Leandra Medine's Blog, page 577

How to Deal With the Post-Vacation Blues

About five times a year I become convinced that I will never have fun again. Among these five times include the week following July 4th, the week following my birthday, the week following Labor Day, the aftermath of at least one wild card weekend which is subject to occur at any time, and following the winter holiday break.

In the interest of full disclosure, I’m writing this before the break has even begun. I say that so you know I wrote this with a clear mind as opposed to one that’s frozen with pre-work anxiety and that dark, I’ll-never-have-fun-again feeling.

Because right now, in this space, I know I will. How? (HOW?!?!) By doing and/or keeping in mind the following:

Make a to-do list, and then bear with me

Write down everything you have to do.

Then circle everything you have to do today. 

Identify “everything you have to do today” as A) the things that, if not completed EOD, will fuck up someone else’s day and B) the things that, if not completed EOD, will get you fired.

Do those things first.

Complete second tier to-do’s next.

Make a to-do list for tomorrow, then call it quits at a normal time. In the words of every sane person I know, “The work will be there tomorrow whether or not you do it now.” So go home. Bet you haven’t unpacked or done the laundry yet, right? There she is.

Plan something that requires a reservation for this weekend

It doesn’t have to be anywhere “trendy,” but put your name down at a restaurant you’ve been wanting to try or one that you heard was terrible and would like to make up your own mind about. The point is that you will have something to look forward to and somewhere to be.

Get dressed up

Get dressed up for the reservation above, get dressed up for work, get dressed up to run errands, get dressed up to take a selfie. Don’t let “but I have nowhere to wear head-to-toe sequins and a feather cape to” be your excuse any longer. It’s 2016, we left normcore way behind.

Make a sitting plan with friends

This is less intense than standing plans but does require you and your friends to agree to a new tradition, whether it’s to visit a museum once a month, do a Google hangout once a week, or dinner every third Sunday. The goal is to have something to look forward to. Leandra and I will be having virgin cocktails at The Carlyle next Monday. Doesn’t that sound great?

Avoid college students

They’re on break way longer than those in the work force and will remind you that you’re not on vacation anymore. (But hey, at least you pay your own bills!)

Avoid babies, too

Always sleeping and eating. So rude.

Sign yourself up for something 

A calligraphy class, geography lessons, Blue Apron, a volunteer program — you need an extracurricular activity that isn’t drinking or the gym.

That said, drink and workout

Not at the same time, but also not not at the same time.

Start a project

Finally begin doing that thing you’ve always talked about. Bonus points if it can be done from the couch.

Start a group chat

With strangers! It’s so much more fun and just as confusing as with friends.

Host a dinner at the end of January

This will give you something to plan all month and will give all those who you invite a pleasant reason to complain (they have nothing to wear!) (but they do!) (isn’t figuring out your outfit the best part of dinners?) (besides the eating!) (cool punctuation huh?) (sorry).

Nest

Focus on getting your apartment or room or home cozy. Buy candles, DIY a pillow, visit your florist toward the end of the day when he or she is likely to give you a discount on the nicer flowers, play music non-stop and create a space that you makes you excited to stay in.

With all that crap out of the way, now you can nest: gather all the twigs, berries and baby worms you can find!

Repeat after me…

It’s gonna be ok. It’s gonna be great. And there’s just a few more months until summer. Until then: scroll through the slideshow above and smile — it could be worse.

Feature image photographed by Max Farago for Self Service Magazine.

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What Are Your 2016 Goldfish Resolutions?

Resolutions get shit on a lot. And I get it — making them confirms our shortcomings. They’re lists of things we either see ourselves as having failed to do the year before or feel like we need to do in the following one. Kind of like a year-end review of ourselves that won’t end in a promotion. So that’s annoying.

But.

When you look at resolutions through the lens of both optimism and encouragement (here’s a barf bag in case the altitude makes you sick), resolutions are just room for improvement, and we’re goldfish.

Why? Because when kept in little bowls, we stay the same length and shape and color. But as the bowls get larger, we get bigger. Stronger and longer and more golden. So if a resolution is indeed “room for improvement,” that room is just another square inch we’re given to stretch.

Confused? Consider this: “I want to lose 3 pounds” won’t help you grow. “I want to prioritize my health,” however, might.

