Leandra Medine's Blog, page 573

Can You Talk? My Phone is Acting Super Weird.

My phone is being such a freak. I didn’t do anything to her at all but for some reason she’s acting so weird. Only certain apps will open. Facebook keeps freezing, wifi won’t connect unless I’m sitting on Silicon Valley’s lap and her map never has any idea where I am.

If I drop a pin, 9 times out of 10 she thinks I’m in the ocean. Why would I be in an ocean? Everyone says she’s smart but like…

Maybe she’s mad about the time I dropped her in the toilet, but honestly, she should get over it. There was nothing in the bowl besides water and I got her a huge bag of rice immediately after to say sorry. It took her all day to turn back on. So annoying!! What a baby, right?

“Water damage.” Sure. That’s her excuse for everything. It’s such B.S. Yea, I have “water damage,” too. It’s called being hungover, and I still work.

I mean she works — she still makes calls and stuff, but she doesn’t do a very good job at it. She’s always hanging up on people which is so rude and muting conversations (which results in someone on the other end repeating “Hello” a million times until they hang up and I realize what happened). Plus, she auto-corrects like a walrus high on Sudafed, which makes me sound like an idiot: “HAHAHA” is not a good look when the guy you’re texting makes a so-so joke and you’re trying to be equally low-key.

Also, I can’t tell if she doesn’t know or just doesn’t care that there’s a difference between there, their and they’re. I think she knows and she’s messing with me.

OH! You know what else she did? She “forgot” to ring the alarm the other morning. My volume was on, the clock was set. She just didn’t want to. She’s out of control. She Facetimes people randomly that I have never called before — I don’t even know why they’re in my phone — so how would that even make sense? I think she’s possessed. No like I actually do think that. Sometimes I’ll open up an email, close my inbox, open it again, and it’s gone.

I feel kind of bad talking shit about her because she can be sweet. She always takes my picture (unless she’s “out of storage”); she’s pretty entertaining if I’m bored. I definitely can’t ditch her. She’s in that little sister zone, like February.

…Wait, you’re not with her right? I can’t find her anywhere, and obviously her sound is off.

Collage by Emily Zirimis

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To Try: The Choker That is Also a Hair Bow

An old boss of mine used to have a giant jar of ribbons in her office. Sometimes she’d take one out while talking to me, rolling it and unrolling it absentmindedly in her hands. It was so transfixing and relaxing to watch that sometimes I’d just fall asleep right then and there.

Then she’d fired me!

Just kidding, she ruled. Anyone with a jar of ribbons rules. In San Francisco, there is an entire store dedicated to ribbons. The store only sells ribbons. Guess what it is called? The Ribbonerie. It rules too.

But for as great as ribbons and their people are, what good is a bunch of ribbons if they sit around and do nothing all day? No good at all, really, so what do you say? Grab the one nearest to your finger tips and put it to good use.

(Note: this first bow works best for hair that can make a low pony. If your hair is too short, see the slideshow above for headband/back bow combo.)

Step One: Wrap one long ribbon around your neck and hair, tying it in the back like so.

Step Two: Flip the crossed pieces over your shoulders to get ’em out of the way. Then lift your hair up and over. (If your hair is extra thick, you may want to make an actual knot at the nape of your neck to secure the choker before the third step.)

Step Three: Take the long pieces hanging over your shoulders and wrap those around your hair to tie it up.

Step Four: Add the bow.

There you go!

You’ve got a choker, some hair flare and a fancy addition to your day, all with the help of one pretty little ribbon.

Photographed by Krista Anna Lewis; Amelia wearing Céline earrings, an Oscar de la Renta jacket and Alix bodysuit; Elizabeth’s wearing Christie Nicolaides earrings and a top from a square in Rome (so try this!). Try this jeweled ribbon belt or this DIY satin ribbon spool (cut wisely!).

