Leandra Medine's Blog, page 575

MR Round Table: We Spoke to a Specialist About Food Anxiety

Leandra Medine: At Man Repeller, we really try to have the hard conversations that we believe women are thinking but might be too afraid to talk about. That fear is rooted in shame and we’re trying to defeat shame by exhausting communication. I wrote about my fertility issues, we’ve spoken about anxiety attacks and recently, we had a conversation about food. It was about how much time we spend thinking about food and whether or not the relationships we have with food are healthy. That conversation left a lot of question marks unaccommodated. What we saw was an enormous amount of empathy. It made us realize that there’s a sort of epidemic plaguing our society and we probably need to do something about it if we can. Neither myself nor Amelia are specialists, though, so we are very grateful that you were able to speak with us.

Dr. Allegra Broft, a psychiatrist in the Eating Disorders Research Unit at the Columbia University Medical Center:  It’s a huge topic that you’re tackling. I work up at the Columbia Eating Research Group and I have a small private practice as well, so I deal with the most extreme types of problems. That gives me a good vantage point across the topic’s spectrum, though I deal a little less with the subtler struggles. However, I do think many, many women in America are entrapped by some version of overthinking food and overthinking shape and weight issues.

Leandra: What do you think that’s a result of?

Dr. Broft: It’s hard to speak in generalizations. When talking to eating disorder patients, one of the things they’ll often say is, “I hate it when I, as an eating disorder patient, am being put into a box as though I am just an eating disorder.” But we have some models that we use to think of where these disorders come from, and I think that they apply across a wide variety of smaller struggles.

One is the “cognitive-behavioral” model of eating problems. Whatever the problem is — whether it’s a restrictive eating problem (i.e., thinking about dieting all the time) or if it’s a binge-eating problem — much of that fixation with food, for many, has at some point involved some sort of shape and weight pre-occupation.

And where does that come from? Well that’s the “black box,” for most folks. These are the underlying issues that initiated or perpetuate weight or food preoccupation, which are not necessarily the same from person to person, and are sometimes hard to easily identify.

What are some themes of that “black box”? Things like a self-esteem issue, an identity problem: “Who am I in the world?” Someone could be biologically depressed and feel that focusing on shape and weight helps them escape. These are all put forward in a cognitive behavioral model for formal eating disorders, and I think can apply across the spectrum as well.

Leandra: There’s this very unique gray area of women who don’t necessarily identify themselves as having an eating disorder, but do identify themselves as having unusual eating habits. Are we actually disordered?

Dr. Broft: Even as a professional, I’m not sure if I can always make te call. How do we think of a disorder, whether it’s an eating problem or an anxiety problem? It’s where there’s a psychological experience that ends up taking over the way that you would otherwise function. Your social life becomes impaired; in the case of food it’s, “I don’t want to go out because I feel uncomfortable in my clothes,” or, “I can’t work in the way I’d like to because I’m ruminating about food all the time.” That’s usually where we draw the line, diagnostically.

And of course that becomes a gray zone, because some of us may worry about it a little bit. Maybe it interferes with our work for five or ten minutes, but is that enough to be considered full dysfunction? I’m not going to pretend to say I always know exactly where the line is with that.

Amelia Diamond: I’m sure that this exists in a multitude of industries, but you see it all the time in fashion and hear about it in dance: talking about our bodies in a messed up way is total day-to-day banter. “I’m too fat for skinny jeans,” is code for, “Where should we have dinner?”

Leandra: Dr. Broft, just before you arrived — I’m taking estrogen supplements right now so I’m extremely bloated — I lifted my shirt to show Amelia that I don’t fit into my pants.

Amelia: She did. And the biggest compliment in fashion is, “You look so thin.” When I leave New York City and do the, “Ugh, I’m so fat today” monologue, they’re like, “Why are you talking about this?” And I’m just like, “This is normal conversation in my world.”

Dr. Broft:  That’s a really good point. I think a lot of women are going there by default. It’s almost engrained. You’re doing such a wonderful thing by speaking about it now and asking, “Do we really have to go there?”

When I talk to patients across the spectrum, I ask, “What is the utility of labeling yourself in this way?” Or, “Your pants don’t fit today, is that really so bad?” The implication is that there is something terrible about it. So, it’s not the statement per se, but it’s where you go with it in your mind and what you think it means about yourself.

Amelia: Sort of like a habit?

Dr. Broft: It’s really interesting that you use that word. I do think of it that way. I get jazzed about the word “habit” because in our clinical research team, we’re thinking about habit in regards to neuroscience. We’re thinking about to what extent are these full-blown eating disorders mediated by the neural-circuitry that deeply engrains habits in our brains.

One of the things that cognitive therapy teaches us is the notion of automatic thought. That’s basically the idea that we all learn certain scripts or ways of thinking at a very young age. The example that we often talk about in cognitive therapy is when we first learn to tie our shoes. We don’t know how to do it in the beginning. We do it very slowly at first and have to give so much thought to that action. Once we master it, of course, we never think about tying our shoes again. It becomes an automatic script in our mind.

We have a way of doing this in other parts of our life, like in the way we think about ourselves and our bodies and food. At some point there was probably a slow process where we were learning to think certain foods are good and certain foods are bad. And now that’s all become so engrained that we don’t even think twice about it.

From a cognitive therapy perspective, we have this subset of automatic thoughts and cognitive distortions that we kick into gear and automatically think: my pants not fitting is a sign that life is terrible, or I am a slob. So yes, I think “habit” is a good word.

Amelia: Part of what we discussed in our food conversation is how to actually talk about these things, and what’s okay to say. I read a book once where the author, who had an eating disorder, explained how hard it is for people to write about this topic because it’s so easy to trigger readers who have eating disorders. She wrote that girls in school can learn how to practice disordered eating by reading about it in school text books. So how do you teach it? How do you write about it? How do you talk about it?

Dr. Broft: It’s true. And I don’t know what to say about that issue. It’s like doing this interview: how do we walk the line? Hopefully, we get some messages across that are really helpful about how we approach our bodies and ourselves in a healthy way.

In the field, in general, we do shy away from suggesting reading to patients for exactly the reasons you’re talking about. I don’t have the answer as far as exactly how that line is established because there is lot of danger.

Amelia: Do you think there’s danger in speaking about it in the way that we did publicly, talking about our anxieties and thoughts?

Leandra: And trying to figure out whether or not there is such thing as a healthy relationship with food.

Dr. Broft: I think that…as with any opening up of this discussion, there’s always the potential of other people expressing their own anxieties, and their own ideas may feed people in a not-so helpful way. Or maybe it helps other people realize a problem that they didn’t acknowledge before.

Amelia: What surprised us was that a lot of these comments said, “Me too.”

Leandra: Which is why I’m really curious about whether or not there is such thing as a healthy relationship with food. Are there women who don’t spend any time thinking about it? Who are like, “It must be so exhausting to live in your head.” I’m not sure.

