Social Media is a Tattle Tale

I miss nothing more than the ability to lie. Part of that longing has to do with my own late blooming in the department of fabricated stories — it took me about twelve years to learn how to quiet the stealth creep of guilt that snuck in on its elbows and forearms whenever I said something untrue, and another two to actually use this form of story-telling to my advantage. I only ever lie* about plans.

*Lied.

There’s a difference between immoral dishonesty and being casually deceptive. The former area is where still I throw up, the latter area is where I used to practice: “I can’t come tonight! Feeling sick!” or “Darn, won’t be here this weekend!” or “Getting a nose job, send my regards to Beth!” (The reality: I’m probably around and with a fully functioning nose. I just don’t want to come.) It’s here where I honed the skills that I can no longer flex thanks to the announcer of my calendar that is social media.

Social media will put you on blast.

The golden age of plan evasion has technically been over since MySpace. I was caught at least once during high school for appearing in a photo from a party on the same night I had claimed to be grounded. But smart phones, with their Snapchat and their Instagram and their location-detecting devices, have made the old “I’m staying in tonight” completely impossible. So much so that there’s no longer any point to lie. Mark my words: you will get caught.

If you’re so in tonight then why are you in the back right corner of Carol’s Snap story doing a hand stand?

And why didn’t you answer my text?

If your phone was dead then how did you comment on Laura’s Instagram?

And how did you send that tweet?

Oh right, you tweeted from your computer…but I thought you said you were napping.

Because didn’t you say that you missed my call mid-snooze? Which is so weird considering that around this same time, you opened an old Snap that I’d sent you. 

Which seems like your phone is in fact very much alive and you are very well.

Well enough to attend Carol’s party, at least.

Because you were also tagged on Insta in a TBT.

You see, things used to be more simple. A girl could tell a white lie to get out of a double-booking without hurting feelings, or skip a dinner in favor of a couch. She could walk in and out of her own schedule as she so pleased and wasn’t tethered to the obligations of others — regardless of her original RSVP.

If you’re not a liar you may be thinking, “Why don’t you just tell the truth?” The truth will set you free, I guess, but is the truth about your business really anyone’s business besides your own?

In the age of transparency, yes.

In reality, no. And if people weren’t so nosey, then I wouldn’t have to schedule three routine and one abnormal nose jobs in a row.

Bracelets by Shourouk, Aurelie Bidermann and Venessa Arizaga ;  Photographed by Krista Anna Lewis

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