Leandra Medine's Blog, page 578

December 21, 2015

Just In Case You Need Something *Festive* to Instagram

There has never been a more millennial sentence uttered than, “I need something to Instagram.”


Technically you don’t need something to Instagram — not any more than you need a pair of sock shoes that look like you literally stuck a sock in your shoe and called it a Dolce, nor do you need a disco shirtparty crown or a dress so good that it makes you change your name…(after all, what is in a name?)


Except that you kind of do need all these things, right?


It’s in that same sense that you need something to Instagram. You’ve exhausted the limit of dog photos you allow yourself to put up in one week. You posted the black and white photo booth strip from your office holiday party and you put up that selfie after you got your makeup done. You’re going home in a few days which will provide excellent TBT content, but not yet. You’ve got the craving now. And you’re in the mood for something…


A little bit festive


– A little bit vintage


– Not all over every other person’s feed


– Slightly stylish


– Or highly stylish


– Nostalgic, but not personally


– Ever-so-slightly ironic


– Something that makes the captioning part easy since your brain’s feeling a little fried.


Photograph via via Chronically Vintage


Well golly gee Pamb, do I have the thing for you. A slideshow of things to Instagram that fit all those bills — including your hidden agenda (Pinterest Porn!) and more.


And while we’re at it, here’s a few more things you might need. Oops!





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Published on December 21, 2015 10:00

Holiday Etiquette

Pointing out to your coworker that his wig looks “especially festive” is rarely productive but often tempting, especially when standing before a room temperature shrimp cocktail platter at your office holiday party.


For one thing, it does not encourage much banter — he is likely to walk away, and a quiet party is an awkward party, which is party foul. For another thing, it’s technically considered bad etiquette to point out anything that isn’t a full moon or an interesting bird.


Yes, Virginia, it is also rude to suggest that someone’s ears look elfin, no matter how complimentary your intent.


But just as Virginia here is as unaware of her poor manners as she was of Santa’s existence, you may have a few questions of your own. You’re not an elf! (Virginia.) You are only human. So without judgement or hidden agenda, I’m here to guide you through any lingering queries so that you can spend the rest of your holiday season in the kind of heavenly peace that choirs sing of.


Avoid Poisoning Your Guests


A seasonally-charged phenomenon occurs every year where those who cannot cook suddenly decide they should, and for a large audience. Due to their lack of experience and intake of wine during the process, it’s alarmingly easy for these well-intentioned and festive hosts to send guests home with food poisoning.


Follow this simple rule: if you’re already a chef, great! Carry on.


If you’re slightly drunk and can’t remember if you washed your hands/decided that the expiration date on your milk is “good enough,” use a caterer or order pizza.


Potlucks, in General, Are Rude


Kindly do not invite anyone to your party if it requires work. Cook or don’t (see above), but putting pressure on your guests by asking them to bring the brisket and transportable glassware is in bad taste, really. It may also taste bad.


Note: BYOB is fine.


Avoid Confrontation


This pertains less to ye old rule about politics, red cups and the word “Christmas” and more to the fact it’s best to not get involved in anything for the sake of a pleasant atmosphere.


If, for example, you’re next to an assigned seat mate and she is eating the raw cranberries floating in her champagne flute as though they were M&Ms, do not alarm her of their potential toxicity — just in the same way you wouldn’t shout at a cat that the poinsettia she’s licking could kill her! Startling someone is considered extremely bad manners, you see. Rather, smack the glass out of her hand “by accident,” offer to clean the mess and discreetly hand her a pamphlet on potentially poisonous berries instead.


Now you’re getting it!


Decorations Are Not Accessories


Repeat after me: Wreathes are not hula hoops.


Guests Are Not Decorations 


Repeat after me: Testicles are not jingle balls.


Carolers Should Give Ample Warning Ahead of Time


Similar to the way yard sales notify you that a display of someone’s attic crap is sprawled out on a lawn approximately 5 miles away from the spotted sign, innocent pedestrians should be notified of nearby Dickensian glee clubs should they harbor a fear of bonnets and cheer or feel financially pressured when in the presence of a passed-around top hat.


Never Serve Eggnog


Most guests are allergic to dairy these days and the 10% who are not still tend to vomit after at least two cups.


Do Not Ask Anyone About Their Life


Society taught us otherwise, but society was wrong. No one wants to answer the following:


Are you seeing anyone?

Do you have a job yet?

Do you know what you want to do?

What are you majoring in?

What are you thinking about?

What’s new?


Refer to this guide for party conversations should you run out of outfit compliments and Snapple facts.


It’s Only Bad to Re-Gift if the Gift Sucks


But it is bad to re-gift the wrapping. Always keep a roll of parchment, scotch tape and twine in your apartment, just in case.


This here is an actual tip and I, too, am floored.


Never Show Up Empty Handed


Stick a bow on your head and voila, you’re the gift.