Even better: “I want to try a new workout class that sounds fun and kind of scary where I get to yell a lot and finally use my new cool ass sneakers that I bought last year when I said I was going to lose 3 pounds.” See, now you get to dance, too.

A few of my own goldfish resolutions this year are as follows:

– Draw more. (Open ended and without any structured number to measure against, you see. No “draw 1 picture a week,” no “become next Leonardo da Vinci.”) Just: more.

– Get back into yoga but don’t feel like this means I need to master yoga or do a headstand or complete a 30-day Bikram challenge. Just: get back into it.

– Do new things. It’s been over five years that I’ve lived in this city, and it’s high time I see a new museum, visit a new park, try a new restaurant or even take a new subway.

Chances are that if I turn off my phone here and there, do a few downward dogs and like, leave my apartment, I should be able to check off all three by next December 31. But every single magazine I have ever read while waiting at the gyno prior to the New Year has said that this resolving stuff — it’s all much easier when you do it with a friend.

So…what’ll it be? What are your goldfish resolutions for 2016?

Photographed by Krista Anna Lewis

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Monocycle: Episode 7

Welcome to a special New Years episode of Monocycle. You might find yourself confused about four minutes in: is she talking about New Year’s Eve as an institution and what one should wear to commemorate the occasion, or is this a new-age soapbox to volley for or against the moot concept of resolutions? Frankly, it’s neither. Instead I ask that you think of this edition as a sort of test. What do you want to keep seeing from this podcast? Do you like when I pretend to be the self help aisle at Barnes and Noble? Would you prefer more elaborate story telling? As we usher in a new year neither putting too much pressure on it nor taking it so lightly, when better to start thinking actionably about improvement?

Intro song: “The Show Must Be Go” by Kevin MacLeod, licensed under Creative Commons by Attribution 3.0 License.  Logo illustration by Kelly Shami.

Monocycle is produced by Kate Barnett and edited by Nicholas Quazzy Alexander.

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2015 Was the Year That…

Welcome to the awkward age of media where the Internet basically can’t help but ruin a joke by telling it over and over. It’s why everyone would rather listen to a podcast and withstand the Mail Kimp commercial than they would read one more list of X things to do before they die. But uh…since you’re still alive…here’s hoping you won’t mind this final recap of a year that’s best remembered in a list.

2015 Was the Year That…

Drake became the most-memed person/place/thing on the Internet.

He was also the last artist to drop a surprise album on Instagram, putting the end to the musical heart attack madness. This was confirmed by…

Justin Bieber & Adele, who released their albums the old fashioned way then went head-to-head for most obsessed-over pop album of the year. 

Despite the fact that Adele wasn’t nominated for 2016 Grammys. Of course Taylor Swift was, but that’s arguably in part due to her…

Squad Goals

The three words that had the best year ever in 2015; three words because 1) #squad 2) #goals 3) #squadgoals. And no Squad is complete without…

Gigi Hadid and Kendall Jenner

Both model-daughters of famous people with famous sisters, none of whom have time for the haters. Speaking of those younger sisters…

The World Became Obsessed With Kylie Jenner

And her Lip Kit that sold out so fast people started re-selling theirs on Ebay for the price of a small child and wouldn’t you know it, many sold their newborns for it. Speaking of babies…

Babies Had a Bad 2015

No one really cared about Princess Charlotte, the second royal child, Saint West did nothing for SEO (especially compared to North) and too many millennials in that “I’m not considered a millennial, right?” age bracket named their children after .

Oh Yea, Millennials Hate Being Called Millennials 

It’s worse than “hipster,” which is also no longer a thing, but technically speaking, everyone whose parent is a Gen X-er is a millennial — regardless of whether or not you use Snapchat. Speaking of Snapchat…

Snapchat Became King 

Which means our children just might name their kids 0 MPH or Rainbow Barf Face. But probably not, since that’s likely somehow offensive, because…

Political Correctness Took Over 2015

Sorry!!! I didn’t mean it that way. I must just be tired. Actually, I’m really stressed. Actually, I’m both, but there’s a new word for it. It’s called…

Burnout

Burnout was the hottest runway trend of 2015 considering that it was the speculated reason behind Raf Simons’ departure from Dior, Alber Elbaz’s from Lanvin and Alexander Wang’s from Balenciaga. Weird that it took us this far down in the list to talk about fashion, huh? That’s because there’s a lot to cover…

Fashion Dropped Normcore, Stayed Stuck in the 70s and 90s

And then people started dressing up more for the gym than they do for the office. Except for toe-bone sock-shoes. You know what I mean, right? And you can thank Céline and Maryam Nassir Zadeh for them — they’re great for bunions! Also a thing: bodysuits. These not these, though the latter were big on Halloween. Oh! And nice became cool again — probably because comfort became the new luxury, so erryone was like, “Aaahh.” Further in fashion news, vintage Levi’s became so prevalent the word “vintage” has been rendered useless. At least ’round these parts. All of which means 2015 was sort of sartorially confused.

