t visible or didn’t seem like a big deal, or using the other person’s life and problems as a distraction from one’s own.
In Relationships
Does any of this sound familiar to you? Perhaps you took on the “parent” role in your family of origin. Perhaps you did some/many of the tasks your parents or your under-functioning sibling(s) should have done. When you found your mate, perhaps some part of you felt they needed you. Perhaps you felt sorry for the way they were raised, or for the pain their former partner put them through. I know this was true of me. My first husband was abused as a child. He had difficulty trusting people. I wanted to prove that I was trustworthy, and that he was worthy of being loved. When an over-functioner partners with someone who is apt to be an under-functioner, this is not typically obvious at first. The OF feels loved, needed and wanted, and this feels great. OFs love helping others.
An over-functioner may over-function in many ways. They may take on more of the household responsibilities (cleaning, yard work, maintenance, childcare), or they may take on more of the emotional responsibilities. This might look like working hard to make sure the UF is always happy. The OF might take on all the relationship work for the couple’s children. The UF worries about his own needs, and the OF worries about the UFs needs, and the needs of all the children. This begs the question, who is taking care of the OFs needs? Usually, the answer is no one. Dr. Meek points out that in a relationship where one person is doing 95% and the other 105%, there is usually no problem. It is when the balance tips to the UF doing less and less, maybe 50% and the OF doing more, say 150% that things begin going very badly.
Examples
In Friendships
Your best friend from college only calls you when she is upset about something. You go to meet her, hoping she will actually listen to YOU for a change. When you arrive, she is in a tizzy. Her latest boyfriend is treating her badly, her parents are controlling, and her boss doesn’t understand her. She spends an hour telling you all her troubles, but never once asks how you are doing. After you meet, she feels better, but you feel upset and used. What is wrong with this relationship?
At Work
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Your boss likes you to work in teams. He seems to prefer pairing you with “Sharon.” Sharon is a classic under-functioner. She has many physical issues that require her to leave the office regularly. Her home life is a mess, so she must also leave work to take care of those. In order for you to get the projects done on time, you end up staying late and working weekends in order to complete the work you are supposed to be working on together. After all, if you don’t do it, who will?
With Extended Family
Your sister seems to have trouble getting and keeping a good job. She is always being misunderstood by her coworkers, and must leave because she is not appreciated. Then, she finds a job that is “perfect.” The only problem is the job requires many late night and early morning hours. Because she is a single-mom and day care centers are only open during business hours, she needs someone to watch her child overnight. Of course, she cannot afford to pay anyone. You worry about who your sister might ask to watch your little niece. The latest “boyfriend?” The sketchy neighbor in the apartment down the hall? You offer to do it, and later wonder why you feel resentful.
With Your Kids
[image error]Your middle-school aged kids have a hard time waking up for school in the morning. You set an alarm for them each night. When it goes off in the morning, they turn it off, roll over and go back to sleep. You are up and dressed each morning early, making their lunches. Five minutes after their alarms go off, you begin to feel stressed. You don’t hear any movement from their rooms. You try to ignore it. Ten more minutes go by. At this point you are beginning to sweat. You just know they will miss their school bus again. You go upstairs and wake them from a deep sleep. They appear to be awake, so you return to the kitchen. Ten more minutes pass. By now, they really will be late. You return to their rooms, wake them again, this time, raising your voice and telling them to get up NOW. They roll out of bed, whining and complaining. They get dressed, slouch into the kitchen, looking for you to give them breakfast. There is no time for that. You hand them each a protein bar, their lunches, and rush them out the door, just as the bus arrives. You wonder why mornings are so stressful? Why won’t your kids get up like they should?
With Your Intimate Partner
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You get frustrated with your husband. Though you both work outside the home, he does very little around the house or with the kids. If one of your kids needs to go to the doctor during a work day, you do it. You sign the kids up for their after-school activities, set up carpools and leave work early when it is your turn to drive. You do all the meal planning, grocery shopping, cooking and dishes. You do the laundry, help the kids with their homework, listen to their problems, and tuck them in at night. If a repair needs doing in the house, you stay home and wait for the repair person. You take care of the yard, put out the trash, and shovel the snow. What is your husband doing while you are doing all these things? He makes sure he gets to the gym 4 times a week, meets friends for a beer after work and watches a lot of football on TV. When he is doing none of those things, he plays video games. You are exhausted and cranky. When do you get to do some self-care?
