Himmilicious's Blog, page 6

गोया, इश्क़ सीखा कर गया

ना उसने कभी अपनी गलती मानी, ना मैंने कभी उसे माफ़ किया.
गोया, ऐसा इश्क़ सिखा कर गया कि ना फिर किसी से कर पाई, ना किसी को करीब आने दिया।

झूठ क्या बोलना, और किससे छिपाना?
जैसी मेरी ज़िन्दगी रही वैसी हर किसी की है, हर कोई इश्क़ करता है, मरता है, जीता है, टूट जाता है और फिर इश्क़ कर लेता है..

खैर, उसको समझ नहीं आएगा, समझ आता तो जाता ही क्यों?

देख कर यह अच्छा लगता है कि मैंने उसे शायर बना दिया.. हा हा हा.. ना जाने कितनी लड़कियाँ अब उसकी शायरी पर हाय करती हैं और मैं देख कर मुस्कुरा देती हूँ, "वजूद नहीं है इसका कोई, खोखली है, तुम्हारी तरह"

चीख़ती, खाली बंध कमरे में दौड़ती हुई, छटपटाती, खीज से भरी झुँझुलाती याद.. कभी 2 मिनट में आती थी, फिर 2 घंटे, फ़ॉर 24 - 24 कर के 3-4 दिन में एक भूला भटका ख़्याल आ जाता है..

जैसे दिवाली आ रही है, उसके ऑफिस से आए सारे चॉकलेट और फ्रूटी के डब्बे मुझे टरका कर दिवाली मना लेता था..

या यूँ ही फ़ोन कर के कभी किसी ग़ज़ल का मतलब समझा देता था, बिना पूछे की मुझे सुनना है भी की नहीं..

वो बोलता रहता, मैं सो जाती, कब फ़ोन काट जाता.. पतानहीं बस हाथ में रहता सुबह तक..

(ये सब प्यार थोड़े ही था, होता तो इतने जख़्म थोड़े ही न होते।
दाग नहीं है कि दिखा दूं, हाँ याद ज़रूर हैं.. कड़वी वाली)

मैं रुक गई, वक़्त नहीं रुका, वो नहीं रुका..

अब मुझे प्यार नहीं होता, मुझे वैसा प्यार नहीं होता, "पहले प्यार जैसा","एक तरफ़ा प्यार जैसा"

उसने क्या खोया, उसको कभी समझ ही नहीं आएगा
मैंने क्या खोया?

खुद को ढूँढना बड़ा मुश्किल होता है..

What I desire

What I desire, to escape somewhere,
Somewhere - nobody knows me.
I can be raw, free and nobody to chase me.

What I desire, to escape somehow,
With basic minimal needs
Food, a roof, and a dog to gaze me.

What I desire, to be nobody,
With green valleys and mountains around,
Befuddling, dizzy the mist to haze me.

What I desire, to be untrammeled
By mind, by soul, by world, by you all,
Rugged, uncouth serenity to blaze me.

- Himadri Baruah

मन मायल..

यार दे वेढ़े आई.. टप टप गलियाँ
लभदि फिरां मैंने तेन्नु.. मल मल अँखियाँ
मांही मैं तेन्नु समझांवां की?
तेरे णाल क्यूँ लाइंयां अँखियाँ..
तेरे नाल मैं लाइंयां अँखियाँ..

बेपरवाह मैं तेरे इश्क़च बंधियाँ,
बस तेरा मुखड़ा दिसे बाकी ते मैं अंधियाँ..
माही मैं तेन्नु समझावां...

(तुम्हारे इश्क़ की ओढ़ ली मैंने चादर की तरह, आब सा बरसे वजूद मेरा, बादल की तरह)

दिल में अंधेर है, शिकवों का ढेर है
तेरी दीवानी हुई.. तेरा कसूर है
छोटे से दिल नू समझावां की?

तेरे नाल..

(पत्ता पत्ता,बूता बूता,जाने सारा हाल..दिल-ऐ-जनाम..

मैं हूँ मन मौजी पीया, कैसे किया तेरा मन मायल)

छोटे से दिल नू...
तेरे नाल क्यूँ लाइंयां..

(Pakistani song, ost)

Be the strength

Life is like a woman in labour room.  She goes through pain while the husband standing by her side in her struggle, is her biggest strength. Similarly, You struggle together when the person you love is struggling through something he wants. Dealing with pain, when he loses hopes and you keep him positive. Sometimes you break too, sometimes you feel like quitting but you can't because the pledge you made to your heart convinced your mind that whatever decisions he takes, no matter how much pain he goes through, you're going to stand by all his decisions.