Do you find that a lot of people in your field become specialists because they’ve experienced the plight themselves?

Dr. Broft: Actually, one of the larger eating disorder recovery centers in the country, Monte Nido, is run by somebody who is very open about the fact that she struggled.

Some patients say there’s nothing like talking to somebody who previously struggled with this as well in terms of really connecting and empathizing. On the other hand, that can become complicated. If the therapist has really worked through her issues and can manage the complicated element of having struggled to be objective with others and bring a recovered attitude towards treatment, that’s one thing. But it can be complicated and triggering for women or people who have struggled.

Amelia: You’ve referred to women a lot. I know men can have eating disorders, but it is primarily female problem, right?

Dr. Broft: Statistically, of all those who struggle with anorexia or bulimia, the breakdown is 90% women, 10% men.

Leandra: If we could help positively affect the construction of the psyche of a girl who is just entering the phase of her life where she is becoming influenced by the thought of food and what her body looks like, what do you think is the type of advice that we should be giving her?

Dr. Broft: It’s something like: if you start turning to a diet to control your shape and weight as a solution to feeling good in the world, stop yourself from going there.

Leandra: Meaning…don’t react to a symptom and assume that this symptom is the problem?

Dr: Broft: Yes, something like that. It’s such a good question. It’s obviously to the core. A New York Times article was recently published addressing “design thinking.” The author wanted to lose weight to the point that it preoccupied her thoughts. The idea of this “design” perspective is to try to first find empathy toward a problem or within yourself, and then to take the perspective of, “If I want this, what is it that I’m really trying to solve?” She was fixated on her weight, but design thinking made her ask: What do I really need? Why do I really want to lose 25 pounds? She wanted more social connection, she wanted a sense of community and to have more energy. She was then able to tackle those issues directly.

I think that speaks to some element of what a lot of women are looking for: they want to look better, they want to feel more socially or romantically confident. So he started peeling it back and thought, “If that’s what I’m looking for, do I really want to put all the focus on weight? I want to think about how I can amp up my social connections. Do I need to get myself out there more?”

Leandra: That’s very self-aware.

Dr. Broft: I think that’s the idea: What is the real problem here? If you’re focused on weight, that can’t be “it.”

Amelia: I don’t have anywhere near the body of like, Kayla Itsines — a fitness celebrity on Instagram — but I’m not going to lie: I’d like to. What if you’re like me, i.e., not overweight, feeling fine most of the time, but want to lose some weight. When does that become a problem?

Dr. Broft: Well, why are any of us trying to look like anyone besides ourselves? You have to ask yourself, “Am I happy about the way I am?” If the answer is yes, then screw it. Of course, talking to a neutral source is one way of reality-testing yourself along those lines.

Amelia: In other words, if you’re concerned, consult a professional.

Dr. Broft: Yes, that’s always a message that I believe in delivering.

Leandra: I think the other thing, though, in asking if you like how you look, is trying to strip away how much you value yourself and if it’s contingent on you comparing yourself to other people. Are you historically comparative? That’s something that happens to me with my anxiety. When I’m not comparing myself to, for example, another female entrepreneur who’s done X, Y, and Z better than I have, I feel much better about what I’ve built. But when I am, I feel like I’m not doing anything constructive. When I’m comparing my current self to my former self — looking at Man Repeller as a business I’ve built myself independent of anything else — I feel very proud.

Dr. Broft: Which model works better?

Leandra: Obviously the one where I feel proud, as long as it doesn’t affect my humility!

Dr. Broft: I think it’s a really good example. That’s really what you want to think about. What is the purpose of comparison? It just doesn’t serve most of us well.

Leandra: Yeah, it’s like malignant motivation.

Dr. Broft: A lot of us are used to needing that — looking toward those external sources that whip us into shape to move forward, so I think that’s a brain tendency that a lot of us have and yet, what does it do? It leaves us feeling shameful or guilty or inferior. So it doesn’t work very well, even though some of us have learned to drive a lot of motivation from it.

Leandra: It’s so baked into our culture, right? To compare ourselves to others in order to become better as ourselves. But all that stuff is within us, we just have to work to break down the negative tendencies and with healthy self-awareness, keep trying to cultivate these new ones.

To learn more about eating disorders and healthy eating practices, Dr. Broft recommends “The Rules of ‘Normal’ Eating” by Karen R. Koenig, “Intuitive Eating” by Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch, “Overcoming Binge Eating” by Christopher G. Fairburn. For more information, visit the Columbia Center for Eating Disorders, as well as a blog on eating disorders maintained by Dr. Broft’s team.

Photographed by Krista Anna Lewis

 

The post MR Round Table: We Spoke to a Specialist About Food Anxiety appeared first on Man Repeller.

MR Writers Club Prompt: Recap 2016 Like It’s December All Over Again

I know you’re not a fortune teller and that your crystal ball is probably just a fancy stone embedded in a ring that your grandmother gave to your mom (from whom you dutifully stole the gem), but I also know that you have an imagination as vast as the world wide web, and if anyone can flash their fiction chops to the tune of a Man Repeller post, it’s not me. It’s you. SO, this week, the Man Repeller Writers Club Prompt asks that you pretend it’s December 2016 and you’re just about gearing up to pen your year in review.

It can look like the ode to 2015 that Amelia wrote last month in the format of a feedback loop that gives and gives and gives until it’s closed and refuses to re-open.

It can look like the superlative lists I am more accustomed to compiling (I still miss 2012).

If you want to get more granular, that’s encouraged, too! Why not create a list of the 16 hypothetical words you never want to see again following this year?

Produce an audio file, should you feel so compelled.

But most importantly…

Have fun with it. The year has yet to begin, so the opportunities know exactly zero bounds. Go HAM. Make the most scandalous story of the year about Amelia’s having murdered me. Chase that superlative with the most riveting new podcast of the year, “Murder She Typed,” the story of what really happened between Leandra and Amelia. As a matter of fact, debunk that superlative and call telegrams the new podcasts for 2016. This can go on forever, baby, but unfortunately, life is about deadlines, so: make sure to submit your story to write@manrepeller.com by Thursday, January 14th at 12 p.m., EST.

I will be waiting in front of my computer screen like a bargainer on Black Friday.

Photographed by Ellen von UnWerth for Vogue Italia 1992. Carousel Photographs by Viva Magazine 1973 via The 70’s Fashion Found Archive and Mikael Jansson for Vogue Paris 2011. Collaged by Emily Zirimis.

