Lynn Kellan's Blog, page 13

How I turned my dog into a Pit Bull

We need to beef up security at home

so no one steals our old swing set.

Alas, our dog doesn’t instill much fear

into the hearts of thieves and solicitors.

I needed to turn my Sheltie into something ferocious.

So I went to the hardware store, spent $2.99, and presto!

Boo-Yah!

She looks ferocious now, right?

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This post brought to you by People Who Throw Money at Problems.

For 299 pennies, you can turn your dog into a Pit Bull.

My garden is full of MEN.

If you want to stay out of trouble,

don’t have lunch with romance writers.

I ignored this rule and met my writer buddies at a conservatory.

We spoke about the publishing industry and took pictures of the gardens.

But then something odd happened. We found something else to photograph.

Oh, golly.

Aren’t these gardens magnificent?

Suddenly, I can’t get enough of all things botanical.

Everything looks so…so…handsome.

My. Oh. My.

Hand me a rake

…and a telephoto lens.

Geez oh Pete, I’m returning to the conservatory tomorrow.

‘Cuz I like learning about flowers and stuff.

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This post brought to you by guilty pleasures.

What guilty pleasures do you like to watch?

Hello spring. Goodbye money.

I like to avoid uncomfortable things.

Like unloading the dishwasher.

Or death. Sad movies.

And taxes.

But it’s April 15th.

I can’t avoid taxes any more.

Deep breaths. Happy thoughts…

Oh, Lordy.

I owe this year.

Uncle Sam, you’re soooooo mean!

Wait, what?

There’s been a mistake.

I’m getting a REFUND!!!!

This post brought to you by my accountant.

I love, love, love, love, love her!!!!

.

So, do you compute your taxes?

Or do you crawl to an accountant and beg for help like I do?

Isn’t gardening supposed to be soothing?

I purchased some lovely statuary for my vast estate.

When I brought them home, my loneliness melted away.

OH! Well, um.

Thanks for the complement.

But, you see, I’m married. Very happily, and…

How embarrassing.

I thought he was talking to me.

What? I can’t hear you. Too many voices!

Gosh, this is ridiculous.

I’m returning all of these chatterboxes.

But I’m keeping one, because she is full of wisdom.

I’m going to try this, tomorrow.

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This post brought to you by Wisdom.

Hold the grapes in front of your breasts, not by your hips.

Does this water make me look fat?

I’m fascinated by hippos.

They’ve got huge bodies perched on tiny legs.

They’re gray. No, they’re pink. Uh, pink and gray.

They’re landlubbers.

No, they prefer the water.

Geez, I can’t figure these guys out.

They look kinda cute.

And heck, with a backside like this,

it’s easy to believe they’re cuddly as a kitten.

Truth is, they’re incredibly dangerous.

They weigh up to 9000 pounds and have razor sharp teeth.

And…they kill more humans than any other beast in Africa.

So, I have one question:

Backing away slowly from the aquarium window…

WooHoo! I’m in the zoo.

I saw a bird in my bathtub.

Strange sponges in the dishwater.

Fearsome alligators.

No, wait. Not so fearsome.

He’s waving. He’s FRIENDLY!

I get closer, because I need a friend.

Writing is a lonely business.

Just one more step.

And then…

Don’t be alarmed. It’s dark in here. And quiet.

Perfect for writing. And weeping.

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This post brought to you by The Zoo.

Listen to the zookeeper when he says, “Step back, ma’am.”

Is there such a thing as too much butter?

Last night, I added too much butter to my noodles.

Then I realized, there’s no such thing as too much butter.

And then I realized, I’m suffering from The Mid-March Blues.

I’m surrounded by a salty sea of sand and gravel.

The residue of winter. Blech.

I’m under deadline, so I’m writing like mad.

When I do go outside, my dog wants little to do with me.

I think she blames me for the salty sea of sand and gravel.

I stopped my Mid-March Blues by checking the photographs I took last year.

Last March, this is what my world looked like:

Oh, my. That’s a lot of snow.

Pull up a chair and let’s talk about how much we despise winter…

Now I don’t feel so badly about the salty sea of sand and gravel.

At least it’s not snow…but there is snow forecast for tomorrow night.

*sob*

This post brought to you by Bermuda.

Please oh pluheeeeeeeze send me there, ASAP.

Love,

L. Kel.

My blood is brown

I’ve got a crush on a friend.

She is fascinating. And hilarious. And smart. And pretty.

Her name is Eileen, which is unfortunate, because my cousin is named Elaine.

I have a feeling I call Eileen “Elaine” all the time and I don’t even know it.

If I want her to be my buddy, I’d better get her name right. Right?

Anyhow, she’s a great cook.

She made Nutella Sea Salt Fudge, and I HAD to copy her.

Because that’s what friends do. They copy. They steal good ideas.

And they laugh at all your jokes.

So, if you need to drown yourself in chocolate

because you can’t remember your friend’s name,

go to Tasty Kitchen and try the Chocolate Nutella & Sea Salt Fudge.

It’ll make you feel better.

I’ve eaten so much of it, my blood is brown.

Love,

El Kel

“El” for Lynn

“Kel” for Kellan

Get it?

My new job

I have a new job. I am a plow.

I cut a path through the deep snow for the dog.

Frankly, I’m not too happy with my new position.

The pay stinks…so I’m heading to the Big City to find a new job.

Uh, the city is crowded.

I feel small.

Insignificant.

I’m terrified of heights.

So, I’m returning to the country.

I’ll continue to be a human plow for my dog.

AND…I will not, under any circumstances, complain about the cold.

I hope you’re staying warm…and happy!

Love,

Lynn K.

My dog is a Martian.

Something is wrong with my dog.

She looks strange.

A wee bit frightening, in fact.

Like a dog from the planet Mars.

I think she’s an Alien Life Form.

I asked my dog if she was the only Martian dog on Earth.

She said, “No.”

The dog near you is a Martian, too.