You know who is not confused? Alessandro Michele. He’s responsible for…

The Style of the Year: Gucci’s Eccentric

Who will you be today? (That question feels so…sophomore year of high school soul-searching journal entry, doesn’t it? That’s because…)

Your High School Had a Comeback

The OC was revived as a short-lived musical, Abercrombie & Fitch is on its way back it (trust us!) and Instagram bios became as important as your old AIM profiles. This technically only applies to the Gen-Y-ers who remember a world before Google. So here’s one for the Vine-age millennials:

The Whip/Nae Nae and the Dab Tied for Most Viral Dances of 2015

Hoverboard choreography rolled in (because that shit doesn’t really hover) at a close second place. Sort of like eyebrows did! Oh yes…

Your Eyebrows May Still Be “on Fleek,” But What About Your Lashes?

Everyone got falsies in 2015. They compliment the contouring, the strobing, the lip-kitting, no makeup and the no-makeup-makeup look. Raise your brow if you think this has anything to do with…

The Mass Migration to LA

Goodbye to all that, New York I blame the weather (2015’s most talked about commodity), which is seemingly picking itself back up to reclaim the lost souls in 2016. One thing we can blame on LA, however…

Meditation Became the New Juice Cleanse

Drinking smoothies stopped being the new eating food and everyone shut the fuck up about kale. (Sorry if you bought the sweatshirt.) But ohm wasn’t just limited to the downward dog. Oh no. It permeated your breath, at least 20 minutes of your day and your wardrobe. Why? Well…

2015 Was the Year of Cleaning Out Your Closet 

And you can thank Marie Kondo for that. She’s all about the streamlined vibe. Ugh. Vibe. That word still needs to die. Speaking of what-the-kids-are-saying vocabulary…

Fuckboi

It’s all the rage. I think back in my day we used to call them douchebags.

Donald Trump!

Weird, this was the one place on this list I couldn’t find a segue…you know when you know it’s riiiiight there — like your Apple remote — but you just can’t find the fucker?

Anyway.

If Drake won the most-memed rapper, then Trump won the most-memed wannabe president, with the exception of Kanye West who announced his intent to run in 2020 during the VMA’s while a little drunk.

…Which you just might do after you’re done reading this — before you go to the movies with your cousin or hit up yet another family party. Do you have things to talk about in case your grandma asks you about your love life? Don’t forget the wine, it’ll help. Don’t forget your manners, either. Just put on polka dots and call it a day.

Collages by Emily Zirimis

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The Unfair Agony of a Gift Card

At 14, you are used to answering the phone to a wailing pack of sobs. Without any aid from caller ID you immediately know which friend is crying on the other end although it might take a few beats to confirm that this is not, in fact, laughter.

Christmas Day, 2003 was no exception. A veteran in amateur therapy, I knew that office hours meant nothing when it came to the tenets of friendship. If my phone rang, I answered. And besides: Christmas morning phone calls between my best friends and I were as important a ritual as the day itself. We’d dissect and compare every stocking stuffer, coveted sweater, items still unchecked on our lists and the things that Santa got wrong.

On a sunny December 25th, one particular gift in the sob category prompted my friend Anna to gift me with such a call.

We ran through the motions:

Identify caller.

Crying or laughing? Crying.

Is someone dead? No.

Did she just get broken up with? No.

Did she just watch a very sad episode of One Tree Hill? No.

Well what, then?

Her parents gave her a $200 gift card to a shop she hated.

“She is spoiled!” you may want to cry. “Ungrateful!” “Give it to me!”

But the agony of a gift card is a real, honest thing.

You cannot return a gift card. You cannot exchange it for money, and though sites now exist where others can buy your cards for less, I know few women who’ve ever actually pushed through and completed such a transaction.