Question: Do you see yourself living like any of these examples? Many of us do. Are we destined to live our lives taking on the burdens of others? Will we always feel exhausted and used? In Psalm 90:12, Moses, a quintessential over-functioner prays to God,
Teach us to number our days,
that we may gain a heart of wisdom.
We do not have to live our lives this way. There is hope.Tweet This
Until next week, may God bless you,
Caroline
Do you over-function in your relationships? Many of us do. What do I mean by over-functioning? Before I describe over-functioning, let me describe someone who is functioning optimally. (I found these descriptions in a blog by Dr. Will Meek.)
Optimal Functioning
“Functioning” refers to our ability to manage our life (make decisions, manage time and stress, etc.); to be responsible for the things we are involved with; and to operate as autonomous beings. When we are functioning optimally, we are often keeping a good schedule, staying on top of things, meeting deadlines with work and school, making decisions for ourselves even if some advice is sought, not taking more than our share of responsibility, and successfully fulfilling life roles like parent, employee, and partner. Think of an optimally functioning person as having 100% responsibility for his/her life.
Under-Functioning
This term is used to describe people who are less successful than our optimally functioning person at life management, fulfilling roles, and making decisions. Under-functioners (UFs) often rely on others to manage things for them, have problems maintaining progress on goals, and are often under-employed. UFs are often seen as “having so much potential but wasting it” in the eyes of others, and can be thought of as taking less than 100% responsibility for life (someone else takes the rest, which we will see in a moment).
Some common under-functioning characteristics are relying on others for advice on making decisions, communicating a sense of distress or need to others, self-sabotaging, frequently asking for or alluding to needing help, zoning out to TV or video games, making unwise career, relationship, or parenting decisions, appearing to others as lazy or unmotivated, and being somewhat immature for their age.
Over-Functioning
Almost always, someone who is under-functioning is paired with, or supported by someone that is over-functioning. This person can be seen as taking more than 100% of responsibility (100% of his/her own life, plus various amount of that from UFs). Over-functioners (OFs) are usually seen as people who “have it together”, are detail oriented, organized, and reliable, and are typically viewed as being reliable workers, partners, and parents.
Classic characteristics of over-functioning include being overly focused on another person’s problems or life situation, offering frequent advice or help to the other person, actually doing things that are part of the other person’s life responsibilities (and believing that “if I don’t do it, then it won’t happen”), feeling anger when help is not “appreciated” or the UF doesn’t change (or even want to), the OF believing he/she knows a better way for a UF to be living, and frequently feeling overwhelmed, stressed, and neglecting self-care. Over-functioning can be seen as a type of “enabling”, even though the intent is the opposite.
Some causes of over-functioning are being placed in that role as a young person or assuming the role as part of a family system, having anxiety related to watching someone else make mistakes or do things that seem unwise, feeling a sense of guilt or obligation to help someone, getting into a relationship when the other person’s under-functioning wasn’t visible or didn’t seem like a big deal, or using the other person’s life and problems as a distraction from one’s own.
In Relationships
Does any of this sound familiar to you? Perhaps you took on the “parent” role in your family of origin. Perhaps you did some/many of the tasks your parents or your under-functioning sibling(s) should have done. When you found your mate, perhaps some part of you felt they needed you. Perhaps you felt sorry for the way they were raised, or for the pain their former partner put them through. I know this was true of me. My first husband was abused as a child. He had difficulty trusting people. I wanted to prove that I was trustworthy, and that he was worthy of being loved. When an over-functioner partners with someone who is apt to be an under-functioner, this is not typically obvious at first. The OF feels loved, needed and wanted, and this feels great. OFs love helping others.