Feature collage by Emily Zirimis


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Published on December 21, 2015 08:00

What to See Over the Holidays (and With Whom)

The holiday season is more than just upon us. It is here in full force, sitting heavy in our laps like a young child on Santa’s knee, which means gifts, long naps, vacation days — and spending hours with our families. Sure, we love ‘em, but the idea of serving as your mother’s personal IT specialist or having to explain once again to Aunt Polly that no, there’s no one special, can damper even the hardiest of festive cheer.


Luckily, Hollywood is here to help (and capitalize off of) this plight by releasing an endless stream of films over the next few weeks, because what better excuse is there to not talk to your loved ones than watching a movie? Plus, with the mass of films being released, there’s something there for everyone; Nana, Crazy Aunt Polly, even your weird cousin Larry who thinks he can see smells. Since a breadth of opportunity can be overwhelming (and no one wants to end up seated next to Dad during a heated sex scene), here’s your guide on what to see with whom.


Star Wars: The Force Awakens



In Theaters: Now

Stars: Newcomers Daisy Ridley and John Boyega, Oscar Isaac, Domhnall Gleeson, and obvi. Harrison Ford and whoever plays Chewbacca.

Rating: PG-13

Who are you taking: The entire family. Chances are, anyone in your family is going to want to see this movie, and the fans (your older brother who had all the action figures in permanent fighting poses in his closet until the age of 25) will want to see it twice, maybe even three times.

The deets: Not since Lord of the Rings has a four-quadrant-friendly (that’s industry speak for men and women over and under the age of 25) action film with such a prestigious legacy been released, and while perhaps you, like me, don’t remember a lot about the previous films (There’s Leia? The force is important, there are light-sabers, Darth Vadar is your father), the trailer alone will give you the chills. Plot details be damned, there’s a palpable sense of nostalgia and legacy in those cool little tunic outfits and that impressive score, and the whole family will enjoy diving back into this galaxy far, far away. (See what I did there?)


Sisters



In theaters: Now

Stars: Amy Poehler, Tina Fey, Maya Rudolph, Ike Barinholtz

Rating: R

Who you’re taking: Your kooky aunts. They’re going to love this shit. Just make sure you’re comfortable sitting by their side through whatever raunchy comedy stuff pushed this flick into the R-zone — white wine in a to-go cup should do the trick.

The deets: Amy Poehler and Tina Fey play sisters in this Jason Moore-directed film (the man who brought us Pitch Perfect, so what couldn’t go right) who are tasked with cleaning up their childhood home before their parents sell it forever. Obviously, they chose to have a giant party instead and hilarity ensues, because these two women could literally take a nap on screen and create movie gold.


Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip



In Theaters: Now

Stars: Chipmunks. And Jason Lee. Poor, poor Jason Lee.

Rating: PG

Who you’re taking: Those under the age of 9, otherwise known as the only subsection of mankind who can listen to tiny, cartoon rat-like creatures shriek and find it hilarious.

The deets: Dave, the Chipmunks’ dad (?), has finally found love — except she comes with a deadbeat teenage son whom Alvin & Co. are not so fond of. So, they join forces with the twerp to crash Dave’s proposal and put a stop to this wedding once and for all. You know, your classic family comedy, except three of them are rodents.


Joy



In Theaters: 12/25

Stars: Jennifer Lawrence, Bradley Cooper, Donna Mills, Robert De Niro

Rating: PG-13

Who you’re taking: Your mom! Because girl power.

The deets: The film follows the story behind OG entrepreneur Joy Mangano, inventor of the Miracle Mop, and the difficult road she forged to support her family and create her multi-million dollar empire — girl/mom power to the max. While reviews have been mixed, it’s still awesome to see a film out there with a strong female lead, especially one played by Jennifer Lawrence, who has had just as much gumption and influence over the film industry with her grip on not one but two franchises and her recent article on the wage gap in Hollywood.


The Revenant



In Theaters: 12/25

Stars: Tom Hardy, Leonardo DiCaprio, Domhnall Gleeson

Rating: R (for good reason)

Who you’re taking: Definitely not your mom. Stick to relatives comfortable with gore — weird cousins, uncles who like hunting, your stoic father-in-law. Sisters with stomachs of steel. Anyone but your mom.

The deets: Don’t kill Leonardo DiCaprio’s son. Just don’t do it. That’s the overall message of this beautifully shot but gory, Western-style film from Birdman director Alejandro González Iñárritu. The story follows Leo on his journey through the uncharted wilderness to avenge his son after he’s been mauled by a bear and left for dead.


Dialogue is sparse, but the cinematography is truly gorgeous and all encompassing (rumor has it Iñárritu relied only on natural light and shot almost exclusively at magic hour, right before sundown) and the pace is break-neck, so the 2 ½ hour run time flies by. But keep in mind this film is not for those who get a little faint-y at blood — shit gets real in the woods during a quest for vengeance.


The Hateful Eight



In theaters: 12/25

Stars: Jennifer Jason Leigh, Channing Tatum, Samuel L. Jackson

Rating: R

Who you’re taking: Your film-buff cousin who can recite all of Tarantino’s credits by heart. And also not your mom.