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Rainbows Are Trending in Fashion

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It will take nothing more, nothing less than an amble through the “What’s New” section of a luxury e-tailer to determine for yourself that Skittles has been completely co-opted and as a matter of fact, superseded. In order to taste the rainbow in 2016, you need not consume a combo platter of hydrogenated palm kernel, corn syrup and sugar. No — now you can just spend your $$$ on fashion, which, in the long run, given how expensive medical bills can get, will save you at least enough money to afford Geico. Which! Coincidentally, could save you 15% or more on car insurance.

You’re practically a millionaire at this point, which correlates really nicely with the reason we’re here, which is to justify spending money on items we likely don’t need but have deluded ourselves into thinking we will be crippled without. So! Here’s what I’m thinking:

When I saw the first Anya Hindmarch bag settle into Shopbop’s cushioned buttocks, I thought, “Cute!”

When I saw Mary Katrantzou’s single-rainbow, mostly-black sweater and a similar dress, geographically further away but digitally at a mere click’s throw showing itself off at Matches, I thought, “Cool!”

And when I learned that Gucci’s cashmere resort sweater, the one that Alexa Chung turned into The Most Important Garment of The Season had sold out before it even had a chance to go live, I thought, “Fuck.”

Which is when I started to scramble and came up with:

+Sonia Rykiel’s rainbow jacket

+This scarf

+This MGSM sweater

+These (awesome) Chloé sandals

+This dress

And the list goes on. But more important, around these parts, than addressing a trend is trying to understand its contextual meaning. Sure, rainbows are cool — they’re playful and kind of childish and connote a sense of enthusiasm that is really hard to detract from their presence. When’s the last time you saw someone cry at the sight of a rainbow, may I ask? This even in spite of the old biblical tale that suggested a rainbow functions as a warning to reminds us of that time it rained and a flood almost wiped us all out.

But I’d like to take the pattern’s recent appearance a step even further and suggest the following.

But only if you’re willing to ping pong back and forth with me on this.

So are you?

Yeah?

Okay.

I’m holding you accountable-as-fuck.

Ready?

Could it be that fashion’s rainbow-craze is the cultural response, acceptance and celebration of the overwhelming political positivity we’ve seen in the past year towards gay marriage? Does it serve as a stepping stone to liberalize the rest of the world? Can wearing one be considered a badge of honor? Precisely what initiates you as a member of the tolerance club? Because if that’s the case, who cares about the medical bills and the car insurance. You’re supporting humanity, for heaven’s sake.

Images via Vogue Runway

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How To Break A Style Rut

Today I’m dressed in a boxy turtleneck and moderately high waisted vintage jeans with an ankle length crop. There’s a yellowing blotch on one leg of unknown origin. While absentmindedly poking at it during this morning’s commute, a disquieting realization came to mind: I’ve already worn these suckers twice this week — and that would be thrice if I didn’t stuff the wrong pair in my gym bag yesterday.

Those were also mildly high waisted and vintage. With an ankle length crop.

Meanwhile, my sweater’s all like, “Oh hey, you basically own me in five different colors, so that’s not predictable at all.” Screw green juice and 30 day barre challenges. It’s my wardrobe that’s in need of some resolutions. You feel me?

If so, join me in these five style goals and, better yet, shopping for each. Because if we have to cut back on our 501 habits, there better be new shoes involved.

1. For goodness sake, give the jeans a breather.

Not the Ross Geller kind of break where you move on too fast and sleep with a FedEx employee — just enough distance to get some space and perspective. And new pants!

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2. Add some structure to your life. Or at least your purse collection.

Box Bag, meet Reader. Reader, meet Box Bag. You two are going to be so happy together on job interviews, dinners out and getting dressed up for the hell of it on Wednesday mornings. There’s no need, of course, to donate all your leather backpacks and crossbodies (unless it’s to a Goodwill in my neighborhood — I’ll DM you my address just in case!), but throwing this innately sophisticated shape (filled with Skittles or not) in the mix tells the world you’ve got your shit together.

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3. Just pony up and buy the coat.

You know the one. It appears in all its unicorn-sourced cashmere, fairy-stitched glory at the start of the season, taunting you with its sheer perfection and four digit price tag. You almost talk yourself into buying it five times before going for the Diet Coke version at Zara instead. Save your closet from more disposable outerwear and get something that lasts. You’ll be glad next year — and the five after that.