And with each and every failure he faces, with all his fears, doubts, uncertainties, and loss of hopes , he makes you go through the same pain because you're holding his hands.
You knew what you're signing up for. Keeping yourself positive to keep his strength alive is double responsibility.

When the people you love goes through illness, physical pain and health issues or they just take life changing decisions,all you could do is to stand by and believe them, their strength more than they do.

I know personally, you get nothing to be somebody's strength, to stand by someone's hardships.

Sometimes, they leave you behind after winning.
You keep standing on the same place and they move ahead, forgetting your thank less invisible contribution
In the get through of their struggle.

Lucky you're, if you have someone who stands by you and be your strength and blessed you're if you have the courage of being somebody's strength.

Sometimes, you have to die.

Going weak in your knees and bending down is perfectly okay. But wrong is breaking in front of someone who doesn't value your broken parts.
You beg,borrow, and do every Best possible thing, wanting the person to fix you. You know, he wouldn't, you know when you shatter again and again in front of him just to seek that fix that takes your pain away, the person breaks you more...

It happens, the more you cry in front of someone, the more he judges you to be weak. It's just that you have the world around you but you want this particular person to fix the broken pieces of you..

You so wanted him to love you.. see your wounds, heal you and then he mocked your pain, called you melodramatic , a lover of sadness and pain, makes you feel sicker about you being broken.. and then he leaves.

You die.

That pain. That suffering, that rediscovering and that purgatory is something that touches deepest of your emotions,take them out, you end yourself, you kill, you destroy.

You have to go through it because you're broken and in the struggle of survival you held the wrong log of the wood. You sought healing from a wrong person who isn't your fix.

You'll get over, you will be okay, you will be awesome again, but for this burn in the furnace to become the purest gold.

You'll be the strongest but for that you have to die, once.

Interesting kanthapura

Loved reading Kanthapura.This novel is a complete mixture of Religion,Mythology and History. What I personally liked the most that in this novel, the grand harikathas finely blend politics with religious and mythology. The fights between mahatma and british draws the picture of the fight between Rama and Ravana, between the forces of good and evil like Krishna against the Kalia or Kansa, Prahlad against his own father, Harishchandra against the Asuras, Besides, the mahatma is Mohan (Krishna) slaying the serpent of foreign rule. Again Gandhi is compared to Rama as well as Shiva, Motherland is compared to Sita and the british Government is compared to Ravana.

Shankara is a "veritable dharmraj" and swaraj is compared to the three eyed shiva. As a gandhian economic programme Moorthy distributes chakras among the village women and inspires them to spin chakras and weave cloth. He asks people to boycott foreign goods

"the money that goes to red man, will stay within your country and the mother can feed the foodless and the milkless and the clothless."
Advocates Shankara wears Khadi and appeals to others to do so.

I failed, I quit, I failed quitting too.

