Caroline Abbott's Blog, page 4
May 29, 2020
Jesus’ Attitude Toward Women – Part 2
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In my last blog, I described the patriarchal cultural norms of Jesus’ day, how Jesus treated women with compassion and how he lauded their actions over the actions of the male religious leaders around him. Today, we will explore how Jesus engaged women in theological discussions, something unheard of for his time, and even allowed women to be his disciples. Then, we will draw some conclusions about how Jesus might engage with women in our day and age, with special attention to those suffering from domestic violence.
Jesus Engaged Women in Theological Discussions
Unlike most leaders of his time, Jesus was willing to engage in theological discussions with women as a rabbi would teach his disciples. In Luke 10:38-42, we see Mary sitting in the position of a disciple, at the feet of Jesus. Theologian Darrell Bock notes that this would be startling in a culture where women did not receive formal teaching from a rabbi. Most theologians see a polarity in this story, where Mary chose well, and Martha was rebuked because she did not choose the one thing needed. Theologian Warren Carter reads this passage differently. He believes the Greek words that the NIV translates as “worried and upset about many things” (Luke 10:41), actually should be read as “distracted by much ministry.” He notes that there is no indication that Martha is preparing a meal for Jesus, as most theologians believe. Carter sees both Mary and Martha as partners in Jesus’ ministry. Jesus pointed out to Martha that in ministry, our first allegiance is to follow Jesus wholeheartedly without being distracted. In John 11:20-27, Jesus engaged in a theological discussion with Martha, explaining the resurrection to her. She made one of the greatest declarations of faith found in the gospels when she said, “I believe that you are the Messiah, the Son of God, who is to come into the world.”
At times, Jesus was even willing to risk scandal in order to teach women. The story of the Samaritan woman (John 4:4-42), begins by saying Jesus “had to” pass through Samaria. Theologian Mark Strauss notes that while Jews did not always go around Samaria, contact between the two groups was usually avoided. He posits that John’s comment that Jesus “had” to go through Samaria suggests Jesus went there intentionally for a divine appointment. One indicator that Jesus risked scandal to teach this woman is found in the apostles’ reaction. John 4:27 says they were “surprised” to find Jesus talking with this woman, and that they wanted to ask him, “Why are you talking with her?”
Viewing the interaction of Jesus with the Samaritan woman and both Mary and Martha, we clearly see that Jesus considered these women to be worthy of his time, attention and training.
Jesus Allowed Women to Participate in His Ministry as Disciples
Though Jesus did not choose any women to be apostles, he allowed women to participate in his ministry. Luke 8:1-3 lists three women: Mary Magdalene, Joanna, and Susanna. These three and “many others” were with Jesus and the twelve as they traveled from one town to another, proclaiming the good news of the kingdom of God. Theologian Richard Bauckman points out that in these verses, the Greek places the twelve disciples and the women alongside each other in the same relationship to Jesus. Up until this point, the apostles have done nothing except “be with” Jesus. Matthew 27:55-56 and Mark 15:41-41 make it clear that these women had been with Jesus from the early days of his ministry in Galilee, right up until his death and resurrection. Bauckman remarks that the last clause of Luke 8:3 (about the women providing for them) is a fact about the women that is in addition to the fact they were “with” Jesus. He translates the Greek to mean the women supplied the economic needs of Jesus and the twelve, not, as some have thought, that the women cooked the meals and washed their clothes.
Perhaps the best example of Jesus allowing women to participate in his ministry is found at the resurrection. Each of the gospels tell the story a bit differently from the others. Mark and John only mention Mary Magdalene. Matthew mentions Mary Magdalene and the other Mary, while Luke lists Mary Magdalene, Joanna and Mary the mother of James. Nevertheless, each gospel makes a point of saying the women arrived at the tomb first. In each gospel, these women were met either by angel(s) or by the resurrected Jesus himself and given the incredible news that Jesus had risen from the dead. In Mark 16:7 and Matthew 28:7, an angel told them to go and tell the disciples that Jesus had risen. In John 20:17, Jesus himself tells Mary Magdalene to go and tell Jesus’ brothers (the disciples) that he is returning to the Father.
Blomberg states that the fact each gospel describes women being the first to witness the resurrection guarantees the credibility of the account because in that day, the world did not usually accept women’s testimony as legally binding. We see signs of this in the disciples’ reaction to the women’s testimony. The disciples did not believe them and ran to see for themselves (Luke 24:11-12). Theologian Craig Keener notes that though women’s testimonies were generally not believed, the authors of the gospels may have preserved this part of the story to focus on the gospel’s power to transcend gender restrictions. Jesus could have chosen to give this message to the male disciples first. As we see in Matthew 28:16-20, Mark 16: 14-18, Luke 24:13-49 and John 20:19-22, Jesus chose to later appear to the male disciples, but he honored the women by appearing to them first and allowed them to be the bearer of the news.
We can see from these two scenes that Jesus allowed women to travel with him and his disciples, accepting their financial support. He also chose women to be the first to see his resurrected body and gave them the task of disciples – sharing the good news with others. In examining these interactions and those from my last blog, there was never a time Jesus treated women with disdain or failed to help and honor them. This leads me to conclude that Jesus would treat women with the same honor today.
How Does this Information Inform Women Who Experience Domestic Violence?
People who are being abused by their intimate partner often have very low self-esteem – this is made worse by their abuser. Christian abuse victims are often spiritually abused. An abuser with a Christian wife will use Bible verses out of context to keep his spouse in bondage. Often, pastors exacerbate the problem by preaching that women need to submit to their husbands (Ephesians 5:22-24) without looking at the entire passage (5:21-32) which says that we should submit to one another out of reverence for Christ (5:21) and that husbands should love their wives like Christ loved the church, giving himself up for her (5:25).
It is helpful to study just how Christ did give himself up for the church. Every Christian is aware that Jesus died on the cross to wash away our sins. Since the church also includes men, this fact alone may not help an abused Christian woman feel the weight of Jesus’ love for her individually. We can look at the ways that Jesus interacted with women to discern how he would value an abused woman today.
Jesus cared more about individual women than he cared about the prejudices of the day or about following the law. We see this in his showing compassion for the woman caught in adultery (John 8:2-8:11), in his acceptance of the anointing by a sinful woman (Luke 7:36-50), in his theological discussion with the Samaritan woman (John 4:4-42), and in allowing women to follow, support him and share his message (Luke 8:1-3, John 20:17). Jesus’ response to the synagogue leader after he healed the woman on the Sabbath who had been bent over for 18 years is instructive: “Should not this woman, a daughter of Abraham, whom Satan has kept bound for eighteen years be set free on the Sabbath day from what bound her?” (Luke 13:10-17). I believe Jesus would say the same to those who would tell a Christian woman to stay in an abusive marriage. These verses can help Christian abuse victims feel their value and to stand up for themselves with their husbands and their pastors.
If you are being abused, and need help standing up to your abuser and/or church, please contact me for help. Blessings to you all today.
Caroline
In my last blog, I described the patriarchal cultural norms of Jesus’ day, how Jesus treated women with compassion and how he lauded their actions over the actions of the male religious leaders around him. Today, we will explore how Jesus engaged women in theological discussions, something unheard of for his time, and even allowed women to be his disciples. Then, we will draw some conclusions about how Jesus might engage with women in our day and age, with special attention to those suffering from domestic violence.
Jesus Engaged Women in Theological Discussions
Unlike most leaders of his time, Jesus was willing to engage in theological discussions with women as a rabbi would teach his disciples. In Luke 10:38-42, we see Mary sitting in the position of a disciple, at the feet of Jesus. Theologian Darrell Bock notes that this would be startling in a culture where women did not receive formal teaching from a rabbi. Most theologians see a polarity in this story, where Mary chose well, and Martha was rebuked because she did not choose the one thing needed. Theologian Warren Carter reads this passage differently. He believes the Greek words that the NIV translates as “worried and upset about many things” (Luke 10:41), actually should be read as “distracted by much ministry.” He notes that there is no indication that Martha is preparing a meal for Jesus, as most theologians believe. Carter sees both Mary and Martha as partners in Jesus’ ministry. Jesus pointed out to Martha that in ministry, our first allegiance is to follow Jesus wholeheartedly without being distracted. In John 11:20-27, Jesus engaged in a theological discussion with Martha, explaining the resurrection to her. She made one of the greatest declarations of faith found in the gospels when she said, “I believe that you are the Messiah, the Son of God, who is to come into the world.”
At times, Jesus was even willing to risk scandal in order to teach women. The story of the Samaritan woman (John 4:4-42), begins by saying Jesus “had to” pass through Samaria. Theologian Mark Strauss notes that while Jews did not always go around Samaria, contact between the two groups was usually avoided. He posits that John’s comment that Jesus “had” to go through Samaria suggests Jesus went there intentionally for a divine appointment. One indicator that Jesus risked scandal to teach this woman is found in the apostles’ reaction. John 4:27 says they were “surprised” to find Jesus talking with this woman, and that they wanted to ask him, “Why are you talking with her?”
Viewing the interaction of Jesus with the Samaritan woman and both Mary and Martha, we clearly see that Jesus considered these women to be worthy of his time, attention and training.
Jesus Allowed Women to Participate in His Ministry as Disciples
Though Jesus did not choose any women to be apostles, he allowed women to participate in his ministry. Luke 8:1-3 lists three women: Mary Magdalene, Joanna, and Susanna. These three and “many others” were with Jesus and the twelve as they traveled from one town to another, proclaiming the good news of the kingdom of God. Theologian Richard Bauckman points out that in these verses, the Greek places the twelve disciples and the women alongside each other in the same relationship to Jesus. Up until this point, the apostles have done nothing except “be with” Jesus. Matthew 27:55-56 and Mark 15:41-41 make it clear that these women had been with Jesus from the early days of his ministry in Galilee, right up until his death and resurrection. Bauckman remarks that the last clause of Luke 8:3 (about the women providing for them) is a fact about the women that is in addition to the fact they were “with” Jesus. He translates the Greek to mean the women supplied the economic needs of Jesus and the twelve, not, as some have thought, that the women cooked the meals and washed their clothes.