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Drop Your Balls: 2016 Horoscopes Are Here

HELLO AND WELCOME TO THE SLOWEST MONTH EVER. Mercury is at the Retrograde Spa yet again, and while that’s definitely annoying, you don’t need to panic. Susan Miller, queen of the stars, has made you an entire guide on Astrology Zone. She writes that the retrograde will basically effect everyone the same, so I’m only going to say this once and then mostly ignore the retrograde in all of your ‘scopes below: don’t bother trying to make plans. Don’t get plastic surgery. Don’t buy anything. Don’t be surprised when your computer crashes or phone breaks, so back up everything now, then back up the back up. Don’t sign contracts. Don’t buy a house. Don’t make me quote the gym teacher from Mean Girls.

Most of all, don’t freak. Dot your i’s, cross your t’s, remember that anything involving “re” is a good thing (“reassess, rethink, revisit, readdress, redo, or re-contact someone,” per the Miller Thriller), and hang on. We’ll be out of this before you know it.

Capricorn 

Happy birthday, you fancy goat! I would first like to congratulate you on having the best celebrities as sign-twins. Such Capricorn luminaries include Diane Keaton, Michelle Obama, Kate Moss and Denzel Washington, though make no mistake: that list goes on.

I, meanwhile, share a birthday with Bob Saget.

So work’s been stressful, huh? The universe is going to give you a break courtesy of Mars moving into your eleventh house of friendship, events, people and love, which sounds to me like the best roommate ever. You’re likely to get a check in the mail — a delayed holiday card from grandma, perhaps. And speaking of grandma, your romantic world is about to light on fire so tell her to bugger off like you’re a character in Love Actually and get stoked for January 23rd. You’ll be as charismatic as Hugh Grant himself. He’s a Virgo. It’s a match!

Aquarius

The retrograde’s gonna slow things down, but slow what? The change in pace will be good for you; there’s a big chance that you’re still exhausted from the Great Nap of 2015, AKA your holiday break, and a little time to ruminate never hurt nobody — especially when taking a knee could result in a grand idea of some sort. Did the lightbulb just go on? If not you may need to wait until the 9th. You’ll be especially intuitive at the new moon.

Another new moon to enjoy without its pants on is the sweet cheek of January 23rd, where you’ll assess and make moves in regards to the closet relationship in your life, according to Miller. (Technically this moon’s assessment could go in another direction — the bad one — but pulling your pants down in public always has the capability to do so, does it not?) The good Suz: you’ve got Venus in Sag until the 23rd, making you a hot piece of sass to all who pass by. You bet your bottom dollar.

Pisces

If you feel like you let the holiday fly by you faster than a drunk frog on a swing set, that’s because you did. But it was in the name of your career, and you’ve set yourself up for a seriously successful 2016. Now you can have fun. Clean up your act in February. That month sucks anyway, and your human movie theater will no longer be featuring December’s Sinus Infection That Still Won’t Die — in IMAX!, so you can work out or whatever. Until then, blow your nose and party.

In fact, all the socializing you’re guaranteed to do thanks to your planetary planners at AstrologyZone is only going to further help your professional success. Some people take improv classes to do so, you take the class of life.

Aries 

You’re going to feel all Carrie Bradshaw in her “maybe we weren’t meant to be tamed moment,” but cool your damn jets because you’ll get all antsy and say something dumb to your boss. Deep breaths. Now’s a good time to start meditating, but if you hate closing your eyes for something that isn’t sleep or a huge bite of sandwich, just know that things will smooth out once the effect of January 9th’s full moon wears off.

Also temporary: feeling like your wallet is a tumbleweed holder and your bank account is more empty than the Thanksgiving gravy boat after Uncle Borris has had a go.

I know I said this was a no-Mercury zone, but one piece of tuna won’t kill us: “The upside of Mercury retrograde in your house of career,” writes Susan Miller, “is that you may finally get the green light to proceed on a project dear to your heart that had previously been put on hold.” Guess what else? On January 23rd, you’re a prime candidate to fall in love.

Taurus

My fellow moon cows, after a stressful 2015, this is our month to relax. (Challah!) And it’s our time to get happy thanks to Jupiter flinging around golden beams all willy nilly. Know what else the old Jupe Box is playing? Every lovey dovey song you’ve ever heard.

“Jupiter’s current focus, until September,” writes my girl Siouxsie Sioux, “will be to work on helping you find true love if you are single, or ways to enjoy the love that you have already built with someone special, say, if you are married.”

Then, in a wildly uplifting continuation of good themes this month, we’re getting three days “all strung together like pearls”:  On January 12th, Venus will receive “an exciting, silvery beam from Uranus.” It’s not a thong, but it does mean money for us! The next day, on the 13th, we could find love while traveling (but remember, don’t lose that passport — the retrograde will be upon us!!) and are likely to kill it at work. The 14th turns out to be a dud so everything we were going to do that day, we should do the day before, but whatever: that just means good planning. New year, new us, right?

Gemini 

Gemin-hayyy! Now, I’m still gonna do a summary for you, but I highly suggest you take the time to read your actual ‘scope on AstrologyZone because there is this riveting anecdote about a woman who once tried to steal Susan’s identity. No time for that here, I’m afraid.

That’s because you’re going to be too busy chilling. Like so many signs this month, January will feel slow. Embrace it. Use the calm period to get annoying life-stuff done, like all that unpacking you need to do from your ski trip. That shit is starting to smell.

Suz seems to think you’re due for surgery. If you are, try to schedule it for February, post-retrograde. Otherwise, you’re in for a good Jan: money is going to flow like the rhymes of those baby rappers on Lifetime’s The Rap Game. This is great news considering you’re all about that nesting mode at home, and how timely: if you’re in a relationship, you two may be taking it to the next level of commitment. Tempurpedic mattresses, it is!

Cancer 

Here’s hoping you have a bigger apartment than I do: “With four heavenly bodies filling your seventh house of partnership, commitment, and marriage,” writes Susan Miller, “You appear to be ready to align yourself with another person, to be able to do bigger and better things in life.”

You will have to be confident, however, as it seems like the partner in question (whether a romantic one or a professional one) will try to bulldoze your opinions. Stand tall! You’re you. You got this.

Meanwhile, if you’re single, Susan the Magic 8 Ball herself says your outlook for love this month is “excellent” thanks to Mars singing sonnets up to your sign’s Juliet balcony. Finally, even though it’s January, that doesn’t mean you should stop treating yourself. The 12th is an excellent day to take a little day trip to a spa somewhere. You’ll be able to afford the kind with the good bathrobes and fancy water — on the 13th, it’s gonna rain green. As in money, not detoxifying juice.

Leo

In the jungle, the mighty jungle, this lion does not sleep tonight. While every other sign is being encouraged to chill, yours is being told to hit the gym. Everyone says this is the time they’re going to become a healthier version of themselves; your sign is astrologically lined-up to succeed. Get it, girl. Your glutes look great already.

On January 8 — that’s today! — you’ll become very clear on your current dating situation. So mine would be: definitely single. Yours might be: I do like her! Another’s might be: nope, gotta end it. But either way, what a relief to knock that guessing game off.