Set backs and failures are the major motivations in life.Some are so painful that don't kill maybe that's why they make me strong, immune and a reason to fight with myself.Sometimes, even if, I have the focused goals, other things fall apart.It's hard to hold all the balls together in the arms and run, somehow, anyhow they fall. I collect and they fall again. For some mediocre, like I am, not born with silver spoon, travelled in crowded groping buses to college and every morning, finishing up and then going to work, coming back and taking care of parents being only child has never been easy.Petty things like, Losing friends due to denial of every single invitation of a party or not meeting the expectation of parents had been a part of the daily life.I wonder, why did I not choose to get married at the age of early 20s and get 'settled' like most of my female friends did and I can see them having beautiful carefree life ahead. Thousands of dreams every year, I could see dying every end of the year and I kept smiling with a hope of dreaming again, something new. It doesn't need words to explain how much it hurts when you really wanted to do something and could not do it despite of being capable and having all resources, just because you are morally bound to obey the orders and the meet the expectations of others.Which is not bad, we all deal with our shits, I deal with my fair share too. There is nobody to blame, I could have been a rebel and go against the world to achieve something bigger that what little I have collected so far, but neither did I have the support to be a rebel nor did the circumstances show signs.I am not among those 1 out of 10 girls who has gotten all special privilege to be a rock star and then became a rock star, my parents raised me well within their strength, or maybe I never demanded anything, could never, wanted to, of course, but never did.I am not sad, nor I am satisfied and made my peace with circumstances, never, I don't compromise.The major challenge of walking alone without guidance you get late. You reach, because you didn't quit walking but when you reach there, you see a crowd whining at you.Sometimes, I wish I had an elder brother who could do magic and everything would have been a fairytale. He could beat the shit out of those leeches, with whom I dealt alone because it's impossible to tell your parents the story of 'how I beat the man who touched me in the bus', after all, no matter how liberal ideology you follow, you're rooted to be a woman, which of course you are, and this is not an excuse to be more demanding in the society. I wish, genital difference would have never affected my life but the naked reality, it has affected me in all worst possible way, yet I have never taken privilege of being woman, say it be a seat in metro but I don't feel sorry about it.The most innocent woman on this earth I have seen so far is my mother. My little home, three of us, her plants and pets mean world to her. She is a superwoman with a magic wand, without her, well, we cannot survive even a day. Trust me, Internet ideas doesn't help when it comes to thank a mother.When I fail, I see her and the only motivation screams within me is "Do for her" because she has done every possible thing beyond her strength for be and I feel like I have done nothing for her. Sometimes, I doubt myself, ' would I be able to do anything for her?' Set backs pinch you a lot, when you see all your efforts and time wasted and you are to restart from zero. It is never that I never failed and did not think of quitting, I tried quitting and failed in that too!! LOLThe more I hear the problems of people the more I feel blessed that almighty has blessed me with a will power to deal with my problems, and that's all I pray. I know I am going to be very late to achieve what I have desired and the only life line I have is the keep walking with patience. I do not expect a wizard in my life or a guardian angel who would stand by me to cushion me whenever I fall, especially without filthy desires. Kalam sahab once said,"Don't take rest after your first victory because if you fail in second, more lips are waiting to say that your first victory was just luck." that's why I chose to fail multiple times.Writing is first person is never easy, people judge you,but people with judge you any-which-way possible.
people consider me heartless and true that, I have become heartless in past years because my heart wants me to settle down with least and quit struggling, which is not me. To conclude my ranting, If today I am dealing with another set back in my life and all my efforts go waste, I will not quit (like I said, I failed in quitting too) not because I have people to answer who are holding expectations with me but for the reason I wish to have purpose in my life to hold on to.
I am among those crores of average women who are not only thanklessly living for their families being a daughter but also doing a bit for the society.Like I said to one of my dearest friends today,'' woman, you can give birth to a child from your vagina and you think you are weak?'' Although, she laughed, yet I meant it. Deal with it, get over it, live it, it's life, it's a woman and it will bleed and have PMS, why to be sorry about it? why to be sorry for being woman?I am a single woman, I live a hardcore single life without a man, I am a daughter, I never quit studying, I work, I earn money, I have spent so far of my life to meet my parents expectations and failed many times, I win, I achieve, and I keep walking with a high head. So should you, do not be adamant and never get demotivated by the set backs of your life or the people you fail to keep with yourself, rather take it as an opportunity to get another gps track to reach your destination. Let go and Let God.

Like they Say, better late than never!

No more Panchayats?

We have grown studying Panchayats in Civics and social studies but What has happened to the grassroots government, the way the budget is getting cut every year of panchayati Raj,it's a big question on its future.

Within last year, the budget has cut down from 7000 crores to 96 crores and reportedly the panchayati raj minister isn't making any efforts despite of heading the rural development Ministry.

India isn't about the metro cities, it's not the backbone.

I can clearly see the crippled situation of bleak future here, since in early 90s as I remember the amendment mandated a 3 tier structural panchayats I.e. village,block,district.

Why has there not been any efforts to rescue the "'Panchayati Raj Ministry ' from dissolving?

As far as my civic knowledge among other major target areas the basic functionality of the Ministry falls under the latest amendments.

To fund research studies, workshops, and seminars for development of Panchayats.

To secure the respective areas strong with pris economic growth and social justice.

Even if we see the Rashtriya Gram Swaraj Abhiyan of the Ministry of finance which has somehow managed to secure 650+crore fund for changing name from RGPSA (राजीव गांधी पंचायत सशक्तिकरण अभियान), there are 58 thousand gram panchayats across entire India without permanent office facilities.

Well, the fact is panchayati raj is starving to death, I hope government has plans for it, turning entire Ministry into just a department is actually going down to the roots and changing the entire system.