Perhaps the best example of Jesus allowing women to participate in his ministry is found at the resurrection. Each of the gospels tell the story a bit differently from the others. Mark and John only mention Mary Magdalene. Matthew mentions Mary Magdalene and the other Mary, while Luke lists Mary Magdalene, Joanna and Mary the mother of James. Nevertheless, each gospel makes a point of saying the women arrived at the tomb first. In each gospel, these women were met either by angel(s) or by the resurrected Jesus himself and given the incredible news that Jesus had risen from the dead. In Mark 16:7 and Matthew 28:7, an angel told them to go and tell the disciples that Jesus had risen. In John 20:17, Jesus himself tells Mary Magdalene to go and tell Jesus’ brothers (the disciples) that he is returning to the Father.
Blomberg states that the fact each gospel describes women being the first to witness the resurrection guarantees the credibility of the account because in that day, the world did not usually accept women’s testimony as legally binding. We see signs of this in the disciples’ reaction to the women’s testimony. The disciples did not believe them and ran to see for themselves (Luke 24:11-12). Theologian Craig Keener notes that though women’s testimonies were generally not believed, the authors of the gospels may have preserved this part of the story to focus on the gospel’s power to transcend gender restrictions. Jesus could have chosen to give this message to the male disciples first. As we see in Matthew 28:16-20, Mark 16: 14-18, Luke 24:13-49 and John 20:19-22, Jesus chose to later appear to the male disciples, but he honored the women by appearing to them first and allowed them to be the bearer of the news.
We can see from these two scenes that Jesus allowed women to travel with him and his disciples, accepting their financial support. He also chose women to be the first to see his resurrected body and gave them the task of disciples – sharing the good news with others. In examining these interactions and those from my last blog, there was never a time Jesus treated women with disdain or failed to help and honor them. This leads me to conclude that Jesus would treat women with the same honor today.
How Does this Information Inform Women Who Experience Domestic Violence?
People who are being abused by their intimate partner often have very low self-esteem – this is made worse by their abuser. Christian abuse victims are often spiritually abused. An abuser with a Christian wife will use Bible verses out of context to keep his spouse in bondage. Often, pastors exacerbate the problem by preaching that women need to submit to their husbands (Ephesians 5:22-24) without looking at the entire passage (5:21-32) which says that we should submit to one another out of reverence for Christ (5:21) and that husbands should love their wives like Christ loved the church, giving himself up for her (5:25).
It is helpful to study just how Christ did give himself up for the church. Every Christian is aware that Jesus died on the cross to wash away our sins. Since the church also includes men, this fact alone may not help an abused Christian woman feel the weight of Jesus’ love for her individually. We can look at the ways that Jesus interacted with women to discern how he would value an abused woman today.
Jesus cared more about individual women than he cared about the prejudices of the day or about following the law. We see this in his showing compassion for the woman caught in adultery (John 8:2-8:11), in his acceptance of the anointing by a sinful woman (Luke 7:36-50), in his theological discussion with the Samaritan woman (John 4:4-42), and in allowing women to follow, support him and share his message (Luke 8:1-3, John 20:17). Jesus’ response to the synagogue leader after he healed the woman on the Sabbath who had been bent over for 18 years is instructive: “Should not this woman, a daughter of Abraham, whom Satan has kept bound for eighteen years be set free on the Sabbath day from what bound her?” (Luke 13:10-17). I believe Jesus would say the same to those who would tell a Christian woman to stay in an abusive marriage. These verses can help Christian abuse victims feel their value and to stand up for themselves with their husbands and their pastors.
If you are being abused, and need help standing up to your abuser and/or church, please contact me for help. Blessings to you all today.
Caroline
Darrell L. Bock, Luke: Baker Exegetical Commentary on the New Testament (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Academic, 1996), 1038.
Warren Carter, “Getting Martha Out of the Kitchen: Luke 10:38-42 Again,” A Feminist Companion to Luke, ed. Amy-Jill Levine (New York: Sheffield Academic Press, 2002), 226-229.
Mark L. Strauss, Mark – Zondervan Exegetical Commentary on the New Testament, ed. Clinton E. Arnold (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2014), 237.
Richard Bauckman, Gospel Women: Studies of the Named Women in the Gospels (Grand Rapids, MI: Eerdmans, 2002), 111-114.
Craig L. Blomberg, Matthew: An Exegetical and Theological Exposition of Holy Scripture (Scotland, SD: B&H Publishing Group, 1992), 265.
Craig S. Keener, Matthew, The IVP New Testament Commentary Series, ed. Grant R. Osborne, D. Stuart Biscoe and Haddon Robinson, vol. 1 (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 1997), 1192.
May 22, 2020
Jesus’ Attitude Toward Women
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Hello and welcome to summer! I just finished my master’s degree in Counseling Ministries. I feel like a free bird! I hope to blog more regularly now. In my New Testament course, I recently wrote a research paper on Jesus’ attitude toward women. Many people experience churches as patriarchal. I agree this is often the case. If Christians are meant to be followers of Jesus, we should think and act like him. Let’s take a look at what Jesus was really like, so we can strive to make the Church more like Jesus.
In today’s blog, I will talk about how Jesus treated women with compassion and lauded their actions over the actions of the men around them. Next week, I will talk about how, unlike other teachers of his day, he talked with women about theological topics. I will then draw conclusions about what the Church can and should do differently.
Cultural Norms Toward Women
Women in Israel during Jesus’ time had little status in a male dominated culture. They received very little education. In public, they were expected to be veiled – a woman with an uncovered head in public could give her husband cause for divorce. Women did not eat with male guests and a man talking to a woman in public was considered scandalous. These restrictions tended to force women to stay indoors and made any kind of religious leadership difficult. Females were not allowed to be priests or offer sacrifices. When determining if a quorum were present for worship, women could not be counted. They were separated from men during worship. Theologian Ben Witherington notes that there was no evidence that prior to Jesus’ ministry Jewish women were allowed to be disciples of a religious leader, much less travel with one. Women had little to do with the practice of Judaism. They were not allowed to recite the daily Shema or read the Torah in a synagogue.
Against the backdrop of this patriarchal society, Jesus appeared. How did He interact with women?
He Ministered Compassionately to Them
Much of Jesus’ ministry focused on the needs of women. In one of Jesus’ first miracles, he healed Peter’s mother-in-law (Matthew 8:14-15). Later, he raised from the dead the son of the widow of Nain (Luke 7:11-17). He cast a demon out of the Syrophoenician woman’s daughter (Matthew 15:21-28), showed compassion for and saved the life of the woman caught in adultery (John 8:2 – 8:11). He healed the woman who had been bent over for 18 years (Luke 13:10-17).
One of the best examples of Jesus’ compassion toward women is demonstrated in the healing of the woman who had been hemorrhaging for twelve years (Matthew 9:18-26, Mark 5:21-43, Luke 8:40-56). The passage begins with Jairus, one of the rulers of a synagogue, beseeching Jesus to come heal his daughter who was deathly ill. As Jesus was heading to Jairus’ house, a woman who had been bleeding for 12 years made her way through the crowd to touch Jesus’ garment. While Jesus paused to help the woman, the little girl died. In putting these two stories together, we see the contrast in the social status of the two supplicants. Jairus was a Jewish male and leader in the community. The woman was poor and helpless, and because of her bleeding, she was considered unclean and separated from Israel’s religious life.
When the woman touched Jesus, he felt power leaving his body, and she felt herself instantly healed. Jesus could have continued on to Jairus’ house, but he stopped to look for the woman. When he did not immediately find her, he continued to look (Mark 5:31-32). When she finally came forward, Jesus praised her faith. He called her “daughter,” the only place in the gospels where Jesus used this word. In using it, he welcomed her back into the community of God.
While he was speaking, people came from Jairus’ house to tell him his daughter had died. Jesus told him that she was just sleeping and continued on. When he arrived at the house, he found her dead. Risking being made ceremonially unclean, Jesus touched her dead body and healed her. Theologian Mark Strauss posits that because Jesus was willing to touch and heal these two women, he challenged the social norms and the purity laws of the day, demonstrating his restorative power and the inclusivity of the kingdom of God.
Jesus Lauded Women’s Acts as Examples to Men
There are many examples of Jesus acknowledging women for their examples of godly living. In Mark 12:38-44, Jesus compared the humility and generosity of a poor widow who put two copper coins in the treasury of the temple to rich people who put in large sums. Just before Jesus remarked on the poor widow, he warned his disciples not to behave like the experts of the law who seek honor for themselves while devouring the homes of widows. In these scenes, males are building themselves up and exploiting others while the woman gives self-sacrificially, demonstrating her trust in God.
Jesus used women to teach truth in parables. He told three sets of twin parables, where a parable focusing on men was told next to a parable about women. In Luke 15, Jesus told the parable of a man with the lost sheep (Luke 15:1-7), which he immediately followed by telling the parable of the woman with the lost coin (Luke 15:8-10). In Luke 18:1-18, the parable of the persistent widow was placed before the parable of the Pharisee and the tax collector. In Matthew 25:1-13, the parable about the wise and foolish virgins was placed before the parable of the bags of gold (Matthew 25:14-30). Theologian Millard Erickson notes that by telling these parables together, Jesus demonstrated that women can represent the righteousness of God as well as men can.