The deets: This 168 minute romp of a Western centers around the hangman tasked with bringing a wanted woman to justice, and the six up-to-no-gooders who get in his way because, as we learned in The Revenant, nothing is easy in a Western. It’s Tarantino, so there will be blood, but there will also be iconic dialogue, amazing action sequences and unforgettable characters, so if you can handle three hours of indulgent yet visionary filmmaking, godspeed.


Point Break



In theaters: 12/25

Stars: No one you’ve heard of.

Rating: PG-13

Who you’re taking: Your bro-y cousin who felt strongly, emotionally connected to Fast & Furious 7/any extreme sports enthusiasts in your family/anyone who doesn’t already have intense connections to the original, because they will probably refuse to see a remake.

The deets: I was going to hate on this a bit but I just re-watched the trailer and the stunts are pretty effing incredible. The story, inspired by the 1991 hit by the same name, follows an undercover detective as he infiltrates a ring of extreme athletes using their skills to interrupt international markets. Because obviously. Spoiler alert: these athletes are really hot.


Now pass the popcorn and tell me what you plan to see.


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Published on December 21, 2015 06:00

December 19, 2015

Better Beards Than Santa

Bless the modern man who decided to put down his razor


Who stopped red-lining his scruff like a ruthless editor


And decided to let it grow free.


Bless the significant others who were patient during the early phases


Who stood by as the shadow chaffed their faces


Who put up with that in-between stage where sparse hairs clung to upper lips in a manner that’s best-described as creepy.


Bless the men who paved the way — founding fathers, ancient philosophers, various wizards, leprechauns and lumberjacks.


Santa.


Hagrid.


Bless the men who went against the grain (but never shaved against it)


Who scratched the itch


Who braved the scratch


Who never tired of the joke, “I’m saving it for later.”


Bless those in Brooklyn who brought it back


And traditionalists who never let it go Jack


Tom Selleck’s ‘staches for getting the whole thing started


Ugly Christmas sweater parties


Mutton chops


Irony


No-shave November


Never Shave Again December.


Bless these beautiful beards


And cheers to forgetting about chins entirely in the year two-thousand and sixteen.



Beard research by Emily Zirimis and Krista Anna Lewis


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Published on December 19, 2015 07:00

December 18, 2015

Monocycle: Episode 6

And we’re back!


In this week’s episode of Monocycle, I talk about a relatively recent decision that I made to take my husband’s last name. Not discussed is the prospect of a) my husband taking my last name, nor b) the possibility that we could create a third last name thus leaning into neither a patriarchy nor a matriarchy. But as you’ll see toward the end of our ten minutes together, what name you decide to assume doesn’t really matter so much as does the motivation that propels you toward that decision.


What I’m realizing in putting these episodes together is that it almost always boils back down to: how can I be the happiest version of myself? Anyway, listen on and let me know what you think. I would love nothing more than to have a conversation about what’s in a name.


And because we’re just a week out from Christmas, don’t forget to


a) Indulge yourself


b) Plagirize pop star lyrics for your holiday cards


c) Wear something snazzy.


Intro song: “The Show Must Be Go” by Kevin MacLeod, licensed under Creative Commons by Attribution 3.0 License.  Logo illustration by Kelly Shami; background image via Shutterstock.


Monocycle is produced by Kate Barnett and edited by Nicholas Quazzy Alexander.


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Published on December 18, 2015 12:00

Two Glasses Deep: The Concept of “Me Time”

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Leandra: I just had either the best or worst idea: we record the conversation we’re having right now, plus or minus two glasses of wine, and transcribe the conversation for Man Repeller.


The backstory: we’re talking about feeling overwhelmed, that sense of an inarticulable word best signified by the gesture of your head shaking and hands moving around back and forth. You’re not really realizing why you’re doing it or what is happening or what it means.


A: It looks like you’re juggling the air’s boobs.


L: It does! It looks like you’re a fifteen-year-old juggling boobs, that is exactly what it looks like, and your head is also spinning. Before we hit record, we were talking about how we answer the “How was your weekend?” question. My favorite answer is, “I stayed home for eight hours on Saturday.”


A: I would love to say that. I’m in a place that I think a lot of my friends are in right now where we’re so busy we don’t even call our parents, don’t have ten seconds to ourselves, can’t catch up on life or get our feet under us. When I do have ten seconds to myself, I just sit there and zone out. No productivity. I’m so tired that “me time” becomes about shutting down mentally and drooling.


Everyone’s solution to this problem is, “You know what you have to do — you have to cancel your plans! You say no to things!” But it feels like the equivalent of someone saying to you, “Oh, you should really try flying with your arms some time! New York looks really cool from above.” Like, what do you even mean?


L: There’s also the element of, what are you supposed to say, “no thank you” to all of the things (hanging out with friends, food 24 hours a day, etc) that are supposed to substantiate the reason you live in New York?