An over-functioner may over-function in many ways. They may take on more of the household responsibilities (cleaning, yard work, maintenance, childcare), or they may take on more of the emotional responsibilities. This might look like working hard to make sure the UF is always happy. The OF might take on all the relationship work for the couple’s children. The UF worries about his own needs, and the OF worries about the UFs needs, and the needs of all the children. This begs the question, who is taking care of the OFs needs? Usually, the answer is no one. Dr. Meek points out that in a relationship where one person is doing 95% and the other 105%, there is usually no problem. It is when the balance tips to the UF doing less and less, maybe 50% and the OF doing more, say 150% that things begin going very badly.
Examples
In Friendships
[image error]
Your best friend from college only calls you when she is upset about something. You go to meet her, hoping she will actually listen to YOU for a change. When you arrive, she is in a tizzy. Her latest boyfriend is treating her badly, her parents are controlling, and her boss doesn’t understand her. She spends an hour telling you all her troubles, but never once asks how you are doing. After you meet, she feels better, but you feel upset and used. What is wrong with this relationship?
At Work
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Your boss likes you to work in teams. He seems to prefer pairing you with “Sharon.” Sharon is a classic under-functioner. She has many physical issues that require her to leave the office regularly. Her home life is a mess, so she must also leave work to take care of those. In order for you to get the projects done on time, you end up staying late and working weekends in order to complete the work you are supposed to be working on together. After all, if you don’t do it, who will?
With Extended Family
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Your sister seems to have trouble getting and keeping a good job. She is always being misunderstood by her coworkers, and must leave because she is not appreciated. Then, she finds a job that is “perfect.” The only problem is the job requires many late night and early morning hours. Because she is a single-mom and day care centers are only open during business hours, she needs someone to watch her child overnight. Of course, she cannot afford to pay anyone. You worry about who your sister might ask to watch your little niece. The latest “boyfriend?” The sketchy neighbor in the apartment down the hall? You offer to do it, and later wonder why you feel resentful.
With Your Kids
[image error]Your middle-school aged kids have a hard time waking up for school in the morning. You set an alarm for them each night. When it goes off in the morning, they turn it off, roll over and go back to sleep. You are up and dressed each morning early, making their lunches. Five minutes after their alarms go off, you begin to feel stressed. You don’t hear any movement from their rooms. You try to ignore it. Ten more minutes go by. At this point you are beginning to sweat. You just know they will miss their school bus again. You go upstairs and wake them from a deep sleep. They appear to be awake, so you return to the kitchen. Ten more minutes pass. By now, they really will be late. You return to their rooms, wake them again, this time, raising your voice and telling them to get up NOW. They roll out of bed, whining and complaining. They get dressed, slouch into the kitchen, looking for you to give them breakfast. There is no time for that. You hand them each a protein bar, their lunches, and rush them out the door, just as the bus arrives. You wonder why mornings are so stressful? Why won’t your kids get up like they should?
With Your Intimate Partner
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You get frustrated with your husband. Though you both work outside the home, he does very little around the house or with the kids. If one of your kids needs to go to the doctor during a work day, you do it. You sign the kids up for their after-school activities, set up carpools and leave work early when it is your turn to drive. You do all the meal planning, grocery shopping, cooking and dishes. You do the laundry, help the kids with their homework, listen to their problems, and tuck them in at night. If a repair needs doing in the house, you stay home and wait for the repair person. You take care of the yard, put out the trash, and shovel the snow. What is your husband doing while you are doing all these things? He makes sure he gets to the gym 4 times a week, meets friends for a beer after work and watches a lot of football on TV. When he is doing none of those things, he plays video games. You are exhausted and cranky. When do you get to do some self-care?
Question: Do you see yourself living like any of these examples? Many of us do. Are we destined to live our lives taking on the burdens of others? Will we always feel exhausted and used? In Psalm 90:12, Moses, a quintessential over-functioner prays to God,
Teach us to number our days,
that we may gain a heart of wisdom.
We do not have to live our lives this way. There is hope.
Tweet ThisUntil next week, may God bless you,
Caroline
April 14, 2019
Submission – What the Bible Really Says
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Submission – What the Bible Really Says
Parents must stone their disobedient children (Deuteronomy 21:18-21).
It is a sin to wear clothing with more than one type of thread (Leviticus 19:19).