If you do end something, Venus is getting that sparkly goodness from Uranus on the 12th which is setting you up for a new somethin-somethin. That’s a Tuesday. Going up?

Virgo

According to your astrological accountant, Susan Miller, it sounds like money has been a little tight and may continue to be so in January. You can blame Uranus and Pluto (typical) who have beef and are fucking shit up. By July, they’ll chill out, and your bank statements will recover. (And until then, you might be surprised by a loan on the 12th.)

That doesn’t mean you can’t still have the best month ever, because you’re gonna. Oh yes. “The universe has prepared January as your time to let your hair down and have fun,” writes our girl.

On the 13th, Suz quotes Star Wars and says that when it comes to love, “the force will be with you.” So circulate. Put you hair into cinnamon buns over your ears — it’s a great cold-weather solution for frozen ears, and it turns people on, and it’s the only Star Wars reference I have besides Yoda, R2D2 and this cat.

Libra 

Gear up your Pinterest board, throw a log on the fire or at a mason jar and crack open a cold one of Marie Kondo: you’re gonna be all about your home this month. Begin with the organizing and rearranging of what you already own; buying furniture will be more of a nightmare than it already is thanks to the suckrograde, and nobody wants to have to use that weird Ikea version of Gchat where you spend the whole time wondering why the online customer service rep, Nancy, doesn’t get a cool name like Floogbort.

Call your siblings on the 12th — they might need you. No siblings? Call your weird hidden tooth. Who knows what it was trying to be. Protein is crazy.

But, maybe avoid telling anyone about said tooth on the 23rd — a great day for a fabulous party where you’re sure to expand your own circle. Your love life will kick into high gear in February. Right now, circulate in the social scene. Not that you needed a reason to wear polka dots in January, but a little occasion never hurt.

Scorpio

You know how inspirational posters are always like, “YOU control your destiny,” and you’re like, “The only destiny I feel like I can control is the Beyoncé-led girl group when organizing my Spotify playlists into ‘best-of’ categories.” But Susan Miller is like, No, really. Now that Mars is in your sign, you’re finally calling the shots. Take advantage of this power. It only happens once every two years.

However, be cautious. Even though Susan Miller likens you to a stallion (which is a horse who still has his balls, if you were curious), “anxious to bolt out of the gate and show the world what you can do,” you need to take a knee on action until February. For now, just ruminate. Think. Plan to make plans.

By January 23rd, you’re going to experience a raise or a title change or some sort of life upgrade. You’ll be getting romantic attention, too. Not only do the 16th and 17th look good, but during the last three days of the month, Venus will be “in sync” with Neptune. Cue the baby-making music.

Sagittarius

This will only make sense if you just read the above horoscope about equine balls, but: speaking of stallions! Here’s to you, half-horse human. Hope your birthday month back in old December was grand. You know what’s still grand? Your career, which is flourishing like a drunk author’s wrist whose hand is holding a Cher Horowitzian quill pen.

The new moon on the 9th kind of sucks for you, so let’s ignore it. Besides, things will work out. Susan guarantees it like she’s George Zimmer selling a suit.

Funny I should mention suits: you’ve got Venus on your side until the 23rd practically begging you to go shopping. No need to yank your chain twice, am I right? Unless you’re one of those old Victorian toilets. But you are not! You’re a mover and a shaker who’s destined to travel and fall in love (Jan 12!) and do great things. Don’t let the slowness of the retrograde make you feel down. Come February, you’ll be a jack rabbit on roller skates at the disco of life. Yee-haw!

Illustration by Cynthia Merhej

The post Drop Your Balls: 2016 Horoscopes Are Here appeared first on Man Repeller.

I Tried the Newest Dating App: Uber Pool

It appears that the newest trend in meeting mates or at the very least getting dates is to just press a shit ton of buttons on your phone, because these days everything can be used as a dating app. Instagram is old news — Airbnb is the new way to hook up. Need an air conditioner installed? Call a Task Rabbit — you’ll get a boyfriend. Or my personal favorite: Credit Karma. Download it, get pissed at your score, chuck your cell at someone’s shin then apologize until it becomes The One’s shin. Now there’s a millennial meet cute!

But that new-new love — that 21st century romance — is all about Uber Pool.

A few friends gave me the idea back in September. They were complaining about how annoying it is that “a girl can’t take a shared ride without getting hit on.”

“Totally,” I said while re-downloading the app after I’d deleted it for making me poor.

“I just want to drink my coffee in peace,” one girl quipped. “Not be fed some guy’s cheesy lines.”

“Like, I’m trying to go to work,” another lamented. “This isn’t a bar.”

“So gross.” (I said that.) “Who even likes bars?”

Me. I like bars.

That Monday, I had never been more excited for a commute.

I’d decided that trying Uber Pool in the name of the dating game would kill a few birds with one phone. Besides the obvious reason, it would help me save money. (So would taking the subway but life isn’t a Rihanna song; love does not exist in hopeless places.) It was also guaranteed to be a great story.

Or so I thought, because alas…

Here we are. Dateless in San Francisco and Manhattan. Nope’d on two coasts like a Mindy Kaling-meets-Meg Ryan character. After testing Uber Pool out in both cities over the course of at least 8 weeks, my only explanation is that the app must be in beta. It’s still working out the bugs: I am straight, yet every car I called matched me with women. Those that didn’t, alternatively, paired me with no one — ironic considering that in the world of carpooling and mass transit, a cheap ride void of any other passengers is what most commuters call “getting lucky.”

What I will say is that Uber Pool is excellent practice for anyone who is new or rusty at dating. For example:

If no one speaks, no one meets.

Prepare for your parents to be concerned for your safety.

You cannot run late.

If you do, they might leave.

Smelling nice guarantees a higher success rate, in general.

Barfing guarantees a lower one.

In general.

There’s a million of them.

But when you really want one, they will be unavailable.

Being located in an inconvenient location (as deemed by you or the other party) is, unfortunately, considered a character flaw.

Having things in common helps lessen the awkward tension.

A comfortable silence, however, is the sign of something good.

Don’t just do it for the story.

Or do, but don’t expect a relationship.

And don’t forget: you can always walk.

Collages by Emily Zirimis

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Uh Oh: I Think I Buy Clothes Because I Like How They Look on Instagram

You’re walking in Soho and happen into a Prince street boutique where you are prompted to respond to a pair of sky blue Mary Janes with four skinny orange straps across the front. You love them. Or, think you love them. You absolutely need to have them. They will go so perfectly with your Instagram account.

Wait a second.

What?

You stop short in your thinking. Will you ever actually wear them beyond the social media account?