A: Yeah! On Sundays, I feel guilty if I’m at home when it feels like the whole world is at a bar, at a museum, outside of the City going to an even cooler museum — you feel like you’re wasting your life.


L: It sounds like you’re saying that living in New York is like being on vacation somewhere in a very culturally rich city. When I’m in Paris for Fashion Week – this has gotten better, but when I was there in the beginning, my first, second, third seasons – I kept coming back to, “What am I doing in this hotel room writing this story when I’m in France? I need to go to the Louvre, I need to go to this museum and that museum and this opening. I’m not taking advantage of the fact that I had to fly to get here!”


The reality is, I had work to get done. And I’m passionate about the work. That was true when I was in Tokyo last December, too. Instagram had just announced that they were removing a lot of “bots” from the app and I had the opportunity to go to a museum that day or write a story about “The Stalk Market.”


So what do I do? Go to the museum in Tokyo, or write this story? Obviously the reaction to this question is different for everyone, but I felt more motivated to stay put and write than I did to leave with the writing lingering over my head. Maybe that’s awful, but it’s what works for me. And what works for you, Amelia, is staying home and spending some time by yourself. So…


A: I don’t know if it’s New York more than anywhere else but you feel like you’re living a social obligation. When I’m freaking out about this, my dad reminds me that I’m not that important. He means it in a nice way, like take the pressures off yourself; you’re not the President. Everyone kind of feels a little bit like they are, though. “Everyone will be mad at me! I’ll lose my connections and my network and my friends! I’ll lose everything that I’ve been working for.” And some friends will give you shit for taking the night off.


L: That seems kind of immature to me.


A: For sure, but I know I’ve been in the reverse position, where the one friend you want to see cannot make time for you, and it’s not personal, but of course you take it personally. I hate when I make people feel that way. Especially people I care about.


It’s wrapped up in narcissism; it’s an inability to shut off for the sake of what happens when you do. Lose all your friends? I don’t know. And then you hear people who don’t live here say, “It’s so different in our town. Nobody goes out every single night.” There’s this weird appeal to living somewhere or belonging to a community where the 24/7 rule does not apply, where Monday through Thursday are proper weekdays, and everyone has agreed to go home at six, and maybe you text or take a phone call, or you go to a restaurant and then go home. But in New York? Things never stop. It’s “going-out” culture, but it’s also “networking” culture, and “being in touch” culture.


I find myself saying all the time to people, “Let’s catch up!” Sometimes I’m lying, sometimes I really do mean it, but what I actually mean is: “I’d love fifteen minutes with you to know how you’re doing. Then I’d love to go home…I’d love to speed date catch-up with you.”


L: Maybe that’s the future of speed dating. Speed friendship.


I think you make a lot of interesting points about how friendship in New York unfolds, because there are a lot of societal boundaries and restrictions, the way that a person is conditioned to feel like they’re connecting with somebody else. In my case, I feel like it took marriage to realize that that’s not reality. That you can live a very fulfilling life respecting yourself and knowing what works for you versus what doesn’t.


A: Sometimes I feel like people want to get married because marriage feels like a free pass to cancel plans.


L: It is kind of a free pass. But the problem isn’t really wanting to get married — that’s trying to put a band-aid on a wound that needs stitches. The problem is the way that we perceive friendship and what we think our friends expect from us. Right? So how do we change that system?


I think it just takes one.


A: Like one person just do it and drop the mic?


L: Yeah, because often times what will happen is that you won’t want to cancel a dinner and the person you’re eating with won’t want to cancel the dinner, either, so you’ll end up exhausted, eventually excusing yourself to the bathroom to text your boss something like, “I’m so sorry I couldn’t get those files to you tonight, I really wanted to get to it but unfortunately, I’m trapped underground.” She’ll pull out her phone and do something similar. Then you get home after the dinner and think, “I could have been home three hours earlier and I wasn’t because me and so-and-so were sitting across from each other at a table, smiling and talking about nothing for two hours.”


A: I always love when I’m sick or when there’s a Fashion Week, or Thanksgiving, some big holiday, because there’s always this agreed upon excuse like, “Sorry, I have the flu,” and everyone’s all, “Oh, no worries, I don’t want to touch you.”


Since it’s almost Christmas break, everyone’s saying, “Let’s schedule in the New Year!” You get a fake free pass. But then it comes back. The fear is that without the excuses… Like, what if I said, “Hey, honestly, I’m just taking these two weeks off to not see anyone.” People would be like, “What a fucking asshole.”


L: Well, why don’t you turn that into a social experiment? Would you ever try that?


A: No.


The other real, underlying factor, for sure, is that if you cancel enough…well, you remember that friend in high school who had a boyfriend and was always with her boyfriend? You stopped asking her to hang out. I think there’s a real fear that suddenly, if enough people catch wind of myself in Netflix and pajamas, they’ll stop asking me to hang out.