Good, bad, ugly, well, India is not metro cities only!!!

And I lost the counts.. (Chapter 2)

Chapter 1
and on the other hand, Moni, a woman not at all travelled, unknown to most of the colours of life, opposite to Sameer, not at all an "I don't know metro city girl"Common thing between them? Assamese tongue.Moni likes Sam for being full of experiences; however she has too many people around her, full of experiences, knowledge, amazing brains and something that we call "SapioSexuals". The thing with Sam, he doesn't know Moni, at all, what she's, how she works, or what she works, where she works, who she is, what is her life about, what is her past, present and nor does Sameer cares about future.
He thinks, she is predictable and she lets him think that way "Whatever makes you happy".
Sometimes, it becomes necessary to release the love you have inside because it has been stuck in you for so long, like I say, "when you stop loving somebody, you start loving everybody.....", ah, well, let's not complicate it.
Keep it simple like this generation wants "meaningless"Moni liked being driven, she let him do that, she is driving everything around her life Controls and manages everything in her life and she just wants to sink into an anonymous, unknown planet where people don't come after her for a photograph or just another corporate gig."Moni, where is your hand?" asked Sameer.
Moni played the guitar strings "leave the guitar and take your left hand inside your tee-shirt, touch your breast"
"No"
"Yes"
"No"
"Do it, take your hand there"
There was something in the command, playing with Moni's kinky desires of submission she did as directed.
Sameer could hear the breaks in her breathe "and take right to your thighs" he continued.
"Stop" she whispered, "Stop directing me"
"you like it" said Sameer.."Pinch your bosom softly, feel your skin, take your hands between your thighs""Sammy, Stop doing it" she could barely speak it.
"Can you turn your belly down and squeeze your bums with both hands?"
"Yes"
"Do it"
She turned her face down, stretched her hands to her butts and squeezed it "Mmm... she moaned"
"are you high?" he asked.
Moni did not say anything.
"Can you feel it in there, Moni?"
"Yes.." she said.
"What are you wearing?"
"I'm in my pajamas" She said.
"And..?"
"..and my tee shirt, and my lingerie, and.."
"What is the colour?"
"Black"
"Are you wet and high?"
Moni kept quiet. "Tell me" Sameer asked dominatingly.
"Ah.. Yes.." She said in all her desires. 
"Good, get up now"
"what? Why?"
"Stay high, stand up"
"No.. Why" she said unwillingly.
"Because I'm parked outside your home, wear heels and come out" Sameer said in a plain voice. 
"What!!!" it was a bummer. Impossible. He was at his home. When did he drive here? "Are you kidding me?" happy and surprised she said.
"I don't have time, wear heels come down in 5 minutes"
"Sam I'm in pyjamas, messed up, not ready to go out, sweaty, give me some time to correct myself"
"you're wet, you're high, I want my woman in her skin, no artificial scents" said Sameer, "Come the way you're."This is what a woman wants in her man, rawness. One who can accept the way she is right at the moment.
Moni never experienced such craziness in her life. She tied her hair wore her heels, took her bag, and looked herself in the mirror.She had a smile on her face; her eyes were widened and shining. She picked up her scent but stopped. She kept it down and didn’t wear the perfume.Sameer was there. She saw him at a stretch. She smiled and walked towards the car. Sameer was sitting in the car, in his shorts and tee shirt, wearing chappals and messy hair.
"Are you crazy, what are you doing here, don't you have office, and it’s unplanned?"
Asked Moni, with a chuckle in her voice.
"Did you bath?" He asked ignoring all her questions.
"Yes, I did, in morning, but...”
"You should not have, I will wash you" he spoke before she could complete her sentence.
He started the car and asked "are you high?"
"No, I'm not. How can i be, I'm distracted!"
"You’re. I can smell you"
Moni kept mum.
"Suli kele bandhile(why did you tie your hair), who asked?" Sameer opened her clutches while driving. 
"Sam I'm messed up, I never go out like this"
"I know miss corporate, why are you wearing a nail print?"
"Areh! Ki hol tumak aji? (What has happened to you today) crazy holniki? (Gone crazy) said Moni, for Sameer unexpected behaviour."Aren't you liking it?" a question unanswerable he shot. He literally drove her today.
She couldn't understand why is she loving his commands when she is of a dominating nature, maybe it's a new flavour, maybe she is experimental. 
She’s just getting different shades of her painted by Sameer.Sameer opened the curls of her hair and spread it on her shoulders. While driving he started touching her ears and her cheeks. He increased the volume of music "touch yourself" he said. "What, no! We are on the road" said Moni.
"If you want me, I can touch you" and Moni came near him touching his chest "you smell bitter, cigarettes" she continued."No. Touch yourself"
"People will see"
"Nobody will, it's my car and I want you high"
"You have gone insane Sam" and she laughed.
"Can you be loud?" Sameer didn’t have smile on his face, he was enjoying the play, he had that calm expression of not getting driven "Can you say my name loud"
"Yes, Sameer"
louder.. Sameeer..
Louder.. Sameeeerr.. 
More, Louder.. "Sameeeerr" and he pulled her hair softly "now touch yourself"Moni gasped as he held her hair, he moved her hands on her thighs over the pyjamas. "Put your hand inside" 
she slid her hand in her pyjama and started rubbing her love Valley over her underpants.
She was quiet, music was loud, and Sameer was driving calmly not looking at her.
"Pull the back down and move the seats" she did, made space for her legs and stretched her legs. 
"What are you doing with your hands in your pyjamas Mon"
"I'm touching myself" she said in a slow voice.
"Tell me Mon, can you feel your love juice?"
"Why are you doing this to me?"
"I haven't touched you yet" She said, with the same calmness on his face.
Moni started touching Sameer's neck while touching herself "Don't touch me" said Sameer.
"I want to" and then the car stopped on red light and the spell broke.
The songs kept changing from one track to another track and they reached Sameer’s apartment  