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4. Learn to love pumps again.

You soured on them for a split second during the Stan Smith mania of 2015, but it’s time to rekindle the old flame. The latest version not only has a blocky, completely manageable heel, but just makes you feel so gosh darn pretty. Oh yeah, and the extra two inches of leg real estate aren’t so bad either.

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5. Massive earrings heal all wounds.

Alright, maybe not flesh and blood ones. If your brain is, like, literally pulsating in pain trying to think of ways to make a black turtleneck interesting, though, this here’s your Advil. Only better because it sparkles.

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Photographed by Harley Weir for Self Service Magazine. Carousel Photographed by Harley Weir for Pop Magazine. Collaged by Krista Anna Lewis. So now you’re all gussied up, and ready to go out. How about on a date with yourself?

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Ask Isaac: He Disappeared After We Had Sex

Hello friend. It might comfort you (or depress you) to know that this is the single most commonly asked question that I receive. It upsets me that this scenario occurs so often, because it destroys my faith in huMANkind. And guess what: I was guilty of pulling the same shit in my younger years. I’d meet a girl, get super obsessed with her for a minute, love every moment of the early stages of the courtship, and then once I knew I could get her (or once I actually had hooked up with her), I’d go cold. It was like every little bit of the excitement and attraction had suddenly disappeared. Game over.

The more I see this stuff occur from the woman’s perspective (whether that woman is a friend or family member or a blog reader explaining her situation in an email), the more I’m convinced that this kind of situation might be avoided if things were clearer from the beginning.

Know this: I understand the desire to get physical with someone you like. It’s basic human instinct. BUT! You wouldn’t buy a car if you hadn’t inspected the motor, right? So why would you jump into a sexual relationship without doing your due diligence?

It’s simple:

If you’re hoping that he’s going to be sleeping with you and you alone, ask him if he’s ready to be exclusive. If you’re hoping that he’s going to be your boyfriend, ask him if he’s ready to make things official. If you’re worried about STDs, ask him to get tested before you start sleeping together.

Trust me when I tell you that if he’s scared off by any of those questions, then he was probably going to disappear straight after you had sex anyway.

Wouldn’t you prefer to know before the fact? I sure as hell would. The next time you find yourself in this situation, be assertive beforehand. Take control. And if I were you, I’d cut things off with this guy. He’s shown you who he is; believe him. Also: Long distance relationships are often much more trouble than they’re worth.

Collage by Krista Anna Lewis. Got a question for Isaac? Write to him at write@manrepeller.com. Want more Isaac?  Click here. Then check out Isaac with makeup on (sort of) here.  Finally, stalk him on Instagram, Twitter and through his website. He won’t mind.

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Five Reasons to Look Forward to the End of the Work Day

Think of the work week as a mountain: You are now triumphantly standing at its apex, preparing for a two day descent to the weekend. Making it to the huevos rancheros and Bloody Mary at the end of your journey is going to take every ounce of energy you can muster, but your crew doesn’t seem to understand. “Sleep when you’re dead,” they furiously text you. “Let’s go out tonight. YOLO! Carpe Diem!” Not even taking into account that a) it’s Wednesday, b) it’s cold, c) you have stuff to do. What stuff? See below.

1. Cue up Seamless, order some Szechuan-grilled awesomeness and light a fancy candle.

While you wait for your grub to arrive, slather on a face mask. Here’s an easy guide to finding the right one for your skin concern.

[Cup Of Jo]

2. Thirty minutes and one embarrassing encounter with an early bird delivery man later, wash your face and put on a velour track suit.

Preferably the Juicy Couture one you bought in 2003. There’s a new television series in town developed by Gossip Girl creators Josh Schwartz and Stephanie Savage (you might also know them from a little velour-loving show called The O.C.) in partnership with Mila Kunis. The show will be called Made in L.A. and is based on The Glitter Plan — the Juicy founders’ memoir — which means the two piece style is due for a comeback. (Told you.) Dig it out and ask yourself whether you can get behind wearing it in public again. I mean intellectually.