When I started getting invited to attend fashion shows, this weird thing would happen two weeks before the bi-annual event wherein I’d render everything in my closet unfit to wear and quickly attempt to scramble together a brand new wardrobe for the festival of clothes. I’ve come out on multiple occasions about this embarrassing condition to otherwise members of the industry who have empathized with my plight, often citing specific garments or accessories on their persons as “fashion week impulse buys.” Subconsciously, I think, we all knew that with the escalating popularity of photographers outside shows, the likelihood of our being confronted with our vanity after the fact was higher than it had ever been. By creating new wardrobes, we accommodated the vanity. Even stroked it.

But all that is changing because it’s not cool to dress for photographers anymore. Quite the contrary — it indicates, in some way, that you’re unseasoned. Like you haven’t perfected the out-of-car-into-venue-no-pictures-please traipse inferred by a veteran of the ceremonious event. Frankly speaking, the photographers are just trying to do their jobs. They probably, nay, definitely don’t even care what we’re wearing.

But none of that matters.

A recent condition being unilaterally identified as Blinded by Social Media is far more detrimental to a woman’s personal style than the race to get it together for Fashion Week has ever been because social media has allowed all of us to be our own street style photographers.

We’ve touched upon a topic similar with the notion of blinded by the label — fooling yourself into thinking you like a piece by mere virtue of the fact that it was crafted by X designer. Take the tag out of the garment and do you even care about the thing in question? Take Instagram out of the equation, and similarly ask yourself if you still care.

I have found myself and a fair number of the items in my closet as victims to social media blindness on multiple occasions.

But the first step toward recovery is recognition of the psychological ailment, so I feel good about that. The thing I’m stuck on is where you draw the line. It’s okay to want social media things — they’re fun! Often bright and really poppy and they make us feel good, if only temporarily. (Sometimes rented happiness works.) But when the entirety of your wardrobe is dictated by a crop of shit you regret having purchased the minute the picture’s been published, don’t you lose your sense of personal style?

When you look back on old photos and stylistically regret what you see, you know you’ve evolved past a certain cue. I’ve personally had it with culottes — but it took me nearly two years to say that. When you’re feeling that remorse just two, three weeks — or worse, days — following the picture and you already want to cringe, that’s not evolution. That’s poor judgement. So where do we draw the line?

Daria Werbowy Photographed by Juergen Teller for Céline Fall/Winter 2014 via We Are So Droee. Collage by Emily Zirimis

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Why Did Equinox’s Breastfeeding Ad Cause Controversy?

Stick your finger in an electrical socket in the year 2016 and I doubt you’d even feel a tickle. We’ve lost the ability to feel shock and for this, I blame how hard we’re trying to shock each other. Never mind the reality that profanities are a part of our daily vernacular. Blood and guts are nothing to fans of gore, and if you’ve seen one nipple, you’ve seen them all. The only thing that shocks me these days is when people get shocked.

But somehow, yesterday, the above Equinox ad sparked controversy because, I don’t know if you noticed, there are two babies being breastfed in the arms of media heiress Lydia Hearst at a dinner table in a fancy restaurant.

The campaign’s accompanying hashtag is #committosomething, which, if you think about it, is a pretty powerful and positive message. Commit to confidence, it espouses. To public oneness and to discarding shame. Yet if you scan the comments on Equinox’s Facebook page, you’ll see a cocktail of disgust, discomfort and praise. There’s some confusion, too — Lydia Heart is childless, so whose kids are these?

One commenter pointed out that she isn’t breastfeeding at all, she’s just “shoving her breasts in two babies’ mouths.”

“Use a real mother,” said commenter recommended.

Other viewers were grossed out by the public, glamorized act of breastfeeding. The underlying sentiment? “No one needs to see that.”

And then there were those who were mad. This has nothing to do with working out.

So where to start — from the bottom up?

Equinox’s tagline is, “It isn’t fitness. It’s life.” Breastfeeding isn’t “fitness” either, but consider the exhausting toll pregnancy takes on a woman’s body. Think of the number of calories that breastfeeding burns. And then remember that breastfeeding quite literally gives life.

But for argument’s sake, say none of that were true — what if this ad actually made zero sense?

Skittles ads make no sense.

Remember this Starburst one?

That is pointless, but it didn’t invite a public media quarrel.

So, is this ad is causing controversy because breastfeeding in public riles people up? Because there’s a never-ending war on another’s entitlement to command what a women can and can’t do with her body? If you don’t agree, maybe it’s because she’s not a real mother. That seems like valid reason to be annoyed. Or maybe it’s because they didn’t just “normalize” what’s normal, they glamorized it. According to the women in my life who have children, breastfeeding is beautiful, yes. But it isn’t glamorous. Does it once again boil down to the reality that as consumers of media, we are being conditioned to react without thinking? Maybe the scrubbing clean of discomfort on college campuses is affecting distant graduates with just as much force.

Image sourced from Yahoo

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Should Your Partner Have a Say if You Want Botox?

Botox was once the vice, or luxury, of the One Percent. But in recent years, this appearance-enhancing injectable has permeated society — becoming cheaper and more accessible than ever. (Thank you, Groupon.) A New York Times article even reported that 1 in 20 U.S. women has had cosmetic surgery, and Botox procedures were up 748% in 2014 since the year 2000.

As the stigma fades, a new dilemma is rising: do our significant others have the right to determine whether we can or can’t get cosmetic procedures? Feminism dictates that our bodies are ours alone. But what if, in the campaign for female independence, this is one needle point that could damage our relationships?

A growing number of my friends have gotten Botox, so I asked: did they consult their partners? The answer was a resounding no. Not only did they want everyone to think they were naturally plumped and sans lines (no one else’s business but theirs), but they also rebuked their lover’s participation in anything regarding personal appearance: clothes, hair, cosmetics, etc.

So I asked my live-in boyfriend, Jose, about Botox. His reaction — something between horrified and dismayed — caught me off guard. “I don’t think you should do it,” he said. “I won’t tell you no, but I would find it unattractive.”

I was stunned. Because to me, Botox is like Starbucks: you never really want to get your coffee from there, but that shit is convenient as hell. Just because I don’t want Botox now doesn’t mean I won’t be glad it’s there 10, 20 years down the road.

In turning the conversation over, I considered my boyfriend’s right to voice an opinion. Botox isn’t the same as, say, fake eyelashes or a spray tan. This stuff has major implications. It’s expensive and (possibly) dangerous. If I splurge on injectables, it may affect our paying bills on time. Then there’s the whole issue of attraction. There’s a chicken-or-egg thing when it comes to confidence, especially in the wake of Botox: even if it does make me feel good, will that last if he hates it? Is not Botox, after all, a sort of race against nature’s clock?

Questions flooded out: am I on autopilot to not let a man influence my looks? This person is my partner — we make plenty of other decisions together. Does he deserve to participate? Would I expect him to tell me if the situation were reversed? If this were a same-sex relationship, would I hesitate before asking my partner?