You are beholden to the card, a prisoner to its store. You are locked into a relationship you didn’t ask to partake in, like being caught in the trenches of a reply-all fight. You can’t not use it — that would be wasteful. But what’s worse? A cold square of plastic trapping money tight inside it like a witch’s spell that can only be broken by a single unicorn tear, or, using it up on stuff you don’t like and will never wear yet feel too guilty to give away. (Because what if the giver asks!)

Say you do like the gift card’s store: then you’re faced with a budget you didn’t know you were on. $200 dollars to an expensive e-shop makes you ask yourself, over and over: do I actually like this item, or do I like it because now, it’s free?

And if it’s $200 toward something you love that’s still well over your real budget, suddenly you’re lost in the mind fuck of justifying thar $900 for x pair of shoes is a great deal if you consider that you’re only paying $700, and you don’t see anything else you want.

Or you’re stuck in filtered e-purgatory, scrolling. Scrolling. Scrolling through your tiny price section.

Then there are the implications that run amuck in our own narcissisms:

Did she get me this because she hates how I dress?

Did he get me this because he dislikes my decor?

Did they get me this because they don’t know me at all?

I know it’s the thought that counts. That we’re lucky to get anything in the first place. But I also think this is precisely why babies and cats have life figured out: when it comes to gifts, there is something satisfying about the simplicity of an empty cardboard box.

(Which, as punishment for her ungratefulness, is exactly what Anna got.)

Collage by Emily Zirimis

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New Year’s Eve is Overrated, Your Outfit Doesn’t Have to Be

Popularly held belief: New Year’s Eve is both overrated and overpriced (I paraphrased this sentiment from Entourage’s Ari Gold).

Unfortunate fact in spite of the above: We still make plans and waste money and wake up feeling especially let down by the expectations we set at a bar so high that not even Lebron James could dunk on them.

New theory: In spite of the fact that intellectually, we know that New Year’s Eve is the overwhelming manifestation of exactly the kind of pressure we resolve to abandon at the start of a new year, we also always remember the night. And thus there is palpable pressure, you see, to make memories we want to remember.

So how does one reconcile two disparate beliefs in order to achieve satisfaction?

Goal modification.

Mindset reorientation.

An excuse to get dressed up that is not mutually exclusive with doing something that requires you to get dressed up. This is the important one — and I don’t know if this is the case for you, but often times I will quite frankly make plans just to have an occasion to wear a new dress, or head band, or robe. Which I didn’t realize until I started writing this thing and now that I’m here, I feel my head exploding!

Example: This New Year’s Eve, I will refuse to attend a dramatic restaurant with a menu of (g)astronomic prices you’d think were fixed for domestic dwelling space fees. But this will not count out the outfit I anticipated to be perfect for the occasion. Indeed, the striped ankle-length dress and starry stole and heels so high I’m forced to make another reference to Lebron James dunking will weather the lack of weather experienced indoors, where I plan to drink libations with 3-5 of my closest friends over crudités and hummus.

Céline dress, Creatures of the Wind fur sole (another option here), Charlotte Olympia shoes

And for the gala being held where dreams come true at Grand Prospect Hall? Here’s my RSVP, “No.” I’ll be far too busy whipping cream into my hot chocolate at the all-you-can-eat, breakfast-for-lunch buffet.

Johanna Ortiz polka dot outfit, J.Crew turtleneck, Paula Mendoza earrings, Benoît Missolin headband, Simon Miller bag with Shourouk tassels coming out of it

And because there is a possibility you already planned to stay in, here’s a recommendation that betrays your classic robe and pajama pants. Go silk or leave home!

Thakoon robe, Dries Van Noten pants, Vilshenko shirt, Sanayi 313 shoes, Edie Parker bag

The holidays may be over, people, but if my clothes can do anything, it is prove that my spirit and cheer can’t be crushed.

Photographed by Krista Anna Lewis

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Christmas Song Wars

On Thu, Dec 17, 2015 at 4:28 PM, Amelia Diamond wrote:

Do you know what Christmas song definitely does NOT get enough airtime? This:

On Fri, Dec 18, 2015 at 11:02 AM, Kate Barnett wrote:

I think you just shut down this entire conversation AND discovered the origin of Mick Jagger’s strut:

On Fri, Dec 18, 2015 at 11:15 AM, Amelia Diamond wrote:

You are always right about things, but this time you have never been more right about a thing.