One of the best examples of Jesus lauding a woman’s actions comes in the story of the woman who anointed Jesus. Mark 14 begins with the chief priests and the teachers of the law scheming to arrest and kill Jesus. Mark pauses to tell the story of a woman who anoints Jesus with pure nard kept in an alabaster jar, (Mark 14:3-9). People in Jesus’ time often used expensive alabaster bottles to store costly ointments. Nard was imported from India, and its expense might suggest an heirloom passed from one generation to the next. Then, in Mark 14:10-11, the original story resumes with the chief priests paying Jesus’ disciple Judas to betray Jesus. In these verses, we see great irony. Those who should have known and revered Jesus (male priests, teachers of the law and even a disciple) instead plotted to destroy him. Only the woman in this scene saw Jesus for who he really was. Theologian Wongi Park remarks that not only was the woman a model disciple over the males, her act was the first act of remembrance, preparing the way for Jesus’ death. Only she understood and remembered Jesus. Because of her actions, Jesus praised her, saying that wherever the gospel is preached in the whole world, what she did will be told in memory of her.
What We’ve Learned So Far
We’ve seen that in a patriarchal society where women are not even counted as humans, Jesus went out of his way to heal and care for them, and even lauded their actions over the religious leaders of the day. Join me next week as we see Jesus teaching women, something that was not done in that day. Then we will draw some conclusions about what the Church can and should do differently.
I pray you take these lessons from Jesus, and realize how much you are loved and valued.
Blessings to you,
Caroline
Hello and welcome to summer! I just finished my master’s degree in Counseling Ministries. I feel like a free bird! I hope to blog more regularly now. In my New Testament course, I recently wrote a research paper on Jesus’ attitude toward women. Many people experience churches as patriarchal. I agree this is often the case. If Christians are meant to be followers of Jesus, we should think and act like him. Let’s take a look at what Jesus was really like, so we can strive to make the Church more like Jesus.
In today’s blog, I will talk about how Jesus treated women with compassion and lauded their actions over the actions of the men around them. Next week, I will talk about how, unlike other teachers of his day, he talked with women about theological topics. I will then draw conclusions about what the Church can and should do differently.
Cultural Norms Toward Women
Women in Israel during Jesus’ time had little status in a male dominated culture. They received very little education. In public, they were expected to be veiled – a woman with an uncovered head in public could give her husband cause for divorce. Women did not eat with male guests and a man talking to a woman in public was considered scandalous. These restrictions tended to force women to stay indoors and made any kind of religious leadership difficult. Females were not allowed to be priests or offer sacrifices. When determining if a quorum were present for worship, women could not be counted. They were separated from men during worship. Theologian Ben Witherington notes that there was no evidence that prior to Jesus’ ministry Jewish women were allowed to be disciples of a religious leader, much less travel with one. Women had little to do with the practice of Judaism. They were not allowed to recite the daily Shema or read the Torah in a synagogue.
Against the backdrop of this patriarchal society, Jesus appeared. How did He interact with women?
He Ministered Compassionately to Them
Much of Jesus’ ministry focused on the needs of women. In one of Jesus’ first miracles, he healed Peter’s mother-in-law (Matthew 8:14-15). Later, he raised from the dead the son of the widow of Nain (Luke 7:11-17). He cast a demon out of the Syrophoenician woman’s daughter (Matthew 15:21-28), showed compassion for and saved the life of the woman caught in adultery (John 8:2 – 8:11). He healed the woman who had been bent over for 18 years (Luke 13:10-17).
One of the best examples of Jesus’ compassion toward women is demonstrated in the healing of the woman who had been hemorrhaging for twelve years (Matthew 9:18-26, Mark 5:21-43, Luke 8:40-56). The passage begins with Jairus, one of the rulers of a synagogue, beseeching Jesus to come heal his daughter who was deathly ill. As Jesus was heading to Jairus’ house, a woman who had been bleeding for 12 years made her way through the crowd to touch Jesus’ garment. While Jesus paused to help the woman, the little girl died. In putting these two stories together, we see the contrast in the social status of the two supplicants. Jairus was a Jewish male and leader in the community. The woman was poor and helpless, and because of her bleeding, she was considered unclean and separated from Israel’s religious life.
When the woman touched Jesus, he felt power leaving his body, and she felt herself instantly healed. Jesus could have continued on to Jairus’ house, but he stopped to look for the woman. When he did not immediately find her, he continued to look (Mark 5:31-32). When she finally came forward, Jesus praised her faith. He called her “daughter,” the only place in the gospels where Jesus used this word. In using it, he welcomed her back into the community of God.
While he was speaking, people came from Jairus’ house to tell him his daughter had died. Jesus told him that she was just sleeping and continued on. When he arrived at the house, he found her dead. Risking being made ceremonially unclean, Jesus touched her dead body and healed her. Theologian Mark Strauss posits that because Jesus was willing to touch and heal these two women, he challenged the social norms and the purity laws of the day, demonstrating his restorative power and the inclusivity of the kingdom of God.
Jesus Lauded Women’s Acts as Examples to Men
There are many examples of Jesus acknowledging women for their examples of godly living. In Mark 12:38-44, Jesus compared the humility and generosity of a poor widow who put two copper coins in the treasury of the temple to rich people who put in large sums. Just before Jesus remarked on the poor widow, he warned his disciples not to behave like the experts of the law who seek honor for themselves while devouring the homes of widows. In these scenes, males are building themselves up and exploiting others while the woman gives self-sacrificially, demonstrating her trust in God.
Jesus used women to teach truth in parables. He told three sets of twin parables, where a parable focusing on men was told next to a parable about women. In Luke 15, Jesus told the parable of a man with the lost sheep (Luke 15:1-7), which he immediately followed by telling the parable of the woman with the lost coin (Luke 15:8-10). In Luke 18:1-18, the parable of the persistent widow was placed before the parable of the Pharisee and the tax collector. In Matthew 25:1-13, the parable about the wise and foolish virgins was placed before the parable of the bags of gold (Matthew 25:14-30). Theologian Millard Erickson notes that by telling these parables together, Jesus demonstrated that women can represent the righteousness of God as well as men can.
One of the best examples of Jesus lauding a woman’s actions comes in the story of the woman who anointed Jesus. Mark 14 begins with the chief priests and the teachers of the law scheming to arrest and kill Jesus. Mark pauses to tell the story of a woman who anoints Jesus with pure nard kept in an alabaster jar, (Mark 14:3-9). People in Jesus’ time often used expensive alabaster bottles to store costly ointments. Nard was imported from India, and its expense might suggest an heirloom passed from one generation to the next. Then, in Mark 14:10-11, the original story resumes with the chief priests paying Jesus’ disciple Judas to betray Jesus. In these verses, we see great irony. Those who should have known and revered Jesus (male priests, teachers of the law and even a disciple) instead plotted to destroy him. Only the woman in this scene saw Jesus for who he really was. Theologian Wongi Park remarks that not only was the woman a model disciple over the males, her act was the first act of remembrance, preparing the way for Jesus’ death. Only she understood and remembered Jesus. Because of her actions, Jesus praised her, saying that wherever the gospel is preached in the whole world, what she did will be told in memory of her.
What We’ve Learned So Far
We’ve seen that in a patriarchal society where women are not even counted as humans, Jesus went out of his way to heal and care for them, and even lauded their actions over the religious leaders of the day. Join me next week as we see Jesus teaching women, something that was not done in that day. Then we will draw some conclusions about what the Church can and should do differently.
I pray you take these lessons from Jesus, and realize how much you are loved and valued.
Blessings to you,
Caroline
Footnotes
Ben Witherington III, in The Anchor Bible Dictionary, Vol. 6, ed. David Noel Freedman (New York: Doubleday, 1992), 957.
Mark L. Strauss, Mark – Zondervan Exegetical Commentary on the New Testament, ed. Clinton E. Arnold (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2014), 237.
Millard Erickson, The Word Became Flesh: A Contemporary Incarnational Christology (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Book House, 1991), 581-582.
Craig S. Keener, Matthew, The IVP New Testament Commentary Series, ed. Grant R. Osborne, D. Stuart Biscoe and Haddon Robinson, vol. 1 (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 1997), 366.
Wongi Park, “Her Memorial: An Alternative Reading of Matthew 26:13,” Journal of Biblical Literature 136 no. 1 (2017): 143-144.
April 26, 2020
Self-Care During Quarantine
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Hello my friends! It has been a long while since I’ve written. I am finishing my master’s degree . . . I have only three weeks to go! I planned to wait to write till then, but I have been hearing so much about people experiencing anxiety during our current quarantine, I decided to share some things I am doing that are helping me. Here is a short list:
Spending extra time each day talking to friends and family by phone or Zoom. We have even had a game night with family friends a few times. It was a challenge to figure out how to do it, but we ended up having a blast!
Dealing with my anxiety head-on. Some of the techniques I use are intentional breathing with grounding, safe space and container box. Check out this blog for how to implement these.
Reading the Bible. I especially like the Psalms right now. Many of them were written by David when he was being hunted down by King Saul. His life was in danger every minute. He was honest about his fears, his anger, and his sadness, but he also looked to God for comfort and care.
Speaking of being honest about your feelings, journaling can be really helpful. It is often unproductive to share our fears, anger and sadness with family members who are dealing with their own negative emotions. After all, they are stuck inside with us! If you journal your negative thoughts, and spend time talking to God about them, it can help.