And then there’s the argument that we, as women, should make these decisions on our own. That once we open the floodgates, it might be difficult to draw the line between where our partners’ opinions are warranted and just plain regressive.

So I spoke to Matt Lundquist, the owner and director of Tribeca Therapy, a center for psychotherapy.

“A terrible situation has been created in which women are expected to look young and in shape well into their 40s and 50s, but they don’t want their male partners to know how much work goes into looking that way,” Lundquist explains. “They don’t even want them to participate in the decision. Cosmetic procedures should be a joint decision. It isn’t anti-feminist. You wouldn’t make a big decision, like buying a new car, without asking them, so why should this be any different?”

But what if it’s just your car?

Lundquist urged me to look at same-sex relationships. Do these couples feel the same vehement hesitation before letting someone influence their appearance?

Wherever you fall on the spectrum — graceful aging, minor Botox, full-on face lifts —is okay. That’s your decision. But here’s the question, and I’d love to know what you think: if you’re in a committed relationship, should the decision around Botox — or any form of plastic surgery — be strictly yours? Or should your partner have the right to participate? If our hesitation stems from leftover feelings of female marginalization, then is it time to embrace the fact that it’s 2016, and today we treat our partners as partners? Is it time to buck gender norms and just be good significant others?

Photographed by Krista Anna Lewis; Tod’s cuff, Eddie Borgo ring.

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All the Coats You Put off Buying Are on Sale Now

Thanks to the generous gift of 60-degree temperatures that El Niño/global warming/good karma bequeathed us last December, there was no need to invest in a new coat. Why spend $2,000 on a fancy shearling you can’t wear when there are sparkly tights and party suits to partake in? But, in a rather cruel conjunction with the first week back to work after the holidays, that brief window of premature spring is over and it’s cold as balls in New York City right now. Don’t blame me if that saying does not even make sense — the language center of my brain froze on the way to work this morning, and has not yet completely thawed.

On the upside, all that delaying of the inevitable has beautifully aligned with sale season, and suddenly every bit of outerwear you passed on four weeks ago is deeply marked down. Consider this your road map to finding the best option for a wondrous winter experience.

First up, colorful fur.

Do you like rainbows? Fluffy things? Then you should probably watch some old Popple episodes on YouTube. When you’re done with that, though, this fruit bowl of options will give you the warm fuzzies on bone-chilling days (literally, ahaha):

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Or you could just walk around in a giant blanket.

Maybe not that same one you slept under — unless, of course, the only commute on your schedule is from your bed-nest to the fridge, you lucky dog, you. Otherwise, a few upgrades worth trying:

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Have fun with fleece.

When there’s cool alliteration involved, you just know it’s going to be good. Best of all these are so thick and cuddly you don’t really need many extra layers underneath for results (although if you want to pile them on, by all means…):

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Embrace the wrap.

Or, better put, just let the wrap embrace you. Without any zippers or buttons or horn toggles to fumble around with, it will become your best bud on the sort of incoherent early mornings you put your underwear on backwards and don’t realize it until your third bathroom trip of the day.

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You’re welcome.

Now that you’ve got that covered, let’s work on your turtleneck hair game. We’ve got a tutorial to help.

Collages by Emily Zirimis

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It’s Kind of a Funny Story: Samantha and Matthew Orley

This “episode” of It’s Kind of a Funny Story is a little different. Meet Matthew and Samantha Orley, a married couple who founded their eponymous label with Matthew’s brother, Alex Orley. Because the three have been a trio for so long in life and business, it only seemed fitting that the “how we met” story would be told not just by our usual two participants, but all three members of team Orley.

Leandra Medine: So how did you guys meet?

Matthew Orley: Well, Alex and I were born in the same household. We share parents and two older siblings.

Samantha Orley: And all three of us met as summer camp.

Alex Orley: I was friends with Sam before I was friends with Matt. And that’s true still.

S: So we all met at this camp that we’ve been going to since we were each 7 years old. Their grandparents actually met at the same camp. Half the kids are from Detroit and half are from Toronto where I am from. So I’ve known Matt since he was 7 and Alex probably before that.

L: Were you friends at camp?

S: Well I was older so…

M: As friendly as you are with anyone that just so happens to be there when you are as a kid.

S: We were friends.

L: And you’re the same age?

S: No, I’m a year older.

L: Ok! You’re a puma!

L: So when did you guys start dating? When we were 18 and 19.

S: We were going to be counselors.

L: And what was that initial conversation like?

M: Dating? There was a lot of prodding by various relatives on both sides of our families.

L: So your families knew each other?

S: Oh yeah, very well before we were even born.

M: Our aunts and uncles are friends with each other – there were various friendships there. Our grandparents knew each other.

S: We both have very big families that are characters in themselves. Our families would even be on vacation at the same place and spending time with each other.

M: There’s a lot of overlap.

S: That predates us.

M: With Sam and I, there was definitely encouragement on both sides of our families.

L: So you started dating at camp when you were 18? Did you go over to her and say like, “Hey, I’d like to give you a kiss?” because you can’t really date in camp. Or ask her out – where are you going to take her, the canteen?

M: We did go to the canteen.

A: You guys probably didn’t start dating until after camp.

S: No but we hooked up at camp.

L: This is actually pretty impressive because when you start dating someone at camp, it’s usually under the guise that summer will end. Like, “I’m going to lower my standards for the summer because I’m only around you hoodlums.”

S: But I think there’s a comfort when you’re at camp. And then I guess it just continued. It was before Matt’s freshman year of college.

M: We were visiting each other and going back and forth.

L: You were in Canada and you were in Detroit?

M: I started college in Ann Arbor and Sam was at college in London.

S: It’s only a two-hour drive.

L: So not London the city…

M: Ha, no, London in Canada. It’s a very close drive and we saw each other very often. There were about two years of us going back and forth on weekends and I think that there was this weird state of limbo where we really liked each other but we were in different places and there was a lot going on for both of us individually. And then we decided to go abroad together. Sam was going to Paris for her senior year, and I don’t know if that’s more traditional to go abroad in your senior year…

S: Not that many people go abroad. And at my school it was harder to go a semester abroad than it was a year. I knew before we even started dating that I was going to go for a year.

M: I was going to do a junior year semester, which is somewhat typical, and I decided to go to Paris and Sam was already there.

L: So you guys consummated your romance in Paris.

S: That was the first time we lived in the same place. Alex came to visit us, we had like a little apartment, and he slept on the futon.

L: So you guys lived together when you were there.

M: At first when I got there Sam was living with a host family. As soon as I got there she started staying over with me and the family got very upset and said like, “You have to either have all your meals with us or you have to move out. We signed up for you to be with us and keep us company.” They were an old couple that signed up for the program for the company.

S: They would call me asking me where I was. I was like, twenty-one and my mom hadn’t been doing that since I was thirteen.