Anyways. I actually used to hate that song but it grew on me despite lack of airtime. DO YOU KNOW WHAT CHRISTMAS SONG I REALLY HATE?

The actual fuck? (Though note that Nat King Cole is otherwise a top tier fav.)

On Fri, Dec 18, 2015 at 11:30 AM, Kate Barnett wrote:

Is Christmas music like greasy Chinese food? It’s terrible unless you really want it and then the worse it is, the better it feels? See: Mannheim Steamroller.

I objectively hate this album, and yet for the past 20 years my mom’s kept this cassette tape in the box of ornaments, and it sounds like Christmas.

Do you think we can get Quazzy to do a dubstep remix? [Ed note: Nicholas Quazzy Alexander, Monocycle producer]

On Fri, Dec 18, 2015 at 12:15 PM, Amelia Diamond wrote:

Omg Kate what was that song. I hate synths. No.

NO! Christmas Music is not like Chinese food! I hate irony when paired with my festive listenings.

I also hate Chinese food, so there’s another reason I failed my Hanukkah diet.

My mom played Joni Mitchell’s “River” like, non-stop:

(And Indigo Girls which DOES NOT count as Christmas music)

But I’m more about that “Chestnuts Roasting On an Open Fire”-type jam, you know? (There we go, Nat. Redemption.) That Bing Crosby/Irv Berlin magic!

And to that, with the exception of Mariah Carey’s Most Famous Song, I really do not believe that any new Christmas songs should have ever been allowed to be made past 1971. All downhill from there.

On Fri, Dec 18, 2015 at 12:55 PM, Kate Barnett wrote:

I can’t address “The River” right now.

Moving on: obvious yes to Bing Crosby/Irv Berlin. And pre-1971 almost works — 1960’s “Please Come Home for Christmas” by Charles Brown, 1963’s “Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)” by Darlene Love, anything off of 1965’s A Charlie Brown Christmas by the Vince Guaraldi Trio…I’ll even include 1971’s “Happy Xmas (War is Over).”

But here’s the problem, the greatest christmas song ever created was released in 1977….

On Fri, Dec 18, 2015 at 3:22 PM, Amelia Diamond wrote:

LMK when you’re doing taking a knee on The River, although who can say anything about a Joni song besides “feelings.”

UM DARLENE LOVE ALL DAMN DAY. The 60s were a golden age of music and Christmas just got lucky for being around during that time, really.

Meanwhile the Kinks have their time and place for SURE, but NOT between November 26 – December 30! Not in my house. Stay in your lane, yung British men.

I love Louis Armstrong’s “Christmas in New Orleans,” “Christmas Night in Harlem,” “Merry Christmas, Baby” (I wonder what his favorite holiday is?…) — although I think I much prefer Charles Brown’s version.

Know what song I HATE? “Little Drummer Boy.” Go home with your damn drum.

On Mon, Dec 21, 2015 at 11:39 AM, Kate Barnett wrote:

Ok, I get your holiday listening aesthetic. It’s Starbucks. And who doesn’t love Satchmo and white chocolate mochas? (Fun fact: Louis Armstrong was fluent in Yiddish and wore a Star of David. True story.) But did you even LISTEN to “Father Christmas”? It’s the perfect blend of holiday earnestness, tongue in cheekiness, class angst and early punk-pop listenability. It’s also ideal for a holiday-themed workout mix.

If we’re sticking to classics, though, then I put in my final bid: “The Holly and the Ivy.” Because I spent years caroling at every strip mall and hospital in the Central Valley, and a classic is a classic.

On Mon, Dec 21, 2015 at 2:43 PM, Amelia Diamond wrote:

STARBUCKS? THAT IS AN INSULT. THERE IS NO JOSH GROBAN OR MICHAEL BUBLE ON MY LIST. These are classics! No amount of corporate festivity and commercialized, curated “taste” can take that away from this genre. Jesus Christ. (HBD!)

Ok. I will give you that your final bid is truly beautiful. To the point where I just may or may not have cried a little bit. It also reminded me that the Harry Potter soundtrack — though not great throughout a Christmas dinner — makes for excellent background noise if you can’t hear “Santa Baby” one more time, which I can’t.