Exercising. While I wish I could go to the gym and to my favorite exercise classes, there are many things I can do at home. Lately I have been walking up and down stairs for 4 straight minutes (talk about getting your heart pumping!), riding my stationery bike, taking walks outside, lifting light weights, stretching and doing yoga classes online. For many years I refused to do yoga, it seemed too new-agey to me. I tell that story here . Once I finally broke down and tried yoga, I loved it! Since I began about 5 years ago, I have had less physical pain, I have grown stronger and I am much more flexible, which helps prevent injuries. And best of all, I have found Holy Yoga! Holy Yoga focuses on God during the class. Instructors usually share some kind of Christian meditation, (Bible reading or a devotional) and prayer. I love it! I am fortunate to have two friends who are Holy Yoga instructors. Of course, they aren’t doing classes right now, but both of them have created online classes. The first person is Sarah Brown of Adoration Yoga. You can find her here: [image error] Another friend named Heather Neroy also has great Holy Yoga classes online. You can reach her here: [image error]
I hope these ideas will bless you and give you some peace in these troubled times. Psalm 9:9 says:
The LORD is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble.
I pray you feel His peace today.
Caroline
Hello my friends! It has been a long while since I’ve written. I am finishing my master’s degree . . . I have only three weeks to go! I planned to wait to write till then, but I have been hearing so much about people experiencing anxiety during our current quarantine, I decided to share some things I am doing that are helping me. Here is a short list:
Spending extra time each day talking to friends and family by phone or Zoom. We have even had a game night with family friends a few times. It was a challenge to figure out how to do it, but we ended up having a blast!
Dealing with my anxiety head-on. Some of the techniques I use are intentional breathing with grounding, safe space and container box. Check out this blog for how to implement these.
Reading the Bible. I especially like the Psalms right now. Many of them were written by David when he was being hunted down by King Saul. His life was in danger every minute. He was honest about his fears, his anger, and his sadness, but he also looked to God for comfort and care.
Speaking of being honest about your feelings, journaling can be really helpful. It is often unproductive to share our fears, anger and sadness with family members who are dealing with their own negative emotions. After all, they are stuck inside with us! If you journal your negative thoughts, and spend time talking to God about them, it can help.
Exercising. While I wish I could go to the gym and to my favorite exercise classes, there are many things I can do at home. Lately I have been walking up and down stairs for 4 straight minutes (talk about getting your heart pumping!), riding my stationery bike, taking walks outside, lifting light weights, stretching and doing yoga classes online. For many years I refused to do yoga, it seemed too new-agey to me. I tell that story here . Once I finally broke down and tried yoga, I loved it! Since I began about 5 years ago, I have had less physical pain, I have grown stronger and I am much more flexible, which helps prevent injuries. And best of all, I have found Holy Yoga! Holy Yoga focuses on God during the class. Instructors usually share some kind of Christian meditation, (Bible reading or a devotional) and prayer. I love it! I am fortunate to have two friends who are Holy Yoga instructors. Of course, they aren’t doing classes right now, but both of them have created online classes. The first person is Sarah Brown of Adoration Yoga. You can find her here: [image error] Another friend named Heather Neroy also has great Holy Yoga classes online. You can reach her here: [image error]
I hope these ideas will bless you and give you some peace in these troubled times. Psalm 9:9 says:
The LORD is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble.
I pray you feel His peace today.
Caroline
March 2, 2020
How SHOULD the Church Respond to Abuse?
[image error]May I introduce you to the work of Dr. Diane Langberg? Diane is a clinical psychologist who works with trauma. One of her main focuses is helping the Church fight against abuse. She is on the board of G.R.A.C.E. (Godly Reponse to Abuse in a Christian Environment) and contributes to ChurchCares.com (which provides training for church leaders in how to handle abuse in their church). Langberg recently wrote an excellent blog answering the question, how should the church respond to abuse? Click here for the link.
What I loved about this blog was that she identified the seriousness of the purposeful, long term sin that abusers commit against their victims. It also describes harm done to the abuser when the church turns a blind eye.
Tweet ThisI especially love this paragraph:There has been much discussion about what a church should do when confronted with an abuser in its midst. Such a question cannot begin to be adequately or wisely answered unless we first grasp the truth of what it means to be an abuser of the vulnerable. To see abuse as simply a wrong action that needs to be stopped (though it certainly does) is to minimize and externalize what is a cancer of the soul and does great damage to the abused. We often seem to think that when we understand the outside of things we are fully aware. We are not. Our God looks on the inward condition that gave birth to the outward actions. God does not classify evil by a catalogue of deeds done. He always goes to the internal root of the matter (Genesis 6:5). To abuse a vulnerable child (or adult) is to alter the course of their life. The shape of their life and their sense of self has significantly changed. Those heinous actions are spillage from the heart of the abuser and exposure of the cancer deep within. When the church shows “grace” in response to a few approved words and some tears, we have done added damage to the victim, risked the safety of other sheep and left the abuser with a disease that will rot his/her soul.
Diane goes on to describe how to handle sexual abuse in the church. I would have liked her to include intimate partner abuse (also called domestic violence) in this section. I believe when she describes the abuser as having “roots go down deep into practiced deception which becomes metastasized sin,” this could equally apply to long-term intimate partner abusers as well.
In this blog, Diane aptly describes the seriousness of the sin an abuser is committing. Yes, we all sin. Yes, we all do wrong things. However, a long-term, committed abuser is in a different category altogether. Jesus calls them wolves in sheep’s clothing. These people have a great sense of entitlement. They consciously act to control other human beings, with no care to the damage they are committing. If they want something, they will get it. It doesn’t matter how the other person (usually someone they have promised to love) is harmed. As Diane says, it is indeed a cancer of the soul. Many abuse victims have asked me if their abuser will change. In my experience, it is a rare occurrence indeed for someone with so little care for others to suddenly become the caring, loving person her/his partner is seeking. In all the work I have done in the last 9 years, I have never come across someone who was once a committed abuser and is now a loving, thoughtful caring person. This is not to say it cannot happen. After all, nothing is impossible with God. I am just saying it is rare.
Jesus underlines the seriousness of this type of sin in Matthew 7:15-20. Here he is talking about false prophets. An abuser who claims to be a Christian falls into this category.
“Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves. By their fruit you will recognize them. Do people pick grapes from thornbushes, or figs from thistles? Likewise, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. Thus, by their fruit you will recognize them.
Indeed. A bad tree bears bad fruit. In her article, Diane goes on to talk about steps the church can take when it finds a sexual predator in its midst. I invite you to read the rest of her article. Basically, she recommends the church forbid the abuser from coming back into ANY church, and for leaders of the church to bring the church to the abuser. In cases of intimate partner violence, I recommend (in my Domestic Violence Guide for Churches ) that the abuser not be allowed into the church where his victim(s) attend. This gives the victims the ability to worship in peace without worrying their abuser will show up at any moment. It also lets them know the church and, more importantly, God is behind them, and will protect them. See my Domestic Violence Guide for Churches for how to minister to the abuser.
Diane ends her blog with the following:
Our failure to is in part an exposure of our very limited grasp of the nature of sin and its tentacles in our own lives. We would not be complicit with abuse wherever we find it if this were not so. Repentance is hard. It means a complete change of our thought processes, our impulses and choices, little by little – over and over yet again. It is not simply stopping a behavior. It is not words and tears. It is a slow undoing of deceptions – deceptions that allow us to feel okay about ourselves. It is however the path that follows Christ, whose central focus and motive was to always please the Father – no matter the cost. He invites us to come.
Such wise words.
For those of you who have been abused and your church has not supported you, I am so sorry. I have experienced this pain myself, and it was almost worse than the pain my abuser wrought. Please know you are not alone, and God has not forsaken you. I hope this blog and the resources I share in it will be helpful to you.
Many blessings,
Caroline
February 3, 2020
The Long Journey from Victim to Survivor to Thriver
[image error]Hello friends. I have a treat for you today. I recently received an amazing letter from Janet (not her real name). Before I share it, I will give you a bit of background. Janet contacted me two years ago. She had read my blog about dealing with
narcissistic parents
. Janet was born with a physical disability. Her parents treated her with emotional, physical and spiritual abuse for years. She lived with them into her 30s, trying to please them, while receiving more and more abuse. They tried to convince her that she could never survive on her own, while taking most of her disability income for themselves. She suffered crippling physical pain, anxiety and depression. There were many obstacles to getting free of these parents, one of which was that she lived in an isolated rural area. About six months ago, she finally broke free from her family and began living on her own. She was surprised and dismayed that her anxiety and depression did not get better, but actually got worse. She spent a lot of time second guessing her decision to leave. I had not heard from her for a few months when I received this encouraging letter. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. Here you go:
I think I’ve just gotten a slight taste of what it must have been like for the shepherds out in their fields when they received the news of Christ’s birth. It was just a solitary, ordinary night of shepherding, and God was at work in an unseen realm beginning to unfold His marvelous redemption plan. To the astonishment of these lowly men, an angel appears before them with a message from the Lord. Their lives are instantly, forever changed. They leave their sheep and go with haste to see and marvel at what had been told to them. Then they return to their fields glorifying and praising God.
Here I am six months this side of leaving the toxic environment of everything I had ever known. It has been 6 months of riding an emotional and physical roller coaster. Joy and sorrow, relief and pain, triggers of past trauma, a barrage of crushing messages, and crippling anxiety, mixed with high hopes for the future.
Over the last couple of weeks, I have occasionally found myself lost in thought pondering what God might have in store. What is he doing with all of this? How is he weaving disability, abuse and trauma, ministry experience, complicated relationships, and this grueling healing process together for my good and His glory? What shape is my future going to take?
I have been going about ordinary life, taking one step at a time, trying to focus on helping myself heal emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually. My heart is hungry for God.
Daily, I have been battling triggers and negative messages that want to paralyze me and keep me from moving forward. I feel like I’m in an aggressive game of tug-of-war with my faith on one side and fear and past trauma on the other. I have been intentionally trying to saturate my mind with the truth, and praying for wisdom and direction for my future.