Do not cut the hair at the sides of your head or clip off the edges of your beard (Leviticus 19:27).
Do not plant your field with two kinds of seed (Leviticus 19:19).
Articles by Caroline Abbott about Submission
Biblical Submission does not mean agreeing with everything your husband says and giving up independent thought.
Biblical Submission does not mean that a wife gets her personal, spiritual strength from her husband. She gets her strength from God.
Biblical Submission does not mean that a wife should give up her efforts to influence and guide and help her husband be conformed to the image of Jesus. She can pray for him to be the leader God wants him to be.
Biblical Submission does not mean living in fearful intimidation of a husband who can strike out in physical, emotional, or spiritual abuse at any point.
abuse is sin
separating from an unrepentant abuser
standing up against abusive behavior
divorce after abuse
remarriage after divorce.
Articles by CryingOutForJustice
Articles by Leslie Vernick
Submission – What the Bible Really Says
Biblical Submission. This is a difficult topic. Many abusive spouses and churches take what God meant for good and twist it into something that keeps women in bondage to their abusive spouses. So, what does the Bible really say? My pastor often talks about reading the Bible “intelligently” rather than “literally.” When we read the Bible literally, we see things like:
Parents must stone their disobedient children (Deuteronomy 21:18-21).
It is a sin to wear clothing with more than one type of thread (Leviticus 19:19).
Do not cut the hair at the sides of your head or clip off the edges of your beard (Leviticus 19:27).
Do not plant your field with two kinds of seed (Leviticus 19:19).
So, how do we interpret verses like Ephesians 5:23-24 which say:
For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
I have frequently written about this topic because my first husband used the Bible to abuse me. When I went to my church for help, they also misused Bible verses to try to keep me in bondage to my abuser. I thought it might be good to share in one place several perspectives on this issue. Here are several blogs I have written:
Articles by Caroline Abbott about Submission
What Does Biblical Submission Really Mean?
Pastor Mark Hallock gave an excellent sermon on this topic. In it, he listed seven things biblical submission is NOT. Here are a few:
Biblical Submission does not mean agreeing with everything your husband says and giving up independent thought.
Biblical Submission does not mean that a wife gets her personal, spiritual strength from her husband. She gets her strength from God.
Biblical Submission does not mean that a wife should give up her efforts to influence and guide and help her husband be conformed to the image of Jesus. She can pray for him to be the leader God wants him to be.
Biblical Submission does not mean living in fearful intimidation of a husband who can strike out in physical, emotional, or spiritual abuse at any point.
This article looks at two Bible passages that are often used to keep women in their place, Ephesians 5:21-35 and Genesis 2:18-23. It views these passages through the eyes of biblical scholars who give insights into how these verses can be accurately read.
Are Women Called to Obey Their Husbands?
In this blog, I refer to Dr. Walter Kaiser’s work on this topic. Dr. Kaiser refers to Genesis 2:18 which says:
The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”
Dr. Kaiser’s translation of the words helper suitable are “a strong rescuer who is equal to the man.” Therefore, “suitable helper” does not connote a weaker, inferior or subordinate position. Her role may be different, but she is not less valuable, or less important.
Bible Verses About Domestic Violence
This article lists bible verses that talk about:
abuse is sin
separating from an unrepentant abuser
standing up against abusive behavior
divorce after abuse
remarriage after divorce.
Articles by CryingOutForJustice
The next several blogs are found on CryingOutForJustice.com, which is written by Pastor Jeff Crippen and Barbara Roberts. Both have studied what the Bible says about abuse, and both have written books on this topic.
When do I submit and when do I stand?
Most Christians have taught the ‘submit’ doctrine in a way that disempowers women. It teaches women to ignore their gut feelings, to put their legitimate needs and preferences and wishes aside. It discourages wives from using negotiation skills with their husbands. It deters wives from setting boundaries when their husbands behave selfishly or sinfully.