“Baby It’s Cold Outside” has also been ruined but that’s 100% the Internet’s doing, so thanks a lot, WEB — the world’s worst reindeer.

Speaking of which, I officially add “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer” to my list of Don’t Play This Around Me Or I’ll Throw a Pinecone at You. What a fucking weird song.

My final bid…this is so stressful. “I’ll Be Home for Christmas.”

Just kidding.

It’s between this for the music video and this one for the emotions. Two of the only exceptions besides Mariah Carey to my post-1971 rule and a great case for the mustache comeback of 2016.

On Mon, Dec 21, 2015 at 3:38 PM, Kate Barnett wrote:

I’m going to forgive that monstrosity by Queen for the sake of your jingle spirit and their music video for “I Want to Break Free.” But if we’re talking cheesy music videos, “Little Dummer Boy” needs to be revisited. I see your Wham! and raise you David Bowie and Bing Crosby happening upon each other in a mansion and deciding share a bit of noel cheer. Also reenacted word for word by Will Ferrel and John C. Reily here. You’re welcome.

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Turtleneck Hair Now

Everyone has an opinion about turtlenecks (us included). Champions of warmth will vet in their favor while those who continue to try to disassociate the oft-holiday-inspired outfitting choices of their elderly family members from their current fashion endeavors likely elect to keep them outside of their cosmos. It is a universal truth worth acknowledging, though, that to be in fashion toward the end of 2015 is to accept the turtleneck as your ally. Your comrade. Your best friend. The other form of gift Steve Jobs left for you. A one way ticket to simultaneous flu-expulsion and the nuances that define 21st century cool.

Diane Keaton is, after all, a notable forebear and champion of the garment. So, really, never mind the red and yellow lamé knit that your aunt wore, which still haunts your memory of the Christmas dance-off ’94. Different place, different time. Here and now, there’s a new variable at play and it’s your hair, which should boast the idealized ratio of flocculent muffin to knit neck.

Confused?

Take a look.

Forward facing your audience, you should look insouciant. Like you were going to wake up but decided against it in spite of the effortless — and that’s the other thing — strands peeking out from your turtleneck like the brain child of a French woman.

You can pull these out from directly over your ear using your index finger and thumb. What should not happen is the following: triangle head (unless, of course, your head is triangular, in which case: you are so cool) or Kristen Wiig Surprise Party Skit Hair (unless you’ve just cut your hair to mimic that bob, in which case, I admire your commitment).

To avoid this, refrain from pulling hair from any other region of your head until you get a glimpse of your profile. From here the muffin should pronounce itself.

The top of your head should punctuate your purpose to such a heightened degree that is impossible for anyone to believe that such a non-caloric marvel for baked goods everywhere could be mere accident, even if your front-facing facade alludes otherwise.

The curve that separates your neck from your head, where the hair looks like it’s curling in, should stand out about an inch. To achieve this, simply tug at the back of your head.

Massage your scalp gently using your finger tips for two or three strokes to loosen the rest of your head up and then take a step outside and tell me you’re not grateful to have human hair keeping your neck warm.

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Which Christmas Movie Character Are You?

First, an admission: I go gaga for Christmas movies. I love everything about them — the majestic depictions of Manhattan during holiday season, the unadulterated focus on love, family and forgiveness, and the suspension of disbelief necessary to accept their fundamentally unrealistic plot lines.

Most of all, I love Christmas movie characters, who, despite their similar “journeys”…

• Disillusionment with current life

• Decision to change life course

• Conflict

• Resolution/forgiveness powered by the magic of the holidays

Are really quite unique.

1. Buddy (ELF)

You’ve never felt comfortable in your own slippers, most likely because they were made for somebody half your size. Nevertheless, you smile through the blisters, the toe chafing and the disfigurement of your pinky. You’re full of Christmas cheer and regularly match with a man named Rudolph on Tinder – which is such a fantastic way to meet people in the BIG CITY! You douse every meal in maple syrup and hard as it may be for your family to admit it, they love your naïve spirit.

2. Prime Minister David (Love Actually)

As charming as you are repressed in matters of love, you’re privy to solo dance parties in your office once all the lights have gone down. If your life weren’t a Christmas movie, there is a zero percent chance you’d still be single. But since it is, we’ll blame the lack of romance on your demanding job and charismatic but elusive nature. It’s why your family is okay with the fact that you never call.