M: So Sam was like, “Well, I’m moving out.” She moved into my like NYU apartment that they had given me. I think most of the kids lived together but I’d requested a place on my own and I got this amazing place just by luck. We ended up living together for that semester. Alex came and spent two days with us. Alex was in his freshman year at NYU and flew from New York to visit us.

S: And then I was graduating and had decided to move to New York because I had a ton of cousins and family here and while we were in Paris, Matt transferred to NYU. So we essentially moved to New York at the same time, and he moved in with Alex. And that’s sort of when Orley really started.

L: Became an idea?

S: Yes, because Alex and I had actually worked together for a minute because I started working at Helmut Lang and Alex was also working in fashion. That’s when we started talking about eventually doing something, the three of us.

L: So you married her because you wanted it to be named Orley?

M: That’s basically…

S: We started before we were even engaged.

M: But it felt like it would work out if there was that marriage.

S: And now everyone thinks were siblings.

A: Or people think we’re married, which my girlfriend loves.

S: We only got married last summer.

L: How long did you date?

Matt and Sam in unison: Ten years.

L: Ten years and you never broke up?

M: I mean, there were a couple of minutes, but nothing serious enough to include in the larger history. Would you consider the time that you and Abie split?

L: Yes, we were broken up for three years.

M: But it was like a minute.

L: No, it was a very very tumultuous three years that ripped my heart out of my body and then like, hit a jack hammer over it.

S: I’d say for us it was pretty continuous. When we were broken up, nobody other than the two of us knew about it.

M: And when I think about it — the first couple of years when I was at Michigan – it could have gone either way. Then when we were in Paris together it sort of just solidified it.

L: So how has marriage changed your relationship?

A: It’s really affected me the most.

S: I don’t think anything really has changed since we’ve been married aside from the name, which has made it a lot easier.

M: Yeah, the dynamic existed between the three of us before we were married. It was still somewhat of an unusual coupling.

L: What about specifically between the two of you? You don’t feel a little bit more comfortable even because you’re actually married now as opposed to just dating?

M: Yeah I think so.

S: Yeah I like being married. I like being an Orley.

L: And you’ve now been married a year and a half?

S: Yeah, well a year and a little bit.

L: Do you find that entering the second year is different than it was the first year?

S: No, I don’t know. We’ve been together for so long that it doesn’t feel like, “Oh we’ve been married for a year.” It feels like we’ve been together for eleven years, if that makes sense.

L: I thought that I loved being married for the first year, and then I entered the second year and I was like, “This is fucking awesome!” It’s so much better, I don’t know why. Or I thought I loved it for the first year and then I entered the second year and I was like, “This is where it’s at.”

M: I guess it’s changed a little, but once you’re past that point and you’re just settled into it, it’s really nice.

S: I think if anything it makes us more solidified as a couple. With Alex though, he’s now my brother-in-law. That is now more defined.

L: When did you launch Orley?

M: January 2012.

L: So you were not married yet?

S: We were engaged.

M: We weren’t married until August 2014.

S: Did we get engaged a year later?

M: February 2013, and then married August 2014.

L: How’s everything going with the company?

A: Really good, very busy. A lot of deals. A lot of moving parts. Went on from doing two collections a year in 2014 to five in 2015. So it’s a little tiring.

L: Do you find that’s too much?

S: Well, we’re doing three women’s and two men’s collections.

M: So much is still exploring what works at our size. And I think we’re still trying to figure out the best way to be a men’s and women’s brand while still being relatively small. And trying to grow but that it’s smart growth. Trying to figure out how to support ourselves in the areas in which we need help. So it’s a lot to process.

A: I would say the output isn’t challenging, it’s the calendar that’s a little tricky because working with Italian factories, they close in the month of August and that’s essentially our busiest month.

S: I feel like you adapt – I’m sure it’s the same for you. I sometimes think, “What did we do with our time when we were doing two collections?” And maybe because there was less of us we were doing more, or maybe you just get better at doing everything. I feel like you adapt.

L: What have you found to be the most challenging part of working together? Or I guess, before then, how did you decide to work together?

M: I don’t know. I think we all felt like there was a common interest in doing this and we all felt we brought different strengths to the table. And what we could accomplish together might be stronger and faster than if we were setting out individually. The fact that we were all different people and still are and bring different skill sets plays a big part in why maybe we enjoy working together and feel comfortable doing so in spite of the relationship of brother and wife and sister-in-law that exists.

A: Right. I think it’s sort of being tired of working for other people and then all of us having our own background that we brought to the table that allowed us to start, if that makes sense.

L: What was the conversation like when you were like, alright, let’s do this?

A: I remember it being…not formal, but a very established meeting. Like, “Meeting one, bring your notebooks. This is the first meeting of the new company.”

L: Did you think that it might affect your relationship?

Everyone: I don’t think we were thinking about that a lot…

S: But I’d say it was an adjustment for Matt and I at first. You go from spending weekends and evenings together to literally all of your time together.

A: They had full time jobs the first six months that we were working, maybe longer. But we were also working out of their apartment. So I would go to their apartment every day.

M: That was tough in the beginning because I still had a full-time job, but Alex would come to my apartment every day at like, 9:00 A.M. And it almost felt like it was my apartment, but it wasn’t.

A: Right, that was difficult.

M: You adapt to all the situations that you put yourself in because you have to know yourself to know what is best for you and what works for you. And as you grow and your company grows, you have to make decisions that will keep you mentally healthy, so you are constantly re-evaluating what those things are and how you can be better.

A: Our early fights would be Matthew saying, “Don’t do that, you’re in my apartment,” and me saying, “Well, I’m in my office so don’t tell me what to do.”

L: You are also brothers, so it’s probably hard to take orders from one another.

S: I think that’s actually a more difficult dynamic than the husband and wife one.

M: What’s your hourly rate, Leandra?

[Laughs]

L: I missed my calling, huh? Sam, do you find that you get between it sometimes?

S: I’d say that I’m very, if anything, very even-handed. I am not taking Matt’s side just because he’s my husband and that’s probably what was hard at first, that I am a partner to both.

L: To these two brothers, and one of them is your husband. And you were at one of their high school graduations, which bonds people for life.

M: It’s true.

A: It makes it better though, that’s the way I see it. I think if Sam had come in later on and been in a partner who was very new to the relationship it would have made it very hard for her to understand it. I think the fact that she’s been around since we were all kids makes it easier for her to know the nuances of things.

L: What have you found to be the most taxing part of working together on your martial relationship?

M: Separating work and home.

S: Yea, but we’re pretty good about it.

S: We sort of have rules, like we don’t bring computers home from the office.

L: So you don’t have computers at home?

M: Nope, never.

S: Because obviously you can check an email here and there from your phone, but it is so much harder to do real work.

M: That has been such an amazing thing to have in place and live by, because it has kept our sanity so much.