Should wives submit to harsh husbands just slaves submit to harsh master? (1 Peter 2 & 3)
By refusing to comply with abuse, the wife is doing good, being morally pure, trying to limit and curtail her husband’s sin and hold him accountable for it. Tweet This It is good to restrain sin and to try prevent it from running loose, is it not? When a husband is entrenched in a pattern of egregious sin against his wife, the wife actually shows RESPECT for him by judiciously setting boundaries against his abusiveness and by employing justice and truth to hold the husband accountable.
Does “Turn the Other Cheek” Mean We Must Submit to Abuse?
There are numerous instances in scripture of Jesus and the Apostles refusing to submit themselves to evil.
1 Peter 3:6 — Sarah’s children do what is right and do not give way to fear
There is a limit to what wives should suffer at the hands of ungodly husbands. The limit is set by Peter’s command to ‘do good’, to do the right thing, even in the face of intimidation. Peter tells wives to do good and not give way to the fear of what their husbands might do. We should submit to our husbands only in so far as righteous obedience to God will permit.
Wise as Serpents: Evil Always Distorts God’s Word (Part 14 of sermon series)
And if you had known what this means, ‘I desire mercy, and not sacrifice,’ you would not have condemned the guiltless. (Matthew 12:7)
This is a vital verse to help us discern if evil is perverting Scripture. Mercy, not sacrifice. Interpretations and applications of Scripture that end up demanding more sacrifice, laying more laws on us, piling up a huge burden on us, are not mercy. They are not consistent then with God’s character.
Complementarity Without Subordination: What Does it Look Like?
As a result of the fall, sinful man has a bias to rule over woman, and sinful woman’s (natural pre-fall) need for protection from man has become biased into a more strongly focused and attentive need for man’s protection and love — which makes her extremely vulnerable to exploitation by man.
Articles by Leslie Vernick
Leslie is a Christian and a licensed clinical social worker and relationship coach. She is the author of seven books, including the best-selling, The Emotionally Destructive Relationship and The Emotionally Destructive Marriage.
Am I Enabling or Being a Godly Wife?
The apostle Paul says that we are to have nothing to do with the unfruitful deeds of darkness but rather expose them (Ephesians 5:11). When abuse remains hidden and secret, it flourishes. Tweet This
Does My Husband Always Have the Final Say?
Leslie shares many Bible verses that make the point, “When a husband uses the headship argument to justify making unilateral decisions for his wife, he is misusing his position.”
Question: What do you believe biblical submission means?
The question of what biblical submission really means has been debated for centuries. I believe that God meant this for good, and it is only because of sin that it has been so distorted. God did not say this to put women in bondage. I pray He will walk with you as you wrestle with this topic.
May you feel His love and care today.
Caroline
March 31, 2019
Rebuilding Your Children’s Trust
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Rebuilding Your Children’s Trust
Children, Respect Your Parents
Taking back the respect you deserve will take some time, and lots of energy, but it will be worth it for all of you.Tweet This
Parents, Don’t Exasperate Your Children
Get healing for all of you. You have already started doing this by reading this blog. Seek counseling for you and your children if possible. Surround yourself and your children with healthy people who will enrich your lives.
Admit when you are wrong, and apologize to your children. Be open with them, but don’t use them as your confidants. They are children, not your friends. Find friends to share your pain with. Let your kids be kids.
If you are addicted to any substances, work hard to get off them right away. Then work equally hard to stay off them. You will not be able to be the best parent you can be if you are addicted to drugs or alcohol. In addition, your children will not be able to trust you or depend on you. Similarly, if you have any process addictions (anything done repeatedly and to excess; like shopping, eating, sleeping, watching television, staring at your cell phone), you will need to work to free yourself from these as well. Seek an appropriate support group, and begin your journey to freedom from your addiction today.
Believe them if they tell you about abusive things your ex is doing to them, or has done in the past. You may be tempted to discount or ignore them when they tell you about further abuse they are suffering from him, especially if this happens on court-ordered visits, and you might feel you cannot protect them from him. You can consider reporting his actions to Social Services, the police, or a custody evaluator if you have one on your case. Sometimes these actions will be helpful, and sometimes they will backfire on you. (Check out this blog. ) However, even if you decide reporting his actions will not help and you think you can’t do anything about his behavior right away, you should believe your children and give them your emotional support. They need to know someone cares about their troubles. Children can cope with many difficult things if they know they have at least one adult in whom they can confide and trust.