[Deadline]

3. Oh no! Your food is getting cold. Give it 60 seconds in the microwave before plopping down in front of the TV.

If you can stay up until The Late Late Show With James Corden, here’s a sneak peak of the pure ecstasy that awaits you tonight:

[YouTube]

3b. If you can’t, this video of 20 celebrities reciting lines from Gone with the Wind can be played whenever you would like. When it comes to time and scheduling and being ruled by clocks, frankly, it just doesn’t give a damn.

4. Man, that was fun. So is drinking your face on a latte.

Wait, huh? So apparently there’s now a device that will literally imprint the selfie of your choice on milk foam. Give yourself a good 45 minutes to pick just the right one to grace your morning joe. I mean morning you. Then take another 45 to figure out how you’ll pay for such a privilege — the technology costs $999 flat, or $85 for a monthly plan. (My reaction when I heard that was basically this.)

[People]

5. After realizing you’re doomed to a plebeian life of generic coffee art, soothe your disappointment with some online shopping.

Sock booties, perhaps? Wide leg pants? A new coat? (All the good ones are on sale!) You’ll be able to pay for it if you win the Powerball lotto. Proceed to spend the rest of your evening dividing your thoughts between click bait-y headlines and the PC state of award shows today (but definitely don’t think about that guy, ugh — text us instead, we’re talking resolutions vs. goals), then fall into a deep, blissful sleep.

You’ve got the rest of your life to go out.

Velour butt illustrated by Charlotte Fassler for Man Repeller, bootie image via Vogue Runway

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I Texted You: Resolutions Versus Goals — What’s the Difference?

*We texted in real time, so kindly ignore the autocorrections and typos. It’s hard out there for cold thumbs.

Photographed by David Bailey for Vogue Italia, 1976. Carousel photographed by Tim Walker for W Magazine, 2013. 

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What Would You Do if You Won the Powerball Jackpot?

The Powerball jackpot is up to 1.5 billion dollars.

The winner — if there is one — will be announced tonight, Wednesday, January 13 at 10:59 PM ET.

(Just a fun side note: the writers club prompt is due the following day!)

A person is apparently more likely to be attacked by a shark than win this thing, but you know what my grandma says when she isn’t talking about rip tides and leaving the house without a jacket: you can’t get bit by a shark if you don’t go swimming.

Which is why, between episodes of Making a Murderer on Saturday night, my roommate and I went for a dip in search of a Powerball-wheeling bodega.

To say that the city’s energy was palpable sounds cliché, but that night, there really was something in the air beyond hot nuts and subway breath. The streets were abuzz. Lines formed outside unremarkable delis. Offices held team pools and friends loaned their buds cash for tickets (either to be immediately Venmo’d back or with the understanding that they’d get some of the profits) because everyone had a feeling they were going to win.

With our tickets in hand, my roommate and I discussed what we’d buy: apartments and homes and horses and boats, and while I was ruminating about all of the Dries Van Noten I’d own, he made sensible investment plans. We spoke about which charities we’d donate to, which global problems we’d try to solve and listed all the houses we’d give to people we love, just Ellen DeGeneres does. We were red-cheeked and breathless, like we’d been playing tag, and that’s when it hit me: this was adult make-believe. A way to suspend our disbelief without the help of the Internet, books, movies or television.

We didn’t win, and I didn’t buy another ticket for tonight — ten bucks spent on dumb luck was enough. But it was fun. And it made fancy fashion feel like quarter snacks for a second. So whether you bought one or not, just pretend you did:

If you won 1.3 billion dollars, what would you do? What would you buy? What charity(ies) would you give to? Would you keep your job? How would you celebrate? Does everyone get a car?

Would your face look like this???

Gifs are encouraged. So is buying us a drink if you win!

Collage by Emily Zirimis

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I’m Doing It: How to Wear a Straw Hat this Winter

I know what you’re thinking, I’m thinking it too and guess what: I think it’s super weird that I keep forcing summer accessories during winter months on to you also. Between last fall’s call to wear a beach bag through February, this winter’s imminent straw hat (do see above) and between us, I’m wearing espadrilles with camp socks today, it has become severely evident that I will neither let summer go nor winter fully come.