3. Amanda Woods (The Holiday)

WTF, how did Nancy Meyers manage to get a hold of my diary!?, you routinely ask yourself. You fall somewhere in-between numbers four and five on the list of ten archetypal rom-com characters. A live to work mentality has left you little time or energy for love, but your toned physique is the envy of the Seven Kingdoms. You haven’t cried since you were 15 and a slew of failed relationships left you callous and cynical. But even you aren’t immune to the powers of Christmas or the irrefutable charm of a lovely Brit; his only downfall being that he shares a name with a cracker.

4. Clarence Odbody (It’s a Wonderful Life)

You’re surrounded by a level of perfection that seems impossible to measure up to. Your Christmas tree, while…festive, looks like a dollar air freshener next to your sister’s, who had her spruce flown in from Aspen. You’re tired of bearing witness to everyone else’s Christmas miracles: people falling in love, getting that promotion at work, losing those stubborn 5 lbs. Nevertheless, you maintain a positive attitude. Your time will come. And when you do get your angel wings, they won’t be of the Victoria Secret variety.

5. Kevin McCallister (Home Alone)

Whoever said nobody cried over spilled milk has clearly never met your family. The offense got you banished to the third floor (where nothing ever good happens) and cost you a trip to Paris. You use the word “jerk” more times than a Jamaican menu and your only Christmas wish is that your family disappears. Why do you have 25 people living in your house, anyway? Never mind that, you’re more than happy to spend the holidays alone, eating chocolate ice cream and watching black and white gangster films.

6. Willie (Bad Santa)

Your Great Aunt Thelma filed for a restraining order after you got piss drunk on eggnog and urinated on her house plant last Christmas. You’re the X-rated movie that nobody wants their kids watching, the loose cannon at every table and the most likely to puke and rally at your office holiday party. You also pocketed the stuffed stockings from above Grandma’s fireplace; all of yours have holes in them.

7. Audrey Griswold (National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation)

Christmas is just another reminder that you are the only sane member of your family. Visiting cousins (whom you haven’t seen since ’95) means that you’ll be sharing a room with your little brother who, as luck would have it, was just gifted a trunk load of old Penthouse issues from your crazy Uncle Leopold. Odds are you’ll spend the holidays with your hometown best friend, flipping through your high school yearbook, drawing mutton chops and beards on every member of the cheerleading squad.

8. The Grinch (How the Grinch Stole Christmas)

The bright lights, the caroling, the material exchange of love and gratitude…it all makes you sick to your stomach. You’re the first to remind eggnog lovers of salmonella’s damaging effects. The only reason you attend Christmas Eve dinner is for the opportunity to amputate the gingerbread cookies. But despite the fact that you stole all of the presents from beneath the tree, there’s some small part of you that hopes, this year, somebody will meet you underneath the mistletoe.

Feature collage by Emily Zirimis

The post Which Christmas Movie Character Are You? appeared first on Man Repeller.

Those Designer Shoes You Wanted All Year…Under $500

You’ve got…

Two feet. (Or two hooves.) One paycheck. A little bit of cash from grandma. An already-paid rent bill. An ignored-but-it-can-wait-rent bill. A fresh stack of green presidents after selling your just-completed semester’s books.

…And a lingering, aching space for a pair of shoes that never made its way to your closet for at least twelve different reasons.

But we’re still in December. It’s still treat yo damn self with little indulgences month, and you deserve these. Just one pair! They’re all under $500. That is better than the price of a piano!

Besides, these don’t require “an outfit” because they are the outfit:

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These are pretty practical but finally reduced enough to not make you gag at spending cash on commuters:


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These are even more practical because boot season is officially upon us. (And if you scroll far enough to the right, there’s a pair that goes WAY up to there, like, “Hi!”)

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These are for those who can’t hang with the wobble but cry at the sight of a boring shoe:

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And these, my dear, are for those who like a clod-hopper party stopper with enough weight in the heel to kick a door down and say, “Honey, I am home.”

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Because Man Repeller is exactly like the Olive Garden. When you’re here, you’re family.

And probably drunk.

On love!

I’m done. Tell me what you’re buying. Bye.

Collages by Elizabeth Tamkin

The post Those Designer Shoes You Wanted All Year…Under $500 appeared first on Man Repeller.