Ask yourself how you can make your kids feel you are a safe haven. Think of yourself as having loving arms you can wrap around them at all times, even when they are far from you. Can you send a special toy, blanket, or picture of yourself with them when they are visiting him? Can you call them at the same time each day when you are apart so they know you are thinking of them? What routines can you instill in your home that can give them a sense of stability and peace? What prayers or songs can you teach them so they can comfort themselves when they are away from you?
Don’t spank your kids. In many cultures, this is an acceptable form of discipline. However, spanking will only further traumatize children who have been abused or who have seen you being abused. It also tells them violence is justifiable in families as long as it is “for your own good.” You will want to do everything you can not to reinforce this belief in your family. Find alternative forms of discipline. These can include: taking away privileges; restricting movement (timeout for younger kids, or determining a “boring spot” they must sit in for a minute for every year of age); having them do extra chores around the house (join them in those chores for extra bonding); or docking an allowance. Try to match the consequence as closely as possible to the offense so the child can understand the discipline.
Read books on parenting during your divorce, and join a support group with your children if possible. Many women’s crisis centers have groups for victims and their children. Or, join a divorce support group in your church or community.
In my last blog, I talked about the ways your kids have been affected by the abuse you’ve experienced, a difficult topic. Today, I will talk about how you can begin to help them heal from the domestic violence you have all experienced once you are no longer experiencing it. The first thing you will need to do is rebuild your children’s trust in you.
Rebuilding Your Children’s Trust
Helping your children will be easier if they trust you completely. However, your abuser probably spent a lot of time and energy tearing you down in the eyes of your children. He* made them believe his bad treatment of all of you was your fault. He may have also told them he loved them and you don’t, that you were stupid, and much more. By his actions, they realized he was the one with power in the relationship, and you were less powerful, so they may not believe you can protect them from him. You will need to rebuild the trust that he has torn down. How can you do this? I recommend you look at Ephesians 6:1-4, which says:
Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother” —which is the first commandment with a promise— “so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.” Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.
Here are some keys to practically live out these verses with your kids.
Children, Respect Your Parents
First, you will need to reinstate yourself as the authority figure in your home. This may seem strange since you have all recently left your controlling abuser. However, if your children do not see you as the loving leader of your home, they will never feel safe, nor will they trust you. If you are not the leader of your single-parent home, who will be? Your kids? Your abuser from afar? Either of these is a prescription for disaster. If your abuser was the main disciplinarian and now you need to fill that role in order to gain respect, let your children know changes are coming and why. Your children will adapt better if you tell them in advance. Also, work to change their hearts, not just their behavior. Let them know you love them, and that God’s plan is for families to work together, with the parents (you in this case) as the loving leader of the home.
Your kids may have begun treating you with disrespect, as your abuser used to. You will need to require respect from them. Don’t permit sarcasm, noises of disgust, or insulting hand motions or facial expressions. Also, don’t allow them to ignore you. If they do, give them a meaningful consequence. For example, if your child ignores you when you ask her to clean her room, she may not get to play when her best friend comes over. Explain to her in a loving way that each person in the house has to help each other, that it is disrespectful for family members to ignore each other. Then tell her that in order to help her remember this, you are going to ask her to spend the time she would have spent playing with her friend cleaning her room. Offer to help her. Then ask her to help you with a chore you need to do. My husband reminds me when I am frustrated with his kids to bring them close instead of pushing them away. What does he mean by that? When I am angry with my step kids, my knee-jerk reaction is to want to send them back to their mom’s house. He challenges me to push past this feeling and try to win their hearts. Yes, I need to require them to respect me as a parental figure in our home, but I also need to let them know I love them. If I know one loves quality time, I might ask her to bake cookies with me. If I know another appreciates words of affirmation, I will search for something I can compliment her for. You would be surprised what a difference this makes in our home.
Taking back the respect you deserve will take some time, and lots of energy, but it will be worth it for all of you.
Tweet ThisParents, Don’t Exasperate Your Children
Get healing for all of you. You have already started doing this by reading this blog. Seek counseling for you and your children if possible. Surround yourself and your children with healthy people who will enrich your lives.
