Lynn Kellan's Blog, page 14

Uncomfortable Marriage Moments

Lately, I’ve endured a number of uncomfortable marriage moments.

So I thought, “I’d better put these online.”

Because putting stuff online

is always a good idea.

In my defense, I asked my husband

to redo our bathroom after this incident.

In my defense,

I write steamy romance novels.

In my defense,

let’s just say my dog is weird.

In my defense,

I have no control over my face.

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Have you had any uncomfortable marriage moments lately?

Santa looks sexy in shorts.

Soon, we’ll be complaining about mosquito bites

and sunburn…

We’ll bask in the sun

and wonder if our dogs are vegetarians.

We’ll hang out with our famous TV friends.

And sign autographs.

We’ll lounge on the beach

with our beautiful, hairy children.

And we’ll walk along the Boardwalk and think…

“Dang! Santa Claus looks GREAT in shorts!”

Hang in there.

Winter is halfway over.

Love,

LK

“El-Kel”

Why I am a horrible wife

I am a HORRIBLE wife

…because I decorated our master bathroom suite like this:

Blech. Yucky. Ew!

In my defense, the bathroom was 25+ years old.

So, I asked my husband if he’d like to help me renovate.

REASON #2 that I’m a HORRIBLE wife:

I suggested we renovate the bathroom over Christmas vacation.

Er, that wasn’t such a good idea.

My poor husband spent every waking moment working on the bathroom.

Not exactly a relaxing, fun vacation.

But we ended up with this:

Problem is, he did such a good job.

What renovations shall I ask him to tackle next Christmas?

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This post is brought to you by Horrible Wives.

We like our new bathroom.

The real reason Dinosaurs died is…too much sex.

During one of my archeological digs in Costco,

I discovered the REAL reason behind the extinction of dinosaurs:

Essentially, dinosaurs engaged in too much sex.

All that’s left of their orgiastic lifestyle  is sensuous slathering sauce.

MORAL OF THE STORY:

In order to survive, species must display a high level of control.

No matter what the temptation…

be it sex, surfing the Internet, or heart-shaped snacks,

a strong level of self-discipline ensures the survival of the fittest.

Denying self-defeating impulses

will help individuals to another day.

In conclusion, I’d like to recruit your help.

Help me stop overindulging in sex, Internet surfing, and snacks.

If I don’t develop some willpower,

my dog is gonna steal my checkbook

and buy gobs of dinosaur slathering sauce.

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This post brought to you by People Afraid of Their Dogs.

‘Cuz our dawgs are smarter than we is.

Love,

“El Kels”

Why I’m holding my breath

 Every time I see my brother’s dog,

I have the following conversation with my husband:

Husband: “No. He’s too big.”

Husband: “No. He’s too big.”

I decide to hold my breath until he changes his mind.

And then I see my brother trying to cook dinner with his dog…

Me: “He’s not THAT big.”

Husband: “Yes. He is too big.”

Me: “I was talking about my brother.”

Bwah ha ha ha ha!

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This post brought to you by Bad Jokes.

I’ll stop telling them if you get me an Irish Wolfhound

Don’t eat birdseed.

It’s REALLY cold right now.

So I decided to stop at the local birdseed shop.

Might be nice to feed the brave little birdies who stay for the winter.

Wait.

What does the sign say?

Well, alrighty then.

Remind me to never, ever eat here.

Happy NEW YEAR!!!

 

I resolve to stop running over my dog.

In 2015, I’d like to stop running over my dog.

She lies right behind my desk chair, so every time I back up…YELP!

So I bought her a new bed.

This bed is EXACTLY like her boo-boo bed.

She LOVES her boo-boo bed. It’s downstairs in her crate.

She doesn’t like her new “office” bed.

In fact, I had to leash her so she wouldn’t keep running away from it.

After a while, I finally picked her up and placed her in the new bed.

Not happy.

She left ASAP.

I cajoled. I pleaded.

I sang. I waved treats in the air.

Nothin’.

So I scooped her up (again),

and squished her into the new bed.

Ahhh.

Doesn’t she look content?

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This post brought to you by Sheltie Moms.

We have weird dogs.

Merry Christmas!!

 

Wishing you a merry Christmas!

Who melted on my floor?

We are ready for Christmas.

It kind of looks like an elf went nuts in here.

There are snowmen, everywhere.

‘Cuz I collect ‘em.

‘Cuz they always smile.

‘Cuz they make me happy.

There are non-snowmen displays, too.

However, I’m a bit concerned.

There is water on my kitchen floor.

Is it from an ice cube? A leaky pipe? Or…

…a melting snowman????

 

 

 

 

 

My illicit affair with Santa Claus

My husband isn’t happy about my obsession with Kris Kringle

…or the “elfies” I take with Santa every time I see him.

This post is meant to assure my husband he has nothing to worry about.

For one, Santa has a LOT more wrinkles than my spouse.

Oh, Santa. This summer, please use sunblock.

Perhaps we should also talk about Santa’s struggle with his glasses.

I’m charmed by Santa’s white beard,

but sometimes he waits too long between trips to the barber.

And then there are just some days when Santa looks…frightening.

See?

So don’t worry, honey.

You’re the best-looking guy I know.

Love,

Lynn Kringle

Oops! I meant to write Lynn Kellan

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The post brought to you by Wives Obsessed With Santa.

It’s a seasonal disease.