After much thought and prayer, I committed to taking a short-term, medical missions trip overseas.
Then, seemingly out of nowhere, on Tuesday I received a surprise email from the disability advocate who has helped me in the past. He told me that the organization he works for was going to have a job opening, and I was the first person he thought of to fill the position. He said I would be perfect for the job. On Thursday, I stopped by their office to pick up a flyer to learn more about the position. Again he encouraged me to apply. I would be helping others with disabilities achieve and maintain Independent living.
My personal experience with disability, my ministry experience overseas, and even the abuse and the healing process that I’m trying to take myself through has given me the qualifications and personal resources that I need to fulfill this position.
In my conversation, this gentleman was talking to me a little bit about the interview process. He said, “they will want to know things like how you will handle conflict with a consumer.” I was thinking to myself, “just calmly listen, stay personally detached, validate them as an individual, acknowledge their feelings, and do what you can to help the situation.”
I submitted my resume and references this afternoon. Throughout this process of ironing out necessary logistics, updating my resume etc., I’ve been battling the internal noise of negative messages from my parents and the the anxious thoughts of “what if my performance doesn’t measure up with the first impression that I made? What if I actually get this job and my best efforts are not good enough?” (I feel like I’m never good enough.)
The truth: God’s strength is made perfect in weakness. My help comes from the Lord. I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. The joy of the Lord is my strength. I can be clothed with strength and dignity. He says, “fear not for I am with you, I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” He says he will never leave me. God promises to give wisdom when I ask for it. He is my protector and provider.
So, I move forward taking one step at a time. Trusting my future to the One who holds it, He who has numbered my days and the hairs on my head. Our God of details and surprises.
My takeaway from this letter is that the spirit of survivors is strong and cannot be kept down. Faith in God gives us strength.Tweet This Thank you Lord!
I hope this letter blessed you as much as it did me.
Caroline
I think I’ve just gotten a slight taste of what it must have been like for the shepherds out in their fields when they received the news of Christ’s birth. It was just a solitary, ordinary night of shepherding, and God was at work in an unseen realm beginning to unfold His marvelous redemption plan. To the astonishment of these lowly men, an angel appears before them with a message from the Lord. Their lives are instantly, forever changed. They leave their sheep and go with haste to see and marvel at what had been told to them. Then they return to their fields glorifying and praising God.
Here I am six months this side of leaving the toxic environment of everything I had ever known. It has been 6 months of riding an emotional and physical roller coaster. Joy and sorrow, relief and pain, triggers of past trauma, a barrage of crushing messages, and crippling anxiety, mixed with high hopes for the future.
Over the last couple of weeks, I have occasionally found myself lost in thought pondering what God might have in store. What is he doing with all of this? How is he weaving disability, abuse and trauma, ministry experience, complicated relationships, and this grueling healing process together for my good and His glory? What shape is my future going to take?
I have been going about ordinary life, taking one step at a time, trying to focus on helping myself heal emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually. My heart is hungry for God.
Daily, I have been battling triggers and negative messages that want to paralyze me and keep me from moving forward. I feel like I’m in an aggressive game of tug-of-war with my faith on one side and fear and past trauma on the other. I have been intentionally trying to saturate my mind with the truth, and praying for wisdom and direction for my future.
After much thought and prayer, I committed to taking a short-term, medical missions trip overseas.
Then, seemingly out of nowhere, on Tuesday I received a surprise email from the disability advocate who has helped me in the past. He told me that the organization he works for was going to have a job opening, and I was the first person he thought of to fill the position. He said I would be perfect for the job. On Thursday, I stopped by their office to pick up a flyer to learn more about the position. Again he encouraged me to apply. I would be helping others with disabilities achieve and maintain Independent living.
My personal experience with disability, my ministry experience overseas, and even the abuse and the healing process that I’m trying to take myself through has given me the qualifications and personal resources that I need to fulfill this position.
In my conversation, this gentleman was talking to me a little bit about the interview process. He said, “they will want to know things like how you will handle conflict with a consumer.” I was thinking to myself, “just calmly listen, stay personally detached, validate them as an individual, acknowledge their feelings, and do what you can to help the situation.”
I submitted my resume and references this afternoon. Throughout this process of ironing out necessary logistics, updating my resume etc., I’ve been battling the internal noise of negative messages from my parents and the the anxious thoughts of “what if my performance doesn’t measure up with the first impression that I made? What if I actually get this job and my best efforts are not good enough?” (I feel like I’m never good enough.)
The truth: God’s strength is made perfect in weakness. My help comes from the Lord. I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. The joy of the Lord is my strength. I can be clothed with strength and dignity. He says, “fear not for I am with you, I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” He says he will never leave me. God promises to give wisdom when I ask for it. He is my protector and provider.
So, I move forward taking one step at a time. Trusting my future to the One who holds it, He who has numbered my days and the hairs on my head. Our God of details and surprises.
My takeaway from this letter is that the spirit of survivors is strong and cannot be kept down. Faith in God gives us strength.
Tweet This Thank you Lord!I hope this letter blessed you as much as it did me.
Caroline
January 4, 2020
Can EMDR Really Heal Trauma?
[image error]Hello my friends. It has been some time since I’ve written. I am in my last year of my masters degree in Counseling Ministries, and I found my to do list was just too long. I was overwhelmed and needed to focus on my school work, my counseling clients, my family and my self care. I have one more semester to go! While I am between semesters, I am taking a few moments to write.
My Struggles as a Step-Mom
I am a step-mom. Being a step mom to several hurting kids has been a hard experience for me. Because my step-kids have experienced lots of trauma, they often react to those around them out of their deep well of hurt. And, because of the trauma I have experienced, I have not always reacted as well as I would have hoped.
I have received a lot of counseling in my life, individually, with my family and in groups. It has saved my life. Now that I am a counselor myself, I was thinking I was done with receiving my own counseling. I was wrong! One of my counseling professors told our class that as counselors, we should plan to get counseling – for the rest of our lives! Right about that same time, I was feeling anxious and depressed about some things going on in the lives of my adult step-kids. When your kids are adults, there is very little you can do to influence them. We just don’t have the control we did when they were young. Maybe it is a fallacy to think we ever really did. This lack of control is doubly true if you are a step-parent. I admit, wanting control over my life and the lives of my loved ones is one way I have tried to deal with the chaos I live in. Realizing I had no control was causing me a lot of angst.
The Counselor Is Now Also the Counselee
So, I found my own counselor. Sitting on the other side of the counseling room is a humbling experience. I had to stop myself from trying to counsel my therapist! I was there for ME this time. It gave me a renewed respect for my clients. Spilling your guts to another is not easy. Those that are brave enough to do it deserve our respect. Seeking counseling is not easy. Those that are brave enough to do it deserve our respect.Tweet This
EMDR
My therapist uses Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) for clients who have experienced trauma. In this therapy, the therapist leads the client to move their eyes from side to side while the client thinks about an upsetting situation. Therapists might can move a light from side to side, use paddles that buzz from left to right to left, or use a sound in head phones that sound in one ear then the other.
This is how the EMDR Institute describes what happens during EMDR:
A Harvard researcher believes the eyes moving from side to side are similar to the biological mechanisms involved in Rapid Eye Movement (REM) sleep. During EMDR, clients begin to process the memory and disturbing feelings. In successful EMDR therapy, the meaning of painful events is transformed on an emotional level. For instance, a rape victim shifts from feeling horror and self-disgust to holding the firm belief that, “I survived it and I am strong.” Unlike talk therapy, the insights clients gain in EMDR therapy result not so much from clinician interpretation, but from the client’s own accelerated intellectual and emotional processes. The net effect is that clients conclude EMDR therapy feeling empowered by the very experiences that once debased them. Their wounds have not just closed, they have transformed. As a natural outcome of the EMDR therapeutic process, the clients’ thoughts, feelings and behavior are all robust indicators of emotional health and resolution—all without talking about the trauma in detail.*
My Experience with EMDR
Recently, my therapist and I used EMDR to process some of the trauma from my domestic violence. I recalled an episode with my abusive first husband. Before we began the eye movements, my therapist asked me to describe:
My therapist then led me through the eye movements several times, asking me how I felt after each one. As I focused on moving my eyes back and forth, many images came to me in quick succession. I began thinking through all the things I had done since that day:
Found a lawyer
Asked for and received a protection order from the court
Reported my husband when he broke the order – he spent a night in jail
Met and married an amazing man
Wrote two books to help others deal with their domestic violence
Blogged for 8 years
Sought a masters’ degree in counseling
Began a private counseling practice with my second husband where I help DV survivors.
After about 20 minutes of eye movement processing, I was no longer feeling upset when I focused on this episode. As I left my therapist’s office, a thought came to me.
I am not powerless, I am a BAD ASS!
WOW! What a difference in my perception of that event! It was truly miraculous. The good news is that is still feel powerful and I am proud of all I have been able to accomplish with God’s help since that dark day when I thought my husband might kill me.
The best news is that I did not accomplish all this on my own. Though I did not receive support from everyone, I kept trying until I had support from lawyers, counselors, friends. family, mentors, professors, my awesome second husband and especially from God who promised me:
I will never leave you or forsake you. (Hebrews 13:5)
He hasn’t.
May each of you get the support and help you need and deserve. Blessings to you all,
Caroline
My Struggles as a Step-Mom
I am a step-mom. Being a step mom to several hurting kids has been a hard experience for me. Because my step-kids have experienced lots of trauma, they often react to those around them out of their deep well of hurt. And, because of the trauma I have experienced, I have not always reacted as well as I would have hoped.