Admit when you are wrong, and apologize to your children. Be open with them, but don’t use them as your confidants. They are children, not your friends. Find friends to share your pain with. Let your kids be kids.
If you are addicted to any substances, work hard to get off them right away. Then work equally hard to stay off them. You will not be able to be the best parent you can be if you are addicted to drugs or alcohol. In addition, your children will not be able to trust you or depend on you. Similarly, if you have any process addictions (anything done repeatedly and to excess; like shopping, eating, sleeping, watching television, staring at your cell phone), you will need to work to free yourself from these as well. Seek an appropriate support group, and begin your journey to freedom from your addiction today.
Believe them if they tell you about abusive things your ex is doing to them, or has done in the past. You may be tempted to discount or ignore them when they tell you about further abuse they are suffering from him, especially if this happens on court-ordered visits, and you might feel you cannot protect them from him. You can consider reporting his actions to Social Services, the police, or a custody evaluator if you have one on your case. Sometimes these actions will be helpful, and sometimes they will backfire on you. (Check out this blog. ) However, even if you decide reporting his actions will not help and you think you can’t do anything about his behavior right away, you should believe your children and give them your emotional support. They need to know someone cares about their troubles. Children can cope with many difficult things if they know they have at least one adult in whom they can confide and trust.
Ask yourself how you can make your kids feel you are a safe haven. Think of yourself as having loving arms you can wrap around them at all times, even when they are far from you. Can you send a special toy, blanket, or picture of yourself with them when they are visiting him? Can you call them at the same time each day when you are apart so they know you are thinking of them? What routines can you instill in your home that can give them a sense of stability and peace? What prayers or songs can you teach them so they can comfort themselves when they are away from you?
Don’t spank your kids. In many cultures, this is an acceptable form of discipline. However, spanking will only further traumatize children who have been abused or who have seen you being abused. It also tells them violence is justifiable in families as long as it is “for your own good.” You will want to do everything you can not to reinforce this belief in your family. Find alternative forms of discipline. These can include: taking away privileges; restricting movement (timeout for younger kids, or determining a “boring spot” they must sit in for a minute for every year of age); having them do extra chores around the house (join them in those chores for extra bonding); or docking an allowance. Try to match the consequence as closely as possible to the offense so the child can understand the discipline.
Read books on parenting during your divorce, and join a support group with your children if possible. Many women’s crisis centers have groups for victims and their children. Or, join a divorce support group in your church or community.
Question: What can you do to help your kids feel safe in your home?
Picking up the pieces of your family life that have been shattered by an abusive partner can be painful, and may sometimes seem hopeless. It isn’t hopeless. You and your kids are worth the effort.
Caroline
*Abusers and their victims can be male or female.
March 24, 2019
How the Abuse You Receive Affects Your Kids
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In my last blog, I talked about how seeing or experiencing domestic violence affects the lifelong health of children. Today, I explore this further. This is a tough topic, something about which no protective parent wants to think. However, I believe this is vital information, and could actually help you make some decisions for yourself and your child(ren). This information comes from my book A Journey to Healing After Emotional Abuse.
Effects of Your Abuse on Your Children
Though you have done everything you could to protect your children, the sad truth is, your children have been affected, even if your abuser focused his* abuse mainly on you. In order to help your children heal, you will need to accept some difficult truths, without denial.
Your children were more aware of your abuse than you might care to think, even if you tried to hide it. How do children find out? Many ways: they could tell you were upset; they see signs of strain in the home; see signs of fighting; or see or hear the actual abuse.
Your children have been afraid, even if they never appeared to. They will often hide their fear to prevent further abuse, or to spare you because they can tell you are already burdened enough. Their fear could present itself in many ways, which are outlined in Lundy Bancroft’s book When Dad Hurts Mom: Helping Your Children Heal the Wounds of Witnessing Abuse . These include overeating or refusing to eat; nail-biting, teeth grinding, outbreaks of acne or eczema; frenetic or distracting activity (rocking, tapping, jumping, chewing, or the obsessive need to do sports); developing phobias or compulsive behaviors (fear of monsters or strangers, or needing to wash their hands constantly); retreating into fantasy worlds; sleep disturbances (sleeping in excess, difficulty falling or staying asleep, nightmares, night terrors, night talking, or night walking); or regressive behavior (potty “accidents,” clinging to“lovies”).