L: What are you so afraid of? You don’t also feel like we live in a society where everyone is feeling that a little bit? And would be relieved by your saying that? And what about this: I recently emailed Elizabeth (from our office) and was like, “I can’t do more than five meetings a week, so keep that in mind when we’re scheduling stuff. I will not leave the office more than five times a week, unless I am leaving to write or am leaving for an IVF appointment.”


A: But friends won’t be considered appointments?


L: An appointment is any engagement that takes you away from where you are.


A: I just had to have a “friend breakfast” because I hadn’t seen one of my best friends in a month and a half. And she was like, “Are you seriously scheduling a breakfast with me?” And I was like, “Yeah.” I felt guilty and weird: it felt like a press breakfast. Or like scheduling sex.


L: I think that’s called growing up. And maybe what’s happening is that the friends who you’re planning around are ones who haven’t quite figured that out yet, or haven’t actualized it or are still refusing to build it into their narratives, so they’re like, “What are you doing?” But they are also kind of relieved by the fact that something is on the calendar and they look forward to that thing on the calendar.


A: Right. I do too, I just also don’t know what it’s like to go home and have nothing to do. Do you have that?


L: Do you know what I do when I go home and there’s nothing to do? I write things that I actually want to write.


A: This Saturday was the first time where I could not figure out what was wrong with me until I just sat down and started writing. It was the first time in a long time where I was writing because I actually needed to.


L: And I cook food, and I take showers, and sometimes I shave my legs. I book appointments, I call doctors.


A: Fuck! It has been two weeks and I’m supposed to call this one doctor! I don’t do things!


L: I also text my mom. There’s no such thing as having nothing to do in 2015, you know what I mean?


A: I know, but isn’t the idea that there could be nothing to do the most beautiful thing you could think of?


L: It’s very, very indulgent in the same way that cashmere socks are.


A: I think about being bored in middle school. Those days or weeks when you literally had nothing to do and no one to hang out with.


L: And do you miss that?


A: Sometimes.


L: I never miss it. Because, you know what, something I want to talk about on the podcast is definitely this concept of being really busy and how I was always taught that being busy is better than being bored. And I took that to heart.


A: The first time I heard that, my mom was getting her hair done, and she got mad at me for saying I was bored.


L: My dad got mad at me for saying I was bored when I was like, thirteen and at home on vacation from school


A: “Only boring people get bored.” Do you ever look at someone who has the kind of job where they get to turn off at the end of the day, like clock in and clock out, with nothing to think about after?


L: When I am feeling really burnt out, I totally sympathize with that, like going home and having my own life. But when I’m feeling inspired and motivated, I don’t want to go to sleep and I don’t want to leave the office and I don’t want to not be working. Which I much, much prefer. Maybe we just have to take back, “busy.”


Bottom line: it ain’t over ’til the traffic cone says, “Keep moving.”


Collage by Krista Anna Lewis


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Published on December 18, 2015 10:00

We Tried the Reverse Holiday Diet

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Amelia is Jewish only when it is convenient. That is, if you call her on Yom Kippur, you can rest assured she is eating a sandwich and reminding you about her baptism. When Purim rolls around, though? She’s the queen of costumes and alcoholic beverage consumption. Eating at a restaurant and the special is tender pork belly? She’s on it! And then as though it never happened, there she is, smearing white fish over her bagel, gossiping about the girls from Bridge club.


But I’ve had it, you know? She’s never even attempted atonement. So this year, at the intersection of our faiths: she put on her Hanukkah hat, I test drove (without a license!) right down St. Nick’s lane. There was only rule, which was that Amelia would write a diet for me and I would write one for her.


Here is what she put together, annotated with my reactions.


1) You’re going to need some sort of tree, or a wreath, or at the very least something to decorate.


I cannot commit to bringing Christ into my home, but I will happily pose with a tree on 1st Street, which is close enough.


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Leandra: 1, Christmas: 1, Amelia: dead.


2) You will exclusively play Christmas music, and it has to be playing non-stop.


This was absolutely no problem whatsoever — I listen to the Frank Sinatra and Ella Fitzgerald holiday stations on Pandora almost exclusively, which I mentioned in a post that went live on December 11th. Two for me, Glen Coco. But I hate peppermint.


3) Throw/Attend at least one ugly sweater themed party.


Does claiming ownership over a photo of Beyoncé in the ugliest sweater party sweater count as having completed this task?


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4) Drink eggnog


No.


5) Watch: Love Actually, It’s a Wonderful Life, Elf, Home Alone (or please refer to this list)


I watched Home Alone at least six times. Catherine O’Hara has one of the craziest faces I have ever seen on television. It is so underrated that she asks a flight attendant at the airport in Paris if they could help her charter a private plane home to Kevin for Christmas. Also, here’s a fun fact: John Candy improvised that entire scene where he talks about leaving his kid at a funeral home in the polka polka van when they’re getting O’Hara home to Kev. As you can see, I murdered this movie dance floor.