I have received a lot of counseling in my life, individually, with my family and in groups. It has saved my life. Now that I am a counselor myself, I was thinking I was done with receiving my own counseling. I was wrong! One of my counseling professors told our class that as counselors, we should plan to get counseling – for the rest of our lives! Right about that same time, I was feeling anxious and depressed about some things going on in the lives of my adult step-kids. When your kids are adults, there is very little you can do to influence them. We just don’t have the control we did when they were young. Maybe it is a fallacy to think we ever really did. This lack of control is doubly true if you are a step-parent. I admit, wanting control over my life and the lives of my loved ones is one way I have tried to deal with the chaos I live in. Realizing I had no control was causing me a lot of angst.
The Counselor Is Now Also the Counselee
So, I found my own counselor. Sitting on the other side of the counseling room is a humbling experience. I had to stop myself from trying to counsel my therapist! I was there for ME this time. It gave me a renewed respect for my clients. Spilling your guts to another is not easy. Those that are brave enough to do it deserve our respect. Seeking counseling is not easy. Those that are brave enough to do it deserve our respect.
Tweet ThisEMDR
My therapist uses Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) for clients who have experienced trauma. In this therapy, the therapist leads the client to move their eyes from side to side while the client thinks about an upsetting situation. Therapists might can move a light from side to side, use paddles that buzz from left to right to left, or use a sound in head phones that sound in one ear then the other.
This is how the EMDR Institute describes what happens during EMDR:
A Harvard researcher believes the eyes moving from side to side are similar to the biological mechanisms involved in Rapid Eye Movement (REM) sleep. During EMDR, clients begin to process the memory and disturbing feelings. In successful EMDR therapy, the meaning of painful events is transformed on an emotional level. For instance, a rape victim shifts from feeling horror and self-disgust to holding the firm belief that, “I survived it and I am strong.” Unlike talk therapy, the insights clients gain in EMDR therapy result not so much from clinician interpretation, but from the client’s own accelerated intellectual and emotional processes. The net effect is that clients conclude EMDR therapy feeling empowered by the very experiences that once debased them. Their wounds have not just closed, they have transformed. As a natural outcome of the EMDR therapeutic process, the clients’ thoughts, feelings and behavior are all robust indicators of emotional health and resolution—all without talking about the trauma in detail.*
My Experience with EMDR
Recently, my therapist and I used EMDR to process some of the trauma from my domestic violence. I recalled an episode with my abusive first husband. Before we began the eye movements, my therapist asked me to describe:
1. A vivid visual image related to the memory – (my ex-husband standing over me, calmly telling me he wanted me to die).
2. A negative belief about myself – (that I was powerless), and
3. Related emotions and body sensations – (fear, anger, sadness, tightness in my shoulders and stomach).
My therapist then led me through the eye movements several times, asking me how I felt after each one. As I focused on moving my eyes back and forth, many images came to me in quick succession. I began thinking through all the things I had done since that day:
Found a lawyer
Asked for and received a protection order from the court
Reported my husband when he broke the order – he spent a night in jail
Met and married an amazing man
Wrote two books to help others deal with their domestic violence
Blogged for 8 years
Sought a masters’ degree in counseling
Began a private counseling practice with my second husband where I help DV survivors.
After about 20 minutes of eye movement processing, I was no longer feeling upset when I focused on this episode. As I left my therapist’s office, a thought came to me.
I am not powerless, I am a BAD ASS!
WOW! What a difference in my perception of that event! It was truly miraculous. The good news is that is still feel powerful and I am proud of all I have been able to accomplish with God’s help since that dark day when I thought my husband might kill me.
The best news is that I did not accomplish all this on my own. Though I did not receive support from everyone, I kept trying until I had support from lawyers, counselors, friends. family, mentors, professors, my awesome second husband and especially from God who promised me:
I will never leave you or forsake you. (Hebrews 13:5)
He hasn’t.
May each of you get the support and help you need and deserve. Blessings to you all,
Caroline
September 22, 2019
Is the Church Waking Up?
[image error]Like many of you, I turned to my church for help when I was being abused. Sadly, my church, just like many of yours, failed me. Many of us were We are told to try harder, forgive our abusers, or be a better wife/husband. Our abusers were rarely held accountable for their actions. Our church leaders usually focused on keeping us quiet – not a helpful response. I have written about this many
times
.
You may be wondering with me, when will the church wake up and smell the coffee?
In the 7 years I have been writing, I have slowly been seeing signs that the church is indeed waking up. Leslie Vernick is a Christian counselor who writes about domestic violence, Karla Downing speaks and writes Christian relationship advice and often talks about domestic violence. One of the loudest voices comes from the blog Crying Out For Justice .
A while back, Barbara Roberts posted a blog about an event called Time to Listen which was held in North Sydney Australia on September 6, 2017. This event hosted several pastors who talked about domestic violence. She summarizes the article written by Eternity News about the event: Churches ‘should unite’ to fight domestic abuse .
Pastor Graham Hill
senior leader within the Baptist Association NSW/ACT and Founding Director of The Global Church Project, speaking to abuse victims said, “Some people say ‘wouldn’t it be nice if instead of justifying and excusing and denying, we just said sorry.
I’m sorry that we haven’t listened. I’m sorry that our systems and our cultures and our language and our theology has silenced you.Tweet This
I’m sorry that when you come to ask for help that we’ve told you that you need to practice more forgiveness or you need to be more submissive. I’m sorry that when it’s come to our attention that there are men behaving badly, that we’ve exonerated or we’ve colluded with those men in some way or we’ve allowed them to charm us. I’m sorry that instead of actually seeing a moment when we can make a difference we’ve resorted to excuses and denials rather than actually embracing the moment and choosing to change and make a difference.”
Pastor Donna Crouch
from Hillsong Church who has worked in the domestic violence area for a long time, gave some practical tips for churches trying to work out how to respond.
“I think to start with we’ve got to change our language in church, that domestic violence is ‘out there.’ It’s not ‘out there;’ it’s in here, it’s everywhere – and not be ashamed about that … how to own that without being embarrassed. Of course it’s going to be in our church because our churches are a reflection of the community we’re in – so let’s get on with it!” Crouch said her team focused particularly on how to intervene during the critical period when a woman is about to leave an abusive husband. “The break-up is most critical period for a woman to be killed; that means our response before, during or after is also critical,” she said.
She said there had been cases where the first instance of physical violence was murder.Tweet This
“That only heightens our responsibility for all this intervention with all these other symptoms of family violence.” She said her team had been working on developing relationships with the local police domestic violence liaison officer, and finding out who the professionals and counsellors were in the community. “We’re not going to do a Christian version of the professionals; we can use the trust that people put in us to refer them and do the journey with them. If that means sitting with them, calling the DV hotline, if it means going to the police, we do that.”
Pastor Michael Jensen
said it was really important for pastors to have the knowledge of the dynamics of domestic violence to be able to see through deception on the part of the perpetrator.“ To see where I’m being buttered up is really important, just to even see that as a possibility that by his charm he’s actually trying to win me to his side is extraordinary,” he said. He also said churches had an important role to play in speaking differently about masculinity.
“Jesus is an interesting guy, you know – humility … not exercising his muscle to assert his masculinity, that kind of taking the anxiety out of being seen to be a man, I think, would be something that in church communities could be revolutionary, could be a real change in the balance.”
Bruce Chan, Domestic Violence Specialist
with BaptistCare, has called on churches to band together to fight the scourge of domestic and family violence. Chan [said] the Baptist church in NSW was developing a pilot programme on domestic violence, More than Skin Deep, that would be trialled in churches this year, and rolled out to 1000 churches next year. It’s not restricted to Baptist churches, so any other church can contact BaptistCare who are interested to find out. … Common Grace, a movement of Christians passionate about Jesus and justice, will launch a package of resources, called Safer, in November. …
In the United States
I am excited that the Australian church is talking about domestic violence. What about the American church? The American church is also beginning to wake up to the reality that domestic violence is rampant in the church, and that church leaders need to be educated about it. A few church leaders have come together to create ChurchCares.com . Their site says, “We believe every church must be equipped to respond well in the initial stages of learning about instances of sexual, physical, or emotional abuse. That is why we created Becoming a Church that Cares Well for the Abused. This training curriculum of a handbook, an introductory video, and 12 lesson videos brings together top experts from various fields to help leaders understand and implement the best practices for handling the variety of abuse scenarios at church, school, or ministry.”
What Next?
From what I have seen, ChurchCares is a great resource, and it does my heart good to see a resource like this available to all churches. Does this mean every church in the US and Australia will respond appropriately to a DV victim seeking help? Sadly, no. This kind of social change takes a long time – look at how long it has taken us to end racial injustice. We are nowhere near done with that work that has been going on for over a century. However, the more people who stand up and refuse to be silent, the sooner we will improve our response to domestic violence, not only in the church, but in all of society. If you have been speaking out, keep it up! Lend a helping hand to the victim who comes to you for help. Speak to your church and government officials about becoming educated about domestic violence. I truly believe that together, we can make a difference.
Jesus cared for the downtrodden and stood against the “righteous”, and the church that represents him should do the same. In Luke 11:42, Jesus says:
“Woe to you Pharisees, because you give God a tenth of your mint, rue and all other kinds of garden herbs, but you neglect justice and the love of God. You should have practiced the latter without leaving the former undone.”
My prayer is that the church will begin treating abuse victims with the justice they deserve.
Caroline
You may be wondering with me, when will the church wake up and smell the coffee?
In the 7 years I have been writing, I have slowly been seeing signs that the church is indeed waking up. Leslie Vernick is a Christian counselor who writes about domestic violence, Karla Downing speaks and writes Christian relationship advice and often talks about domestic violence. One of the loudest voices comes from the blog Crying Out For Justice .