But hear me out — does that have to be a bad thing?

Must I be judged for putting forward a state of mind that can be concretized by the fell swoop of an accessory that will not affect my quest to remain warm? (As in, this hat won’t make better or worse my motivation to avoid hypothermia.)

I just feel like I spend so much time self-medicating by writing about how to get through the winter blues without experiencing that winter blues feeling. Simultaneously, I have practically elected myself the president of enforcing a strict wear-only-what-makes-you-feel-like-the-best-version-of-yourself dresscode policy. So why not officiate the marriage between my presidency and tendency to self-medicate and come up with actionable ways to feel like the best version of yourself throughout the winter blues — right?

One really good way to kick start that program is with the introduction of a panama hat, which I am pretty sure you already own. Mine has painted pineapples on the crown which is practically like the clothing equivalent of an anti-depressant but that doesn’t mean that un-tarnished one won’t work the same magic. Pineapples are not a mandatory accessory in one’s pursuit to feel paradoxically perfect. Paradoxically perfect because: how stunning are both the visual and intellectual concepts of a thick wool scarf and a straw hat? Like meatballs coupled with pasta, it just works. You don’t know why. It just does! So try it using this recipe, would you?

1 summer hat (bucket hats do not apply)

3 parts winter outfit; I would opt for a sweater, wool pants and either a boot or slippers depending on whether you’d like to add an element of grandparental reference

1 tablespoon accessories; for me that meant eccentric optical glasses and a cuff with shit tons of chain hanging from it.

Now spin around three times and ace that drunk line test, ey?

Photographed by Krista Anna Lewis

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What’s Your Click-Bait Headline?

For Halloween this past year, I dressed up as shitty content. What I did not do is deliver a deep explanation pertaining to what I meant by shitty content. Rather, I just wore an all-brown ensemble and clipped a large list of ridiculous headlines to my sweater. These headlines — the ostensible shitty content — are the precise mechanism that move the wheels of digital media in 2016. They’re manipulative in that they drive traffic (how come no one has ever punned about how much traffic we are supposed to drive when by definition, traffic stops you from driving, for heaven’s sake) under the guise of one thing and then hook you in as something that is often completely different.

Example: Business Insider is murdering the dance floor with the way their headlines are worded, which tend to read like this: “How One Person Drank Cappuccinos for a Year and Was Then Elected President of Bhutan.”

If you’re unfamiliar with that format, surely you can identify with this one:

“I Stopped Drinking Coffee and You’ll Never Guess What Happened to My Body.”

Spoiler alert: nothing happened other than fewer tooth stains.

Or this one:

“What I Learned from Refusing to Clip My Toe Nails for a Month.”

Bloody socks?

These stories seem manufactured as if only to elicit a rise out of the numb minds that navigate through the perpetual scroll of exhaustive news feeds and really make you wonder: what the fuck is your point?

Yet somehow, time and again, it works. We fall for it. We feed into it. Eventually, we even look for it. Call it the response to our collective pursuit for a no-frills, lay-it-on-me approach to cutting through the clutter of all the content that is being shoved in our faces, but my guess is that we’re hanging on to these headlines in anticipation that we’ll learn new things about ourselves to apply to the items on our self-improvement to-do lists. Except, guess what? There’s a better way to do that. Write your own headline.

It’s simple. Isolate one reason you might be able to fancy yourself newsworthy. Harp on that reason.

Now blow it out of proportion and attach to your clause an extreme that will be impossible to ignore.

I’ll go first.

“How One Girl Got Invited to Fashion Week by Wearing Birth Control on Her Person”

That was a cheap shot, I’m sorry. Let me try again.

“Daughter of Middle Eastern Immigrants Stalks Jewish Man from Brooklyn, Forces Him to Marry Her”

One more? Okay:

“I Saved $2,000 in One Year by Cutting my Own Hair and Refusing to Get Manicures”

Okay, you’re up!

Photograph via Vogue Paris; carousel Photographed by Bruce Mozert, 1938; collages by Krista Anna Lewis.

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