S: And if you actually need to do something, you go into the office, because that’s your workspace and home is your home space. But also, we were together for so long before we worked together that we have a relationship that exists outside of work.

L: So that’s been the thing that’s keeping you sane as a couple?

S: Yes.

M: I think so.

A: Having an office has been great.

S: For all of us, I think that was important.

L: Okay, I think that’s really good advice: don’t bring the computers home, even if just for your own sanity.

M: I can go further than that. I don’t even like to have my phone in the bedroom. We don’t have cable TV. I think that helps a lot.

A: Those are all just little incremental things that, once you get past the new computers at home makes the difference.

L: Do you find that you invariably end up talking about work though?

All: No.

S: I mean, something comes up once in awhile, but not usually. Also, it helps because any conversation that we would be having that’s important would involve Alex…

A: Which makes it public. The idea is to make it public and not have conversations that are happening one on one with anyone.

S: Any conversation we would have we would probably want to include Alex.

L: What are your favorite things about each other?

A: You guys both say your favorite things about me first and then you can say your favorite things about each other.

M: I think Alex is very driven and very…

A: Oh I was kidding, but thank you.

M: I admire in both of them the differences in personalities in traits and skills that they bring to us that I lack.

A: I think we’re all pretty different. That’s why it works.

S: I am trying to think of the one thing that sums us up. With Matt, I feel like sometimes it’s scary that we can literally read each other’s minds. We are very much the same person in terms of our relationship and life.

M: I think Sam’s extremely driven as well, and she’s very caring.

S: He makes me laugh. I am probably the only one who laughs at all of Matt’s jokes.

A: I will back that up.

M: There is no one else who appreciates my humor.

L: Well, what initially attracted you guys to each other? What pushed you to be like, “Okay fine, meet me at the canteen.”

S: I think it was a total thing where it felt so comfortable, like it was meant to be. We were just hanging out, it felt right.

L: What I find really interesting, the common denominator in all of these conversations, is this level of easy-ness. The right relationship always feels really easy, and I experienced that in my own situation when we got back together. Which is that you don’t have to think twice, you never wonder what they’re doing, where they are. It almost feels uncomfortably easy, because it’s like, “Am I supposed to feel like I’m related to this person?”

M: It’s important that you have someone who wants to grow, someone who you can see that you can grow with, and that you can change together. It’s funny, we were with Rob Fishman yesterday, and Rob and Sam and I were talking about high school friends. And I said, actually I think the only person who I still hang out with who I knew from high school is Sam.

I think that speaks to the point that we’ve both changed a lot as people but we’ve recognized that we want to change with each other and help each other and we’ve very much grown as people. It’s a really important part.

L: Yea, that’s a very good point. When my husband and I got back together, for the first two or three months that we were together I was like, “Am I regressing? Is this me going back to a comfortable place instead of charging forward? Is this what my future holds, that I have to hold on to what I’ve already known?” I’m so glad I was wrong.

M: I probably will not be the same as I am now in five years or ten years, and I recognize that Alex won’t be either, and Sam won’t be either. But if we decide that we’re going to evolve together, that’s a big part of a relationship.

S: You learn how the other people think or work, or more about their work personalities and how you work with them.

L: That’s really interesting. But your circumstance is pretty unique. You met really young, you’ve known each other, essentially, forever. And you never really broke up. Did you ever wonder if there was anything else out there?

M: Never.

S: No.

A: I wonder all the time.

[Laughs]

S: But I think it gets back to that comfort thing, you know. It’s crazy, like wow, we’ve been together eleven years. That feels like ages. But then it also feels like no time at all.

L: What kind of advice would give to your single friends?

A: Get married as fast as you can.

S: Well, not everyone is as lucky…

M: True. But I also think there’s a culture in New York amongst people our age, in this urban fast paced environment, where people are always looking for the next best thing. It is a culture encouraged by all the dating apps, you’re constantly moving forward and you can’t really settle. And if you can pull yourself away from that and recognize everything that’s good with what you have going on it will make you a lot more satisfied.

That’s it, that’s all I got. But that’s really good advice. Just step back and assess what’s good for you and appreciate it.

L: Sam, what sort of advice do you give to your single friends?

S: It’s funny, I’ve noticed that most people I know, once they meet someone they really connect with there isn’t any bullshit. It’s very quick and they’re moving in together in weeks or months. So I don’t know, I don’t really have any advice. I didn’t have to deal with any of that.

L: So let’s say I was single and I was really upset about a guy and I was like, “I just need your help, I’m so bummed, you seem to really have it figured out. 11 years…what should I do? Talk me off the ledge.”

S: You can’t give yourself so much pressure, you can’t think about it too much. I’m a big believer in “if it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be.”

Photographed by Krista Anna Lewis

The post It’s Kind of a Funny Story: Samantha and Matthew Orley appeared first on Man Repeller.

How Do You Cope With Performance Anxiety?

My performance anxiety began without rhyme or reason, and carries on without the relief of an end date. Whether I am taking a test or running a race or meeting someone I admire, I always fall short.

My knees have buckled on a wooded cross-country trail. My sweaty palms have warped the pages of countless math tests. Hours of practice seem to become irrelevant in an instant, and even the sacred den of practice itself has become obstructed by nerves. With such an anxiety, you begin to pull yourself into a vortex of self-doubt, begin to discount accomplishment. Once articulate and thorough — and hell, even witty — and then poof! All gone. And replaced with what?

For a while the anxiety seemed to align rather nicely with my naive conception of the Creative Other  — a figure who is both elusive and somewhat troubled. My logic was this: I want to be a writer, writers are troubled; maybe this anxiety signifies some deeper, more creatively-rewarding intelligence. Maybe, I thought, I could get a decent sentence out of all of this.

Only I didn’t. I just got stuck.

Perhaps the most discouraging aspect of having such an affliction is that our society is very much conducive to keeping things together, even if just in appearance. Everyone else, it seems, is functioning with a composed ease. Feeling unwelcome to reveal any shortcomings, I internalized my anxiety until I considered it an attribute of inconvenient importance to personal identity. It became no different than my crooked pinkies or uneven nostrils  — markers of things I’ve really had no choice in having. Only this one less visible.

In that way, anxiety thrives like a bad habit: the combination of a stubborn mind and a closed mouth really only perpetuates an issue. But you and I both know that in order to live a life of fulfillment, we cannot let these sorts of debilitating mind games obviate the passion, intellect and resourcefulness I like to think we possess. And the only way to truly work through a matter is to address it honestly, seeking advice where necessary. So, how do you go about shushing the devil on your shoulder? How do you ensure all of your practice pays off?

Photographed by Krista Anna Lewis, inspired by Kenzine Vol. 2; Wearing Paula Mendoza necklace and Christie Nicolaides earrings. 

The post How Do You Cope With Performance Anxiety? appeared first on Man Repeller.