A while back, Barbara Roberts posted a blog about an event called Time to Listen which was held in North Sydney Australia on September 6, 2017. This event hosted several pastors who talked about domestic violence. She summarizes the article written by Eternity News about the event: Churches ‘should unite’ to fight domestic abuse .
Pastor Graham Hill
senior leader within the Baptist Association NSW/ACT and Founding Director of The Global Church Project, speaking to abuse victims said, “Some people say ‘wouldn’t it be nice if instead of justifying and excusing and denying, we just said sorry.
I’m sorry that we haven’t listened. I’m sorry that our systems and our cultures and our language and our theology has silenced you.
Tweet ThisI’m sorry that when you come to ask for help that we’ve told you that you need to practice more forgiveness or you need to be more submissive. I’m sorry that when it’s come to our attention that there are men behaving badly, that we’ve exonerated or we’ve colluded with those men in some way or we’ve allowed them to charm us. I’m sorry that instead of actually seeing a moment when we can make a difference we’ve resorted to excuses and denials rather than actually embracing the moment and choosing to change and make a difference.”
Pastor Donna Crouch
from Hillsong Church who has worked in the domestic violence area for a long time, gave some practical tips for churches trying to work out how to respond.
“I think to start with we’ve got to change our language in church, that domestic violence is ‘out there.’ It’s not ‘out there;’ it’s in here, it’s everywhere – and not be ashamed about that … how to own that without being embarrassed. Of course it’s going to be in our church because our churches are a reflection of the community we’re in – so let’s get on with it!” Crouch said her team focused particularly on how to intervene during the critical period when a woman is about to leave an abusive husband. “The break-up is most critical period for a woman to be killed; that means our response before, during or after is also critical,” she said.
She said there had been cases where the first instance of physical violence was murder.
Tweet This“That only heightens our responsibility for all this intervention with all these other symptoms of family violence.” She said her team had been working on developing relationships with the local police domestic violence liaison officer, and finding out who the professionals and counsellors were in the community. “We’re not going to do a Christian version of the professionals; we can use the trust that people put in us to refer them and do the journey with them. If that means sitting with them, calling the DV hotline, if it means going to the police, we do that.”
Pastor Michael Jensen
said it was really important for pastors to have the knowledge of the dynamics of domestic violence to be able to see through deception on the part of the perpetrator.“ To see where I’m being buttered up is really important, just to even see that as a possibility that by his charm he’s actually trying to win me to his side is extraordinary,” he said. He also said churches had an important role to play in speaking differently about masculinity.
“Jesus is an interesting guy, you know – humility … not exercising his muscle to assert his masculinity, that kind of taking the anxiety out of being seen to be a man, I think, would be something that in church communities could be revolutionary, could be a real change in the balance.”
Bruce Chan, Domestic Violence Specialist
with BaptistCare, has called on churches to band together to fight the scourge of domestic and family violence. Chan [said] the Baptist church in NSW was developing a pilot programme on domestic violence, More than Skin Deep, that would be trialled in churches this year, and rolled out to 1000 churches next year. It’s not restricted to Baptist churches, so any other church can contact BaptistCare who are interested to find out. … Common Grace, a movement of Christians passionate about Jesus and justice, will launch a package of resources, called Safer, in November. …
In the United States
I am excited that the Australian church is talking about domestic violence. What about the American church? The American church is also beginning to wake up to the reality that domestic violence is rampant in the church, and that church leaders need to be educated about it. A few church leaders have come together to create ChurchCares.com . Their site says, “We believe every church must be equipped to respond well in the initial stages of learning about instances of sexual, physical, or emotional abuse. That is why we created Becoming a Church that Cares Well for the Abused. This training curriculum of a handbook, an introductory video, and 12 lesson videos brings together top experts from various fields to help leaders understand and implement the best practices for handling the variety of abuse scenarios at church, school, or ministry.”
What Next?
From what I have seen, ChurchCares is a great resource, and it does my heart good to see a resource like this available to all churches. Does this mean every church in the US and Australia will respond appropriately to a DV victim seeking help? Sadly, no. This kind of social change takes a long time – look at how long it has taken us to end racial injustice. We are nowhere near done with that work that has been going on for over a century. However, the more people who stand up and refuse to be silent, the sooner we will improve our response to domestic violence, not only in the church, but in all of society. If you have been speaking out, keep it up! Lend a helping hand to the victim who comes to you for help. Speak to your church and government officials about becoming educated about domestic violence. I truly believe that together, we can make a difference.
Jesus cared for the downtrodden and stood against the “righteous”, and the church that represents him should do the same. In Luke 11:42, Jesus says:
“Woe to you Pharisees, because you give God a tenth of your mint, rue and all other kinds of garden herbs, but you neglect justice and the love of God. You should have practiced the latter without leaving the former undone.”
My prayer is that the church will begin treating abuse victims with the justice they deserve.
Caroline
***
September 9, 2019
My Interview on Halfway There
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Hello my friends!
In today’s blog, I am doing something different. Today I share an interview that I recently did for the podcast Halfway There. You can listen to the podcast by clicking here.
In the podcast, I discuss:
My early life (minute 6:00)
Accepting Jesus in my mid-30s (minute 10:00)
My first marriage becoming abusive (minute 14:00)
Mutual submission in marriage (minute 18:30)
Note: the term submit is missing in the original Greek in Eph. 5:22 (20:45)
How I drew strength from God and the Christian community (24:45)
When the abuse escalated (26:45)
the futility of joint counseling with an abuser (27:45)
The moment I decided to leave my abuser (32:00)
Deciding to get a restraining order (34:15)
How I held onto God during this dark time (35:15)
How my pastors reacted when I left (37:20)
Malachi 2:16 “God hates divorce”?
We shouldn’t take a Christian to court?
Ignorance not malice
What should the church do in these circumstances? (40:00)
Domestic Violence Guide for Churches
Read books on DV
Support the victim while holding the abuser accountable
It can be messy
What prompted me to train to be a counselor (46:20)
I now have a private counseling practice (49:00)
Advice for those in domestic violence (50:30)
Hold onto the Lord and seek out healthy Christians to walk with you
It was truly a joy to share my story with Eric Nevins. Thank you so much Eric for inviting me to be on your show.
I hope my story will encourage others who are currently being abused.
Bless you all,
Caroline
September 1, 2019
Techniques to Help Anxiety and Dissociation
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Dissociation
As a counselor, I work with many people who have experienced trauma. Some of them have been with an abusive intimate partner. Others have been raised by abusive parents, or have been sexually abused as children. When we experience this type of trauma, our brains try to help us cope by separating from what is happening to our bodies. This is called dissociation. We all do this to some extent. Ever drive home from work thinking about your day, and not paying attention to the drive? When you get home, you realize you got there on autopilot? This is a mild example of dissociation. For the child being abused, they may look at a spot on the wall while they are being beaten. This helps them separate from the painful experience, to the point they may not even feel the pain.
While this was helpful during the moment of abuse, living a dissociated life can keep us from being able to listen to ourselves. If we get used to ignoring the messages our bodies are trying to give us, we are less able to protect ourselves from danger. This is part of the reason abused children are more susceptible to being abused as an adult. Their bodies might be telling them they are in danger, but their minds ignore this information, to their peril. Living dissociated from your body also prevents you from feeling joy, love and pleasure.
Anxiety and Panic
I have struggled with anxiety most of my life. Because I learned as a child that my worth came from my accomplishments, whenever I feel that I am not going to be successful at something, I become anxious. I tend to be a worrier. This has caused me many problems, including years of migraine headaches, and many nights where I am awake, tossing and turning for hours.
I also work with people who are prone to panic attacks. One thing I have learned about myself and my clients is that
when we panic or feel anxious, it is usually because we are recalling something painful from the past, or we are anxiously fearing something that might happen in the future.Tweet This
For the most part, unless you are being abused in the moment, we are not in danger at the moment we are panicking or feeling anxious.
So, the best way to bring our minds out of panic is to focus on what our bodies are feeling in the moment.Tweet This
Doing grounding exercises is the best way I know how to get a feeling of safety, and to be fully in the moment.
Grounding Exercises
My favorite grounding exercise combines intentional breathing with noticing the input of our five senses.
Get in a comfortable position. If you are sitting, have both feet flat on the floor. Close your eyes. Begin by breathing in slowly through your nose. Focus on having your rib cage expand as you do this rather than your shoulders moving up. Breathe out slowly through your mouth. Try to make your exhale take a little bit longer than your inhale. This helps your heart to slow down. Notice your rib cage compressing. Do this slowly for about 3 or 4 breaths.
Notice a sound that you hear. Maybe a clock ticking, the sound of your own breathing, or the air coming through the vents in the room. Breathe for 3 or 4 breaths, just noticing the sound.
Notice what your body is feeling. Don’t focus on your racing heart, or bodily pain, but focus on how your feet feel firmly planted on the floor, how the chair feels behind your back and under you. Notice the texture of your clothing. Breathe 3 or 4 times.
Open your eyes. Focus on one object that is right in front of you. Notice its color, shape, texture, the light shining on it, the shadows. Breathe 3 or 4 times.
You can continue this with smell and taste, if this is helpful for you. When I am in a counseling session, these are harder to experience, so I usually leave them out.
By this time, you will probably realize that your heart is beating slower, your breath is coming more evenly, and you are not as focused on whatever sent you into panic. You will be more fully aware of where you are in time and space, bringing you out of dissociation. Once you are fully aware of yourself in the moment, you can make a decision on what you should do next. You may find that the thing that had you upset no longer seems so important, and you can just ignore it. If you still want to do something about it, you can now calmly decide what to do.
Other grounding exercises
The blog Uncover Your Joy recently shared some other grounding techniques, which you can check out here .