6) Send at least a few Christmas cards.


I did you one better and sent Christmas gifts. Each came with a card, and every single one said the same thing:


Dear Recipient,


Merry Christmas!


Your Jewish friend with a soul made of gelt,


Leandra


And then I attached a phone number for the orthodox Jewish conversion hotline!


7) Bake festive cookies and bring to office


I defer to you, Amelia, to tell the community about the vegan, gluten free cookies that I made for the office. Leave all tales of chipped teeth out — thx.


8) Order/drink a holiday special at Starbucks. Here’s the 2015 lineup:


Caramel Brulée Latte.

Chestnut Praline Latte.

Christmas Cookie Latte.

Eggnog Latte.

Gingerbread Latte.

Honey And Almond Hot Chocolate.

Peppermint Mocha.

Toffee Nut Latte.


Leandra and Christmas: 2, Leandra’s waist line: 4777387219.


9) COUNT DOWN THE DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.


No. Why would I count down the days until the end of my favorite Pandora stations? You are a masochist and I won’t engage with your antics.


10) Dress festive (red/green/sparkly).


I defer to this.


And this.


And this!


And here’s an outfit I wore last Sunday night.


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Johanna Ortiz polka dot top and pants


And now, for Amelia’s diet.

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So I grew up half-Jewish.


The entire world seemed to buy this or at least let me live until I met Leandra Medine about six years ago and she told me this made no sense. Technically, I understood her reasoning. Theoretically, however, I understood mine more. Dad: Jewish. Mom: Catholic. Me: Guilty.


But whatever, it meant I did a little bit of it all: a first communion here, a cousin’s bar mitzvah there, Easter, Passover, Christmas and Hanukkah. I’ve got about 10% of the prayers on both sides memorized and mumble along with the rest, just like how I sing along to the 2nd verse of Brandy and Monica’s “The Boy is Mine.”


When this holiday season rolled around and Leandra and I decided to swap customs, I secretly assumed I’d win. Channukah was only 8 days long — Christmas starts the second Thanksgiving ends so technically, she was already behind.


But that right there was first mistake. Not assuming I’d win, of course, but in spelling Hanukkah. Chanukah. Ḥanukah. חנוכה. I mean how the fuck do you spell this word if Google gives you 8234567 versions?! Watch me explore the variety in my diet below.


Next came Leandra’s insane assignment list that was designed to raise my cholesterol, get me arrested for cocaine consumption and make me broke.


Behold — her instructions, copied & pasted verbatim, in bold, followed by my results and notes:


1) You must consume at least one powdered jelly donut every single day. You must also make sure that powdered residue remains above your top lip for at least 20 minutes post consumption.


Finding traditional powdered “sufganiyah” with strong-enough Yelp reviews in New York City proved more difficult than one might imagine, especially considering that I am lazy and hate walking into stores.


I ended up spending 20 excruciating minutes on the phone with Doughnut Plant to confirm that their Hanukah doughnuts were legit and another 20 excruciating dollars to have them delivered.


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They sent me the wrong ones (these were covered in peanuts as opposed to powder) so unfortunately, no Pablo Escobar ‘stache. They were, however, filled with blackberry jelly. I ate both of course and consider this a win.


Also of note: Leandra baked cookies, and they were actually good. Since she’s Jewish, I now consider these Jewish cookies and give myself an extra credit point.


2) Light the Menorah every night starting tonight and recite the prayers. 


Arguably the most important part of this holiday, I only lit the candle once.


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And on the 2nd day. However, my excuse is that upon calling my (Jewish) grandmother to wish her a Happy Hanukah, she told me that lighting candles was very dangerous and not to do it ever again.


2a) You should also tell everyone Kendallabra is trying to steal Hannukah’s thunder.


No, Leandra.


3) Give up meditation for a week and instead play dreidl (basically the same thing)


I don’t meditate (can you tell?!?!?!?!? EIieoSIHG OSHOUh!! ! ! ! !) so this was easy to give up. Meanwhile, dreidel — the 10th word in this “diet” with 100 different variations on its spelling — became my new favorite way to make noise in the office.


4) Eat potato pancakes for breakfast, tell people they’re latkes and that eating them sure beats doing homework.


Another culinary fail. The restaurant “ran out.” I was mad but I’m also half-Irish so I know the struggle of a potato famine well.


5) Buy me a gift every night for all eight nights


It’s the thought that counts?


6) Whenever asked how you’re doing this week, you must answer, “Wonderful! I am celebrating the miracle of light!” — and then go into the extensive Biblical narrative wherein the Maccabees light a menorah in the holy temple and the light lasts for eight days. Then interrupt yourself and say that this is just one of the stories we tell ourselves in order to live.


I opted out and wore a menorah hat instead.


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6a) Remind people that though Joan Didion is not Jewish, her birthday does overlap with Hanukah this year.


Mostly I just reminded people how Thanksgiving coincided with Hanukah last year and repeatedly brought up Seth Cohen’s creation of Chrismukkah.