Sometimes these children will be diagnosed as having ADHD, and will be put on medication. This might be helpful, but they should more correctly be viewed as trauma survivors who need safety and healing more than medication. Sometimes children’s fear and trauma responses can look quite similar to yours.
Younger children almost always think they are to blame for the abuse. “If I had only picked up my toys, Dad wouldn’t have gotten so mad,” or, “If I had been a better girl, Dad and Mom would still be together.” Children will often choose one of two extremes when they feel guilty about causing the abuse or divorce. They will become the “perfect” child and excel in school, sports, or church activities, or they will become the “bad” child. This child will do everything possible to prove just how bad he or she is, and fail at school, get in trouble with the law, or act out at home. The perfect child is trying to do everything possible to prevent the abuser from finding fault with you and her in order to limit the number of abusive outbursts. The bad child behaves badly subconsciously to bring all the abuser’s negative attention to him and away from you, to protect you.
Children’s beliefs that they caused the abuse or can control/decrease/stop it can be both hurtful to the child and also developmentally appropriate. Children are supposed to be narcissistic and engage in magical thinking to a certain extent. If something good happens in their life, they often believe it is because they wished it to be, or because they are so good or smart. This can make life feel exciting. However, the flip side of this is they often believe they cause negative things that occur in their world. Even kids in elementary school who will first tell you they did not cause their parents’ divorce will often later confide that they still feel like it is their fault.
You can help your children by frequently telling them the abuse was not their fault.
Tweet ThisLet them know your abuser is entirely responsible for his actions, no matter what others do around him. Let them know that adults do not get to blame their behavior on their children.
4. Children interpret the abuse in ways that may not make sense to you.
They may say, “I heard if your dad hits your mom, police come and put you all in jail,” or, “Mommy was crying because I didn’t do what Daddy told me to do, and then he yelled at her and called her a bad name. She’s very angry with me for making Daddy yell at her like that.”**
They may tell stories from the past, but their version is vastly different from reality. In the stories they may make the family sound as if things were ideal when you and your abuser were together. They are romanticizing the family concept as they grieve the loss of their family. I was surprised during my divorce when my kids described life in our home as “Our parents were always mad at each other,” rather than the way I saw it: “Whenever Dad doesn’t get what he wants, he gives Mom the silent treatment.”
5. Once you have left your abuser and have experienced some peace, your children may react in surprising ways.
They may begin to feel safe to act out the trauma they have experienced. Children who previously acted “perfectly” to prevent the abuser from harming you and them may now begin to act disrespectfully. They may show the anger, sadness, and confusion they hid for so long.
They may begin to idolize your abuser. Once they no longer live with the daily abuse, they may forget how badly he used to behave. If they rarely see him, they may miss him, even though he was not a kind person when they lived with him. The memory of his abuse is fading; they begin to see him in a different light.
Even though they may realize their father was abusive, they will feel caught in the middle between the two of you, their loyalties divided. They may begin keeping secrets from you or be reluctant to tell you things their father has said.
These truths may be painful to think about, but don’t shrink back. There will be a lot you can do to help your children heal once you understand what they’ve suffered. Remember, you are not responsible for the abuse they suffered; that responsibility lies with your abuser. However, you are the best person to help them heal, because no one else will step up to do this, especially not your abuser. He will probably forever deny he has done any harm to any of you.
Question: What behaviors do your children exhibit?
Being a protective parent in an abusive relationship can be very painful, as you try to decide what is best for all of you. Remember, Psalm 127:3 says,
Children are a heritage from the Lord,
offspring a reward from him.
Seek God for strength and wisdom in this difficult time. In my next blog, I will share some ideas for seeking healing for your kids when you leave the abusive relationship. Until then, may the Lord bless you.
Caroline
*Abusers and their victims can be male or female.
**When Dad Hurts Mom, 64.