To be continued..

And I lost the counts.. (Chapter 1)

"Do you know, that you're funny without knowing it?" I could never understand this statement made my Sameer.
"What do you mean?" I asked and he laughed louder,
“Come on! You can do better than this; you're dealing with a person with 137 IQ."
"Yeah? Right! And here comes the wave of self praising voices to give His Highness a mental boner."
"See! Koisilu Nohoi (Told you so) you're funny without knowing it- speaking about boner, I have one right now."
"What!! umm.. are you.. ha-ha okay!" 
It was a bump on the road, unexpected, since Sameer made the rule over our first call, ‘No double meaning cheesy talks between us'
"You're breaking the rule"
"I want to break your hymen"
That was blunt. Left me word blank for some good seconds. Trying to control the situation, I said mocking "aww! next birth, I'm not a virgin, right!""Because you're afraid of exploring your body, you're a woman of 30 years, haha! and.."
"Okay.. Stop! What is so new in it? I have seen men older than me and virgin" 
"Being virgin and not craving is acceptable, tasted, yet not craving? Torturing yourself"
"You know nothing Mr. Narcissistic"
"What are you doing right now?" Sameer asked.
"Talking to you, head is down the bed and legs on the wall, hands on guitar strings and talking to you. Why?"
"Touch yourself"
"What! No!"
"You're in the best position where I can eat you"
"Stop talking sex with me, you're breaking rules"
"You have an Assamese skin, pale, peach-ish, and bronze tanning and you smell like a woman, your hair has that smell"
"When did you smell me, Sam?" I asked surprisingly.
"I have a strong nose and eyes too -What is your size? 36? C? No! B?"
With widened pupil, I kept quiet for a minute, "So when are you leaving Delhi?" - I tried changing the topic.
"I will, just don't fall for me; I'm not going to stay here" he said bluntly.
"I will never fall for you, you're not my kind of a man" I said taking the control of the situation, and convincing myself, smacking my wits and reminding not to fall for a migrant bird.
"Good. I like the clarity you have, woman. If that makes you happy" He said. I could sense his cunning smile.

The manipulative art of turning the situation for you and presenting it as if this is what you want and you're being pleased, we are Dealing with Sameer, 39 years brownish man with big scanning eyes and heavy lashes to die for, working the IT sector And not at all an IT guy. More of a nature seeker, mountain hiker, backpacker and all those jazzy hash tags people use to define themselves. 
Straight from tea gardens to concrete, craving to get released into plants again, carefree alone man with his dogs, full of experiences of travelling, food, people - their behaviour, and of course, women. 
Plays those petty tricks of a charmer, being a gentleman, and comforting just like those patient wolf aiming the lamb in the most natural state following the instinct.
To be precise,a person who knows the basic instincts of human nature and simply following it with no false pretensions and hassle free lifestyle.


Chapter 2