7) Learn to say “suvganiyot,” which means jelly donuts in hebrew.


Easy like the Internet.



8) Memorize the lyrics to this song, become a pubescent boy with the vocal talent of an angel on acid.


I remain a post-pubescent woman. However, I also much prefer the Maccabeats:



9) Stop spending US dollars, force vendors to take “gelt” (it’s gold coin chocolate)


Uber loved this!!!


10) Commit an orthodox conversion


Awkward…Christmas is coming soon, so no can do.


But you didn’t think I’d let myself lose, right?


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Just like the Maccabees said — it’s a miracle.


Collaged by Krista Anna Lewis and Emily Zirimis.


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Published on December 18, 2015 08:00

How to Style Sparkly Tights

Want to add some competition to your holiday outfit? Join the battle.


Holiday parties are like one night stands. You blame your behavior on the “spiked punch” and somehow, you always end up with glitter in your eyebrows. When it comes to the (anticipated or dreaded, depending on where you work) office party, your outfit should fall somewhere in between: Homely receptionist who suddenly transforms into a Victoria Secret Angel with the removal of her glasses, and Sophia Vergara at the Emmys.


Sound impossible? That’s because it is! These three outfits however, are not. Grab the sparkly stockings off of your mantel, dust them off and thank them for giving you another reason to not shave your legs.


1. The Smoking Gun


Band of Outsiders black pants and jacket suit, YSL kitten heels (similar here), Free People t-shirt bodysuit, We Love Colors tights (similar here)


This Band of Outsiders jacket and pant suit continuously proves itself as the most versatile articles of clothing in my closet. Wear it the Rihanna way: sans t-shirt and with the confidence of a long haired Dachshund at the Westminster Kennel Club. Or, make like a Carine Roitfeld x Uniqlo campaign and pull your fishnets up over a white bodysuit. Win either way.


2. The, “I Spent Too Much Money on My Penny Lane Halloween Costume to Not Wear It Again”



I’ve found that this look works particularly well at events where you know less than 10% of the crowd. Why? Drunk people love petting things, and what better way to break the bathroom-line-ice than to grant fidgety bystander the pleasure of stroking your faux fur? Direct their attention to your festive gams by performing the everyman’s favorite party trick: The Moon-Walk-then-Ghost. Repeat every 35 minutes.


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3. The, “It’s Right Off the L Line”


Vintage Levi's jeans, Free People sweater, Issey Miyake scarf, Martiniano shoes, We Love Colors tights (similar here)


Your best friend invited you to the party of her co-worker’s rumored boyfriend’s goldfish. This, and the fact that the party will take place “right off the L line” are the only two bits of information you have. The dress code is that there is none, which means that 100% of attendees will wear vintage Levis and some variation of a cold shoulder top. You’ll need two things: comfortable walking shoes and a pair of sparkly tights – you know, should the party hit a lull and somebody suggest limbo.





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Photographed by Krista Anna Lewis; styled by Esther Levy-Chehebar


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Published on December 18, 2015 06:00

December 17, 2015

Social Media is a Tattle Tale

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I miss nothing more than the ability to lie. Part of that longing has to do with my own late blooming in the department of fabricated stories — it took me about twelve years to learn how to quiet the stealth creep of guilt that snuck in on its elbows and forearms whenever I said something untrue, and another two to actually use this form of story-telling to my advantage. I only ever lie* about plans.


*Lied.


There’s a difference between immoral dishonesty and being casually deceptive. The former area is where still I throw up, the latter area is where I used to practice: “I can’t come tonight! Feeling sick!” or “Darn, won’t be here this weekend!” or “Getting a nose job, send my regards to Beth!” (The reality: I’m probably around and with a fully functioning nose. I just don’t want to come.) It’s here where I honed the skills that I can no longer flex thanks to the announcer of my calendar that is social media.


Social media will put you on blast.


The golden age of plan evasion has technically been over since MySpace. I was caught at least once during high school for appearing in a photo from a party on the same night I had claimed to be grounded. But smart phones, with their Snapchat and their Instagram and their location-detecting devices, have made the old “I’m staying in tonight” completely impossible. So much so that there’s no longer any point to lie. Mark my words: you will get caught.


If you’re so in tonight then why are you in the back right corner of Carol’s Snap story doing a hand stand?


And why didn’t you answer my text?


If your phone was dead then how did you comment on Laura’s Instagram?


And how did you send that tweet?


Oh right, you tweeted from your computer…but I thought you said you were napping.


Because didn’t you say that you missed my call mid-snooze? Which is so weird considering that around this same time, you opened an old Snap that I’d sent you. 


Which seems like your phone is in fact very much alive and you are very well.


Well enough to attend Carol’s party, at least.


Because you were also tagged on Insta in a TBT.


You see, things used to be more simple. A girl could tell a white lie to get out of a double-booking without hurting feelings, or skip a dinner in favor of a couch. She could walk in and out of her own schedule as she so pleased and wasn’t tethered to the obligations of others — regardless of her original RSVP.