Please write in the comments below what you do to pull out of anxiety or dissociation.
When you are upset, remember that you are not alone. God says in Psalm 46:10:
“Be still, and know that I am God.”
When we have stilled our racing heart, we can then be open to realizing God’s presence right there with us.
May you feel His peace today.
Caroline
Dissociation
As a counselor, I work with many people who have experienced trauma. Some of them have been with an abusive intimate partner. Others have been raised by abusive parents, or have been sexually abused as children. When we experience this type of trauma, our brains try to help us cope by separating from what is happening to our bodies. This is called dissociation. We all do this to some extent. Ever drive home from work thinking about your day, and not paying attention to the drive? When you get home, you realize you got there on autopilot? This is a mild example of dissociation. For the child being abused, they may look at a spot on the wall while they are being beaten. This helps them separate from the painful experience, to the point they may not even feel the pain.
While this was helpful during the moment of abuse, living a dissociated life can keep us from being able to listen to ourselves. If we get used to ignoring the messages our bodies are trying to give us, we are less able to protect ourselves from danger. This is part of the reason abused children are more susceptible to being abused as an adult. Their bodies might be telling them they are in danger, but their minds ignore this information, to their peril. Living dissociated from your body also prevents you from feeling joy, love and pleasure.
Anxiety and Panic
I have struggled with anxiety most of my life. Because I learned as a child that my worth came from my accomplishments, whenever I feel that I am not going to be successful at something, I become anxious. I tend to be a worrier. This has caused me many problems, including years of migraine headaches, and many nights where I am awake, tossing and turning for hours.
I also work with people who are prone to panic attacks. One thing I have learned about myself and my clients is that
when we panic or feel anxious, it is usually because we are recalling something painful from the past, or we are anxiously fearing something that might happen in the future.
Tweet ThisFor the most part, unless you are being abused in the moment, we are not in danger at the moment we are panicking or feeling anxious.
So, the best way to bring our minds out of panic is to focus on what our bodies are feeling in the moment.
Tweet ThisDoing grounding exercises is the best way I know how to get a feeling of safety, and to be fully in the moment.
Grounding Exercises
My favorite grounding exercise combines intentional breathing with noticing the input of our five senses.
Get in a comfortable position. If you are sitting, have both feet flat on the floor. Close your eyes. Begin by breathing in slowly through your nose. Focus on having your rib cage expand as you do this rather than your shoulders moving up. Breathe out slowly through your mouth. Try to make your exhale take a little bit longer than your inhale. This helps your heart to slow down. Notice your rib cage compressing. Do this slowly for about 3 or 4 breaths.
Notice a sound that you hear. Maybe a clock ticking, the sound of your own breathing, or the air coming through the vents in the room. Breathe for 3 or 4 breaths, just noticing the sound.
Notice what your body is feeling. Don’t focus on your racing heart, or bodily pain, but focus on how your feet feel firmly planted on the floor, how the chair feels behind your back and under you. Notice the texture of your clothing. Breathe 3 or 4 times.
Open your eyes. Focus on one object that is right in front of you. Notice its color, shape, texture, the light shining on it, the shadows. Breathe 3 or 4 times.
You can continue this with smell and taste, if this is helpful for you. When I am in a counseling session, these are harder to experience, so I usually leave them out.
By this time, you will probably realize that your heart is beating slower, your breath is coming more evenly, and you are not as focused on whatever sent you into panic. You will be more fully aware of where you are in time and space, bringing you out of dissociation. Once you are fully aware of yourself in the moment, you can make a decision on what you should do next. You may find that the thing that had you upset no longer seems so important, and you can just ignore it. If you still want to do something about it, you can now calmly decide what to do.
Other grounding exercises
The blog Uncover Your Joy recently shared some other grounding techniques, which you can check out here .
Please write in the comments below what you do to pull out of anxiety or dissociation.
When you are upset, remember that you are not alone. God says in Psalm 46:10:
“Be still, and know that I am God.”
When we have stilled our racing heart, we can then be open to realizing God’s presence right there with us.
May you feel His peace today.
Caroline
August 18, 2019
Self-Care as an Act of Trust
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What do you think of when you hear the word self-care? Do you picture your friend who must get her nails done weekly, who plays with her iPhone for hours at a time while her preschoolers run outside without supervision? Do you picture your spouse who ignores you, your kids and the house while going out for a beer every. single. day. after work? This is not what I am talking about.
I am talking about valuing ourselves enough to treat ourselves well. Perhaps you were raised to believe that taking care of yourself is selfish. After all, we “should always” think of others before ourselves right? I disagree. In Mark 12:31, Jesus tells us to love others as we love ourselves. This command assumes we love ourselves. But do we really? Many of us don’t love ourselves well. We might:
Run ourselves ragged trying to meet everyone else’s (as well as our own) expectations
Say “yes” to everything asked of us – even when we really DON’T want to do it
Work from sunup to sundown seven days a week, because there is “just so much to do”
Take responsibility for everyone else’s happiness – but our own.
In my mind, loving someone else like this would not be that loving. And when we “love” ourselves this way, we are not being loving to ourselves either.
Amy Seiffert, who writes for A Wife Like Me agrees with me. I recently read her blog entitled, “Why God Cares About Your Self-Care.” In this blog, she looks at self-care from a new perspective. She points out that when we don’t take care of ourselves, our souls begin to slip away. She says that when we feel we “must” do everything and take care of everyone, we often do this out of a need for control. She thinks:
one of the biggest barriers to taking care of ourselves is our inability to trust God.Tweet This
Amy tells a story from her own life. Her son had just been diagnosed with an autoimmune disease, which put her in a tailspin. She spent every waking minute searching for a cure for him. Then, a friend invited her to play tennis once a week for an hour. She wrestled with whether this was a good use of her time. Shouldn’t she spend every possible moment trying to make her son healthy? As she wrestled with this decision, she heard God say to her, “Take care of your soul.” When she argued with Him, he said, “Trust me with your son as you play tennis.” Amy writes:
Playing tennis meant I needed to stop all other activity and hit a ball around. It meant I had to push all my cares aside and focus on a laced tennis net. It meant I had to trust God.
If we lay down the world we hold for an hour or two at a time, this is an act of faith. And this is so good for our soul. God doesn’t want us to hold the whole world. That’s His job. He is way better at it than we are. He wants us to come to Him, lay down our burdens, and take His light and easy yoke. He wants us to trust Him as a good Father. He wants to restore our soul.
Amy asks: Can you schedule something refreshing for yourself for one hour each week? Something you love and enjoy that brings you life? God wants you to enjoy peace, to play, to be free. He wants to take care of your world as you make a self-care choice.
Amy concludes:
Self-care is a beautiful act of faith.Tweet This
In Matthew 18:28 – 30, Jesus invites us to take care of ourselves:
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
Question: Do you have self-care on your calendar?
I believe you are worth it, and so am I.
Blessings,
Caroline
What do you think of when you hear the word self-care? Do you picture your friend who must get her nails done weekly, who plays with her iPhone for hours at a time while her preschoolers run outside without supervision? Do you picture your spouse who ignores you, your kids and the house while going out for a beer every. single. day. after work? This is not what I am talking about.
I am talking about valuing ourselves enough to treat ourselves well. Perhaps you were raised to believe that taking care of yourself is selfish. After all, we “should always” think of others before ourselves right? I disagree. In Mark 12:31, Jesus tells us to love others as we love ourselves. This command assumes we love ourselves. But do we really? Many of us don’t love ourselves well. We might:
Run ourselves ragged trying to meet everyone else’s (as well as our own) expectations
Say “yes” to everything asked of us – even when we really DON’T want to do it
Work from sunup to sundown seven days a week, because there is “just so much to do”
Take responsibility for everyone else’s happiness – but our own.
In my mind, loving someone else like this would not be that loving. And when we “love” ourselves this way, we are not being loving to ourselves either.
Amy Seiffert, who writes for A Wife Like Me agrees with me. I recently read her blog entitled, “Why God Cares About Your Self-Care.” In this blog, she looks at self-care from a new perspective. She points out that when we don’t take care of ourselves, our souls begin to slip away. She says that when we feel we “must” do everything and take care of everyone, we often do this out of a need for control. She thinks:
one of the biggest barriers to taking care of ourselves is our inability to trust God.
Tweet ThisAmy tells a story from her own life. Her son had just been diagnosed with an autoimmune disease, which put her in a tailspin. She spent every waking minute searching for a cure for him. Then, a friend invited her to play tennis once a week for an hour. She wrestled with whether this was a good use of her time. Shouldn’t she spend every possible moment trying to make her son healthy? As she wrestled with this decision, she heard God say to her, “Take care of your soul.” When she argued with Him, he said, “Trust me with your son as you play tennis.” Amy writes:
Playing tennis meant I needed to stop all other activity and hit a ball around. It meant I had to push all my cares aside and focus on a laced tennis net. It meant I had to trust God.
If we lay down the world we hold for an hour or two at a time, this is an act of faith. And this is so good for our soul. God doesn’t want us to hold the whole world. That’s His job. He is way better at it than we are. He wants us to come to Him, lay down our burdens, and take His light and easy yoke. He wants us to trust Him as a good Father. He wants to restore our soul.
Amy asks: Can you schedule something refreshing for yourself for one hour each week? Something you love and enjoy that brings you life? God wants you to enjoy peace, to play, to be free. He wants to take care of your world as you make a self-care choice.
Amy concludes:
Self-care is a beautiful act of faith.
Tweet ThisIn Matthew 18:28 – 30, Jesus invites us to take care of ourselves:
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
Question: Do you have self-care on your calendar?
I believe you are worth it, and so am I.
Blessings,
Caroline