If you’re not a liar you may be thinking, “Why don’t you just tell the truth?” The truth will set you free, I guess, but is the truth about your business really anyone’s business besides your own?


In the age of transparency, yes.


In reality, no. And if people weren’t so nosey, then I wouldn’t have to schedule three routine and one abnormal nose jobs in a row.


Bracelets by Shourouk, Aurelie Bidermann and Venessa Arizaga Photographed by Krista Anna Lewis


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Published on December 17, 2015 10:00

Ask a French Girl About the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

The human ornament that is our resident French Girl, Laura, is back to decorate your computer screens with this festive edition of Ask a French Girl where she tolerates the very kinds of questions that boil at our toes like apple cider. But your mom was right: there is no such thing as a stupid question, so long as the person responding has bangs like Jane Birkin and an accent like Serge. Shall we?


What makes it actually feel like *the Holidays*? Everyone keeps saying it doesn’t feel like the Holidays yet.


It completely feels like it! People want to have dinner “before the end of the year,” Christmas music is everywhere, people are mega, uber busy and you feel like you’re not on track for Christmas gifts. It’s definitely The Holidays!


When is ok to start playing Christmas music and when should it end?


It should end the day after Christmas, really! Is Justin Bieber still singing after the concert ends? No, because every good thing has an end.


Favorite holiday song?


“All I Want For Christmas Is You” from Love Actually, music from Tchaikovsky’s “The Nutcracker,” the Amélie soundtrack (even though it’s not technically holiday music), and anything Chopin. I love him.


Have you ever been to an Ugly Sweater party?


Last Saturday! I got there with one of my best friends and everyone was wearing the nicest ugly sweaters. I completely forgot about the outfit rule and had been at the ballet before, so I showed up with a long black dress. I felt like I was the one wearing the ugliest sweater. They were all so cute.


Do you understand the point of them?


It is like Halloween but in winter. Was this invented by a designer who needed an excuse to create fluffy and weird sweaters?


Favorite holiday movie?


Le Père Noël est une OrdureLes Bronzés font du Ski, La Piscine — all of the French classics I only get to see when I am with my little sister.


Favorite holiday tradition? 


We have a ton in my family, like my mother’s Christmas Eve dinner and breakfast on the 25th where we discuss the right way to perfectly cook your toast or eggs. For way too long. I don’t think that is a French thing, but definitely part of my family’s tradition.


Another one is to go skiing, all of us, on Christmas day, and to stop early for a big lunch. This always end with oranges and chocolates. The lunch is often at the same restaurant — La Grande Ourse — which I adore. After our big lunch, we immediately go for a Christmas stroll with my mum and my sister, making sure we buy the freshest bread and even more wine and gin than necessary.


Favorite holiday drink?


Hendricks tonic with cucumber.


How do Americans and French people celebrate this time of year differently?


Americans do it a little louder than the French. Their recipes have cinnamon and all types of powder and pumpkin. In France, there are some traditional meals, but more importantly there’s hot wine with orange that is so delicious and you can find everywhere. I also feel like French are less into the decoration of their home. But that’s not only related to Christmas — Americans love to decorate their interior for any reason, no?


Also, I find it fascinating that since living in America, I am way more into the cliché of Christmas. I even thought about wearing red pajamas. 


I said thought about it.


What’s the IDEAL holiday party outfit?


A white shirt, bell bottom velvet pants, big sparkly earrings or a tiara inspired from the Dolce show. No need for skirts or dresses — you are sitting at a table, sharing meals, so no one sees your legs! Smile everyone, this is the good news.





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Sequins: yes or no?


Sequin socks, sequin pants!


Kiss under the mistletoe: yes or no?


Why not? But it is the same thing as a kiss in the subway: Depends who it is. Just because you see a subway doesn’t mean you’re going to kiss someone, and just because you see this plant doesn’t mean that you should kiss someone.


Are you already thinking about New Year’s resolutions or do you wait until after Christmas?


Im not so into them before Christmas. I like to think Christmas is all about food and cooking. I will wait for January 2nd to say I want to be healthy this year. And by January 3rd, which is when we eat galete des rois (King cake) for the festival of the Epiphany, I will find a good excuse to not continue. One step at a time.


What’s your favorite cheap gift to give?


A hug. No, I’m joking. Food baskets are always well-received. Or a good bottle of wine.


Re-gifting: yes or no


NO. So mean.


What’s your favorite “little indulgence”?


What does that mean? Wait, let me look. Going to the pool after a full day of skiing? Or eating cheese and charcuterie plates every night because it is the specialty in Val d’Isère.


Do french people send those cards that are a pic of someone’s entire family and then catch you up on every single detail of their lives? (“Billy got into second grade, Martha lost a tooth…”)


Hahahahah no. We barely send texts to say, “Happy new year.”


Photographed by Krista Anna Lewis


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Published on December 17, 2015 08:00

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